kaittalkstoomuch

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hey y’all, before I get into chapter seven, I just want to say there is a massive trigger warning for s*xual ab*se. It’ll be listed again in the warnings, but I wanted to say that so that if you don’t feel okay, that’s okay. I’m here if you need anything. Always. ✨

Arms Around a Memory: Chapter Seven 🥀

Tw: MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, being used period. Mentions of blood. Broken ribs. Poison.

“James… I’ll be okay.” I straighten my red dress and my brunette waves. The slimming material on my body catches James’ eyes. “Besides, we don’t want our cover blown, do we?” I bat my lashes at him as we enter the elevator.

“I just hate to see you get hurt, doll. That’s all.” He stands dangerously close to me, I feel his breath down my neck. I bite my lip to control the temptation to kiss him in the small space. Good thing we’re in the city of love, right?

“I know…” I take notice we’re alone and turn and stand squarely in front of him. “I love you, alright? So much so I want to say ‘fuck it’ and go back to our room and truly see what the city of love is all about… but… “ my voice lowers to a whisper. “We both know what would happen if I don’t do this.”

Dreykov made his intentions very fucking clear. He’d use me for punishment. Prove that I’m not obedient. Bf coerced me during our first meeting and made sure it had its effect on me. Bucky knows this too well. That’s why he volunteered to train me and be my handler.

“I know… I just hate that you have to use your body.” I smirk up at him. “Who said I’d let him do anything entirely? I’m a Stark. I’m capable of anything.” “I know and that’s why I love you.”

I kiss him and he kisses me back. “I’ll poison his drink while he isn’t looking. That way when we go to his room, he doesn’t feel good and dies before he can do anything. I’ll go through his drive, get what I need and we will experience Paris.” His smile grows.

“I love the way you think.” “And I love the way you protect me. Kiss?” He lifts me up very quickly and plants his lips on mine. I moan into the kiss. It’s hard and rough, as if the soldier is actually letting Bucky in. The way his lips feel on mine. His hands on me. He is mine.

“I love you, кукла.” He whispers. “I love you too, Любимая.” Thank you Melina for the lessons in Russian and poison. It’s taking everything in me not to do this. I don’t want some grimy fuckers hands on me. All over me. Or even inside me.

At least Melina helped me make a poison for this. “Let’s get this over with, okay?” I ask as his blue eyes shine with worry. “Okay, doll. Just be careful.” “I will.” I squeeze his hand and he does the same before the elevator door opens.

***********

I wake up not incredibly startled this time. That’s new. I place my hand over my chest to smooth my racing heart. That was a real memory. So fucking real it burns.

A tinge of a hangover headache looms. In the darkness, I feel alone in my thoughts, which is a chilling thought.

I shoot straight up and grab the journal sitting on my desk. The one I had when I was captive. The one Bucky gave me and take a peak at it again. Surely about to bring back traumatic memories with HYDRA.

I’m not sure what day it is. I’ve lost count after a while. Especially with what Rumlow has been doing to me. I haven’t received a letter from Bucky and I’m worried. Is he being severely punished like I am? Having his memory wiped so that he can’t remember me? Being beaten like I am? He would definitely hurt Rumlow to the point of him being dead if Bucky knew the shit he pulled today, or tonight. He would also be proud that I kicked Rumlow in the nose to avoid his advances. I may be a Widow and had to use my body, but that never EVER makes it okay for that mother fucker to touch me. It felt disgusting when he ran his hand up my leg. The way he commented on how tense I was. Tried to coerce me to fuck him, for Bucky’s safety. When I said-“

I have to stop reading and slam that book shut. I try to control the short labored breaths. My eyes squeeze shut as I try to block out Rumlow and his antics. All I can see are his hands over me. The shock collar he “gifted” me when I’d turn him down. He wanted to break me, and I wouldn’t let him.

I eventually get up and go into the kitchen. 3am. Of course it’s the witching hour. Speaking of pitches, Wanda walks into view using her powers as a guide through the dark aftermath of the party. Clever girl.

“Couldn’t sleep?” She asks as she grabs things to make tea. It’s a routine we have. One can’t sleep, the other somehow feels it and gets tea ready then we talk. The perks of knowing each other’s habits from having adjoining cells in Sokovia.

“I woke up and then looked into something. You?” “I felt you being in distress.” I nod. “I had a dream about him.” Wanda gets two mugs down from the cabinet. “Him?” Her eyebrows raise.

“Bucky… The Winter Soldier.” Wanda considers this. “Ah, your lover from the Red Room.” So she does remember. “Yeah… it felt real… I can’t explain it. Almost…” I think about it. It definitely happened just like the others. “Déjà vu.”

I smile at her comment. “Yeah…” I start to consider that she knew, but I need more ideas and proof. “We were on a mission in Paris. I had to get more information on potential Widows. I had to seduce men to get it.”

Wanda pours tea into one of the mugs and hands it to me. “You told me you two would go on missions.” Her tone tells me what I’m suspecting so far. “Yeah, Dreykov would call me his greatest strength since Natasha, but also his greatest weakness. Pierce, from what I could semi remember, would use the Winter Soldier because he was Hydra’s greatest assassin. So, we were put together for missions. Or that’s what I know happened.”

She looks at me confused. “Those ‘dreams’ are memories. I swear. I lived them before. Even through the red haze, it’s real.” Wanda stops for a beat and looks at me, her eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”

“Anytime I would be asleep or have a flashback, it has a red tint to it. It almost looks like your power, but you could never do that to me, right? We’re best friends.” I put emphasis on “best friends”.

Wanda smiles. “Right… Besides, why would I take away the one thing that kept you together during that time?” Because my family’s name was on the missile that killed your parents.

It’s right there. I see it on her face. The sheer regret. There’s also a glint of pain in her eyes as well. I need more info. It was her, but I can’t let her in. I need more time.

“I… was sexually abused in the Red Room by Dreykov when I was first kidnapped.” I tell her. “That’s something I’m scared to say out loud. Especially to my parents. I wanted to always stay on his good side. It meant doing really horrible things… in my dream, Bucky wanted me to not harm myself even more…”

I start thinking about Rumlow. “God, all Bucky wanted to do was protect me and run away. I can’t even remember what he was to me.” I take another glimpse at Wanda.

She’s absorbing everything I’m telling her. She feels it. “I’m so sorry, Clare.” I look at her and then I remember another piece of information from when I was rescued.

Wanda implemented visions into each member’s minds. What if she somehow did that to me? I mean, she had a vendetta against the Stark family. My family. What if during those three months she’d twisted everything around to make me absolutely despise Bucky, who was the love of my life.

I start to look at her body language. The way she’s fidgeting with her necklaces. Her hair. She’s avoiding my gaze. Suddenly, her eyes lock into mine and turn red.

“Wanda, meet your best friend, Clare Stark.” Stryker maliciously states as I’m chained to a chair right next to a blinding stone.

“Stark?” She questions. She’s panicked as well. “As in ‘Stark Industries.’” She’s from here. “Indeed. She was also a Black Widow. She commited a crime against the organization by extracting information of her handler… The Winter Soldier.”

A tear streams down my cheek. This poor girl is being used against her well just as I am. I’m about to be murdered for loving Bucky.

“I want you to erase her mem- no… Alter her memories of him. Erase everything she knows about him.” “No.” I wail. “I’ll do anything. Wanda right?” Plead stains my eyes. “Whatever my father’s company did, please know I wasn’t involved. Please.”

My wrist dig into the cuffs and I groan in pain. “You may begin.” Stryker walks out. For a moment, Wanda considers her options. “‘Wanda’. That’s a pretty name. Kind of witchy.” I try to sway her.

She’s astonished by the compliment. It’s as if I offended her. “Thank you…” she quietly says. She surveys the pathetic view in front of her. The beat Black Widow who fell in love. “My father would never do whatever his company did. He has a really, really good heart. I haven’t seen him in over a year.”

Tears form in her eyes. It’s as though she understands. “I’m so sorry.” Her accent breaks. “I have to do this or I will suffer the consequences just like you.” I beg and beg for mercy as she whispers “I’m sorry” over and over again.

Reality sets back in. Betrayal also sets in. Wanda looks at me terrified. It’s dead silent, but I just say, “what the hell did you do to me?”

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hi pookies. Took me longer than expected… but… only the best for Bucky and Clare right? Chapter six is LIVE!

CHAPTER SIX

Tw: guns, alcohol, very very slight mention of torture, the red room, HYDRA, mentions of kidnapping

Once we get back to the compound, the silent mood turns into pure excitement. Laying my eyes on the other jet, I automatically know who’s here. “He’s here a day early!” A huge grin forms on my face. I’m the first to rush in and of course I wanna see my father.

I will always remember the day I was “accidentally” rescued. The team was on a mission to apprehend Stryker. I recall the feeling being intense and eerie. Like, something had happened prior to the events that transpired. Maybe a fight? You could cut the tension with a knife.

The knife that cut it was a familiar voice as I was gathering my things. I thought, “this could be it.” “Please be a door. Please be a door. YIPPIE!” I couldn’t believe who I was hearing. My father opened the door to my cell, which was actually more homey than the one in Serbia.

I was in full disbelief when I saw him. I thought I was hallucinating. I always felt foggy there and I can’t seem to remember why. His eyes brightened in shock. “Clarebear.” His first word to me since that ill-fated night two years ago was my nickname. He hauled me onto that quinjet so quickly that I didn’t get to say goodbye to the twins. Everything moved fast.

Then came the very tearful reunion after Ultron with my mother. The three of us went through so much after that night. Dad was missing all the way in Tennessee and my mother was also kidnapped and was given powers by this thing called Extremis.

Yeah, the three of us went through some fucking shit. I couldn’t talk about what happened for months, until recently. What Rumlow did to me, I can’t even speak out loud yet. I cannot remember what Stryker did though. That part is quite fuzzy and I’m terrified to know.

When I was in the Red Room, I was mind controlled to Dreykov’s liking, only I was defiant. Absolutely, if my theory is correct and Bucky and I were lovers while he trained me, oh yeah. I was Dreykov’s weakness and strength for my smarts and combat. I didn’t even make it to my Graduation ceremony…

Now, as I try to recollect my every being, something feels missing. And I can’t put my finger on it. It feels as if there was this invisible string tethering, pulling. I had that same feeling when I was with Bucky for that split second earlier. It felt warm and familiar. I had butterflies and a sense of peace with him.

I can’t help but to think, could he be it? What that invisible string leads me too? He has to be. I have everything I need and yet, I still feel so empty.

I’m the first to enter the compound. Completely forgetting the two following me as I’m entranced by the decorations. Balloons of my favorite color. Confetti everywhere in black and red. The “CONGRATS CLARE” banner clad onto the kitchen ceiling. Dad had outdid himself.

“DAD!” I shout coming in almost starling Sam a bit. “CLAREBEAR!” He shouts with open arms and then cradles me in them. “I thought you weren’t coming in for another couple of days!” “I thought I'd surprise you! After all, we do have something to celebrate.”

I’m confused for a split second and then remembered. “Oh yeah, I’m part of S.H.I.E.L.D. now!” I say mustering as much excitement as I can. The truth is that I am excited. Truly. However, that overwhelming feeling of feeling like something’s missing from me takes over. Imposter syndrome, maybe?

“Here, have a drink.” Dad says holding out a dirty martini. The very thing that keeps me from thinking of everything, but causes some filthy dreams as of recent. I look at the drink in awe. “I’m not even twenty-one yet.” I say with a chuckle. “Sweetheart, you’ve earned it. Besides, I know you, Wanda, Natasha have drinks secretly.”

