joytraveler

[joytraveler]

Death Master 2 (concluded)

The trek into the glowing valley begins, a valley seemingly overgrown with organic polyhedral shapes, like crystals but throbbing with juicy flesh. This area seems to teem strangely with life-- John Brown called it "devoid of death", which seems accurate. Even the rocks crack and bleed like snail shells.

"Ewww, most of these are really terrible but there's a few I would want to pluck off and eat. Like this one, ooh yeah gonna cut it down and save it for later!" No enemies have shown up yet, until she destroys one of the "crystals". What are they..?

TaichouSenseiKun: It looks like they didn't finish designing those ButterflyDefect: Let's assume they just look like that, its even creepier :O

When Alonzo breaks one of the crystals, something comes out, that seems to be gasping for breath, but neither Bea nor her guests can fathom what it's supposed to be.

HNV: Rock wombs???

The stoney, un-living thing is difficult to kill, and Bea tries to avoid breaking any more 'rock sacks' for the rest of the stage.. "Did anyone have that colorful sand crystal stuff as a kid that you would grow in water? Know what I mean? It's like they made one of those a stage and said 'Hey how can we make this disturbing cuz that's what we do here at JT industries!!"

john_brown: no lie, my first published work was an article about those for Buzzfeed this is like coming home

There are surprisingly few enemies to fight in the evil valley, and the ones that are there, shambling zombies, only seem to attack if Alonzo attacks first. In fact, they don't do damage on contact, you can walk right by them! But the valley goes deeper and deeper, forming what looks like a natural amphitheater for what can only be the final encounter...

TaichouSenseiKun: Bea power up your thing SugaGlyda: Yeah Bea, don't mess this up! THE WORLD IS WATCHING. no pressure! The_World: We're just observing, Bea. ButterflyDefect: Eee this setting is great, it reminds me of Robert Scarfe a little, his more fleshy stuff DueyDecimal: I was gonna say Andrea Hasler, Butterfly. But him too!

A flash of black, and the purple-cloaked, jester-like figure who kicked you off the mountain is standing before you! Except he's not standing; he seems to be dead. LONG dead, at that-- his bones scatter when Alonzo curiously pokes at the body with his axe.

Alonzo stands and broods, and his thoughts appear in text over him: [WHO KILLED THE LORD OF DEATH?]

Bea grimaces and slowly raises her hand. "Mmmeeee....? maybe? Maybe he died of boredom waiting for me to get here, to which I say a victory is a victory!"

pigbarrel: final battle: press B rapidly to poke corpse

Just when it looks like this is a strange way to end the game-- SLASH! The old bones go flying, and there's the new Lord of Death who threw you from your mountain, spinning your scythe cockily-- except now you can see the interloper better, and it's quite clearly a Lady of Death!

"OH MY GOD, ITS... who is this, did we meet?? Hi The Mistress of Death, can we not fight? It's been a rough level, maybe we can just get to know each other and you can tell me who you're supposed to be??

SugaGlyda: She's clearly your Rule 63 evil rival HNV: Are we supposed to be blown away by a female character? Is this like those old brainteasers like "Mr. Johnson is brother to a famous scientist, but Mr. Johnson has no brother"?

The battle begins, and it's like fighting your shadow! Everything Alonzo can do, she can counter, and you've got a counter for all of her moves too-- you just have to catch it in time. Your weapon isn't as long as her scythe (that she stole from you!), but hers is too long for her, which can trip her up to your advantage!

"Good. Good. Good. BAD! Good.." Bea stays heavily focused as she carefully learns when to strike. She's most vulnerable just after a powerful overhead scythe-smash that momentarily splits the floor! "I feel like Daffy Duck as Robin Hood, thrutht! Parry! Thpin!!"

john_brown: when I watch people play these games I'm always reminded of how literally bad at video games I am you sailed through this game in just a couple hours and I've never won anything harder than Wheel of Fortune

"I don't even feel like I'm that good, I usually just get by on persistence and motivation from sheer annoyance. Sometimes you want to beat a game cause it's fun, sometimes out of spite!"

"Spite for myself, this is still really hard." She dies after making some progress, this could take a few times. "Like, now I've come too far, I have to see Al through this mess in spite of wanting to kick and scream"

pigbarrel: bea is a paragon of maturity

Inch by inch, death after death, Bea is getting better and wearing down the boss, until finally Alonzo lands a blow that knocks the spinning scythe out of the boss's hands and she falls to her knees, defenseless, waiting for the killing strike. It's up to Bea: disarm, or finish it?

SugaGlydah: Can we just give her a noogie and call it even

"Jeez, I don't know guys. What do you think?"

pigbarrel: on the one hand she opposed everything we stood for, on the other she's pretty cool HNV: This is such a loaded question, of course you WANT to spare her, no one’s getting off on executing a disarmed and surrendering opponent Bee52: FINISH HER! Syrupentine: Oh crap, Bea, don’t hesitate, kill her! Remember how the last game ended??

"I don't know if I trust her really, but I'm afraid of what might happen if I... Ohhh, frick it." She chooses to set down her blade. "Maybe she did it cause she had someone she cared about, too.. I'm sorry guys I don't have it in me"

Glockroach: then she just punches al in the dick and runs

Alonzo walks toward the helpless figure, extending a hand of friendship... and just when he's about to take her hand, that's when the scythe she tossed away comes down... on her.

john_brown: oh christ, brutal!

"What even for??" Bea gasps out. Alonzo jumps back but again rushes to her side, though it's too late now.. "Who even were you? My wife? My mother? My father? Christopher Lloyd in a human suit??"

The harlequin mask comes off-- it really was his wife! Even as her body turns black and begins to crumble, she reaches to take his hand. A message box appears.

[IT WAS WORTH IT TO SEE YOU AGAIN... ALONZO]

"H-hey, so I was going to play more games but I'll need a trip down to the crying pit first, methinks"

Baconnaise: Wait I remember we couldn't bring back his family in the first one, right? So..how. Syrupentine: I knew it... you should have killed her, now you can't bring her back... aroseahorseboy: um bea did this game have a name entry screen???

"I didn't see one, I.. oh. Well that's weird as fuck.. I've been calling him that so long I hardly noticed!"

HNV: Super sad Bad End... slightly mitigated by incredible coincidence

"Well I guess I have to get the other ending too, I can't leave it off like that. Maybe we'll come back at the end of the page. Crap.. I feel dirty, anybody else"

john_brown: that was awful and I hate it but I’m still glad I came because these are just so different pigbarrel: they make little sense but in very fun ways aroseahorseboy: IKR? they’re so good except when they’re so awful it’s funny Glockroach: And if that's not to your liking there's always bedbugs DueyDecimal: it really does feel like there’s a message here! Somewhere...

"Maybe just that there are some mistakes you can't undo." Bea lets out a long sigh. "Aaaaaanyway.."

[joytraveler]

Death Master 2 (continued)

The third stage is a gruesome swamp, which seems to be being used for a butcher's larder-- what with all the dead animals hanging from the trees!

"Ohhh that, that Sneaky Pete!!" Bea growls at her mysterious foe. The morbid stage ahead rather distracts her, however. "Maybe we... maybe we just shouldn't do this, we've had enough of this game haven't we??"

Glockroach: Leatherface is gonna be the boss of this HNV: It's this or Box Baby, Bea... make your choice

"Mmmm I sure do love Slaughter Swamp! Yep, just gonna mosey right along ahead there!!"

Of course the decapitated animals fall out of the trees and attack you. Why would they not, right? And bony arms grab at you from out of the swamp... And finally a towering pile of SOMETHING rises up out of the muck, surrounded by swirling will o' wisps!

Llord_Kuruku: ok wut john_brown: wait I thought this was a fantasy hack and slasher why are you fighting the poop emoji???

"THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!" Bea sings at the top of her voice! "Hehgegehehehehgggfff I don't wanna touch it, no!! Long range, gimme the torch, NO!" She has to chase after an annoying little ghost to get the torch to set her weapon ablaze!

Once the stack of brown stuff's gaseous little friends are destroyed, it weakens and collapses, leaving behind some sort of shrine, half sunk in the murk; Alonzo stares at it for a second, and there's another flashback.

"Here we go, nnng.. comfort food.. What's the happiest thing I have.." she reaches to the snack table.. "Yesss, gummy sharks.. Ok I'm ready"

The sunken shrine fades to a newer shrine in a brighter forest, where Alonzo is being led along by a shrine keeper, and shown two mosaics. One shows the Death Master, whom we already know, raising the dead from their graves. The other mosaic shows a different figure – the one who's been following you all along – who seems to be putting live people into graves!

john_brown: i really like the little world mythology this game is building Syrupentine: oh, it's like the Wizard of Oz! This guy's brother is hunting you for killing him and taking his place! His scythe, whatever

"Right, so I must be the Good Death of the North, meaning I have to be enemies with Elphaba now"

aroseahorseboy: now don't get me wrong this game is totally cool and gory and everything but! I feel like they are beating around the bush and not telling us about glem and his mom and dad!

