jinxseong

[jinxseong]

captain-magikarp​:

“What happened between us wasn’t left up to me.”

It took all of Vic’s power to stay composed as much as possible. To not fly off the handles. He could never imagine blowing up at Gabby. He never had! But FUCK. What did Gabby mean by that? He was the fuckin’ one who didn’t respond! But maybe Vic shouldn’t have been quick to point fingers? Maybe there was something he missed? Maybe there was something he did that he wasn’t aware of that really hurt Gabby. 

Vic just really wanted to know what the hell happened. Gabby couldn’t have told him that much? He couldn’t have maybe called him on his house phone or something at the time? He couldn’t have spent 25 cents on a small text to at least give Vic some closure? But maybe Vic could have called him or sent him a text too. There were so many things Vic could have done, but he was just so afraid he’d intrude or come off desperate, especially because he hadn’t received a response in so long. He could have said “Hey! Got my letter?” or some shit like that, but he didn’t. Maybe Vic just wasn’t good at communication or relationships at all during that time. In fact, maybe he was never good at that kind of thing. 

It was always easy to tell how Vic felt in any given situation; he wore his emotions on his face. Vic was upset by Gabby’s comments. His cheeks became even more flushed, he had furrowed brows, and his eyes grew glossier and narrow. Gabby was being so accusatory! Like he didn’t do anything wrong? 

“And it was left up to me?” Vic said with a sharp tone. Vic let the awkward silence take over the room as he stared Gabby down. Once the silence became overwhelming, Vic continued, “I sent my fuckin’ letter.” The abundance of emotions simmering at his core started to make Vic feel sick enough that the water from his eyes slowly crept onto his cheeks. Did he let Gabby see this? Hell fucking no! The moment the tears wanted to reveal themselves, Vic looked to the floor again. Now avoiding any further eye contact with Gabby. 

“I’m not here to make you feel bad or whatever, I’m sorry. I just… I just spent so long being confused when I didn’t get anything back. That was our way of contacting,” Vic uttered. Before he continued, he brought his eyes to Gabby’s again, his voice faltering. “Maybe that’s none of my business, anyway… To know why.”

Vic sighed, wiping his cheeks dry, realizing it was nearly impossible to hide his tears from Gabby. When silence took over the room again, Vic released his eyes from Gabby’s. His eyes now had a soft focus on his ex’s hands. Maybe this was it? Vic didn’t fuckin’ know. He hoped Gabby would come into the bathroom, but he didn’t actually expect him to. Maybe Gabby did care? Or was it a lost cause? After speaking he surely didn’t expect much of a silence though.

Sometimes Vic felt stupid for lingering on this old shit, but it did still fuckin’ hurt.

Victor looked upset. He seemed...hurt and this wasn’t right. How could Victor feel that way? How could his words make sense? Gabby had been so sure he was the one that had been left.

Victor’s voice, his somber demeanor all showed a different story though. Had he been wrong? What did this mean then? It didn’t change the years of hurt and doubt. It didn’t change anything. They weren’t together. After all this time, what could Gabby truly expect? Victor had family and friends. He had a life before Gabby and he’d made one after and it wasn’t fair to ask for a place to make amends.

Gabriel stared at Victor, speechless and uncertain. His image of the person that had broke his heart was no longer Victor-shaped. It was a reflection of himself and his ideas and his uncertainty in everything he did. “But I sent my letter,” Gabby objected in clear words, unable to continue for a moment. He prepared himself for the inevitable, for the sudden misunderstandings to come to light until suddenly the door was pushed opened and they were no longer alone.

A kid walked in, pausing the moment he noticed the two. “Uhh, my bad,” The kid awkwardly mumbled, shuffling past the men to enter a stall.

The moment passed. Gabby didn’t possess the courage it would take to continue the conversation somewhere else. He knew this was it. This was the end and he’d done this.

“I’m going to tell Abe I’m heading home,” He said instead of asking Victor for more, for an opportunity to amend wrongdoings.

“I’ll... see you around then, Victor,” Gabriel said as he exited the restroom, feeling more unsure than ever before.

[jinxseong]

captain-magikarp​:

Gabby was definitely not going to come if Abe hadn’t arrived by now. Maybe Vic was being childish by storming off to the bathroom… But what else was he going to do? Sit on his ass as he took in the awkwardness at the table? Hold in his feelings? It was hard for Vic to hold in anything he was feeling. He was so bad at it. 

Vic didn’t storm off to get attention.. Or at least he thought it wasn’t for that. Vic wanted to talk to Gabby. He wanted to tell him how much of an asshole he was by not responding.. By letting Vic sit for a long ass time hoping he’d get a response from the dick. But he also felt stupid for holding onto this for so long. He spent half of his life just holding onto this damn grudge. Maybe it was time to let it go? Vic just couldn’t stand the thought of someone he cared about and knew for so long just cutting ties with him like it was nothing. How could someone do that? How could Gabby do that? If Gabby really came to the bathroom to meet him, would Vic have the guts to say all that though?

As Vic stood in front of the mirror, he wondered why he was trying so hard to clean off his stain. To look more presentable… He still cared about what Gabby thought. But why? Maybe those feelings for him still lingered over the years. Maybe they never left, he just shut them up because it hurt so much. It hurt to even think of Gabby, even more so seeing him. Was it possible or even rational to love someone so much you care this much 20 years after the break up? It definitely wasn’t healthy, that’s for sure.

As Vic continued to scrub at his stain, the door opened behind him, revealing Gabby in the mirror. Shit…

Vic’s eyes shifted toward Gabby’s reflection, watching his every move as he entered and walked closer to him. Vic was in such shock, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Gabby. It stung to stare at him, but Vic couldn’t bring himself to look away and he fucking hated it. Gabby looked so damn good. He always dressed nice too. And here Vic looked terrible. He was dressed all casual with some scruff. He even had some bags under his eyes after arguing with Gio for the past few days. 

In the past, here and there, Vic imagined a reunion with Gabby, but this was not the way he expected it to go. Definitely didn’t imagine it happening in a bathroom that smelled like ass, all while Vic looked terrible and gross… Definitely not how he imagined it.

