kavehayati - Tumblr blog

kavehayati · 4 months ago

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logging in and it’s me realising just how ugly this blog is.

#dora daily #I can’t believe I used to adore this blog. it’s so weird.#I’m sure it would’ve looked nice but it feels so gross #it’s like me being the owner of it ultimately ruined it #because it’s my thoughts my words my interpretations and my thoughts.. I hate it.#I’d delete this blog but idk I really like having record of everything I’ve owned. I just like to see how I was in the past #like a diary #plus after my mega psychosis that kind of ate away at most of my personality and gave me sm issues I forgot so much abt myself #way too much #I even forgot most of why I liked kaveh lols #I’m so grateful I documented some analysis and thoughts and my povs regarding him here #and a lot of drafts I felt too ashamed to publish #I miss liking Kaveh so much. liking him was the only element of consistency and predictability I had in this turbulent existence of mine #can’t trust anyone but myself or rely on anyone but me #and ik I don’t work like that. I’m the type who needs to rely on others but nobody fits my standards and nobody even likes me anyways lols #you can just tell when ur forcing some1 to like u or speak to u #so as pathetic as this sounds yes that dumb blond is the only stable thing I have #you can laugh if you want ik it’s pathetic #I can’t stand being here smh. will keep this as an archive of my thoughts. I’d like that at least

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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Ykw. I give up. Nothing I do ever works out even if I put my heart and soul into it. And even beyond. All tumblr has ever given me is more problems than I need. So ! I give up. Hope everyone has a good life.

#I shouldn’t be getting this physically ill from a stupid app.#I don’t think I’ll leave a place to reach out and if I do I’ll probably check socials like way later.#you’ll be fine without me 👍#everyone always is anyways #I am sorry to have ever bothered anyone at all.#this place was just a huge mistake.

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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Bruh this is why I hate inviting ppl to my new blogs bc wth :/ literally so annoying isn’t it common courtesy to be like hey ! I was sad to see you deactivate bla bla bla im glad to see you’re back etc etc etc <- THATS WHAT EVERYONE DOES ?? And also ! The way ppl be like making whole ass posts when ppl deactivate but they did not even do that for me, and the ppl who DID have my socials, didn’t even ask shit abt why I deactivated etc like bro —

#dora daily #listen this is my problem … I DONT UNDERSTAND why they do stuff for every other person they’re mutuals with EXCEPT me #like whenever ppl make new moots they come pop in and be like hi ^^ ! you have a cool *insert thing here* and im happy to be mutuals with #you etc etc etc #THEY DO THAT ! nobody does that with me at all #and the thing is ! if nobody did that in general then that’d be JUST FINE #but it sets a precedent that I have to do that FIRST all the time #and for WHAT ?!#I only ever get absolutely ignored by everyone.#like - I send an ask that I gathered up all my courage and energy and everything to send #I mentally prepared myself #and then I only get ignored #like wth :/#and it’s the same thing with Eris all over again #it’s the same thing with my old tumblr blog #I thought that that girl was nice …#but she is not !#ykw .. I’m gonna ask Athena if I ever come off in a certain way or anything in her honest opinion bc I’m going mad #like #what vibe do I give off ? am I doing something wrong ? like I could’ve sworn I act exactly like everyone else ??#but Athena has been mia for a while and idk …#like listen ;; why on earth would you willingly mutual me if you’re gonna ignore me in the rare chance I even interact #like I’m not holding anybody at gunpoint I swear #?!!:&392292 #ykw. I’m probably autistic #bc the way this happens irl and online with completely different ppl is insaneeee #and the thing. is IM FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT goddamit I swear I ammmmm #and there’s nobody on earth more observant on my OWN behaviour than I am #if anything I am hyper aware !#so like that shouldn’t be the issue

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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Ohmygod I haven’t shown what dahlia made me when I get enough strength to leave my bed I’ll take a picture 😞

#dora daily

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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What the heck is the definition of anorexic then ? “A person who has a bad relationship with food and undereats” BRO are you telling me I’m STILL IN THE TRENCHES OF AN ED ?!

CAN SOMEBODY JUST ASK YOU TO YOUR FACE IF YOURE ANEMIC ?! WHAT

#Dora daily #hmmm in my eyes I used to think eds are the worst thing ever #like it genuinely made me panic for sm reasons #one being the fact I had to be sneaky and I could nawtttt be sneaky I’m not used to it #so it made me panic #then I’d be miserable like crying over the fact I really just wanted to taste the food for once because my mum made a dish I really liked #but I forced myself not to eat it and just throw it away #but now idrc cause I don’t rlly like eating things ?? like some are nice yea but #idk I have this mental block where it feels illegal to finish my plate #like I HAVE to leave something there it’s just a rule in my head #well at least they were like oh why’d you go on a ‘diet’ and she listed reasons like if I had an allergy or whatnot #then I was like girlll I did it to loose weight and they looked at me like I grew another head #LIKE I WAS TELLING THEM IN SUCH A WATERED DOWN WAY #NAUR IT WASNT A DIET I HAD AN EATING DISORDER HELP #and you best believe that if I could purge I would’ve but I tried SO HARD I swear I did but nothing would come out #oops I think that was tmi #yeah I just undereat + I’m not completely hesitant around food it’s just #less than before but I think there’s remnants #now I feel guilty for ‘improving’#God this is what everyone means when they say it’s competitive like ughhhhhh #now I just don’t want to eat period maybe do something right for once #wait but I don’t count calories so idrk if I’m under eating or not #but I’m like 90% sure I am #hmm CONFUSINF #CONFUSING*

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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woke up to this message and it literally sent me into a spiral bc so true…….. what type of things DO I like………

#the girls asked me this at work the other day and I was like erm #about that #nah I outright told them I’m too depressed to like things #they asked me what’s my favourite thing to do #but I don’t think she understood what I meant #Dw I wasn’t over sharing the girl literally told me her life story and her trauma by that point 😭 I think saying I’m depressed is nothing #add to cart !

