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[julia-ana11]

New Day, Same Problems

The days all blur together at this point. It’s the same routine everyday. Wake up to the sounds of my many alarms. Sleep through my Zoom classes. Finally lift my large body out of bed. Look at the clock only to realize I’ve slept half the day away. I hate that I am wasting my life away but I revel in it briefly, happy that I was able to skip breakfast and lunch. I muster up the energy to take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed into another pair of pajamas. Normal things that I force myself to do nowadays. I promise myself I’ll wait until 5pm to eat something light. Then 3 pm hits and my stomach growls. I desperately guzzle down water. My stomach feels bloated and the liquid inside sloshes with every movement I make. My will begins to break as I smell the food my mom is making in the kitchen. They call me to eat, and I can’t refuse. I force myself to imagine that the food is disgusting. But, in reality, it’s not. It’s delicious. I shovel more and more forkfuls into my mouth until I’m utterly stuffed. As soon as I come down from my food high, the panic sets in. Why did I eat that? I’m so stupid. I hate myself. I immediately regret my dumb decisions, fueled by irrational thoughts. I wallow in self pity, neglecting my weeks worth of assignments. I reassure myself, tell myself a lie to make myself feel better. I say that I won’t eat for the rest of the day. This seems to work until suddenly it’s 9pm, and my damn stomach betrays me once again. The incessant growling distracts me from my work. I put headphones in to drown out the noise, drink a gallon of water to satiate my hunger. I can’t take it anymore. I go to the kitchen, tell myself I’ll grab a yogurt or a banana. But I don’t want those things. I need those things, yes, but what I actually want are the bags of chips on the counter. My body lets me down and I eat everything within reach. My mind screams at me but my tastebuds are excited, delighted by the taste of my favorite, calorie filled foods. After my episode, I shamefully clean up after myself, leaving not even a crumb so as to not let my parents find out. But they know. They see me growing larger everyday, see me hide underneath oversized shirts and sweatpants. They know but I pretend to not believe that they do. My delicate state of sanity would be shattered if I admitted that people can see my body and can see the damage I am doing to it. After cleaning up after myself, I futilely try to repair the damage, do some workouts. The fat hanging off me does me no favors. I am sweaty and disgusting after five minutes. I once again give up, just like everything else I do in my life. I take another shower and have a pity party for myself, even though I know that I am the source of all my problems. My work is not yet done, so I stay up late, desperately trying to keep control of at least one thing in my life. The clock reads 3 am. I am exhausted. I climb into bed and scroll on TikTok. I am bombarded by pretty and skinny women, girls that I know I will never look like but I can help but strive towards it. My eyes grow heavy and my last thought before succumbing to sleep is, I will do better tomorrow. I go to bed and the cycle repeats. Day after day after day. This insufferable routine keeps me trapped in a hell of my own doing. But this is all I’ve ever known. This thin line between starvation and binging. The only question I can ask myself is: “will it always be like this?”However, I don’t want an answer. I don’t want to accept this life forever. But I’m scared of change. So I will live in my routine until I can’t anymore.

[julia-ana11]

Attempt Number 23345345253 of Trying to Get Skinny

The last time I posted on here I legitimately was 10 pounds lighter than I am now so I NEED to get my shit together before summer. I refuse to go yet another summer with this disgusting body of mine. I just want at least one summer where I have a body I’m not ashamed of, a body that will actually look good in a swimsuit. I just want to be pretty and I feel like I keep getting farther and farther away from that. That’s why I’m determined to do better this time. I WON’T let this be another failure. If anyone wants to send me meanspo pls be my guest. For every note this gets I’ll make it my goal to lose that many pounds. If anyone wants to hold each other accountable, pls send me a dm!!! Mini rant but I’m going to be trying to post more on here, at least to keep myself accountable. 

[julia-ana11]

my ultimate thinspo

[julia-ana11]

So I need help

Thought I would give the whole “for every note I get...” thing 😂

So for every note this post gets, I’ll run a mile, do 15 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, and 5 squats 😬

Please please help me out here I actually have reached a breaking point and I need to get this weight off me as soon as possible 😭

[julia-ana11]

I’m falling apart

I’m in such a bad place rn and tbh Idk what to do. I just found out today that I’m not going back to college because my school decided to move to online classes due to the coronavirus and exposure and the like which I completely understand. However, this is really bad for me.

At college, I did pig out a lot but I at least had my roommate to help me make good decisions and I really monitored what I ate. Monitoring what I ate didn’t necessarily mean eating healthily (cuz I’m a fat bitch lol) but I at least had a rough estimate of what I ate and how many calories I would eat in a day.

Since I got back for “break” I completely threw that out the window. I snack SO MUCH it’s literally disgusting. I tried the first day I got back to eat healthy and make an effort to go for a run but I’m lazy to my bones. It doesn’t help either that at college I can walk wherever I want while here if I want to go somewhere not only do I need my mom’s permission but I have to share a car with her so like I basically stay coped up in my room all day and only come out to eat.

LIKE UGHHHHH

I weighed in today and I weighed 161!!!

