justhiddlesss - Tumblr blog

[justhiddlesss]

Post Resignation Feels~

Hi...

It's me again... I just got out from a toxic work environment. And it really feels good! And I don't really got a time to take a break and rest since I'm abroad.. We need to pay bills and rent, unfortunately..

SO... by God's grace, I found a job here! and just right after I resigned, I immediately started by new job.

I really never knew that I will be selected for that position, cause I applied for that job as my last resort since I'm not getting any offers. I tried applying in Ireland, not the Lord's will. Tried applying in numerous resorts in the Island, still, not the Lord's will. I was so ready to go home, pack my things and leave the Island for good. But then, the advertisement for a "Financial Controller" position came- which mind you, I don't have any experience of, but still I applied and gave it a shot. I was interviewed the day Mj left the Island and went to the Philippines to study. I really gave up hoping that I will get selected since I haven't heard from the HR for more than a week. Then to my surprise, I received an email for the offer letter. I was shocked, amazed, and terrified at the same time.

I came from audit. I've been in audit for more than 5yrs now, then switching to Accounting and a higher position in accounting is very scary. I know how to supervise people, but they are younger than me!! or they are about as the same age as me!! but now, it's different. I'm the youngest of them. The worst part? There's no control in place. So, I need to come up with controls at the same time supervising and doing accounting job. ON TOP OF THAT, I said in the interview that I have a "logistic industry background", but then... it's not really a shipping company T_T I'm so doooommmmmmed..

*sigh* I've been stressing this feeling for more than 2 days now. Then tomorrow I will have a meeting with the directors. I'm so pressured boi. I'm overthinking to the point I'm looking for other jobs to apply in the Philippines. I'm also checking my budget that if I only stayed up until this day, how much savings will I get. I don't know the process, I don't know anything. No one's teaching me anything.

But you know, give me a break, cut me some slack, I've only been in this new job for 5 days and I'm ridiculously overthinking. I'm really wondering what is the Lord's purpose why HE ALLOWED ME TO BE IN THIS POSITION???

Like I prayed for this job so much. I cried every night asking God to land me in a better working environment in my next job, since I came from a very traumatic work culture, I want my next employer to be a blessing to me, to be kind and God-fearing. I don't know. Did I just accept it since I have no choice or is it really God's blessing?

Lord, I trust you and I know you never fail me ever since Day 1. Give me your wisdom and boldness please. Help me to oversee and supervise these people. T_T be with me Jesus. So help me God.

[justhiddlesss]

Birthday

This is so stupid. Up until now, I still can't move on HAHA. WTH.

I feel so stupid and so cringey. I don't even want to remember it but an IG story is all I ever need to bring back that awful feeling.

This is so petty. Anyways, the story began when Girl 1 arrived in the Island. I was still active in church at this time since everything's still quiet. I was the first one to approach her and accompany her to meet the other church members. To cut the long story short, she called me her "GBF in the Island". We shared a lot of stuff, even the NSFW. I was very open to her, not until I became inactive at church. There was an issue spreading in the church that caused me to not attend regularly. She was still there ofc. However, as time goes by, our friendship also became aloof. She became more friends with the ex of my man. To have a short background, I'm also a bit close to her. But they were becoming closer. Up until her secrets are safe with her already and not me.

The pain and the awkwardness began on the day of her birthday. June 2023. I greeted her so happily. Saying she's my GBF in the Island, etc. She re-story it, but her reply was just, "Thank youu mwa.".

The thing with me is, I expected the same energy from her for my birthday (side note: I also greeted the ex of my man in IG), thus I expect them to greet me the same on my birthday. BUT boy, I was so wrong. Only 2 people greeted me on my birthday, and 1 person was delayed. 1 friend in college, 1 friend in HS, and my man.

Boy I was so hurt. HAHA up until now. I saw her story greeting someone from the church. If she can do that to them, why not do it also to me?

Since then, I promised to myself, I will never greet anyone in my IG story except for my man.

I'm tired of exerting so much effort and time for a person and yet you don't receive the same energy from them.

I'm still in good terms with her/them. BUT in my book, they're cut off as friends.

