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jesgagirlamoo · 2 years

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Never treat love as a means to an end

I had an epiphany.

Just recently, I talked to a friend about the topic of love and intimacy.

It was nothing special. It wasn't a 3 hour-deep-dive into the topic of love or intimacy.

I just asked them "Hey, what're your thoughts on intimacy? Like the definition of it" and this is what they said in verbatim.

"loving someone on a deep level and having a genuine connection to them. "

"its a feeling, not an action"

I was satisfied with that answer. I kept viewing intimacy as an action that I would often contemplate "why doesn't anyone like me?" it then dawned on me, I never actually felt intimate with anyone because I tend to view any relationship as short-term.

So I had moved on to 2 of the most important components of intimacy so that they might give me some insight into the inner workings of intimacy: trust and comfort.

"comfortability is necessary, intimacy requires trust and comfort between the people"

"feeling safe and loved by someone"

I was so fucking blinded by the prospect of sex and dates, I had completely forgotten about the most important thing to relationships; Love.

To have a sense of trust to another person, to actually feel like you don't have to pretend to be someone else for that person. The aura of safeness that no one else can possibly give you.

I focused so much on the fucking reward I forgot that they're also human beings deserving of trust and real love. Not just love because I wanted the status of having a partner, not because I wanted to fuck, not because I wanted to kiss, not because I wanted to do little stupid fucking stuff with them like sneaking out at 3 am to drink at their house.

Idk it just felt like the reason I never feel intimacy is because I never really trusted anyone before; nor have I ever seen someone else as a fucking reward for me.

It just gave me the motivation to improve my perspective of love. To love someone because they want my trust and I want theirs. To feel comfortable in their presence, all that shit.

TLDR: All of my life i thought love was about physical reward til I realized that love should be the end. The physical stuff are just stupid things that might happen who fucking cares.

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anyway just a quick vent now, this is completely unrelated and just skip this if you dont want to hear some pathetic shit I felt like this was perpetuated by my father when I was 12.

For some fucking reason this asshole keeps repeating every single fucking second "take away a girl's virginity" "fuck her well"

He repeated it so fucking much I can hear it ringing in my fucking head right now. And those repulsing fucking gestures he made. He couldn't even stay faithful to the wife aint that crazy?

I want to headbutt a wall just for remembering this, man fuck I even remember when I first just broke down because I had enough and just Sh'd straight up because it made my head so fucking numb i needed to clear it.

God there is no curing this duality I feel for him nor anything else for that matter

#epiphany #vent post

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