josiesjournal

[josiesjournal]

There's just one major thing that I don't think is acknowledged enough about late diagnosed autistics/ADHD (and probably other neurodivergences):

The floor drops away from under you when you're diagnosed as an adult.

You've spent years perfecting coping mechanisms, setting masks perfectly in place, practicing socialising, forcing things that made you uncomfortable or confused (for reasons you couldn't comprehend).

Then you get the diagnosis and... That's it. No one tells you what to do. How to cope, how to survive.

All you know is that you've spent your life hurting yourself. Your mental health is shot, you're most likely depressed, anxious, burntout...

And you never had to do that. It didn't have to be that way.

I'm not saying I wished I was diagnosed as a child. I don't. That would have a whole other bag of problems.

I just wish there was more in place for us. I wish we weren't abandoned by the medical community at 18.

[josiesjournal]

11/23/2022 - 10:06

It’s been a week since we received news of my father in law’s passing, and last night, he showed up in my dream.

Whenever I dream of someone after they’ve passed, I like to take it as a good sign that wherever they’ve gone, they’ve made it there safe.

In my dream, I remember waking up on a weekday morning - apparently Keelan had called in to work/school on my behalf and told them I wouldn’t be there - and Deb was in the kitchen making some sort of food. I was awoken by the sound of Keelan and Pat coming into the house, and they were talking about how my camp chair had flown out of Keelan’s truck box on the highway; somehow this was Pat’s fault, and as I came out of the bedroom, dressed and ready for the day, he told me he would replace it with the heated one that I had been thinking about purchasing during camping season last year.

We chatted some more and I sat down at the kitchen counter bar, where Deb already had a cup of coffee waiting for me (bless her heart), and Pat’s laptop was beside me on the counter, along with a clipboard. On the clipboard, he had started a liquor/beer list, and a list of cocktails; the laptop was being used for researching purposes, since Pat was supposedly going to bartend at our wedding - it was news to me that we were getting married, since Keelan and I aren’t engaged in real life (yet - I keep bugging him about it though!) but I definitely didn’t argue.

I read through the list Pat had created as I sipped my coffee, and Keelan went into the bathroom to have a shower while his parents chatted in the kitchen. I remember realization hitting me, and my dream became clearer with more vivid colors, almost as though this was happening in real life. I finally opened my mouth and said ‘so Pat, what the fuck?’, referencing to his passing and how he had apparently faked his death just to spook us, since he was alive and well in my dream. I remember saying something about ‘happy April Fools in December’ and ‘what kind of Christmas present is that?’ and probably some other smart ass remark (I loved giving Pat a bad time ever since I called him an asshole in front of his family and my own), which sent us all into a laughing fit - even Keelan, over the sound of running water in the shower, had heard my comment and was chuckling too.

But Pat never answered me, just laughed and took the clipboard from me to look through his notes again, and then I woke up to my alarm.

In hindsight, I think that probably was the best outcome to that dream, and when I opened my eyes, I initially felt sad, but slowly came to terms with it as my morning went on, and I walked out the door to go to school feeling happy and satisfied that wherever Pat was, he was at peace.

Thank you for letting me know, Pat. I haven't had the emotional strength to tell Keelan yet, but don't worry - I definitely will. Regardless, I'm sure he has his own way of knowing too.

[josiesjournal]

“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[josiesjournal]

09/01/2022 - 22:33

It’s weird how just one short dream with minimal details can send me into a never ending of spiral of memories from nearly ten years ago, and it feels like I’m trapped in that time period for a moment. The same songs suddenly jerk emotions out of me that I thought I had locked away long, long ago, because they haven’t affected me this way in years. As bad as I’m making it sound, it’s not a terrible place to be - if anything, it’s relaxing to be here, looking back at everything that happened and being able to say ‘I survived that’ and ‘boy, am I ever glad that never happened/am I ever glad this is the path that life took me on instead’.

But there’s another voice in the back of your head that wonders, ‘what would it have been like if it did happen?’

‘Where would I be in life right now?’

‘Would I be happier?’

This just goes to show you that despite not having seen him in almost ten years now- despite the fact that I’ve told myself and everyone else that I’m over him, and have been for a long time- despite the fact that I still kick myself for the way I acted and for being a typical, hormonal teenager- despite all of this, maybe a part of me does miss him, just a little.

I hope I get to see him again and apologize. I don’t even need a response or reaction from him, or to ever see him again after that, but it would give me a peace of mind. It’s made me feel terrible all these years and I need to get it off my chest. I don’t know how to explain it.

My throat closes up at the thought of looking him in the eyes though, and having a face to face conversation with him. What does he even look like now? Still the same? I remember having conversations with him back then and feeling this same way- have trouble breathing, stumbling through my words, talking way too quickly for my own good or for him to really understand me.

Regret is a heavy stone that constantly sits in the bottom of my stomach, and the past is a happy place in my head to get lost in for a bit.

I didn’t even dream about him- I dreamt about his brother.

[josiesjournal]

08/30/2022 - 22:22

It astounds me how much has changed in just a year’s time.

