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King Falls AM Episode Twenty-Two: Somewhere Under the Rainbow

King Falls AM Transcript

Episode 22: Somewhere Under the Rainbow

Run time: 24:26

First Aired: Mar 15, 2016

Summary: The Rainbow Light’s continued presence has King Falls on edge and the action heats up at Lake Hatchenaw over what Herschel and Cecil reeled in two weeks ago.

(For a list of characters and references from this episode see the end of this post)

[King Falls AM theme plays]

Ben: And, of course, please use caution and common sense regarding the Rainbow Lights.

Sammy: And, you know, with everything else in life.

Ben: Right. Mayor Grisham is asking residents to not look directly into the lights and also to not harm and harass them in any way.

Sammy: Idiot! How do you harm and harass a light?

Ben: Sammy, I know you’re sore at the mayor but-

Sammy: Shouldn’t he be doing more than press releases about this? There have been rainbow lights hovering over the town for two straight weeks. Where’s the national guard, man?

Ben: I don’t know Sammy, I-

Sammy: Where’s his caution and common sense? We have lost people to these lights before.

Ben: I know you’re frustrated, Sammy, but I think that’s what he’s, he’s getting at. I-

Sammy: No, no no no no no. The only thing Mayor Grisham is doing is posturing to look like he cares because the election is this year. It’s despicable.

Ben: Dude, I agree with you! You’re right. But don’t forget about the positives!

Sammy: Such as?

Ben: The bronys man!

Sammy: (exasperated) Oh come on…

Ben: What? You have to admit it’s pretty cool that hundreds if not more of these brony guys have made the pilgrimage here because of the rainbow lights.

Sammy: Oh yeah, it is simply thrilling. Almost as thrilling as the fact that I was nearly stampeded by a herd of their mustangs when I was coming out of Rose’s yesterday.

Ben: Maybe they thought you were with them.

Sammy: Maybe so, I don’t know. I give off more of a furry vibe.

Ben: Very true.

Sammy: You get it folks, so to right this train please be aware of your surroundings, try to travel in packs-

Ben: Strength in numbers, people.

Sammy: And use caution and common sense regarding the rainbow lights and whatever is projecting them.

Ben: Stay safe King Falls!

Sammy: Alright, we’re taking your calls ladies and gents. Are the constant bright rainbow lights disturbing your sleeping patterns?

Ben: Much like Sammy.

Sammy: I’m tired man.

Ben: (laughing) I know, man! Have you or anyone you know gotten close to the lights or seen the UFOs up close and personal?

Sammy: We are here to listen to your issues and to offer help if we can. Give us a call, (424)279-3858.

Ben: And, as always, you can hit us up on your social media of choice at King Falls AM.

Sammy: Line three you’re on King Falls AM.

Caller: Hello, King Falls AM.

Sammy: Howard Ford Beauregard?

Beauregard: The third.

Ben: It’s an integral part of the name, Sammy, as you know Howard Ford Beauregard the first and Howard Ford Beauregard the second are probably still milling about in a dungeon or somewhere under town.

Beauregard: I’ll have you know-

Ben: Because they’re undying vampires!

Beauregard: Ha! More of your charming, paranoid wit. I suppose your five listeners enjoy your slander and degradation.

Ben: The lights must really be messing you up. Can coffins keep out bright as the sun rainbow lights from UFOs? Or-

Beauregard: Stevens, please alert your man and tell him I shan’t be addressing any of his inquires this evening or otherwise.

Ben: Your man? Ha! What century is this, Beauregard? Seriously, just tell me!

Sammy: Mr. Beauregard, may I ask why you’re gracing us with your presence via the telephone?

Ben: How did you pester people before the telephone, Howie? Telegram? By letter?

Beauregard: The reason behind this call is simple. I’ve been made aware of rumors swirling about that, well… that the townspeople are talking about me. More so that I may possess something that may cause this outbreak of colors in the sky.

Ben: Uh, it’s a rainbow. You’d know that if you’d seen light in the last milenia.

Beauregard: I don’t understand why, but I know that a large number of the residents listen to this show of yours. And I wanted to assure yourselves, and the lowlies, that listen to this rubbish that the rumors are unfounded and untrue!

Sammy: We actually haven’t heard this rumor, Beauregard, so-

Ben: Oh I have! I just wasn’t going to waste airtime on this petrified bloodsucker and his idiot manservant. Nobody has a ray gun that can shoot rainbows and can turn off electronics.

Sammy: A ray gun that can turn off electronics?

Beauregard: Now see here! This is exactly how things get out of hand. Stop talking about this. Stop thinking about this. I can hear you thinking… I have nothing of the sort!

Ben: Sammy we’ve had lots of tweets about a frequency beaming into ours and the listeners hearing it. Do you think this-

Sammy: What are you doing up there, Beauregard? Did you cause the 2015 electrolocaust with this thing?

Ben: (baffled) Oh man, is this true?!

Beauregard: (stammering) I uh, well you can’t, I don’t uh-

Sammy: Answer the damn question, Beauregard. Did you do something that knocked our entire town off the map?

Ben: Seriously, I had to get a whole new iphone, man! What’d you do, Howie?

Beauregard: I absolutely will not stand for this. I am not here to be persecuted and grilled about a transmorgrifier electrode-

Ben: You did this! This has you written all over it! But why?

Beauregard: Now see here.

Sammy: What’s a transmorgrifier?

Beauregard: I don’t know, how would I know? Nobody said anything about that.

Ben: Are you causing the rainbows and UFOs too? What the hell is going on up there in that manor of yours?

Beauregard: I will not tolerate this insolence! I will be calling my personal friends Mayor Grisham and Sheriff Gunderson, and they will not take kindly to how you are treating me! I came in peace, you degenerates!

Sammy: Are you saying they won’t appreciate you asking us questions about your involvement in all the weird stuff that happens in King Falls?

Ben: Not all, Sammy. Just some.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: What else are you doing up on your mountain?

Beauregard: Enough! I tried to use your media outlet, as primitive as it may be, to dispel a terrible rumor and all you’ve done is multiply the accusations. I will not stand for this. I will crush you.

Ben: (laughing) Oh ho ho!

Sammy: With your rainbow electrolocaust ray gun?

Beauregard: With all of my power and every fiber of my being! You fools should not doubt me!

Ben: Is this a threat? It sounds like a threat, right, Sammy? Will your personal friends-

Sammy: Mayor Grisham and Sheriff Gunderson.

Ben: Yeah, will they be cool with that? Do they know about your ray gun?

Beauregard: There is no ray gun! And these are no threats!

Sammy: I’m not really buying either of those statements.

Beauregard: There are only promises here, Stevens. Howard Ford Beauregard-

Sammy and Ben: The third!

Beauregard: Ugh, you fools! I am not a man to be taken lightly! I am not a man to be bullied. I am not a man-

Ben: But a vampire!

Beauregard: Mark my words… if you can refrain from your tomfoolery for one damn minute longer.

Sammy: Uh yeah, timer’s on, you have our undivided attention.

Beauregard: This is not the last time you’ll hear from Howard Ford Beauregard the third. Being the gentleman that I am, this is my fair warning to let you know this is far from over.

