jacksonkilldeer

[jacksonkilldeer]

We Don’t Have Fireflies in April

There was a firefly, porch side. A little flashing light. The cool glass of the door on bicep and cheek, and a little flicker over the steps. And I thought to myself: it isn't firefly season yet. Which is a confusing for a brain to be in a body on a porch, nighttime mid 70s with the mildest breeze, and the scattering of little bugs lighting up. Because that's a summer thing and how is summer creeping up?

I graduated in May, but it's only April. The timelines got crossed, you see. I am certain that it is April because I only contain four months of memory stretching back to waking up late on New Year's day and making promises I knew I would not keep. It's the tradition of a year starting anew. Four months back because that was when I wrote my thesis, 14 pages in one day, crazy with all the things I wanted to say and arguments to make.

Then I went to my girlfriend's birthday and everything was okay. I was tired, but who doesn't feel that chilly, sleepy drag in the dead of winter. (Memory: I was dead all winter.) The words became harder to understand, brain tripping over consonants and syllables. Reading the sentences out of book in the wrong order, wrong emphasis, wrong meaning. Last semester of Grad school! That English degree in sight. Then they told me it was April 1st and I was fooled all right.

There were two different hospitals two days apart. But no accident or great calamity or other grand reason for the sudden skip in time. There were memories of those two months, bad ones, the worst ones, and nearly nothing of daily life. Like I hadn't been alive. My brain was underwater, you see, drowning inside my skull. It's just a thing that happens sometimes, pseudotumor cerebri, brain squeezed until you can't read a single line, blink and there goes two months of time. They took the fluid out through my spine. Then April came and I resumed my life.

So it was February because I learned to sing the months in kindergarten and I sure as hell know that's comes next after January. For everyone else, nose drip with pollen riff and spring has sprung at last. I wonder why my car is powdered green instead of white and finish the semester out of spite. Then I try to recover, but I'm constantly out of step. Time is not the same to me as it is to the world and the seasons change again.

Until all it takes is a firefly flashing in the night. Because we don't have fireflies in April. Climate change be damned, we have never had fireflies in April. I go back inside, door slam, bugs left behind. Don't make me question the passage of time, like my brain is crushed under fluid again and I can't count past 3 without someone reminding me what the numbers are. It's not April anymore. It hasn't been for a while. I see that firefly blink and I know. My memories aren't right. (Memory: don't ruin her birthday by saying you know your body is dying.) Two months said no goodbye.

[jacksonkilldeer]

When the pink, heart-shaped, Valentine’s Day cake bite tastes like being mango White Claw drunk on Christmas Eve, standing on the porch with your father while sirens shriek, and the scent of burning plastic hangs heavy as the siding of the slum lord house less than a mile down the street melts away, the smoke lost in the dark, and your head keeps spinning, spinning; those people were so cold in that house without heat that a space heater sent the whole thing up and you’re on your fourth drink, booze burning your belly, and their lives burn on the night the Savior is born. O Holy Night!

[jacksonkilldeer]

OH ACTUAL CHILLS

man of progress

[jacksonkilldeer]

Jordie would have torn up Ketterdam fr they would absolutely be a dynamic duo in the worst possible way

broke: jordie would be horrified and hate what kaz has become now

woke: jordie wouldn’t care what kaz did, so long as he survived

bespoke: jordie wouldn’t care what kaz did because he would’ve been so much worse

(Please don’t take this post too seriously, you’re allowed to interpret them however you want.)

[jacksonkilldeer]

Heart of the hex

[jacksonkilldeer]

Me trusting both of them implicitly because I fall for aesthetic attraction far too easily (delusional)

Jude: never trusting Cardan even though he can’t lie (valid)

Cardan: trusts Jude with his whole heart even though she can lie (unhinged)

[jacksonkilldeer]

Jude could follow this up by spitting on my corpse and i would worship her from beyond the grave

Jude could stab me and I would thank her 🛐

[jacksonkilldeer]

Oak would totally get him into Roblox on accident and then cry when Cardan gets his account banned and then Jude would have to threaten him a little because no one makes her baby brother cry

rip cardan greenbriar you would’ve LOVED arguing with little kids on roblox

[jacksonkilldeer]

Proud to be Jude's second husband I think she should stab me just a little

someone please tell me who allowed jude duarte to be this fucking hot

guys i'm straight i swear but tell me why women are so much hotter than men...

[jacksonkilldeer]

On my fucking KNEES for her

JUDE MY QUEEENNNN

[jacksonkilldeer]

This is fucking BEAUTIFUL oh my god?? Yes that is my wife and our husband

"Have I told you how hideous you look tonight?" — The Cruel Prince.

Honestly, this illustration brought out the worst in me.

[jacksonkilldeer]

You know, I think if Jude had found a cute mortal man during her exile who was down to teach her mortal things (I.e “what do you mean you don't have a regular doctor? Where have you been getting your check ups?”) it would be very fun because…

1) That’s just an adorable dynamic. Doesn't have to be romantic or anything like that.

2) Cardan would have an aneurysm and I just enjoy the idea of him storming into the mortal world to be like “that is literally my WIFE??? Is this why you wont come home??? A MAN?!”

[jacksonkilldeer]

This is also such a refreshing anomaly in disability rep, especially when it comes to the "evil, sinister, and criminal" stereotype because Kaz is all three of those things and proud of it yet they have absolutely nothing to do with his disabilities or how he experiences them. Like he was already an evil criminal before that and breaking his leg just made him an evil criminal with a backstory. It's glorious. We love seeing disabled people live their best lives by being their worst selves.

Kaz Brekker is such an anomaly. Is he a well-written, well-rounded character? Yes. Did he learn his lesson in the end? No. Did he become either better or worse? No. Did he grow as a person? You could say that. Do we have even a remote understanding what he will do next? Absolutely not.

[jacksonkilldeer]

i’ve never wanted to hug a character while also badly wanting to punch them before i discovered kaz brekker

[jacksonkilldeer]

Locke saying this and getting killed by taryn is so funny lmao taryn said you're the problem and solved it by murdering him

[jacksonkilldeer]

I love how holly black took the ‘brooding and mysterious love interest who is a jerk but is secretly in love with the mc” and instead of making a charismatic asshole with a six pack she made a pathetic loser boy who is drunk all the time, can’t fight, and wants nothing to do with the main plot.

[jacksonkilldeer]

Watch out Ketterdam it's KAZ BREADER