kawtinkandy

[kawtinkandy]

Haven't been feeling so good the last few days, something unexpected popped up. Seems to be my luck these days, I'm so tired of it! I miss my children horribly, especially with fathers day right around the corner. Found a vegan recipe for cottage cheese today that I thought would be fun for me to share. If I'm alive long enough to make it when I have a place, figured why not have it here to look back on.

Ingredients

250 gram firm tofu

5-6 tablespoons unsweetened soy yogurt

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon nutritional yeast

1 teaspoon lemon juice

Preparation

Crumble up the tofu with your hands, so it resembles the texture of cottage cheese with smaller and larger pieces. Wrap the crumbles in a clean tea towel or cheesecloth and squeeze the excess liquid uit of it.

In a bowl, mix the tofu with the soy yogurt, salt, nutritional yeast and lemon juice. Store in the fridge to marinate. You can eat it right away, but it will taste better the next day. The cottage cheese will keep in the fridge for at least five days.

Found the recipe on https://lowcarb-vegan.net be sure to check them out.

[kawtinkandy]

Another day, another post! Sorry for the few days not posting, I've lost track of days. Not to mention my will to carry on is at a all time low. I've hit rock bottom, and that grimy crap beneath the point of rock bottom...well that'll be me. I went off my meds as of Friday, it simply made things worse. It was a shock to my system, it made life stale and meaningless. I haven't been able to stop crying since stopping the meds, at this point I am completely defeated! No where to turn, my situation is horrible. I wouldn't wish this on a soul, yet my ex had no worries about throwing me on the streets. Not one phone call to see how I'm doing, not one phone call to say hey our kids want to talk to you. Worst of all fathers day is around the corner, I don't know if I'll be able to cope with that. I literally am afraid of myself, one suicide attempt under my belt already. What's to stop me from doing it again, and right this time? The counsler / therapist, whatever said for me to call hotline if I run into trouble. Yet they all say the same crap, I've been hiding my illness since I was 14, you don't think I don't know what's going to be said? Better yet, you don't think I know how to talk myself out of a situation with doctors? I know there's no magic cure to what I'm going through, but I'm at my breaking point with no hope! I just wish some miracle would come my way before its to late...

Your Friend On The Fringes

KawtinKandy

[kawtinkandy]

Another day and went, still no relief in sight. Thanks covid 19 you make everything so much easier. Well anyway, as I write this still feeling pretty much like crap. Plan on skiping the med today, makes me feel to weird. Not much else to blog about, basically nothing is going on. Well it is Friday, if I had my old life is still be asleep right now. I'd wake up around 9 am, do whatever that needed to be done and probably head out for a 12 pack for Friday night. That was my old life though, in a way I'm happy it's over. Just to much unnecessary anxiety and drama, but now I'm on a whole different level of stress. I'll have something to blog about tomorrow, until then. Your Friend on the fringes

KawtinKandy

[kawtinkandy]

So yeah, writing this at Denny's. Last time I remember being here was on my Ex's B-Day. That being said its kind of hard being here, but life goes on. Over the last few posts, I've noticed that I seem to be coming more and more from a darker place. What can I say though, I'm in a difficult spot that plays off of my already weak mental state. Will things improve, hard to see at a time like this. I can only keep my fingers crossed! I want to try to keep this post light, as you can imagine I need more positive in my life. I do have my phone meeting with my therapist / counsler today, so there's that. Maybe she can talk me through some of my thoughts. I really don't know what to do at this point TBH. On a good note I have lost 29 lbs. I think it's good anyway, Doc's on the other hand lol. I can remember before I got into my last relationship I was 130 lbs, trying to get back to that weight. It was where I was most comfortable, where I looked most feminine. Yes I did say feminine! Like I said in a previous post, when I'm comfortable with letting in on my secret that I would. Well give me a few more posts, but I'm sure your already picking up on it. Well today isn't one of those days for me, had to force myself to even want to write this. Until next time...

Your Friend On The Fringes

KawtinKandy

[kawtinkandy]

Sorry about the urinal pic right off the bat, but I'm sitting here at Wendy's as I write this post. Saw their gross restroom and thought I would share with you all. See I am caring...lol. Well the big day came and went, prescribed antidepressants. Well one to be exact, I knew coming out of that relationship I would never be the same. I'm honestly drained, dead inside. Numb! That's beside the point, now I need to focus on my health. This week has been busy with doctor calls, and I'm only midweek. Tomorrow the freak show called my life continues. Deep down I know nobody really cares, a way to make a buck right? The reason I say that is during my psych eval, it seemed as if it were being rushed. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. All I know is so many issues went unaddressed and I am left to suffer. That's my life story though, nothing new. I am tempted just to say fuck it, who would notice. The antidepressant given to me makes me feel even worse, and this is just the first day of taken it. I can't imagine how horrible I'd feel if I've been on it for a while. Living situation still crap, maybe it's the heat interacting with the med? I have no clue! Writing this post has been a struggle, and I usually love to write. No clue at this point, this post has just become a ramble no topic needed. Just like that urinal, my life needs to be flushed. Going no where fast with this post, so until next time...

