killinitinkinder

[killinitinkinder]

I’m not ready...

I’m not ready to go back tomorrow.

I cried earlier tonight giving my son a bath because I was telling him that tomorrow he would be going back to daycare. Tomorrow Mama would be going back to school and Dada would be going back to work.

I am so blessed to have a school district that has daycare for its employees and I’m blessed even bigger by the fact that the location of the daycare is in my building.

However-I am not ready to go back to school and to be a mama to 25 other babies. My year so far has been hard. By far the hardest year I’ve had yet. Coincidentally or not so coincidentally it’s also my biggest class. 🙄 This class is SO needy. And in the worst kinds of conflicting ways. I have so much trauma and neglect that they all crave love and attention from me and I can’t give it to them im the ways they want.

They are mean to each other. They are mean to me-and I know they’re just 5 but they can still be malicious in their words and actions. The difference is-as an adult I know they are expressing themselves the only way they know how which somehow makes it worse.

This break has been wonderful. I’ve gotten so much family time my cup is full. But if I’m being honest I’m afraid to go back. I’m dreading the depletion this job and this class put me through. Now-I know Christmas break can be a magical time of growth for kids, and trust me, I’m PRAYING that mine have experienced it but-I just don’t even know if that will be enough. I had a headache the first 4 days of break and I truly believe it was from all of the tension that this class gives me. When I finally was able to let it go and settle into break mode it was wonderful. I didn’t have any health issues, had great moods/days, and found myself able to sleep deeply and soundly.

Today I went to school to take down some Christmas decorations and get my footing under me and as soon as I got home I felt a headache creeping back in. Let me clarify, however, that while this class is hard, this year admin and the office has seemed to make my year harder. My principal stepped in the last week of school before break after my first observation of the year when she came to the conclusion that Holy Batman! my class is made of bottled chaos and we’re all just surviving. But I’ve been vocalizing a need for help since the middle of September and my requests have been ignored or I’ve been paid lip service. Admin also, all of a sudden, had all of these additional requests from us as a staff that have never been held before.

All-in-all I’m SO ready for my year to be done. I’m trying really really hard to go into tomorrow with an open mind and a positive attitude because I’m no dummy and know those kids will call me on it the minute they see me if I don’t genuinely try to put positivity into them and into the universe but tonight I’m struggling. I’m really really struggling. And tonight is one of those nights where I consider other career options and my path in life because something in me says it’s just not supposed to be this way.

Getting all of this out in an attempt to shake it off and start tomorrow fresh. Get a good nights sleep educhums and colleagues. Tomorrow brings a new year and a new semester.

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This year

I have 25 kids.

25 5 and 6 year olds. And a half time aide I share with a teammate of mine. Within my 25 students:

9 of my students have been written up and sent to the office. For all different things but basically the same thing-being disrespectful and continually disruptive.

I have tried telling my admin, my teacher BFF/teammate has tried telling admin, our math curriculum writer (who has taught in urban Washington D.C public schools) tried to tell them, and no one would listen. They all brushed it off “You’ll make it work, you’re a great teacher, I believe in you.” Until yesterday.

I got my first formal observation of the year (2 per year for contract teachers) and at one point-as I had one child shrieking and wailing on the carpet because she and another boy at her table grabbed the same paper and both pulled on it and her paper ended up ripping at the top, a whole other table (of 5 children) talking over me and ignoring any attempt of mine to get their attention, and a different child decide he didn’t want to do the independent practice activity just get up and help himself to the LEGO table-I made direct eye contact with my principal, with my hands at my sides and shrugged.

Now she had made a comment earlier in the year about never being able to hear me teach out in the hallway before and this year she could and was I okay? I simply explained to her that I have a consistent group of about 6 kids that just never ever ever shut up so I have to teach over them. They don’t stop, they don’t care if you take iPad time, computer time, recess, buddy, or free choice time. They tell me “I have candy at home-idc if I don’t get a sucker/M&M/Skittle etc.” “I have a tablet at home, idc if I can’t play on it now-I’ll just do it when I go home” and no matter how often I communicate with the parents that we are struggling-the behavior all happens the same.

After a few tears and “I know it’s bad I just don’t know what to do’s...” she looked me straight in the eyes and said “I don’t know what to do either.” She told me she’d seen me have rough classes before and still have a functional classroom. She said in all her years as an educator and an admin she had never seen a teacher be so thorough and explicit in their expectations and procedures and have the kids simply not follow them. She asked if I had missed a procedure or anything I normally do with other classes and I said no-and in fact-I’ve done everything I normally do and more and NONE of it has worked.

All-in-all it was gratifying for her to see (finally) why I’m exhausted all the time and why I’m short tempered with my kids (and colleagues) at the end of the day but it was just not what I wanted or needed to hear when she said she didn’t know what to do to help me. At least my pleas for help and support were validated. It’s been a ROUGH year. And I just pray that over Christmas break they all grow and mature and I have a different class come January.

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Whirlwind

I feel like I’ve been running a marathon since August. So much stuff has happened and this weekend is finally an open weekend. Praise the Lord. I need a day to sit and watch football and be in sweats and do nothing.

