kaerwrites

[kaerwrites]

i read all of marionette in one sitting and started crying the chalis scene made me so fucking devastated oh my god its so wonderful i love ur writing. your prose. the bone deep emotion its so VISCERAL GOD. GODDDDD. i have never felt this sad over a laurent before im so fucking sad you write him perfectly. thank u for sharing

i was wondering when u started writing and if u have any writing advice ?

Anon, this was the best thing to wake up to this morning, thank you so much ❤️ you guys seriously keep me going when I have no motivation for anything else.

Uhm… I’ve been writing since I learned how to write. Granted, I did most of my storytelling through my Barbies, but I have found a few old “books” I wrote too. Then I realized around 12/13 that I could tell the stories better on paper than with dolls and started a daily writing habit.

My big pieces of advice are pretty usual:

1. Do lots of reading. Not just fiction. History and memoirs have been particularly helpful. Learning everything you can about the world and history and other people’s perspectives is so helpful when it comes to history and world building.

When you do it, try to read like a writer - if you liked that sentence, what about it made you like it? If you liked that scene, why did it work? How did the author build tension or use voice? How did they construct their sentences and paragraphs? How was the plot laid out?

If you read something you don’t like or find lackluster, same thing. Reword the sentence in your head. Analyze what you would have liked to see happen and how the set up would work.

2. Learn the rules of grammar. You can break them but you have to know them first.

3. Take anyone else’s writing advice with a grain of salt. Seriously. King came out with his book On Writing and suddenly no one was using adjectives. There is a beauty and flow to language that can’t be stripped down or set to rules and you have to do what feels right.

4. Try not to take criticism or advice personally. Give it time, think about it objectively, if there’s a grain of truth that will help you, take it. Otherwise, laugh at it.

[kaerwrites]

OH MY GODS

Guys my messages for this blog suddenly returned from war! (Messages, not asks. AFAIK asks have been working ok.)

I have messages from NOV 2022 I never saw and one from February of this year.

If you have tried to send me a direct message and I ignored you please know that NO I DIDN’T!! That function of this broken website has simply been missing for me for a little more than 2 years and I didn’t see it and am not even sure I’ve got them all now.

[kaerwrites]

i love the idea that almost no one can pick up on the tiny shift in andrew's microexpressions or distinguish between basically any of his expressions at all other than aaron. not because of some twin telepathy thing but because i think it would be hilarious that the only other person than neil in a room full of the foxes that realizes andrew is eye-fucking neil is the last person who wants to know about it. cue aaron yelping in dramatic revulsion and pretending to gag while everyone asks him wtf is wrong and he just points at andrew like "look at him!!!" and then everyone looks at him and he looks the exact same as always. bored and blank. best poker face andrew minyard and aaron minyard the one man cursed to see it through it

[kaerwrites]

Matt and neil mean so much to me

[kaerwrites]

The Holy Trinity

[kaerwrites]

Damen better give a lot of kissies to Laurent in Honor of Men (yk once Laurent is an adult) I want the kissies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every Chapter 10 kissies minimum.

Well we are not to the kisses yet but I am 90% sure you will be happy with the Lamen content so far anyway.

[kaerwrites]

Reading chapter nine of Poppet, I’m at the part where Laurent is talking about the letters he is writing to Nicaise. It’s important to me that you know that I am mad at you.

Thank you anon; this made me happy.

[kaerwrites]

Hi, so this is kinda random but I keep having this thought that I gotta share. So basically it’s centered around Damen’s back and what that is gonna be like in the future. In the books to my memory (it’s been a bit for sure) he heals and it really only affects the way he looks, which certainly could be the case. However when you age, old wounds, especially deep traumatic muscle stuff like that, can cause pretty severe chronic pain, even after years of everything being fine. So I have this super unfortunate but fairly realistic idea that Damen’s old injuries become damn near crippling. Which leads to this picture of Laurent and Damen at 60 and Laurent having to live with doing that to the person he loves most.

When the urge for angst and heartbreak hit. Yes, this could be a thing.

I’m not sure why - I guess because they’ve already been so much - but most of the time, for this pair, I like to imagine that their happy ending stays happy. I’m sure there are doubts and stress and forging two kingdoms into one isn’t easy, but I love thinking of them succeeding because they have each other, each shoring up the other’s weak spots.

For me, I’d like to believe Pascal’s stinky salves did the trick.

I know a lot of fans think that Laurent’s actions weren’t addressed/punished enough. I don’t think he was in his right mind during that time and I don’t really hold him responsible. There was so much hurt and rage and desperation and he saw his time growing short and the trap closing in and here is the man who ruined his life, vulnerable in his hands. Laurent in a healthy place would never, I believe.