[The phone hangs up]

Ben: It’s funny he wants to keep talking to us yet his idiot yard-boy Pete can’t wait to stop listening.

Sammy: It really is sending mixed messages.

Ben: That was ten out of ten as crazy as it gets!

Sammy: I hope you’re right.

Ben: There’s no way we top that tonight, he is olympic gold medal winning levels of crazy.

Sammy: Okay, you aren’t wrong, but I’ve also learned to never count out anything in King Falls.

Ben: Huh, want to make this interesting?

Sammy: You wanna bet?

Ben: Just a, a friendly wager.

Sammy: I don’t know, I’m just not sure, I mean can you ever really count out any of this stuff?

Ben: Ten bucks man, call it! If you think something is going to top HFB3 tonight that’s easy money.

Sammy: For scientific purposes, I am in.

Ben: Ooooohh! Suckah! Rainbow lights, UFOs, electrolocaust? He’s literally the last person on the face of the earth I would trust with a potato gun! Much less a-

Sammy: A possible weird-ass weapon of mass destruction?

Ben: Correct. You will be funding my breakfast, sir.

Sammy: We’ll see. So moving on, another call?

Ben: Yeah. One more short one before the break. Line five, welcome to King-

Caller: Oh yeah? And I’m telling you to get the hell of my land if you don’t have a warrant!

Ben: Ron Begley?

Ron: This is my property, that lake is my property- And you can get the hell out of my face!

Sammy: Hmm, still sure about that ten bucks?

[The sound of buzzing, talking, and sirens in the background]

Ron: Ah, stupid government… Hey guys, you there?

Sammy: Hey, Ron. You’re live with us, sir, what’s going on?

Ron: Hell if I know. There’s a sh-(beep) ton of unmarked cop cars pulling up and making a god awful racket. I was sleeping, and it was a sweet dream of John Stamos, until these donut eating sacks of dogsh-(beep) woke me up! Please tell me you guys know what the hell is goin’ on.

Ben: Uh, Ron, we haven't heard a thing all night. Especially out by you and Kingsie.

Sammy: You said they’re unmarked, they’re not with the sheriff’s office?

Ron: Not that I can see. It would have been one, two, three… three, four, five of these x-filey f-(beep)-s now! And not one of em will even look at me. Just charging on past me to the lake and it’s like, it’s just me up here, you know! I don’t need the damn sirens squealing-

[The sound of sirens]

Ron: Here comes another f-(beep)-ing one! Come on!

Sammy: I’d put the ten dollars I’m about to win on Howard Ford Beauregard and his Dr. Evil rainbow lazer.

Ben: Not so fast with the money, Sammy, but I don’t think you’re wrong.

Ron: Hell no, look at that pinskirt! Agent Scully you are not, sister.

Ben: Uh, I’ll call Troy for you Ron, hang tight.

Sammy: Wait a minute, do you think this has something to do with the body Herscell and Cecil found a couple weeks ago?

Ron: Don’t bother calling him, Ben. And the hell if I know, Sammy. These pigs just can’t come onto private property and start doing as they please. All they have to do is talk to me, damn it! I’m an American! I don’t have to put up with this crap.

Ben: You don’t want me to call Troy and find out what’s going on?

Ron: Nah, cause the goofy son of a b-(beep) just showed up! Troy! What’s going on here?

Troy: I came as soon as I heard, Ron. These guys are F. B. I..

Ron: I don’t give a flying f-(beep) if they are President Lyndon B. Johnson’s personal pants makers! Hey! Yeah, you! Don’t step on those- not only are they environmentally safe, but they are pleasing to the eye! Hey! I’m about to go have some words with the Mr. and Mrs. doing to foxtrot on my begonias. Talk to Troy.

Sammy: Bye, Ron. Be careful out there.

Ben: Begonias?

Ron: Glad they sent the b-team out here to deal with this sh-(beep).

Troy: Hey fellas.

Ben: Troy, what’s going on over there, man?

Troy: I only came up to alert Ron about the alphabet boys coming, but apparently these g-men and g-ladies beat me to it.

Sammy: It sounds like bedlam out there, Troy, what is going on up there, do you know?

Troy: My buddy, I’m not completely sure I could talk about that live on the air.

Ron: (in the background) I don’t give a damn! Show me a warrant!

Sammy: Fair enough, Troy. It sounds like it’s pretty serious out there? Maybe you’d better go…

Troy: Oh yeah, I’d better go, if Ron keeps getting in these FBI guys faces he’s bound to get tased!

Sammy: Or worse I don’t know if Ron’s the type to take to guantanamo very well.

Ben: Give us a little hint before you go, man! Ron’s tough, he can take it!

Troy: Man, we’re live, right? You know I can’t talk about official police biz anymore on the radio.

Sammy: Ben, would you stop? It’s fine, Troy. Just please go make sure Ron stays out of trouble.

Ben: Damn it!

Troy: Ten-four, Sammy. And you fellas make sure to maybe, I don’t know, give Doctor Jeffery Rosenbloom a call ‘cause he can and should talk about… well, not official police biz.

Ben: Oooohh! Thanks Troy!

Sammy: You are a child.

Troy: Take her easy, guys. These constant rainbow lights are making me real uneasy.

[The phone hangs up]

Sammy: Stay safe Troy. You heard it here, folks, seems like there’s a bit of a commotion going on at Lake Hatchenaw, at Begley’s Bait and Tackle in particular. So if you happen to head that way at this ungodly hour, I don’t know why, then you may want to change your plans.

Ben: I got Dr. Rosenbloom’s number, Sammy. Should we call him?

Sammy: This is the same Dr. Jeffery Rosenbloom that works at-

Ben: The King Falls coroner’s office. So… should we?

Sammy: I don’t know… he kinda creeps me out. No offense, doc.

Ben: Cause of the zombie thing?

Sammy: I wasn’t even talking about the zombies! I was just talking about him. If the zombie thing were true, which it obviously isn’t, I don’t-

Ben: It was. Troy confirmed it.

Sammy: Troy is…

Ben: Are you calling Troy a liar, Sammy?

Sammy: Not at all, I’m just saying Troy is excitable. Who knows what those two saw that night and-

Ben: I’m pretty sure he saw the reanimated corpse of a John Doe from the lake try to eat Dr. Rosenbloom.

Sammy: Allegedly. That’s all I’m saying, and I’m leaving it at that.

Ben: (laughing) Come on, man! Try to earn that ten spot! Rosenbloom is a fan of the show, I’m sure it’ll be fun!

Sammy: Exciting, even?

Ben: Let’s not get carried away, how about, uh, interesting. Troy dropped us a big fat clue, man! It’s a King Falls scavenger hunt!

Sammy: No.

Ben: After the break we’ll call him.

Sammy: We really shouldn’t bother him.

Ben: After the break!