ADHD was a terrifying concept to me. It still is, really, just because everything around it - symptoms, diagnosis, treatment, support, resources - is so uncertain. When I tell you the medications worked, they definitely did - until one day, they just didn’t. My anxiety had decreased substantially, and some of my ADHD traits did subside, but more began presenting themselves as I slowly began to realize that my medications weren’t dosed properly.

And then I lost my family doctor. God only knows this province is going through a shortage of GPs as it is, and now I have be put on a government wait list to be assigned one in my area? There was no one I could talk to about my prescriptions and dosage other than walking into the ER and feeling like I was wasting their time. The urgent primary care clinic was great, when I had a day to waste sitting in the waiting room while others piled in around me looking for advice from a singular doctor, the only one that bothered to show up to work today, and a small handful of nurse practitioners. I discussed my issues with my current meds with an NP after waiting 2 hours to be seen, she adjusted my dosage, and then I went on my merry way.

Now, I don’t have any qualms with NPs - the only issue I had was when my pharmacy suddenly wasn’t able to give me a refill of my meds prior leaving on a trip where I would be running out of meds on the second to last day of my trip. This had never happened to me before, I was normally able to get them in advance with no issues - but apparently with their “market value”, being stimulants and all, there are regulations that prevent me from obtaining the medication that I need to be a normal, functioning human being before my 30 day refill of meds has ended. There were assumptions made by another pharmacist that this was because the prescription was refilled by an NP, but I was so upset and angry as it was that I didn’t dare challenge it any more than I already had, because if I did, there would be words, and lots of them that were not nice. And the poor pharmacist was just doing their job, enforcing rules that had been set out for them and their patients to be safe - not something to be a Karen over by any means.

I just want clarification. On anything, really. I didn’t even get to fully wrap my head around why my dosage was changing and how it was supposed to effect me when I saw the NP, or why these regulations had suddenly come into play at the pharmacy when there had been no prior issues with me picking up my prescription early. This is not the definition of “accessible resources” that I was told about when this all started for me.

[josiesjournal]

02/20/2022 - 14:28

I never realized the lengths I would go to keep my parents happy and stress free until the topic came up that the property they’re renting on may sell with the market being the way that it is, and I looked at the opportunity of buying it so that they don’t have to worry about moving again.

They live in a mobile home on a parcel of land, which may have been subdivided at some point, since there is also another property on the parcel with a different address, or the landlord decided to buy both properties at some point - WHATEVER. Regardless, the landlord has a barn, some animals, etc. because they own the bigger property, whereas my parents’ property only has the mobile home and a couple outbuildings. My mom was explaining that both parcels are part of the Agricultural Land Reserve, which means they can only be used for specific farm usage outlined by the provincial government. I took the time to dig up a map that showed the properties in the province that are protected by the ALR, and lo and behold - even though the bigger property is used for farm usage, the property that my parents live on is actually the one under ALR regulation.

Long story short, I did a whole heck of a lot of reading up on it and found out that this info was going to be hella useful not only in my personal life, but maybe even for my work too.

And all because my top priority was making sure my parents stay happy, even in a situation that had only about 10% chance of actually happening.

[josiesjournal]

“Rule one, you have to write. If you don’t write, nothing will happen.”

— Neil Gaiman

[josiesjournal]

“Somehow this memory for some reason just won’t burn down.

Congratulations, you’ll always have a room in my mind.”

[josiesjournal]

08/01/2021 - 1:11

I’m thinking about you again. I find the time ironic.

You’re the only part I miss about graveyard shifts and staying up late. You made it worth it.

Sometimes I still feel the warmth of your smile and your hug every time I picture it.

I still can’t handle or process the emotions that you make me feel. It still doesn’t feel real that I’ll never see you again, and I don’t believe that either. There has to be a way. Somehow I’ll make it happen. I have to.

[josiesjournal]

06/30/2021 - 22:41

I can’t stop thinking about you.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why do I over-invest my emotions into something that doesn’t and never will actually exist in my life?

It blows me away that your sheer existence makes me want to buy a Subaru and travel across the U.S. with a bed setup in the back, all the way down to TEXAS, of all places.

I need my passport soon.

You’ve been embedded into my mind for well over a year now.

Why?

I don’t understand how my emotions are so heavily influenced by someone I’ve only seen through a computer screen.

I always have to pull myself out of this mess, back into a place that is closer to my current reality, and all I have to think of is Revelstoke.

I have to see him again, too.

I won’t be able to live with myself if I never find the person I’ve been searching for since that warm August night in 2016.

It’s nearly been five years since I’ve seen you, talked to you, laughed with you, hugged you.

Every once in a while, you not only haunt my dreams, but you haunt my whole life.

I don’t know how to stop my soul from being a ginormous rollercoaster of torn emotions and regret.

Self-medication doesn’t always work.

But it’s a temporary fix to my long term problems.

[josiesjournal]

04/21/2021 - 06:45

You were in my dreams again last night. You recognized me instantly as if no time had passed at all whatsoever since I last saw you

I can’t remember if we were on a skating rink or at a lake of sorts, but I remember you standing at the end of the dock and saying ‘come here, Josie’.

