jpqn

[jpqn]

heart-beating: a romance in four seasons

summer. won't you show me your real heart? which beats in your chest as you dance in your kitchen to Tchaikovsky; which thuds behind your eyelids at four in the morning as the sun washes your bedroom walls with sweet pink light; which drums out that perfect rhythm, solid against the shuffle of your footsteps against the floor; which races when you give me that i-love-you— yes, i-think-i-love-you-back.

fall. (in) love, i do believe i fell for you that night when we tiptoed barefoot by the cold seashore and you told me about the ancient Greeks — the stories they wove about the stars your voice sounded like silver/ your arms felt like home. excuse me for the cliché, but your eyes belong in the sky a constellation linking your irises to the ground where i stand spellbound.

winter. oh, since november, you've been ice and frozen me along with you i'd like my heart back, darling for spring thaws frosted ground but never this glacial love no.

spring. ours could be a love story, yes but instead, it's a bittersweet standstill— two people hiding behind masks just large enough to conceal their sweet stubborn hearts.

[jpqn]

"on the edges of snow-flurries," 6 May 2014

I like the way you look in the bitter cold with the tips of your ears red I like it when you press your freezing palms to my neck beneath the scarf I wear to hide those marks you made with your teeth last night when we turned up the heat & piled covers up over bare shoulders & threw them aside when the heat of our chests swelled up too too hot & poured rum in our hot chocolate & talked about the kids we'll never have until "damn, it's cold" turned into "fuck me again on the couch on the floor in front of the mirror in your bathroom so I can watch the way we love cheeks burning thighs aching exhalations pulled from gritted teeth & the imprint of your mouth at the base of my throat blazing redder than the fire i started to keep you with me."

[jpqn]

"this kiss this kiss," 5 May 2014

what i'd give to be a kiss to fall upon the soft pillow of your lips to lie beneath the sweetness of your exhalations and be content— perfectly— to expire.

[jpqn]

16 April 2014

it's been raining since you left and it's raining in my head it's raining in the cold and empty space upon my bed

it's raining on my wrists oh, it's raining and i wish that it weren't raining on my neck the hot, white space you used to kiss

[jpqn]

15 March 2014

Think of me when you sink your teeth into tropical yellow rings that sting your tongue and bite back at your throat... Because when I swallow down sweet kneeling between your thighs tonight I will only be thinking of you

[jpqn]

kiss my lips so i can drink your insecurities and you can revel in the taste of mine

[jpqn]

"Whisper"

i've never been a fan of declarations so i'll whisper i'm in love with the way words fall from your lips and the touch of your fingertips on my skin and the heat of your breath on my neck and i'm sorry that i can only whisper

[jpqn]

"here we go go go again"

you leave fingerprint bruises on my wrist and neck and there are scratches on your face from my claws you smash bottles against the doorway and i threaten to leave but leaving is for strong women and i am made of paper and glass. every apology is halfhearted. every reconciliation means nothing but we end up tangled in bedsheets breathing heavy and empty inside i guess they're right when they say you're romeo and i'm juliet because we will destroy ourselves trying to love each other

[jpqn]

"why don't you ever take off that ratty jacket?" they ask. "don't you get hot?" they joke that i'm cold-blooded. they don't know what i hide beneath long sleeves. there's a boy who saw my arms, once, by accident and didn't say a word. just doused my wounds with alcohol and wrapped them in gauze and stayed with me when i broke down and threw away the blades i kept hidden in my pockets. he scrawled reasons to stay alive on scraps of paper and slipped them into my pockets to replace the razors. "for the way the air smells after it rains." "for singing along to trash music at the top of your lungs." "for watching the sun rise." "for me," "for me," "for me." i didn't touch a blade for months. he kissed the cuts and willed them to heal. slowly, they did. but when i see him kissing that girl, i stumble into a bathroom stall, light-headed and rip open geometric lines in my arm with a safety pin because it's all i have. i make slashes on top of the ones that have already healed. they joke that i'm cold-blooded but the blood that springs up is warm. it reminds me that i'm alive; i'm not sure i want to be.