[Patriotic music plays as the commercial break begins]

Commercial: Hi, I’m Stephan Grisham, resident and mayor of our great little mountain town King Falls. Under my watchful eye King Falls has prospered. Crime and unemployment rates have fallen, and streets are virtually clear of all the apparition gang wars that plagued our beautiful town in the past. Regardless of what certain detractors might have to say, there’s simply no better choice for our town if we want to keep it growing and flourishing. That’s obviously why I ran unopposed the last two elections. Vote Grisham 2016 for a better tomorrow today. I’m Mayor Stephan Grisham, and I approve this message.

[Patriotic music fades, King Falls AM rock music plays then fades out as the commercial break ends]

Sammy: Unopposed the last two elections?

Ben: Don’t get all riled up, Sammy.

Sammy: This is ridiculous! This man is the definition of sleezy, slimy, political rhetoric and very little action. How could anyone with a brain vote for that guy?

Ben: But tell us how you really feel.

Sammy: I can’t. I can’t deal with him right now. And you knew that ad was about to run, man! A little warning, please.

Ben: I will gladly tell you to catch a bathroom break next time we run the mayor’s-

Sammy: Propaganda.

Ben: Political ads, but yes, that too.

Sammy: (sighs) Moving forward-

Ben: (loudly) Dr. Rosenbloom!

Sammy: Come on, Ben, the phone lines are all lit up, let’s just take some calls.

Ben: Oh, one call man. You’re destroying my journalistic gumption with every word. Cronkite, Brokaw, Ben Arnold!

Sammy: Alright you, just call the guy. I know you’re not going to drop it.

[The sound of a phone dialing]

Ben: (cheering) Yessss!

Sammy: (sarcastically) Thanks, Troy.

Ben: Yeah, thanks Troy.

Rosenbloom: Good evening, King Falls coroner’s office.

Ben: Uh, Dr. Rosenbloom?

Rosenbloom: Is this Ben Arnold?

Ben: You bet it is! You are live on the air with Sammy and I.

Rosenbloom: (without emotion) Wowzers. How exciting. To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, there is a commotion going tonight down at Lake Hatchenaw. Seemingly a police investigation?

Ben: We were told that you might know what’s going on. Is that true?

Rosenbloom: I don’t know the first thing about a police investigation, gentlemen. However, I believe you may be referring to the FBI looking into the body of one Rich McGuff found in-

Ben: Wait, did you just say Rich McGuff has… died?

Rosenbloom: Not in so many words, but his body was found in a lifeless state by two elderly gentlemen out motor boating on Lake Hatchenaw just a few-

Sammy: Herschel and Cecil found Rich McGuff dead?

Ben: This is terrible news!

Rosenbloom: It is rather disturbing to say the least.

Ben: Kingsie didn’t… uh… you know…

Sammy: He’ll get to it, Ben. Dr. Rosenbloom, uh, would you happen to have the official cause of death for Mr. McGuff?

Ben: Had to be foul play man! Nobody that could grow a mustache that lucious and shiny can have any sickness in him. Please, just please, Dr. Rosenbloom, tell me Kingsie didn’t have anything to do with this.

Rosenbloom: There was no evidence of Kingsie having had her way with the body.

Ben: That’s good news. Oh man, should you even be talking about this? Does Rich’s family know? This is breaking news we don’t wanna-

Rosenbloom: Rich McGuff had no known next of kin to be found, so while it’s definitely sad when one shuffles the mortal coil, at least there wasn’t family to find out about his murder.

Ben: I’m sorry, what?

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, are you telling us that Rich McGuff was murdered? This wasn’t a drowning or…

Ben: This is crazy!

Sammy: A murder in King Falls.

Rosenbloom: Obviously it’s a very concerning matter. The strangulation is what did it in. The gunshots, the knife wounds, the bludgeoning were such overkill. Really uncouth in my professional opinion. Once Rich awakened, I tried to speak and see if he knew who had done such heinous and despicable act, however there was only a slight hissing but guttural sound emanating from the exposed chest cavity

Sammy: What?

Ben: Dr. Rosenbloom, are you saying that not only was Rich McGuff murdered, but he also turned into a zombie too?

Rosenbloom: We don’t like to use the ‘zed’ word in the office, but yes, the body of Rich McGuff did reanimate after some time and stimuli.

Ben: Sammy take your ten bucks man, you win!

Sammy: Am I understanding correctly that Rich McGuff turned into one of those…

Ben: Zombies!

Sammy: Reanimated corpses like the John Doe?

Rosenbloom: You are correct, Sammy. Mr. McGuff being the tenth such instance in the past year since the Hatchenaw Doe is a pretty exciting time to be alive, believe you me.

Ben: Or undead.

Rosenbloom: That as well. However there really is nothing behind the eyes after the initial passing. The lights are on, knock knock, but nobody is home. It is the ultimate metaphorical ding dong ditch.

Ben: Wait, you said tenth instance? What the f-(beep) is going on here?

Rosenbloom: Apart from the obvious, not much Ben. It’s not like I’m quietly amassing an army of undead to do my bidding or anything as crazy as that. Aha, ha, ha, hm.

Sammy: (slowly) Okay… I think that’s about as much as I can take tonight. Thanks for the information, doc. Folks, please keep Rich McGuff in your thoughts.

Ben: Or just go down to the coroner’s office and throw uncooked meat at him! He’s a zombie, man!

Rosenbloom: You two are a riot, trust me everything down here is more than under control. I mean, except that there is a murderer on the loose in King Falls. The undead are certainly properly contained and accounted for.

Ben: Oh my… This is the worst!

Sammy: Dr. Rosenbloom, please give us a call should… I- I don’t know, I’m at a loss for words here.

Rosenbloom: I hate to be the life of the party and run, gentlemen, but I hear a slight rustling coming from the cold chamber, and I haven't seen my assistant Zoe in a little bit. Hm. Haha, ha, ha.

Sammy: Unbelievable. Stay safe, Dr. Rosenbloom. We’ll be in touch soon.

Rosenbloom: Duces. And I’m out.

[The phone hangs up]

Sammy: Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus! Can we go to break, Ben? I don’t know what-

Ben: The hotline is lit up, Sammy.

Sammy: The hotline? Do you have an interview scheduled?

Ben: I don’t, man! Only a couple people have that number.

Sammy: F-(beep) it. It can’t be crazier than the last twenty minutes.

Ben: Wanna go double or nothing?

Sammy: God. No. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

[Dogs yipping in the background]

Caller: Finally! I’ve been dialing your slowpoke asses all night long!

Ben: Archie? For the tenth time, you know if this is an emergency you should call the Sheriff’s office. Or Troy.

Sammy: I think they even have a special number you can call. It starts with a 9 and ends with a-

Archie: I know all about that, you silly Sally. And don’t get snarky with me! I’m literally calling you fools with the biggest damn piece of news in your little radio show’s history.

Ben: What’s going on, Archie? Is it the werewolves? Princess VonBarktooth?

Archie: It ain’t the damn werewolves! Thank heavens. I think the rainbow lights kept their furry butts in their trailer yard thank god, probably doing furry trailer park things… I’m sure they’ll stop now since the rainbow lights are gone.

Sammy: I’m sorry, did you say the rainbow lights are gone?

Archie: You bet your buttered up ass they are! I mean it just happened so maybe-

Sammy: Ben, you wanna check this out? Archie, thanks so much for breaking this news, this is a big deal!