[justhiddlesss]

Weekend

It's been a year ever since I wrote my thoughts here in tumblr. I got busy with my work, my studies, my relationship, and my own life. Although, I have a lot to report to this platform, don't worry, all of them are beautiful. Even if M and I fight, we all sort it out at the end of the day.

I have been in this Island for a quite some time now~ 1.5yrs to be exact. Another 3-5 months then I'm out. I was in a crisis for job hunting, to the point all 15 of my application got rejected. I was so discouraged and down to the point I'm afraid to apply again because of rejections. But thank God for my family and M. They're the ones who encouraged me with God's words to keep pushing and praying for me to land on a suitable job with a God-fearing boss. There's that.. I'm still looking for job here in the Island or even outside. But there's no luck yet. I'll keep on praying..

Aside from the job hunting, I got busy with my studies. I enrolled in a CMA course in the Philippines. It was really expensive and I'm not even reviewing for 3 weeks now. I also got my hands occupied with our current trip to the US as well as my additional hobby now which is vlogging. Did I also mentioned that I'm currently enrolled in a Nihongo 101 Class too? Yeah, your girl is busy-busy.

Oh yeah, today's May 19, Sunday, 12:15nn. Three days ever since M left. I was anticipating that day to come to the point I ready myself for the worst possible scenario~ cry in the airport, which I didn't. I said to myself, this is bearable, but now, it's the opposite.

"Ganito pala yung feeling ng weekend pag wala ka." I told him in a chat.

He's not responding yet since he's enjoying his family's company in Olongapo. After I said that, I snapped and teared up. Don't get me wrong, I love solitude. I love being alone, that's why I said to myself, "this is bearable", but boy it's just 3 days and I'm feeling this way.

My other colleagues have their own way of living and I don't want to disturb them; church is not the same, and my work is the worse.

I hope this feeling will not last. I hope to help myself and allot some time to mingle with other people, but without him, it's difficult since I did most things with him.

Maybe it will be just like this for the mean time. Just for the mean time..

[justhiddlesss]

My most hated boss

I've always felt hate towards my HR Partner. But while talking to him earlier I felt something different.

He was the Partner that's really a pain in the a**. He micromanages, he gets upset over small things, he is so petty, he doesn't compliment nor appreciate your hard work, and he always says negative words throughout your work. He's the worst.

Most of my time spent with him is so draining-- emotionally and intellectually. I mean how would that person be a source of motivation if you hear nothing but complaints?

He's one of the reasons why I wanted to resign from the firm. Why I wanted to go back to the Philippines. Why I always cry when I get home. Why I took 1 week's leave just to be alone and be in my house.

But earlier, he went to my area and asked me if I have 2 mins. And in my head, I said, "Oh I know where this is headed".

We spoke for like 15-20mins about how I'm not monitoring and supervising the staff well. I explained myself but he seem to be so adamant about accepting my reasons (he's like that even before). Then he keeps on talking, and there was a time when he excuse himself to go to the restroom. That's the point where I started to pray. I'm really frustrated with this situation. There was no time nor moment where I win a conversation with him. It's pretty interesting because I initially prayed, "Lord, let me win this one".. then the Holy Spirit convicted me and I changed it to "Lord please help me to be polite, respectful, and loving.. give me your wisdom to say what I should say". Cause mind you, there are times when I can't find the exact word to say in English but in Tagalog I can say it loud and clear.

So when he comes back, he started murmuring again, then suddenly I felt this compassion towards him. The Lord gave me a discernment that the reason why he always talks to me about the things he complains, it's because he has no one else to talk to. He has no family, no kids, no partner in life. He's 50+ years old. And instead of me talking and explaining myself to him, the Lord allowed my emotions to subside and set aside my sentiment. I just listened to him all throughout his discourse. My mood changed, and so as his. We ended the conversation well, and in the end, I still thanked him.

Maybe next time I can share Jesus with him. Who knows?

[justhiddlesss]

Yameru!!

This shouldn’t be happening in the first place. Tin, please stop. That’s a little brother!!!!! Mas bata pa siya kay Dennis!!!! We can’t, esp mag-aaral pa siya sa US ng medicine. Mygash Tin. Don’t catch feelings for this guy.