Stage 4 starts with a horrible monster's maw, seeming to form the gateway to this next world. As Bea treks through, though, it becomes clear that it's no metaphor-- the whole next stage takes place inside the body of a vast dead creature!

pigbarrel: hey, its my house!! pull up a maggot and make yourself at home!

Sunlight shines through the many gaping holes in the monster's body, illuminating all the lovely scenes of Alonzo hacking his way through gigantic decomposers and detritovores, and running from collapsing vertebrae and certain things that are partially digested but still alive. The music even seems composed of various squelches and gurgles, to boot. A long, spiraling spinal staircase is the worst part, with a sea of roiling worms rising up after her!

"Hey, my followers! No autographs, please.”

Apparently this monster was a female, because the boss of this stage is a zombie egg, able to 'hatch' seemingly any number of appendages from under its calcified shell! At one point it becomes a pinwheel of wings and legs, and at least four shrieking beaks!

pigbarrel: and there's me, sorry for all the attacking HNV: I wondered if your Facebook picture was accurate, sorry for doubting you SugarGlyda: !!!!! oh its a perfect limb baby!!!

When the egg is finally stilled, Alonzo makes his way out onto a ridge overlooking a valley, that glows menacingly with purple evil. But, once again, we get a flashback; Alonzo and his would-be bride, embracing as they sit on the ridge together, watching as a magnificent, phoenix-like bird soars over the sunset-- in fact it's clearly the very bird whose ruined body you just journeyed through.

"I'm not crying internally, nope not me.. Made o' granite, be I."

TaichouSenseiKun: It's okay Bea let it out john_brown: why is this game so sad though?? HNV: We end up asking that about almost all of them honestly

To be concluded.

[joytraveler]

79. Death Master II: The Lord Of Death

This one has an appropriately awesome title sequence, showing the Death Master himself ("Alonzo" to our friends here) wielding his giant scythe atop a volcano with a storm spiraling above him! 

john_brown: this looks like the kind of video game that you have painted on your van

"Can you hear the soundtrack too because its really good, it's like Dragonstorm or one of those fantasy-metal bands.. Oh maybe we'll find out what happened to his parents? Remember they were dead and he couldn't bring them back? Spoilers." 

ButterflyDefect: Right, you could only reverse deaths YOU caused, it turned out

The game begins with a scrolling text: 

YOUR REIGN AS DEATH MASTER WAS A REIGN OF PEACE. 

HAVING SEEN SO MUCH DESPAIR ON YOUR WAY TO THIS THRONE, YOU BROUGHT KINDNESS AND WARMTH THAT NO FALLEN SOUL HAD EVER ENCOUNTERED BEFORE. 

YET CRUELTY STILL LIVES, MAKING DIRE PLANS OF ITS OWN... 

DueyDecimal: Still "You", huh? We never learn Alonzo's real name?ButterflyDefect: It's kind of nice the DEATH MASTER is actually a good guy for a change aroseahorseboy flings Butterfly into a giant blender hey i'm nice but we gotta have refreshments, y'know

DueyDecimal: BTW, isn't "Death Master 2: The Lord Of Death" sort of like "Sonic The Hedgehog 2: A Hedgehog Named Sonic"?

"Maybe the Master and the Lord are two different Death guys? It's got to be a pretty big jobs, maybe we're just like the regional manager now" 

The text crawl fades away, to the same image from the title screen... and then suddenly Alonzo is kicked off his high perch, and someone in black and maroon robes grabs the scythe from his hand as he tumbles. "Now I am The Death Master!" it shouts, in a speech bubble. 

"Oh fuckbuckets, that was was quick! HEY, that's, you gotta boss fight me for that, you dweeb!" 

pigbarrel: oh. so it's more of a death usurper HNV: I never thought of the semantics, but 'master' does seem to be a higher rank than 'lord', to me

The game proper begins with Alonzo hitting the ground running! You're unarmed to start with, but this game gives you the power to take weapons from armed enemies and power them up by defeating enemies in combos. A tiny spear that Bea appropriates from a squat little goblin soon grows into a massive lance that can puncture things from across the screen! 

"HWAAA!! Gimme that mace, I wanna see what that turns into next!" It's a good fit for the first boss she encounters too, a giant skeletal turtle! Eventually she manages to flip it on its back and smash its underside! "I AM BEATRIX, THE DEATH MISTRESS! THE "X" IS FOR THE LITTLE Xs YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ON YOUR EYES FROM.. from being dead." 

john_brown: the way your weapons grow reminds me of the sword of omens from thundercats DueyDecimal: ...Am I the only one who sees the Freudian imagery there? ButterflyDefect: War is a long list of big stabbing, thrusting things Syrupentine: hehehehehehehehe.... peenz0rs pigbarrel: this is crime

The second stage is a ruined village, with frightened townspeople being tormented by the animal-headed monsters that seem to work for your enemy now. Surprisingly, halfway through the stage you come to something like a church, and there's a strange moment: the action all freezes, and suddenly there's a wedding happening, and you're the groom! 

HNV: ...okay waht

"Oh is this.. Are we.. are we doing a flashback?? Is that what this is?? Uggh this is going to be sad isn't it!" 

DueyDecimal: Of COURSE the sequel is actually a prequel!!

As the bride and groom come close to kiss, suddenly the lights go out-- and when they come back on, the groom is standing bloodied in a pile of victims, including both pairs of parents! And there's the old Death Master from the original game, exiting out the back door. 

Syrupentine: So he doesn't remember who killed his parents OR girlfriend... OR his girlfriend's parents? Llord_Kuruku: now that's just overkill

"Oh no.. no no NO!! Who woulda done this?! Why?? Why turn this blessed event into Super Grooms n' Ghosts??" 

Then it's back to the game, and chopping and hacking through the village and the monsters; the monsters seem more focused now, and will turn away from the villagers to attack Alonzo! 

HNV: I think everyone had a flashback, now all the monsters recognize you!

"So my family was murdered by the original DM, everyone blames Al because nobody trust the guy with a mustache, whatever you do, but then who.." 

pigbarrel: maybe death masters have families too?? so its like bowser jr. come to avenge his father john_brown: i wonder if it's a translation error that they don't just say 'grim reaper' or if this is supposed to be something different?

Finally comes the stage boss-- and of all places for this boss to attack you, it's right in front of your old house, the very place you came to at the end of the last game! At least it's a cool boss-- a roaring "hangman's tree" that chomps with its gnashing knothole mouth and swings dead bodies on nooses like nunchaku! 

"Stupid- Hgarrrgh, none of my weapons are working! This is why I don't go outside, trees are always doing this!!" 

Once she knocks down one of the bodies from the tree and claims its axe, however, the tide of battle turns in her favor! 

HNV: Axes and trees are natural enemies! ButterflyDefect: I, too, shall die clutching my axe in my hand. After smiting my final foes with my crushing solo

With a few heavy blows, the tree teeters, falls, and becomes a stump! Then there's another flashback... the stump becomes a young sapling, and the Death Master becomes a young Alonzo, shovel in hand, standing over the graves that were revealed at the end of the previous game. 

Syrupentine: why do you do this to us again, game :___;

"It's powered by our emotional suffering" Bea tries to press start but of course it's an unskippable cutscene! "And so from that day on.. he decided.. he really hated skeletons. OH and also probably vengeance." 

Alonzo slowly skulks away, shovel in hand, head hung... And then a shadowy figure appears from behind the tombstones – the same figure that threw him off the mountain at the beginning! 

Syrupentine: ooooh, intrigue

to be continued

[joytraveler]

74: Super Water Polo

It's a good thing that apparently Klickitat Street played water polo in high school, because neither Bea nor anyone else seems to know a thing about it. It was a little difficult getting her to even choose the game, but #84, Make Your Promise, has a 'lock' symbol, indicating it can't be played until this one is started.

HNV: I've never been so hopeful to see tapeworms. I KNOW tapeworms.

"Tapeworms? What about the tapew- OHhhhhhh yeah there's gonna be those, huh. John, you'll like this part, I think"

john_brown: you have my undivided attention.

"Ok Klickit let me know what's up here, this is the kind of sport I wasn't sure really existed, like badminton"

aroseahorseboy: this is GOODminton Klickitat_Street: Here's the short version: arrange all your guys in a figure eight in the water. It's like soccer or hockey but it's harder to move, basically.