When Gabby called Victor’s name he had no idea what to do or even say.. He cleared his throat as he dropped the soapy paper towel in the sink. Finally, he turned around to face Gabby, with both hands, grabbing onto and squeezing the sink behind him. He made eye contact with him and Vic just couldn’t look away. He hated that…

“Hey…” he said as he swallowed any further words. 

Vic knew it wasn’t Abe’s fault. After 20 years, he had to get answers somehow, especially since he was so close to the both of them. Vic probably wouldn’t have done the same thing, but he could understand it. Abe was always curious and eager to resolve things, especially when it came to him and Gabby, so it wasn’t anything new. I don’t think Vic would have ever been ready for this anyway, even if he was fuckin’ 80 years old.

Did Gabby ruin his night? No… it was already ruined in the first place… And even if Gio and him hadn’t gotten into an argument, Vic wouldn’t have thought his night was ruined by Gabby. He was just in shock… scared… speechless… and upset. He hated to admit it, but just seeing Gabby, talking to him, made him feel happy, but also super hurt. There were so many emotions racing throughout his mind, his body, even his entire cardiovascular system. He was conflicted.

“No, you didn’t,” Vic answered back rather quickly, it being obvious he was about to shit his pants. 

There was silence for a good minute as Vic stared Gabby down. 

Vic started going through what he wrote in his last letter to Gabby in his head. Did him bringing up all the stuff about Gio turn him off? Was Gabby just not into a guy that was probably going to end up becoming a dad to this kid? Did his lovey dovey messages to him mean anything? Vic thought he was the one that hated lovey dovey stuff… He never thought Gabby would be turned off by an “xoxo” or a “I fuckin’ love you”. Or even the weird and cheesy metaphors and references Vic added in there.. He thought Gabby loved that crap. Was Vic a damn fool for assuming Gabby would like that kind of thing? If Gabby hated it, Vic would have been the first to not write down any of that shit. If it weren’t for Gabby, he would never have been all gushy. Hell to the fuckin’ no. But he wanted Gabby to know how much he cared. How in love he was with him much he liked him. If Gabby liked boring ass letters, Vic could have written a boring ass letter, as long as he knew that’s what he wanted. Did Gabby want it in fuckin’ business format or some shit? Or a memo? Vic could have done that. He didn’t know the first thing about writing a business letter, but he would have fuckin’ learned for Gabby, if that’s what he wanted. Mostly, Vic was just embarrassed… He was just fuckin’ embarrassed. He never shared that side of himself with anyone before that.. And look what happened.

Before he knew it, Gabby was ready to leave. That’s definitely not what Vic wanted. He wanted him to stay. He wanted to say a bunch of shit. He wanted to share what he was thinking, but he didn’t know how! 

“No… I… I don’t want you to go,” Vic let out, his cheeks flushed and his eyes a little watery. “I wouldn’t blame Abe for this. He’s always doing this kind of shit. It’s fine. I mean.. Uh… I’m sorry, I just don’t know how to say it…”

Vic was super nervous. This was the first time he had talked to Gabby in years. What was he going to fuckin’ say? ‘Don’t go, I hate you’? No. ‘Don’t go, I love you’? NO. This wasn’t the fuckin’ movies. 

Silence took over the room, once again. 

Vic finally shifted his gaze at anything else but Gabby in the room. He settled with staring at his own feet. Fuck, his shoes looked gross too. What was he thinking wearing his dirtiest shoes? 

“I just want to know why,” he let out, knowing he was being vague. Would Gabby have known what he meant by that? He fuckin’ should’ve. He waited for a response, but once a prolonged silence swept over the room, Vic figured Gabby was either confused or a coward. Should he have clarified?

Vic’s eyes began to water a bit more. He was on the verge of tears, but he didn’t want to fuckin’ cry. Vic never fuckin’ cried. He tried to hold them back as much as he could. To prevent any tears from coming out, he threw his eyes to the ceiling. 

“Like… did I do something wrong or say some shit I wasn’t supposed to? If I did, I just want to fuckin’ know, Gab…. riel.”

Silence.

“Was it Gio that scared you or something?” Vic let out, finally meeting Gabby’s eyes again. 

Vic felt like he was drowning in his own thoughts and emotions. He couldn’t even breathe at the sight of Gabby, much less when he was speaking to him. It was very evident that he couldn’t breathe.. that he was holding back a whirlwind of emotions.

“Hey,” Was the single syllable word to leave Victor’s mouth. It was simple, unassuming in every possible way. It wrecked Gabby. At his core, he burned and burned and burned.

The moment their gazes met was gut wrenching for Gabby. He thought he’d passed this stage of his life. His past embarrassment had simmered to grief and the grief had spread until it made its way to his central being. While it no longer consumed him, it resided in him and it kept him always a bit cautious in love, always a bit hopeless. All the blame couldn’t fall onto Victor, though. Gabby was a romantic, a hopeless one at that. He imagined the best and he settled sometimes because he saw things that weren’t there.

Maybe he’d imagined Victor’s feelings... No, that wasn’t right.

Victor may have not written him, but he never lied to Gabby. He never lied to anyone. Maybe Gabby had imagined the depth. Maybe he missed the signs— it shouldn’t have mattered though. It shouldn’t matter that Victor didn’t run at the sight of him, that he didn’t think Gabby hadn’t ruined his night. None of it should’ve mattered. Gabriel knew what having it matter did to him.

Despite the turmoil growing within him, Gabby kept staring at Victor, waiting for him to speak. He waited and waited and then he heard Victor speak. He pressed his lips together, having a hard time finding the right emotions. When you’re asked by your ex not to leave, is it an indirect message to stay? Do you suddenly matter to them? Or is there a pitfall ahead? Gabby felt his unease grow as conflicting emotions surfaced. Suddenly, Victor was quiet and Gabby couldn’t find the words to ask him what he meant. The silence shadowed over them, only receding when Victor spoke again.

“I just want to know why.”

“Wh-what?” Gabriel uttered in disbelief. His heart stilled before picking up its pace and pounding his chest. He thought he could hear its attempt at escape. He thought he’d faint. But not really... Well, just a little.

