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Reset and replay | a nishimura riki of 𝗘𝗡- fic ᴅ𝐢𝐬ℎ 001' [🍽️]

Idol!ni-ki×fem!reader [proofread]´ | <note from chef mika : ℬℴ𝓃 𝒶𝓅𝓅ℯ𝓉𝒾𝓉ℯ!´> |

Sneak peek(🔎):You've always loved your boyfriend riki but does it all matter when your relationship has no point of improvement and you keep going back to where it started?...

ingredients💭:fluff,angst,comfort,depression,mention of self harm.

No calls,no messages.

You've been staring right through your phone for hours,eyes burning not just from the screen but from something else deep within.Your boyfriend riki has gone on a tour to the states,you've been seeing clips from fan accounts on your socials.You were happy really,but you just feel so stupid right now sitting on your bed holding onto your phone for any updates from your boyfriend.Is it really that bad,you have to scramble through your socials to find fan accounts made for him and see him through the screen,if he's doing well,if he's all smiley?.No,when did it ever get bad to this point?.Thinking about it,it has happened a long time ago.At that time you were just busy telling yourself it would be fine,brightening up because it was just the start.The start is what that has brought you to this.When you had first met him,it was simple.He didn't have any schedules walking freely around chrome hearts,his supposedly favourite store.That's where you met him,one look and he got you staring.God was he handsome,on a second thought he looked really cute more like a duck? Yeah that's what you said to yourself when you found him unconsciously pouting while paying the bill in the cashier counter.After that you started seeing him frequently and sometimes you had gone just to see him.When he noticed you,you guys really clicked.Had same interests,fun talks,love for figurines.When had it started hurting really? Have you been lying to yourself all this time?.

It was not okay,it is the time to accept it.You thought you were the silly one missing him like crazy full well knowing that he's an idol and he's really determined in making himself successful.Years of late night dance practice even when he was with you,you'd be on the floor leaning back on the wall,eyes threatening to close shut and take you to a peaceful sleep.But no,your boyfriend was there working himself to the bones.You had to stay awake support him,offer him water and cutted fruits because you really cared for him.You would tell him to take a break of atleast 10 minutes but he just looked at you with that adorable grin saying he's fine.Sometimes he would consider it and would sit beside you,playing with your hair or with the water bottle in his hands leaning his head on your shoulder,scooting closer.You liked it even though he was all sweaty.You both were really in love at that moment.But now? oh you don't ever want to doubt his love for you but it's been hard lately like you're the only one who's trying,who's pushing hard.You have decided to at least show up to one of his concerts or attend a fan call,it broke you that you had to pay to see him.A fancall would do you thought as you lifted your heavy limbs to walk and get your card.

You punched in the code,the website "weverse" loading your transaction.After some minutes animated confetti shower fills your screen "You've won a fancall,congrats! " It felt empty,the mere words generated by the app to provide excitement was only breaking you more.You were shaking.The fan call was in five days.Five more days,till you see him.This was it.You had a small dinner by yourself watching your favourite show remembering how riki also loves it.You quietly entered your bedroom not bothering to shower and change into your pyjamas or do your skincare.You plopped down on the bed pulling the warm cozy blanket till your neck,hair splayed across the pillow.You usually braid your hair to bed to avoid getting it tangled but you don't now.Tonight feels suffocating, without him on the side of your bed,clinging onto you like you're his lifeline.He was there to make the cold side of your pillow warm,even if he's not physically here sometimes.You would facetime eachother talk about latest memes and funny things or rumours that gets passed on around about him by the netizens.Sometimes a full yap session on what you've both missed out on each other's life.It was nice and fulfilling.