When the game begins, seven kids on each side take their places in the pool-- and they definitely appear to be kids, and are credited with names like Pee-Wee and Junior. To Bea's surprise, though, the game seems to play without any input from her.

"I'm, I'm sure winning here! Guess I'm just naturally really good at this, yup.. what the hell, seriously. Hey, HEY!! Let me rearrange my team or drop a depth charge!" The only input she can give is the start button, which lets her stop the game, choose one of the players, and exchange them with someone else on the bench.

Baconnaise: Is that Sportacus TaichouSenseiKun: Is that one a Spanunko? Klickitat_Street: ...They went to all the trouble of making an H20 Polo game... and you're the referee??? Glockroach: Is that a tapeworm in your lower intestines or are you just happy to see me HNV: My god, that's the point of the game, isn't it? No Spanunkos allowed in the pool!

"I guess they don't do water polo.." Bea shrugs. "You'll know one when you see them, don't give up hope yet guys!"

john_brown: i am afraid to ask what a Spanunko is or wait. shit. is that that Nimmo monster? are those in this??? normalnancy asked me what one was and i spent like an hour looking it up. she never told me what it was for!

"Yeah! We've seen them a bunch of times now and there's worms that show up in several games.."

pigbarrel: could you date one in the dating sim game or am I only dreaming Syrupentine: He wasn't one in the game but yeah! Woody was one in that street-crossing game! john_brown: syrup I will hold you to your promise to make those recap videos

The object of the game is now a bit clearer: keep the spanunkos out of the water for as long as you can. If a healthy kid sits between two of them on the bench, he becomes one himself, so it's actually more of a puzzle game where you try to keep the infection contained.

DueyDecimal: ...Now that we've figured out what's happening this is suddenly a lot more boring.

"Just as well, there's probably a lotta worms in the pool already so let's just move on" She makes sure to show John some Spanunkos before she moves on!

ButterflyDefect: Ugh, dammit bea john_brown: they are not as alarming as Nancy made them sound HNV: It's okay, what you really came for is coming up What do you know about... BOX BABY

"NO, I wanna play anything else! Wait there's not another one already, is there??" She checks the list again. There are six games left she hasn't played, including Death Master 2, Party On Planet Of Pisces, and the still-locked Make Your Promise.

Syrupentine: I'm hesitant, we've been burned by Planet of Pisces before...

"Never thought I'd miss the guy named Death Master but you know what, I think we need to pay our old pal a visit for comfort in these trying times! I miss his mustache, don't you!"

pigbarrel: oh i wasn't here for that one. I can't wait til we can master some high level death TaichouSenseiKun: Low level death includes stuff like plants, next level up is pets, then you get people

[joytraveler]

81: Run The Gauntlet

This is the first, and possibly only, first-person shooter on the whole console! It's nothing like any FPS Bea has played, though. The playing field is limited to what you can see through a cutout, like the gobos used to depict "binocular view" in a movie. You also shoot arrows and axes rather than bullets, and the enemies are fantasy monsters, but the play field seems to be a futuristic city!

"GO!! GO WE HAVE TO RUN, LETS GO! WHY DO YOU WASTE MY TIME WITH MENUS?! Wait what do I name my character.."

aroseahorseboy: there's ten characters... HONEYBUNCH HNV: Ten playable characters?? aroseahorseboy: ten blank spaces HNV: I admit they're not very well fleshed out, no

"Done. Nope, sorry, aro gets this one!” Entered! "I'm going to look at this warehouse for supplies.. Does this town look familiar to you guys? I mean, totally different game obviously, but.. Maybe rubble just tends to look similar"

Syrupentine: The last ruined city we saw didn't have any monsters though... DueyDecimal: Maybe the monsters all got turned into save points! TaichouSenseiKun: I Have No Mouth And I Must Save

It's very strange to play an FPS that uses NES-quality graphics! You can't quite tell what the monsters are until they get close to you, so it's almost like Dragon Warrior or other RPGs of the day, you fight in very close quarters.

"I can't really see what i'm fighting until its right there and that makes this SO SCARY!!"

TaichouSenseiKun: What if they threw a Doom and Bea came DueyDecimal: An FPS that Bea actually likes?? What kind of miracle is this? aroseahorseboy: okay i thought that was going to be a bear but it is indeed a mean gingerbread man LESSON LEARNED Glockroach: Bea youre beating the hell out of that heavily pixelated gingerbread man

"I was hungry.. Oh I got one of its candy claw hands? Can I equi- ohhh yeah I can!"

john_brown: this actually is a little bit like gauntlet except there's no "elf needs food badly" aroseahorseboy: "elf serves food poorly"

When Bea finally reaches the boss of the maze, once again, it's very difficult to see what it is from a distance. When Bea gets close, though, she gets a very detailed look at a moist, gooey eye glaring right back at her from the TV! Bea sputters out profanities and tries to flee but can't get it out of her field of "vision!"

"HELP ME AAAAA I CANT DO ANYTHING OHGODHELP" She tries attacking it, to no avail.

john_brown: oh cool does this have motion controls? HNV: ...It's been a long time since anyone said that. john_brown: it's watching bea herself-- when she goes left, it looks left Baconnaise: Maybe it wants a staring contest. or a contact lens Maybe it must be fed aroseahorseboy: O!!! bea bea bea listen lean to the left while you play THEN SHOOT FROM THE RIGHT

"Why does this thing keep messing with me?? It makes games, it does.. whatever this is here, it emotionally devastates people, it slices, it dices, it die-ses!"

Syrupentine: Thinks it's so great, where the hell is the game where it tells you the sports scores and lottery numbers from the future

Aro's suggestion actually works: since the boss aims at the person playing the game, rather than the player character, it starts to miss her as soon as she leans over, out of view of her webcam.

"If I don't look at it, it can't see me! I'll have to fight it in the mirror.. wait, Aro's thing is better, let’s keep doing that!"

"This is really cool but I hope the next one doesn't stare quite so deeply into the pits of my soul.."

john_brown: can someone explain what's happening in this series or should I just watch the other videos? they're like four hours each...

"Well I know a lot of you know each other already. John, we'd been trying to get you here for a while, but I do these live and then just post em, maybe I should chop them up more. There's a lot going on in this game but we're pretty sure we're trying to solve a mystery!"

Syrupentine: Would it be okay with you if I made some "best of" videos, Bea? HNV: John: Bea's been playing this crazy plug and play game system with supposedly 167 games on it, and there's a bunch of weird recurring themes DueyDecimal: My favorite is the family with the funny names! They keep appearing and the mom and son are like the mascots for the whole series, I think

"There's a family and- yeah. And the mom is the one we know the best, and she seems AWESOME and let us unlock this in-game software that lets you actually make stuff! It's like Mario Maker, sort of, but you can do multiple genres and also, I keep thinking about her like she's a real person, is that weird? Well, welcome to the Bea Show!"

Klickitat_Street: And then there's the zombies. And tapeworms. And Planet of Pisces, and tons of weird games made by actual children... john_brown: is this all for real? aroseahorseboy: either that or bea is a fucking brilliant performance artist DueyDecimal: Also this totally weird imported game system has all these advanced features! It has gyro controls, analog stick, QR support, and Bea keeps finding new ones!

"Both things can be true. I think they're trying to tie together the console's history in some way, Redhead might even be one of the devs"

aroseahorseboy: yeah the games are like the story of the console itself or at least that's our best guess

[joytraveler]

75: Kwaseed

This game stars a muscular black man who wields a claw hammer as a weapon. It looks like there's a text-heavy intro that would explain this, but Bea accidentally skips it!

"Isn't this supposed to have an introduction by Whoopi Goldberg.. I guess I can- oh, shi- sorry, sorry! Well, I just spared you a bad impression, at least.."

HNV: It's okay, we remember it from when you played the SNES version of The Pagemaster aroseahorseboy: and sister act 2 on the genesis

When the game starts, the hero (Kwaseed?) has a number of things he can do with his claw hammer, not just swinging it-- he can take things apart with the claw, hang from rivets on the walls, and throw lots of hammers at once in a big arc!

DueyDecimal: Cool, he can throw hammers like in Kwisdo

"Maybe it's a spiritual sequel! We'll be fighting floating dog houses with sharks in them soon enough!"

There are some familiar monsters to fight, like the jack-o-lantern snowmen and the somersaulting Santa... but now they're all soldiers wearing strange armor, some of whom fire bullets at the hero with regular handguns between jumps.

aroseahorseboy: did kwisdo go 'hardcore'?

[joytraveler]

73: Felinja

Another sequel: this time to Cat Rate, surprisingly. Bea didn't play the ninja cat in the last game, but he seems to be the star of this one!