Archie: Well, you’re welcome and such, but that ain’t the story you’re gonna be on your hands and knees thanking me for.

Sammy: There’s more?

Archie: Oh you bet your custom tailored britches there is! You see, oh my! They’re gonna to be sending the King Falls Gazette to take pictures soon! Oh I just know it! I need to get gussied up and fix my hair and put the Princess’s tiara on. So much to do, so little time I-

Sammy: Not if you don’t tell us, Archie.

Ben: They’re gone, Sammy! I can’t believe it, after two weeks the UFO’s lights just up and leave without- anything?

Sammy: Oh man, the bronys are going to be so disappointed.

Archie: May I speak now? I mean I don’t wanna interrupt your damn rainbow lightbrights commercial.

Sammy: Sorry, Archie. Ben, Archie was just saying that he has more news, it wasn’t just the lights leaving.

Ben: Is it good or bad news?

Archie: If you closed your damn trap I’d tell you.

Ben: Trap closed!

Archie: Well, I’d been soaking in my bathtub for just the longest damn time. Rufus and I were watching youtube videos, trying to lock down that stanky leg dance. Have y'all ever heard of that?

Sammy: Stanky leg?

Ben: I don’t know, keep going, Archie.

Archie: Well, long story short I mighta stanked it up a little too much and I pulled a hammy so I was taking a hot bath when I hear the loudest damn banging outside. I thought it mighta been the wolves, or even worse, the puppy babies come back, so I limped out as quick as I could, and at my door was the craziest thing I ever saw!

Sammy: Which was?

Archie: A fully nude man! Just dangling and banging on my front door and asking me for help, and I mean not a stitch of clothing on him.

Sammy: I have to believe that isn’t the craziest thing you’ve laid eyes on.

Archie: Well in this instance yes, trust me.

Ben: Archie, you didn’t sign up for Billy Sherwood’s naked yoga, did you?

Archie: That’s none of your damn business, Ben! But I might have. Anyway, this was a man that needed some help. More-so, I think it was a man you boys might want to talk to.

Sammy: Um… okay, and who would that be?

Archie: You boys better appreciate this! Cause I could’ve called Channel 13 or any other news outlet in town-

Ben: Channel 13 isn’t a news outlet, man. The main eleven o'clock news story was about the slushy machine getting retired at Nick’s Exit 13 Oasis. But we do thank you for calling us first, Archie.

Archie: Y’all just remember who loves you b-(beep).

Other Caller: Are these the men that can help?

Archie: Here, darling, take the phone. These boys will get you sorted out.

Tim: Hello? This is Tim, uh, Tim Jenson. Do I know you? Can you help me? I- I’m trying to find my way home, but… I just can’t remember where home is.

[An eerie tone transitions into the King Falls outro music and credits begin.]

References:

Brony: a male My Little Pony fan

Furry: I’m not explaining that one…

John Stamos: an American actor

X-files: science fiction television show

Agent Scully: X-files character

President Lyndon B. Johnson: a US president

Foxtrot: a type of dance

Begonias: a type of pink flower

Alphabet Boys: people who work for the government

Guantanamo: a US military prison in Cuba

Cronkite: an American journalist

Brokaw: an American journalist

Characters:

Ben Arnold, Sammy Stevens, Howard Ford Beauregard III, Ron Begley, Troy, Dr. Jeffery Rosenbloom, Stephan Grisham, Jeffery Rosenbloom, Archie

#king falls am #king falls podcast #king falls am podcast #king falls transcript #king falls am transcript #kfam #kfam podcast #kfam podcast transcript

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kingfallsamtranscripts2 · 4 years ago

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King Falls AM Episode Twenty-One: Swimmin’ With Kingsie

King Falls AM Transcript

Episode 21: Swimmin’ With Kingsie

Run time: 23:38

First Aired: Mar 1, 2016

Summary: Reverend Xavier Hawthorne unveils his newest plan for King Falls and the boys get a worrisome call from Lake Hatchenaw.

(For a list of characters and references from this episode see the end of this post)

[King Falls AM theme plays, transitioning into mildly creepy piano music]

Commercial: Sometimes in life things don’t go as we have all planned. Sometimes in life it’s easy to get discouraged when plans change. Do you get discouraged when plans change? We don’t. I’m Leland Hill of the Science Institute. Perhaps you’ve heard of us because of the help we do for families and people in need. Locally, globally, internationally. Or maybe you’ve only heard of us because of the suppressive media attacking myself, Science Institute founder Roland Northwoods, and other Science Institute alumni. Or maybe you’re just lost and looking for help in the dark and scary world. Possibly your inner consciousness is reaching out into the unknown, looking for answers. Why are we here? What’s the meaning of life? Why is a medium drink the size of a small bucket at fast food restaurants? Whatever you seek, just know, the Science Institute can help you. We want to help you. We will help you. We are here, King Falls.

[King Falls theme plays]

Sammy: The Science Institute? Really?

Ben: Keeps the lights on, Sammy.

Sammy: You’d think they could get one of their Hollywood brainwashed pals to at least read their propaganda instead of the ghoulish Leland Hill.

Ben: He does give me the willies but he is also paying the bills!

Sammy: Absolutely! And I’m sure the advertisement budget he’s paying Merv is a drop in the bucket compared to that old compound they’re finishing on Old Bombing Range Road.

Ben: I can see that you are trying your hardest to stay on their good side, Sammy, but let’s stay on track here.

Sammy: (laughs) You got it, we absolutely can, and should, keep it on the rails, I’m sorry.

Ben: Ooh, that’s the hot-line right on time. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the good Reverend Xavier Hawthorne calling in to tell us about his new venture as well as hopefully taking calls from you lovely listeners!

Sammy: New venture? Did God start paying less?

Ben: (Clearing his throat) Good evening, Reverend Hawthorne! Thank you so much for working us into your busy schedule.

[Reverend Hawthorne dramatic organ intro music]

Deacon Reggie: Ladies and gentlemen of King Falls, please put your hands together, get those hands a clapping, like the girls asses be clappin’ up in the club, put' em together for the one, the only, Reverend… Xavier… get right with Goooood, Hawthorne! Deacon Reggie, out! (Sound of a high five) Go get ‘em, brother.

Hawthorne: (very quietly) Oh Deacon Reggie, thank you so much for that lovely introduction! Appreciate you, fam!

Sammy: Hi, Reverend Hawthorne… and Deacon Reggie.

Hawthorne: Reggie can’t hear ya, he’s going back to his bunk on the bus. He’s got the gift of God though, don’t he?

Ben: That he does! How are you doing this evening, Reverend?

Reverend: Blessed to be here, Benjamin, Samuel. Gentlemen, how are you doing tonight? I said, how are you doing?

Ben: We’re… we’re well.

Sammy: (Laughing) Not too shabby. H-how are you?

Reverend: Very well, very well indeed. I’m sorry it took so long to get this calling to happen. I’ve been a busy, busy man of God these days.

Ben: Indeed you have, Reverend. Is the tent revival business still going well?