(I am not saying you are or are not in this category, dear Anon, and I hope I don’t imply any judgement to anyone who is. For some people, they need to see Laurent held accountable and suffer more for what he did to Damen, and they need to see Damen process it more. I just… don’t.)

[kaerwrites]

I’m gonna break my silence and let out an unpopular opinion: I love Neil’s mom 😔 

WAIT ✋🏼🤚🏼

BEFORE YOU THROW TOMATOES AT ME 

🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅

Let’s me explain myself before the court🧎

I’m very much aware that Mary was not at all a good mother to Neil and was also abusive to him. Obviously not to the extent that Nathan was, but abusive to Neil nonetheless. I’m not trying to defend her on that or pretend she never hit him or made him avoid a lot of things such as intimacy. I, for one, strongly believe that watering down what she did would be an injustice to her character. 

With that disclaimer out of the way. You know the trope of Mothers surrounding or giving up her life to protect her kid? For the sake of this discussion let’s call it the Mother’s Sacrifice trope because there isn’t an official name for it. So  - when it comes to Mary I absolutely LOVE how she could fall under this trope but her character twists it in a sinister direction.

Usually the Mother’s Sacrifice trope treats moms as these guardian angel type figures for their children. The embodiment of moral goodness. Often depicting them as this perfect ideal of what a mother should be with our MC (who in most cases is or later becomes an orphan) mourning the loss of her. Whose love for the MC was strong, selfless, and unconditional. At times the MC would even meet people on their journey who were close to her. These people being a ‘gift’ from her from the beyond so-to-say to love the MC in her place.

Having that in mind - a common misconception I see aftg fans have with Mary’s character is that she never loved Neil and actually hated him. With the support being that Mary was abusive to Neil and never affectionate towards him. I will say that these two points are true. But by explaining Mary’s abusiveness to Neil by her just hating him I feel like would be a disservice to not only her but to Neil’s as well.

If she hadn’t loved Neil she wouldn’t have risked her life to run away with him, come up with rules for him to make sure he lives a long (but miserable) life, or die protecting him. We as readers would have never even reached the beginning of the main story of aftg otherwise. And no offense to Aaron, but I doubt Tilda (another example of an abusive mother in aftg) would ever go to such lengths for him. The issue isn’t that Mary didn’t love Neil. She did. It’s the way she loved him that was wrong. The way that she didn’t bother to give that affection to him. The way she deemed it unimportant, unnecessary, useless to his survival. And it’s because her love for him was arguably selfish. Not selfless like how a mother’s love should be. 

When the two were still living with Nathan Mary didn’t seem to take much action in protecting Neil from Nathan’s abuse. Only seeming to advise her son on how to best avoid or placate his father’s wrath (to some this could be a form of protection albeit a very weak one). It’s only when the possibility of him being taken away, whether through death or by being sold off to the Moriyamas, does she flee with him.

This, again, leads back to the idea that her love for Neil is the selfish kind. Mary can deal with her son being hurt. Does she prefer it? No, but she can deal with it so long as he’s with her (perhaps because of the way she was raised in her mob family?). Her son being separated from her, taken away from her, stolen from her though? No. She cannot handle that. She will not allow that to happen (there’s another interpretation that could be made of her character that I also really like. That she - like many others at some point in the story - views Neil as her property. An extension of herself that she got out of her marriage and one Nathan had no right to give away. Which could also explain her pridefulness of not asking her family for help).

Reminder: the only time Neil remembers seeing his mother be remotely happy was when he was playing exy. It being “[t]he only times he'd ever seen his mother smile” (The Foxhole Court). 

All through the series we get paragraphs of Neil feeling the most free while playing exy, away from all of his sufferings. So I don’t think it’s a coincidence that that’s when Mary was described at her most content.

Abuse can be extremely complicated is what I’m getting at and not always as clear cut as some people would like it to be.

With the Mother’s Sacrifice trope the MC thinks about their mother during their low points to comfort themselves, or use her as a baseline to make a vital decision. After her death Neil does mourn/think about Mary. But unlike it being painted in a bittersweet light like the trope usually does; there’s this under layer of self-deprecation when Neil thinks about his mother. Most likely as a result of Mary being very critical of him to the point of beating him when he got something “wrong” while they were on the run. After her death Neil believing that he’ll never be as strong as her, that she wouldn’t approve of his decisions, that he won’t last long without her, etc.

