jaydengrayson - Tumblr blog

[jaydengrayson]

Well, it's definitely no one else but me. Oh? Well, I liked the blonde, it's very different but it's nice,definitely nice. Thanks, you too, healthy and great. Can I just--how long have you been back?

Jayden?—What the fuck? Yeah, I-ugh dyed it a while ago. I didn’t really feel the blonde much anymore and you look well good? Yeah, you look good and healthy.

[jaydengrayson]

Holy sh--I mean, uh, yeah. London hasn't changed much, but you have. By that, I mean like your hair, it's darker.

London hasn’t changed a bit—stupid expensive salads, water and they still charge for extra dressing.

[jaydengrayson]

I'll do anything for you, whatever you ask from me I'll do because you being happy is all I ever want and all I ever had wanted for you. I don't want to leave you, walk away or ever need to say goodbye but it seems so inevitable. You ask a lot, you know that, right? That should never of been a request, I'm glad it is because I don't want to resist you, I need to just... feel you, have you and get to have the electric feeling that you used to run through my veins in just a touch. I do love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll say it fucking forever if I have to and I won't let it ever slip away because you're worth, so you get every single request you ask for.

No waiting, no rules, not anymore. I want to have you. I love you, Adison Masters, I don't fucking care for anything else. Your happiness and your love is what I need in life, not some fucking pain and torture is pulling the one thing that makes me feel alive. You make being human worth it.

As my angel you have to keep me happy, you have make sure I am happy at all times. Given the circumstances, I pretty sure you take requests because I can’t do this, I don’t want this to just stop. I don’t want a goodbye from those lips of yours. I want you and only you. I want nothing to do with anyone else. I want to be your pain in the ass, your fuck up that you have to pick up all the pieces. I just want…..with all the fiber in my body is you. So here it is just one last request and maybe if you want you can move on, keep your distance but I just sort of, kind of crave this. I know the big guy upstairs isn’t going to be happy but I’m basically asking my angel for something that’ll make me happy; You won’t get hurt and I’ll be just fine. Jayden, I need you to just this once to kiss me like you will never kiss me again and tell me that you love me just this once. Because I missed you and shit, I want you to be mine yet that’ll have to wait.

[jaydengrayson]

You're right, okay. I know that you are, the rules are rules and if I break them again I will be eaten alive, but somehow feel as if I was made your angel because I was made to... never mind. I'll just get underway with what I need to do, fix your problems and get out of the way, I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. Hurting you is not what I wanted to do, not ever. I wanted to just keep you safe and away from pain but I did the worst job because I'm the reason you had to feel pain in the first place. None of this is your fault, you're wonderful and perfect, a complete fuck up, yes but in your own perfect way. I knew the rules before you did and I'm not right for you, not at all. You deserve a human, a guy that can give you a long and happy family that's normal, I can't give you that. I can still stay for you though, I promise, I'll be here and I can make everything better. I promise, I love you I do, it aches that I had to leave you and I know you're no longer mine, but I'm still here till your days are brighter again. Then I can leave, with a proper goodbye and one where you'll be smiling rather than frowning. I have you completely, alright? Everything you need I'm here, even if it's to scream and throw abuse.

Jayden, stop just stop. You don’t have to sit here and break more rules than you already have because we both know what we did was wrong and we had the balls to do it which was even worse after I constantly told you that you’d be taken away but you know what, we can move pass this. We can just not love each other or avoid anything that comes near to even the word. It seems the easiest right fucking now because I figured out that this was my fault. I started this, I shouldn’t have told you I loved you. I should have moved on and you should have fell in love with your own kind. Either way you look at it, it was always my fault. But despite all this and the fact that we are going to have to avoid the feelings completely. I wanted to let you know that you were the only thing that kept me sane. The only type of anchor I had and that you had made me the happiest person on this earth whether you believe that or not and you stuck around like glue. I loved you so much, I love you but I don’t want you to go again..even if I should hate you I don’t want you to leave. I want you around, I crave you. Do your job and then when this is all over; We’ll move on. Forget about each other and you’ll be save, I’ll be save. Everything will be okay.

[jaydengrayson]

I-I, I can't do this, Adison. I fucking can't do it. Seven months I thought of you, every single day and every second you were my thought even in the worst moment. Even when I thought that was it, my soul was gone, all I wanted to think was you and all I could think was you. I didn't want to break my promises, I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to stay, but I couldn't, you have to understand. What was taking me away was so much larger than you could understand, it's what made you and me, I couldn't run,  mostly because if I did I'd lose you forever. Not just seven months, I'd be dead if I ran and worse, you could be and I thought I'd face it head on rather than leave it hanging for fate. I really fucking love you, I can't lie to you, I struggle with the words to tell you that I don't, but I do. You're all I've wanted since I was basically nothing up there, since I was told I could guard you and I wanted to have my eternity with you. Only it was meant to be an eternity of only small empathy, not any else, not touching you, not feeling your kiss, not looking into those beautiful eyes and most of all not laying in a way only a husband and a wife should. I shouldn't of done that and lead you there, but I wanted it, I wanted you. I wanted to feel that love and I wanted you to feel what I felt. I know it's love. I'm not stupid, I'm not confused. All I feel for you now is love, but I'm scared for you. I'm not letting you have one single thing on your body knocked out of place. I need you safe, I need you as you are. I need you and I want to love you, but it's tricky.