“Whoops.” I say sarcastically before grinning at Natasha behind me. “So much for being trained spies, huh?” slips out of my lips and I look around shocked. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” Everyone chuckles a bit. “Don’t be Clare. Humor is the best way to cope.” Vision states.

I grab the drink from dad and grin. “A dirty martini?” “Natasha said that’s all you can handle. Wanda also made it!” I look at the drink and examine it for a second. I smile at the sweet gesture from Wanda. She typically never makes the drinks, so I brace for myself.

“Thanks, Wands!” I call her by the nickname I gave her in Sokovia. She just always gave me those witchy vibes. “It was my pleasure, Clarebear.” A shiver goes down my spine by the way she says my nickname, which doesn’t happen.

“TO AGENT STARK!” Everyone has drinks in their hands at this point. All that’s missing were Thor, Bruce, Clint, and my mother. And theoretically, Bucky. “Cheers!” I say toasting to myself. I quietly drink my drink.

The sting of vodka burns my throat with the hit of vermouth. I giggle. She passed the test. “IT’S SO GOOD WANDS!” Her smile beams all around the room, with a noticeable red hue that sparkles in her eyes…. Just like my dreams.

Believe it or not though, we’ve been each other’s rock since Sokovia. We had adjoining cells. I was close to Pietro as well. He was incredibly protective of both of us.

When we’d have “free time” from being experimented on, Wanda would always tell me that Pietro had a crush on me. I would say he most definitely didn’t and I wouldn’t be looking for anything. Plus, I wanted to stay on Stryker’s good side. Considering I’d be punished if I didn’t comply with the torture.

I suddenly wonder what would happen if I mentioned Bucky to her. I mean, if we were lovers, I would’ve gushed about him to my best friend right? No, not yet. I want to have a good time! By the time I’m buzzed because Wanda put a lot of vodka in my drink, dad pulls me aside.

“C’mon Agent Stark, I have a present for you.” I sip my drink with wide eyes. “You do?” “Of course! Anything for my incredibly intelligent daughter.”

He guides me to my room and I get confused. “Dad…” I start as I spin around to see if there’s anything different. “Not to sound like a spoiled brat, but… where is it?” I add a little giggle.

He smiles before handing me a bracelet. “Aw dad.” I say as he wraps it around my wrist and I inspect it’s colors. Red and grey, with lines of black and burgundy. The colors of a Black Widow and my favorite color. I’m actually quite speechless.

“I know, I really outdone myself.” I laugh at my father. “You did. It’s beautiful.” “I know you don’t find solace in what happened and it traumatized you. I completely understand buttercup. This is a reminder that you are who you are. You could use your abilities for good. You are a good person. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”

I hug him tightly and laughed to hide the tears that were forming. “Thanks, daddy.” He’s right. I will use my abilities for good. The past two years made me who I am, even if I don’t remember the majority of it. “I love the details you put in it.”

I examine it further. It’s nanotechnology! Dad has been raving about his latest work with his suit. I’ve been excited to hear more about it! “Dad… is this what I think it is?” His shit eating grin tells me what I need. “I knew they wanted you to be a consultant for months. I’ve been thinking of how I could be with you. Protect you. So I made you this.”

I laugh. “As if I’m not a former ass kicking Widow.” I laugh more while I look at it and catch another detail. It’s similar to the one I made and then gave to Violet. I’m gonna be sick. “I made the color scheme from that bracelet you made. You are not alone, Clare.”

I hug him tightly again. “Thank you, dad.” I smile lightly. “I love it. Thank you for protecting me.” “Of course sweetheart. I’m your father, it’s my responsibility. My duty… also… you have a new buddy. Say ‘hi.’”

I look around confused. “Hello.” I look at the bracelet and then information about myself pops up as well as its name. I’m startled that I practically jump in my dads arms. “Hello, love!” The British sounding AI system speaks.

Dad smirks. “Meet L.A.N.C.E.! I based his voice off of that boy band you loved!” My dad mentioning One direction makes me want to laugh. “Were you trying to give me an arc reactor next?!” I joke pointing to the object in his chest.

“Do you have shrapnel in your chest?” He retorts back and we both laugh. “I made your own system while I was making F.R.I.D.A.Y.. I figured you can use a system as much as I do.” “Hi L.A.N.C.E. it’s great to meet you!” “It’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Miss. Stark.”

I laugh at the “Miss. Stark”. Thinking of the possibility of “Mrs. Barnes.” “He will also only answer to you. He will be accessible on your bracelet and your other room as well.”

Fuck. My training room. He wasn’t supposed to know about that. “Nice aim with the bullets, by the way.” I laugh nervously. “Well, I did get trained to be a deadly assassin.” We both laugh. “I do wanna see your knife throwing skills too. Just don’t use widow bites on me.” I laugh again. “I won’t. I promise.”

My mood sombers when I start thinking of when I was in the Red Room. When I was training in combat and would fight other Widows in training, including Yelena. “Are you alright?” My dad snaps me out of it.

“Yeah… I’ve just been having nightmares about my captivity - which, I don’t remember most of. It’s crazy how time traumatizes you… How did you get through it?” Dad takes a deep breath as we sit on my bed. “This is gonna sound cliche, but you and Pepper. Coming out as Iron Man helped too. I had nightmares of being in captivity as well.”

I wrap my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, dad. You shouldn’t have gone through that.” “I’m okay, darling. We both went through some shit and it made us who we are today. Even your mother did.”

My mother. “When I was recovering from that alien invasion, I made dozens of suits to cope.” I smile sadly. “I remember.” I speak quietly, thinking of that brief period before I was kidnapped. “It almost cost your mother and I.”

My heart sinks. I do remember them fighting a lot and my dad never sleeping. My mom would be so furious with him. I’d be upset too, with both of them. I wish they could’ve worked it out then. But, my kidnapping and him saving her life brought them back together.

“Where is mom anyway?” I ask. He considers his answer very carefully. I note the hesitation. “She’s dealing with last minute things with Stark. She is really proud of you.”

Being trained to tell if someone is lying completely stuck. There’s something going on that he doesn’t want me to know. Not yet, anyway.

“That’s okay. She’ll see me soon.” I say with a fake smile. Dad smiles back in a sad manner. “Hey L.A.N.C.E.?” I say to test it again, while looking at my information. That’s a flattering photo of me. “Yes, ma’am.” Dad and I both laugh.

“Not ‘ma’am.’ I’m only twenty years old.” “Okay, yes doll.” My eyes widen and burn as I look at the information, which is now tinted red. The photo of me is now of me in my Widow uniform. “Doll.” Bucky’s voice is in my head briefly… he should be here.

“Do you think I could go back for more drinks?” I ask with a smile hiding my pain. “Yes. According to my data, you are not old enough to drink, but Mr. Stark says it’s okay. So, celebrate!”

Okay, I’m loving my new best friend, but my mind is still roaring with thoughts about Bucky and my time in the red room. They’re memories… they have to be. He was or is my lover. I somehow had my memories wiped and somehow they’re coming back. That’s the only explanation, but how?

“Let's celebrate and show off your new gift!” Dad says. “Yeah!0 I say getting ready for the either haunting dreams or filthy dreams.

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hi happy Memorial Day! Here’s Chapter Five!

CHAPTER FIVE

TW: talks of harm, drowning, PTSD, imposter syndrome, weapons

Steve, Natasha and I stand trying to fully comprehend what had just happened. I’ve just encountered Bucky Barnes. The Bucky Barnes that trained me in the Red Room. Steve’s best friend who was presumed dead, only to be taken by HYDRA, and thus, made into the Winter Soldier.

“It was really him.” I break the uncomfortable silence. Steve nods as if he believes me and Nat, we’ll, she doesn’t believe it. “How is that possible? We lost him in the Potomac.”

Steve shakes his head. “No, he saved me from drowning in the river. Judging by the dates in Clare’s journal, he was close to deflecting.” I blink, realizing the letters. He deflected from HYDRA. He escaped.

“And since he’s most likely no longer part of HYDRA, they know Clare is alive and well.” I laugh at the obvious. “Well, yeah. It’s public knowledge because of you guys saving me from Stryker-“ I start getting that familiar feeling.

“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.” I say as I pack what little I have in a satchel. Some widow bites, a gun, a taser. “Well, believe it, my love. We’re getting the hell out of here.” he grabs my face and gingerly kisses my lips.

“Melina and Yelena have informed me they’re hijacking a jet.” I start laughing obnoxiously. Melina is the head scientist of this joint. And Yelena can’t stand me. Just flat-out hates me. She thought I didn’t deserve to be a Widow. To her credit, nobody deserves to be held to that standard.

“Don’t worry love, Yelena actually respects and likes you now.” I laugh even more. “How comforting.” I wrap my arms around his torso and rest my chin on his chest. He’s tense as I feel his heartbeat. “You should probably leave soon. Don’t want to get caught before we can get out, do we?” I kiss his lips as he reaches for me.

It feels like it would be the very last time we’d see each other, almost like a movie scene. We will get through this. “I love you so much, darling. I’ll see you later.” he kisses me harshly, then tenderly, as if this would be the last time we’d be able to do so. I don’t let fear get to me. “I love you too, pumpkin.”

The memory fades back into the present. “We should probably get out of here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” I say as Nat rubs my back comforting me.

“You okay?” She asks. “Yeah… just my PTSD screwing with me.” “A flashback?” I consider telling her before a little girl stops us in our tracks. “Clare Stark?” She asks. Nat and I face each other, then to the little girl. I can feel Steve close by as well.

“Yes.” I say smiling very lightly, expecting something to happen. “It’s really you! My best friends and I love you so much. You’re my role model.” Shock flows through me. This little girl who can’t be more than eight idolizes me. Why? The media casts me as Iron Man’s daughter who was kidnapped and was used and bruised. A damsel in distress.

“That's very sweet of you, sweetheart. I’m flattered.” I can’t lie, I am truly flattered. “I always get made fun of for being different. You inspire me, Clare. If you can prove others wrong with your smarts, I can do anything.”

I squat down as I feel eyes on me. Not giving a fuck about attention. I am a hero to this little girl and her friends. I never thought I would be someone’s role model. At this point, I could give a flying fuck if Ross can see this. Even Dreykov. And Rumlow, that fucking low life can suffer.

“What’s your name, doll?” I ask as I take note of her long auburn hair and big brown eyes. I see myself in her. “Violet.” Her smile brightens up the whole room. “That’s a very beautiful name for a very beautiful little girl like you.”

I felt so forced to tell my story. Hell, I was forced to, by Ross and for his benefit. So he could exploit it. I’ve been used against my will over and over again. It’s time to break that vicious cycle.

I look at the bracelet around my waist. With burgundy, red. gold, and black strands. I’d make it when I would slip into my past and think of those times in captivity. To again, remind myself I was safe. Burgundy is my favorite color, red and gold for my father and black for my past.

“Here.” I say taking it off and hold it in my hands. I’m free. Violet’s mouth opens in disbelief. “For me?” Her big brown eyes brighten. “Yes.” I smile, “I made it when I felt knocked down. When I felt powerless. It’s cheesy, but you are powerful. It’s to always remember there’s power within you and your story. You matter. We matter.”

Violet pulls me into the biggest bear hug. “Thank you, Iron Widow.” I laugh, getting caught off guard. “That’s lovely. I love that. Thank you.” she smiles and says ever so confidently, “Thank you. My friends and I came up with it because you’re Iron Man’s daughter and your story.”

I am Iron Man’s daughter, and a widow. I can be good. “You’re a huge inspiration to everyone at school. Some girls even go through similar things.” Natasha, catching that, puts her hand on my shoulder and crutches down next to me. “What do you mean, sweetheart?”

Violet gets very stern yet scared. “Big, scary men.” Within an instant, it all flashes back to me. Meeting Dreykov. Being tortured and beaten by Rumlow. Being used by Stryker. Ross using me for leverage.

