jaggedl1ttlepill

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

under blue moon, i saw you so soon, you'll take me...

god, returning to this blog is such a trip.

no, fall quarter rhiannon, you did not love that boy.

he did not love you.

it was for the better.

you did not love the boy who left you sobbing,

who used other girls to hurt you

because it made him laugh,

who entertained himself by seeing

exactly how cruel he could be

before you pulled away from him,

and who held you in his arms and sang

a song about how wicked it was

to do what he does to girls like you.

fall quarter rhiannon, it's future you speaking

you're now studying journalism

and you've got a whole village looking out for you

you're about to work for the hockey team

you've got two opposing, soul consuming crushes

and you're starting to feel pretty for the first time in a while.

you had your first real fight with nat,

which hurt more than anything

in an entirely alien way,

and in your separate rages, she recommended you for a job,

you protected her biggest secret,

and ally held down both sides of the fort till you came around.

you didn't love that boy,

and he didn't love you,

and that's the mercy of the winter.

you haven't taken a single

6 mile walk through neighborhoods and alleys

at three am anymore

because nobody has made you feel

so imperceivably empty

that you've felt the need to leave anymore

winter came and whited out

the mistakes and smeared ink on your pages

and now you're starting over again.

:)

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

New Jersey Devils v Pittsburgh Penguins | 9.29.2008

gettyimages

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

hello everyone let’s stop looking back and wondering if things could have been different, it’s never gonna happen! love you

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

flowers in december

i know it's over

wanted

ive been let down

reel around the fountain

so real

wicked game

do you love me now?

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

sobbing into my stuffed eeyore after he leaves bc i didn't want him to see me cry but i hurt so bad inside i can't understand it

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

normalize bursting into tears the second he closes your bedroom door behind him

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

why am i conflating a crush with love why can't i chill

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

today was weird. woke up to an eviction notice on my door. cried in front of strangers. i was mean to my roommate but he forgave me. saw e at dinner and i think he saw me, but he didn't text me or say hi. e is my figure 8. i think i love him. i hope he loves me. idk.

my head hurts awfully and i am kind of exhausted from all this guesswork. i talked to my mommy for a little bit. im gonna watch goodwill hunting, a movie that e swears is one of the best he's ever seen and insists i watch. maybe itll mean something to me. apparently, my favorite elliott smith song (that e sings to me all the time) was written for that movie. hopefully it doesn't ruin it for me.

this entry is boring, but it sums up life right now. im confused and lovesick and kinda scared all the time, but at least im still around. i watched the sun set over the neighborhood from my favorite spot outside the PAC. i journaled there and listened to miss misery while thinking of e. it was immediately after finding out i wasn't getting kicked out of school. i don't think ive felt that kind of gratitude and serenity since moving here. i think i need to go for late walks more often. i need to feel that peace again.

three songs to sum up today:

this one,

this one,

and this one too.

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

you have time. you have time to figure out what you want. you have time to figure out who you are. we are all constantly evolving, just make sure you are evolving into the favorite version of yourself. you have time to make your life more beautiful. and while you’re working on things, be nice to yourself and others. there is time. you have time. use it well.

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

what the fuck is going on!!!!!!!!!!

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

i wish i knew how to feel about him.

i wish i knew how he felt about me.

from the moment i met him, freezing my ass off outside the riot house dressed as princess leia, i felt weirdly drawn to him. he was drunk and dressed as uncle stan from gravity falls. i was standing with nat and some guy she remembered from oak harbor when he dragged his friend over to us to get our opinion on his silly rap lines. i remember his long blonde curls kept falling in his face under his hat. he sat on the deck stairs i was leaning against, and as i talked about something stupid, i remember him looking up at me with big blue eyes as if i was mother mary. he kept touching my hand before realizing what he was doing, and when i let him, he held my hand and played with the ring on my finger. i remember how cold his hands were compared to mine. halloween in bellingham isn't for the faint of heart.

i remember him rushing me inside because the hobby was covering fall out boy and i told him how much i loved fall out boy. i remember dancing with him in that crowded living room, and i remember having to stand on my tip toes to kiss him because he's so tall. we went back outside and i made out with him in the freezing cold for what felt like an eternity, until his friends came to collect him. he made me swear over and over that i would text him tomorrow. my neck was covered in hickeys i hadn't even noticed him leaving.

we've been seeing each other a lot since then. he comes over to my room and spends a few hours with me. he even got dinner with me once. he's always so loving; he holds my hand and plays with my ring still, while we talk about everything from music to movies to stupid professors. when he kisses me it feels like a native language. when he puts his hand in my hair or on my hips to pull me closer to him, it feels like an act of god. when he looks into my eyes, it feels like that one david bowie song.

i wish i understood him. how can you be this way with me and feel nothing? how can you lay my head down on your chest and hold me there without wanting me even a little? how can you see me in public and greet me with a kiss, but tell me not to want for anything? is he crazy? is he in denial? people tell me that only someone genuinely cruel could be capable of such a double standard, but i can't look at him and find any cruelty. am i too simpleminded to see it?

maybe it's easier this way. maybe he sees beyond what i do. maybe, when he was holding me in his arms singing 'wicked game' to me, he kissed me through the second verse because he knew he was guilty of every lyric. maybe he left before midnight tonight because he knew he wanted more from me, and it scared him. maybe he knows what he's doing to me and maybe he's sorry. maybe i'm the one in denial.

i hope it's easier this way. i hope that, somewhere beyond my confusion and heartbreak, there's a hidden upside to all this that makes it worth it. i hope that there's some unseen alternative that hurts way, way worse than any of this ever could. i hope there's mercy in something.

what a wicked thing to say that you never felt this way what a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

i hope it's easier this way

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

sitting on the floor of the shower picturing myself shrinking

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

does he love me or does he hate me

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

forgive yourself again and again and again and again and again

[jaggedl1ttlepill]

need more posters tbh