Gabby stared in shock and he wondered what Victor meant because it couldn’t equate to what Gabby thought he meant. It couldn’t. But... Victor spoke again and threw Gabby a look of such complexity that he couldn’t fathom what Victor was thinking. It was unfair how Victor’s look alone could make all his words catch at his throat. He wasn’t sure how to think when Victor looked at him like that, like Gabby was at the center of his problems.

Like it’d been his fault. His decision.

“What are you asking of me? What didn’t I give you then that you didn’t take and decide you didn’t want anymore?” Gabby’s voice wavered, awkward pauses where his throat constricted.

“What happened between us wasn’t left up to me.”

[jinxseong]

captain-magikarp​:

‘You’re not my dad…’

Vic couldn’t comprehend those words when they came from Gio’s mouth. The fuck did he mean, Vic’s not his dad? If he wasn’t Gio’s dad, then what the hell was he to him? A friend? Some random guy who just decided to take care of him? Their relationship to each other was always really hard to explain. Vic was so young when he started caring for Gio that he was a lot of things…  A friend… An uncle… Even like an older brother… and later, a dad. But did Gio ever see him as his dad? Did Vic fail and leave Gio feeling like he never had a parent? Did Gio feel alone? What was Vic doing wrong? 

Vic couldn’t help but feel relieved that Abe wanted to hang out. He hadn’t had a day off in a long ass time, so for the first time in a while, he took his dad up on his offer to manage the restaurant for the night. Lorenzo was always willing to take over here and there whenever Vic needed. To Renzo, it was like returning home after a long time. 

As much as Vic loved being around the restaurant and the boys, he needed to get out for a bit. He just needed a fucking break. He never had to deal with this situation with Gio. He always could tell that Gio bottled up a lot of his feelings, but he never expected things to explode in this way. They’d gotten into arguments before, but… just never like this. 

Vic met Abe at the restaurant they decided on. God knows why Abe didn’t just want to come over to Vic’s place so they didn’t have to spend money. Vic wasn’t about to complain about it though, at least this time. 

When they were seated, something seemed a little off. Not only was Abe weirdly sitting directly next to him, but Vic was a little surprised Abe even requested a booth. The guy usually always insisted on a table. He wasn’t about to question that either though. Maybe Abe was just really in the mood for a booth? He was being a weirdo, but what was new. 

Once they got settled in, Abe started acting odd. He kept looking at the menu, his phone, the menu. Maybe he suddenly invited Lin? God no… She always seemed to turn every conversation into a court case. Vic was always on trial and ALWAYS the guilty asshole. But after a while he was used to being blamed for shit… So, fine… If she was going to side eye him for every comment he made, so be it. She’d probably start judging his t-shirt, which, unbeknown to Vic, he had a tiny stain on the right corner of his collar. Vic wouldn’t have cared too much if he knew it was there, especially since he thought it would just be him and Abe. With Lin, well, nothing was new. If it wasn’t the stain, she’d probably find something else to side eye. 

“Yeah… I’m good,” Vic responded to Abe. “It’s just, Gio and I had a big argument, or something. That never happens, but it had to do with Remi. They hung out and I think something happened, so Gio was pretty upset. He said I wasn’t his dad. So that kinda fuckin’ hurt, you know?”

Vic hated to admit it, but he was conflicted about Gio wanting that closer connection with his mom. Maybe he was a little jealous of Remi. Vic never got to decide when to hang out with Gio and when not to. Vic always wanted to be there for Gio. Even when Vic was in school, he’d take the time to comfort Gio if he was crying. He’d read him stories about those three pigs and that rude ass wolf. He’d take him to the movies to watch “Stuart Little 3”. He never wanted to leave him feeling alone and unwanted. In Vic’s mind, Gio was always fucking wanted. Vic was ashamed to think this way, but he couldn’t help it. How could Gio want to retain more of a connection with someone who didn’t care instead of someone who was there since day one? He was jealous, but he also didn’t want Gio getting hurt over and over. He never wanted to get upset at Remi for something that was sometimes out of her control, but part of him did sometimes, and he hated feeling that way. 

“I know, you’d think, but I think it was easier when they were kids,” Vic let out, with an exhausted chuckle. Wanting to shift gears, Vic threw on a quick smile. He didn’t want to be a downer the whole time. “Hey-oh. We’re here though. I miss you, Abe.”

The more Vic saw that Abe kept peaking at his phone, the more annoyed he got. Usually Abe was a chatterbox who topic jumped all the time. Suddenly, he couldn’t keep his eyes off the phone. Maybe he had a client who kept sending him messages or something.

“Aye, lay off the phone, would you,” Vic let out as Abe interrupted him with his ‘Don’t hate me’. 

Vic furrowed his eyebrows, knowing Abe was up to something he probably wouldn’t like… But the suspense was killing him.. Who was it? Why would he hate him for inviting someone? Was there even someone he hated?………..

There he was. Vic’s eyes grew wide as he saw his ex, Gabby, enter the restaurant. Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. All air was immediately stolen from his lungs. His heart was pounding a million miles for every step Gabby took toward them. If Micah were there he’d be telling Vic his ‘palms were sweaty, mom’s spaghetti’. Everything was happening so fast, and yet everything seemed like it was going in slow motion. This was a fucking set up. Vic nudged Abe with his elbow, somewhat aggressive. Vic couldn’t believe what was happening. No wonder Abe locked him in the booth by weirdly sitting next to him and on the edge. Fuck. Fuck. Vic wanted out. HOW COULD ABE BE SMILING?

Fuck.

Once Gabby sat down across from them, Vic couldn’t help but stare in silence. All he could do was swallow any words that would attempt to come out. He stared for a good 2 minutes as Abe exchanged a few words with them.

‘Don’t mind the company’… DON’T MIND THE FUCKING COMPANY?? 

“No, I.. It’s fine,” Vic responded to Abe, his eyes still wide.

