kattheinsomniac

[kattheinsomniac]

2191 Days.

07.09.19 ✨

"Nothing better than enjoying life with the same person you struggled with.” 💑

Happy 6th Anniversary to us, John Rei!!! 💖

*Warning: Long, cheesy message ahead.* 😅

To my inspiration, thank you for always keeping up with me for the past 2191 days. I know there are times that I'm so difficult to deal with but you handle my mood swings, tantrums, and immaturity so perfectly and I admire you for that.

Thank you for always looking out for me and for pulling me up at my lowest points in life; for loving me despite the glorious mess that I am and for reminding me that even broken things can be beautiful.

I've already said "thank you" a lot of times but it will never be enough for everything that you have done for our relationship. I'm truly grateful to have you. I love you very much. 💕

[kattheinsomniac]

I want to SURVIVE.

WARNING: Another LOOONG post ahead!!!

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I last updated my Tumblr. Got so busy with Grad school and my therapy that I wasn't active for 2 months. Since it's the end of another trimester, I finally had the time to share what I've been going through.

Sooo, here it goes..... 😅

Last February 2019, I had a feeling that some issues regarding my mental health were getting worse. I was withdrawing from everything I was once passionate about. Sometimes, waking up becomes a torture for me as I think of going through another day, struggling with my depression and anxiety. I kept on pushing my loved ones away that I wasn't aware I was already hurting them, emotionally. I got so used to avoiding and running away from my problems because of the fear that I won't be able to solve or overcome them. I was losing my motivation which affected my performance in school and my daily routines. I started to sink in the depths of self-pitty, thinking that no one will ever understand my state.

Everyday, I feel so helpless and hopeless of my situation that I wanted hurt myself or end my own life. It went on and on until it came to the point where I already got sick of my thougthts. It became physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting for me. At that moment, I realized that I had to reach out and seek professional help because the truth is I really never wanted to die. I just want people to take me seriously. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety leading to Major Depressive Disorder. My doctor suggested that I should undergo therapy and medication in managing my anxiety and depression. For the first 3 months of therapy, I felt I was getting better and I even made some progress but some unfortunate events have happened which only triggered my condition.

My family noticed that something's unusual about me, lately. I'm becoming too sensitive and defensive, thinking that everyone is attacking me or that anything negative is related to me. I get so impatient and easily irritated even in the simple things. It felt like everyone is getting on my nerves and I hate myself for that. In my most recent therapy (which was yesterday), my doctor informed me that the symptoms I mentioned above are signs of a person having PD (Personality Disorder).

I had my own assumptions that I might be having another disorder and when she confirmed it, it struck me really hard. I can't even explain what I felt, until now. I keep on blaming myself and asking God "Why can't I just be normal like other people?" It was never my intention to hurt other people's feelings, especially my loved ones. I miss my old self, before depression and anxiety came into the.picture.

I know that I'm not the only person in this world who is dealing with mental health problems and that's why I decided to share this in public. To everyone who is going through the same thing, I really do wish that one day, we will be able to learn how to love ourselves again and still try to find hope in this times of darkness.

[kattheinsomniac]

To my Anxiety and Depression...

Why won't you let me free??? I miss the good old days. I already forgot how it feels to be genuinely happy. 💔

[kattheinsomniac]

Another year older. Congratulations, self!!! Who would've thought you'll make it this far? HAHAHA. I'm so proud of you, Kat.

Hello Quarter-Life!!! Cheers and more cheese to my 25 years of existence. 🍻🧀😂❤

[kattheinsomniac]

May 4, 2011, the day this sweet Shih Tzu/Lhasa Apso came into this world. I was 17 and afraid of dogs but you, my MONNIE, removed that fear.

I thought we could still celebrate our birthdays together but I guess God wants you to celebrate your special day up there in Doggo Heaven.

Happy Birthday, my Angel. We still miss you, every single day (especially Fifi). We love you so much. 💕

[kattheinsomniac]

"Saints have a past, Sinners have a future."