The fire in my belly grows. Ravishes. How the fuck dare these men pick these girls apart and continue to do so?

“I will fight like hell for you. For us. You are such a strong sweet girl. Don’t ever let those beasts get to you.” I hold her in my arms so tightly, I’m afraid to let go. “Thank you Iron Widow.”

When Nat and I walk back to Steve, he gets concerned. “Was everything okay?” He asks as we make our way out. “That little girl said I was her hero. She and her friends are being harmed.”

We stop briefly. “We don’t know if-“ “Nobody should be used or hard in any way, Nat. You know that better than anyone.” I need to stop being so scared of my past and what happened. “I want to help.”

Chapter Six will be out the weekend of June 13th! ♥️🦾🥀

[kaittalkstoomuch]

HI YALL! long time no see…. Chapter Four is LIVE!

Arms Around a Memory: Chapter Four

As we enter the museum, I get a sensation of panic. as Natasha and Steve are part of the Avengers, they’d get noticed instantly. Myself, as the daughter of Tony Stark, may also get recognized. It was apparently a grand deal when they found me in Slovakia.

Of course, it’s because I'm Iron Man’s daughter. However, it was Thaddeus Ross’ idea to broadcast my return and make it all about him. That fucking jackass also wanted me imprisoned, but that’s when everyone swooped in. The compromise? My absolute bullshit tell-all.

Yep, I had to tell the world about my trauma, and better yet, relive it. He wanted me so overly exposed to make sure I don’t do anything “rash”, which, why the fuck would I? I wanted to put everything behind me and spend my life with my family. So, to make a long story short, I do not want to be noticed.

I arrange my beanie on my head as we walk around. I mean business, so I beeline to the exhibit. Natasha and Steve follow. So far so good. “Clare.” Nat says, trying to catch up. “Clare.” She catches up. “Slow down a bit.” “Sorry, I just want to get this over with.” Wow, the place that once brought me solace now brings me distress. Who fucking knew.

Steve gets to my left side while Natasha is on my right. “We’ll be your bodyguards.” Nat says while trying to make me laugh. We continue our trek and I remember the good memories about coming here. Why it excited me.

You’d absolutely think stereotypically, a girl would fantasize about the boys at school, or whatever. Here’s the funny thing. The boys wanted to meet my hot shot father, so they would try to use me to get brownie points, and even then, I knew what they were doing. I would show them up. And I was extremely happy to do it.

So, when dad or mom would take trips to D.C., I’d ask the go, and that’s when it started. I’d never hear much about my grandfather, just that he was a pioneer for S.H.I.E.L.D. and played a key role in Captain America. My curiosity was piqued.

I’ve always known my father didn’t want to push too hard on me just like Howard did with him. So, I naturally wanted to know who my grandfather was, and my grandmother who I got my middle name from. I was born four years after their deaths. December 16th, 1995 in sunny California.

I am apparently just like them, dad says. I never knew what happened to them. Nobody truly knows. We make it to Captain America’s exhibit, where I get a quick glimpse at Steve. He’s nervous, so I give him a reassuring smirk. “Hey,” I start. “At ease, soldier.”

Natasha starts cracking up and Steve smiles. “It’s just always surreal to look at this. Especially with Bucky still being alive.” I get chills. “You’re right. It feels strange to me looking at these.” I walk around. “I used to love looking at this exhibit.”

“Would it have anything to do with your grandfather?” Natasha asks. “I think so, I never met my grandparents. It’s crazy to think that we’re connected somehow. The fact I was born four years after they died..” “Do you think their deaths were an accident?”

A slight tinge of deja vú hits me. I couldn’t explain it, but it felt as if I briefly remembered. I always thought they were murdered. Or, maybe, I was told in secrecy. I try to scramble my brain for any recollection, but nothing.

“Honestly, I’m not sure…” I try to sound stern, not fully believing myself. We start to walk around more, getting a feel of things. I hear gasps of children and adults alike as I turn to get a quick glance. Nat and Steve take pictures and talk with the crowd as I continue. I lay my eyes on the Howling Commandos memorial, I walk toward it without hesitation.

The audio of the narration plays as I focus on the memorial. Particularly, James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes. Another chill goes down my spine as I look, no, admire him. This is what I loved before the Red Room, before HYDRA. Looking into his eyes, it feels as though I knew him. I couldn’t believe it.

I continue to walk to the individual memorials. Every soldier that was part of the Howling Commandos. What they did during the war, with Steve. I wonder about Bucky’s. It takes my breath away immediately. This man saved countless lives and gave his all for the war, only to get captured by HYDRA, rescued by Steve, and recaptured by HYDRA.

“You were a great man, Mr. Barnes.” I close my eyes as basically every moment with him comes to mind as if they were pictures. One sticks out. When I was first introduced to him. It’s not red tinted, but a normal looking memory.

Another memory comes up. We’re training and it seems more real than ever. He’s my sparring partner and he’s talking to me about the war and my grandfather. Being kidnapped by HYDRA. I told him I trusted him immediately because he was Captain America’s best friend. He has that calming domineer, brooding but protective. “He was a brave man.” Slips out of my mouth looking at his picture.

“He was.” A familiar, chilling voice speaks, breaking me out of my trance, but I don’t dare turn around. Something about it chills me to the bone. Like I should be scared, but I’m not. I feel safe. “He saved so many lives without even realizing it.” I continue on, having a good feeling I know who it is. The training in the Red Room really paid off.

“Including my own.” I swallow feeling his eyes on me. Those steel blue eyes that I’d savor. When he doesn’t say anything at all, that’s when I turn around. No fear. Not this time. Fear doesn’t even register in my mind when I face the man. He’s shielding the majority of his build with a jacket and a hat, much like I’m doing right now. I could immediately see those striking blue eyes anywhere.

I officially put two and two together, officially putting my Stark genes to the test. “James?” I look into his eyes and he seems to register what I’ve said. The energy changes from tense to calm. I can feel him being in disbelief, probably from me being alive after everything.

“Is it you? Bucky?” The disbelief goes to relief in his motions, but he doesn’t dare touch me. It almost feels like seeing a lost loved one. A lover… “It’s you…” He utters before going into terror.

I reach out slowly to see what happens, but he panics. “Bucky, wait!” “I can’t stay here, and neither can you. I love you and I’ll see you soon.” And just like that, he disappears.

Now I’m the one in disbelief, relief and terror. Was that really him? Was I daydreaming? Looking at his picture and just thinking really hard of him? It had to be real. The feeling with him felt… safe. Was it how it was in the Red Room? He made me feel safe in that place. The pieces start to come together, but I need to figure out how.

Steve and Natasha come up and I look at them in shock still standing in front of the memorial. Bucky’s memorial. “Clare… are you okay?” Steve asks. I swallow the shock and look around to see if Bucky was still around. “He was here.” I manage to say, Nat gets the idea. “Bucky was with me.”

Chapter Five will come out the weekend of May 24th. Pinky promise. 🥀🦾

[kaittalkstoomuch]

hey all! i bet you’re wondering when chapter four comes out!

it’s been crazy! so, i’m thinking this. it’ll be every two weeks, but either Friday, Saturday or Sunday! i will be posting chapter four either saturday or sunday! thank you so much! more of clare and bucky soon!

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hey guys! Here’s Chapter Three. I promise I’ll be better with posting! Next chapter will be the weekend of the 26th!

Arms Around a Memory: Chapter Three

Tw: PTSD, flashbacks, Dreykov, Rumlow, mentions of killing

“Clare,” Bucky speaks softly as we kiss tangled in the sheets of our hotel. It seems we’re on a mission, possibly for HYDRA. “Yes?” I ask as I nip on his neck. In a faded red tinted memory, he seems less intimidating, more delicate. It also seems I’m not being taunted by him, which makes this feel more real.

“I was thinking… if we met under different circumstances, would we have crossed paths?” He seemed more and more of himself in this particular flashback. “I mean… under different circumstances, you’d probably be the Winter Soldier, and I’d be absolutely scared shitless of you.”

I lightly smile and tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear. His striking blue eyes look into mine as he lays on top of me. “Are you terrified of me now?” He asks almost teasingly, with a hint of curiosity. I bite my bottom lip, trying to conceal the feeling of needing him.

“No, not one bit.” It’s true. Even when he is the Winter Soldier, activated by a few words I couldn’t mutter, I knew who he was beneath that. Very charming, protective, soft. The Winter Soldier was horrifying, brooding, and would hurt you, no, kill you. And yet, somehow, I knew he’d never hurt me.

“How so, darling?” His metal arms tighten around me. “You could never hurt me. Ever. As Bucky, obviously, but… as the Winter Soldier, I know you can’t. I know the real you, and the Winter Soldier is something that was created. You have a heart, James. I fell for it hard.”

He flips us around to where I’m on top of him. “You also like a woman on top.” I can’t help but to laugh. “Oh, I do darling. Especially you.” He’s the one who’s laughing now. “Would you date me under different circumstances?” I ask as I trace lines along his chest.

“Yes, I would. Maybe a small part of me would show through the Winter Soldier and would save you. I’d do everything in my power to protect you, darling. Rather you’re a Widow or not. Rather I’m the Winter Soldier or not. It would be my first priority.”

He presses his soft lips against mine. I savor and relish the feeling of them. I look around and start laughing again. “Don’t we have a mission?” I raise my eyebrows and start to rise from the bed with the comforter wrapped around me before I feel him pull me back down.

“No, no. Not yet.. Besides…” he plays with my disheveled hair. “I need you.” The husk in his voice lures me in. “Yes, soldier.” I dive back down to nip on his lips and then his collar bone. His moans fill the room as well as his praises. “You feel so good, darling.” “Yes, baby. Just like that.”

“Hey Clare.” A hushed voice raises me awake and Bucky is replaced by Natasha. “Wake up, sleepy head. We’re here.” I look around and chuckle. I had a great dream, and it felt even more real. It may have had that scarlet tint to it, but it was extremely faded. What could that possibly mean?

The three of us group together. “So, what’s the plan?” Natasha asks. That’s when I grab everything out of my bag. “These are the letters I received from Bucky. And… the journal from while I was in HYDRA.”

Natasha and Steve look at the book astonished. This journal holds my darkest moments. The ones that only I know of and only started opening up about to my therapist. I could never, ever tell my parents about them. This journal could crush them. “Are you sure?” Steve asks. I cross my arms across my chest as if telling it to be still.

“Yes, I’m sure.” I clear my throat. Steve and Nat start to read about my life in HYDRA, so I decide to step away and text my dad. “Hey dad. Steve, Nat and I are in D.C. for a little getaway.” I look up from my phone to briefly see them glued into the stories. “We’re safe.”

I look over back to the two who are still hyper focused. Possibly gathering information or forming theories. I never bothered to look back much on the journal during the first few months back to life, only starting three months ago. I didn’t want to relive that. The letters were a different story. Those would bring comfort.

I feel my phone buzzing and my father is calling me. Fuck. I step aside from their view and answer it. “Hey dad.” I mutter putting my brave face on. “Hey sweetheart. How’s D.C.?” He asks while I look at my nails, trying not to think too hard about what’s in that journal.

“It’s great. We’re going to the Smithsonian to look around and explore. Maybe go by S.H.I.E.L.D…. I’m sure they want to see my progress.” Great Clarebear. You’re a fucking Stark. Your father could see through the lie, or at least you are circling around the truth.

Somehow, I don’t think telling him we’re here for my therapy would work. Maybe I’ll tell him it’s exposure therapy. That’s the truth right? Right.

“Clare… the last we’ve heard, you’ve been doing exceptionally well. They even want to make you a consultant. This news shocks me. Me, a consultant for the very organization I was forced to steal files from for the Red Room? They think so highly of me, even after I succeeded in that mission.