Abe forgot he was supposed to have dinner with both of them… He forgot… YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

He hadn’t seen Gabby in 20 years? A long fucking time… 

Suddenly, Vic was aware of what he was wearing… A casual and plain white t-shirt with a tiny stain near its collar. A little scruff on his face. He wasn’t as presentable as he would have liked…. But why would he fuckin’ care? Gabby didn’t give a shit about him, so why would he give a shit about the way he looked around him? Right?….. But Vic still cared. Even after everything.

The moment Lisa, their server, arrived at the table, Vic’s gaze was taken away from Gabby for a quick second to acknowledge her. Suddenly, Gabby and Vic met eyes, causing Vic to quickly look down at the table as he twiddled his thumbs.

Abe was just being annoying about it, but Gabby never looked better. He was perfect looking. Fuck, he even went to Liverpool? There was just… so much he didn’t know about Gabby. He’d be lying if he never thought about asking Abe how Gabby was doing. But every time he thought about him, he also felt sad and heartbroken… and angry. How could Gabby not respond?

Vic wanted to ask Abe about it so many times, but he never wanted to involve him in something like that. Even if Gabby hurt Vic, he never wanted Abe to share something Gabby didn’t want to be shared. Even if he was upset, he still cared about Gabby’s feelings. Maybe he had a reason for all of this? Maybe Vic was just a fucking asshole and did something wrong? He’d never know, probably. Even though he desperately wanted closure. Vic knew that it wasn’t Gabby’s responsibility to tell him why he didn’t want to be with him anymore, but part of Vic really wanted to know. Did he do something wrong? Was it something he said? Was it Gio? Did he hear about Vic taking in Micah and Daniel? If that was the case, then maybe he was better off without Gabby. Anyone who couldn’t handle his kids was a no-go for Vic.

Vic would have liked to think he healed those past wounds with Gabby, but every time he still thought about him, he just got flustered, sad, and upset. It probably didn’t help that Micah found and brought the letters up to Vic about a month prior. Vic didn’t realize how long he could hold a grudge until this very moment. 

“No drinks, I’m ready to go,” Vic mumbled to Abe.

There was an awkward silence at the table for a good minute….

…..

“I gotta go take a dump,” Vic let out, nudging Abe to get out of his seat until he budged.

Once Vic was released from the booth, he quickly walked to the bathroom. If Gabby and Vic were going to talk about shit, he didn’t want it to be at the fucking table in front of Abe. If things were going to go badly, he didn’t want Abe feeling like he had to choose a side. Vic never expected that, but he didn’t want him to be hurt if things went bad… Mostly because Vic wanted to tell Gabby the fuck off. It wasn’t Abe’s fault… he didn’t know what happened…

Vic was hoping Gabby got the hint to head to the bathroom… but maybe Vic wasn’t clear.. Maybe he wasn’t clear about anything ever… And so, maybe that’s why Gabby broke up with him. Maybe Vic would just be waiting in the bathroom for eternity just like he was like waiting for that damn letter like a damn idiot.

Vic stood in the bathroom squeezing the sink and staring at himself in the mirror. His cheeks were flushed and he looked like he was about to pass out. After a few minutes passed, he grabbed some paper towels and smothered them with soap in order to clean the tiny stain off of his shirt. It wasn’t budging. It wasn’t fucking budging. 

Was Gabby even going to come? 

It had already been 5 minutes…..

“Uhh, okay. TMI,” Abe fumbled to say when he heard Victor speak. He looked perplexed by Victor’s bluntness. An immediate sense of dread overwhelmed Gabby. Was the sight of him that revolting to Victor? Could he not tolerate an awkward dinner when it included Gabby? He stared at the table, unable to keep the embarrassment from coloring his face. 

When it had become evident that Victor no longer wanted contact with him, it wasn’t anger that almost tore Gabby apart. What had held him back was the disappointment. He felt it in all aspects of his life and in all depths. It’d been hard to pretend he wasn’t affected by Abe’s casual mentions of Victor then. At the time, Abe’s age played the biggest factor as he was young and he’d known Victor so long that was impossible to expect them not to see each other. It... hurt though. It hurt a lot. 

Victor couldn’t be with him, but he had still kept in contact with Gabby’s family, still played the part of the older brother in Gabby’s absence. All the hurt and fragmented pieces of Gabby could never hate Victor for that. That had always been one of Gabby’s favorite things about Victor. He cared for those around him and he never disappointed them. 

Until it came to Gabby and maybe Gabby had ignored all the signs then. Maybe Victor had wanted to end things beforehand. Maybe they were never meant to last. Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered Gabby anymore that Victor didn’t want him then.

Abe made a wounded noise in the back of his throat as Victor nudged him to move, giving him a strange look Gabby couldn’t immediately interpret. He moved aside for Victor to quickly stand and retrieve to the restrooms. Gabby finally looked up from the table when he could no longer see Victor in his peripheral vision. Abe’s look of concern stabbed at Gabby’s chest. Each second that passed felt like an eternity. 

“I’ll go talk to him,” Abe said, already giving in to the bad habit of chewing his nails. Gabby hated to see him affected by this. His shoulders drooped in resignation as he began to stand. Gabby grabbed Abe by the wrist, halting him from moving towards the restrooms. Despite the lack of consideration Abe had shown for his feelings, Gabby couldn’t stand to see him so dejected. He braced himself for what was about to come.

“I’ll go,” Gabby said. When Abe only looked at him, Gabby sighed before giving him a strained smile. “I think I need to do this.”

“Okay, but please don’t get in a fight in the bathrooms. That floor’s gotta be gross, dude.”

Gabby shook his head as he rose up. Slowly, he made his way to the restrooms. Each step he took was like a march to his execution. All he could think was, Victor’s in there. He was going to see Victor and he was going to speak to him after over twenty years of third-party mentions. He felt sick.

Once he entered the restroom, he spotted Victor standing in front of a sink. Gabby now stood in the same vicinity of his only regret, of his first heartbreak. He stood completely still for a moment and he just... stared. This was Victor, his Victor. This was a complete stranger. He was flooded with such a feeling of loss that he almost turned around and walked out of there.