[kattheinsomniac]

trippy art (part 2)

reblog if you save <3 requests open

[kattheinsomniac]

Grief.

"Those who think there is a time limit when GRIEVING have NEVER lost a piece of their HEART."

[kattheinsomniac]

Be KIND.

Why do some people assume that I've already moved on just because they see me smiling or laughing most of the time?

Yes, I'm back on doing my daily routines.

Yes, I am able to engage and socialize with my family and friends, again.

Yes, I can go out on dates with my partner.

Yes, I'm using social media, again.

Yes, I don't find myself crying anymore.

It may seem like I'm doing well. I may look okay on the outside but deep inside, I'm just trying to keep it all together. If only those people have an idea how painful it is to accept the reality of losing a loved one. I didn't forget my BEST PAL and I never will. I still have clinical depression and I still get anxiety attacks. It kills me everytime there is a flashback of how she suffered until her last breath. I just had to deal with with it so that my life will stop from falling apart. So next time, please DON'T JUDGE if you haven't been in someone else's shoes. Just BE KIND to every person that you'll meet along the way.

Stay OPEN MINDED. Be UNDERSTANDING. Things aren't always what they appear to be.

[kattheinsomniac]

Visita Iglesia 2019 : Good Friday in Bulacan Province

We've been to a total of 8 churches in Bulacan while reciting the 14 Stations of the Cross. Walked from church to church the whole day since most of the vehicles (including ours) weren't able to get in due to the sheer volume of people, blocking the drive way. It was indeed a very tiring day but nothing compares to all the sacrifices and sufferings the Lord has gone through just to save us from all of our sins.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for everything that you have done for your people. We're not worthy of your forgiveness but still you keep on loving us, unconditionally.

God bless everyone!!! ❤❤❤

[kattheinsomniac]

Inclusivity.

"People with mental illness don't want you to feel sorry for them. They just want to be accepted."

[kattheinsomniac]

Stigma.

Yung pag Psych major daw, dapat may immunity sa lungkot o problema. So pag Doctor may immunity din dapat sa sakit? 🤔😅😂

Haaay, people and their stigmas. 😑

[kattheinsomniac]

“Sorrow constantly knocks on my door because I give more than I have, and I love more than I should.”

— Lukas W. // Sorrow at my door (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[kattheinsomniac]

"I hope you fall in love with someone who doesn't force you to be strong when you're on the verge of losing it, but actually opens his/her arms to welcome you and give you a home you can disburden every tear and helplessness. Someone who doesn't find your sadness a weakness but a chance to prove to you that you're lovable even on the times when you think you're not. Someone who holds your hand tightly when you're barely holding everything together. I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you on your sunshines and loves you even more on your storms." ❤

— Gecille Elido

[kattheinsomniac]

"Sometimes you need to take a break from your thoughts and just live in the moment." 💛

[kattheinsomniac]

April 7 to 9 : Subic Escapade 2019 ☀

Oh how I've missed Subic so much!!! The sea, the fresh summer air and its breathtaking sceneries brings back a lot of good old memories from my childhood years. We really needed this out-of-town trip since a lot of heart-wrenching events have occured for the past few months (plus everyone got so busy with work and school 😕). These kinds of bonding moments made me realize that there's always a reason to be thankful, no matter what our circumstances may be. With that, I'm forever grateful to have such a loving family despite all the shortcomings and misunderstandings. I couldn't ask for a better support group in dealing with life's challenges. 😊

Hoping that before this year ends, we'll have another family outing to the beach. More moments like this, please? ❤

[kattheinsomniac]

“It felt like a curse. Like a box i couldn’t escape. I was born this way and will bring its aspect for the rest of my life. How I wish I can be hard on people. I wish I could turn my back and say no. I wish I could show how angry I am. I wish I could get the same care as to what I give. I wish they try to understand me as much as I try to understand them. I wish it’s my turn. To be cared and valued like the way I know I deserve. All of these are hope. Hope that one day… my turn would come.”