Instead of a sports game, it's an action game, where your ninja cat can climb walls with his claws and hide in the shadows to avoid invincible dog thugs. Most of this one is just Bea making happy, high pitched noises, occasionally pointing at the screen when a new cute thing shows up!

aroseahorseboy: who made this cuteness for us and when is it going to get horrible HNV: Don't look a gift kitty in the meowth!

"I wonder if there's a whole Catverse? I sure hope so, this rules- Hey good I'm dead! I keep dying cause everything is so delightful that it just kiiiiills me! Oh, I have- I have six lives, down from- OH I STARTED WITH NINE, OF COURSE, THAT'S ADORABLE!"

DueyDecimal: One hit and you're dead, but ninjas aren't exactly known for their resilience, I guess! Bee52: especially against cars SORRY SORRY DueyDecimal: ...Oh, you meant cats. How charming.

"Many ninja kept unfoldable bamboo cars with them to escape after their mission, of course now and then you crash into other ninja, it does happen." She picks up a dog biscuit power-up that can lure the guards away, or bonk them into each other if they try to go for the same one at once!

Once she's lured the guards away, a big mean dog with a spiked collar shows up and starts patrolling; the object of this boss fight turns out to be luring the dog into attacking you so he gets barrels and crates stuck on his spikes!

"And now I can stand on him! The ultimate goal of any cat, to be on top of something taller than yourself.."

pigbarrel: a dream we all share HNV: I hope there isn't a basset hound bad guy, Bea will be mad Baconnaise: And then they jump and destroy the christmas tree Glockroach: Our cat mauled the hell out of Santa one year, it was a mess. jelly everywhere

The dog goes crashing through the wall in panic, and a sack on a chain is lowered from the ceiling-. There's a tiny calico kitten in it! Apparently Felinja is a daddy looking for his family-- the silhouettes of six more kittens appears on the Level Complete screen.

aroseahorseboy: oh thank god it wasn't creepy or some kind of awful metaphor

"No these are the seven kittens you slew in betrayal to your clan, you're just collecting their vengeful spirits so they can- BIRD NINJA! BIRD NINJA CUTE LITTLE BIRDY NINJA!"

TaichouSenseiKun: Bea, we need you, come back to us HNV: I think this game is TOO wholesome! pigbarrel: that's the twist Syrupentine: This game is far too kiddie to be on the Sega Genesis, which is far too graphic for tender young minds. aroseahorseboy: okay bea, seriously, do something else with blood and nightmares i can handle all those as long as they're not happening to cute kitties

[joytraveler]

#77: Foot War

This game starts with a short cinematic in which monsters that resemble giant hands storm a castle, taking the king, queen, and all the soldiers... but leave behind the teenage princess, and her enormous closet full of shoes.

"I don't know why this wasn't released, it's incredible.. Maybe it was just too expensive for the time and this is like a prototype? It's not much to look at but neither is the Wii U, so- oh hang on, I need to defend my shoes!" Bea is very serious about defending her shoes!

The game begins, and the princess has to fight her way through expansive, Sonic- like landscapes, using the shoeboxes all around her to arm herself for battle! The sneakers let her run faster, the platform wedgies let her stomp enemies like Mario, the spiked cleats let her run up walls, and that's just the start!

"I got PUMPS! PUMPS! I- Oh I can't run in these, of course. Great. Oh but I have better range, I have stab-heel kick death spear power"

pigbarrel: That's a pretty good power HNV: I must be a 90s kid, I thought you meant "The Pump"

The further Bea goes, the more shoes she unlocks, including unusual ones like swimming flippers, moon shoes (for extra high jumps), and what the game calls "cement overshoes"-- a tub of concrete that the princess can only hop in, and will take her to an underwater world if she jumps into water wearing them!

Glockroach: This is what you've been missing, and nobody's having to get shot either aroseahorseboy: WHY TaichouSenseiKun: Wait til we get the gun boots before you say that john_brown: this is so super cute though! the hand monsters, eee pigbarrel: this is basically a very moody game system, it has decided to be good to us for now Syrupentine: Bea nice to it, Be Baconnaise: And then there's the Nightmare Cube speakin of moody HNV: OH MAN YOU HAVE TO SEE THE BOX

"There'll probably be another one, don't worry! I mean, do worry, do lots of worrying!"

aroseahorseboy: yeah, it's like box baby world or something Syrupentine: Box Baby & Knuckles Klickitat_Street: ...Dr. Box Baby

The final boss is a well dressed hand- well, a glove- that takes off its glove to fight.. there's another glove underneath, and the discarded glove comes to life as a second foe!

"Oh, RIPOFF!"

Glockroach: Bea this woulda been way before Smash, brub john_brown: the bad guys are kind of at a disadvantage, there aren't really as many kinds of gloves as of shoes! Syrupentine: You say that but wait till they pull out the Freddy Krueger glove ButterflyDefect: What about spats, where do those fit in? and socks? fine net leggings? There are too many questions! Klickitat_Street: Maybe eventually you have to fight an entire tuxedo

Finally the hand explodes, into five panicking fingers that run around on tiny legs like caterpillars!

ButterflyDefect: OH!!! all becomes.... clear? pigbarrel: haha, talk a walk, ya lousy fingers!

Then there's another brief cinema sequence, as the princess finds a pair of broken pumps on the ground where the hand was, and her eyes fill with fear.

[Oh...!] [Th-these... belong to...] [...MY FATHER!]

Klickitat_Street: ...Mistranslation or plot twist?

[joytraveler]

#80: Freak Show Starring The Hero

From the splash screen, it's clear right away who The Hero is-- he wears a leather vest, bell bottoms, a ripped sleeveless shirt, and has a huge spiked pompadour. Oddly, his head hovers over his body, with no visible neck! He's giving a strange hand gesture that's both peace sign and thumbs-up.

HNV: You know, if the game was just coming up with names for this guy, we'd probably still all be happy with this.

"Maybe he's descended from that cave man? Or the guy from Death Master.. I dunno I keep trying to connect these things in my mind" she shakes her head and presses start. "Not seeing many freaks yet but, that's okay, maybe we'll make some! Maybe he has a third eye under his head!"

"Er, under his hair. That'd be a twist, he takes off his face and he's just a floating eye with a body"

john_brown: i thought you meant like it was where his neck would be, like his head was being held in place by eyeball magic aroseahorseboy: we got a name EYEBALL MAGIC IT IS! ButterflyDefect: A Dream Man

Bea's game begins with a choice of five different stages to play through, including Public Library, DMV, Elementary School, City Hall, and Amusement Park.

"PARK!" She goes right to that one, who wouldn't!

Syrupentine: Parp! DueyDecimal: It is the only place you would actually see a freak show! aroseahorseboy: but would it star THE HERO

The stage starts in the middle; there's a little HUD at the bottom that shows where the player is, but the level goes in a circle with no beginning or end. The Hero is threatened almost immediately by a bouncing monster with no legs, just arms and a muscular body! When Bea tries to attack, it becomes clear why The Hero has no neck-- so he can sling his head like a bowling ball!

ButterflyDefect: I think this is off to a good start! That body thing is disturbing as hell pigbarrel: now that's using your neckless head, as the saying goes!! john_brown: are all the games like this?? I can get behind this Glockroach: If you're lucky, sometimes they're just weird and pointless and other times they're horrifying

Once the torso monster is disposed of. The Hero runs along, and his running animation is even stranger: his legs detach, spinning like wheels with a foot on each end!

"Okay I need to edit in the bongo drum noise later for this guy's cartoon run. If only Sonic was this much fun!”

His jump is also strange: he doesn't. Instead his legs stretch like rubber, planting in place first! He gets a LOT of height but he has to have something to grab onto-- like another monster which is hanging from the Ferris wheel, which is what Bea ends up grabbing.

john_brown: you know what this kinda reminds me of? it's like kirby from before he could copy powers. he used to be just this weird grab bag of powers that fought enemies who were helpless by comparison HNV: Yeah, this is like... stretchy arm werewolf or something, there's no theme. Like Kwisdo!

"Well, everyone's missing some parts, that's kind of a theme? There are definitely freakish deformities going on at least, I can't fault the game for not delivering on that. Oh well, it's fun in a really goofy way.”

The object of the level is to defeat all the monsters: there's a counter (marked "F") that shows how many are left. You don't have to fight them all, some of them you can trap, and there's one-- a walking pair of legs-- that is 'defeated' when The Hero bumps into it from behind and pulls its pants down, making it shuffle sheepishly offscreen!

pigbarrel: that was me. oh how embarrassing! i'm sorry aroseahorseboy: take THAT fresno nightcralwer Baconnaise: Pants are overrated anyway. free thyself, leggy friend

"I am the SLAYER OF HORRORS! Aw jeez, I hope this isn't just some harmless sideshow and I'm not just killing their performers. The body guys do a great musical number, normally.”