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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I HAVE BEEN TRUING TO SLEEP THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT BRO WHY CANT I SLEEP

#I need noise cancelling headphones now #Hal if you see this I am so sorry bc you know what I mean 😀🔫#dora daily #DAHLIA GAVE ME A REC ACTUALLY SHE SAYS THEYRE SOOO GOOD #it’s called the x4 ? I dunno what that is I’ll check rn #as I suffer in silence 😞

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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CAN SOMEBODY JUST ASK YOU TO YOUR FACE IF YOURE ANEMIC ?! WHAT

#somebody asked me if I have iron deficiency and if I’m anemic #DO I LOOK ILL ?!#and they’re like ykw I think you’re lactose intolerant #WHAT #WHERE IS THIS COMING ?!! FROM ?!#dora daily #THIS WAS IN LIKE A FIVE MIN TIME SPAN FYI ??#I AM #NONE OF THESE THINGS ? I CAN DRINK A WHOLE LITRE OF MILK AND BE TOTALLY FINE 😭#AND MY IRON IS JUST FINE BC I NEVER GET MY PERIOD 😭 AND I AM NAWT ANEMIC 😭

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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I dunno why I sleep for like a few hours then randomly wake up at like 12/1 am like I slept a whole night 😭 ???

#it’s one am …#what the heck do I do now #dora daily

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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on the inevitable and loving despite, despite // a revisitation of this

various wikipedia pages / carl sagan / why the sun chases the moon / war of the foxes - richard siken / drunk drivers, killer whales - car seat headrest / saturn - sleeping at last / pale blue dot, photo from voyager / lighthousekeeping - jeanette winterson / ann druyan / new york times / neil degrasse tyson / david jones

#WAAAAAAAA #I ADORE THIS !#ik this seems like a coincidence given I kin Layla BUT BELIEVE ME ! I have adored the night sky since before I was two digits #I’ve always been so captivated by it #I wanted to do astronomy ! for the longest time …#but men (DEROGATORY) stood in my way of the pursuit of anything good #I fear we ought to exterminate them … good for nothing ………#anyways … see why I kin Layla ? in truth .. I love the name Layla too #Layla …. ‘night’ …. I always loved the night time so deeply and the night sky too to the point I even wanted to be called Layla when I was a #soooo young #see me and Layla are crazy similar it’s genuinely insane #add to cart !#.

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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@lonelysvnflower <3

First post ! 🦈❤️ Say Hi !👋🏽

#LOOOOL IM CRYING #add to cart !#him when he thinks of you meto forreal #he told me himself #‘must get home to my darling wife…’

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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Reminds me :3 I have a Gilgamesh tapestry, and he is a half lion half hawk creature ! And you know, it’s so exciting at a stupid level, bcos Kaveh is lion core, alhaithams name LITERALLY means hawk :3 ! SAUR ! YK ! just don’t let those dumbass shippers find this bcos I SWEAR TO THE LORD ABOVE YALL ;&&30201$$839292 🤬🤬🤬 … I will find you and end you all if you say stupid ass shit abt them around me (and in general) … yall have disrespected ME (directly and indirectly) AND MY CULTURE FAR ENOUGH, and if yall even think abt taking MY ORIGINAL IDEA ABT GILGAMESH AND THEM I WILL END YOUR DAYSSSS

#dora daily #.#ok that’s my warning rant over I’ll expand in tags !#I say this bcos I adore how interrelated the two are #it’s like opposites but like they’re still somehow two sides of the same coin !#I LOVE complexity like that #GOOD SOUP FORREAL #Its good I don’t say the warning in tags tho bcos some people are blind as FUCK.#I gotta ruin the aesthetics of the post so yall can get a grip #and Gilgamesh is a symbol from the city in Iraq IM from since the time of Abraham !#cool isn’t it ?

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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is iraq even real

You have never touched down on a hot but windy summer night in Baghdad & you have never taken to the many malls strewn through the capital & you have never visited the neighborhood your mother grew up in & you never cried imagining her walking crowded streets downtown & you have never been taken to Iraqi orchestra where your aunt’s husband performed & you have never aimlessly wandered the University of Baghdad where your mother attended & you have never snuck into the university library even though you needed a student ID & you have never visited the many decadently themed restaurants in Baghdad & you have never watched mauve and tangerine bathe the city in a glorious flare & you have never sat on the edge of the Tigris River a safe distance from drunken boys while the city lights trembled off the water & you have never hit up every antique store there is to take as many souvenirs as possible & you have never visited the Royal Cemetery with its intricate craftsmanship & you have never

#‘is Iraq even real’ the FUCK sorta question is that ?!#Is your mother real ? Is your father real ? better questions imo #this is how you know the person who sent this is a dimwit bc how do you not know that Iraq is literally the originator of everything #it’s the place where Abraham was from ???#bye this is how ik it was a dumb American who asked this …#add to cart !#CHILD OF SEVEN GENERATIONS OF BASTARDS HELP ME ?! I JUST READ THAT NOW LORDDDDD

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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*seductively* doomed by the narrative all by yourself, handsome?

#damn this would work on me 😓#add to cart !

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kavehayati · 7 months ago

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