“Victor?” Gabby waited for him to turn. The silence was the deafening sort. The years had been kind to Victor. He looked well and as handsome as Gabby had remembered. He looked upset, but Gabby guessed his own displeasure was evident in his stoic appearance. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling to be caught in a scheme to mend a broken relationship, but neither was being in view of it. He knew Abe meant well. It just wasn’t his place to decide what warranted forgiveness and what was meant to stay buried.

“Don’t get upset with Abe. You know he means well,” Gabby said to put the silence to rest. He stepped closer, but never too close because he still remembered what that had always done to him. 

“I... didn’t mean to ruin your dinner,” And he meant it, even with the broken pieces of him that never stuck the same after Victor. He never wanted to be the cause of Victor’s distress. 

He knew he wasn’t wanted.

Victor never sent a letter back. That was as much of an answer as anything else. He didn’t need to see Victor’s look of discomfort or hear the stark resistance in his earlier excuse. Gabby had received his answer years ago. He was fine now.

He was as fine as he’d ever be.

What happened between Gabby and Victor shouldn’t affect any part of their relationship with Abe though. Gabby knew they stayed in contact and he took it in stride when Abe mentioned Victor. He’d never expect Abe to stop talking to Victor. Gabby knew how deeply Abe cared for Victor when he was younger. He couldn’t imagine it ever subsiding or disappearing the moment his relationship with Victor ended. It wasn’t logical. Nor would it have been fair. Still, that did little to ease each wave of pain he felt when he heard about Victor. It hurt worse to know that the feeling couldn’t compare to Victor’s intolerance of him though.

“I’ll leave if that’s the issue,” Gabriel spoke in chopped words, feeling the weight of each. “Don’t take it out on him, Victor.”

Gabby felt unsettled in his skin as he waited for Victor to respond, to acknowledge him the way he’d done before. He wanted to ask for answers, but all his questions would only show just how much he still cared and he couldn’t handle Victor’s outright rejection.

[jinxseong]

Surprise Guest | Victor, Gabby & Abe

Abe convinced himself it was for a good cause. He’d end the bad blood between two people he cared for. He’d forth a better arrangement or at least establish a stable bridge to walk through. After all these years, Abe could no longer stand the estrangement between Gabby and Vic. His return back home, as well as Gabby’s return to the States, was proof enough that this was meant to be. At least, he hoped it was.

It wasn’t a very structured plan, but Abe wasn’t trying to fight a case. He just wanted an opportunity to get them together. Somehow, Abe found a time and date they were both free. He proposed a dinner to which they both agreed to separately. Maybe things would work out. If they couldn’t be friends, they could at least be cordial for Abe’s sake. It’d been hard enough never bringing up the unspoken break-up. He really would be disappointed if neither of them could find a way to forgive and forget.

Abe met Vic inside of the restaurant they agreed to. Once they were seated at a booth, Abe quickly typed a message to Gabby, asking him where he was. Gabby replied instantly that he was on his way, stating in few words he’d be a bit late. Perfect. Abe looked at Vic as he opened the menu placed in front of him. He flipped through the pages, mind buzzing.

“Something going on? You look kinda tense, man,” Abe observed, appearing sincere in his concern. As they spoke, Abe realized that the timing for this meeting may be a bit off. Vic was still emotionally worked over his own family problems. Would that affect the surprise reunion Abe had planned? 

“Aww, geez, Vicky. I thought kids got better with age,” Abe joked lightly, sighing. “Give him some time. It’s probably something he’s gotta work out on his own.” As he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, Abe passed a fleeting glance at the message received. Gabby was here. Abe smiled softly at Vic. “Don’t hate me,” He said ambiguously before turning to see Gabby enter the restaurant. “Gabby! We’re here.”

No, this wasn’t happening. Gabby wasn’t seeing what he was, well, seeing. Abe waved him over, completely unfazed about the company he had with him. On rather shaky legs, Gabriel approached the table. His brother’s face was expectant and rather guiltless. “Abe,”  Gabby said in greeting, his heart dropping as the closer proximity confirmed just who sat beside his brother. Abe smiled as he sat down across from them. 

“Don’t mind the company,” Abe announced in a tone that could’ve been meant for either of them. Was this a setup? It had to be.

“I don’t,” Gabby replied in rapid words, pressing the rest of his thoughts back inside. He couldn’t look at Victor. He couldn’t. He cleared his throat, ignoring Abe’s long look of expectancy. What was Gabby supposed to do? Did Abe really expect him to forget what happened? What Victor’s absence carved out of him all those years ago? 

He couldn’t and he never would.

“I hope I didn’t keep you... both waiting too long,” Gabby kept his tone neutral and unprovoked because his hurt no longer gripped him the same way it had all those years ago. Sure, he’d healed from it, but just knowing he sat at the same table as Victor was a hard thought for him to grasp.

At that moment, the server thankfully appeared. “Hey, sorry about the wait. I’m Lisa and I’ll be taking care of you guys tonight,” The server said, her smile professional and fixed. “Wanna start off with any drinks?”

“Oh, we might need a minute, sweetie,” Abe replied before anyone else could. He waited for her to leave, putting his hands up in a placating manner. Gabby wasn’t fooled. “So, long story short, I kinda forgot I was supposed to have dinner with the both of you so I thought hey, why not just have a reunion of sorts?” Abe said, looking back and forth between them. Gabby couldn’t agree, but he kept silent. The silence didn’t deter Abe in the slightest bit.

“It’s been, geez, how long? Like twenty-something years right?” Abe looked to Victor to confirm before turning his puppy-like smile on Gabby. “Bet this is like a flashback for you, huh? You look pretty much the same, Vicky. Expect you, Gabby. You’ve gained a bit of weight.”

“It must’ve been all those fish and chips. Gabby’s been living in Liverpool the past two years,” Abe shared with the table. “I think I’m ready for a drink. How about you guys?”

Gabby prepared to endure an awkward evening of silent and Abe’s naive comments. The fact that this hadn’t happened sooner should’ve surprised Gabby. Of course, his brother would think forcing him to have a dinner with the guy that broke his heart would be acceptable. 