You silently pull the blanket over your head,leaving out a shaky breath.You quickly press it down on your face.Your lungs burn at some point,your vision blurring.Your throat was burning and your eyes were watering.You need him like the oxygen you're so deprived of right now.It's painful,you never thought about yourself here in this moment at the start of your relationship.Moving on from exes were so easy,you backed out the moment you saw a bit of red flag behaviour.But you can't here not when you love him so much that you're suffocating yourself.You don't like to call him a red flag,it's you who is stupid and hurt.He is working hard there and you're here crying like a silly over literally nothing.Void consumes you as you enter into an unconscious state of sleep.

The next few days are haunting,a quick blur.It all merges into this day as you sit on your desk,your phone facing you.The front camera staring right at you,catching your face.You quickly fix your hair and makeup and double check.Clearing your throat awkwardly,your eyes dart to the time display on your phone.Just three more minutes.You fixed your dress again not wanting to sit idle and then your phone freezes momentarily before another screen joins in.You gulp nervously putting on a smile and checking if the lighting is okay.The screen is a little blurry before it fully focuses.Ni-ki emerges from under the desk,mumbling to himself as he dropped something.He sits comfortably in his chair and finally his eyes focus on you.His brows scrunch a little before his eyes widen.You open your mouth to greet him.In a hushed whisper he cuts you off "What are you doing here?My manager is right there y/n.Do you want us to get caught?"right,usual ni-ki when he is panicking.You put on a smile again.

"Hey it's been a while since i saw you" you speak casually getting the hint and acting like a fan.He replies back"How are you? I think I saw you in our concert in LA right? You were the one holding up the duck banner.Yeah?".You nod quickly,composing yourself "yes,you remember!.I'm fine.How are you?". "Ah im fine of course just busy with comeback preparations" he says while you think of it as a subtle reply as to why he's not available.But his tone lacks the warmth reserved only for you,right now he's talking to you like you're his beloved fan maybe because his manager is right there and things could go wrong.Or maybe it's always been like this for a while.You remind yourself to not overthink as you speak through, "I miss seeing you,hope you're doing fine" you say as to subtly convey your worries.Not confiding in it,he waves dismissively with a quick masked laugh as he replies casually to you like you're just a fan.

The call ends in a blur,the timer ringing from his side as you guys quickly exchange goodbyes.As soon as it ends and your screen goes black,you put your hands over your face,regretting acting like a fan.That's not what you wanted clearly,this is not enough.Maybe a concert? well if he doesn't act like himself in a fancall how is it possible in a concert.Your heart twists painfully as you let yourself cry.You think of your little self,always so unsure,picking around your nails,scared to make friends.World felt so large and unfamiliar.Will you let yourself tell her that you never changed and somehow she is always there afraid and lonely.You thought you were all grown up now,only to find yourself crying covering your face,letting the pretty makeup get ruined.You dolled yourself up for what?for hurt?,for pain?.Maybe you were always like this,maybe you failed as a person to give yourself attention and self love.You've always been one for self hatred or self loathing.Quickly regretting things you do or you say.You wish you were better,you always did.But with ni-ki things like that disappeared,it faded in the background,only living around his smiles and just him.

Maybe you depended too much on him,you were always clingy at some point.Not physically maybe but emotionally? You give yourself in wholly to whomever you love and right now you love riki.You think that's what has led to this.You love calling him riki while no one else did,quietly liking the meaning that his name means strength in his language.He was your strength,your love,your trust,your rock.Everything you had to look forward to.He was your dream and you sure did achieve it but it feels so distant.Runny nose,swollen eyes,somethings never change you think to yourself as you wipe at your tears.You lean forward for the tissues,so white and so fragile like you in a sense.Easily gets soaked,like you are right now in tears.But it makes some things go away,so maybe it's different.You can't ever make this depression clinging onto you like a second skin go away,ever.Would you ever be fixed?,tearing yourself away from this misery is as hard as building a skyscraper.Insecurity,embarassment,anxiety, overthinking,self doubt,low self esteem....what else honestly?.You think when these emotions came crashing down,it was your first ever real depression.You couldn't bear it,couldn't deal with it.You told no one.Looking at your old cut marks on your delicate wrist makes you shake and cry more,the mark so faint.Going through it was like walking through hell,your mind was your own punisher.Pushing you to self harm and self destruction.You cut your hair,wore new dresses,put on a pretty smile.You've come this far yet you still feel it,the old you.The you who is very fragile and is on the edge of breaking.You wish people were able to put up with you,you wish you had a normal mind.Getting sad only when necessary like normal people.Oh,how bad you want to be like others again.Does time really heal? Or does it push things back only for it to burst out like a volcano at some point? You never knew.You just missed him so much,you miss riki.But you can't ever bring yourself to cry like this in front of him.Opening up is hard when you've buried your old self to the ground around him.Now that he's not here,it's acting up again.You plan on running back to his arms.You don't want to tell him though,you know he's really stressed and overworked.