Story time~ it was my first church attendee, Nov 5, when he first caught my attention. He was playing the bass, and at first, alam ko na na bata to. Then he started greeting us, he’s very kind and jolly person, not to mention, very talented~ kumakanta, sumasayaw, all around sa instruments. We also share the same interest, anime, marvel, personality (being introverted), etc. He’s also attractive. I wouldn’t say “handsome” since he’s not a head-turner. But girl, when he cut his hair, girl, hahahhaha I went super crush on him. His new hair cut complements him. I jokingly say he looked like 34yrs old because from his looks and the way he acts, he doesn’t seem to be 18!!!! Yeah, he’s 7yrs younger than me.

We started talking in messenger, it was just casual. Not really special. Not until it was a continuous conversation. Like we say goodnight to each other, we share diff hobbies, anime and stuff. He even gets in my nerve. Mapang-asar siya. But yeah in the end he calls me “Ate Kris”.

Then just last night, I couldn’t sleep, I just slept around 4am and guess what, I dreamed of him. It was just ăn ordinary dream, I went to his place to grab some coffee, he was making it the traditional way, his place was messy but very nice. Then another scenario came when my brother and him talked, they complement each other haha like really. Them last scenario came, it was a cliff diving but I can’t dive since I’m scared. All I did was sat and there was another man wanting to touch my legs and I was moving sidewards so he couldn’t reach me, until I bumped to him, and he grabbed my legs as if he’s my boyfriend and as a way of protecting me.

This is insane. This is madness. Lord I can’t. This should be a “happy crush” only. I can’t have anything more than that.

[justhiddlesss]

“Maaari bang bumalik sa Umpisa?”

I was so tempted to write on that journal again. My last letter was dated March 25, 2018, 4years ago. I wrote that’s my last letter and I will never write again since “I’ve moved on”. But behold, I’m writing in tumblr instead haha. It’s the same thing.. I guess.

Earlier, I decided to read your letters to me again (letters in a bottle). And for what reason I started crying. When I read “Wag kalimutan kausapin sila tito at tita, kaya mo yan.” You were very supportive back then. I didn’t saw your worth, until now- 5years later. 

We broke up May 2017. I wish I can be as happy as I am like the last letter I wrote in that journal. “I hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you better than I do”. Maybe you did no? How I wish I can be happy now. The sad thing is, I also have someone right now. And I always compare you to him. I admit, he’s not the same as you, he’s not the sweet type who write me letters, clingy, loyal, etc.

I’m really convinced you’re my soulmate. And it breaks me because I know we’re not getting back together. We’re growing old, we’re in this era of getting married,  having a family, traveling, career etc. One thing is certain, if my current ask me if will I marry him, my answer would not be yes or no, it’s “I don’t know”. Should I settle for this?

It’s silly of me because I’m still holding on the day that we can be together again. I told myself, 6years ago, December 26, 2018~ we can be together again. But  no. I’m also afraid if I will break up with my current, it will turn the same scenario as you, where I will regret in the end why did I broke up with him.

I want you again. How many nights will I ever dream of you again? How long will I be sane thinking I can be with you again? Do I really want you? Or I’m just missing the idea of you? Since you’re better than my current?

How ambitious of me. I don’t want to ruin somebody else’s relationship. But one thing is for sure, my current and I are not the end game.

Every night, I’m thinking if you feel the same. Are there days where you want us to be together again? Hindi ba sumasagi sa isip mo ‘yun? Kahit minsan? Do you love her that much? Are we a “One more chance” or “Starting over again”? Will you propose to your current sooner or later? Are you really that serious of her? Did she really saved you from being broken because of me?

Maaari ba tayong bumalik sa umpisa? Upang di na umasa ang pusong nag-iisa..

Pasensya ka na, sa mga kathang-isip kong ito, wari dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo.

I’m so selfish. I know. But I guess, I just want to blurt it out.

Am I really leaning on “Kung tayo, tayo”? If not, I just want to meet someone like you or even better.

I hope to meet you again. Someday, somewhere, if fate allows. Then let it be.

