johnconstantinesdick

[johnconstantinesdick]

this isn’t how it happens

[johnconstantinesdick]

[ID: “#tlt #hey i just saw them talking about this post on twitter” end ID]

tlt tumblr: here’s a 52-page treatise on how john’s vision of his empire references the first and second crusades, cross-analyzed with the modern trend of liberal apathy and a layered examination of the complexities of a man from a colonized people becoming a colonizer. almost didn’t post it here because it feels too obvious haha

tlt reddit: can someone remind me who ‘cam’ is?

tlt twitter: guyssss i don’t know if i can finish these books 😭😭 i wanted nice lesbians in space but this relationship is lowkey toxic???

person in real life: hey man how’s it going

[johnconstantinesdick]

the wedding

[johnconstantinesdick]

Campal isn't problematic because they're second cousins or Necro-Cav. It's problematic because Camilla is three months older

[johnconstantinesdick]

knight who is constantly searching for a good and noble king to serve but cannot fucking find one for the life of him so he has to become the good and noble king himself.

and now all these other knights are coming around like "please let me serve you" and like obviously hes going to let them serve him thats the point of being a good and noble king but its also. very annoying. one of you become the good and noble king for once lets trade

[johnconstantinesdick]

Over The Waves by Setsuko Matsushima

art quilt

[johnconstantinesdick]

"Today. Tomorrow." a Superman fan comic about Clark Kent, Lois Lane and relationships.

We wanted to tackle one of the trickiest parts of Superman mythos; and that's the entangled romance between Clark Kent, Lana Lang, Lois Lane and Superman. Often times these more mundane parts of Superman get pushed to the side, when they can give so much insight into the characters and what they're seeking from each other.

[johnconstantinesdick]

[johnconstantinesdick]

when I was a little kid at some point I got upset with my parents because I didn't have a crucifix in my bedroom and they did- I was like why do YOU get to be safe from vampires??? you're okay with me getting my blood sucked???? so we took a little trip to the catholic store but the one closest to us was run by a group of nuns that had been moved here from romania. I got a little baby pink cross and this sweet old nun was like 'aww, is this a baptism gift?' and I was like no. I need to be protected from vampires. and she immediately got SO serious and was like 'this is the best one we've got, you'll definitely be safe' and since she was literally from vampire land I was convinced she was like, van helsing. like the whole time my parents had been laughing about how cute my fear was but she literally Knew dracula and was taking my concerns seriously I held this over my parents for so long lmfao

[johnconstantinesdick]

May experiment with a larger timeskip for ch 12 than planned bc I need to see if the writing struggle has been because I’m having trouble writing for Improbable Fiction At All or if I’m just not liking what I’ve got for 12 so far

[johnconstantinesdick]

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

[johnconstantinesdick]

Gemma Scout, on the phone with her bank: Yes I’m just trying to reopen my account. ‘Marked as deceased’ yes I know, but I’m not dead. Yes I know my husband sent you my death certificate. My death was faked in a really elaborate scheme so—no, not by me. Look just turn on CNN. I’m all over the news. It’ll—'can I come in with my husband?' No, I can’t. He’s dead now. Well maybe not dead. But he’s probably never coming back alive. They can’t get his innie in the elevator. Yes they tried that. But he sticks his arms and legs out real wide like a cat so they can’t get him in the elevator.”

[johnconstantinesdick]

[ID in Alt]

Improbable Fiction relationship chart for fun (obv some things change through the fic, and some were omitted bc I couldn’t think of anything snappy or funny. And to describe Tarvek & Anevka’s relationship is really just to rewrite the entire fic lol).

Text transcribed below

Tarvek>Gil: EX

Tarvek>Seffie: Favorite Cousin

Tarvek>Agatha: light in the darkness

Tarvek>Violetta: would die & kill for her

Gil>Tarvek: [10 yrs post-break-up] “what are we?”

Gil>Anevka: Ally/Damsel-In-Distress

Gil>Seffie: GUILT

Gil>Colette: best friend

Gil>Zeetha: (unknowing) cain instinct

Gil>Agatha: coolest girl he’s ever met

Gil>Violetta: desperately craving approval

Anevka>Gil: replacement brother

Anevka>Seffie: Favorite Cousin

Anevka>Violetta: burning jealousy

Seffie>Tarvek: silly little guy <3

Seffie>Gil: terrible taste in men

Seffie>Anevka: What the fuck, Anevka

Seffie>Colette: repressed gay yearning

Colette>Gil: companion in queer yearning

Colette>Seffie: unrequited love </3

Zeetha>Gil: (unknowing) cain instinct

Zeetha>Agatha: zumil!!! <3

Zeetha>Violetta: drinking buddy!

Agatha>Tarvek: “am I bisexual??”

Agatha>Gil: domesticating him like a dog

Agatha>Zeetha: favorite person in the entire world

Agatha>Violetta: intimidated by her

Violetta>Tarvek: would die & kill for him

Violetta>Gil: can & will kill him

Violetta>Anevka: jealousy (&fear)

Violetta>Zeetha: vibing

Violetta>Agatha: enjoys having a spark wary of her

[johnconstantinesdick]

[ID in alt]

chat how do you reassure your bisexual ex bestie that you’re not homophobic in the most normal way possible

[johnconstantinesdick]

its five o'clock somewhere

[johnconstantinesdick]

broooo did you seriously disturb my eternal rest & bring me back to this mortal coil just because my ancient enemy the eternal night has returned? after i sealed it away and everything? which one of you tampered with my binding runes 🙄