Reverend: Where there are sinners there is always a need for salvation. And where there is salvation, there is Reverend Xavier get right with God Hawthorne’s stomping out the devil revival. You got to stomp out that nasty devil! Just stomp him out!

Sammy: You know, you should have that on t-shirts.

Reverend: Already do! Nineteen ninety-nine each or two for forty dollars. You have a keen eye for marketing, Samuel, a keen eye.

Sammy: Reverend Hawthorne, there was mention of you in the King Falls Gazette a week or two back about you possibly settling down in King Falls. Is there any merit to that claim?

Reverend: Now Samuel, I hate to speak out of turn, but let me just say that good things come to those who wait. And good old Xavier has been a waiting a long time to find a parish to call his own. And glory be I think we might have struck a deal at the King Falls First Old Baptist Church!

Ben: Oh wow, so that would-

Reverend: Can I get an amen, brothers?

Ben: A...men?

Reverend: Our prayers have been answered! Just as soon as the check clears the bank…

Sammy: So you signed a deal that would keep the road show-

Reverend: Ah! Stomping out the devil revival!

Sammy: Stomping out the devil revival with a permanent home in King Falls?

Reverend: Well, we’d still tour. That sneaky devil is always popping his head up where he shouldn’t. The ultimate game of wack-a-mole. And you’d better believe we’ll be there to whack him down every time! Every time, devil! Whack-whack-whack!

Sammy: But…

Reverend: But yes, we will have the church as our home base. Praise be!

Ben: Isn’t the First Old Baptist Church a little… what’s a good way to say this…

Reverend: Oh it’s a sinkhole waiting to happen! But that’s where we come in, Benjamin. We’re going to raise some money from the good folks of King Falls, and we’re going to build that cheeple steeple into the megachurch that the Holy Trinity, that the town of King Falls, and Xavier Hawthorne deserves!

Sammy: Huh.

Ben: A megachurch? Those are like stadium size churches, right? How will that ever fit on the corner lot First Baptist is on now?

Reverend: Where there is a God’s will, well don’t you know, there's an entrepreneurial way. Eclesiastes 1, 5 through 7.

Sammy: Now Reverend, for those residents who don’t go to church, but would still like to know that they’re helping an institution that will help out their fellow man-

Reverend: I hear the doubt in you, Samuel! And it is strong. And it is scary. I don’t want to go Yoda on you, but you don’t want none of the dark side funk on your everlasting soul, son!

Sammy: Right. Back to the question, I’m assuming that the church will be actively putting money and good will back into the town. Is that correct?

Reverend: You’d better believe it, Sammy. But there’s no other reason to do it than to help out all of God’s children.

Sammy: Some more than others?

Reverend: We’ll be doing outreach programs, food for the needy, clothes for the poor. We’re working on a deal to rent out the old dilapidated putt-putt place right next to the church as well.

Ben: Oh man! Sir Putts-a-Lot? That was the place to go back when I was in middle school!

Reverend: Sadly, I don’t think it’s seen many good years since then. But we’re going to try to refurbish and reopen as a money making venture for the folks, like you’re speaking of, Sammy, that don’t do church. Now, we’ll be Christian themed, but it’ll still be fun for the non-believers.

Ben: Oh man, I can’t wait. Sammy, the eight hole at Sir Putts-a-Lot was-

Reverend: (Loudly) Glory Holes!

Ben and Sammy: What?!

Reverend: Glory Holes- mini golf for a mighty God. We opened one in Tuscaloosa back in 2013. It’s a proverbial gold mine for God.

Ben: Okay, well that’s… that’s an interesting choice of words.

Sammy: (laughing) I can’t wait to go to Glory Holes! Do you have an approximate grand opening date? You know, that’s something that should be marked on every calendar in town. I’d like to mark it on every calendar in town, actually.

Reverend: As I’ve said, checks have to clear, hands need to be shaken, and prayers need to be answered. We’ll see, but it should be sooner than later, boys.

Sammy: I had questions, but you know what… I can’t follow that.

Ben: Reverend, would you mind sticking around and taking some calls with us?

Reverend: Absolutely! Anything to spread the good word and the gospel.

Sammy: You heard Xavier’s story, kids, now let’s hear yours. Give us a call at the studio, (424)279-358.

Ben: Uh, before we go to the phone lines! Does God ever, like, intervene in matters of the… heart?

Sammy: Ben.

Ben: You know what I mean. Rev, like, if a boy likes a girl, but the boy made a real righteous ass- excuse my language- out of himself to save the girl from another boy’s affections… creepy, creepy affections?

Sammy: This sounds familiar, Ben. Is this anybody we know?

Ben: I’m asking for a friend.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: So, Reverend, I- I don’t really know how this works, like, if my friend, uh, prays really hard will he-

Sammy: Tilt the odds in his favor.

Ben: Exactly!

Reverend: You know, Benjamin, I think it starts with having a personal relationship with your lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and then feeling it out from there.

Sammy: I think it works for wars and football teams all the time. Give it a shot, Ben.

Ben: Can’t hurt, right?

Sammy: The phone lines are lit up, Buddy.

Ben: Right, uh, right. Heh, we can talk about that later, Rev.

Sammy: Lucky line one, you’re on King Falls AM with the Reverend Xavier get right with God Hawthorne.

Caller: Hey, Sammy. Hey, Ben. Hey, Rev.

Sammy: Ron Begley! How are you doing, sir? Long time no talk!

Ron: Doing just fine, Sammy! Just fine!

Ben: Do you have a question for Reverend Hawthorne?

Ron: Sure thing. Now, Reverend Hawthorne, what would the going rate be to rent old Glory Holes for a private putting party? I got an ex-life partner Bruce looking for a place to get hitched to his fiance, Larry, who happens to be a golf pro.

Reverend: Whoa, now!

Ron: Hello?

Reverend: I’m sorry, Bruce and Larry?

Ron: Yeah! Do you know ‘em? They’re all kinds of religious.

Reverend: You know, I have to get with our finance manager. There’s a lot of moving pieces and- what was it- do y’all hear that? It’s God. He’s a calling me. I got him on the spiritual speed dial. I think I’m losing you, fellas. Let’s chat about-

[The sound of a phone hanging up cuts off the rest of what the Reverend is saying.]

Ron: Hahaha, works every time.

Sammy: I’m guessing there is no Bruce or Larry.

Ron: Hell yeah there is! And I really wanna rent out a putt-putt place named Glory Holes for the reception, but I didn’t figure that stuffed pudgery would talk about it.

Sammy: I think you’re correct.

Ben: How’ve you been, Ron?

Ron: Uh I can’t complain. But I do anyway. All’s well at the bait shop.

Sammy: And how is, uh… you know.

Ben: Just say it, Sammy!

Ron: You can do it, Sammy! How is who?

Sammy: Oh fine! How is Kingsey the lake monster doing?

Ron: All right! That’s what I’m talking about.

Ben: You did it, buddy. I’m proud of you!

Sammy: Oh, whatever. Saying is not believing, guys.

Ron: One important step closer. She’s doing just fine, by the way. But I gotta tell you, I’ve seen Kingsie more now than I ever have before. Seems like anytime I’m on the lake Kingsie comes right on up. No fear in her at all. It’s the damnedest thing.