[jinxseong]

Lost Letter | Gabby

Vic,

I woke up this morning with a (terrible) surprise! After spending the night on the floor of my friend’s dorm, I was further rewarded with a crick in my neck. I guess that’s to be expected after being forced out of my own room. Last night, my roommate decided he’d have two ‘friends’ over. Walking into that kinda thing makes a person wish there was a way to erase such memories. My friend’s roommate wasn’t happy about the overnight stay, but I made it up to them the only way I know how. Bribery. Now they’ve welcomed me to stay whenever I’d like— just as long as I supply them with coffee. I’m definitely planning on talking to my roommate about the concept of boundaries. Again.

Despite the eventful night, school’s been fine. I’ve taken to tutoring a few of my classmates. Much of my evenings aren’t to myself anymore, but I’ve been checking my mail on a daily basis so I’m not too far behind. 

Not sure if Abe’s told you, but Dad and him are planning to visit for a weekend. Maybe, if you get the time off, you can come with them? Dad wouldn’t mind and you know Abe loves you. I wouldn’t mind seeing you either. Just a thought. Don’t feel pressured to come. I know you can’t drop everything for a weekend getaway.

I’m sorry if I’ve been absent. Reading your letters are the best part of my day. I wish you were closer so the trip wasn’t so long. It’d make the distance less noticeable, I think. It just feels like you don’t even exist anymore. All I have are memories, but they never equate to you. Not really.

Have I lost you? We haven’t spoken in weeks. It’s not like us... I know you must be busy. All I ever do is study, but I want to hear from you soon. Of course, only when you’re not busy or have the chance to write back. Don’t strain yourself. I understand you have a lot to do.

But I really miss you, Vic. No matter where I am or who I’m with, I think about you and sometimes I can’t breathe because of it. It just suddenly hits me. I’d go back home if it was that easy. I’d rather be there than here. I’d rather be wherever you are. Maybe that’s too much...

I’d like to hear from you soon. I love you. Maybe I didn’t say it enough or maybe I missed my chance. I always thought I was obvious about it. Is it too late? Do you still feel the same?

It’s okay if things have changed. I never expected you to wait for me. I’d be happy for you if you’ve met someone else. I’d be okay if you didn’t want to be together anymore. I’d still want you in my life, though.

I think I’m in love with you, Vic. It’s kind of scary to admit because well, it’s scary to be in love with someone. It’s scary to think you don’t feel the same, but I want to take that chance with you.

I’d always take that chance.

Only yours, Gabby xx

[jinxseong]

Keith powers Bleu Magazine

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Robert Sheehan for Rollacoaster Magazine (2019)

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carly rae jepsen no drug like me

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Electric baby🤘what colour are you wearing this summer? #todsgommino @tods

[jinxseong]

Beau Mirchoff as Ford Halstead in Now Apocalypse (2019)

[jinxseong]

Penn Badgley for GQ Magazine

[jinxseong]

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[jinxseong]

lost cause | self-para

Charlie sunk to the unforgiving chair, legs over the ‘sturdy’ arm of it. He tried finding comfort, but there was never going to be comfort in a hospital. For a place so well spoken of, you would’ve thought they’d have more money for comfortable chairs. He wasn’t getting treatment, but dear God he deserved something for the hours he had to sit through it. It wasn’t like he had anywhere else to be, though. His mother had said so herself. “Lee, don’t try playing me. I know the sort of ‘things’ you study in school. Come with me today.” There was no choice in the matter when she put it like that. He had to suffer with her.

Or simply suffer beside her. She dozed perfectly fine in her chair (which was cushioned and everything), a blanket over her and the port within her chest. Well, wasn’t she lucky? They pampered her ass all the time. Charlie groaned in discomfort, watching as the nurse did her rounds, checking on the other three patients in memorized routine. Her voice made him groggy, listening to all of the repetitive words that he could recite with his ears plugged. By now, he could play the part of the diligent nurse.

“How are you feeling today?” She always asked an incoming patient.

“Your blood count was low this morning. We’ll have to call for a blood transfusion. I’m not sure you’ll be getting chemo today.” Was her informative reply as to why things were delayed for one unfortunate soul.

“Any concerns should be taken with your primary care physician, sir.” She replied icily to a man several hours late. Poor thing’s twelve-hour shift would now be a fourteen-hour one and that was without complications. Charlie commended her for the work she did. She was obviously overworked.

“I’m so fucking stiff. Lee, get another pillow,” Charlie’s mom grumbled, her voice submerged in sleep. Charlie blinked away his own tiredness. When the hell had he fallen asleep? His back chose that moment to remind him why he avoided dozing in these chairs. He was stiff as fuck, hardly able to stretch without wincing. As he tried to regain some sense of his youth he gave his mother a look. It was not in approval either.

He eyed the three pillows she already had. She nudged him with her foot as encouragement and he went to the nurse. She hadn’t appeared very convinced but she gave him another anyway. Charlie tossed it at his mom. She huffed, pushing it behind her back. “Thousands of dollars and they wanna fuck me over. I thought cancer got me out of shit like this.” She settled on her throne, her tiredness weighing heavier on her face now that she was awake.

“No, you just get a free snack with the back pain,” Charlie replied, refusing to sit any longer. He knew he’d be fucked later tonight if he fell asleep again. He paced in their corner of the room. There isn’t much space for it.

“Mrs. Larsen, give me a moment to finish here and we’ll give you a flush to finish today’s treatment,” Jackie announced, smiling politely. She was covering the usual nurse’s lunch. It was obvious she was new by the way she spoke to Beth. Charlie thought it was cute. His mother wrinkled her nose in quiet discontent. She hated being called by anything but her first name.

“Sure, sweetie,” She’d thrown back. The nurse’s smile had taken a genuine turn. She hadn’t given attention to the jab.

Charlie raised his eyebrows when the nurse turned away from them, setting up for the end of their journey. “You’re so grouchy,” He whispered, his smile mischievous. Beth amused him by flicking him off, sitting up now that she knew she only had an hour left. Charlie thought it was funny the way she started. She would mumble responses at the start of each treatment, groggier than he was in the morning. By the time they started she was in and out of sleep, and then, with the end in sight, she was antsy. Charlie could barely keep her from pulling the shit out her port herself. He was sure if his dad hadn’t begged for her to take treatment that she would’ve refused it. She was impossible sometimes.

