jessi-b - Tumblr blog

[jessi-b]

You stopped saying goodnight and i stopped sleeping.

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to say i miss you doesn't even begin to capture the despair your absence has brought me.

— mae s. (journal entry to the one i still love)

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i think i‘ll always love you

even if its just a little bit

ten years from now a piece of my heart will still beat for you

maybe its the curiosity of ,what if‘

or maybe its the emptiness speaking

but nomatter why,

i‘ll always love you

[jessi-b]

It is so very hard. Everyday you try. And try. And again. And again and again and again.

Brave face. Pokerface. Fake Face. Pretend you’re not hurting. Pretend your heart isn’t breaking. Right now. Pieces that hurt, already broken. You smile because you know nobody wants a friend that’s sad. A partner that’s negative. No fun.

Nobody sticks around sadness. It clings to you like a nether rock, grasps you, never lets go.

Why does the pain keep returning? Why does it always get so so dark again, after a period of light sunshine. Airy. Fairies. Fairies are always happy. You’re not as pretty as that. You ooze sadness even with a happy face. Because everybody keeps leaving. Nobody stays, nobody asks, nobody texts back. The moment you started being honest, trying to convey the vastness of your heart and it’s many sorrows and depths, you felt people drawing away.

It’s so damn hard. Even harder alone. All this pain out there that you take on. Why does it feel like nobody cares? Nobody loves you. Love! So strong. Not for you. Nobody wonders. How is she..? Gotten worse. How much longer..? We don’t know but haven’t asked lately.. life’s been busy you know..with the kids..the wedding planning.. mums illness..yeah I totally get it, me too.

But nobody is there for her. She’s slipping away. She’s not strong enough to withstand the pain much longer. It’s so dark. It aches and it burns and it fades.

Into nothingness?

Will she too?

It would be easier.

Yeah maybe.

Yeah.

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Hurtful

As a minimalist, all the clothes I have remind me of him. I’ve had them all this time, they’ve gotten to know him with me, were there for everything. Oh how I wish I could slip into their eyes and watch our first date, the way we slowly got to know each other, the way I started to trust him, started to fall for him. The way he became my rock-solid support, the one that I now can’t seem to hold myself up without.

I can see myself wearing these clothes in pictures with him. I remember when I wore that dress, or that top. It all hurts. So slowly I’m getting rid of my entire wardrobe. I’m making new memories, like that new top I just bought for a first date, the one I got stood up in.

The new memories aren’t great to be fair. The ones with him were better.

So I exchange, slowly but surely, each item, to somehow drop the pain, bit by bit. I try to neglect the creeping feeling that nothing can wash him off my skin. No matter how many new layers I slip into, I feel the rawness, the touch of his fingers, the softness of his caring for me with all his heart.

I’ve lost that heart forever, and it hurts, even after all this time. So I try. I find new colours, new occasions, a different style. I don’t want to, I want to be who I was with him. But I can’t.

I need to become this new, braver version of myself that faces this world alone. And I’ve gotten fancy new garments that rock, that say I’m a badass girl. People stare at me while I walk down the street, because I don’t give a sht. This girl is cool! They think. She rocks, she’s independent and strong! They don’t see how this is all a face, how underneath this shell there’s a thousand tiny star fragments that have shattered, and that make up who I am somehow, even though I don’t quite know how I fit back together again.

I will be this new version for a while. Broken and hurt inside, shielding myself off from this tough new world as best as I can. Every new blow cuts so much deeper without him. Hurtful - he taught me that.

And one day I hope that someone new will come along, shining like a bright light. So warm I can feel my heart melting, feeling safe again. Someone that will see my pieces for what they are, and isn’t disgusted or appalled, or even afraid. Someone to guide me again, to heal me and hold me tight late at night, like I do it for myself right now.

Maybe someday I can be whole again, and not feel pain when I have to dress myself each morning. I will be able to find peace with my clothes, and love and use them for what they are, trying to remember the warm memories that might still stick to them like a quiet hue. Shaping a new, happy life as I go on. The pain in my chest will be gone, and with each item I touch, I will be grateful for everything that they’ve known.

I won’t feel sad anymore. I will feel blessed to have had such a deep connection with another human at least once in this lifetime. I won’t feel scared of a potential future alone anymore. Until then I have to hold tight and build myself slowly back together. Hurtful, the pain in my chest is so strong. Hurtful, please go away.

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Let's go back right to the start, when everything never hurt us

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