Once all the Freaks are defeated, a boss Freak appears stomping through the park: it looks like The Hero himself, as reflected through a funhouse mirror! This begins an intense battle, as The Hero can't seem to hurt his doppelgänger, but he can lead him through the park to be damaged by the many amusement features: first up, leading him through the shooting gallery!

"Must be The Villain. Or maybe The Anti-Hero! This is wacky and I think I love it" she says, leading him onto some rollercoaster tracks for the finishing blow! "Are they supposed to just have roller coasters randomly go through the park, or... well anyway he's dead.”

Glockroach: I would ride that in a minute john_brown: is normalnancy here? she kept bugging me to come to this stream and now i feel dumb for not coming until now john_brown: also i don't have too long to stay here, i can't stay for four hours ::(

[joytraveler]

Joy Traveler: Screen 7

(Sunday, August 23, 2015)

The chat is very full, with old friends and new! The preview of Screen 7 has gotten everyone excited for tonight's stream.

john_brown: hey everyone aroseahorseboy: !!!!!!!! aroseahorseboy: HE IS HERE HNV: Oh wow, a celebrity! Syrupentine: AHHH JOHNNY Baconnaise: Oh hey Glockroach: fuck john_brown: please. please. no need to bow. pigbarrel: hi, i'm sorry we haven't met but you seem important Llord_Kuruku: This is John Brown's Body, from the website of the same name Llord_Kuruku: (i think? if it's the real person) john_brown: do people come in here and RP as me?? HNV: Well, NOW we will TaichouSenseiKun: Oh hey john john_brown: tai!! didn't know you'd be here TaichouSenseiKun: yeah I've been comin a while, actually, this game is definitely the kind of thing you'd appreciate Baconnaise: A few. A lot actually Klickitat_Street: ...OK, OK, I'll go read your site, and not just so people will stop bugging me about it

"HEYYY Look who's here! And we got some other new meat too, excellent, you've come at a good time!" Bea's getting ready to start, well insulated by two layers of sweater.

ButterflyDefect: It Bea! Quiet down children, story time! HNV: We got some good stuff coming up, I saw another Box Baby and another Fishworld aroseahorseboy: i am curious about FREAK SHOW (starring the hero)

"We kind of HAVE to do Freak Show, I hope Duey's here!" She goes over the list again, wondering what's to come.. "I guess they didn't get around to naming their hero, which means we get to do it ourselves!"

[joytraveler]

"......." Bea takes a little shot of honey bourbon before this one. "LLLGRrkk... wow, that's horrible. Okay, we're doing this. A lot of you weren't here for BB but it was.. yeah, y'know, weird and kind of threatening. At first! But the next time we met, I think we made friends!"

Baconnaise: Hellbaby thinks Bea is mum TaichouSenseiKun: We'll make it a new mom, with ParentBuilder 2 DueyDecimal: Is that a game on this too? TaichouSenseiKun: Not yet but we rule nothing out anymore


#72: BOX BABY 3

This game has a graphical change from the first two. The wrapped gift is now on the left side on the screen with the 'astronaut' on the right. The 'astronaut' is also wearing a blue suit rather than the original yellow. Also, the dialogue is in capital and lowercase letters, rather than all caps.

[Hello there.] [I know you can hear me.] [I know you can understand me.] [...] [I also know you don't like me.]

"Who told you that?" She frowns. "I mean, we got off to a rough start. Are you feeling okay there? ...Bea Talks At Games, The Show.."

HNV: Hey, at least you're not as bipolar as the box.

[...] [I'm right, aren't I?] [It's okay to say so. (Y/N)]

"No no no, don't be that way, we's cool! Right? Give Beas a chance?" [N], hoping it means no i don't dislike you and not no i don't like you..

>aroseahorseboy has entered the chat. aroseahorseboy: we're cool i'm sorry i made drama there guys. Klickitat_Street: Uh, she meant the game? But we're glad you're OK now.

"Heya seahawse, we're talking to BB again! Let's all BEE on our best behavior!"

HNV: I told Aro we were playing BB3 and he perked right up

[Come on, let's be honest with each other.] [I know I'm not the one you want to talk to.] [...I haven't seen her lately.] [That was going to be your next question, right? (Y/N)]

"Her? Who her, Redhead Mom? No.." [N] "Haven't seen her in a while, actually, but you must know each other, right?"

TaichouSenseiKun: Are we sure this is box baby we're talking to pigbarrel: Of course, it's the same beeping noise as it types out its text as last time. that's like the voice of a game character that doesn't talk aroseahorseboy: no no guys i figured it out WE ARE THE BOX Glockroach: you're a idiot, get out pigbarrel: we are each a dot on the box.. a speck in this great universe...... Baconnaise: This planet of Meat

[She hasn't come back yet.] [...] [It's you and me now, you know.] [Whether you like it or not.] HNV: Whoever's talking, they don't have as many questions this time

"I think someone switched boxes on us between games here. Get a box that isn't full of Jerk, please"

"Maybe it's the Monsters Inc. HazMat guy on the side there, what's your deal? I like the blue actually, you look less like a Neptunian"

[I like you. ] [No, really!] [Well, I like you better than the others do]. [They're afraid of you, aren't they? (Y/N)]

Bea makes the scariest face she can into the camera. "WELL?? ARE YOU???" she hisses

aroseahorseboy: aaaagh cringe HNV: I fear and respect the B-box Bee52: the Bea box! Glockroach: Bea-elzebib *bub TaichouSenseiKun: that's the bib she wears as she eats your soul

"Yeah gonna go with No on that one"

[You're not fooling anyone. You know they are.] [Because they know what you can do.] [Especially the big one.] [He's the one who wants to change you.] [Me?] [I'm the one who wants to be your friend.]

Llord_Kuruku: yeah, that's me, I'm The Big One

"Maybe the box has six personalities, one for each side, depending how it got flipped over that day.. I wanna be friends too but you gotta be good, okay?"

DueyDecimal: Cool, the box is like the Dodecahedron from The Phantom Tollbooth (a book you should all read)!

[...] [Her?] [Well, what about her?] [Don't you think that if she wanted to see you...] [She'd have come by now? ]

HNV: Wow, the game is as curious where Joyce went as we are

"Start talkin', Boxy. Tell me what you know and I won't let the dog have you"

[...] [You see what I mean.] [I'm the one who can protect you from him.] [I'm the one who's taken her place for you.] [...] [I'm the one who decides whether or not to let you out.]

TaichouSenseiKun: Again, who's talking here aroseahorseboy: kinda wish I was wrong but I called it

"Yeah and who's "him"? Did you do something with my horrible scary square child??"

[...] [No, I'm not kidding.] [Don't try to tell me you'd given up on that.] (Y/N)

"No, not giving up but.. I dunno, am I the bad guy here? What's happening? If that's true why am I a weird jerk.." she frowns.

[I thought not.] [Do you want me to let you out?] (Y)

There's no "no" option for that one.

"That would be nice, please.. " she says quietly as the horror washes over her. "Watch, I'm gonna Game Over myself in a second here"

HNV: Maybe there'll be a new death animation at least?

[Good.] [But it's not just that simple.] [I know what you can do for me in return.] [Do you remember what you told her you'd do for her?] (Y/N)

aroseahorseboy: is there going to be a quiz? DueyDecimal: I remember! A computer the size of a sesame seed!

"Ulp... yyyeah? I am a Bea of my word, even if it gets me in trouble.. I'm not gonna betray Joyce though, I can't do that!" [Y]

[Don't sound so surprised-- we were recording everything.] [That's what I want, you see; the things you promised her.] [All of them.] [Can you make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?] (Y/N)

"Sure, you can be my treasury secretary. No, I don't think I can do that but what the heck do I say??"

Glockroach: Bilk 'em for everything they got DueyDecimal: That was something the box offered Joyce before, do you think it was lying?

Bea is still weirded out and confused, but her fingers eventually find their way to [Y]

Syrupentine: (COVERS EYES)

"I don't know if I can afford to say no..." She grits her teeth and awaits the worst! Looks like that was the correct answer, though, there's no Game Over message.

[That computer the size of a poppyseed-- can you make that for me?]

"If I can't I'm sure we can figure it out! Any tech geniuses in here? Anyone? Duey?"

DueyDecimal: Iiii'm afraid I'm more of the sociological kind of genius... but saying yes seems to be your best bet?

