k8-spo

[k8-spo]

We dont talk anymore.

I don't think we'll ever speak again.

So much of me is completely at peace with this.

My own Mother, flesh and blood.

We used to be enemies.

Then we started to behave in a way that resembled a healthy mother and daughter.

Then we became friends.

Then we both called time and turned our backs.

Never to turn back around.

We are both disgustingly stubborn.

We will live silently with this pain.

I forsee a tragic accident or an illness.

It'll come down to this;

We will either have a deathbed truce.

Or someone will leave this world without warning and the other person will live with the guilt of never fixing things in time to say goodbye.

Shame.

Guilt.

Gross negligence.

The fucking usual for us, really.

The damage we have caused one another is unrivalled.

My Mother, the original Villain.

[k8-spo]

DISTURBING..

I find it really unsettling how rapidly my mind turns to suicide planning. It brings a strange sense of calm, living in those moments as if there is a decided upon end point. There is always an end point, and it could be 2 weeks from now, or it could be 60 years from now.

Borderline Personality Disorder has left me a fucked up mess.

Constantly on the hunt for a way to self-destruct and bring chaos.

[k8-spo]

June 8th, 2025.

Thirty Days. How fitting.

June 8th, 2024.

[k8-spo]

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder isn't worth it.

[k8-spo]

I can stay distracted, try to ignore it.

Choose to accept what I'm feeling and continue trekking forward through the storm.

Put a positive spin on things, laugh it off.

I can rationalise, lessen the impact.

But that in itself is a tireless battle to maintain some semblance of control.

When I am alone, I am plagued by intrusive, destructive thoughts, voices telling me I should act on them, giving me an overwhelming desire to stop the fight and give in to the urges.

"Don't believe everything you think" says the sticker on my water bottle. I remember how good it felt to place each of these positive mantra stickers, each one a true statement of how I've survived each dangerous encounter with my own brain.

The blue pineapple candle that we've resisted the urge to burn gets lit, we watch the flame dance as the breeze from the wide-open balcony door flows through the room.

I crave a fire. I wish I had a cat again, someone to interrupt the cycle I so often find myself stuck in.

I am isolated and alone a lot. Recipe for disaster.

When my guts are churning, and my head is spinning, the tears are streaming down my cheeks and every breath feels like a fight, it feels as if my heart is being stabbed and the choked sounds of sobs escaping are just my lungs being scrunched into a vice like grip from within.

It hurts my brain to think I'm 4 months away from turning 30.

127 DAYS.

Birthdays are generally difficult for me, but this one really hits different. I have always been so deeply convinced I wouldn't be alive anymore. I said that for my 18th, 21st, 25th... all the milestones of my adulthood so far.

I still believe the end of my life will be determined by my own hand. I still sit in the passenger seat of every vehicle and feel the electricity surge through my body as I hold back my compulsion to grab the wheel and veer into a brick wall or a tree or off the side of a cliff.

I wonder how many hours of my life have I spent wishing I were dead?

I really want to cut myself, see the blood pool beneath me and feel the sharp sting followed by the momentary relief.

I miss drugs. So fucking much. I even miss medication. Anything that softens the reality of living inside this disgusting body and mind. It's like a jail cell.

I don't think my life is one that is truly worth anything. I'm a burden in so many ways.

It's all too much. I've loved and I've lost, and I never learned to love myself or find a version of me who I can accept.

I'm not meant to be here.

[k8-spo]

[k8-spo]

After seeing this Mental Health Pain Scale a while ago, I realized that it doesn't really work well for people whose mental wellness changes frequently (ex: people with BPD or C-PTSD, addicts), and very extremely. So, I made some tweaks for myself, and hopefully it can help others:

Here's a version with a table :) Emotional Distress Scale

0 - I feel great! This is the best I’ve felt in a long time!

1 - I’m feeling really good! There’s no distress to address.

2 - I’m feeling good. If I start feeling bothered, I can be easily distracted or cheered up.

3 - I’m okay, but there are some things bothering me. I can easily cope with them, though.

4  - I could be better. There are a few things distressing me right now. It’s not exactly easy to deal with, but I still have the skills to get through it.

5 - I’m not okay. It’s getting harder to do the things I want to do, but I can do them. My coping skills aren’t working as well anymore, but enough of them work to get me through the day. I need some support.

6 - I’m feeling bad, and it’s very hard to do the things I need or want to do. Most of my coping skills aren’t effective right now, and it’s taking a lot of energy to stay stable. I need help.

7 - I’m feeling awful. It’s hard to focus on anything but my emotions, and/or I’m avoiding things that distress me. I can’t do much but try to take care of myself, which is already hard in itself. I’m running low on, or have run out of, effective coping skills. I need a lot of help right now.

8 - I’m feeling awful, and I can’t escape it anymore. How I feel is affecting every part of my day, and I’m reaching the point where I can’t function. It’s hard to sleep, eat, socialize, etc. I need help before I can’t handle anything.

9 - This is approaching the worst I could feel. I can’t function anymore. My emotions have totally consumed me. I may be a danger to myself or others, or I may be neglecting myself. I need urgent help.

10 - This is the worst I’ve felt ever/since [last time]. I can’t care for myself at all. My emotions are so intense, I’m at imminent risk of dangerously acting on them. I need crisis support immediately.

11 - I have acted on my emotions and hurt myself or someone else. Everything else in my life is impossible to comprehend. I need medical care and/or crisis support immediately.

Note that this doesn't really work well if your positive states end up being unhealthy (ex: mania, idealization, etc.), so it's geared towards negative emotions. This is also meant to be about how you feel NOW. The other scale works best for viewing your overall state.