journeytochris-blog

[journeytochris-blog]

I've really been struggling the past month or so and haveIn't been able to unleash everything on my mind so I guess I'm dumping it all here because it needs to come out.

My bottom dysphoria has gotten worse since I had top surgery in 2016 which was a fear of mine but the last month it's been the worst it's ever been. My sister in law came out as trans just over a year ago and she transitioned really quickly and had bottom surgery a couple weeks ago and while I am super happy for her that she was able to take that step, it's stirred up a lot of feelings about that for me. I'm extremely dissatisfied with the growth I've had on T, definitely on the smaller side of the spectrum. I feel it's a big reason why I've made 0 effort to date. I'm primarily attracted to women but the idea of sex with a woman esp a cis woman with my current downstairs set up makes my dsyphoria worse and I am not romantically attracted to guys. I've been struggling with STPs too. At first it was super validating and awesome to be able to stand to pee and use a urinal. My first one was the p style which was pretty foolproof for me even when I really have to go or have been drinking though super irritating to carry such a bulky thing in my pocket. I invested in the ezp a year or so ago and it's been good and bad, it looks amazing but I hate the way it packs and fear anyone brushing up my crotch when I am wearing it since it's not a realistic feel. I still occasionally leak using it too, but after the reviews of other products, I don't think there's much better out there, the 'leak proof lip' is a must and nothing else seems to have that and is sturdy. Regardless of how good an stp is, I still have to either walk around with stray pee in my pants or have to wipe and both make me dysphoric. Not having an stp makes me feel worse so I continue to carry one of them always because I get anxiety without it, I just don't get the validating feeling anymore. I want surgery so bad and have a fear of aging and dying in the current body I have, but at the same time, it's absolutely not financially feasible for me- saving for top surgery out of pocket was hard enough and I have some major non transition expenses coming up eventually that I was putting off during the years I was saving for top surgery that I can't delay long enough to be able to save for bottom surgery. Even if money wasn't an issue I just couldn't emotionally handle such an intense and intimate surgery at this point in my life. Meta sounds like a more manageable option than phallo, but I just don't have the growth I want to get a meta result I'd be satisfied with and I don't think DHT would get me there either. It doesn't help I had to deal with getting a pap less than a week before my sister in law had surgery which made me feel extra shitty about myself.

The other big thing is I'm about to lose the cat I grew up with and am super attached too on a level I've never been with any other pet. I've gone through putting pets down before but losing Beauty is hurting me so much more than others. She came into my life when I was 9. She helped me through a lot of really dark times in my life (basically upper elementary school when my depression started to high school). I was severely depressed and suicidal and struggled with self harm all throughout high school and had a lot of tension with my parents during that entire time as well. She was constantly there and could sense when I was upset and came over and let me love on her. She's also one of the few cats who love belly rubs too. She's 18 and she's been declining. She's had pancreatitis for 5 years which we've been able to manage with steroids but over the summer she found out she has kidney disease and it's progressing and it's hard to tell how she's really doing since cats always hide their pain until it's unbearable. My parents are putting her down on the 17th and I'm really struggling with that. In a way I'm glad to know a date and have an opportunity to say goodbye since they didn't tell me they put the other cat down until after the fact a few years ago so I couldn't say goodbye. It also sucks knowing because I'm constantly thinking about her and knowing it's her last full Saturday, etc. I watched my grandpa die before my eyes and was actually the one to tell everyone else in the room, not even the hospice nurse noticed when she literally listened to his heart after he passed which pissed me off. I don't ever want to witness death again bc even though it was peaceful and natural and expected, it was still kind of traumatic to see and I'll always remember the one tear that rolled down his cheek the moment he passed. I definitely can't watch Beauty go esp with it being an 'unnatural death' even though I know it's the right thing to do. I also feel so much guilt because even though Beauty is declining, she probably could have had longer if we weren't all going out of town as a family for a week and a half at the end of the month. The last time my parents went out of town for a week in the summer she got really sick and was near death and we don't want to put her through that again. Then shortly after the vacation, my parents are moving. There's no way she'd be able to handle all that.