You quietly pull out your phone and swipe up the screen to unlock it.The brightness hurts your eyes,hissing frustratedly you lower it.You open your contacts and text jake and jay,your boyfriend's bandmates.You send out a quick greet and start texting about the surprise plan you've been wanting to do.You carry on with your day,waiting for their reply.You open your phone screen momentarily to check your notifications.When you were about to go to bed,you receive a notification from jake first.He agrees and says he will start preparing excitedly.He is a big enthusiast of your relationship with riki after all.Five minutes later when you're scrolling on spotify to make a new playlist,you receive a text from jay.He says that he heard from jake and they both will request their manager to let you make a surprise visit in the name of a family member specifically his younger sister's friend.The fake cause of visit is an urgent family matter to be passed on and since his family is on a vacation out somewhere,they've sent you.Perfect lie.Sure you do know sola,she's cute and funny but you feel nervous thinking about keeping up that facade while being watched by his manager.Days drag on as you receive a text from them that the company has accepted the request and the said date for the visit is a month away,you can stay with him there for about a week.You focus on trying to heal yourself but it all goes wrong anyway.Typical you.The sun shines through your curtains everyday but you're the one who's not shining at all.You pick up on your old depressive habits.It felt comfortable but consuming.You know you're gonna drown in it one day and lose yourself.Right now all you want and love is riki.You have to hang on for him.You have to be there to keep loving and supporting him.A goal to your insignificant life.That's what you think it is.

The day arrives as you drag your packed suitcase along the disinfected airport floor,you look down at your reflection on the floor for a moment.The jet lag was crazy,you feel so tired.The ache in your bones won't go away but you are here.Finally doing what you wanted to do.You're gonna meet him after so long.You open your phone's lockscreen to quickly look at riki's pic,he was smiling like a goofball with you in his arms posing for the photo.A lovely mirror selca is what it was.You fan yourself using your hands to make the heat in the atmosphere go away.It was really hot,you wish you dressed more lightly but you're more like all covered up.You thought it won't be that hot,well...your fault it is.You reach the destination as you look from side to side in search of the car the company has sent to pick you up.Suddenly you hear a horn from the far left corner and you recognise it.It's his manager's car.You cross the road cautiously reminding yourself to act like sola's close friend as you pull the black car's door.Making yourself comfortable in your seat,you pull back your phone and inform jay and jake that you're on your way.Taking in a deep breath you look out the window to stop being so nervous.The city was beautiful,just like riki mentioned in his chat with a fan that went viral.

The car pulls up to the hybe company,the big building standing tall in front of you.You look up to take a quick look as the sun hurts your eyes.You also click a photo as it's your first time visiting your boyfriend's workplace.Sighing you make your way into building by passing the revolving door.The interior was grand,well it had to be.It was the most famous k-pop agency after all,one of the big three's.They get the most money out the idols like your boyfriend.You enter the lift as you spot some staffs in there too.The manager guides you to enhypen's dance practice room.You hold your breath seeing the big bold inked letters on the door reading "Enhypen".You quietly push through the door,you could hear the new song blasting through the speakers and the loud instructions from the dance mentor.Heavy smell of sweat and cologne hits your nose as you step in.All of their heads turn towards you on the click of the door shutting except one,your boyfriend riki.

