justteamusings

[justteamusings]

보고 싶어

Never missed you more than I am now. I fly tonight, but I won’t see you. What’s wrong with me?

[justteamusings]

Certainty

I was, nay, am certain the decision is the right one. Doing right by everyone in my life. Then why do I feel like it was the wrong one?

[justteamusings]

Honesty (Part Deux)

I never imagined meeting you.

I’ve loved you since you disappeared on me at the club. I hated you too that night, for making me feel that way.

I felt useless and boring that night.

But you’ve kept a smile on my face since then, everything you did made me want to smile.

From the touch of your hands, to you standing behind me watching me iron, I’ve never wanted to protect and love someone as much as I have you.

Everytime we held hands your touch overwhelms me.

As the song says, I will always love you.

[justteamusings]

Honesty

You wanted to know how I felt, so I've decided to pen them down.

No longer as stories or as diaries, but raw honest emotion.

I love you and miss you. You think its easy moving on?

I see you in every smile. Whenever others look at me and laugh, a little stab of pain rings in my heart knowing that it's not you. There's an ache, right there in my chest.

There are just so many things I miss.

Your incredible strength, both physical and emotional. The way you bounce into a room, and immediately the atmostsphere brightens. The love you shared with me. The energy you shared Those big, shining eyes, like little pools of clear water dancing in the sunlight. That big, goofy smile of yours when we talked of idiots and perverts. That laughter of yours, so truly unique I should have recorded it down. The way you laughed at my jokes.

I read your posts and tear, and let the shower head in my washroom wash them away. a hot shower helps sometimes, but mostly I just remember you laughing and playing with my tummy.

Everytime you cry on our calls, how I wish i was by your side to hold you and comfort you.

I've known for a long time now that you were lonely - but it's not something that you would ever admit to yourself. I sought to show you that you needed to recognise that. I wanted to make you whole.

But my greatest joy is now also my greatest pain. And that's falling for you.

In the immortal words of Humphrey Bogart: "We'll always have (Sokcho). But I've got a job to do, and where I'm going you can't follow, and what I've got to do you can't be any part of. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of 3 little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Now, here's looking at you, kid."

[justteamusings]

Sadness

“You made it? Congratulations!”

He felt really proud in that moment, as though it were his achievement, not hers.

All of a sudden, an overwhelming sadness overtook him. It was inexplicable.

Like something tearing out his very organs.

Strange, it was just his heart. Why are you sad? You should be happy she got this!

“I am”, he thought to himself, I am. I just dont want to look forward to a 8 hour time difference. I barely hear from her as it is.

But it’s ok. The pain will pass, he thought. You’re just being selfish.

“Baby it’s late, we should get some rest...” he said.

[justteamusings]

What’s the story morning glory?

Lying there in the dark, he looked at pictures of her on his phone. The only light was coming from his phone, illuminating his face. As he scrolled through the photos, he began fantasising over what the future might hold for them and how they would hold hands and walk down the beach. Imagining things that could never happen.

He didn’t want it to end.

He slowly went through her photos, one by one, each one meticulously chosen to represent everything she meant to him.

He had saved them in case they ever got taken off the web, or if he wanted to see her face and he couldn’t get online. He had slowly gone through her photos, smiling to himself as he watched a young girl slowly transform into a beautiful woman.

He went through them every night, slowly burning each image into his mind, knowing that each moment was like sand running through his fingers. Their time was running out - he could sense it. He felt it in every fiber of his being.

He didn’t want it to end.

He stared at her pictures, as though to memorize the position of every single freckle and angle of her cheekbones.

He glanced at the time. “Fuck I’ve gotta be up early tomorrow.”

He shut off the phone and closed his eyes.

He could still see her in his mind’s eye.

For the first time in weeks, he felt calm, and at peace before sleeping. He thought to himself “I don’t want this to end..” as he drifted off into restful slumber.

[justteamusings]

An ending - or a beginning?

She was bundled up in blankets and lying on a electrically heated bed, wondering how long she could fight off winter’s chill.

Her phone buzzed.

“Send me a selfie!”

Haha, she thought to herself. He’s always asking for a picture of me. Am I that beautiful?

She hesitated.

“I can’t, I’ve taken off my makeup.” she typed in, hoping it would be enough to get him to stop.

“I don’t care. I want to see you, with and without makeup.”

He sure is persistent, she thought, as this exchange went back and forth a few times.

She finally gave in, sending him a shot of herself barefaced, feeling totally exposed.

“So pretty” was the reply.

Two little words she never thought she would hear.