Ben: That’s strange, Ron. Wasn’t it just a few months back that you had people out on the lake hunting her almost?

Ron: Yeah I don’t get it. You’d think she’d be more scared of the boat and the people but I’ve seen her visiting boats with my own eyes! I don’t like it.

Sammy: So no more trouble with trespassers, then?

Ron: Not a lick of trouble! I fixed those lousy poaching' sons of whores good!

Sammy: Do we even want to know?

Ron: Let’s just say I might have put some buckshot to some behinds!

Sammy: I’m not touching that one.

Ron: (laughs) That’s what he said.

Sammy: I don’t know if…

Ron: It works, Sammy! Trust me.

Sammy: I’ll just make a mental note not to be out on the lake looking for trouble.

Ben: So uh if you didn’t have a question for the Reverend, what’s going on then, Ron?

Ron: What, a guy can’t call his radio buddies to chat? Isn’t this talk radio?

Ben: Of course! I’m just-

Ron: I’m just messing with you, Ben! I actually do have a topic of discussion for both of you. A bone to pick, if you will.

Sammy: Oh wow, let’s hear it!

Ron: Well it seems that damn near every time I turn on 660 AM you two ruffians are fighting with somebody or getting tossed out of public places. I’d be proud you boys are about to level up your man cards! But I’m a little offended you didn’t come to me for help.

Sammy: With the fighting and getting kicked out of places.

Ron: I’m only partially busting balls here, but it’s partially serious too. You fellas with your fighting, as hot as it may be, ain’t the best for you or us who like listening.

Ben: Let it be known, I was not fighting! I am not a fighter.

Sammy: No, you were sabatoshing and throwing hush puppies!

Ben: Whatever, it still wasn’t a fight!

Ron: Hell, I wouldn’t classify what Sammy the mirror was doing as fighting either, you have to land some strikes and grapples to be a fight! You gotta actually make your hand into a fist to be a fight! Looked like a springtime, fully clothed, roll in the hay! I’ve had dates rougher than that quote unquote fight.

Sammy: Well, uh, obviously, you know I let my emotions get the better of me and it went arye.

Ron: Oh, whatever, Sammy! Not everyone’s meant to be a warrior. What I’m trying to tell you both is you fellas just need to do your fighting over the radio airwaves. You keep the physicalities to the professionals! You’re a bright spot in a lot of people’s nights around here and we can’t have you getting thrown of the air for rabble rousing and half-assed MMAing the jackass mayor.

Sammy: I think I get what you’re saying and we appreciate it, Ron. Believe me we will keep fighting the good fight the only way we know how.

Ron: With your sweet little mouths.

Sammy: I was going to say minds, but sure.

Ron: Alright, fellas. I can hear my radio going off like a son of a b-(beep) in the shop. Better go see what kind of damn fool would be trying to get me in the middle of the night. Take it easy fellas.

[The phone hangs up]

Ben: He’s a trip.

Sammy: He’s something. Line nine you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

[Magical twinkling music starts]

Ben: Oh no, hang it up, Sammy!

Sammy: Wait, what is this?

Ben: Seriously dude, this is bad news. Just push the button and-

Sammy: Hello?

Caller: Oh hello!

Sammy: Hello? We’re here, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Ben: Come on!

Caller: Oh splendid! I do love listening to you two!

Ben: Oooh, hi, Gwendolyn.

Sammy: (Amused) You know this lady?

Ben: Unfortunately.

Gwendolyn: It’s Gwendolyn! You’re such a smart cookie, Ben Arnold. So unlike your trailer trash friend Troy!

Sammy: Whoa, ma’am! If you could please not address anybody like that, we’d appreciate it. Sorry, Troy.

Ben: Remember when I asked you to hang up?

Gwendolyn: (Sarcastically) Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to offend your liberal sensibility! I’ll do my best to shackle my first amendment right to freedom of speech. We wouldn’t want to offend, now would we?

Sammy: Gwendolyn, was it?

Gwendolyn: Oh, it is, darling.

Ben: There’s more to her name, Sammy.

Gwendolyn: My, my, Ben I didn’t realize we were bringing proper titles into this conversation! How fancy.

Sammy: Oh, like a duchess of York or a princess situation?

Gwendolyn: Well, you could say that.

Ben: (Clearing his throat) Gwendolyn the Racist Witch.

Gwendolyn: It’s like a choir of purebred school children singing when you say it like that, Ben. Now I do prefer Gwendolyn the Hateful, but…

Ben: But one shoe fits better than the other.

Sammy: Gwendolyn, if I may be so bold-

Gwendolyn: You may.

Sammy: Obviously I’m grasping most, if not all of your title, but I’m finding myself a little… hmm.

Ben: Sammy doesn’t believe in witches.

Sammy: That is correct.

Gwendolyn: How very sad! Were you an underprivileged child, Sammy? You sound at the very least like white middle class. Do you not know what a witch is?

Ben: Uh, no, he knows what witches are, he just doesn’t believe in them.

Gwendolyn: Well I don’t believe in Muslim presidents, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have one!

Ben: Ooh, told you to hang up, Sammy!

Sammy: Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you don’t have a topic that isn’t-

Ben: Racist.

Sammy: Right. Then we’re going to have to let you go.

Gwendolyn: Oh, but I do have a topic, Sammy. I would never call in just to waste your resources like welfare on those-

Sammy: Gwendolyn! I’m not going to let you use this as a forum to spew venom and hatred! There are plenty of other AM radio stations that will let you do that, but we certainly will not.

Gwendolyn: Oooh, strong! Forceful! I like it! You have some aryan in you-

[The phone hangs up with another twinkling sound.]

Sammy: Nope! I tried, I just can’t do it.

Ben: Try living with that your entire childhood! She lived a block over from my mom. You should’ve heard the stuff she’d yell out at little league games!

Sammy: Is that where you learned most of your large vocabulary?

Ben: (Coughing) Hardly! No, uh, line two you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

[The sound of outside night noises (crickets and wind and frogs) begin]

Caller: Oh hiya, Ben. It’s Mr. Sheffield.

Ben: Hey, Mr. Sheffield, how are you doing this evening?

Cecil: Oh I’m just swell. It’s just so good to hear a friendly voice. Let me ask you something, have you heard from Esther lately? I’ve been putting in those booty-calls but I haven't heard a thing back!

Ben: He isn’t talking about Esther Rollins, is he?

Sammy: Hi, Cecil, are you talking about Esther Rollins from Esther’s Sewing Corner?

Cecil: Ah, you betcha, bud!

Ben: We… I mean, he’s gotta know, right? She passed six months ago or so.

Another person in the background on the line: Damn it, can you hear me?

Sammy: I hate to be the one to tell you this-

Ben: Is that Herschel in the background?

Herschel: Hello!

Cecil: Oh, I know she passed, fellas! But she was still answering her secret number and moseying on over for the longest time!

Sammy: I- I’m sorry… what’s that, Cecil?

Herschel: Did you get those butternut f-(beep) on the phone yet, Cecil? Stop talking about banging a ghost! Is that the dumbass duo? Give me that!

