justvent314

[justvent314]

I’m so scared of disappointing her

[justvent314]

when they’re the one keeping you clean

[justvent314]

Tw: idk don’t read it if you don’t want to get triggered? SH ig

I feel like I’m just dancing on a fucking edge man, like nothings ever real for me. I cut myself but not like girls in our school who actually cut themselves, I don’t have an eating disorder but I get so fucking happy when that number on the scale drops, I’m at 98 pounds and I’m scared to go over 105, but I’m not starving myself nor throwing up, even if I try attempts are always short lived. I don’t really want to die but I can’t bring myself to throw away my old prescription because what if I want a way out, I love my mother and she doesn’t hurt me physically nor mentally like yours does but she never really knows how to react, she says ‘I want you to stop cutting yourself’ not like she’s truly sad, but like this is a teenage thing that just frustrated her, similar to ‘I want you to stop drawing on your arms’ like you think I fucking want to do this? That I wake up with the intent to make her mad, at this point if I attempt and survive I think she’d be more disappointed than sad. I’m not ‘gifted’ but I’m not dumb either, I know I’m intelligent but I can’t seem to bring myself to put any effort into anything, I can’t call it burnout because when have I ever even tried? I’m not hardworking like Rhea, or naturally smart like any of you, I’m not dedicated like Rahaf either, shit I honestly don’t know what I’m good at, I know random useless shit and I feel like I can’t change anything in the world. I like to pretend I have a plan, ‘be a psychology professor’ but honestly I don’t know if I’ll make it that far, hell a plan is all I have bro, without it. What am I? Mediocre, a 13 year old girl toeing the line between ‘brilliant’ and average, unable to ‘apply herself’ All in all I’m just glued to a line, but no matter how bad I want to let go, how fucking bad I want to suffer, and let everyone know, how I want to burn, and make everyone see who the hell I am, how I want to relish in their fucking disappointment, to truly give up, I can’t bring myself to do so. I can’t bring myself to try either honestly, I’m just second in all I do, never enough to fall into a category, good or bad