[justhiddlesss]

Wow

I dreamed of something unusual. I believe I’m in a book- I’m part of a book that’s been written a long time ago by a girl. She’s narrating her story, and whenever there’s someone to intervene purposefully, he/she will say something very deep and meaningful. And the plot twist is, every person that intervenes is also her. It’s her subconscious mind telling her about the things she was/wasn’t able to do. And that gives her strength and meaning to rethink her life. It may be on a bus, in school, at work.

I remember a scene from my dream, I was on a bus, and there was a little boy who came to the bus and said something meaningful to me. The next scene is in a School. A lot of people are asking me if they could try the food that I’m eating since they believe that the food I’m currently consuming is dirty and the place is dirty. I told the first group of people, “Yeah their food is really delicious” but when the second group of people came “I told them this is only my first day”. This is something else, the first one judged me for sure, then the second one understands me since I was being honest.

I also remember a flood scene, my birthday, and riding a jeep. I forgot the flood scene, but on my birthday there’s my teacher from Highschool who posted a video of me throughout the year of me singing on the stage. And in the last scene, I was wearing a kimono and singing in front of many people. She greeted me, “happy birthday”. The next scene is riding a jeep, I think I was with Dennis, I don’t want to ride that jeep that came past us because I saw the passengers are complaining about the foul smell the other passenger has, I think he was carrying a bag full of entrails of a pig? Or something equivalent to that., but Dennis called that jeep, so because of “hiya” we rode that jeep. And surprisingly, there’s no foul smell in that jeep, we judged so quick.

The last part of my dream before I woke up, is related to work, I think, when I was about to enter the “restaurant” during the school scene, I saw a dog, that I SAW EARLIER but she was sleeping. And then I saw her again lying on the ground, I thought she was dead because of her physical appearance, she was definitely hit by a car. And when I tried to come into the office, I saw my boss’ car has a trail of that dog’s fur. It was him who hit the dog. I tried to get to her, and you know that I fear dogs, there’s still hesitation on my part, but I still came closer to the dog, and it moved. It was very aggressive and don’t want to be pet, but I kept on approaching her, trying to calm her down that everything will be alright. I touched her head trying to pat her, and her appearance changed, she became more gentle and approachable. I cried and cried and I told her this, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” And to my conclusion, that dog is also me.

[justhiddlesss]

Toxic trait

I just recently knew my toxic trait- it’s to not care anymore. I would literally jive away from any conflict, maybe because I’m too tired of everything I would just shake off everything. Even when an issue is at hand, I would just ignore it. I think I would just react when I’m significantly involved, but when I’m not, even if it’s my close family and friends, I don’t care anymore.

Like they’re literally old enough to settle down their own issues. I won’t meddle with that kind of stuff- those people who can’t fix their issues with other people and they have the guts to maintain their anger and bitterness are losers and immature. Like girl, 2022 na, won’t u grow up? I can’t. I have no patience with immature people. I can’t deal, I can’t handle them. If I were, I would be pretending to be a nice girl- like the structure in work- counselor-counselee. It’s not a bad thing tho, but can u not handle your own issue. I might sound bad- but yeah we’re on different levels of maturity and emotional strength. Some people really need support, some not- like me- or maybe I just get the hang of it for a long time. I tend to always care for others- but when it’s on me, They’re gone.

That’s why I love hanging with my bf, because he cares and he understands and I can be myself when I’m with him. Rather than be with my family then they’ll just insult me :D hayyy

[justhiddlesss]

I feel so under-appreciated.

I cannot contain my tear today. Napakadami kong nararamdaman. Parang it’s too much for me. I’ve been known to be strong and independent but when the time comes na gusto ko rin naman magpasuyo o maging bata, wala ko malapitan.

Sobrang dami kong gustong ikwento, pero naiipon lahat sa sarili ko. Maybe the reason why I buy so many things is that wala kasing iba na gagawa sakin nun, kaya ako na lang. i started collecting nendoroids but not knowing the real reason behind it.

I’ve been struggling since my last preaching sa youth. I tagged myself as ineffective. I cannot look again in the mirror and say, “Preach”. I always remember their faces, looking very timid and not interested. I already prayed for this but it always hunts me back.