He's in the corner tired and unbothered.Sunoo gasps loudly as jake and jay remind him to treat you like sola's friend in hushed whispers.They exchange glances before calling riki and walk towards you.When riki really turns to look at you,he's surprised.He almost hugs you but jay stops him,telling him that there's a supposed hidden plan.He co operates though,sending quiet longing glances from his place.When the practice is over and everyone leaves including the staffs and his manager especially.He runs to you,arms woven around you as he pulls you in close leaving a relieved sigh.You bask in his warmth."Sorry,i was kind of off during the fan call" he says immediately.You pat him in the back to quietly let him know that it's okay.You pull back to look into his eyes before you place a quick peck on his cheek.He holds you like he's never letting you go."Seriously though,i never thought you would come this far to see me" he says with a grin."Just missed you,you know?" you try not to sound too cheesy but the laugh from him assures you that you just did sound cheesy.Now he's gonna tease you forever with it.That's what you think but "okay i kinda missed you too..." he says trailing of shyly.THE nishimura riki getting shy? No way...,you giggle to yourself and he only finds it more endearing.

The door opens and a figure emerges interrupting your moment,"oh sorry,i just left my airpods here" jungwon says cheekily before leaving the room with a thumbs up in your guys direction.You let out the breath you didn't know you were holding in,"scared much?" He says calmly toying with your baby hairs on your forehead.Sighing you say,"I don't know,i still feel so cautious around here as i lied saying that I'm your sister's friend".He waves it off dismissively,teasing you about being careful.You both decide to go to his dorm.You are greeted by loud screams when you step in,it's heeseung and sunghoon playing league of legends.Typical them,you sigh to yourself as you both head towards riki's room.Looking around his room,you see the joker figurine and some cool stuff that's just so him."Sit" he pats the edge of his bed,you comply sitting beside him.His hand extends to hold yours but he stops,"Wait....why is there dry skin around your nails?Have you been picking on them?" He says examining you.You stop fidgeting with the hem of your shirt "Oh,uh it's a habit of mine" you say drained of the energy you had now that you had to act like you were fine again."Don't ever do it again" he says before standing up to get a hand cream offering it to you.You apply it gently,the cream cool on your dry skin."I don't really use it but you should" he states while all you could think was how he can always see right through and how you always manage to hide it and get away.You've been playing these games with him for long enough,does he really not know? or is he just pretending?.Pushing out your thoughts you cuddle with him on the bed,his hands swung over you like a koala.Hours pass and you can't sleep much instead you prop yourself on your elbows, leaning against the headboard to look at his peaceful sleeping face.He probably must've thought you were asleep.The depressive thoughts resurface again,you try to push it out as tears silently fall from your eyes.You have been sleep deprived for long,it's disturbing.Insomnia was an issue solved long agao when you met him.Yet you are here again,in his arms right where you wanted to be but you can't seem to sleep and shake off those thoughts.They are becoming a part of you,slow and consuming.This time nothing makes it right,your heart still aches the same way when you miss him.It's like you have him right here in your arms but you can't reach him out for comfort.Is this real struggle?.You opt to quietly look at the clock and the slow rhythmic ticking of the clock spirals you into a deep slumber.