“Dad… are you serious?” I ask still in that shock. “Yeah! I’m so incredibly excited for you! I’ve just got the news myself. Are you ready for it?” “Hell yes I am!” I look at the other two who seem to have heard my excitement.

“What would I be doing, exactly?” “I would assume you would consult with information about criminals.” I immediately think of a couple: Dreykov and Rumlow. I would include Pierce, since it was his bright idea to take me away to HYDRA, but he’s dead. Nat filled me in once when I was getting better, and also earlier, talking about The Winter Soldier.

Rumlow would be a luxury to get revenge on. After all, he did torture me in HYDRA and he deserves to pay. Dreykov, well, I’d love to get him too. He’d kidnap young girls and turn them into assassins to his liking. I shudder at the thought of him. Enough daydreaming about getting my revenge, focus Clare.

“I’m looking forward to working with Colton, Fury, and Hill.” The three people in the organization who fought like hell for me. Steve motions for me to come over. “Oh, hey dad. I gotta go! We’re about to head into the museum! I love you!” “I love you too! Agent Clare Stark.”

A tinge of pain shoots through me the minute dad says “Agent Clare Stark.” Not just “Agent Stark.” Fuck the Red Room. I am now an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I hang up and shake off the nerves as I walk back to the two, still feeling the uneasiness of being awake.

“Hey guys!” I say smiling. They grin back. “Good news?” Natasha asks. Steve’s grin grows seemingly knowing what it could be. “S.H.I.E.L.D. wants to possibly make me a consultant, which is insane. It’s insane because I’m not even done with therapy yet.”

“Well, maybe you have some advocates by your side, Clarebear.” Steve says. I giggle hearing him call me, “Clarebear.” But also, what the hell does he mean by “advocates”? I raise my eyebrows in question and chuckle in surprise. “Advocates… what are you talking about?”

“He’s saying that himself, myself, and Fury put in a good word. Even Maria and Coulson. We all believe in you.” Natasha says as even more shock runs through me. “And… my dad…. He just told me the good news myself.” I let myself have a nervous chuckle. Natasha looks like she wants to say something but stops herself. “We all believe in you, Clare. I will be your mentor, since I am also a former Widow.”

“That’s so great…” I look at the haunting diary in front of me. “Did you come up with any conclusions? Ways to approach that?” I point to the book, not wanting to touch it. “Well….” Steve starts. “For starters, it seems the reason why HYDRA would torture you is because of the possibility of having information of the Winter Soldier that nobody knows. Let alone having a relationship with him.”

“It’s quite evident they were trying to break you to pieces only to put you back together by hypnosis. And judging by these letters, they wanted to hurt you. So, they made it seem like he wanted to punish you while in Sokovia.” Natasha says.

My heart skips a beat. “Which was never in his character, at least with Bucky.” “He wouldn’t as the Winter Soldier, either. I do believe somehow the hypnosis is wearing off. But that doesn’t explain why Dreykov would send me to HYDRA to punish me.”

Natasha has a puzzled look on her face. “I thought Dreykov was dead. I saw it happen and Clint did too.” I shiver at the remembrance of meeting him. The way he’d taunt me. “And you must be Clare Maria Stark. It is a pleasure to finally meet you.” I want to vomit just thinking about it. So, I clear my mind.

“He’s not… he and his daughter survived Budapest.” Natasha gets scared for a moment. “I’m just happy you're out of his hands, completely.” “Me too.” Natasha gives me a tight hug.

“You’re resilient and brave.” She says. “We had to stop a couple of times reading that. Rumlow will pay for what he’s done.” “Don’t tell my father. He would be wrecked if he knew everything I endured.” “We won’t. Promise.” Steve says.

“So…” I say trying to lighten the mood. “Are we ready?” I grab my bag. “Yes, we are.” Nat says as she gets her jacket on. “Who knows, we can run into Sharon.” She whispers loud enough for Steve to hear. “I heard that!” “You were meant to!” I laugh as we exit the quinjet, feeling relieved I’m actually on my feet.

[kaittalkstoomuch]

🚨ATTENTION🚨

There will not be a new chapter this Saturday due to me working that night. Instead, chapter three will be out April 12th!! In the meantime, chapter two is still pinned on my page! Happy reading!

[kaittalkstoomuch]

SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY! It’s okay though, cause it’s live now! Here is chapter 2. Chapter 3 will be out April 5th!

Chapter Two

Tw: The Winter Soldier, being sedated. Flashbacks.

I go into my room to grab a few essentials for the trip. Pepper spray, a pair of clothes just in case, a jacket, of course a bag to bring my stuff in and the red journal. The one Bucky supposedly gave me while in HYDRA. Why can’t I remember him? A question that’s been going on in my head since he started flooding my mind as of recent.

I go to my little nook where my books and research are. My mother managed to dig it out of the remains of our home in California. When I moved to the Compound, I didn’t want to decorate my room the exact same way. It would remind me of when I was abducted. California would remind me of it. I couldn’t go back.

I couldn’t do that to myself or my family, to relive that painful part of my life. I just want to move forward from it. So, with that being said, why couldn’t I move on from Bucky? I should be terrified of him. I understand with trauma, my memory would be foggy. I have lapses, of course, but it shouldn’t be this bad. Ironically, my dreams are what comfort me. I grip on the dog tag as I get my stuff and get out of my room.

“Hey, you ready?” Steve asks. “Yeah. I got my journal and some of the letters too. I figured they could help.” We walk to the quinjet. “Brilliant. As long as this helps you. That’s all that matters.” I nod and then look at my phone. My father texted me asking me how my appointment went.

“Good. We’ve made some progress.” “I’m so happy to hear that, sweetheart. I’ll be coming up in the next couple of days to see you.” “Awesome! I can’t wait to see you. I love you.” “I love you too.”

I lightly smile at the phone before the feeling of unease envelops me, as I lay my eyes on the quinjet. Suddenly, the world zooms out and then blurs. I’m in my own head. Get me out. Get me out.

“Okay, Agent Stark, you may feel a pinch.” Melina injects a sedative into my arm. “Do you feel anything? Any dizziness?” She asks as she gingerly places a hand on my shoulder. “I’m a little woozy, but I guess it’s the nerves over my first mission.” Melina rubs my arm. “You will do great. Dreykov is very pleased with your progress. Very obedient.”

My handler, the Winter Soldier, barges in seemingly ready to collect me as I go into unconsciousness. “Is she ready?” He asks in a demanding tone. “Yes Soldier, she’s ready.” He forcefully grabs my arm, but I yank it away. “I don’t need your help.” I growl as I stand up and tell Melina I’d see her later.

“What the hell is your problem?” He snarls as we walk into the hallway leading to the jet. “You know exactly what my fucking problem is.” He grabs my forearm with his metal hand, making me yelp. “Let go of me.” “Don’t be a fucking brat then, дорогая.”

I start to see the dots in my vision. My body starts to feel lightweight and heavy at the same time. “Oh here we go.” I hear the Winter Soldier speak before we board the jet. He lays me on the floor and checks my pulse. “I’m so sorry.” I hear him whisper before I blackout as I feel being lifted into the air.

“Clare…” I hear a voice echoing. “Clare.” When I come to focus, it’s Steve holding my forearm making sure I’m okay. “Are you okay?”

I look at my surroundings. I am safe. “Yeah…. Just a… flashback.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “Maybe once we’re up in the air.” I say before we walk onto the quinjet and settle in. I have to keep telling myself I’m safe and no longer in the Red Room. That I’m not being sedated to keep the location a secret. I am alive. I am okay.

I examine everything as I sit in the front. I grip onto the arms of the chair, looking straight ahead. A little cloudy, but it's broad daylight. When we’d go on missions in the Red Room, it felt as if it was night time. However, that could have been the sedative.

Steve sits down in the chair beside me, I flinch a bit. “Oh, sorry. Did I scare you?” He asks while putting a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “Yeah… a bit… I’m sorry.” Steve has a puzzled look. “Why are you sorry?”

I think back to those times. “When I was in the Red Room, they would knock us out every time we’d leave and come back. Waking up not knowing where you are is scary. But, waking back up in that place was pure hell. It was a hell you couldn’t escape. I’m sure Natasha told you about her time in there, so you can imagine what it was like…. But then getting thrown into HYDRA was an even worse hell.”

I don’t even notice that I’m shaking. It takes Steve to snap me out of it to see it. “Hey, you’re okay. You’re safe now, okay? And besides, you can kick ass now.” I give him a shit eating grin. “Language.”

“Who told you about that?” Just when I’m about to answer, it’s answered for me by my big sister. “Me.” I’m not surprised that Natasha's coming. In fact, I’m ecstatic. As much as I love Wanda, I’ve known Natasha since I was fifteen, since she was undercover as Natalie Rushman. My dad didn’t like me hanging out with her and basically idolizing her, but my mother thought it was good.

“Nat, what are you doing here?” I ask not trying to hide my excitement. “Steve thought you needed moral support. And who is better than me?” Yep, exactly.

“So, you were in love with the Winter Soldier, huh?” She sits on the chair next to mine. I spin mine to face her. “Supposedly, yes. We have a theory that HYDRA put me in a hypnotic state to somehow configure my memories of Bucky and how we were possibly in love.”

Natasha looks at me considerably. “So, we’re taking a field trip to D.C. to get her memory going?” “Her therapist recommended it. It could help her PTSD and make sense of it.” Steve says as he gets the controls ready. “We at least have to tell Tony.”

“No.” I stop Nat. “Not just yet, okay? I know one of your conditions, or really mine, is to keep him in the loop of my whereabouts. But, I already told him my appointment went well. He said he’s coming over in a couple of days.” “Could I at least tell him we’re going to D.C. on a little trip?” “Sure. I just want to be completely sure of everything before I tell him.”

“Okay Clarebear. I got you.” She does, truly. Has since I was fifteen and I hated that Justin Hammer fucker. My father worked incredibly hard on those suits. There was no way Hammer was gonna get his grubby hands on them. “Are we ready for take off?” Steve asks. Natasha and I buckle our seatbelts. “Yes, captain.” I say as we lift off.

[kaittalkstoomuch]

It’s that time again! Chapter One is live!

Arms Around a Memory: Chapter One

Tw: mentions of attempted sexual assault, mentions of kidnapping. Mentions of torture.

Hi Clare. How has everything been since I’ve last seen you?” I shudder at the thought of everything I’ve been through. The Red Room. Hydra. Becoming a Widow. Becoming a prisoner. It all flashes in my mind, but all that comes out is, “everything has been good.”

She jots down notes in her journal. I cross my legs and squeeze tightly, as I always did with anxiety. “Do you feel comfortable recounting what had happened?” No, but I have to, right? I think to myself. I look out the window, deep in thought. Clare, you’re safe now. You’re okay.

“… I think so.” I speak softly. “Okay, take your time. There is absolutely no rush.” Nine months of hearing that. Of hearing there was no rush to talk about what had happened the last two years. I just close my eyes and everything flashes back. Being kidnapped. Meeting Dreykov. Being trained to be an assassin. Almost having to kill my father on a mission. Being taken by Rumlow and was tortured. Beaten, burned. Then, being sent to Sokovia for further punishment.

“Well, as you probably know, the Red Room kidnapped me when I was freshly seventeen. I was held captive by them to train as a Widow, by theory to eliminate the Avengers. Thus, murdering my father. They thought I would be an excellent assassin, having the same intelligence of a Stark, the beauty of a Potts. It was incredibly sick.”

I stop for a moment for more recollection. “Then, I was sent to HYDRA after one very, very successful mission. I never understood why. I thought I did great. I did what I was told to do. That was when I met Rumlow. He was a piece of shit. The fucking worst. He was in charge of my punishments…” I feel the tears forming.