Ironically, there are moments where Neil does “positively” think about her. Such as how she’d deals with enemies and how to withstand pain in order to survive his time at the Nest. Including many instances of Neil wishing he’d inherited more traits from her (…but this could also be due to not wanting to be anything like his dad). Later on Neil would even meet his Uncle Stuart who, without a doubt, DOES love him… but that’s because he’s Mary’s kid. His only connection to his deceased sister. And in Mary’s place Stuart will do anything to protect Neil. This goes back to some of the ‘positive’ aspects of the  Mother’s Sacrifice trope. With all of the negative teachings Mary forced onto Neil, there are some that do help him survive. Once again twisting the Mother’s Sacrifice trope in a way that it was never meant to be.

Mary was a vicious woman who loved (or her version of it), protected, and abused her son all at the same time.

To end this ramble off, in one of Nora’s now deleted extras (which may or may not be canon anymore); she mentions Neil having a conversation with Bee before Aaron’s trial on how he would’ve chosen the Foxes over his mother if she was alive. This makes him feel guilty. Bee responds by saying that although Mary would’ve likely been furious with Neil for breaking all of her rules, she would’ve eventually gotten over it because he came out of the whole ordeal alive. And that’s all she ever wanted for him. Mary wouldn’t blame Neil for choosing the Foxes over her.

Is Bee right in her assessment of Mary? Maybe, maybe not. Bee never met the woman so how can we know? Neil’s mom is dead so he can never ask her but there’s enough room for it to be true that it comforts him.

………that said I think we can all collectively agree that Andrew definitely would’ve tried killing Mary if he ever met her lmao

OOF 😮‍💨 that was liberating to let out. I don’t know if you’d (or anyone) agrees with my interpretation of her, but I hope you enjoyed my analysis of her and the deconstruction she does of the Mother’s Sacrifice trope all the same 🤗

I always love reading people’s metas and noticed she isn’t discussed often on her own, only when Neil’s character is the focus and it’s to explain his negative tendencies (which is fair lmao. Mary was a horrible mother in the grand scheme of things).

Was re reading the shit-show of Laurent’s relationship with Auguste in Duty of Princes and examining how selfish Auguste’s love for Laurent could be at times, and then I saw you upload your first chapter of Paper Crowns, which then led me to thinking about Mary and Neil, which then led me to do a deep-dive of their relationship, to me sharing it here with you today haha 

That’s all folks ✨ shows over! 🐷🎩

Ooh! That IS a brave stance! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, anon!

Mary is another interesting character in a sea of interesting characters. I’ve only read through the series twice (as opposed to…idk probably a dozen rereads of Capri, simply because I’ve known it longer) so I’m sure I need to reread again- but for me it again boils down to wondering what life was like pre-running.

It occurred to me somewhat recently that some (by no means ALL) of Neil’s scars are from run-ins with Nathan after their escape. Yes, Nathan was an abusive piece of shit and left scars before, but it was probably more violence-in-the-heat-of-the-moment tantrums than dedicated family torture sessions it seemed to have become later. I get the impression their last close call was not the only one.

So my question is, how much of Mary’s abuse was there before they ran?

I assume Nathan was an abusive husband before Neil came around. Did Mary resent the pregnancy? Did she try to end it and was forced to carry to term, only to reluctantly feel affection and love for her son? I can imagine her being a kind of detached figure in Neil’s life before it’s time for him to “audition” for the Moriyamas and she realizes that she can’t let it happen. By no means was she ever loving or affectionate prior to their running, I think, but I wonder how much of her own abuse was from stress and fear and protectiveness post-escape and not something that was there prior?

Anyway, I will be noodling on this. Thanks, anon!

[kaerwrites]

I’ve always loved when raven!Neil fics utilize the nickname “Nat” for Neil (though Neil also works as a shortened version of Nathaniel). I prefer Nat though, or I like when Jean specifically uses it, because it feels like a nickname he would give Neil (because a gnat, which is pronounced the same, is a tiny annoying bug, and I feel like Jean would point out the similarities).

I think names other than Nathaniel make sense in raven aus though! Especially for Neil’s friends. I do think Nate is not one he would like though, because it sounds too close to Nathan.

Thank you for you thoughts, Anon!

I agree that canon!Neil would not want any version of Nathan in his name, but I think for this world his motivation wouldn’t be there yet.

To me, I think the full aversion to being called Nathaniel or any variation probably came more from being on the run, run-ins with his father and his men over the years, and Nathan’s ultimate murder of Mary necessitating what Neil has to do on the beach. I don’t think Neil is overly attached to his birth name before then, but I think he’s probably too young to be contemplating the big life questions like “am I destined to be a monster” yet, even if he is abused.