[jpqn]

"empty rooms and quiet keyboards," 14 January 2014

January 25, 5:31 PM hey. i know you'll never see these messages but i really need to talk to you and this is kind of the same thing January 29, 12:04 PM my shrink says it's unhealthy, you know to keep chatting you like this but it's only been a month i can't let go that quickly. goodbyes were never my strong point. February 2, 3:15 AM hey. i'm not drunk. okay, i am a little. i've just been thinking we were together long enough that the curve of your smile and the exact color of your eyes have been seared into my retinas and it really sucks that i have to see you every time i close my eyes and i smell your cologne every time i take a breath even though you're gone. it's unfair. February 2, 3:17 AM come back. February 2, 4:01 AM that's stupid, i know you can't come back. but do it anyway please? February 4, 11:59 PM they say the first sign of insanity is talking to yourself but i think it should be talking to dead people because at least when you talk to yourself, you might get a response February 5, 12:27 AM remember that kid from minnesota? oh god he was barely fourteen years old remember when that kid killed himself and it was all over the news? remember how you sat down at the breakfast table and said you'd never do that said you'd never bring that kind of pain to the people who love you? you lied. February 5, 1:48 AM i'm sorry. you're not a liar. i'm not angry at you anymore. February 12, 11:23 AM it was snowing that day i remember because you were always so happy whenever it snowed i called you about it, actually. ten or eleven times you didn't pick up. i kept getting your voicemail. i still call your phone sometimes i've memorized the stupid little message you recorded before the beep. (is that creepy?) February 13, 9:17 AM that girl from the office the one who used to stick bible quotes on my desk while i was away for lunch and make subtle hints that i'm going to hell you know the one she looked at me with the stupidest fucking expression today, pity or some shit. i put salt in her coffee. it's immature, but i thought you might find it funny. February 13, 9:39 AM "i thought you might find it funny," i say, as if you're still alive February 14, 10:40 PM how did you see the lights and the trees and the fog of your breath in the air and decide none of it was worth staying? how did you look at me and the way i held you and decide to leave me behind?

[jpqn]

"before//after," 5 February 2014

before you no boy ever called me pretty or told me he wants me before you no boy ever held my hand like he wanted everyone to see before you i never felt loved i never felt worthy never.

before you i didn't know visible hipbones were a requirement for beauty before you i didn't know what alcohol smelled like on the hot breath of a body too heavy for me to fight off before you i didn't know how to cover up a bruise with skin-colored powder so my coworkers wouldn't stare before you i didn't know "stupid bitch" was a term of endearment

after you i realized that you could never have loved me enough no one could after you i learned that girls are not sex toys punching bags possessions and wondered why no one had bothered to teach me that three wasted years ago after you i decided the only person who can love me enough is me.

[jpqn]

5 March 2014

i am happy for you spit the words out like seeds ball fists up at sides fingernail half-moons to keep from spinning out grit teeth till ears ring, hum under pressure.

i am happy for you over twist of gut over ruby wrath emerald envy sapphire sorrow

i am happy for you.

[jpqn]

When I am with him in his bed, I place my hand against his ribs. I know every valley and hill of bone, memorize his heartbeat on my palm. And afterwards, when we are lying beside each other, chests rising and falling in unison, I kiss him. My lips brush against his temple and he sighs softly.

When I find him in bed with another man, I know exactly where to aim my knife to lodge the blade between his second and third ribs. And when he falls to his knees, it takes me one shot to hit my mark on the side of his head — as if my lips had left a target — with the searing heat of a bullet.

When I wrap my hands around the bars of this cell, it almost lets me forget about the warmth of his skin and the burn of his blood on my fingertips.

[jpqn]

"Supernova," 8 January 2014

i want to sit you down

and tell you everything i know about the universe

so when i press my lips against your skin

you know i am kissing stars

and when i touch you

i am running my fingertips over the galaxies

that have danced for eternities to form you.

and when i hold you

we are two opposite ends of the cosmos

atoms clashing

in a fire-hot, blinding-white

deafening-loud

supernova.

[jpqn]

Fire is the burn of your fingertips on my shoulder and the red heat that seeps into my cheeks when you kiss me. You brand me with your teeth. I think I like it. You trace the tip of your tongue along the marks my jeans left on the insides of my thighs like flame climbing up a curtain. Flick up, up. Don't stop. There. Oh, god, you're setting me on fire. I think I like it. An acid burn crawls up my throat when you call me worthless, when you stay out with her, when you sear my cheek, red-hot, with the back of your hand. Your apologies glint like sunrays on dull glass, go down thick and sweet like cough syrup: "I'll never do it again"; "what was I thinking?"; "I love you more than anything." I think I like it. Sometimes I want to let you consume me, to swallow me up in your toxic warmth until I am ashes in your palms. Sometimes I want to close you off, smother you until you fizzle out. Until you can't singe me, can't catch on the ends of my hair and follow me up to my scalp. Sometimes I cry hot tears when I'm alone. I'm supposed to like it. I empty the box I kept of you onto the concrete and dress you — the mix CDs and two-day-late Valentine's Day cards — in black. Fire!— blue and green, nibbles at the inky edges of old photographs. I can finally warm my hands on the flame I've set on you. I think I like it.