“What would he do?” She asks as I grab a tissue. “He’d burn me with a rod that you’d use for branding. Except it was to punish me. It was so sadistic. He was ruthless. There were times when he’d starve me. Whatever he said would go. I thought I was going to die.”

She writes more in her journal. “Did he ever…” my eyebrows furrow. “Did he… what? Sexually assault me? He’d try? But I was too quick to stop him. I’d use my combat skills from the Red Room. That’s how I’d survive. Guess he got tired of it by sending me to Sokovia.”

“Do you remember what happened in Sokovia? I understand you became best friends with the Maximoffs.” I try to recollect my time in Sokovia. It was a research base. “It's a bit fuzzy remembering it. I do remember them trying to use me for information, but it just seems…. To be rose colored. I can’t explain it, but it wasn’t entirely bad. I had a bit more freedom in that base. I was free from Rumlow, from Dreykov.”

“Do you remember who trained you in the Red Room?” The thought stops me in my tracks. Flashes of the Red Room come. Me and him in the shooting range, rose colored. He’d bark orders at me. Would scream at me if I did something wrong. He and I would often yell at each other. All of it feels out of place, so wrong. “Yes.. The Winter Soldier.” I say nonchalantly as my therapist stops writing. “‘The Winter Soldier’.” She repeats my tone, adding concern.

“Yes.” I’m fully aware that the Winter Soldier was lethal. Always have. I was terrified of him when he trained me. I also believe that’s why I was sent to Serbia then Sokovia. The Winter Soldier appears in my dreams. It’s not the version I’ve learned about. Rather, a softer, caring, version. A nightmare for me would be disobeying Dreykov, getting tortured by Rumlow, and killing my father.

“Do you have any recollection of the Winter Soldier?” I hold the dog tag that hangs around my neck. The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes, owns them officially. “I do, but they’re very rose colored. Like, very dream-like.” “What do you mean?” I hold and grip onto the dog tag.

“I have dreams of Bucky.” I state. “The Winter Soldier.” I shake my head. “No, nothing about the Winter Soldier. Bucky Barnes. He was Steve’s best friend and then he was kidnapped by HYDRA and then turned into a weapon. I have dreams about him.” “What do they entail?”

I smile shyly at the thought. “He’s a loving gentleman. He and I would go on missions… or we’d be in bed. We’d sneak around so we wouldn’t get caught. It almost feels real, and oddly comforting.”

“What were the missions like?” She asks. “In the dreams or in real life?” “The dream.” “Well, in the dream, it was our exact mission to steal files from S.H.I.E.L.D. where I almost killed my father. I was terrified of meeting with the Avengers. Bucky would comfort me. Tell me I was not a monster. I remember being horrified. But, we were a great team, but even better as lovers.”

“‘Lovers.’” “Yes, we’d have the most ethereal time together.” “Wow, I wonder if he was actually great and that’s why you’ve been having dreams.” I consider it. “Do you think it actually could’ve been real? That HYDRA could somehow wipe my memories? Or at least alter them?”

“What makes you say that?” She questions. I question this as well. How could I possibly think this? I’m supposed to be horrified by the Winter Soldier… It could be this journal I had since I was captive. I keep reading it when I’m anxious. I guess it’s time to mention it.

“I… have a journal from when I was in Serbia, it’s small enough to hide it. I would write about my days there. The ruthless torture… apparently Bucky too. Bucky would also write me letters. This may sound insane, but I think we were in love. The more I think about it. He was keeping me alive when I should’ve died. I remember shortly before I was kidnapped, I’d read so much about the super soldier serum and how the Winter Soldier came to be. How HYDRA would take innocent people. I’ve actually known Nat since I was fifteen and now I often think both HYDRA and the Red Room would be the same.”

I laugh at myself. “Maybe that’s why HYDRA had me in Sokovia, for my knowledge. For how I was intrigued by the idea that someone can do that. Then, it happened to me. It’s crazy.”

My therapist nods. “Do you think the research base in Sokovia somehow hypnotized you into thinking bucky was the worst thing imaginable?” “I do. I mean, people say dreams have meaning. It could be my PTSD or both. Or maybe I’m crazy and think that Bucky was my savior during my time in need when I needed someone.”

I think of my memories, they always have a rose colored tint, if not red. It also seems my therapist has an idea. “I know what you can do.” I raise my eyebrows. “You are better than you were nine months ago. I want you to look over your research, your journal. Go to the Smithsonian and look over that exhibit. Try to reconnect with your younger self and really focus on it. Focus on what you think you remember. This could possibly help your PTSD. Think of it as exposure therapy.”

I think about it. I could go and freak myself out. “What if I see him, or get taken again?” “Don’t go alone. Bring someone with you.” I know exactly who to bring. Steve. That was his best friend. He was the one who also suggested I stay at the compound when my father disagreed. He eventually gave in. Wanda is my neighbor essentially. We’ve been each other’s support system. It should just be Steve with me.

******

Once my session is over, I walk over to Steve’s room. He can’t possibly turn down my offer right? I’m sure he’d be okay with it. For sure. Why am I so nervous?

“Clare, you got this. Why do you feel panicked?” I ask myself out loud before forcing myself to knock. “Come in!” Steve chirps. Thank god. I go in as Steve looks at files and smiles at me.

“Clare!” He excitedly says as I quietly say “hi.” “How was your session today?” He asks as I sit on the chair adjacent to his. “It was good. Actually, we made a breakthrough… and I wanted to talk to you about it.”

Steve raises his eyebrows. “Congratulations! That’s great! What was it?” I consider what I’m about to do. I’m about to tell him it’s Bucky, his best friend. I’m really about to unload so much information and worry how he’ll respond, which, that’s stupid. He’d be up in arms trying to find him.

I decide to take off the dog tag and hold it gingerly in my hands. “Remember how I’ve said I was trained by someone who I couldn’t speak of or he might appear?” Steve eyes the item in my hands. I think of my next words carefully. “The Winter Soldier trained me and I need to know if you’ll come with me to locate him.”

Steve grabs the dog tag from my hands and studies it. “I gave him his dog tags to remember who he was.” “Then he gave me one of them in Serbia and I’m trying to figure out why.”

That’s when I tell him about the dreams and what they could mean. “Bucky is not this menacing weapon they conditioned you to know.” Steve starts once I ask about him. “He’d defend me when I couldn’t. He was definitely a ladies man. He also admired your grandfather. That very last time we went to something, it was your grandfather’s Expo.”

I take in everything. Who he was and what happened. He’s someone I could’ve loved back then. “What was it like when you saw him again after all those years?” “Shock. I thought it wasn’t real. I thought he was dead. When I saw him, I wanted to do everything in my power to help him. When we fought, it was as if a flicker of him appeared. It was almost a relief, until he disappeared after getting me out of the Potomac.”

My mind goes to a letter Bucky left with the single dog tag. “That must’ve been the mission he went on before I went to Sokovia. He said he ran into a bird, a Widow, and another super soldier, you. Now I understand.” “Do you still have those letters?” “And the journal. I want your help to figure out why this version of Bucky haunts me.”

Steve automatically agrees. “Where to?” “The Smithsonian. My therapist thinks if I go there like I used to before my abduction, I could remember why he’s so important to me.” I smirk. “Plus, you can see Sharon.” Steve laughs. “I’m in.”

[kaittalkstoomuch]

IT IS TIME!!! Hello, hi I hope you are doing well! Welcome to Arms Around a Memory. Get a snack, some wine, maybe tissues (you might need them) and enjoy!

Arms Around a Memory: The Prologue

Tw: some violence, blood, Rumlow being absolutely gross, torture, murder, the Winter Soldier (cause ya know, it’s the Winter Soldier)

MAY 2014

ARMS AROUND A MEMORY

The Prologue

MAY 2014

“Bucky…” I gasp as my forbidden lover comes into my room. Forbidden as in he’s training me to become a deadly assassin and it’s supposed to be strictly professional. But, we fell in love anyway, and it was so hard. He feels the closest thing to normal as I can get since I was kidnapped by this hellhole program. Here I am, training to be a Widow, expected to complete my training tomorrow by going through the Graduation Ceremony.

It was never, ever my intention to fall for my superior. I didn’t ask to be taken from my life in California. It’s not everyday your family gets attacked and your house gets blown up all because your father is an Avenger. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen my mother, and my father, as recent as this past mission.

Bucky and I had been sent to extract files from S.H. I.E.L.D. and while going to grab them for HYDRA, there was my father. The absolute shock on his face upon who I’ve become is permanently etched into my brain. See, I’m just like him. I’m incredibly defiant when it comes to rules and I was supposed to “forget” him and my mother, Pepper Potts. Who he saw that night wasn’t his daughter Clare Maria Stark. It was Agent Stark.

“Clare…” I close the door quickly but gently, then run into Bucky’s arms. I put my lips needily and hushed. There is so much going on in my mind. We’d just gotten word that because we did so incredible on the mission, my training is complete and I will need to go through the Graduation Ceremony. Just another thing to take away from me.

Of course being the Winter Soldier, Bucky was told to go. And me, a Black Widow who shouldn’t have an issue with obedience, was chosen to go. Alexander Pierce, the leader of HYDRA, saw Bucky and I training one day with Dreykov, the leader of the Red Room. He thought we were perfect.

I was absolutely terrified. They sedated me when I left and came back, a standard thing they do to Black Widows. I also had to keep my emotions in check, in case we’d run into the Avengers, of course that happened when I saw my father. I never ever thought I’d see him again. It was as if he saw a ghost.

So, with my impressive espionage skills, I’ve satisfied Dreykov and Pierce. That not only I succeeded in training, I’ll be getting the rest of my autonomy taken away completely tomorrow.

“I can’t do this, Bucky.” I cry into his shirt. His chest I’ve grown to love so much. Fuck, and being in his arms. He’s been my rock throughout this past year. Without him, I actually probably would’ve died. I’m as strong as I am because of him.

“I know, doll. I know.” He holds my chin with his metal hand and his regular arm around me. “I won’t let them change me. I won’t. They took me away from my family, my friends. Now they’re taking away another thing. My fucking freedom.” I say as Bucky feels my pain, because HYDRA did the same to him almost seventy years ago. “We just had to do so fucking well on that mission. I killed someone.”

I hyperventilate as Bucky holds me comfortingly. “They turned us both into monsters.” I rasp. He rubs my back as we sit on my bed and I look up at him. “I swear to God, I don't deserve you.” I sniffle as he holds my face in the palms of his hands. “You are not a monster. We are not monsters. You are the reason why I feel human again.”

He kisses my head and I pay attention to how his blue eyes glow. They’re so beautiful and calming. I remember how I started trusting him.

“Hey Stark.” I stop for a moment while we spar. “What?” I ask, semi hostile, keeping my guard up. “You know… I worked with your grandfather.” He throws a fist at me, I catch it smirking getting semi intrigued.

“Did you?” I ask as I throw a fist at him. “Yes… from World War Two.” I raise my hands up in fists. What he doesn’t realize was I already trust him, as I was interested in the World War Two exhibit at the Smithsonian. I didn’t know why I was so intrigued by it, but I’ve always understood that Bucky was Steve’s best friend.

“Okay, and your point?” “My point is, I see where you have your fearlessness from.” I start to move my fist into the pads laid on his hands. Bucky barely moves an inch, until he grabs my hand with his metal hand and pulls me into his body, then wrapping his arm around me.

I for once pay close attention to his eyes and how blue they are. He must’ve been a charmer before HYDRA took him. A looker for sure. I definitely would’ve picked him over Steve, and that’s not to say I don’t think Steve isn’t great, he’s amazing. There’s just something about Bucky.

