je-suis-un-fardeau

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

i just miss you so much. i know you’re dealing with a lot and it’s overwhelming and i understand so well how that feels. but i also can’t help but worry that you’ve lost interest in me again. you wont talk to me. you won’t tell me what’s going on. you won’t even tell me you love me. and i can’t even talk myself out of spiraling because this has happened before. you grow distant, then tell me you need space, then turn your location off, and next thing i know, i’m either cheated on or abandoned or both. i’m trying so so so hard to trust you and be a good partner and give you the space you need and remind myself that you said it had nothing to do with me but i’m also so so scared that i’m about to lose you again. it’s all i can think about. i don’t know what to do.

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

i feel like one of those depressed zoo animals that just paces in circles all day. begging passersby for a shred of attention. ramming my head into the walls of my enclosure. biting at my own ankles as enrichment.

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

idk i guess i just wish i was allowed to be upset by legitimate triggers without the crushing guilt that immediately follows

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

wow haha just another reminder that i’ll never be your first choice for literally anything! :)

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

I need attention so bad rn but the idea of acknowledging or reciprocating any attention I may receive is nauseating

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

“psychic” damage i say, as if i don’t throw up in my mouth and attempt to swerve into oncoming traffic every time i remember you were at his house and probably actively fucking him while i was sitting there trying to convince my best friend that you were the loml and it was different this time and we were going to get married. ha. HAHA. how fucked up is that? and you wouldn’t even admit you were sleeping with him until i told you i already knew. and so now i have to wonder what else i should’ve been prying about!! HAHA. that’s so funny, isn’t it? isn’t it so funny how i can’t even look at the pictures of my own birthday anymore knowing that you were lying to me the whole fucking time?? knowing that he’d had his hands on you right after i did and knowing that you were probably talking to him the whole time i was there and knowing that i was never actually as special as i thought i was?? i think it’s hilarious.

i keep trying to convince myself that i’m over it and i’m not allowed to be upset about it anymore and then i continue to take 10 points of psychic damage every time i remember what you did

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

i keep trying to convince myself that i’m over it and i’m not allowed to be upset about it anymore and then i continue to take 10 points of psychic damage every time i remember what you did

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

do you ever do that thing where you fantasize about a thing or event for like weeks in advance (specifically about all the ways to get the Most Attention Possible) but then it actually happens and it doesn’t go exactly to plan down to the last minute detail and it feels a little like your soul is being crushed and you then instead start analyzing every single thing you said and did and how it could be construed in the worst possible way and now everyone hates you actually and you can never talk to any of these people ever again

which disorder is that

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

i won’t stop loving you. ever. i can’t. you’re in my veins, i feel you deep in my chest and in every fucking breath i take. i see you everywhere. i can’t spend a day without thinking of you. i can feel your hands everywhere you’ve ever touched me, burning your marks into my skin. showing everyone that i’m yours.

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

i am so tired of everything all the time

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

One thing I tend to do that is like a normal thing but is also like a narc tendency is talking to myself

Of course like everyone talks to themselves but i talk to myself as if i was always being watched by someone, which makes sense when you think about it . But it’s also sort of theatrical in a way.

Idk if anyone else notices that like along with the usual symptoms of NPD we have like, weird quirks and actions that make us unique. Just something I’ve thought about.

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

.

i think i'm having the most violent narc crash of my life and i really don't know what to do.

it's one thing to be paranoid, to worry that others are lying. it's one thing to listen to the voices in my head telling me i'm unimportant. it's one thing to consider the possibility that maybe i'm not so special after all. it's another thing to have proof. it's another thing to be shown time and time again that you will never be enough. it's another thing to have to look reality in the eyes.

they keep asking if i'm okay and i don't know how to say that i'm not. i don't know what to ask for when it feels like there's nothing of me left. i've cried hard enough to make myself sick more times than i can count because there's nothing else i can do. i can’t eat, i’ve barely slept, i’m supposed to be working today but i’ve been trying to write the same email for three hours because i can’t stop crying long enough to finish a sentence. i'm a sorry suicidal husk of a person without my delusions of grandeur and i don't know how to get out of this hole.

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

i can’t believe i believed you.

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

The NPD experience really is just claiming to hold an opinion for one person and then dropping it once it doesn’t work for another. My true thoughts on it? Don’t even ask I may not know myself

[je-suis-un-fardeau]

Please make everything about me. Adore me, praise me, kiss the ground I walk over.

Please don't look at me. Don't perceive me, forget about my existence, let me bury myself with no consequences.