jnblog

[jnblog]

manifest journal before 2022

- Get 4.0

- Maintain a really good work-life balance

- Reach my weight loss goal

- Saved quite a bit of money for school loans all by myself

- Feel happy and ultimately blessed.

[jnblog]

i’m good

these past few days have been good for me. for once I don’t feel like there was anything tying me down. work doesn’t seem so bleak, school doesn’t seem so exhausting and sleep has never been better. i don’t know what it is, but I am continuing to keep doing what I am doing because for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel like eating infront of my parents was a chore. infact, it was such a pleasant time with them. i feel good mentally and i feel like i’m healing. i think about the past occassionally but it doesn’t affect me like before. I used to take one blow and spend the rest of the day miserable but this time, it felt like I was able to take multiple punches and still stand up after. i might be jinxing this but i don’t care because i wanna mark this post as one of the most pleasant time in my life. i havent had that for a long time so this, this was important. 8 October. 

[jnblog]

i wna know

It scares the shit out of me. Whenever I think about what the end goal should be, it scares me. I always had a plan. I wanted a family. I wanted love. I wanted to have kids and show them the kind of pure and raw love that I never get from my parents. I want to live in a house with beautiful sceneries, possibly having my window looked over the ocean. I know the steps to get there. I know the formula to that happy life and the minute I start to work on it, I stop. That’s when I start to wonder. 

How is it fair that I have to fight for my own happiness. For my own dreams. For the life I want to have that will not harm anyone but instead, inspire or nuture them. I was placed in a position to have shitty and emotionally unavailable parents. A position where I was able to see the kind of life my friends have that I wanted. I always had a taste of their luxury every now and then and until that’s over, I am miserable half the time. Why so? 

Was I picked out the last in a lottery full of luck? Was I a prize pig that people bet on just to see if I could go through with this? Everyday, I wake up and I think to myself - Why am I here? You know what’s the worst part of it all? This feeling I have every single day, has became my solace, my comfort. Heck, when I start feeling like maybe I could get over this hump, I miss that feeling and now I am right back to where I started. 

Right now I could’ve been writing a 1000 words essay for school but instead I’m writing this. It is so much easier to type out how shitty I feel than to explain why corporate shareholders should care about their own title. 

I lost the love that I thought I could have. I lost my dream about going to a different country to study. I lost the charm I had before. And even then, that charm had to be earned by the validation of men who would not give me the time of the day. What the fuck am I good for? 

[jnblog]

d33h4hs

i have so much to say to you. so many little things, so may big things. but you���re never there. I thought that once I got you, I would have gotten ahold of you even more. it’s sad cos during the times where i dont have you, you’re always there. why don’t you care? why are you not interested anymore? is it because you found out that i’m not really your muse? not your type? i can never put a finger on it. 

it’s sad cos i know the minute i leave, i would want to come back. but come back for what? there’s nothing here. only emptiness and grudges. 

what am i fighting for? what am i holding on to? what am i trying at? give me a sign. there’s so much emotions for you but i can’t explain it in words. but all I know that it hurts alot. and i need you to be the one to let me go. 

[jnblog]

death

i always thought that death would be a scary thing. most of the times, i was manipulated with the fact that we’re all going to hell. but other times, i just look at it as a way to end my suffering. 

i’m not happy. i feel like death everyday. not all the time, but even for a split second, I would feel it. and it’s sad because no one will ever understand what I mean. i‘m just living through days like as if it’s a fucking movie. it’s fake and disgusting. i want nothing of the sort. 

i want death. cos i believe that maybe, i’ll finally stop feeling pain. i’ll stop feeling misery. i’ll finally stop feeling like as if the whole world is against me.

[jnblog]

for you, L

this gif truly depicts us. we were never an us but you still made me feel things where i wish i wouldn’t. well, this is for you, L. 

seeing you a long time ago with your plaited jeans and turtleneck maroon top, I thought, he looks funny. seeing you break the dance floor with no care about what anyone thinks, I thought, he’s cute.

 i remember the first words I mumbled, “I haven’t seen you in school before”. 

You break into that contagious smile, laughs and said “ That’s what everyone said”. 

I thought to myself, we have been studying in a building with 6 floors and I meant to just not see him by chance for the past one year? Why now? It was too late when I realised that I had fallen for that big brown eyes. It was unfortunate that school got in our way because i had not seen you for the next couple of months after that but i had never stop thinking about you. not in that obsessive way but just a simple “how he is doing, i wonder”. 

months went by and we finally met. it was a bonus that my friend happened to be mutuals with you. i loved every single moment we met, including the bad ones. including the sad ones. including the horrible ones. i remember role-playing as a couple and boy did we look like a good one. i remember calling you to stop all this nonsense as it is practically making my heart fuzzy. 

did you want to know something? 

i called you so that in return you may have noticed how i was already into you, and yet you apologise for making those flirtatious moves on me as you have no such intention. my heart broke a little for that one but it’s okay. then we proceeded to talk and your tone was different from the time and i thought maybe things might have changed into a different flow. 

fast forward, i confessed but you told me that we were better off as friends. 

if you’re ever seeing this, which i hope not, i have never tried my hardest to hold back. i have stopped myself from texting you a thousand times. i have stopped myself from calling you for a thousand times. the way you feel about that girl is exactly the way i feel about you. when i found you, i instantaneously feel the need to love you and protect you from everything because i knew that you would do the same for me too. when our eyes met, it was different. at least to me. you are the first guy that made me feel like all our judgements and instincts have been wrong all these while. because everything that i thought was there, it wasn’t, and it wasn’t enough. 

my friends gave me a question that didn’t take me twice to think about. 

“if i were drunk off my ass and i was placed ina  circle of people i’ve ever liked/loved the most, who would i run to?”. 

I know your answer may not have been the same with me but I’m sure you know what’s mine. I’ve not moved on. to be completely honest. my heart still jumped whenever i bumped into you around. i still talk about you. but after today, i will do everything in my power to give this up. thank you for showing me how it feels like to WANT to protect someone and love someone from afar and definitely for no love in return. 

[jnblog]

purpose

there’s always a purpose for everything 

morning walks serves a purpose of calmness in our minds 

coffee for the caffiene and aroma that makes you want to get up in the morning

school to get a degree that will not even matter when you’re 50 

friends to be there for you till thick and thin 

and love, the kind that makes you want to live in this world a little longer. 

you see, i want to live with no purpose 

i want to walk or run or ski without feeling like i need to because i feel the need to lose a few more pounds

i want to drink my coffee without using it as a reason to live in this bleak world

i want to study for the passion and not for the monthly check that will eventually be given to my loved ones at least till i am 50 

i want my friends to have their own lives without my mental illness in their inconveniences 

i want my own life. 

[jnblog]

the perfect little house

you yearn for a parental figure to set you straight, but what did you get? A mom who sneaks out like a little teenager finding her first boyfriend in the dark. A dad who chose the wrong path between education and his friends, resulting in a mere elementary school certificate that could never reach a five figure income. Did I ask for this?  

you wished for more attention and love, but what did you get? A title for being the middle child, those faces expressing pitifulness the moment they heard the phrase, sitting back and observing the youngest and the oldest getting the kind of things that money cannot buy. Did I ask for it? 

You wished for the perfect little house, but what did you get? Parents who were never really there, siblings who feels like acquaintances and a horrible demon living under the same roof as you. Did I ask for it? 

Come to think of it, this IS the perfect little house. Who am I to say what’s perfect and what’s not. Who am I to justify the very definition of perfect. This could have been someone’s version of perfect. 

Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you wish for this? Didn’t you?