Well, it’s kind of open. Hub’s class reunion is Sunday afternoon for a few hours and he’s the president so we are semi-hosting it but not at our house thank God. It will be at his office and it’s going to be a cookout so we’ll mainly be outside. I’m hoping it won’t be as much prep as it would if we were hosting it here.

Calvin has been sick basically non-stop since the beginning of August. I’m praying for a break soon. He needs it, I need it, and Hubs needs it.

My class this year is beyond bananas. And the atmosphere at school is awful. Everyone is feeling it and it sucks. I’m praying this job opportunity for hubs works out because if not I’m either going to start looking elsewhere or considering an in-district transfer. It’s truly terrible. There is abundant favoritism and sneakiness and it’s becoming a toxic work environment. I just can’t deal with that on top of the shitshow circus that unfolds in my room on the daily.

All-in-all I am so so thankful for the personal life I live but professionally I’m questioning my career path daily and I’m not quite sure what to do with that. I guess we will see.

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I had to move classrooms this summer and I purposefully had my file cabinet put next to my door to be able to shove in front of it if needed and to purposefully block the view of my classroom from the window in my classroom door. I teach in a bad neighborhood and am on constant scanning mode any time we are outside and I see someone walking around in the neighborhood. I keep my phone with me at all times and the school office number has been favorited so I can call with 2 pushes on my phone. And now that I’m a Mom and my baby is in daycare with me AT my school all of my emergency drills have suddenly given me anxiety that I didn’t have before. Just the drills! It’s not unreasonable and it’s absolutely fucking ridiculous that if I were to actively express this outside of Tumblr I’d have people comment on it rather than understand it.

Anybody else remember how for a few years after 9/11 it was totally reasonable to be scared of a low-flying plane or flying/airports in general. It was just understood the 9/11 was an event that affected the American psyche and even though most planes landed totally safely it was understandable to be scared.

But when young people who are increasingly forced to consider the thought of being shot in school or at concerts say they feel uncomfortable with people openly carrying guns in public, suddenly they're too sensitive and infringing on the rights of others.

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Short of getting naked

And standing on my head there is literally nothing else I can do to connect with these families.

I have a class insta, Facebook group, Seesaw AND Remind and I have 1 follower on the Insta, 4 on the Remind (2 of which are the same person 🙄) and no one on the Facebook group or Seesaw.

Oh I also do daily folders and have had 2 communicate back with it.

HELLO! CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD’S TEACHER!!

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Lockdown Drill

They take on a much bigger implication when you’re practicing and realizing you’re in the same building as your child...

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First Week

I have lots of thoughts.

First. The district told us our cap would be 22 for Kindergarten. I’m currently sitting at 24 anticipating the 25th on Monday. 1 is in foster care and had a visit yesterday with bio parents. Foster Mom told me after every visit there’s a behavior regression. As someone who worked in a DHS shelter as a college kid it’s something I’m familiar with first hand. This student told me yesterday he was excited to go home because we was going to get to see his Mom and Dad. Today there was a definite regression. I also had a brother of a student I had last year (who is diagnosed with having RAD) sneakily added to my class. These 2 alone take a lot of resources and now I’m loaded up with even more kids. Not to mention my 2 kids that act like they’re being brought to school to be murdered or my other 2 who cry on and off all day...

It’s just made for a very long week. Plus my own little munchkin has his first daycare cold and he’s transitioning from a 2 nap schedule to a 1 nap schedule since he’s in the 1 year old room despite only being just over 11 months. The teacher mama in me asked for him to start in the 1 year old room so when he turns 1 he won’t have to move rooms. However-because of this he’s been coming home exhausted in the evenings which has brought about early bedtimes.

Also-our district has this policy called “equalization” where supposedly it’s implemented to ensure that all of the classes across the grade levels and home districts have the same amount of students in each class or close to it. However, my elementary school is the largest so we become the overflow school. There is a way we can see if the student truly belongs to our school home district or if they’ve been “equalized” from another district. 5 of my 25 have been equalized from other schools. 7 of my co-teachers kids belong to other districts. These schools do not necessarily have the same numbers we do. We know because we’ve checked. It’s just frustrating to be in this situation and to know that it’s not developmentally appropriate and that if anything it’s increasingly detrimental to ALL of my students foundational education.

Anyway. The week is over. I’m exhausted. I’m glad I get to recharge prior to next week.

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Wooo

Nothing like running into a former student (and their whole family) at Walmart as you’re making your final run to grab all the last minute school stuff. 🙄

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When your Superintendent says...

“Bidness” instead of business

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A new school year and classroom setup

Brings another round through Gilmore Girls ❤️

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Thennnn the scary parts 🤣😬

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The pretty parts of my room that I’m in love with and are basically finished!

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Welp it’s started

Just trekking up to school and lugged 6 big boxes of stuff into my classroom. I’ll be up there tomorrow meeting with my teacher bestie to plan for the upcoming year and I figured I could at least get that stuff out of my house and garage and maybe start to try to organize some of the basic stuff tomorrow.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited butttt there’s still that small underlying sadness my summer is over. But after seeing the daycare room last week I’m feeling much more excited for my little man to head to school with me!

