journeyofablacktransman

[journeyofablacktransman]

What does masculinity mean to me? This is a question I’ve been grappling with for quite some time. Last night I attended the first of a 4-part series of workshops for those that identify as men exploring toxic masculinity. The question was asked “what does your masculinity mean to you?” and I didn’t know how to answer. As I listened in the room to other other men share their thoughts, it felt good to see even cis men have doubts and struggle to answer that question. I didn’t feel alone in that space but I also did at the same time. That has more to do with my trans* identity.

As I work on acknowledging my male privilege, at the same time I become hyper sensitive to my experiences as a person that is transgender and the lack of privileges that I’ve experienced with that identity. I’m currently grappling with and exploring how I can give voice to the dysphoria, to the fear, to the self hatred that I experience as a trans man while owning the fact that my maleness grants me power, authority and unearned advantages that take up space without permission from the women in my life. On top of the already complicated duality I experience, my role as a parent and as a father to my perceived son adds an additional dynamic to the mix. This create a pot of so many feels that I don’t talk about or am afraid to talk about. It’s easier to hide from these difficult conversations around masculinity and I hide because I don’t want to feel exposed. I’m afraid that people will see the real me. That I will see the real me and I won’t like that person. The person who navigates most of their life with general ease.

Opening up a conversation about my masculinity, my transness and being a father pushes me to grapple with what I’ve internalized about what it means to be a man. And that makes me UNCOMFORTABLE! That makes me want to RUN. But I can’t run any longer because to hide from these feelings and conversations means that I’m not living my truth, my connections with others whether family or friends are not as meaningful, and the messages that I’m sending my son are not grounded in strength. So now I am taking one of many first steps to figure out what does masculinity mean to me. My hope is to write as much as I can about what has been under the rug for quite some time. To be reflective and free to be me in this space. I can’t continue to let fear of the unknown take over.

“Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain.”

- dune, Frank Herbert

[journeyofablacktransman]

3 years since top surgery and I’m still not comfortable with this chest. I am thankful that I had the surgery and I feel way more comfortable in my body and my clothing. But I still hide from it. To take my shirt off is a struggle, how long to i keep it off. How noticeable are the scars. My nipples look different.... how different am I. #dysphoria #blacktransmale

[journeyofablacktransman]

I’m coming back to write. I miss this space. I need this space. I’m afraid of this space. #blacktransman #comingoutofhiding

[journeyofablacktransman]

1 month post op, ftm of color

Surgery was with Dr. Costas in concord, MA. 

[journeyofablacktransman]

2nd post op appt with Dr. Costas

2 weeks, 1 day post op appt # 2 with Dr. Costas in concord, MA: I was instructed to start massaging scars with vitamin e oil twice a day. I have to put bacitracin ointment (I think thats what its called) on my nipple for a few days and then i can put vitamin e on my nipples too. It was bleeding today because he took some stitches out and removed some scabbing from my nipples. The remaining stitches will fall out on their own. I go back to the doc in 6-8 weeks; perks of living close to the surgeon. He wants me to bind or wear the ace bandage for another month because it helps alleviate swelling quicker, I don't have to sleep in it though. I can choose not to wear it but swelling would last longer. They're gonna mail me the letter that will help me get my gender marker changed. He said I was also good to drive and I did today. It wasn't bad at all. Last thing, I will continue to have some slight pain under my arm from the liposuction for around another month.

[journeyofablacktransman]

I'm a transman of color and this is my 2 weeks post op update of my results.

Please excuse the camera angles. 

[journeyofablacktransman]

2 weeks post op.

2 weeks post op tomorrow. Still have to be wrapped up until Thursday if all goes when I go back to the doc. Have a little soreness under my armpits, I think that's where the liposuction was. Nipples are peeling. My wife and I do a test to see if I can feel anything. I feel nothing on my right nipple but a little something something on my left.

[journeyofablacktransman]

My bros @six_fivegucci @shamoyj

[journeyofablacktransman]

Tiny driving #sillydog

[journeyofablacktransman]

Doggy play fights

[journeyofablacktransman]

My pups!

[journeyofablacktransman]

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[journeyofablacktransman]

At dr. Costas office. Have to wear bandage for 10 more days.

New video (careful if you're squeamish, might see the drains coming out): 

[journeyofablacktransman]

3rd day post op - top surgery

3rd day post op was a little tougher than yesterday. I had lower energy today and the boredom was getting to me. A little more pain than yesterday. Last night I had stomach pains but I was able to use the bathroom this morning and I didn't have to worry about that anymore. I am anxiously awaiting tuesday because I know that the drains are becoming bothersome and the tightness of the ace bandage no me gusta. So overall a rough day but manageable. I'm looking forward to me reveal and happy that my wife and brother are here to support my needs. Lastly, the amount of fluids in my drains are lessening which i think is a good thing!

[journeyofablacktransman]

2 day post op, Dr. Costas in Concord, MA

[journeyofablacktransman]

Three amigos