[justteamusings]

The fantasy ends.

They curled into each other, making sure every inch of exposed skin was connected to the other.

“I’ve gotta go. I’ve got a flight to catch.” he whispered into her ear.

“Oh yes, let me help you pack.”

They showered together, washing each other, savouring the last few moments they would spend in this summer dream.

“so cute! like a baby bear’s tummy” she exclaimed, while laughing and playing with his protruding belly.

He laughed, listening to her laugh and wondering to himself when the next time he would hear her laugh like this. In that moment he wondered many things; but he cast them out of his mind.

He focused on packing - he talked himself through it. He quietly observed her putting on her makeup, all the while keeping his clothes. She turned to look at him and he thought he saw in her eyes a flash of sadness; almost despair. 

She smiled and said “all done?”

He scooped her in close and held her as tightly as he could, knowing that once he let go, it might be the last time he could hold her close. 

Hoping that hug would be enough to tide her over. Hoping that hug told her everything. Hoping that hug would...

As they left, he started singing a song. 

“I’m leaving, on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again..”

[justteamusings]

The first night.

Knock Knock.

She walked over, knowing that it could only be him knocking on her door at this hour.

The door opened and he stumbled into her arms. He smelt of stale cigarette smoke, sweat and whisky. But she didn’t mind.

As she helped him over to her bed, he fell in and pulled her close, smelling the sweet scent of her skin and face. They kissed.

He mumbled to her about his day, and how he felt, all the while pulling her in close. She poured out her troubles to him, and he cuddled her in his arms, hoping she would feel safe in his arms.

He held her tight, and the two of them forgot about the rest of the world and where they were.

In that moment, nothing else existed.

[justteamusings]

He was lost.

"You don’t understand!” he screamed at her.

But it was only in his head.

He stared mutely at the woman he would be marrying - watching as she messed up her hair, all the while simultaneously complaining and scolding about the world. This was the sum of their relationship - her complaining about her job, life, etc and him mutely listening. He tried to her his stories; but they were usually brushed off.

He hadn’t realised this before - she bored him. He had loved her before, but realised that ambition was all she was. She rarely enjoyed living, instead focusing on the future. He knew it was good for him - he was too playful to plan ahead, and she kept him grounded. But it was killing him on the inside.

He wanted to be left alone; the pressure of adulting was getting to him. But hey who was he to complain - already 30, yet still living with his parents and not a penny to his name. He struggled with his emotions day in and day out, but no one saw the void he kept under a heavy shell. 

Everyone who knew him saw him as a jovial person - you could say he was popular. But popularity meant nothing to him - he simply wanted someone he could share a life with and be truly free. He thought he had found “the One” in his fiancee, but struggled for 5 long years before deciding to get married.

Immediately after he proposed, actually, before he even proposed, he had toyed with the idea of ending the relationship. 

But he didn’t. Too many reasons not to; a life intertwined, too many questions to deal with, he was worried she would go crazy... but he soon realises he was simply... afraid.

No matter, he thought to himself. I’m going to Korea in a couple of days anyway - the new environment should take my mind off it.

He had a good time in Korea - it was worth taking the additional days off to play. Thank God some friends happened to come along - he was pretty sure the trip would not have been as enjoyable if it was just him and his fiancee.

Then he met her.

Fear in itself is not a bad thing, he thought; it kept him from doing ridiculous things, and it kept him from saying the wrong things (not that he cared anyway; he usually said whatever he wanted to say).

That was when he met her.

He had stopped being interested in other girls; heck the only girls he saw on a fairly regular basis were the ones in pornos. But he couldn’t believe his eyes seeing her; she was shapely, like carefully crafted vase created by a master potter. Her large, almond shaped eyes were accentuated with a bit of eyeliner that gave her an almost feline feel to it.

She introduced herself but he wasn’t listening - his imagination was running wild. At that moment he knew he was in trouble - there was no turning back now. He had forgotten all about his fiancee.

He met her again in Bangkok - he could barely contain his excitement. He flew in a day earlier to meet her. They tiptoed around each other, initially wondering where this was going. She was apprehensive - he was getting married after all, and he, well unsure of how she felt. The tipping point was the night she disappeared after drinking - he in a state of panic and worry, rushed around looking for her. They both opened up to each other after that, and the next few days disappeared in a heady rush of alcohol, cigarettes and secret smiles sent to each other.

They lay curled up next to each other on the last day, savoring the sensation of the other’s skin.

“What now?” was the question on both their minds.

“We will always have Bangkok.”