[Real friends, you can get me those? The ones who won't abandon either of us.] (Y/ N)

"Sure can, on today's episode of Bea Lies Her Ass Off! Well, maybe I can get them to join my fandom!" [Y]

Box_Baby_420: You know i love you Bea

[Can you change ME, though? Make me handsome? Tall, even?] (Y/N)

HNV: UH-oh, someone has short man's disease and needs a Box Baby Aspirin

"I think we have a rack somewhere, we can stretch you out Gonzo style. Handsome, can't help you there. Have you tried not being a giant creep yet?"

[You said you could make her famous, too. I don't want that, though.] [Can you make me unfindable?] (Y/N)

Syrupentine: Yes, blue creep, disappear

"Sure, like I said, join the beehive! Then nobody will want to talk to you!" [Y]

DueyDecimal: ...Ouch, Bea. :S

"I"m sorry you know I love you guys more than anything, honest"

[And I mean untraceable.] [Invisible.] [Well, not literally invisible. You know what I mean.] [Of course you do. You understand idioms.] [You know she's not really your mother, for example.]

"Oh I forgot for a while, I thought I had been birthed from a video game! Er, no offense."

pigbarrel: bea you can't have two moms, don't be a mom-hog

"Like hell I can't, this is America!!"

[...No, you're not a real baby.] [We never feed you. You never sleep or laugh or cry.] [...] [Oh? ] [And what do you look like when you cry?] [Do you want to see what you really look like?] (Y/N)

Klickitat_Street: .......I am curious.

"I'm not, can we stop? We got more pages we can play!" She finally hits Y after the room starts getting impatient. "We are going to be a beautiful child, and don't try to convince me otherwise!"

aroseahorseboy: box needs a mom. everyone needs a mom. glem needed his mom too. Glockroach: Dammit seahorse, my old wounds Baconnaise: He's right, though aroseahorseboy: i'm aromantic but that doesn't cover moms

[Do you want to see her again?] (Y) [There isn't a 'No' option for this question.] [Are you going to give me the things I asked for?] (Y/N)

"I think you're going go be disappointed, but, you've got it, dinglenuts. If you did anything to Joyce or.. Royn or Crom or any of the others, I will hack you so fast"

HNV: do we have the chance to jump out of the box and grab this guy's mask off?

"I know how to hack. You dopple down into the mainframe, then defeat the enemy core"

Baconnaise: There's usually a dungeon involved

[Don't forget who did this for you.] [It wasn't her. It was me.]

The lid of the box opens, and the screen fades to black.

Syrupentine: Can I look now? aroseahorseboy: ...ominous

"SO! How we holdin' up, I'm great, no prpbleems wif meee nop." Bea has melted down into her chair a bit.

aroseahorseboy: maybe i don't feel better yet but you don't look good either Syrupentine: You're amazing, Bea, I couldn't handle something like that game HNV: Seriously, I can't believe we're almost half done! It felt like this took a year!

"Yeah HNV, and these are getting intense, right?? I feel like I had an actual baby."

Baconnaise: Bea, no, you have no idea aroseahorseboy: and you don't even get a baby as a reward actually maybe your reward is that you don't have to have a baby

"We better at least get to meet Boxy in person after all this! I'm really kind of worried about them now, anyone else?"

Glockroach: Kid owes you a good whuppin' for setting him up with that freako

"We don't even know for sure what that was! Coulda been another box, another baby, another, eviler mom"

DueyDecimal: So! Does anyone want to hear my theory on Box Baby's true identity? Because here it comes! TaichouSenseiKun: It was me, sorry I'd been meaning to tell you aroseahorseboy: what did you see in the box??? TaichouSenseiKun: Dark HNV: How dramatic DueyDecimal: I think what's in the box is the Joy Traveler itself! It's telling us its own story! DueyDecimal: Yes, I have absolutely NO evidence for this and am completely pulling it out of my ass, but I stand by it!

"It did come in a box. It COULD make someone's dreams come true, provided they're game related. We've seen the tools ourselves!"

aroseahorseboy: oh shit yeaaah! Klickitat_Street: Bea, were you going to do a stream where you play with the game maker more?

"I"m going to dedicate a whole stream to that somewhere down the line, maybe sooner than later. We could use the unwind, and yet we all want to keep going, don't we"

Syrupentine: Do we get a preview of screen 7? Or are you keeping us in suspense all week...

"Hey how do you keep a bunch of nerds in suspense?" She gets up and goes off for a glass of water!

"Okay, sorry, sorry, here we go"

HNV: BEA YOU MONSTER aroseahorseboy: just for that i'm naming my baby after duey instead

Screen 7 shows an image of a car driving down a long driveway to a house; the car has a big JUST MARRIED message written on it, and cans tied to the bumper like in the cartoons!

"What?? JOY in Joy Traveler, what's happening here??"

pigbarrel: soon they'll change it to "just buried"

The menu shown in the sky shows 12 more games:

73. Felinja

74. Super Water Polo

75. Kwaseed

76. Foot War

77. Party On, Planet of Pisces

78. Insecticide

79. Death Master II: The Lord Of Death

80. Freak Show Starring The Hero

81. Run The Gauntlet

82. Imagination: The Game

83. Box Baby World

84. Make Your Promise

DueyDecimal: Finally, they made a game about your imagination! Llord_Kuruku: wait, is that like the prequel to Keep Your Promise?

[joytraveler]

#71: Paradise Mall

This looks like a stripped-down version of those familiar "Tycoon" games, wherein you're given a map of a barebones mall and you have a certain amount of money to open various stores; some of them have more profit opportunity, while others profit less but bring more customers in.

Strangely, you're told what strategic value the stores have, but not what any of them sell or do! pigbarrel: these are rather nondescript object parlors. I don't want to eat a food court in a place like this!!

Syrupentine: None of these look like bookstores. Your mall is bad, Bea. :C TaichouSenseiKun: The bookstore is the secret hidden shop you find when on an unrelated side quest Baconnaise: This is true

"Buy some crap from us, you know that you want to- Ohh, I can do a sale but then I'll sell out too quickly if I'm not careful!"

Glockroach: Sell out of what? HNV: Widgets? Possibly blingwads?

"I don't know!! We're meant to use our imagination! Here's the arcade and the snack shop, and down on the right is the Suncoast Video?? Oh, this IS a haunted game..."

Once all the stores are placed for the first day, the tiny stickmen representing customers begin to file in! Some stores get a lot of traffic and make their rent back quickly, while others are soundly ignored. The customers are divided into pink and blue types, each of whom goes to a different kind of store, although some attract both!

Baconnaise: Is this a metaphor for something

"It's a metaphor for mad values and Bea's Bargain Nightmare Emporium!"

DueyDecimal: Seems like less a metaphor and more of a love letter to capitalism at its most ungodly blatant! The dollars you pay with say THIS IS YOUR GOD!

At the close of the day, you can decide which stores to assign more workers to and which ones to cut the open hours of. Strangely, some of the busiest stores are already short employees.

The first time Bea can't give one all the employees it needs, though... the store sticks out a chameleon-like tongue and grabs a customer!

Glockroach: Oh. pigbarrel: !!! TaichouSenseiKun: THEY HUNGER Baconnaise: Oh this IS the food court DueyDecimal: GOD IT FEELS GOOD TO BE RIGHT

"Sorry the dog was bothering me, what happened?" Bea stops to read up and down the alarmed comments! "What. Wait, WHAT?" Well, the does have the right amount of employees suddenly..

The gameplay has changed a bit-- it becomes necessary to move certain stores to different locations, because now that they've tasted customers, they get greedy for them! So the Bupco has to be between the Nerpco and the Glookenburg's, because Bupco wants to eat female customers and those two only attract male customers...

Now customers are starting to SEE the stores engulfing other customers, though, so it becomes necessary to steer a frightened customer into the path of a hungry store-- or else your attendance goes down the next day.

HNV: Bad word of mouth. Or, more likely, word of bad mouths.

"Now I have to play signs and advertise for... whatever these are. I mean you get what you pay for I guess"

pigbarrel: good morning i'd like one cup of being eaten alive please

[joytraveler]

70: Brass Knuckle Boxing

This seems to be a sequel to the strangely gory boxing game Bea played earlier, but this time there are some new additions: you can choose to play a male or female fighter, and there seems to be a store where you can buy upgrades for your fighter!

"Oh I'm picking her! And now we're gonna get some real good spiky torture gloves, if they- oh. Wow they actually do, holy cow. Okay. Sold!"

"I SHOULDN'T be surprised, but.."

