jollyoldturtle

[jollyoldturtle]

I feel like I'm just gonna start saying so much offensive shit to make me feel like I'm a bad person, I'm this close to spewing out racial slurs against people just to isolate myself from everyone but mainly to make me feel like whatever good person people have made me into believing I am is a lie and I'm a piece of shit trash being who gets to be alive because he's not good enough person to kill himself because of shit

[jollyoldturtle]

I'll fucking do it, I'll fucking kill myself, nothing can fucking stop me, I'll do it, I just I can't fucking do it anymore, I can't feel anything anymore, it's just constant fucking heavyness, I don't feel any fucking emotion I'm supposed to be feeling, every single fucking good thing is so fucking suppressed I barely feel it, I'll fuckimg kill myself and end it all, I can't I'll fucking do it just why God fucking uvu_□{\○8▪︎■{《Va

[jollyoldturtle]

I'll never be satisfied in life. I know that. But the fact that I can't even feel fine after accepting that feels so unfair. For once in my life, I am in a position where I have a reason to life and a reason to be happy. But I can't feel it, I can't feel any love in me and the happiness is so suppressed.

I'm pushing it away. I'm pushing away the reasons I have to be happy and alive because when I didn't have them, I feel okay atleast. But now i have them, I feel even worse. I feel like if I didn't have them, I'd maybe feel better. But I don't want to lose them. I don't want to make them be subjected to my unfairness because of how I feel. They have their own reasons to be happy and alive which is somehow me and now I feel like pushing them away? Just why is it like this, why am I like this

[jollyoldturtle]

The only time I've hugged my mother since I was a child was when my mom had a breakdown about having cancer and how she's sad that she'll never get to see me grow up to be 25.

It breaks me from the inside. But I can't even go and hug her still. She's surviving the cancer. But i don't even know what type of cancer it is or how bad it is. I'm too scared to even know that. I'm too scared to do anything. I can't even show affection to her or my dad correctly. It all feels fake, it feels like I don't deserve to show them affection. They aren't the best at parenting, they never were but they love me so much. So so fucking much and it fucking hurts even more knowing that I don't deserve them and if I wasn't there maybe they'd have a better life.

I can't face them. I can't look at their face for more than a couple seconds before turning away because I feel ashamed, not deserving of looking at them. The worst part is that they don't even know how I feel about them, they probably even think I dislike them because of how i act. They don't know or will never know how much i love them because I feel too undeserving to feel like this to them.

I don't want to get help, I can't get help. I'll stay like this till I die.

A part of me wishes they were the parents of someone in this world who needed parents like this, who love you too much for their own good. Someone who deserves such parents but couldn't get.

[jollyoldturtle]

TW/ depression, self harm

Man why does this fucking heavyness never stop, fucking hell. i can't even feel any feelings which were positive correctly anymore. I can't enjoy being I love, I can't enjoy being calm, I can't enjoy any shit. I used to cut or did cut multiple times at one point because I discovered that doing so somehow calmed me down and even managed to elevate the heavyness but even that doesn't work anymore. Man moment.

Don't comment or reply btw, granted you can if you want. It's just this is just me venting, I'll not see comments or replies

[jollyoldturtle]

I want to commit death