jordansadare - Tumblr blog

[jordansadare]

I’ve been in Courage House for around 11+ months now so I can “graduate” the program.. well I completed the months for my lawyer.

Was I always perfect throughout this stay? No, let’s be honest. Did I get caught though? Also no. And at the time the latter was much more important to me.

Forced sobriety doesn’t always work.

So I was working at a treatment center helping other addicts and alcoholics get sober, but not sold on the idea itself. I mean, of course, I wanted this for you with my whole heart. Me though? Eh, It just wasn’t my time. I was working in treatment living in halfway going to 5 meetings a week reworking my steps chairing a meeting- I mean the whole shebang the whole ass Florida shove it down your throat experience man. Bored. Hated it. Life I mean, my job I liked it was meaningful and that I loved. But it didn’t matter because I wasn’t right with myself. So I did what any non self respecting junkie with a smear of “I probably shouldn’t fuck up my court stuff but let’s push it” would do.. I stayed abusing sleeping pills- my own, random room mates in halfway I knew stopped talking them, and sadly clients from work. Then a girl came into treatment and I did search so I confiscated her kratom and then took it to my halfway and did it myself. (Which did absolutely nothing) In disappointment I wanted to get high on what there really was out there.

I got in touch with ol dude from the last time I went out in Florida and he was doing the same thing like we junkies tend to do. I went over to get high not like unplanned or anything. I made sure it was on a Monday the day after drug tests in halfway I don’t get randoms because I was so far along and a star pupil. (Same thing drug court thought). Anyway I shoot up and chill for a little till the zoom meeting for on of my home groups (different fellowships for all you nazi aa folk). I do the meeting and go to halfway where they are training a new manager. They get her to do randoms and have me do one. I pee in my little cup and pass. Karlyn the house owner says she thinks I’m high and asks if I’ve done anything and at this point I’m like fuck it let’s do this. I tell her fentanyl. Her and my house BFF start crying and wanting to take my to a detox so I can come back.. yeah no I tell them, “ I’m going to go get high”

I pack a little bag and dip. I drive over to ol dudes house and smoke fent which is never done and knock myself out and bust a table with my head. He gets up to check if I’m okay as I come too laughing my ass off. I do meth I do more fent. I do this for around 4 days when all of the sudden the police have me naked in a hallway I’m beaten the fuck up and I could have sworn I was at camp when I was on the bathroom floor locking out police because I thought they were the camp counselors looking for me in the woods… So here I am naked in the hallway yelling at them asking what’s going on and for a blanket which they give to me. The police say that a neighbor called saying she heard a woman screaming.. so I guess that was me? They force me to go to the hospital and try to get me to press charges which I refuse to do. They knock me out because my body won’t stop moving because I’m freaking out and ya know have shot up a lot of meth. I wake up later and they’ve contacted my old halfway and my mom. I AMA immediately and walk back to where I just got beaten up. I get high for another day and then text a buddy from treatment and say I need to go to rehab. He finds somewhere and I’m not going into rehab sober so I did more fent and more meth and then drank a vile of ghb. Oh and then got in my car and drove to meet this dude for treatment. But I was so messed up I thought the blinking turn signal was pressuring me to turn and he told me to pull over. He picked me up and took me to FCFR. Oh FCFR. Which by the way is mostly a mental institution and after that week- I belong.

[jordansadare]

I'm thinking of you subliminally

How you stimulate me mentally

Babe I'm here to learn your history

Take away every misery

Hope you vibe with poetic delivery

Crave to be close to you irresistibly

Like alcoholics in a distillery

Know you're feeling the same electricity

Want to love you consistently

Hugging kissing touching slope slippery

Meeting you, my greatest victory

But I'll leave it at that simplicity

[jordansadare]

Speaking on familiarness how long has it been since I felt an energy like this how waves are drawn to the peaceful shore mixing together their private chemicals, emotions, and more illuminated by the moon or the sun no need for logic and time when you’re destined to be one though i’m away from you at times you come to me in dreams always speaking with rhythm and poetry my soul finds you be any means distance doesn’t seem to make a difference i don’t believe meeting you is coincidence my feelings for you so strong twisted up my chest hurts over you hoping this isn’t wrong intrigued by your spirit, your consciousness, your soul swimming from connectedness to uncertainty  you intimidate me with your flow in the now i may be quiet  seeing where this will go advancing in moves and melody thinking that i already know 

[jordansadare]

Boyfriend

I met this boy once and everyone loved him he gave me such warmth I put nothing above him. He was the blood in my veins He made me feel free No matter how much he truly stifled I never went to sleep without my boy i tucked him in tightly fluffed up his pillow  always next to me nightly gave him water in a spoon no matter how long he’s around he was always gone too soon I wanted him so close, so often They gave me a year before Im in a coffin I started to get sick without him my future began to look grim the amount of people you took from me went from “dad and Alex” to “all of them” i lost myself living in constant crisis we went through alot but its time to divide this we’ve hurt enough people  we’ve done enough harm grateful beyond measure- to be rid of your charm i won’t relapse giving up my subscription Funny how your bad romance was really drug addiction

[jordansadare]

Truth

The only person I ever lost and needed back was myself 🙏🏼💓 — view on Instagram https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/v/t51.2885-15/sh0.08/e35/s640x640/82287812_517238412256252_7845558444078330714_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent.cdninstagram.com&_nc_ohc=0vjIEtdk3KMAX-Y8UcO&oh=71d5e33dc7d7bf02a4ee60e0b0782787&oe=5ECDC5CC

[jordansadare]

Fact:

Bipolar disorder is like life’s plot twist

[jordansadare]

[jordansadare]

I think a lot, but I don’t say much.