THATS THE HIGHEST I HAVE EVER WEIGHED IN THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF

I have no filter or motivation and it’s making me so upset because I know I don’t want to look like this when summer comes around and now that I’m stuck at home for another five months until I go back to school (on campus) I’ll be showing my family and all my friends from home my disgusting self. I’ve never been skinny but I sure as hell looked better than what I look like now :/

Idk can someone please send me thinspo/meanspo to encourage me to get my shit together?? also is anyone willing to have an ana buddy? I don’t have really any requirements except that you be willing to talk to me occasionally and convince me to try to lose weight!! pls DM if interested!!!!

[julia-ana11]

I’m back

So I’ve had a really fucking stressed out week which has been an all around mess tbh. I finished both of my exams but I don’t think I did too hot on either of them 😩

Ngl tho, I’m just happy that it’s over with. I just wanna go home for spring break and finally get some good sleep (+I wanna manage my eating way better)

So for the last few days I’ve been binging. Like A LOT. I’m talking McDonalds, fries, cookies, etc etc. Yesterday in particular was so bad because I binged at around 3pm and then I went back to my bs and purged and then it was like 1am and I had been studying for hours so I ended up getting a crap ton of food from McDonalds which really fucked up my body and my bank account 😬

So what I’m going to do now since I literally can’t stand how I look is I’m going to start writing what I eat every day for some semblance of accountability. I think I’m gonna intermittent fast 18-6 and have my eating window between 12-6pm everyday. I’m not gonna follow any particular diet right away but I’m gonna try and eat below 800 calls everyday. I think this is pretty good and I’m gonna try and exercise everyday for at least 2 hours to burn more cals.

So tomorrow is DAY 1! I’m kinda excited and nervous cuz at home there is so many good foods to eat so I’m worried that I won’t be able to stay below my cal limit but I’m excited cuz I really want to be thin or at least healthy 😩

For next week, because I’m going to be home with my scale, I’m going to also weigh myself everyday along with putting my cal count up so I can garner some motivation that way 😂

Anyways, this is hella long as usual but I’m glad to be back!

[julia-ana11]

✨I’m a Failure ✨

So I broke my fast.... already....

I’m literally so disappointed with myself. I wasn’t even hungry and I was about 23 hours in to my four day fast when my boyfriend, my roommate, and my friend wanted to go eat dinner at like 10pm. I wanted to go just to keep them company without actually eating anything (meal plan- no cost to me).

So I went to the cafeteria with them and I saw my arch nemesis- GRILLED CHEESE. I am literally a whore for grilled cheese idkkkkkk like I would kill someone for the cheese crunchy goodness 🤤

Anyways, I was originally gonna not get it cuz I didn’t wanna spoil my hard work but I was feeling down and kinda jealous at that point (that’s another story) so I basically said fuck it and ate TWO grilled cheeses!!!!

Like WTF is wrong with me??? And this was literally like an hour after I cried by myself in front of my mirror cuz I hate my body so I just don’t understand why I would sabotage it like this??

I guess one miniscule good part about this is that because I didn’t eat all day and I have a exam tomorrow, I’ll have energy to study. But like I’m def not gonna do well on the exam anyways so I really didn’t accomplish anything today except lose my progress, not study for my exam, and probs gain another five pounds 😫

Imma make a diary entry later is anyone cares but I really gotta rant about things cuz quite frankly my life is a mess atm 😭

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY

I got this. I will not do what I did today again. I will get skinny even if it kills me.

[julia-ana11]

Day 1:

I kinda already did this with my post yesterday but I guess here we go!

Stats:

5’1 (short af lol)

~160 lbs

[julia-ana11]

Whoop

IM HUNGRY

what a surprise lol😂 I’ve only been fasting for like ten hours or so and I’m already hungry. I think this has something to do with how little sleep I got last night. I got literally about 45 minutes of sleep cuz I went to sleep at 6 for some reason????? And I had to wake up at like 7 am for my four hour chemistry lab :/

Im really struggling rn because I know that I have to study but I’m exhausted 😩 my only comfort is food and it’s so easy to get around here cuz I live on campus and the food market has so many unhealthy options :( what makes it worse is that I don’t have to pay real money because I have a meal plan with a certain amount of money to spend on food so I take advantage of it a lot 😔

Anywaysssss, I’m just going to try and just drink water and get thru the day cuz I know the first and second day of fasting are the hardest! Also, would anyone be ok with me just kinda venting about my life? I’ll make a separate post from my actually weight related stuff but this kinda acts as my diary tbh lol😂

[julia-ana11]

Just started my fast 😬　

I know it’s 2:15 am but u have to start at some time right 🤪😂

I know it’s not healthy but my roommate and I both have really disordered eating habits (she has similar experiences with Ana) so we are doing the fast together. I might not be able to finish the fast because I have two tests, one on Wednesday and one on Thursday.

University is kicking my ass atm and I really need to do well so I’m studying like crazy and I might need energy so I’ll probs snack on an apple or something if I feel like I can’t go on anymore....