I do agree with previous poster that “Abram” is too special and personal to give to the average person.

I plan to have child!Neil prefer Nate for now, but my current thought is that it might be beneficial for him to lose all connection to Wesninski before he enters the public eye- on the off chance the Moriyamas ever need to make his father take the fall for something.

I go back and forth personally. Sometimes the idea that he just so happens to always become Neil is a stretch too far for me, and sometimes I like it.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing your perspective! I appreciate all the opinions I can gather!!❤️

[kaerwrites]

WARNING: This is really long, sorry 😅 For your aftg questions:

I think for the most part aftg fans prefer Neil to somehow change his name to Neil given that he hates his birth-name. That and because it’s a really significant moment when he legally changes his name in the OG story. Personally, I’m fine with him not changing his name in Raven AUs cuz it makes sense that they wouldn’t allow him too 

☝🏼BUT, I have read fics where he uses his middle-name, Abram, as his preferred name in circumstances in which he’d have no reason to change his name to Neil. I have mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, I can see this in-character for him as he does like/appreciate his middle-name. It’s a name his mom gave to him that isn’t associated with his dad plus that’s what she’d often referred to him as privately while they where on the run… but at the same time I feel like it could also be OOC since i get the vibe his middle-name is something he’d only be willing/comfortable to share with people he’s extremely close to (i.e. Andrew) and wouldn’t want random people in the streets calling him that. Another name i often see people give Neil in Raven AUs is Nate, but I feel like Neil would still consider that nickname too close for comfort to his father’s.

When it comes to numbers, the majority of people seem fine with Neil & Jean’s numbers being switched around in Raven AUs cuz logically Neil would’ve arrived in Edgar Allen before Jean. So it’s safe to assume people would also be cool if you switched around Andrew’s.

In the case you do want them to keep their OG numbers (mainly for the death symbolism in 4 with Neil); you can have it so Neil doesn’t get his number for a while because Riko childishly doesn’t think he deserves it for whatever reason. 

This is just my personal headcanon but;  I feel like in the context of the Perfect Court, Riko assigns numbers not based on which of his players is better at exy—but by which of them he’s prefers & who is more susceptible to his demands/abuse. In short, the way he assigns numbers is just another way for him to further manipulate/control people to do what he wants. 

By the time Riko finally does think Neil can get his number tattooed, Jean has already gotten his 3 not because he’s better at Neil in exy—but because he “became obedient quicker” thus leaving number 4 to Neil cuz 1) Riko wants to spite Neil, and 2) imply that Jean is better at exy than Neil to further mess with him.

This would also later explain why Andrew gets the number 5 despite him definitely being better than Jean -> because he’s the least obedient to Riko and Riko hates that

Whatever direction you choose to go with their numbers I highly doubt people will protest so long as Riko & Kevin’s stay the same. Have fun exploring the many directions you can take them though cuz there are lots of possibilities!!

First of all, please NEVER apologize for sending me a long message! I love to get messages, especially long ones!

Second, thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[kaerwrites]

Questions for my aftg pals in regards to my Raven wip:

1. Do we prefer when authors find an excuse for Neil to change his name to Neil, even when there’s no reason?

2. How attached are we to everyone’s Perfect Court numbers? For instance- do I find a reason for Neil stay 4 because of “shi”? Does he move to 3 because he joined before Jean? If Andrew joins the perfect court, would it be better for *him* to be 3? 5?

To be clear, I’m going to do what I feel like doing, and what the muses demand I do - but I’m wondering if there are strong preferences about these things that I should take into account.

[kaerwrites]

What was the hardest scene to plan out and write in Marionette, Poppet, and Prince? ✏️

and how did you figure it out?

Hm it’s been a while but, I think the ones that stand out as the most challenging for me were 1. Figuring out what Laurent was thinking in that bathing scene pre-whipping and 2. Any and everything to do with Jokaste.

Also 3. Justifying keeping them apart in the third book for as long as they’re broken up because we all know how much they love each other

[kaerwrites]

I was wondering, how old is damen in “honor” if Laurent is 16? 19?

I think they’re canonically 5 years apart.

[kaerwrites]

Are you planning to write The Summer Palace from Laurent's POV in the future?

Not in the immediate future but maybe one day!

[kaerwrites]

[kaerwrites]

Me: I’m going to write down the titles of songs by I Prevail that make me think of Andrew.

Also me: gives up when she realizes it’s almost every one.