jacobbenisraelsawesomeblog

[jacobbenisraelsawesomeblog]

Journal Blog

I'm starting this journal blog because... yes, my therapist suggested. i don't know why I feel like having it online will help me keep it going. I'll try to post every day (which is what my therapist[she/her] recommended). She also recommended meditation, which I haven't done. I tried it the first two days after therapy, but I didn't continue.

I can't explain why I do that... I do want to get better, or improve, my mental health, but... I don't do what she recommends. I'll try... (I say, as I still don't know).

Today mood was good until an incident that completely ruined everything. I won't go into every detail. I think I've retold it a couple times today. I was angry. My sister made me angry. And like I've told numerous other relatives. I was no mad about what she did. I was mad because she had asked me for a favor earlier. And I happily complied. I wanted to help, because that's the kind of person I am (I hope).

Obvious the thing she did made me feel some type of way. I can't deny that, but it really made me upset that I did her a favor and then this happened. No one understands. Everyone is telling me to not take it the wrong way. To blah blah blah...

I'm going to say this here, because I don't think I'll ever tell my therapist-- I got a phone call from the clinic earlier this week. They told me that my therapy sessions were going to be cut to half an hour. "It's something we're doing with all the patients" they said. But I can't help feeling like it's something they are doing with me because the therapist wants to spend her times with patients that actually need the help. I'm just some guy that sits there and listens but doesn't provide anything of use to the session.

Something similar happened the first time I went to therapy. After a few sessions, the therapist told me that she couldn't see me anymore. I can't remember the reason/excuse, but she referred me to someone else, and I never called them.

Yes, I know this makes me sound like one of those people that ... IDK, think the world revolves around them. A paranoid person? Self centered? Pick me? I'm not trying to look at this as a negative thing. It's just hard NOT to let my mind wonder-- What If???

I KNOW. I KNOW I CAN ALWAYS CHOSE TO LOOK AT THINGS FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE. Maybe the first therapist had a valid reason. She did apologize profusely. Maybe the current therapist had to cut our sessions because it's a medi-cal doctor. Maybe it's out of her control. And maybe my sister had a reason for not wanting to include me in the conversation she was having with our dad.

She did hear me talk about other people with DIFFERENT people. Maybe I'm responsible for the way I am treated. But why AM I the only one not allowed to do such a thing? Everyone here talks shit about everyone, and it's okay. Suddenly, I'm the only one that can't do it because I get excluded from conversation.

No matter what, there's going to be a lot of WHYS WHYS WHYS. I still don't like what my sister did, and this goes beyond just what happened today. There's a lot to unpack, I think, but my therapist only said that I had to talk about my feelings for that. That's it....