I’ll keep my fast status updated! I’m not comfortable enough to post body check images (before photos) cuz I don’t want people to know what I look like irl and cuz I share a room, it would be a little awk if my roommate walked in on me taking semi naked pictures of myself 😂

OH

If anyone is good at Biology 2 or Chemistry 2 at a university level pls help me if possible 😔👉🏽👈🏽

I’m legit not gonna pass my classes at this rate 😂

😳✌🏽

[julia-ana11]

So I’ve been on here for about a year and a half now but I’m one of those people who just stares at thinspo for hours without actually posting anything so I guess this is a new beginning and my way of saying hi? Idk lol

So facts about me:

I’m 18 and in college

I’ve had an undiagnosed “eating disorder” since my junior year of high school (eating disorder in quotes cuz I’m still trying to convince myself that starving myself , aggressively counting calories, crying at the sight of my naked body in the mirror while alone, and staring at skinny people on tumblr for hours isn’t all just me acting out or seeking attention and I’m not just making it up)

I lost about 20 pounds before a year ago but tried to take a healthier approach which quickly got derailed in college

I’m now at my heaviest and I’m determined to stick through it this time and lose this stupid nasty weight

Stats:

5’1

CW: About 160 lbs (~72.6 kg)

GW 1- 155 lbs (70 kg)

GW 2- 150 lbs (68 kg)

GW 3- 145 lbs (66 kg)

GW 4- 140 lbs (64 kg)

UGW -120 lbs (54 kg)

Goals and Planning:

So to get to where I want to be, I’m going to start a four day fast 😬

I’ve been binging for the last four days for no other reason other than the fact that’s I’m a slob who, even when I’m not hungry, will devour anything put in front of me🤦🏽‍♀️

I’m going to try and reset my system and see if that works!! I’m going home for spring break on Friday so I’m going to finally have access to my scale so I’m super excited but really nervous :/.

My main motivation is to lose about five pounds during my week long stay at home. I’m trying to reach GW 1 by March 17th. My ultimate wish is to get to at least GW 3 by May 24th cuz that’s when I’m going to a BTS concert with my boyfriend for the first time!! I want to look good and pretty cuz it’s going to be my first concert ever! I’m so excited!!!

If anyone is interested in BTS or kpop in general message me cuz I love it sooooo much!!!🤩

Anyways, this post is hella fucking long so if u took the time to read all this THANK YOUUUUU!!!! I’ll try to post my progress every day!! 💕

[julia-ana11]

pretty much all apply, especially gw being far away fml lol

looking for some blogs to follow!

reblog if…

➥ you’re 14-16

➥ your sw was 150+

➥ your ugw is around 130

➥ your gw is far away :(((((((((

➥ you’re not pro, just using tags

➥ your friends include ana, mia, and ed

➥ you live in the washington metro area (or dmv)

whether only one applies, or all of them apply, i’d really appreciate people rebloging!! 

[julia-ana11]

pretty much all tbh lol

follow and reblog for a follow back🌿💗

since i’m not following anyone yet and want more stuff on my dash, reblog and follow if any of these apply to you:

• you’re 15+ years of age

• your weight is 90 - 220 lbs! your weight doesn’t define you❤️

• you love shane dawson

• you never do any homework

• you post daily

• you watch lots of netflix/youtube

• you’re male, female or anything inbetween

• you want to make new friends

[julia-ana11]

I’m praying this works :)

[julia-ana11]

I have all of these except active thinspo blog but I’m working on it lol 😊 

Hi! My blog got deleted and right now i wanna make more friends here on my new blog so

So can you do me a favour and reblog or like if two of this or more fit you!

🌸 you are under 18

🌸 you still live with parents

🌸 you are pretty short (5'1~5'3)

🌸 you are vegetarian or vegan

🌸 you like k-pop

🌸 you have an active thinspo blog

🌸 you love reading and watching series

🌸 you are pro recovery but not there yet

🌸 you are looking for ana buddy or just friend

I will follow back everyone, please, let’s be friends! Love you 💗

[julia-ana11]

Everything’s fine

That feeling when you’ve always been the “fat” “chubby” “big-boned” “thick” one and you’ve tried a million different diets and have finally resorted to starving yourself to make yourself happy and your dad notices you not eating and says “I’m so proud of you for taking control.”

I love when my friends and family notice my hunger, my not eating and chalk it up to just “doing better”.

No one will ever care if I don’t eat because I’m the fat one.

That’s motivation on why I want to keep going forward. To push myself. For myself.

For all the times I’ve cried because of my weight, cried about how other people see me, how I see myself.

All I know is I will get skinny.

Whatever it takes.

[julia-ana11]

I’ve got all cept for GW under 100 cuz UGW for me is 115 but that could def change lol

REBLOG

If you have 3 of these min :

-are under 18

-still live with family

-had a super fucked up childhood

-started out at 130+

-GW of under 100lbs

-wants mutuals/friends etc

-IS FRIENDLY !!

Need mutuals desperately, will try to follow everyone that reblogs xx