Ben: Are you guys out together… looking for Esther?

Cecil: Oh no, I was just wondering about her and thought you boys were in the know and could help. Me and my best friend are out on the lake tonight and we’re fishing-

Herschel: Don’t tell ‘em, you no good penis wrinkle! This is Herschel F. Bomgardener’s find! Tryna take all my glory. Son of a (beep).

Cecil: I’m sorry. Hersch really wants to tell you guys something. Can you call me back though? About sweet old Esther...

Herschel: Oh Jesus, not one damn person in this town who wants to hear about Cecil Sheffield laying the old ghost post. I’m tired of hearing about it my damn self! You listening King Falls AM?

Sammy: Hi, Herschel.

Herschel: Well don’t sound so excited, Stevens. I’m just dropping the biggest old breaking news money shot all over your face.

Ben: That’s an image! Uh, what can we do for you?

Herschel: Well for starters, how’s about kissing my ass? And don’t you take a tone!

Ben: There wasn’t a tone! I swear!

Herschel: I’ll never understand your generation. If I talked like that to my elders I’d never have made it past nine years of age! The damn factory foreman would have skinned my hide.

Sammy: It sounded like Cecil was about to tell us something, and you mentioned breaking news? Is that correct?

Herschel: I’m getting to it! Damn it to hell, boys! Like I used to tell Edna; slow and steady wins the race. Better hurry up, though I’m about to fall asleep.

Cecil: Hey, Herschel, I don’t think this is Kingsie...

Ben: Kingsie? Is something wrong with her?

Herschel: Do I look like doctor f-(beep) lake monster to you, Ben?

Sammy: What’s going on out there? I assume you two are out on Lake Hatchenaw?

Herschel: That we are. Me and Cecil are out tonight trying out some new lewers. Real fancy stuff.

Cecil: Hey, I’m sure this thing ain’t Kingsie, Hersch.

Herschel: I f-(beep) heard you the first time, Cecil! Jesus Christ! Can’t you see I’m talking on the radio!

Cecil: Sorry, buddy.

Herschel: Ah if I had my gun I’d put that brain-dead dumbass out to pasture. Anywho… goddamn it, what the f-(beep) are we talking about?

Ben: (Annoyed) You’re on the lake, testing lures.

Herschel: Right, uh, so we hit secret spots, and then, erm try to feel the Cecils out. And wouldn’t you know it, we found that old serpenty b-(beep) Kingsie, belly up.

Ben: What?!

Herschel: Deader than Rock Hutchson’s affections for the ladies.

Ben: Oh man, I cannot believe that. This- This hurt. I gotta call Ron back.

Herschel: Ain’t no use calling that son of a b-(beep)! I was radioing on his bait shop the last twenty minutes to no avail! Figured he’d want to go out and say his goodbyes before Ray Chin comes out here and suzies her up real good.

Sammy: Ben, give Ron a call so he doesn’t hear about Kingsie like this.

Herschel: Ah she was a damn fine lake monster.

Cecil: (In the background) Herschel this ain’t Kingsie!

Herschel: Didn’t really mess with me and hecklewood, stayed out of my spots. I won’t miss her, but damn if I don’t salute her for knowing some boundaries.

Cecil: Turn on your damn hearing aid! It’s not Kingsie!

Herschel: Oh, what now? I ain’t too old to dump you wrinkled ass right off the side of this boat.

Cecil: No! Give me the phone!

Sammy: Hey Ben, hold on a second.

Cecil: Hello? Is this Ben Arnold and his buddy?

Herschel: (From the background) I let you have it you fardknocking old cuss.

Sammy: You’re live, Cecil. Is what you found on the lake not Kingsie?

Herschel: Let me get a good look at this thing. Hey, shine the light over here, Cecil. Get a little closer.

Cecil: That light fell overboard in Kettleton Cove.

Herschel: G-(beep)-damn it! Watch your dirty cheating crumb catcher! You don’t know what kind of eavesdropping satellites are listening in to scout bots or the bass tourney. Mother f-(beep)!

Cecil: The light is gone, Herschel! Sorry.

Sammy: Fellas?

Herschel: Hey, this may not be Kingsie. Quit whistling f-(beep)-ing dixie and get us closer!

Sammy: It’s not Kingsie, Ben.

Ben: Ohhh thank goodness! What is it?

Herschel: Jesus, I think this is a dead body!

Sammy: It’s a dead body.

Ben: That’s much better than Kingsie… so young… WHAT?! Wait, what?! Again?!

Herschel: It’s all wrapped up in something. But it smells human to me. Pull over closer, Cecil. Jesus Christ, do I have to give you a haunted hanty to get closer to the g-(beep)-damn body?

Cecil: We’re going to go closer.

Sammy: Why don’t we let you guys go so you can call the sheriff’s office.

Herschel: Eh, it’s so damn dark! Where’s my million candle lamp, you dumbass.

Ben: I’ll call the sheriff’s office. Where are you guys at on the lake?

Cecil: You know I can’t rightly tell you, Ben. Shhh, it’s a secret!

Ben: This is a little more important than the bass tournament, Mr. Sheffield!

Herschel: Don’t you tell ‘em! Tell those pansies to send the coppers to Begley’s. We’ll meet them there. Your big mouth has already broadcasted too much!

Ben: To Ron’s, got it. I’ll make the call, guys.

Cecil: Hey, what’s that noise? Do you hear that, Herschel?

Herschel: Sounds like they’re right over the treeline. We could shine the light if you hadn’t tossed it in the lake!

Cecil: Oh hush!

Herschel: Fifty nine ninety-nine at Sears and Roebuck. Don’t think you won’t replace it-

[There is a loud crashing sound like thunder]

Cecil: What the heck is that?!

Herschel: Well Charlie f-(beep)-ing foxtrot!

Sammy: What’s wrong, guys?

Cecil: Look at those lights… Oh, pretty colors… beautiful…

Sammy: Lights? Is it the UFOs?

Herschel: Gosh, those damn rainbow lights again. We’re not going to catch nary a f-(beep)-ing fish tonight. Son of a buttered up, biscuit eating b-(beep)!

[King Falls outro music and credits begin]

References:

Yoda: a fictional character from Star Wars known for his wisdom and fighting against the ‘dark side’

Glory holes: I’m sorry I’m not going to explain this one… If you’re over 18 feel free to look it up, if you are not please don’t.

MMA: Mixed martial arts

Rock Hutchson: A gay actor

Sears and Roebuck: department stores

Charlie foxtrot: military slang for a chaotic situation

Characters:

Sammy Stevens, Ben Arnold, Leland Hill, Deacon Reggie, Reverend Xavier Hawthorne, Ron Begley, Gwendolyn the Racist Witch, Cecil Sheffield, Herschel F. Bomgardener.