Your Friend On The Fringes

KawtinKandy

[kawtinkandy]

Today I was fortunate enough to wake up in a motel room, helps out a lot especially since today is the big day, well should say tomorrow since I'm technically writing this the day before! Figure I'd need some time to work on the draft anyways to work out all the tidbits of writing a post. Sorry off topic, well I'm off for my psych eval is where I was getting at. I've been waiting for what seems like weeks for this day to come, and it's finally the day of reckoning. I'm willing to bet little 14 year old me would be bitching at me for even thinking of talking to a shrink! Though I do agree with 14 year old me, if I had just ended it then as I wanted I wouldn't be in the situation . Or mindset! Wow how years just flew by, now I'm reaching out for help. Who would've thought. Let me explain a bit, you see the events that transpired that led me to my current status in life really took it's toll on my mental health. It's not easy for me to talk about, nor do I think this is the place to be getting into to much detail. Let's just say I've been having suicidal thoughts for well over a month now, and it's not like I can just turn it off. If I sit and let it eat at my being, I'm sure I'll give in. It's not like being homeless makes it any easier, that in fact just eats away at my anxiety and depression. Wow I'm a mess, but while I might not be able to fix death I'm at least hoping I can fix my broken mind. What am I losing right? Either I get the help I need and get my mental health back on track, or I get to die...its a win win situation. I don't want to play down mental health there, it is a serious matter and for those reading this out there that feel like me or even a tad bit like me seek help as well. I'd never glorify suicide, I'm simply trying to give my perspective of the toll being homeless takes on someone's mental health. And oh boy has it taken its toll, but I was already struggling with suicidal thoughts it only magnified it by 100 fold. I wish someone would have noticed this when I was 14, it's not an easy secret to share with others. To the best of my beliefs I slipped through the cracks of the education system, and other safe guard s that supposedly exist out there cause no one bothered to care. That same cycle of not caring continues to this day, our mental health care system has failed so many yet it's still a stigma and goes unfixed. So sad! Why did I bother to write this post? Well I'm one of the lucky ones, who decided since this is my life I'll choose what happens and sought help. Others aren't so lucky, I wanted to shine a light on the matter that's why I'm sharing this. Even if not a soul sees this I'll know I made an effort to shine that light, can you the reader say the same? Help someone you know that's struggling with their mental health, even if it's yourself. As for me I prepared for the help thats coming today, no matter the outcome I'm hoping it helps cause I can't continue living like this. Went all across the board with that rant didn't I? Hopefully tomorrows blog will be more coherent then todays. By the way the pic in this post is the view from my room, it was nice while it lasted. Until next time...

Your Friend On the Fringes

[kawtinkandy]

A little over a month ago in a twisted turn of events, I found my self in the fringes of kandyland. No need to over think that statement, it is exactly what it sounds like...I'm homeless. Thrust out full force into a pandemic, with no cares as to what would happen to me. As if I was merely garbage to be taken to the dump. Over the past month, I've been mentally drained of my will to carry on. No this is not a suicide note, it's my way of describing the 2 possible outcomes to my situation. One, I'll have something to look back on when this all plays out and is over. Or two, if I do succumb to death either by my own hands or one of the many threats the streets have to offer at least my family will be able to have some sort of insight to my life. Posting this to the net may not have been a good choice, but I wanted to offer those that want to join in on reading my daily thoughts and struggles as a...well let's just say homeless man for now (I'll give more insight on that if and when I become more comfortable). No need to give myself more problems at the time being. So what can you as a reader expect from my posts? Raw honesty, plain and simple. I never thought I'd be in this situation, as I'm sure many other people feel the same. So I want to give an honest description of the struggles homeless face in America. Now I know there's a difference between types of homeless people, my perspective will be coming from that of a non-drug / alcohol abuser. A person that simply was unprepared at the wrong time, as so many Americans are today. A lot of us that live in poverty are living pay check to pay check, and this can happen to any one of them at any given moment. Sounds scary doesn't it, well that's some honesty that you won't hear politicians lobby about cause they simply don't care about the poor of the country. Think I'm lying? You ever seen how over crowded homeless shelters are? Now throw a pandemic on top of that mess and you'll see exactly how much they care. Sorry about the rant, as I said you can expect raw honesty here, as for now I'll save some of that energy for the next post.

Your friend on the Fringes

KawtinKandy