“Shut up and help me up. I need to move. Your dad call yet?” Beth asked, reaching for Charlie. He supported her. Her grip was looser than before.

“Nah, I texted him before you knocked out.”

“Good. You know he wanted to come too? He said he had some sick days to cover it. What a fucking liar.” She laughed, letting go of Charlie.

Charlie kept his hand on her elbow, shrugging. “Dad offers to call off when I’m at home with a cold. He’s a sucker.”

Beth was silent, thoughtful for a moment. “I know,” She sighed. “OK, Mrs. Larsen, I’m ready when you are.” The nurse announced.

“Let’s get this over with.” Beth beckoned her over.

“We’re giving her the treatment tailored to her needs. Anything stronger might do more harm.”

“I read that TAC—”

“TAC  isn’t a cure. It’s not suited for her.”

“Well, what is at this point? She’s not better! She’s not herself anymore.”

“We spoke about this before, Lucas. The cancer has spread. We knew there wouldn’t be a cure this far in. It’s not humane to continue.”

“But watching her die is? Get the fuck out of my face.”

“I’m sorry, Lucas.” The doctor says, sounding a touch sympathetic.

Charlie can’t see his dad’s face, but his hands are covering it and his shoulders are shaking. It’s fair to say he’s crying. Crying like a girl who got dumped by her first boyfriend. He thinks it’s sad. His mom would be pissed about it. It makes Charlie snort as he grabs her hand, her skin so warm to the touch. Who knew people dying stayed this warm? What did the nurse say earlier? She was running, what, 104.6°F for the past hour? That was pretty fucking hot.

Lucas re-enters the room. His face is dry but undeniably blotched red from the crying. He��s got some puffiness in the eyes too. It’s a bad look for him. Charlie knows Mom would’ve killed him for crying. She would’ve been pissed with the both of them. She wouldn’t have understood all the fuss because she knew this was a possibility. The chemo wasn’t long term. Neither was her life from the looks of it. She tried preparing them, especially Charlie, but who knows why. He wasn’t the one cursing the doctor out. He hadn’t even left her side when Lucas stepped out with the guy. “Charlie, grab something to eat already. It’s five,” Lucas tells him, taking up the chair on the other side of the bed. Charlie looks at his phone. Shit, he hasn’t moved in like ten hours.

To prove he’s fine he nods his head, standing on lead-filled legs. Fuck, sitting that long was a bad decision. He doesn’t look back when he leaves the room, not even when he remembers he never brought his wallet with him. Charlie steps into the elevator, goes down to the lobby and passes the regular security guards. By memory he’s walking down a small path to the outside dining pavilion, avoiding the interns and nurses rushing to get dinner. He bumps a guy leaving, but he’s not in scrubs or anything. He’s got a plain shirt on, jeans, and a jacket to keep out the hospital’s chill.

Maybe it’s good timing because Charlie thinks he’s cute and the way the guy looks back he’s probably thinking the same. “Hope you’re not in a rush,” Charlie’s laying it thick, getting close, giving a half-smile. The guy blushes and smiles back. “Not anymore.” It’s a little game after that. Charlie gives and gives and this guy takes it all. He thinks his name is Jackson, something kind of jockey. Charlie tells him that. Jackson laughs before confirming he’s on a team. He’s not a quarterback, but he’s got the ass of one.

They fuck in Jackson’s car. Charlie is still kissing Jackson when his phone rings. He ignores it, tongue in this guy’s mouth. When it rings a second time Jackson is pulling back, panting. “Check it already,” he says. Charlie sits on the phone, muffling the ringtone. Jackson looks at him questioningly. “Kinda feels good,” Charlie lies, grinning as he pulls the guy forward, meeting his mouth again. Jackson sighs into the kiss, hand on the front of Charlie’s jeans. He rubs and it's not surprising when they go for a second round of random sex.

By eight o’clock, Charlie returns back to the room. He’s no fuller than before. Although, he feels it’s safe to say the sex was better than any meal he could’ve had here. Lucas is pacing the floor. “Fuck, where the hell were you?” Lucas is stern, all father mode. Charlie shrugs, dropping to his seat. “I was eating like you said.”

“Don’t lie to me. I went downstairs to look for you.”

“So after I ate I met this guy—”

“God, even here you find someone to screw?”

“Even here.”

Lucas approaches Charlie, takes a spot on the bed to look at him. Charlie looks back at him. No one gives. “You know, I gotta ask for her.” Charlie doesn’t reply. “On a scale of one to Frank Ocean, how fuckable was he?”

Charlie doesn’t hesitate. “Oscar Isaac.”

Lucas turns to look at his wife, taking her hand. “Damn, he was hot, Beth.”

Beth’s hand twitches. They don’t pretend it means anything more. Charlie heard the nurses say it’s natural, but she’s not responding to them. It’s her coming off the heavy medication just before they come back to give her another dose. Although, it’s apparently soothing to talk to her. He doesn’t get who is supposed to be soothed. Lucas doesn’t either, but he humors them. Beth would’ve wanted them to humor the nurses. It wouldn’t look good to ignore the dying woman anyway.

It’s a couple days later when she passes away. Lucas preferred Charlie stay out the room. He didn’t want him seeing her that way, but Charlie never saw the point. She was dead a long time ago. He doesn’t even see her in the casket because his mom complained about not wanting people to stare at her. Lucas respects all of her wishes despite having argued about them when she was alive. It’s kind of funny how death changes a person. Charlie’s never seen his dad so serious.

“Charlie, do you want this?” Lucas asks his son a few months later. He’s holding a pair of his wife’s earrings, giving his son the most serious look.

Before Charlie answers, he laughs. He bursts because why the fuck would he want her earrings? And then, he’s crying, hard and fast, barely able to breathe because he sort of does want them. Not to wear, but to be reminded that she existed. Lucas doesn’t ask after that day.