“You’re a Stark, Clare. You are a resilient fighter. There’s a reason why you’re learning very quickly… that and well….” He smirks which I’ll admit is hot. “You have an amazing trainer.” I can’t help but to laugh. “I do…. So tell me why I’m about to do this.”

Within a split second, my elbow goes into his stomach. I spin out of his grip, almost like a dance. I smirk as he lands on the floor. “Genetics.” He strains and I crack up as I give him a hand. “You know, you should never trust that.” “Why?” I challenge him as he grabs my hand, pulls me down, which then turns into a roll and trip him by swinging my leg beneath him.

He’s back on his ass again. “So, I’m resilient right?” I smirk as he laughs. “And cocky.” Just like my father. He gets back up and we stand close together, feeling our chest heave up and down for breathing.

“What happened to you was incredibly fucked up, I’m so sorry that happened.” I say. “I did some reading in school.” He raises his eyebrows. “Oh did you?” “I’d go to this World War Two exhibit and there would be a photo of you with Steve Rogers.” He seems to have a vague memory of him, as he has a beam of recognition on his face.

“I’d always what happened to you… like, what did HYDRA do to you…” I say quietly looking around and run my finger along his metal arm, he doesn’t flinch. “And now I know… and like my situation, it’s not fair. We both deserve a better life.” Bucky understands what , by the sheen of his eyes. “There’s an exhibit about me?”

I laugh while nodding, looking around to make sure we’re alone. “You were Captain America’s best friend… you didn’t know my grandfather, but he was one of the major figures to fight against HYDRA.” “Right…” “So, I guess what I’m saying is, I trust you.”

Bucky flashes me a smile. “So, now what, soldier?” I ask and he stands dangerously close to me. “Self-defense.” He whispers in my ear before he sweeps me and I land on all fours, ready to fight.

I’m back to reality. Bucky and I hold each other tight in the dark room. His metal arm is warm around me and I’m curled up against his body. It’s absolutely silent. You can hear a pin drop. I rest my head on his chest, memorizing my favorite sound. My mind races thinking about what’s to happen tomorrow. What’s being taken away.

“James.” I breathe. I only say his real name if I feel I am in real danger, and boy was I about to be. “Yes, doll?” I look up at his face and immediately find that safe place in his eyes.

“I’m terrified.” I barely speak. “The mission went so incredibly well… I feel like I betrayed my family and friends. Tomorrow, I will betray my own body.” I feel the tears trickle. “I’m being torn apart to become a machine.” I can’t control the sons that escape. Bucky holds me tightly.

“Hey.” He coos as he strokes my hair. “I don’t want to be a killer.” I look into his eyes and feel my emotions overcome me even more. “Doll…” he starts as he holds my face, then I remember our first moment.

“Okay, perfect form.” Bucky says as I hold out my gun, aimed at the dummy. “Focus on the center. Stand straight and lock eyes.” I can feel him standing behind me. I squeeze the trigger and shoot the dummy right into its shoulder.

“Fuck.” I growl and whip around and face Bucky. “You made me miss!” He tsks. ”No, I didn’t, Stark. You weren’t focused.” “What do you mean I wasn’t focused? I pointed the damn thing right at his chest.” “When you think too much on it, you tend to miss.”

He comes up to me and holds the gun with my hands, his chest against my back. His metal arm is chilled against my hot skin. I try not to shiver to his touch, one I’ve been craving for the longest time.

“So…” He rests his hands on my hips to position me. I can feel his breath tickle the back of my neck. “You don’t need to focus too hard to shoot your target.” I try not to think about it, so hard. The way he holds my waist.

“Just like that.” He whispers as I hold my gun up, which now his hands overlap my own. It’s as if he had taken over my own body, my mind. “Perfect.” He compliments me. I stand firmly as he leans his body more into mine. “That’s it.” POW!

The bullet goes into my target’s chest and I can’t help but to smirk. Good job, doll.” I turn around to face him. The hunger I feel for him, it forms and overrides me. I don’t think about what happens next. All I know is our lips are locked and we’re lost in each other’s touch. We stop for air and he and I gasp. “So my lips were on your mind.” I bite my bottom lip. “They’re deadly.”

“Yes?” I ask. “What if we escaped?” My eyes widened. “Bucky? Are you insane?” I ask him as we both sit up. I look at him with tears in my eyes. “We’ll get caught.” “Not if we’re quiet or fast enough.” His raspy voice echoes in my ears.

“James.. we can’t.” “Yes, we can. Listen.” He holds me by the waist and I lean into his chest. “I’m listening.” “For over fifty years, I’ve had my identity stripped away from me. I was a weapon for HYDRA… I never felt any meaning until I… I met you. You make me feel incredibly human again. The missions we’d go on, the way I hold you. Oh my god, the way you hold me. You make me feel alive, Clare.”

A tear falls down my cheek as I appear to start crying. He puts his metal fingers against my tears and wipes them away. “You are my salvation, Clare. When I first heard your name, it sparked a memory. Of your grandfather. I knew that I needed to help you through this, and get the fuck out. I was actually surprised you trusted me initially.”

I smile in his metallic palm. “Why? Because you’re a brooding soldier and I was the naive billionaire’s daughter who needed discipline. That everyone here wanted to kill?” I laugh at the statement, which makes him laugh.

“Exactly… You had that spark in you. You’re ambitious, spontaneous, sexy.” I giggle with him. “I know I could tell you everything. How I hated being a weapon, being tortured and feeling like a failure. To be fair, I never felt like a failure with you. You make me better.”

I pull him in for a kiss and it’s heated very quickly, with our respective serums coursing in our veins. Our lips and tongues fight for dominance. He begins to nip on my jawline and his arms wrap tightly around me. “I love you, Clare.” He says in my ear and moans leave my needy lips.

“I… I love you too.” I say in pure shock of him professing his love to me. I know very deep in my heart that’s what I want. To be with him. To live a life away from both HYDRA and the Red Room. They took so much from us, that we feel like we fit together, and we do.

“Bucky….” “Hmm?” We continue kissing. “Let’s escape. Tonight. When everyone’s asleep. Tonight, we will be free.” “I love the sound of that. Doll.”

******

I look around to see if the coast is clear. I’m supposed to meet Bucky at this very spot and go to a jet given by Melina, a scientist who was once cycled four times in the program. She actually created the serum we were given that would control us as Dreykov saw fit.

Which is why I can’t actually harm him, and that sucks. Because he took everything from me. From all of us. If I make it out of this alive, I want to find a way to help them. “Clare.” A hushed whisper startles me and I immediately pull my blaster, only to be staring into those familiar blue eyes. “Holy shit.” My breath becomes shaky and I’m back into his arms.

“You scared me.”l’m sorry, my love.” I breathe him in. “Are you ready?” “Yes.” He tightens his arms around me. “Let’s go. Melina is waiting.” I grab my lover’s hand and we stalk the hallways, having our guns ready.

“Clear.” Bucky says as we get closer to our jet. Sweet, sweet freedom. “We’re so close. I can feel it.” Bucky says as his smile brightens the very dim hallway. I can melt. We get to our jet and turn to each other.

“We did it.” I say, completely breathless and in disbelief, as if it were too easy. Nonetheless, I jump into his arms and we kiss. However, a thought occurs. “Where’s Melina?” Thinking we’ve been betrayed, I get out of his arms as his eyes go from awe to being in complete terror. “James…” I whisper before turning to face not only Dreykov, but also Pierce and other soldiers.

“What a lovely couple you two make.” Dreykov teases. A knot forms in my stomach as I squeeze onto Bucky’s hand. “Don’t be afraid. You can do this.” I tell myself as they just stand there. “I can say the same about you two as well.” I manage to say sternly as I don’t look at Bucky, but I can tell he’s impressed.

“You really do have a smart mouth, just like your father. Exactly like him. Sarcastic, charming, and incredibly defiant.” Pierce speaks. Bucky squeezes my hand two times letting me know to get ready for a major fight. “You know, it is forbidden for your union.” Dreykov says. “The Winter Soldier is the greatest weapon of HYDRA.” “And Agent Stark, you’ve been amazing in missions… how was your father?”

Fury runs through me and my blood boils. I’m ready to punch Dreykov in the throat. “Bucky isn’t a weapon.” I scowl. “And don’t you fucking talk about my father.” I dare to grip on Bucky’s hand once more, take a look at him and he nods, saying I got this. I go up, no, storm up to Dreykov and punch him square in the nose, his blood now staining my knuckles.

You see, Bucky snuck in this vial of red dust from Melina before our encounter. I’m fully out of his control. Dreykov looks at me startled. I can’t help the smirk forming. Right before I sweep him off his feet and I turn to Pierce.

“Your friend is knocked off his ass. Want to be next?” I threaten him. But he smirks back. I hear Bucky coming up behind me. “NO!” I hear him yell as he goes to try to fight Pierce, just as his comrades start to walk up. Fuck.

“You can try to get me, but since you two work very well together, I thought I’d give you both a challenge.” I don’t get it, why doesn’t he just say those words to activate the Winter Soldier and just end my life anyway? No, I can’t think that way. Bucky and I will make it out of this. We fucking will.

We stand back to back, weapons ready. “Remember, I’m with you till the end of the line.” Bucky says. “I know.” I breathe. “We’re a team.”

The first comrade approaches me and I send a bite into his skin, disabling him immediately. I hear one groan in pain, assuming Bucky has him in a chokehold. I kick the next comrade, the next one after him I get punched and then dodge his next hit before flipping him on his back, knocking him out. One comes to grab me from behind, so I elbow him, twist his arm and get out of his grip and taze him.

I get my batons and start swinging, kicking, hitting. Blood sprays everywhere. I can hear Bucky grunting and his hands moving into the next comrade. Those loving hands on me, now brutally killing others. There are no more comrades on my side to fight, so I go to help Bucky, only to see that Dreykov is no longer on the ground.

“The Winter Soldier has taught you well.” Dreykov taunts as I whip my head around to face him. Now we’re face to face. “You are so much like your father.” “Yeah.” I glare at him, feeling the blood trickle out of my nose. “I am. “Maybe a little better.” Dreykov sends a taunting laugh.

I make a move to drop kick him, but somehow I can’t get to him. I realize Bucky’s metal arm was around me. No, this can’t happen. Pierce probably activated him. “Bucky, please fight this.” “Clare…” Bucky strains, trying to fight the Soldier. “Soldier, why don’t you prepare your lover for a trip to Serbia.”

No. Suddenly, I watch a series unfold, maybe a dream, as I feel a prick in my arm. I know I’m laying down on something. Bucky defies the Soldier he was. He goes to attack, obliterate other comrades, strangles Dreykov, before punching Pierce in the face. I can feel myself being dragged into the jet by Melina. I fucking knew it.

I feel woozy. “Melina…” “Shh, this might hurt.” I feel another prick as I watch blood sprays everywhere. My lover was defending me, even from his brainwashing. “I love you James Buchanan Barnes.” I say as I slip into unconsciousness.

******

Nine months later

I lay awake, sore from my latest form of torture: getting burned. My torso sears in pain. I miss Bucky so much. I’ve stopped receiving letters from him for a week, tops. I’ve been dreaming about him, my life before the last almost two years. My aching for my family. The last time I saw my father, heartbroken as I pointed my widow bites at him.

Bucky sent me letters and I’d try my best to write him back. He’s not supposed to come see me. He still gets his mind wiped after every mission, lord knows after this one it’ll happen again. It seems they’re trying to erase me from his memory, but it doesn’t work. It feels like he’s resisting, as he snuck in a journal for me to write in, and HYDRA doesn’t seem to mind.