Work. There’s always pressure in work. Not the task related, but a race to reach the top. My colleague just got a “golden standard” rating in her feedback from the onshore team. I was hoping the same, but I just got disappointed. The goes with the top list seniors of the month, I’m also expecting to see my name, but then, disappointed. I’ve been doing my best for the past months, but maybe this is a room for improvement to always do better next time.

Family/church. I feel no one cares for me except when they need me. I’ve been paying for our groceries for 3yrs already. I always prepare something for them for their birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. Idk. I think I never get the return I need. A simple token of appreciation is what I need. A simple food, simple gift, pero in the end sagot ko pa rin lahat. Kaya ako bili nang bili ng pagkain ko. Even nung Christmas, wala kong natanggap na regalo sa mga binigyan ko ng regalo. Wala kahit isa. Wala talaga as in. I always think of them, pero baka wala lang silang pera at ako yung meron.

Si Jrco din, sa una lang nagiging eager sa love language ko, pero nawawala pag naging okay na kami. Di kona alam. Minsan gusto ko makatagpo ng katulad ko na maaalalahanin, thoughtful. Magtatanong kung kamusta na ba spiritual life ko, mental health, anong naiisip ko. Support ba. Kaso wala.

I’m thinking I’m a little too thoughtful. Minsan iniisip ko sobrang bait kona tas naaabuso na yon. Kaya minsan nakakatamad tumulong, kasi lahat sila sayo na lang aasa, pano naman ako.

Iniisip ko na lang, nandiyan ang Lord para laging magpala sakin, yung kakulangan ng mga tao sa paligid ko, ang Lord ang nagpupuno. Hindi ko nga lang masabi sa iba to, para akong napipi. I’m fighting a silent battle. Pero salamat Lord kasi you’re always there to fill my empty cup. Im still grateful, even if d ko nakikita sa pamilya ko, church ko, work ko, at love life ko. Kasi nandiyan Ka Lord. For me. I have nothing to be envy of, jealous of.

[justhiddlesss]

Sometimes, I feel empty. Like, everything doesn't make sense. Everything is repetitive.

You wake up. Wash your face. Face your laptop. Watch movie. Lay on your bed. Social media. Laptop. Eat. Sleep. Repeat again.

I don't know, but sometimes I'm having feelings of waves of sadness. Am I having a quarter life crisis? Haha. Or maybe I'm just overthinking? Considering my current situation, I am resigning, with low budget, and I have tons of bills to pay. Addition to this is my family's expectation. Maybe I just need to have a nice cry. Tagal ko nang hindi nalalabas mga saloobin ko. Laging kong sinasarili, kasi mas gusto ko pag mag isa ako. Pero di pala palaging okay mag-isa.

Gumagaan loob ko pag nakakapag devotion ako, pero kinabukasan, bumabalik yung feeling na to.

Naranasan ko na to nung bata ako, hindi ko alam nangyayari sakin, pag sasapit ang gabi, nalulungkot ako, at tila parang lahat ng bagay ay walang katuturan. Mamamatay din naman.

Yan yung lagi kong naiisip, pag nakakakita ako ng gunting, naiisip kong isaksak sakin. At lagi akong nag llook forward sa family gathering, o kaya pasko, church gathering para mawala yung lungkot ko. Eventually nawala, nung bata ako. Pero ngayon, bumalik uli.

Baka dagdag sa naiisip ko rin ngayon, yung guilt sa kasalanan na ginawa ko pag magkasama kami ni Jerico. Lahat ng pagsisinungaling. Lahat ng kamunduhan at kalaswaan.

"Di ko na alam gagawin." Yan yung bulong ng isip ko. Pero, alam ko naman yung solution, at alam ko pano sosolusyunan.

I'm trying to escape. But the best solution is speak out. Let it out. Wag mong kimkimin lahat. You have family, friends, na makikinig sayo.

Alam ko naman, the only answer to every problem is Jesus. You just most of the time forget Him as the only way and you treat Him as an option.

Change your mind. Change your ways. Renew your heart, seek His face.

[justhiddlesss]

You're hurting me, but I don't want to show it

You're causing me pain, but the best way is to hide it.

I'm starting to think, we're not meant for each other. You're different, I'm also different.

