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[justrandommethoughts]

The Start

This post defines the start of my journey. It was way back in 2019 when I first went to therapy (Yeah for me that's way back, the whole covid period just makes everything before feel soo long ago).

I was still together with my first girlfriend back then, almost for 6 years to that day. I never thought I have mental issues, but I was never the 'feeling' kind of person. I did not really feel anything. Of course, I would tell my ex I loved her, I was sad at the funeral of my grandparents, but it felt artificial, not real. I was just acting along how I was supposed to feel, without really feeling it. But for me that was normal, I've been this way for as long as I could remember. But then, I started to develope random symptoms of illnesses that could not be diagnosed by doctors/specialists. I had issues/pain peeing, my head skin was itching, I developed a tinnitus. After going through some painful proedures (I am very much referring to an urologist, who had to take a 'sample' of my urethra and was sticking some thing into my penis. I think that was the most painful thing I ever experienced, I can't even describe the pain I was in. I really never cried, but that, that made me cry) Well, anyways, after all these tests were showing no results of some illness, my doctor referred me to a therapist. I even got a pretty fast appointment, it only took me a few weeks. I was super lucky with that and I am still grateful (I might have to add that I live in Germany, so I did not have to pay for any of these doctors visit, I am super lucky)

So, the first therapy session was ahead. I was super nervous and could not imagine what it would be like to talk to somebody like that. I had no clue what to talk to him about, as there were no emotions or internal thoughts that I could tell him about. It was just empty, nothing, a void. It felt a bit odd, but honestly my memory is rather blurry about these past days. I was with this therapist for almost a year and a half, having sessions about every 2 weeks. And it helped, I noticed my feelings again, I could feel again. It's crazy to think about it, but I actually can't remember what exactly we did. He asked me how I felt about certain things, and I could not answer. Like what do you feel when you think about this teacher. I could not tell, I had numbness. So we went through all feelings there are, and I tried to imagine what it would feel like. And after some time, I noticed them again, at least something. A tickle maybe, but enough to talk about it.

An interesting event we pointed out, which back then seemed to be really important was something a teacher did to me when I was in 6th grade (so about 12/13). It was geography, and the teacher was a real asshole. He was that kind of teacher that takes pleasure in embarrasing kids, making him feel superior. He would always insult classmates and tell them how dumb they are. Well, and then one day it happened to me. I was rather more open back then, more expressive. I wore a shirt saying something like 'Homework are dangerous for my freetime' and he looked at it and shouted across the classroom 'It should rather say Homework are dangerous for your stupidity'. It really hurt thinking about this event, back then during the therapy session it felt like a turning point. It had such a massive impact, I could not really deal with it. After the therapy I went home and I was feeling unwell already. I then basically puked the whole evening and cried until my parents came and picked me up. They live about an hour away by car, so not too close. I thought that was the event troubling me and being a turning point in my development, so processing it really helped (At least back then it was a good start, but not to imagine what would come lol). Anyways, a few weeks after my girlfriend, then ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I was done with everything, the whole world. My world was falling apart. Even though I did not really feel that I loved her, I was still having a connection. A closesness that I can not really describe, she just felt like home. The therapy really helped processing it, having somebody to talk to who does not judge you no matter what you say. Who even understands and helps you order your thoughts and feelings. I wrote letters to her, which I never sent, just for myself. A lot of letters. I also sent her one message, a very long message, talking about what good times we had and that we should try it again, but to no avail. It was over. About three months later she had a new boyfriend, somebody from her work, and I thought it would not really affect me. I was just shrugging it off, saying its her thing, I don't care. Thinking about it from my perspective now, I actually cared and still do. It made everything before feel artificial, questioning if she also wanted him when we were still together, if there was something happening maybe. I don't think so, my rational self tells me no, she is not such a person, but I nevertheless have these thoughts.

Then Covid hit, I still remeber it in March 2020, when everything shut down. I then moved back to my parents. I was living in a shared appartment, but I had no real connection to my roommates and all my other friends also moved back to their parents. I had remote therapy during that period, and it was actually ok. It felt a little hard to open up over a video call at first, but I can recommend it if you can't see a therapist in person. After a few months the therapy was at an end. We had to either file an application for long term treatment or stop, and we both agreed on that I was feeling better and could deal with myself without any help (Oh how wrong we were).

The next part of the story will come whenever I feel like it and have the time, but until my next therapy a couple years went by. It actually only started a few months ago. I will then also go a little more into detail, but that backstory might be intersting to see where I am coming from.

[justrandommethoughts]

First Thoughts

So, this seems to be my first post ever. Yeah I have Instagram, but that's just a superficial way to interact with people. I mean, who shares how they really feel on Instagram or any other social media? I feel like if you actually share your mental state on such superficial platforms (with pictures of you crying for example), it is rather a call for help than to actually process your feelings. Now, if you ask yourself why would I start a Blog in 2023, I can't really tell myself. I just have the urge to share my inner thoughts and processing in a structured way. I could do it in a diary and I am doing it (and will continue) but it feels different to write about it online. Apparently I think telling strangers on the internet is more meaningful than just processing things by myself. Maybe it gives everything more weight for me. As you might have noticed from my writing, I am not a native English speaker, actually I am from Germany. I'm in my mid 20's and have been studying for 6 years now. If everything goes well I might finish with my Masters by next summer, but who knows. There will definitely be more on that in a dedicated blog post, just so sick of studying. I am currently going through depressions and started therapy again, so a lot of self-reflection and processing of past events is happening. Despite purely self-reflectional posts, I will probably also talk about random philosophical questions that come into my mind or society critical rants.

Well that's it for now, I hope you're having a great day. You're unique and amazing, don't forget that !