(via love-diaries)

[jordansadare]

Glynn Countys Finest

SO it’s bar closing time and I’m drunk not too drunk to drive a vehicle by own personal standards I’ve done enough coke to sober me up. There are two police officers walking by us while my friends argue on whether or not I’m too drunk to drive. I ask the officers for their breathalyzer which they decline and offer to drive us home. We take this offer up like come on free ride in a cop car not going to jail I’m all for. Haley Chels and I get in the back of the car and head to my house where my brother is throwing an underage party. The cop stops in front of the house and my friends get out.The officer stops me and says he’ll bust my friends and my brothers party if I don’t hook up with him. So I make out with the mother fucker and let him feel me up for freedom. Thanks Glynn County for your outstanding officers.  

[jordansadare]

The only thing I’m committed to right now is bettering myself.

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

[jordansadare]

“We have all been through a lot of shit in our lives; the difference is some of us choose not to play the victim.”

—

[jordansadare]

Fact

You can't hate on someone for picking their nose and eating it when you just got done shooting up with toilet water.

[jordansadare]

Fact

If you say that you live in halfway and a porn website isnt going to pop up on your top viewed websites on your phone. Youre lying.

[jordansadare]

“Life advice: Always be the best person you can be. Be kind even when you’re tired. Be understanding even when you’re angry. Do more than you’re asked, and don’t ask for anything in return. Don’t silently expect anything either. Listen when someone talks, and really listen too, stop just thinking of how you’ll reply. Tell people that you love them and that you appreciate them. Go out of your way to do things for people. Be the greatest person you can possibly be and when you mess up, make up for it in the next moment or minute or day. One thing you should never do? Never spend your time trying to prove to anybody that you’re great, your actions will speak for themselves and we only have limited time on this earth, don’t waste it. If someone doesn’t see your light, don’t worry. Like moths, good people are attracted to flame and to light, and they will come.”

—

[jordansadare]

“Start over my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want, and courageous enough to chase it.”

—

[jordansadare]

Dear Younger Me,

I look at pictures of me from 12 years ago and tears well up in my eyes. I know what’s about to happen to you. I see your small frame and the weight it is about to carry. I see your soft skin before I’ve covered it in scars. I know you’re going to keep that smile on your face but cringe when you’re alone because you can’t stop seeing what I see. I know that Holden like innocence is going to fade away before you even know it. I know life is about to rain on you so long you don’t think it’ll ever let up. And I am so sorry. I am so sorry I can’t just stop it. It’s painful I can see all you hope. All the joy you want to carry around. All the friends you won’t let yourself meet because you’ve lost yourself. I know you’re going to let those boys hit you because you think that’s love. I know you’ll continue to feed them and work to pay for everything covered in bruises. I know you’re going to be so lost for 3 years you’re not going to stop drinking. And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what those “men” are going to do to you. I’m sorry youre going to meet some people who don't know right from wrong. I’m sorry youre going to get caught up in a life style you don’t have any business being in.

You have so much potential little one. You are not your dad’s child. You aren’t the reason they died, I promise. You are more than the cuts on your arm you can’t get rid of. You are not those mistakes. You don’t have to carry around all that weight. You didn’t deserve to be abused. You don’t have to put up with people who use you. You CAN NOT save everyone. You’re doing the best you can with what you know. A glass can only spill what it contains. 

Stay Gold.

[jordansadare]

2009: Ganja Babe

After being released, well AMA’d, from the Statesboro psych ward/ rehab everyone would tip toe around me. Like I was about to break at any second. PSA: Do not make a person released from a mental institute feel crazy it only fuels the fire. I got into the mind set of, “Okay, you want crazy mother fuckers I got you.” Little did I know how crazy my life was going to get in the years to follow.

I felt like I owed my mom a lot from the situation from 2007. So when I got a call from my high school sweetheart asking me if I wanted a job I thought perfect. Naïve as hell. Not everyone has a good nature about them, if you don’t already know that it is seriously something you need to pound into your head before someone pounds you with these facts.

I meet up with this man and he asks to see my driver’s license. Which I think is legit like, “Oh, he wants to make sure I have a valid license.” Bitch youre not applying for a tax paying job you bout to some illegal shit. So then to top off my ignorance of human nature he tells me he needs to borrow 1,000$ of my money to make sure that I am trustworthy because he doesn’t know me. Yeah girl side bar you don't know this man either.

This might come as a surprise but it went drastically down hill from here. He not only kept my money but would call me and threaten me if I didn't get more money. He got my family’s address of my ID and would send me pictures of him pointing guns at my house .. at my mom and my brother. I scrambled to find money I gave him my paycheck even stole my brothers temporarily I’d never been in a situation where I needed money and didn’t have it like this. He told me to sign my title over to him. Which thank God I did not. 

One day he called me and told me to meet him. There was no asking it was you did it or your family dies. So I go to where he tells me and he tells me to get in the car and he drives underneath the bridge. He’s showing me how nice his escalade is with his fancy system that has a tv playing music videos. It’s playing Money Maker by Ludacris. I will never forget it. He puts his hand between my legs and asks me if I’m wet for him. God. no. He tells me to get in the back seat and I do. I hesitate at his next instructions forgetting that these aren’t options. My body doesn't actually belong to me. He pulls out a gun and puts it to my head. Bet I’ll listen now huh? And in case I get any ideas he’s going to film the whole thing and put it online if I think of not doing what I’m told. I can feel his weight on mine and completely give up on fighting I just limply move to the rhythm. He leaves me on the side of the road.

Sometimes your body is not a temple.