I don’t fucking love you. I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you. I never loved you. I don’t love you. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts, it hurts to love you.I don’t love you. Not even an inch of love for you. Good, don’t you love me. I never asked for you to love me, I never wanted to make you love me, Jayden Grayson. Cruel and unkind? Yeah, just how I thought of it too. Fucking cruel and unkind, heart wrenching, cruel. None of it was real, it was all fake. Plastic like your emotions, the emotions you never had the feelings that you couldn’t feel. It was just a fucking game like you said; You weren’t suppose to feel any of it and commit your sins. But despite everything I can’t bring myself to hate you. I should hate you so much. I should hate you. I hate you so much but I don’t but I should. I won’t look at you, alright? That is already sorted. Already fucking had this conversation. I won’t look at you at all. I don’t love you. I just don’t fucking love you. I fell desperately and hopelessly in love you, that is the point you don’t get. You don’t get it, do you? I’d go through all the pain for you. I don’t need you to sit there and take all these things because of me because that isn’t what you were suppose to do. You were suppose to stick around, Jayden. You promised, you lied because you left. I don’t care what reason it was for and what you went through but you lied to me. You couldn’t keep a promise and you shouldn’t have went along for the ride. I’m not happy, I was never happy. I could be happy and you would never know but I was happy once. When I was wrapped around your arms and completely engulfed with you. I was happy, I was okay. Everything was okay. I was okay..I was happy. Fucking happy. Stop being so selfish because this isn’t one sided, this isn’t all about me or you. It’s about us…just…I care way too much about you and it fucking sucks.

[jaydengrayson]

Yes, you don't love me. Say it again, repeat as making times as you want because I don't care, I just want you to hear those words and believe them. That you don't love me, that you hate me with everything you have, that's what you need to do now, that's what's going to help you. Scream and shout it ? Right ahead, I fucking don't love you, Adison Masters. Never have and never will, I'm not meant to feel, I was not meant to fall for you some pretty human girl and commit multiple sins. It was wrong and it wasn't love, it was something cruel and unkind, not fucking love. It made me go mad and that's not a love, that's confusion and satans pull against everything holy. Good, don't look at me, I don't think I could stand it anyway because no matter how much I apologise and throw that out there it won't make a different for what I can see behind those eyes. I'd rather avoid your attachment and anything that involves getting close. You didn't ask me to take the pain? No, you didn't but what fucking man would I be if I didn't take it? I did this, I made the pain, I made the mess and I wasn't going to let anything fall on you. I could have been sent to an eternity of it and it would have been worth it as long as you didn't feel one chain, one burn or anything lash against your perfect skin. It did fucking hurt, alright and I'm sorry that you had to feel pain, any emotion that hurt because I didn't want that. I want you to be happy, Adison. That's all I ever wanted you to be but I forced something terrible on you and I'm sorry. I-I can't tell you how much I wish I could take it all back, rewind back seven months and before, so I could do it all again. Not lead you the wrong path and bring you actual joy. I just- I do.. care.

I will do some morning prayers, I don’t need your fucking permission. I don’t fucking love, I don’t love you. I can’t fucking love a person like you, I don’t love you. Are you fucking happy now? I can’t and won’t love you ever. Never again, you don’t deserve this. You never did. You never deserved the way I adored,loved,cared for you or the way I cherished every single moment when I was with you. None of it because I get it, you don’t love me. You never did either and I couldn’t careless anymore. Go on, your turn. Shout, scream, and tell me how much you don’t love me, Jayden. Keep telling me because I need to believe it. I won’t look at you, I’ll avoid you completely. We will bicker here and there but that is it but I won’t look at you not like I did before. I didn’t ask you to take anything for me, you decided to take the pain out for yourself. I didn’t want you to take anything for me. It was wrong but deep down I know that you know that it was fucking right. All of it; Every inch of it was right but you keep going at this. I hope when you fell from heaven it fucking hurt because you can’t feel pain or sorrow but I hope you shattered into millions of pieces. You’re just a waste of space. Now, let us hurry up with your job and fix something so you can go. Also, I did get hurt. I was broken into puzzle pieces because you left just out of the blue. I was missing a screw for all those seven months and you have no right to say you took all the hurt away because you didn’t none of it. Nothing could compare to the feeling I had when you didn’t come back, when I waited for you for hours at your flat constantly thinking you’d show up with that ugly grin on your face but no one walked through that door. And so I looked like a fool,  I was an idiot.