Days pass and you have a good time with riki,the thoughts consuming you momentarily.The final day arrives and you're left feeling empty at the start of the day.Grumbling to yourself you finish your breakfast.Then you go out with riki,spending time in places you didn't know existed.It was fun but you couldn't shake off the fact that this is the last day.The final day before you fall deeper without him.You want to keep seeing him but his job forbids you.Night arrives quickly and you make dinner with him,knowing nothing about cooking you both make a mess in the kitchen until jay arrives for rescue.Finally after dinner and some games,you're spent.Calling yourself out for a bathroom break,you stand in front of the mirror looking at your reflection,the colour draining from your face now that you're alone again.You fix your hair to cover your eyebags,pulling a few strands of hair infront of your face to look normal."I was thinking we should stay up late and play some video games" you yell closing the bathroom door to enter the living room only to find riki on the couch sleeping.Your eyes soften as you quietly try not to step on the legos you had built earlier.You plop on the couch beside him fidgeting with the hem of your oversized shirt.No,his oversized shirt.You consider taking it back with you when you leave next morning.

The members enter bidding you goodbyes and saying that they had a good time with you staying over in the dorm.You look off the whole time and the members notice it.Jay is the first one to question it,"Are you really that sad? He's gonna be back in a few months you know." he says trying to soothe you.Even if riki didn't sense it,the members had always known of your depressive side.Your smile fades quickly sometimes when you're alone and it is very noticeable.Maybe riki doesn't notice it since he's really close but everyone from a third person view can.You nod hesitantly,a tear slipping out before you can even stop it.The members face fall as they exchange worrisome glances.They offer you comfort and give their word that somehow they'll get riki to be in touch with you even when he's away from you.You can only glance at riki every now and then to assure that he's comfortable sleeping,half heartedly nodding at their words.They leave one by one and suddenly the living room is empty.It's just you again now.You place a feather light kiss on riki's forehead as you head towards his bedroom.You turn on the lights and start packing,stealing a few of his things and clothes.Throwing in some tees and hoodies of his,you still had a lot to pack.The night drags on as you stay awake and keep preparing for your flight tomorrow back home.You cover him with a blanket and leave a note on his table with few of your hair ties in the middle of your packing session.You know he loves wearing your hair ties around his wrist everywhere that fans question it sometime.

You leave early in the morning,jay the only one up to cook breakfast greets you as you have as your breakfast."Aren't you gonna wait up for ni-ki,you know say goodbye to him?" he says glancing at you."No but i did leave him a note,he'll know".Jay frowns but understands and bids goodbye as you finally step out of the dorm.The fresh air blesses your lungs as you wait for the cab to pick you up.The ride is silent and finally it pulls up to the airport.Dragging your suitcase along,you quickly look at your reflection on the airport floor again.You seemed so drained to yourself.Taking a seat nearby,you wait for your flight.You pull out your phone and check the time,riki must've been up by now yet you still recieve no texts.You smile sadly to yourself leaning back on your seat.It has always been like this.Push and pull with him was not fun to you.You wanted to keep in touch no matter what only for him to shut you off randomly,making you doubt your relationship with him.He acts like you don't exist at all,completely ghosts you but then again he is there holding you and making you happy.It was for him maybe not for you,when he needed a person to spend time closely with,he chose you.Maybe you should've stayed just a friend.The airport announcement shakes you out of your thoughts as you enter the plane and take your seat.

The jet lag catches up to you by the time you wake up to return back to your home.Weakly dragging your suitcase you take yet another cab to your home.You enter pocketing your keys after you unlock the door,the house still a mess just as you left it and you're here again to become one with it.A mess.It's the same the continuing days,he never texts,you cry questioning it again,the members try hard to make riki interact with you but he doesn't acting annoyed on the mere mention of your name,they hide it from you how he acts like he despises you.But you know from the lack of texts or calls once again that he's back to himself.Maybe it's just you who can't escape out of this with your depression and deep love for him.You hope everyday that you live a better life.Maybe next time,next life,maybe again with him but not like this.Not like reset and replay.

𝒞ℎ𝑒𝑓'𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑡𝑒:It's my first dish and the opening of my restaurant "The spice route".Hope you had a good meal!.Leave ratings!!. [✩✩✩✩✩/✩✩✩✩✩].

#my babygirl has started writing y'all #read #skdhfskjhg #hehehe #moots <3 #cuties of the world #mika <3

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