Maybe it's better to be single than to settle with someone who don't understand you. And will only understand you when they want to. Or when they have time.

I'm tired to ask for time and attention. These things shouldn't be asked for, these should be given voluntarily.

I'm sad. I.. I wanna break up.

[justhiddlesss]

TOTGA

Well I think it’s been a week since I can’t get you off my head again. Not only “you” tho, it’s “both of you”

I don’t know. I want you to get off my head, but it seems I can’t. I’m being selfish. I tried expressing my feelings to strangers (yes I tried omegle) just to burst out my thoughts.

Hindi ko naiintindihan. Am I comparing my current boyfriend to you? I really should not. It’s inappropriate and selfish. I’m so sorry. It’s been years I’m convincing myself that I’ve moved on, and now I’m asking myself, “Am I really moved on?”

All those years of lying and pretending. Part of me wants you back, part of me doesn’t. First, you’re with someone else and I’m with someone else too. Second, because I know you’re happy with her, I don’t want to ruin that happiness just like what I did 4 years ago. It’s all coming to my senses now, I’m the toxic one, I didn’t saw the efforts you exerted, all the limitations that’s valid, I have been selfish. All I thought for the last 4 years, was myself and the perfect boyfriend that you should be. I’m sorry nasakal ka. I’m sorry akala ko ikaw yung mali. I’m sorry because I’m toxic. Until one day, napagod ka na rin. There’s this somewhat regret in my heart that “what if, pinaglaban kita” “what if, tayo pa rin”, “what if, tayo na lang ulit”. My heart is convincing me that you’re my soulmate. You understand my deepness, my sadness, my trip, my sound, my mind. I’m sorry. I don’t want you back. I just want you to get out my mind because you’re hurting me unconsciously. It’s been 4 fcking years J-N. 4 fcking years. I want to let you go. I thought I let you go 4 yrs ago. But you’re still here. You’re still in my subconscious mind. I still dream of you. I still think of you.

But please Tin, tama na. Enough already. Don’t be too selfish on your current boyfriend. He’s been so nice to you, don’t break his heart please Tin, I’m begging you. He’s doing his best to be the sweetest and greatest boyfriend you ever had. Wag mong hanapin sa past mo yung pagkukulang ng current boyfriend mo.

I’m just thinking of the future. I’m not getting younger. Sooner or later, one of us will settle for good and start a family. I hope one day, gigising ako na may ngiti sa labi ko, truly, masasabi kong, na-let go na kita and masaya ako para sayo.

I hope sooner or later, I can be truly happy for you, for your decisions, kahit alam kong wala na ko dun. No pretensions.

You are my TOTGA. The one and only.

[justhiddlesss]

Ano kayang feeling ng araw araw pinipili?

Sarap siguro sa feeling non. Di ako makarelate, d kasi ako pinipili.

[justhiddlesss]

Sana all fine-flex

[justhiddlesss]

Makati, 12:12mn, and I'm starring at his ceiling,

Wondering if my feelings really matter to him. :)

Some say the best way to conceal things is just to sleep over it, well goodnight folks. Tomorrow is just another episode of a sad day.

[justhiddlesss]

The thought of you chatting other girls is unbearable.

I can't get it out of my mind.

It's been 2 days since this thought is stucked in my mind. I can't get over it.

I even talked to you about it in a calm manner. Yet, it's still up here. It's stucked. I can't..

My mom perceived that I looked sad today. She asked me "Bakit parang malungkot ka?" And she went into my room for 3 times already to check if I'm really okay.

"Namimiss mo siya?" buti sana kung totoong namimiss nalang kita kaya ako malungkot eh. Pero hindi. It's a different matter. So much different. I wish I could've said Yes, I miss him. But it's not really the reason why I'm sad.

I don't want this thought anymore :(

Like why chat other girls?? What's your purpose? Because you're friends with them? Alright I get it, but they don't know that you're already taken. Why answer things like "I miss you too?" Even if it's implied, I don't like it. I don't want it. I'm so upset. I want to burst into tears. Why?

Why do you even start a conversation with them? If it's work related go. But if it's not, what's your purpose???

I don't get it.

It hurts. :(

It's really painful.

[justhiddlesss]

What's really happening

I don't know either.