So, I will write about my days in it. When they try to break me, keep my letters and notes from James. His promise to get us out. To see my family. Maybe somehow start a family, as I’m pretty sure they took that away. All of it seems pointless though. Rumple is relentless when it comes to the torture. His favorite is starving me.

I’m writing in my journal when I see a piece of paper slide in the door. He’s back. I don’t hesitate putting down the journal and getting the note.

“Hi darling. I’m so sorry for making you wait so long. I was on a rampage chasing a bird, a widow and another super soldier. Captain America. He says we were best friends. Listen, they’re going to send you to Sokovia. I don’t know for how long, but I’ve fought tooth and nail for you, and still will. I brought something back for you to keep me close. I love you. I will get you out. - James”

I open the envelope and it’s a dog tag. I look at it closely. It’s one of his dog tags from the war. I smell the note and it smells like him, and hold it to my heart with the dog tag. “I love you.” I whisper as I put the dog tag around my neck. I slip the note into the journal when Rumlow yells, “Stark, grab your shit. You're being transferred. I will miss your pretty face.”

“Oh, I’m sure you will.” I say spitting into his own smug face before walking off with guards. I can feel Bucky’s presence even if I know he’s getting his mind wiped. “You got this Clare.” I can hear his voice in my head as I leave Siberia.

New chapters to come every two weeks! Chapter One will be out the night of March 8th! 🦾🥀

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Okay I’m so so so awful and sorry with being late it’s been a great weekend but so much has been going on! So with that being said, it will now be this Friday, pinky promise and swear to god bahahahahah

Clare Stark disappeared Christmas 2012. She was kidnapped by the Red Room to be trained to be a killer. To kill her father. While in training, she is trained by none other than Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier. They end up trusting each other and falling in love. After a mission and impressing Dreykov and Pierce, Clare will be forced to go through a life altering procedure. Bucky and Clare attempt to escape, only to be captured by HYDRA. Now, two years later, after a harrowing time having her memories altered and now. Back with loved ones after being found in Sokovia, Clare must piece together who the person she’s supposed to be afraid of was to her after having “dreams” of their relationship. This is Arms Around a Memory. 🥀🦾

Coming Feb. 14!

[kaittalkstoomuch]

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:

Arms Around a Memory starts Saturday instead of tomorrow! Starting with the prologue, and it gets intense. BE READY!

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Clare Stark disappeared Christmas 2012. She was kidnapped by the Red Room to be trained to be a killer. To kill her father. While in training, she is trained by none other than Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier. They end up trusting each other and falling in love. After a mission and impressing Dreykov and Pierce, Clare will be forced to go through a life altering procedure. Bucky and Clare attempt to escape, only to be captured by HYDRA. Now, two years later, after a harrowing time having her memories altered and now. Back with loved ones after being found in Sokovia, Clare must piece together who the person she’s supposed to be afraid of was to her after having “dreams” of their relationship. This is Arms Around a Memory. 🥀🦾

Coming Feb. 14!

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Coming soon….. 🥀

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hi guys! Sorry for the wait! Chapter thirty is live.

‘86 // Chapter Thirty: Running With The Devil

Late Afternoon/Evening of March 23, 1986

Tw: SMUT (oral female receiving), mentions of weapons

We stop at an empty field to assemble our plans and weapons. I walk over to Robin, who looks completely devastatingly somber, holding a Molotov cocktail. “Hey.” The wind plays with my frizzy auburn waves as Robin mutters “hey.” I help her with the weapons.

“What happened in The War Zone? Are you alright?” I ask as she looks at me with her sad ocean eyes. “Vickie has…” she chokes up and I automatically hug her. “Hey…” I start hushly and calmly. “It’s going to be okay. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. You are resilient. Fucking brilliant. My best fucking friend. You have a group of people here who love you. And who knows, maybe after you save Hawkins, she’ll come running to you.”

She lightly smiles, a slight glow comes back to her. “You think so?” I cheekily smirk. “Dude, you saved me from myself when I was in the trenches. It is my turn.” She pulls me in for another hug and I wrap my arms around her. “We will survive this. You - we - got this.”

“Thanks Rox…” She takes a whiff and returns to her witty self. “I think it’s time to change into your other clothes.” We both laugh. “You put the shirt in there.” “Actually, it was Dustin who did. I didn’t know what you two were doing. So, I played it safe.” “We did too.” I laugh at her uncomfortable silence.

*******

I walk back into the RV and decide I’d take a shower to clean up and then change. I smile as I pull out the shirt from the bag. “It’s showtime, my darling.” “It is indeed.” I whirl my body around and see Eddie standing at the front of the mobile home. Goosebumps form as well as a smile.

I snicker as I hold the garment in my hands, walking up to him. “I was gonna freshen up and shower. Want to join?” I caress his arms and he caresses my body. “I’d love to, but I promised Dustin to train him before our battle.” We both laugh looking at the shirt in my arm. “Ditching me for my brother, nice.” I tease. “But I can help you.”

He starts kissing my jawline and I softly moan at the feeling. “Oh Eddie….” Our lips meet as he rests his hands on my hips, backing me up to the couch and lays me down. He lifts my dress up for access as he kisses me down. “Eds please” I whisper. “I need you.” “I need you.” He says against my belly.

He hikes my dress more as he kisses my thighs. I praise him and whimper, trying hard to be quiet. However, he was begging for me to scream his name. He hooks two fingers into the hem of my panties and tears them off. He tosses them across the RV. “Oh.” I whimper as he lifts my legs over his shoulders, looking animalistic at my core. “Soaking wet for me, my sweetheart,” he purrs. “C’mere.” I growl as he dives in.

He sends waves of please down my body as his tongue glides against my folds. “Oh Eddie.” I moan, gripping his messy curls in my fingers. He groans over the taste of me and the pulling. “Oh baby, you feel so good. Don’t stop. Don’t ever s-s-stop. Fuck.” I growl and start grinding against his mouth. “Mmm.” He moans. “You taste so good my love.”

“You are so sexy in between my legs.” I whimper. He grips on my hips and I wrap my legs tightly around his neck. “Oh fuck.” He grunts. I start panting, feeling my high fastly approaching. “Eds.” I breathe. “I’-m I’m gonna come.” His tongue increases its speed as it dips inside me and I release.

His tongue flattens against me, taking everything I’m giving. “We should save the world more often.” I laugh as Eddie lays on top of me. “We should.” He laughs, kissing me and I can taste a bit of my release. Then thoughts start flowing in. “Eds.” I take a deep breath.

He tucks my hair behind my ear and I rest my head on his chest. “Everything will be okay, sweetheart. We’re going to defeat Vecna and save Hawkins. Then, we’ll clear our names.” Flashes of what happened in The War Zone come to mind. How Jason did not name me, just very unhinged. “I know, I hope so….” I trail off. “What’s wrong?” I semi hesitated at first.

Eddie strokes my cheek in comfort. “Jason… I think he…. He didn’t say anything to the cops about me. Eds, he was unhinged. I was terrified for our safety in that damn store. It may have felt so good to punch him, but I can’t help but to think he’s after me.”

He holds me close and I continue. “To avenge Chrissy, an eye for an eye.” I finish my statement, shaking a bit in his arms. “You contact the boys and handle them. He can’t hurt you.” “Eddie…” “Stay at the cabin. Protect the sanctuary, protect yourself.” I take another deep breath. “Rox, I don’t want you to get hurt.” “Eds, I got this. I need to do something. What if I get the boys and we lurk all over town. Keep an eye out. We have all these weapons, too. We could protect Hawkins from within.”

I grip on Eddie’s hands. His expression is hesitant at first, but understanding. “Plus, I have wicked first aid skills.” It’s true. I don’t know how, but I somehow became really good at taking care of people. Maybe all the times we’d be in the quarry smoking and one of the boys would do something absolutely stupid.

“That’s right, you did save my ass all the time.” “Oh yeah, you would do stupid shit.” “And you’re my favorite to do it with.”

We both start laughing. “Okay, what if I set up the cabin as like first aid. We know this isn’t going to be easy. This is going to be some gnarly shit. We could split into groups.” “I want you to go with Robin, Nancy and Steve.” I stop in my tracks. “What?” “As a ‘fuck you’ to Vecna. He tortures you for loving Nancy and supposedly hating Steve? Show up as a team. He fucked with your head, fuck with his.” I smile. “Protect my brother.” “Always.”

**********

I walk out of the RV seeing everyone in groups. I watch as Eddie and Dustin train and talk and smile. I see Nancy and Max sawing off the barrels of guns and Erica and Lucas talking. Steve and Robin are talking next to the RV, Steve catches my attention.

I’m in my “War Outfit”, deemed by Dustin. He picked out a rad outfit and left a note explaining it. “You admire Stevie so much, I thought it would be badass.” The outfit is of course the Hellfire Club shirt, a black bohemian style skirt Stevie would definitely wear, and of course, my boots. To complete my look, I’m wearing my guitar pick necklace that reminds me of Eddie.

I giggle as everyone turns around and faces me. “Ah, the Dungeon Mistress.” Nancy says smirking as the group huddles. Eddie is smiling ear to ear with Dustin, who’s just so excited to see basically his idea. “Rox is really killing the Upside Down Stevie Nicks look.” Lucas states.

“Thank Dustin, he was the genius who put it together.” I smirk at my brother, who high fives me. I see Eddie admiring me and I snicker. “Now, are we going to sit here and gawk at my outfit? Or are we going to kick Vecna’s ass?”

We get our weapons ready. Nancy wraps a holster on my waist and puts guns and magazines on them. “Eddie wants me to stick with you, Robin and Steve to fuck with Vecna’s head just like he fucked with ours.” “He’s a genius.” I laugh. She takes a look at me. “Stevie would be proud.” “Thank you.” “Hawkins’ Angels take on Vecna.” “Hell yeah.”

We climb into the RV and see Dustin, Eddie and Robin sitting in the back. Lucas and Erica are sitting together. So I sit with Max on the couch and radio The Club. Their mission: set up camp at Fort Munson. “You know, you’re really badass.” I tell Max, who smiles at the compliment. “Thank you Rox, you too. We’re going to beat his ass.” “We are. You be careful, okay? Promise me.” I hold out my pinky and she laughs as she pinky promised . “I promise. You too, Rox. He doesn’t know what’s coming.” “I absolutely promise. He is going to die.”

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hey! A new chapter is live! I hope you guys are doing good.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: The War Zone

Tw: mentions of blood, mentions of guns, someone punches a prick that’s it

Nancy stands by my side and it seems we have a buddy system going on. Steve is with Robin, makes sense. Max and Erica are together, good. It was just Nancy and I. “You okay?” She asks as I look around wary. “Yeah, just.. What if Jason is here? With his idiot friends? He’ll know Eddie’s here.” Nancy grabs my hand. “He is not going to lay a fucking finger on you, or Eddie. I will not let that happen.”

We go check out everything. This place has a ton of things. I’m talking first aid supplies, guns, weapons, Molotov cocktails. I see Nancy eyeing the guns. “So, what’s in the bag?” She asks as I look at the Hunter green crossbody bag Dustin packed. “Clothes. I think… the anniversary gift Eddie made me… my camera, journal.”

Nancy seems to smile once I say “journal.” “Do you still write silly little entries about your adventures like you did with ‘Hawkins Angels’?” We continue looking and grab guns and magazines. I can’t help but to laugh. “I gotta keep the magic alive.” It was then we both started laughing, and I feel our friendship blooming again. “Do you write about being the ‘Dungeon Mistress?” “I do. I write about those nights.”

I remember the old times with Nancy and Barb. How it dissolved so quickly. How Nancy felt with me leaving, how Barb must’ve felt. There’s a bit of a pang in my chest. “I always look at my scrapbook with photos of the three of us, especially when I can’t sleep. I truly miss those times.” Nancy gives me a sympathetic look.