And then you hugged me. The same way you did 6 years ago. The same hug that sent me into tears so easily just a few nights ago.

And when I left, just towards the end of my dream, I wrote you a letter. Something that I haven’t done for anyone in years. And I sent you that letter, in hopes that you’d write back.

It’s astounding how you can appear out of nowhere when you haven’t been on my mind for days, weeks, months - but the second you do, even if it’s just a flash of a memory, it feels like you’re steering me in the right course while I navigate my way back to trying to find you. I woke up with new motivation to find a job in a different city, looking at houses or apartments to live in.

I can’t just leave this be. I can’t leave you behind in my memories. It’s not how I’m wired. I’m still not quite sure why I’m wired this way instead, but it must be part of who I am.

[josiesjournal]

04/17/2021 - 21:21

A memory of your hug from 6 years ago crossed my mind today and I could do nothing about it but burst into tears.

I will be cherishing that memory until the day comes where I’m able to see you again and steal another one.

[josiesjournal]

03/09/2021 - 19:25

Today I found out that your older brother died. What’s ironic is that he died around the same time that I found out that your mother died too.

I wish I could reach out to you somehow, give you some kind of sympathies for the grief you’ve had to bear lately. I can’t imagine it’s easy. Even when I saw your brother’s obituary, I had to take an extra moment or two, despite the fact that your brother was one of the creeps I had to deal with when I saw you two on a daily basis.

Does this mean you’re the oldest now? How does that make you feel? Does this feeling of due diligence and responsibility suddenly weigh you down? The obituary mentioned that your brother had retired in 2018 after 30 years of working - does this mean you’re retired now too, or are you still the hard worker I always knew? No matter how close we were, or even if we became close again now, I know you’d never answer these questions, just like how I’d never press to actually ask them, but some days, I wish I could be your notebook, almost like a diary, where you can keep you secrets secure and safe with me. Hell, I’d love to be that way with anybody, and if someone offered me the same thing, I’d take that feeling of security and safety and pour my whole heart out.

Everything’s felt so heavy lately. I wonder if you feel the same?

Not sure if you need it, and I don’t know if you can sense it, but I’m sending you love right now.

[josiesjournal]

02/28/2021 - 06:33

I swear to god, you’re like that one movie where if you say that guy’s name too many times he pops up in real life. Same with you, except if I mention or think about you too much, you show up in my dreams the next night.

You and I had an open line of communication that I came into absolutely sideways in my dream. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I was thankful that I did. I got to spend time with you, face to face.

Until I can be in a position where I can see you in real life the same way, I’ll happily hang out with you in my dreams.

I hope you’re doing well.

[josiesjournal]

12/12/2020 - 21:47

I noticed a new stretch mark on my stomach last night and I’ve been obsessing over it ever since. I weighed myself this morning and my heart sank when I saw the number.

210 lbs.

I know that this officially means I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I’m beating myself up for it a lot. Bra and clothing shopping today was difficult and I didn’t leave any store with anything except tears in my eyes and frustration in my heart that was directed towards the rest of my body.

There isn’t a single thing about myself that I’m not insecure about. I hate every inch of my body and would exchange it for a new one if given the chance.

All of my other stretch marks have never mattered to me that much because they’re in normal places that I don’t tend to see very often, but this new one hit much too close to home for me. It started to make me scared for the future. I’ve seen so many people get pregnant and have their baby bellies go back to normal, and I was crossing my fingers, hoping and praying that when the time came, that would be the case for me. This new stretch mark basically solidifies that it will in fact not be the case for me. I’m already insecure about myself as is, I don’t imagine having a saggy belly full of stretch marks postpartum is going to be excellent for my mental health.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now that I can’t keep track of them all, I can’t shut them off, I can’t make them go away, I can’t make them be quiet. I know I need to make the change but I don’t know how or where to even start.

[josiesjournal]

11/27/2020 - 14:05

Seeing posts that I made as a result of my toxic relationship(s) coming up in my Facebook memories and reflecting on all the shit that’s happened in four years.. I can admit that I was part of the problem too, not just the men I was with.

But the difference is, I grew out of it.

They didn’t.

Talking to your significant other is so so so SO important. Stop causing drama with them on purpose just to get attention from them or other people. Your relationship is literally trash if you think fighting with your partner is the only way you can get their attention. If you’re in a relationship and you say that you love someone, fucking act like it, and only say that you love them if you mean it.

[josiesjournal]

11/20/2020 - 23:05

Alright I just also want to add one more thing and then I promise I’ll go to bed.

I’ve been having an abnormal amount of dreams that involve buying a four door Mini instead of a two door and just completely fucking off without telling anyone so if I do that please do not panic, I’ll be fine but I just need a fucking break. I still have the chance to do whatever I want while I’m young, because that’s the only excuse I can really use.

I can make that dream feel realistic while I’m baked, which is maybe why I like edibles so much - I can just escape to my only little world for a while.

So if you catch me being a vegetable in any scenario, might be best to just leave me be.

One more song to add to the playlist btw:

JUMP IN THAT WATER, BE FREE,

COME SOUTH OF THE BORDER WITH ME