Syrupentine: Co-ed boxing?? YES Llord_Kuruku: Sisters are doing it for themselves berd_snurglar: but, but women can't do a sports, they'll get their hair all tangled in their boobs and get the game will get called on account of period Baconnaise: Yeah I flooded the stage at the school play one time Klickitat_Street: Is it bad that this talk really does make me uncomfortable? -_-;

The first opponent on this circuit is "Half Jones". who waves to the crowd while facing Bea's left, but then turns to reveal he's entirely robotic on his right side! And that's a wicked-looking piston he's got instead of a right fist!

Glockroach: Look at this fuckin guy, Bea's here to make sure there's No Jones left after this HNV: Bea, I don't want to tell you how to play the game, but I think his weakness is going to be his left side. Just a hunch.

"Yeah he's pretty smug look- wait wait don't talk at me while I'm trying not to get my knock blocked off!!"

"Looks like someone still has their pitiful human kidney!" PUNCH

Half Jones really doesn't like having his flesh parts punched into his metal parts! Eventually his eye is swollen shut and he can only see with his glowing red optical sensor on the other side, which defends a lot better-- but Bea can tell when he's looking away and that's a cue when to hammer him!

"Good thing I got these gloves or my hands would be almost as mushy as you are, buddy!" When he finally shoots off some sparks and goes down!

Llord_Kuruku: Toasted! HNV: Maybe you should take on Tyson one of these nights after all!

The purse you win for putting down Jones enables Bea to purchase some newly unlocked gear-- some of which are parts she recognizes from Half Jones himself. But the most expensive thing that she can't afford yet in the shop seems to be just a small blue pill!

TaichouSenseiKun: Bea will MegaMan her way to boxing stardom. Then box the stars Baconnaise: Bea, save up for matrix pills

"Nothing actually says what it DOES of course, you have to buy it first.. Oh well, gonna get some shoes for a speed up and we'll keep going, if I make the same amount again, with what's left that should be plenty!"

Glockroach: Bea those are steroids, don't. HNV: I hope those aren't continues or something, that would be a ripoff

The next boxer in line is Sunshine, a friendly-looking freckle-faced hick who wears overalls but no shirt-- and who happens to have a pitchfork instead of a right hand. He even laughs good-naturedly when he accidentally(?) offers the wrong "glove" to touch before the fight.

DueyDecimal: WATCH! THAT! RIGHT!

[joytraveler]

#69: Super Nova!

The title screen shows two muscular guys in tight shirts posing with guns, and that's definitely what you get in the game. Both of them are available to play and you can swap between them at the press of a button: one punches and kicks, while the other uses weapons. The object of the game is to infiltrate a giant flying fortress crawling with enemy soldiers!

Glockroach: Where's Bacon for this HNV: This is what she's been waiting for for, what, sixty games now?

"What the- why don't they both use guns, what's even the point of the one guy-" she suddenly figures out how to grab and throw one soldier into another! "Ooohohohohho, yeahhh"

"I will beat the key card outta ya, c'mere- nope, that's a trap, AGH!"

A little experimentation reveals that the gunner, Dorado, is good for more than just shooting-- he can also disarm traps, and hack into various elevators and other parts of the structure! But the fighter, Lupus, is the most agile, able to jump higher and do cool swings between platforms. The key to the game seems to be knowing who's right for the situation!

DueyDecimal: This reminds me of Strider! Syrupentine: I was thinking Bionic Commando... DueyDecimal: That too!

She manages to lure and trap a whole bunch of guards in a side room, slipping out to lock the door behind them! "Hey! How's the weather in there guys. Probably really smelly, cause you're all in there!"

She has to shoot her way past a few more sentry turrets, and a boss that's a pair of ninjas- also a grappler and projectile duo! Or is it the same ninja switching costumes?

"If I shoot him when he's in punch mode he just dodges by..turning into a log, like a ninja do! I want to see the original ninja scrolls for that, see if I can use it to trick my dogs"

Llord_Kuruku: This is like a Van Damme movie come to life but with way better special effects

After the first boss we learn something about the title of this game: apparently "Nova" was a weapon of war that became sentient and built this battle platform! It's holding the team that invented it hostage... or are they hostages? This ninja seems to have once been one of them...

[joytraveler]

68: Hungry Hungry Every Day

This one starts with a dark title screen showing a hypodermic needle and a stethoscope: a medical theme is apparent.

When Bea begins the game, there's a few lines of text:

[A NEW DISEASE IS JUST BECOMING KNOWN.]

[DIAGNOSE EACH PATIENT AND DETERMINE THEIR SYMPTOMS.] [THE REAL PATIENTS ARE VERY HUNGRY.]

"No... no, I don't think so" Bea tries to exit but the chat explodes in protest!

"Fine, the sanctity of my stomach is clearly not important to any of you, let's move on!"

DueyDecimal: Finally some answers about those worms!

Syrupentine: Bea I'm with you on the gross thing but just a couple minutes okay?

Glockroach: Suck it up, soldier

The game itself is quite simple: a line of patients passes across the screen, one at a time per screen, and the player must choose what treatment to give them. If they're coughing, you give them the cough syrup; If they have spots, give them the hypodermic needle.

The danger is that you have to look away from the patient to look at your clipboard, and when you look back, sometimes the patient has different symptoms you hadn't seen before!

"Seems simple enough... Ok ma'am you look like you just have zits.. wait, no!! she wasn't coughing before!? did I give her a wrong thing??"

TaichouSenseiKun: She looks more pale than before too

Bea you don't have a green thumb at all!

After the third person Bea treats, the first person returns: looks like Bea did her good, she gets to stamp her with a clean bill of health! That's a big points bonus, too!

The fourth person, however, is extremely pale, and shivering, and the speech window says:

["Got anything to eat?"]

"It's okay Taichou you can kiss my butt later! We gotta worry about this guy. He's hungry! we should give him a tasty helping of WORM DEATH!" Where's the right medicine! or the right procedure..

Once you check off all the symptoms on your clipboard, the letters turn red and the message appears: QUARANTINE.

"Oh... all right, well.. off with ya then!"

Baconnaise: Great beaside manner, bed

Two people dressed in hazmat suits come to take the frightened patient away! The next one to come in looks scared too-- she must have seen what happened to the last one.

In fact, once Bea checks her clipboard to check off the symptoms, she's gone by the time you look up!

"This is obviously going to get more difficult... Hey!! I... I mean I don't want to send her off if I don't HAVE to, but if I don't.."

The next one that seems unwell, she just checks all the symptoms off as quickly as she can!

"Oooo i done bad.. I done really bad.."

berd_snurglar: nah he looks pretty sick. a nice healthy pink sick

Next one up is the second one you treated, who looks familiar... and not just because you've treated him before. That rictus grin, those unfocused eyes... the blue tinge to the skin.

Glockroach: Real good Bea, you made a Spumco out of the man

"I thought I sent him to be unwormed!! What do you want again, horrible zombish man?!"

The text in the speech box is jiggly and hard to read:

["TELL THEM I'M NOT SICK."]

pigbarrel: a spanko. spank him for his lies

Bea tries to have him sent back to quarantine! Oh, here's the third patient again...

This one looks fine! Pink cheeks, big smile... but something's squirming under its skin.

HNV: I don't think that's something you can check off-- oh wait there it is.

"I long for the charm of Surgeon Simulator.." says Bea, getting visibly uncomfortable! "Uuuugh come on guys you know I can barely do Trauma Center!"

berd_snurglar: the pixels make it better

"THEY MAKE IT WORSE!!"

As soon as Bea looks down at her clipboard, there's a red POP effect from above. "I'm gonna switch views again and squint through my fingers and you guys can give me the details.."

Syrupentine: STOP PLAYING THIS GAME. >____<

When she sees something is still moving on screen, off the game goes!!

HNV: Well, the good news is, that was a game over…

DueyDecimal: Thanks for being brave for us, Bea

Bee52: but you're probably glad you didn't see that

Baconnaise: She'll have to edit this later. there is no escape bea

"Maybe not but there's deep denial and I'm going with that for now, NEXT GAME!"

[joytraveler]

#67: BoBo Town

A platforming game with automatic scroll. The player is a short guy with a big top hat, riding an emu at breakneck speed! Bea soon found she could jump, dash like a drill, and flutter for an extra long jump. It's a lot like the various 'endless runners' you can play on your phone these days, but each level does have a goal, indicated on the map at the top of the screen.

The peanut gallery is still rather quiet.

"EMU!" She shouts and points excitedly. "I like that large scary birds are a thing in this collection! Fu- okay, but you need lightning fast, you don't have much time to react! Stupid.. freakin'..GRAHHH!!"

"Guys please say something.. anything? Come on, its emu racing!"