It doesn't help all this shit is going down in February which is usually my worst month of the year. I suffer from SAD pretty bad in the winter and every year seems to be worse. I absolutely loathe winter, esp west michigan winters which I still cannot get adjusted to despite living out here for 8 years almost now. I really want to move somewhere without winter but can't afford to change my cheap living situation or give up my job which has summers off which helps my SAD bc it absolutely kills me being stuck inside at work when it's nice out when I know a third of the year here is absolute shit. Luckily my vacation is to Arizona, so I'll be able to have a week of sunshine and warmth and I really hope I can heal from all this shit a bit there but fear my guilt and emotions will interfere. I haven't felt this down in a very long time and I fear slipping back into another major depressive episode. Being an ex psych major, I know the odds are stacked against me, I've had MDD twice and I know the odds of an eventual reoccurance are high. I've lived with dysthymia for years and been able to manage that but really don't want to slip again. I can't really afford to be spending money on therapy right now. I hope it all sorts itself out in the upcoming months but I just dont know.

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Officially legally male according to the federal government. Now, I’m about to head off to the sec of state to fix my license and have Michigan recognize me as male too.

Also one day shy of exactly 3 months post op with Dr. Medalie today.

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My half assed attempt at a picture a day on T.

Salvaged from my laptop I broke earlier in the week ever so conveniently right around my 3 years on T mark.

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My Cleveland tank has arrived and it’s my new favorite tank now- the fit is perfect. Much love to the city that forever saved and changed my life.

One day shy of 5 weeks post op with Dr. Medalie.

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Photo was taken yesterday at 15 days post op with Dr. Medalie in Cleveland, OH. Most of the scab peeled off yesterday around the areloa so I just have nipple scabs and a little bit left on the areloa as well. It's been a bit scary and bloody the last few days during this peeling phase, but that part will hopefully be mostly over in a week or two. From a distance and after a shower it looks great, close up it's still pretty gnarly. I'm still very happy with the shape of the incisions and nipple placement and think it'll look amazing once I am more healed and the swelling goes away and everything settles.

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It's the end of my 2nd day post op and im feeling pretty good. A bit of pain when I'm due for my percs and waiting for them to kick in which takes around 30 min but its nothing too crazy. I'm still on the full dose for now, but it feels so good to be free of the anxiety and nerves of being pre-op. Dr. Medalie and his team were amazing and I'm so excited to see my new chest on Tuesday and get my drains out then. I'll keep you all updated as my healing progresses.

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My last pre-op beer. No more alcohol for a while, but it’ll be worth it. Drinking a Short’s Bim Bam Boom for my last.

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Literally 2 weeks

To the minute and I’ll be under the knife for top surgery. May 25th at 9:45am.

I still can’t and honestly probably won’t get excited until it’s over because I’m still so scared something’s going to happen and it’s going to be taken away from me. My other big milestone of starting T was taken away from me the first try and I was launched into one of the worst places I’ve been mentally for a long time. Right now I’m just anxious as fuck.

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One of those New Year Posts

2015 has honesty been quite a good year for me. It's the first year I've felt confidence of my appearance the whole year, my beard finally connected which is awesome, my mental health has been great, time with friends has been great, and most exciting is that I finally got the ball rolling for top surgery. I'm on the waiting list for May and I couldn't be more excited! 2016 will be the year I can finally feel comfortable in my body and really focus on what my career goals are in life. I feel like my life has been on hold saving up for top surgery and I am excited to finally be able to move on in just 5 months.

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On the waiting list to schedule for top surgery in May

It’s so close to being official- was going to wait to announce it until I have a date but it might be a bit of a wait with the holidays and everything coming up. I’m just so happy I should be able to have my May date I’ve always dreamed about!

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End of Sept/early October 2012-2015

Pre-T and newly out full time vs 2 months on T vs 14 months vs 26 months

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Exactly one year apart. Just over 12 months vs just over 24 months on T.