“Oh, Rox.” We hug. “I’m okay, Nance.” I say hushly. “I promise. I’m so happy we’re okay. I’ve really missed you.” “I’ve missed you too, Rox. It really hasn’t been the same.” I chuckle. “Obviously.” Nancy chuckles back. “Well, I mean, these past few years, they’ve been pretty intense.”

“So I’ve heard… Dustin would tell me about when Will went missing and the connection to Barb’s death. Then the recurrence a year later. Though, what really intrigued me was the Russians and of course, Billy. God, he was such an asshat, but he didn’t have to die… Poor Max.”

Nancy holds out a gun at the gun counter. We examine it together. “Yeah, the Mind Flayer got him. It was devastating watching him get killed. And then we can’t even say what the actual cause was. It sucks. I know Max is struggling with it. I think Vecna was using Billy’s death to torture her.” “Me too.”

I look to my right for a split second and see Vickie, Robin’s crush. “Holy shit.” I whisper. “What?” Nancy looks over. “Nothing, everything is okay.” I can’t blurt out Robin’s secret. That’s sacred. “How much?” “$129.” The clerk says. I sigh at the sight. “We should get guns for the guys, to be on the safe side. You know?” I say referring to The Hellfire Club. Nancy nods.

I see Nancy holding the gun in her hands and giggle as I pull out my camera. I snapped a photo of Nancy, making her smile. “What’s that for?” I smirk. “My new scrapbook. I’m not sure what I’m gonna call it yet, but we’ll look back years later and see what badass people we are.” “‘86’ seems accurate. It’s what popping into my mind. It’s senior year, we’re kicking Vecna’s ass. It’s the year of big, big changes.”

Nancy grabs my camera for a quick second while I pose for the camera. We’re both laughing as she hands me the camera. “Nailed it, Foxy Roxie.” A chill suddenly runs through my spine and bile forms in my throat. That voice doesn’t need to register as I whip around beside Nancy, camera in hand. Nancy has the gun in her hand looking it over.

Jason’s holding a revolver and looking rather unhinged. “Jason.” Nancy breathes as I shudder. “Nancy Wheeler and Roxie Henderson. An unexpected combination.” I grip on my camera and slip it back into my bag. “Don’t you need to report me to the cops?” I manage to slip.

Jason tsks as if I said something degrading. Nancy tenses up and so do I. “They’re no use… besides…. Is your satanic worshiping boyfriend here? Or your brothers? Mike Wheeler and Dustin Henderson, right?” I ball my fist up. “Leave our brothers alone.” Nancy growls.

I look over to my right and make eye contact briefly with Erica, who is frightened and runs off. She’s gonna alert the others of our predicament.

Jason walks closer to us, we stay stern in our place. Jason’s eyes look insane. Pupils are dilated, wild. My fist tightens as I stare into his eyes. “Let go.” Nancy replies to Jason, who grabs the barrel of the gun. I instinctively slam the money on the counter for the cashier.

“She said let go!” I snarl as I throw my fist in his face, grabbing Nancy’s hand and running away. We got the goods.

Steve hurriedly opens the door to the RV and we all come charging in. “What happened?” Dustin asks. “Lucas’ old friends showed up.” Erica says as I crawl to Eddie, who takes my apparent bloodied hand. “Damn Rox, what happened?” “STEVE DRIVE!” Dustin yells as Robin hands us a first aid kit, of many.

“She finally gave Jason what he deserved.” Erica says proudly. Eddie returns the same expression while wrapping my hand. “You punched Carver?” “Yes. He was threatening everyone. I have to protect my people.”

Eddie grabs my face as Steve speeds. His kiss is electrifying. “As much as I wanted to see that, I’m so happy you did that. I bet you looked hot.” I laugh at his goofiness. “She was smoking!” Nancy says, making everyone laugh.

“He was so unhinged Eddie. His eyes were so dilated. He’s out for blood. Ours.” I shudder in Eddie’s arms. “We got him, baby, don’t worry. We will end this.” He kisses my injured hand.

I look over at Robin, somberly looking out the window. It’s Vickie, something must’ve happened. Dustin and Lucas interrupt my worry. “Does it hurt?” Lucas asks. “Did he look scared when you punched him?” I lightly smile thinking of Jason’s possible reaction. “Oh yes, yes he did.” I smile at Eddie, who smirks back.

“I bet he’s pissed.” Dustin sayas. “I took a quick look before running out. He has a black eye. It was gold watching Roxie punching him.” Erica says. “I would’ve aimed for his nose, but I was in panic mode. He just about hurt Nancy. My instincts kicked in.” Eddie kisses my hand. “And they were perfect.”

[kaittalkstoomuch]

Hi guys! I hope you all had an amazing week! How are ya? ♥️ enjoy this new chapter, which is reminiscent of the prologue!

Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Freak and The Babe (Part Two)

The Morning of March 24, 1986

“Follow me.” Eddie says quietly as we follow him closely. Eddie is masked by Max’s Michael Myers mask and while it totally looks ridiculous, I just want to rip the thing off and kiss him all over. As if we were alone. However, we’re on a mission, get to The War Zone.

We get to the RV, with its occupants outside on the other side. We gotta be sneaky. Eddie kneels down and holds his hands out, giving me a boost. “Babe, you first.” I nod as I step on his foot and jump into the RV in one swift motion. I make sure I have my bag with me. Gotta photograph and write about the memories. Besides, Dustin apparently packed a bag when Eddie and I went “missing” for a moment.

I look into the bag as I get off the couch. My Hellfire Club shirt, a black cardigan, and a bohemian skirt. Stevie Nicks mixed with me. I look at my boots. This will be my war outfit. Great job, brother. “Okay, I’m in!” I whisper in the window as I look around the mobile home. Eddie jumps in quickly, and rips that horrid mask off. I snap a picture of the moment. “Dustin packed a bag when you and I were… running away from Carver…. And….”

I stand on my tippy toes and he wraps his arms around me as we share a fast, heated kiss. “Smart kid.” He chuckles. “Let’s go to the front.” Eddie says as Steve jumps in, then Robin, then Nancy. Eddie sits in the driver’s seat and I sit on the floor beside him watching him work his magic.

Truth was, I’ve heard stories about him hot-wiring cars. That his dad taught him. I’ve always wanted to witness it. Steve comes up and watches Eddie too. Slow down Harrington. The others come in the background. Dustin closes the window. I act as a look out while watching him too, watching his fingers work.

“When did you learn how to do that?” Steve asks. “Well, when the other dads were teaching their kids how to fish or play ball, my old man was teaching me how to hot-wire.” He told me about his father. How he went to prison, and also his mother passing away too. So young. I appreciate Uncle Wayne more and more daily. He raised such an amazing man.

“… But now, I’m wanted for murder, and soon, grand theft auto.” He takes a breath as I rest my hand on his knee. “So yeah, I’m really living up to that Munson name.” That statement feels like a gut punch.

“Uh, Eddie, I’m not sure if I love the idea of you driving.” Robin says as she rests her hand on the top of the chair. Eddie and I smirk at each other and I try not to laugh at his goofy grin. “Oh, I’m starting this sucker. Harrington’s got her.” He leans into Steve to his and Robin’s confusion, and my laughter. “Don’tcha big boy.”

It becomes a big blur after that. The engine started. We heard someone scream “what the hell?” Dustin yelling “Steve, Drive!” “Everyone hang onto something!” Steve yells as we get settled and hang on for dear life. Dustin and Max are in the back. Erica, Eddie, Lucas, Robin and I are in the middle. Nancy is in the passenger seat next to Steve.

Erica and I hang on to each other while Robin hangs on to the wall. Lucas and Eddie are enjoying being tossed around head banging. Steve takes sharp turns as we scream. “Hang on to me, okay?” I tell Erica as she hugs my waist tightly. The Sinclair’s I know would kick my ass. Finally, it all seems over when Steve takes a seemingly lethal left turn.

********

Things are finally smooth and calm. It kind of reminds me of when Eddie, myself and the boys would hang out in Eddie’s van. Eddie and I would be sitting up front driving around, usually an area looking over Lover’s Lake and we’d all hang out. It was all good times. We wouldn’t worry about the Upside Down, or Vecna. Just living. The boys would play music and we’d relax, smoke a bit of weed. Eddie and I would be alone, too, sometimes. I miss those times.

I snuggle against Eddie’s arm and smile against it. “This is one hell of a way to celebrate a year.” I joke as we both laugh. “It truly has, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” “Really?” “Well, I didn’t picture the Upside Down or Vecna in it but I’m with you and that’s all that matters.” I laugh as we share a kiss.

“So, I’ve been wondering. How did you two end up together?” Erica asks while Robin cracks up. I think of a way to tell her, the not-so-little-girl-anymore I used to babysit. “Well.” I start looking at Eddie and he raises his eyebrows. “Last year while in the cafeteria, I was being harassed by some prick.” I start as Lucas and Dustin sing-song, “Jason Carver.”

We all laugh as Erica states “That Ken wannabe was harassing you? Ew.” “Yeah. That prick had a crush on me. I don't like him for obvious reasons. Everyday he would find a way to ask me out. That day, was the big game. He wanted me to cheer him on. I was actually planning on sitting with Robin and our friends, but Jason would not leave me the hell alone. Then, Eddie stepped in.”

I gleam up at him and he shares the emotion back. I can hear Steve and Nancy talking up front. Something about a dream Steve would always have. Good job, Harrington.

“I swooped in to save the day. I would watch Jason harass her daily and her disdain. I’ve always had a crush on Roxie.” “Why were you scared to go up to her in the first place?” Erica asks. We all couldn’t help but laugh. “I was very intimidated by Roxie. That Stevie Nicks vibe. There was just something about her that just drew me in… it wasn’t until Gareth The Great told me to grow a pair.” “And thank god he did. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I love you.” “I love you too.”

He holds my cheek and Erica chuckles. “Good. I approve of this. At first, I wasn’t sure until I saw you two at the campaign. Lucas would talk about how different you seemed and always canoodling.” I chuckle at Lucas. “Well, we appreciate being Erica Sinclair approved.” I say grinning at her. Eddie chuckles, oh god. “Just want until you hear how Dustin found out.”

“NO!” All of us except for Erica says. I laugh at the ridiculousness, but I mean would you want to tell the girl you used to babysit how one night Eddie tried to sneak out after we hooked up and got caught by Dustin? No way.

“We're here!” Steve shouts as we look up front. “Thank god. I was scared we’d explain the birds and the bees to Erica.” Robin whispers in my ear while side eyeing Eddie. “Oh calm down.” I say laughing. Nancy and Steve come to the back and we plan. “Who’s all coming?” Nancy asks. Steve and Robin raise their hands, as well as Max. “Me!” I say enthusiastically, which Dustin disagrees with.

“No! That’s dangerous Roxie!” Dustin says. “I agree. If Jason ran his mo-“ Lucas starts being Eddie interrupts him. “No, guys. Roxie should go in. I trust Roxie going in there. She can handle anything. I’ve seen her handle Jason before and it’s worked. If he’s in there, I just know he wouldn’t do anything.” “I’ll go in too, I wanna see Roxie end Carver.” Erica says.

“And I’ll go. We need all the weapons we can get.” Nancy says. I smile at Nancy and then Eddie. “I’ll be right back, okay sweetheart?” I kiss his lips and he kisses me back. “See you soon, sweetheart.” He says back. I get up and walk out with everyone. “If you want. I’ll stay with you. It could be like when we were younger. ‘Hawkins Angels’.” Nancy says holding out her hand as we walk. “Hawkins Angels vs Vecna!!” We both laugh as we walk inside.