Once the clothes are donated, the pictures put down, and the house redesigned, things start to feel normal. Lucas doesn’t avoid her coffee cup or the picture of the three of them from last year. He gives it a look, jokes with Charlie not to get a girl pregnant, and leaves for work. Even Charlie plays his part, saying he’ll keep no promises, and winks deviously.

They make it most days. Lucas tells his son he loves him more often. Charlie blames it on old man hormones, hugging his dad back. They both don’t mention how it takes several minutes for them to pull away. The moment’s usually broken after Charlie tells him how grossed out his mom would be with their sentimental hugging. Lucas chuckles, agreeing.

“She would’ve had our heads,” Lucas shakes his head.

“Ugh, why did she hate affection?” Charlie complains, picking at his toast.

“She said it was for the weak,” Lucas smirks over his cup. “We made her weak enough without adding the love.”

“Damn right. I’m the best looking kid.”

“Yeah, just not the brightest,” His father throws back, rolling his eyes.

Charlie scoffs. “I’m telling her to send you some paranormal activity shit tonight. Move a cup or something.”

“Ask her if she can blow me. I’ve always wanted to be like Ghost with Patrick Swayze.”

Charlie pushes himself away from the table, hands up in defeat as he walks away. Lucas’ laughter can be heard from the living room.

He thinks they’ll be okay.

Charlie is kissing this guy, Travis(??), when he remembers it’s the anniversary of his mother’s death. He wonders if that’s why his dad called like a thousand times. Oh, he’s fucked, and it’s not in the way he’d like to be. He pulls away, putting his hand on Travis’ shoulder when he tries continuing their make out.

“I forgot I had plans,” Charlie sighs, his hand traveling up Travis’ neck and to his hair. He tugs lightly, smiling when Travis moans. “Rain check?”

“Sure, call me.” Travis easily agrees, kissing too softly.

Charlie pretends to enjoy it. Travis is nice. He doesn’t want to hurt him. When he leaves he checks his messages.

Fuck. They are from his dad.

Dad 4:04PM

Charlie, meet me at the house. I forgot the flowers in the fridge.

Dad 4:49PM

Where are you?? I’m home.

Dad 5:12PM

Don’t do this today, Lee. I need you.

Dad 5:56PM

I’ll be home later. It’s okay, I understand. I love you

Charlie reaches the cemetery almost two hours later. He’s still in the clothes he wore at school, even a bit flushed from his ministrations with Travis, but he’s here. It takes a few minutes to see them. He doesn’t visit her as often as Lucas does. They don’t argue about it though.

Lucas doesn’t turn right away. Perhaps he hasn't heard Charlie yet. He’s speaking, but it’s low. Too low for it to be meant for Charlie to hear. It makes Charlie’s stomach ache which is strange because he ate.

“I never thought much when a year ended,” Lucas says, wiping the corners of his eyes. “But when we had you I couldn’t stop thinking about the years that flew by. You were fucking small, Lee. Your mom thought you were a little weird looking, but I was fucking gone.”

“And you were so restless. We took so many late car rides just trying to keep you quiet. I think you traumatized us. We didn’t want any more kids. You were it for us.” Charlie huffs at that, a smile touching his face.

“You made us grow up. Beth and I had never taken anything so seriously. We didn’t know what we were doing. Beth always said we should’ve waited a while longer to have you, but I know she loved you more than me.” Lucas turns to hide the tears in his eyes, but his voice cracks. Hearing his father so emotional makes it hard for Charlie to breathe. His chest is tight. “The cancer wasn’t what hurt her the most, Charlie. It was having to let you go. She made me promise so much shit. Even told me all the secrets you guys kept from me.” He gives a watery chuckle. “I know about your visits to the strip club.”

Charlie can’t join in on the laughter. “She’s such a snitch.”

“She thought you’d— she worried you’d miss her,” Lucas finally faces his son. He doesn’t look so teary eyed anymore.

“It’d be kinda fucked up if I didn’t.”

“Yeah, but it’d be more fucked up to pretend you’d forgotten what today is.”

Charlie nods. “You got me there.”

“Lee, talk to me. I’ll never take her place, but I’m here too. I love you so much. You think I don’t know? I hear you sometimes. It’s not good for you to pretend.”

“I’m not pretending.”

“Why can’t you talk about it then?”

Charlie thinks of his reason and shrugs. Lucas couldn’t understand.

His dad looks pained. “It’s okay. I just don’t want to find you in a bad situation. I’m here for you. Completely.”

“I know,” Charlie’s voice is weak.

They briefly hug before parting from Beth’s grave. Charlie thinks someday he’ll be able to talk about it. Someday he’ll take up his dad’s offer and cry on his shoulder, sob about the quirks of his absent mother. Maybe he’ll even ask what Mom made him promise because if it’s about still going to the strip club there’s no way he’s going with his dad.

Maybe he’ll even visit her more. Or at least decide on the arrangement to bring. Lucas doesn’t have the best taste in flowers. Most of the time, his mother’s lack of a green thumb had killed the lively plants within a week so she never really complained, but Charlie did. He teased her for her horrid plant care as well. He misses the way she told him off after he did. He simply misses her. Days like this it’s hard to find a reason not to miss her or think that just another day, year, decade, fucking century, with her would’ve been enough. It feels impossible to explain it, the feeling that comes when he has these thoughts. Grief creeps onto him in the oddest of moments. He had once found himself sobbing in a bowl of oatmeal one morning after he remembered she had bought the box a week before dying. However, with grief of this intensity, there were the rare moments where absolute numbness came. He couldn’t think of her, couldn’t remember the sound of her voice, the times they talked. Everything in his life was going so smoothly he wondered if she’d ever been real. Those moments felt the most dangerous.

Sometimes, he wishes he never had to go through stages of grief or wait for it to come ashore, to be felt. Charlie no longer wanted to cry or blame himself, even his father, for his mother’s death. He didn’t want to look at a bowl of oatmeal and weep because she had somehow come to mind. It was ridiculous. Not even the grief counselor could convince him otherwise. Sometimes, he wants the loss to mean less. Charlie wants to feel detachment. It would’ve been better if it meant less. If he lost all the feelings of grief.

It’s a lost cause.