[jaydengrayson]

Then maybe it's time for you to start doing morning prayers because I doubt there is going to be a big swap. Fine, you don't love me, scream it, go ahead and shout it at me, that's what's fucking needed. I- I don't have to prove what I'm saying to you right now,  I don't love you, that's it. I don't love you, I didn't love you. it was a complete foolish idiocy. I never felt emotion before and I got it wrong. I don't love you, not an inch of me loves you, Adison. You can take that and do whatever you wish with it because it's true, every part of me knows how I feel now and none craves you. I can't just disappear, I can't go anywhere and I have to stick with you, you may hate me, but there's nothing you can do about it. I don't want to see you either, I don't to be around you or feel your presence, look into those bright eyes and see you looking at me. I already told him that you wouldn't me, I asked I did, I already got in enough fucking trouble trying to get you someone else. You don't understand the consequences of everything. I spent the past seven months in fucking purgatory,  it was no holiday. I had to sit everyday and realise what I had down through torture, what we did, that was wrong  and I took every beating, I begged to take yours and I did. You didn't get hurt because I took the pain for you.

I should be able to swap you if I’m not fucking happy with the one I have. That’s fucking great, best day of my life right here. Good don’t fucking love me, I don’t love you either. I never did, I never will. Confused? Give him an applause everyone because he was confused. He had no idea what the emotion was after all the things you said you give me confused? Don’t fucking lie to me, don’t stutter this time and tell me you don’t love me, tell me you don’t love me with everything you have then I’ll believe you. You were just a waste of my time, honestly. I want you to disappear. I don’t want you here, I want you gone just go. Leave somewhere just god dammit, Jayden! I never needed you and I don’t need you know. You let the big guy upstairs know that, he can assign you to someone else because you aren’t the person I want to see every day because I hate you with every fiber in my body.

[jaydengrayson]

A person gets one angel in a lifetime and it's not like you can swap me for some other fucking decent one, it doesn't work like that. Hating and not wanting me around is the same difference in my mind. I had no choice but to leave, I was called back, I didn't have time to even prepare to go back or tell you I was leaving. I don't know, but you shouldn't love me because I-I don't love you, I never did, I was just confused and I can't have that whole thing anymore. That was just not meant to happen and I got too caught up in the whole new emotion thing. It wasn't you, it was me, you did nothing wrong. I can't just disappear, I don't know what you expect from me, it's this or my endings, I'm done for.

I honestly don’t know why you are still my angel. I didn’t hate you, I just didn’t want you around. You had kicked and fussed about everything getting better and here you are seven fucking months later. You tell me how am I suppose to act when the person I was pathetically in love with just vanished? You let me know how am I suppose to be okay with this? I forgot, you’re right. I completely forgot that it was my fault, my fault for being such a pain in the ass and for sending you away. I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t want to look at you, hear you, smell you. I don’t need you, want you. Nothing just—-this is pointless just stay away from me. 

[jaydengrayson]

You think if I could be your angel from afar I would be? Don't think I enjoy this and I get you're going to hate me, though matter of fact, you never were my biggest fan so it's not like it's much different than before. It's hard not to do things involving you when I have to sort your life out. Maybe I used the wrong phrase, because it wasn't so much fun and games with you being a pain in my ass constantly. Sadly, the big guy upstairs doesn't think you don't need me anymore, so deal with it. If you want me gone, then just cooperate or you can sentence me to an eternity in hell, your choice.

Is there a possibility that you can be my angel from a very long distance? Where I don’t have to see you? But you know you could occasionally send in an owl with a letter. You can’t even think about me, dream about me, say my name, wonder what I am doing, actually just don’t do anything that involves me. Damn, I must have forgot I guess it was all fun and games for you darn. Do your job somewhere else, I don’t need you anymore.

[jaydengrayson]

Not really, you want me just to disappear again? I'm still you're angel, that hasn't changed and I can't just leave this time. I can't say your name? Are you that mad at me?  I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stay here, help you then I'll fuck off, alright? I'm not playing games this time, just going to do my job.

You did. You could have walked the other way, you know took the subway away from this area. And another thing, don’t say my name. Also, that’s cute but I don’t care what you have to say. Now, what’s the word? Fuck off.

[jaydengrayson]

I didn't have much choice, did I? Well, too bad, I'm here and in your way, Adison. I have no other choice but this, think I want to face you now? I don't, but I'm sorry, for it all.

Fuck, you have balls to even come back. Excuse me but you are blocking my view of all the people I could run into it had to be you.

[jaydengrayson]

London, you never change, do you? It's nice to finally get back to human normality after so long.

[jaydengrayson]

[jaydengrayson]

[jaydengrayson]

Since I don't want to delete all my posts and the like, I'm going to ask for everything below this to be ignored and enjoy the picture/music spam above.

[jaydengrayson]

- This is now an edit from those tags that my mind is saying bed, I love you all.

[jaydengrayson]

adisonmasters:

I don’t know, I wanted a change of mood. I sort of wanted you and your sheets, I felt like you would like it. That you like this cute and closeness from me. So, here you have it.

Hey, don't make it out like it's a major hassle, I love it, I love you and you're perfect though you're always cute even if you're playing the badass distant lover. You're amazing, no need to pull anything just for me.