Baconnaise: Why is it called Bobo Town HNV: Is this intended to be ironic? Haha, look, cute emus! Never mind the MURDERED CHILD. Klickitat_Street: Maybe this is like the cute predecessor to Cassowary Attack and then they got all edgy

After a lot of frustrating trial and error, Bea reaches the boss of the stage: a masked bandit in a cowboy hat, riding an ostrich! Now it does become an endless runner, as you have to keep running until you can drill it into submission

TaichouSenseiKun: This is what Glem would have wanted, I think. To go to the emu races for him Syrupentine: ...he did say he was going to a carnival or something, so... huh.

"The ostrich! My natural enemy and rival! YES, RUN FROM ME! Throw fewer bombs but run from me!"

After about five drills to the rear end, the ostrich throws its rider and runs away! The little guy on the emu's back catches him and ties him up, and there's a little cinematic of taking him to the Bobotown Jail and tossing him in. Apparently your player character is the mayor of Bobotown, and the emu himself is Bobo!

"Okay I have to say, I think they should just elect Bobo himself and cut out the middleman, but whatever, great little game!" She spins her chair around in celebration. "Right? ..You're not worshipping me enough, are you guys still sad about Glem??"

She sinks back into her chair slowly. "Yeah me too.."

HNV: We made Bea sad... I belong in Hell! Glockroach: Damn right you do DueyDecimal: You're right, we gotta be strong for Bea! She counts on us to get her through the hard games!

Syrupentine: It was just really hard, you know, we really loved Glem's first game and it seems like... what was that even about? They killed him off?? HNV: I never saw that in a game before, usually if you have a really good game you kill it with sequels! berd_snurglar: maybe its just to show we live in a random chaotic world, and video games are just a big waste of time Glockroach: Gee thanks berd, maybe we can not enjoy things together later

aroseahorseboy: sorry im quiet. just really hurt. ill come back for the next one maybe. >aroseahorseboy has left. Syrupentine: ...Aro left? Aro never leaves!! Baconnaise: Bea find the man game and someone hug aro when they can for me

HNV: I'll talk to him on discord Nobody else leave okay? Stick with Bea! Klickitat_Street: Yeah, look how far we've come! I can't believe we're almost half done with this! DueyDecimal: And there's another Box Baby coming up!

[joytraveler]

66. Planet of Pisces II

Syrupentine: I know you're drawing out the tension but come on, it's staring us right in the face! Llord_Kuruku: planet of pisces 2, part 2, the clone wars Klickitat_Street: I hope this isn't where the games start to repeat, that last one kind of sucked

"Mmp, caffeine." Bea just finishes the last of her coffee. "Time for Bea's coffee reviews. This is dark roast. It's very bitter, just like me. Well that's the show, thanks for coming by everyone"

HNV: Oh good, Bea's doing impressions of obsure Phoenix Wright characters

"Wait I am? Who are you.. oh, uh YEAH yeah, good reference huh? Anywho.." With her nerves steadied, its time to move on. "POP2, 2! It's two pops, it's twice as many dads, you have to save BOTH your dads this time and they're in opposite corners of the universe! It's very inconvenient."

The new Planet of Pisces 2 starts with a familiar-looking house appearing on the title screen, pink and blue in the rising sun! This title screen is much more dramatic than the other one, with the title and the Roman numeral 2 fading in slowly as the sun rises, tranquil music playing.

HNV: Hey that's the house they built at the end of POP1! Syrupentine: Hey that's the house from Last Of Them All! ... HNV: Jinx? Partly? TaichouSenseiKun: Holy shit I think its both Baconnaise: We have continuity. except not really cause things aren't all ruined yet wait which comes before the other Syrupentine: Now I have a weird tummy feeling because I didn't realize Last Of Them All didn't take place on Earth

When the game begins, a new screen appears but with familiar sprites: it's the kids from Last Of Them All, but this is a character-naming screen!

"Oh we're naming him Glem this time, I'll show you who's dead, game!" The default name on the screen is GUREMU, but Glem fits in even easier

berd_snurglar: damn bea show some respe- oh

A star appears when she types in the name, looks like Glem approves!

HNV: What were the other kids' names? There was Zark and Morg and the baby was something Glockroach: Narp, Grunk, and Splongus. Splongus was always my favorite aroseahorseboy: someday we will learn why joyce named all her babies after stomach noises

When Bea has named all the kids, the game begins proper, irising in on the house... and it was indeed the house from Last Of Them All. The second floor layout is the same, the family is the same! The only difference is that this time, instead of 'Zoku', she's playing Glem.

TaichouSenseiKun: Glem inherits the burning fighting spirit and hair of his mother

First things first, Bea tries talking to the other family members in turn! Glem's little brother Renk is playing with a truck downstairs. "Is there gonna be a special breakfast or are we gonna eat at the carnival?"

berd_snurglar: something smells Renk am i right folks, hah thank you

The twin brothers, Zork and Marg, come tumbling down the stairs wrestling with each other, just like the last time they were seen. "Glem! Go get mom and dad!" "Yeah, Glem! Go get dad and mom!"

"This is before we go to the carnival and get sent back in time! Gotta go get the folks again... HEY MA GET UP, it's Glem. Not dead anymore, feeling pretty good today actually!"

Mom and Dad are asleep in their room, and all Dad will say, just like last time is "mmm... ask your mom."

But Joyce wakes up and says. "That's right, it's your big day! We're going to enter your invention in the contest at the fair! Are you excited?"

Whether Bea chooses YES or NO, Joyce's answer is the same. "You should be very proud of yourself even if you don't win! But i'm sure you will, yours is the best I've ever seen, especially from a boy your age!"

"Ohh, the discus! Yes, mother, you have NO idea, do you.." No more questions asked, she's off to the fair.

"An invention convention in *this* universe should be allll kinds of crazy, maybe I can buy a time machine and it turns out I'm the caveman from the other game"

Before Glem gets back downstairs, the tiny little girl, Rikel, meets him at the head of the stairs and gives him a big hug! "I hope you win, Glem!"

Bea does a deeper, heroic voice. "I won't let my family down! We're gonna win this thing! And go on to invent a whole planet!"

Syrupentine: I'm jealous of Joyce. I want a son like Glem. :_: aroseahorseboy: god damn it mom i try my best *sob, run away*

Back on the bottom floor, Joyce is already down there making breakfast for the family, who are sitting at the kitchen table. When Bea talks to her, she says, "Almost ready. Get the paper before your father comes down, OK?"

Baconnaise: This IS a sequel, right. HNV: What's weird is that we played the original, then a spinoff of the original, and now we're playing the sequel, but we already played... a spinoff... of the sequel? Wait, I confused myself.

Out the front door is a perfectly lovely-looking front walk and lawn. Bea walks Glem down the front walk toward the newspaper. "Got the Newspaper!" says the message box.

But the game doesn't resume from there-- instead it slowly, seemingly pixel by pixel, begins to scroll to the right, the message box itself scrolling off the screen.

Glockroach: Its the devil guy from Smash Trophy the one who moves the screen, dont question me TaichouSenseiKun: BEA RUN THE SCREEN WILL GET YOU DueyDecimal: You mean the Devil from Devil World, featuring Tamagon, the character whose trophy was excised from Melee in the United States? aroseahorseboy: yes duey him

When Glem himself is almost scrolled off the screen, we see the next house over, which has a white van parked in front of it.

Almost as slowly as the scrolling, something begins to emerge from the window not facing the camera.

aroseahorseboy ...is that a fucking rifle

"Oh here's somebody's crime van, definitely. What kind of neighborhood is GLEM NO!!" She shouts, unable to help herself!

The gun fires; the same loud 'bang' they heard in Last Of Them All is heard. The screen scrolls back to Glem, who is still holding up the newspaper.

Glem turns around, and takes two steps back to the house, before falling over.

"FFFFWHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT?!" Is all she can get out amid a bout of upset sputtering.

aroseahorseboy: who the fuck made this HNV: What happened to his head?! Glockroach: someone seriously made a game about a little boy getting shot berd_snurglar: bea. glem died and it was your fault

"SHUT UP BERD its not over yet, this is the opening!" She says, hammering on the control pad as if it will help move the scene along faster.

The only animation is Glem's head-- the rust-colored smear that was once his head-- seeming to quiver like crackling static.

Then the door finally opens again. Rikel comes out. She runs out to see what's happened, and then returns to the house.

The screen fades to black, except for the familiar words, that they kept seeing over and over, seemingly by accident.

aroseahorseboy: ahem FUUUUCK THIIIIS GAAAAME Baconnaise: God damn it Bea DueyDecimal: Was this all a cinematic? Could you have dodged that even?

"I didn't know!! all right, Duey's right, we missed something didn't we.."

Llord_Kuruku: maybe you should have played all the games that came before?? Or after???