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Can’t believe it’s time for another one of those comparison shots. I’m 2 days shy of 2 years on testosterone. I’m about to shave and then be out of town on the actual day so I figured I’d post now. 

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Bought a makeshift rashguard from Walmart because I don’t want to pay for an expensive rashguard to swim in to wear for hopefully only a year (I hope to god not but two more at max til top surgery). I feel like I look like a douche/idiot but I’m looking to my aunt and uncles in northern WI who live off a chain of lakes so I’m anticipating a swimming situation happening because it did the last time I was there in 2008 and pre-transition. Haven’t seen my cousin since 2009 and hope things aren’t awkward between us though I’m not terribly worried since my aunt and uncle are supportive and the few interactions and cousin and I did have online were positive.

 Also grown fond of little chin strap I’m rocking right now for just 3 weeks growth, but tomorrow’s doomsday for that.

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This is my ‘look’ I have to sport in order to leave my room right now- an awkward dirty bath towel strategically draped over my chest to conceal it without wrestling on a binder and hurting my sore ribs and back.  It’s better than wearing my full length fuzzy thick bathrobe which is how I walked around my house quickly last summer but with no air and temps of up to 85 in the coolest and always shady room where the thermostat is. That was ridiculous....

I haven’t worn the too small binder in a long time but now even my stretched out old binder that hardly binds me well enough to go out in public makes me ache if I wear it for more than a few hours. It’s a beautiful day outside- mid 70s and sunny and I really want to go outside for a walk and will most likely still try but I have a feeling it’ll be a short one. I’ve had to cut short or cancel my plans for the day or with friends a several times lately, and I just feel like my favorite time of year is just torture and my mood is starting to drop a bit- it’s nothing crazy yet, but it’s probably a good thing I’ll be going back to therapy soon to get my top surgery letter. It’s crazy that if everything goes my way, I should be getting it done in 11 months- 12 at the latest. I think that’s what’s keeping me from getting too depressed- the fact that I’m going to fight like hell to get this to happen next summer because I’ve had that time in my head for a date since 2013 (though I was more optimistic thinking 2015 or 2016 then) it was ultimately money that made me wait. I got screwed over last summer with unemployment and ended up dipping into my savings account so I had to work my ass off this year to make up for it. I personally feel too privileged to ask for any money whatsoever for surgery since I have the opportunity to be able to still slowly save money while making all my bills via being relatively frugal- though lately I feel I’ve been spending too much money on beer and need to stop.

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After 11 nights away from Grand Rapids I am back home and enjoying a treat from the east side- Atwater’s Decadent (dark chocolate ale) and Buddy’s Pizza that I can rarely find in shelves on this side of the state. Things with the family ended quite well. It was really hard leaving Beauty- it gets harder every time. Also, that selfie with her only took like 2000 attempts to finally get one that’s not blurry, has me in it still, and/or isn’t just Beauty’s butt or tail because she likes to walk in front of the camera right as you take the picture.

I feel optimistic about my parents becoming more accepting hopefully in the near future- they’ve already improved a bit but not being unsupportive by using wrong pronouns, name, or commenting negatively on my appearance- facial hair especially. They just don’t use male pronouns or really talk at all about my transition since it’s easier for both of us really. While out for drinks and dinner with my sister and brother-in-law my mom might have used male pronouns for the first time but I didn’t catch it- my sister mentioned it while we were hanging out a couple days later. I also saw two recordings of the Kardeshians reacting to Bruce Jenner’s transition and I never mentioned them at all so that was pretty cool to see. In the past they’d shoot down my sister’s suggestions to go to trans parent meetings.

I still hate being clean shaven and feel I look much more feminine but I’m sure most if not all of it is in my head and I’m glad I’ve been able to keep my sideburns longer each time I see them.

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My beard turned 1 month old yesterday and 22 months on T. Figured I’d show my halfway between No Shave November results. I was a bit disappointed last year but don’t think I will be this year. I’m going to be seeing my parents every 3 weeks or so during the summer so I won’t be able to grow it all out for a while.