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Bittersweet Feelings

About this time every summer my school switch flips so to speak. I begin to think about the upcoming school year and plan and get excited with anticipation about the new group I’m about to get and all the possibilities of the upcoming school year. I always spend a lot of time getting my planner ready with the school calendar dates and holidays. 

However-this summer is different. This is the first summer that I haven’t worked since I was 16 years old. I stayed home and spent quality time with my little guy. And it has been an incredible summer. We’ve found our own routine. Wake up, snuggle and then get ready, eat breakfast, go on a walk, play, nap time, lunch time, play time, pool time, nap time, sandbox time, dinner, play time, bath time, bed time. It’s been really nice to do what we want when we want. Take the hubs lunch at his office, go to story time at the library, and just in general hang out. I’ve also enjoyed getting a chance to take care of the house and make dinner. 

So I’ve reached this conundrum. I’m excited to go and meet with the childcare director tomorrow and get all of the paperwork filled out and figure out what we need to get for Cal and see the room he’ll be in when he’s there. But at the same time I’m sad. I’m mourning the loss of this time that we’ve had together just the two of us for the last few months. Although there are aspects that I hope to retain despite the beginning of the school year. 

This also has to do with the fact that my kid is about to turn 1 and so I’m having feelings about that too. On top of the excitement that the beginning of school brings. All-in-all I’m excited to get back in the classroom but I’m also sad that it means this summer is coming to an end. 

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When Oklahoma walked out a little over a year ago I realized I had taken the first stance far too long. I didn’t like politics because it was divisive and confrontational and I didn’t feel like I knew enough about them to even talk about them.

The walkout in Oklahoma pushed me to realize how damaging my original stance and thought process was and had been. I also realized how privileged I had been in order to hold that stance for so long. I was 27 years old before politics personally touched my life. I realized very quickly that was lucky. And then I realized how dare I continue to just sit by and let legislation be written and laws be passed that personally affected me and friends and people in my community that I CHOSE to be oblivious about. I was letting people make those decisions for me. And I decided I wasn’t going to let that happen anymore.

I will be the first to tell you that it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work to be informed and to stay on top. But it’s worth it to be aware and informed of what is happening in your country and state. It’s worth it to know what is happening and could be affecting you, your family, your friends and your livelihood and lifestyle. If you’re informed then you can use the legislature to hopefully affect change by communicating with your representatives. All-in-all, this post 100% on and if I could like it 1000 times I would.

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I’ve Got To Get Something Off My Chest

I am FED UP with teachers saying “I am NOT gonna deal with so-and-so next year. Don’t put them in MY class.”

Listen up colleagues. There’s one thing in knowing your triggers/weaknesses/personality traits that just don’t jive with your own, but it’s another to make that statement because the aforementioned kid has a reputation or you’ve seen them in the office or whatever. THEY HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE AND IT’S YOUR F-ING JOB TO TEACH THEM!!!

THIS IS WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! Seriously though. I’ve heard it more times than I can count over the course of the last few days. Some of this might be because I’m a kindergarten teacher and I don’t have/get the luxury of knowing anything about my kids before they step foot into my classroom-but the other part about that is I have to have a completely open mind EVERY. SINGLE. AUGUST. (No-my district doesn’t do a gradual start or a Kindergarten round-up)

I appreciate that this is both a blessing and a curse but COME ON. You agreed to be a teacher to ALL students when you took a job at this school. If you don’t like the student population/demographic/socioeconomic audience that the school serves THEN MOVE THE HELL ON.

I don’t mean to get on a soapbox and TRUST ME, I know how exhausting students with behavioral issues can be, but seriously, who do you think you are to attempt to dictate who is in your classroom and who isn’t?

I legitimately heard a teacher say today that if a 1st grader (who is on the spectrum, might I add) got put in her 2nd grade classroom, she would quit. Like, who the hell do you think you are? If that’s your line in the sand, then you just might as well step over it and into another school.

And maybe I hold this opinion because I truly believe that the children placed in my class are given to me by God because they are who I need in my life and they need me in theirs. I tell myself this and remind myself of this almost constantly and when I find that mindset I instantly feel calmer and seem to have more clarity.

I just don’t understand who these teachers think they are and it honestly sickens me to know that I work with people that make those kinds of statements.

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End of School Year Attitude

You want to build a tower taller than me with the wooden blocks and kill someone when it falls? Cool! 👌🏻

You’re playing with shaving cream and decided to cover your face to look like Santa? Whatevs. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Here-have a donut and go crazy! Just let me finish sorting this stuff and shutting my room down! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Youre playing with tinker toys and decided to make spiky bomb ninja stars to throw at each other? I don’t care, just don’t poke an eyeball out.

At recess-you wanna climb up to the top of the jungle gym and attempt to be King Kong-sure!Just make sure you tuck and roll on your way down!

Welcome to the jungle ladies and gentlemen. #36hoursandcounting