#king falls am #king falls am podcast #king falls am transcript #king falls transcript #king falls podcast #podcast #podcast transcript #transcript

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Archive

Episodes 1-10 done by @kingfallsamtranscripts

Episodes 11-20 done by @kingfallstranscripts-blog

Episode 20: Referencing Aladdin Don’t Make it Right

Episode 21: Swimmin’ With Kingsie

Episode 22: Somewhere Under the Rainbow Lights

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King Falls AM Episode Twenty: Referencing Aladdin Don’t Make It Right

King Falls AM Transcript

Episode 20: Referencing Aladdin Don’t Make It Right

Run time: 22:17

First Aired: Feb 15, 2016

Summary: Sammy & Ben get a quick update on the little ones off Route 72 and learn live on-air that not everyone had a great evening on the night of the Valentine’s Day Dance.

(For a list of characters and references from this episode see the end of this post)

[King Falls AM theme plays]

Troy: Hey folks, if you or anyone you know has any information on these hybrid werewolf slash human baby thingamagigs-

Sammy Stevens: Is that a technical term, Troy?

Ben Arnold: Can you please let Troy finish, Sammy, this is important!

Troy: Heh, thanks, little buddy.

Ben: Go on, Troy.

Troy: Well if you see those little beasts or have information on them you just got to let us know. Don’t harbor them, they could have the rabies and or the colic. And please don’t try to adopt while it’s in its human form, cause that ain’t gonna end up well. Just use your common sense and be safe.

Sammy: Thanks for calling in officially with police business and alerting the public to the issue.

Ben: Yeah, nice hearing from you on the job, Troy.

Troy: Whilst I’m still on official police biz, I’d like to make one more little statement if I could, fellas.

Ben: Dude, of course! The floor is yours!

Troy: Well the sheriff is a real foul mood regarding these hybrid wolf babies and what have you just running amok, and he wants to make it completely, perfectly, crystal clear that if anyone should have these animals or any other illegal animals in the city limits of King Falls, they will be apprehended and exterminated on site with extreme force of malice. King Falls is a zero tolerance town for any illegal animals of any kind, up to and including wolf-human hybrids.

Ben: So… uh (clears throat) you’re saying that anyone listening that may have access to a cute and cuddly but illegal animal should do… what?

Troy: Now I’m not talking to no one in particular, I mean this isn’t a warning, it’s just a fact. Sheriff Gunderson is making it a personal project to bring down any and all animals that shouldn’t be in town.

Sammy: But cats are fine, is that right, Troy?

Troy: No doubt about that. Ain’t nobody gonna get any cats while I’m patrolling the streets, friends.

Sammy: There you have it, folks. If you or anyone you know has any information on the werewolf puppies last heard from around Route 72 or any other illegal animals not allowed in the city, please contact the sheriff’s department at once.

Ben: (sounding strained) Thanks for the info, Troy.

Troy: All you listeners, you stay safe out there, alright?

Sammy: Thanks, Troy. We’ll talk to you soon, sir.

Troy: Roger that, Sammy.

[The sound of a phone hanging up]

Ben: (clearing throat) Well… that’s good information there, huh?

Sammy: Are you okay, Ben?

Ben: Yeah! You know, I’m just… I’m not a fan of the idea that Gunderson is sending out gangs of thugs to dispatch animals, man! Aren’t there real issues for law enforcement in this town? Last week, I saw old lady Turner jaywalking in front of the grocery store.

Sammy: So you’d rather Gunderson take down the organized jaywalking underbelly of King Falls?

Ben: No, I actually helped her cross the street, but the point is that this werewolf issue seems like an animal control issue! Let Ralf Harkins take care of this! Why are the police even involved, man?

Sammy: Your guess is as good as mine. Moving forward-

Ben: Yeah! Yeah, uh, moving forward we’ve got about thirty minutes of open calls lined up before acclaimed ebook author Kirk Sycamore- don’t judge this, Sammy- will be joining us to talk about his new book Dead Tom Turkey: The Perils of Uncooked Poultry.

Sammy: I’m sorry, what now?

Ben: I mean… it’s a thing. Undercooked anything can’t be good, right?

Sammy: I would assume, but seemingly that one sentence just covered everything you need to know. Cook it longer.

Ben: Then it might get dry. I don’t know man! Don’t look at me like that! Merv emailed and asked to book this guy. His book topped Beauregard’s King of King Falls, it’s got to be worth something, right?

Sammy: The perils of uncooked poultry.

Ben: In thirty minutes.

Sammy: I don’t know if I can hold this excitement in for thirty minutes, Ben. You must be bursting at the seams! Surely you’ve waited your entire journalistic career to talk about under-broiled birds.

Ben: Uh, if it makes this any better, apparently this is a novel, not an instructional guide.

Sammy: (outraged) That actually makes it worse! This is a fictional piece of work?!

Ben: Merv emailed this to us, Sammy.

Sammy: Listeners, please immediately stop what you’ve got going on and mark this down: I’m going to do my damndest to get you the info on Merv’s book of the month club. I’m on your side and I am fighting for you.

Ben: Merv, if you are listening, I do not need to be cc-ed on the email you are penning.

Sammy: (laughs) You heard it folks, that’s coming up quickly, but until then we are taking your calls, King Falls. What would you like to talk about this evening, Ben?

Ben: Whatever’s clever.

Sammy: Talking about whatever’s on your minds before what is sure to be a Pulitzer winning interview.

Ben: It’ll be good- you’re making fun- but it’ll be good.

Sammy: How could it not be? You heard our story, King Falls, now let’s hear yours.

Ben: Give us a call at the station- 424-279-3858, or hit us up at the tweet machine!

Sammy: That’s @ kingfallsam and @ kingfallssammy respectively. Line seven you are on the air with King Falls AM.

Pete Meyers: You’re saying to yourself: I don’t think Pete Meyers would listen to a show of this terrible quality, as handsome and as smart as he is. He’s probably watching Big Bang Theory or something.

Sammy: That is exactly what I was thinking, Pete.

Ben: Word for word, almost.

Pete: Look, I don’t like talking to the two of you either.

Ben: Yet you continue to call! And listen! And show up at events!

Pete: Ben if you don’t drop a little bass out of your voice I will roundhouse you right in the gullet the next time I see you. You hear me? I will skullf-(beep) your mom.

Ben: So now you’re threatening me? Do you hear this Sammy?

Sammy: (annoyed) Just hang up.

Pete: (stammering) Whoa, wait, wait, alright? You know, I’m sorry. I’m a little emotional right now… I would never intentionally try to scuff up my lugs on your face, Ben. I apologize.

Sammy: I don’t think that-

Ben: What’s the matter? Got a vampire not appreciating the hedge art you’ve been clipping into the bushes?

Pete: Well it’s kind of about him- did you say vampire?

Ben: (triumphantly) Knew it! Man, just fess up and tell everyone that your boss is a vamp!

Pete: Ben Arnold, I just bought domain to your name. And you know what? I’m going to fill up all the pages with babies and donkeys. What’s the world going to think of you? Some weirdo guy, making an internet site about babies and donkeys? Yeah, that’s right-

Ben: (all riled up) Oh yeah? Ooooooh, Pete! Why don’t you come down here, look me in the eyes, when you’re saying this huh? Huh?!

Sammy: Guys.

Ben: Meanie!

Sammy: Guys! That’s enough. Pete, state your problem or move along.

Pete: Alright, fine. I messed up big time. Worse than the time I dressed up as Edward Scissorhands for Halloween and ruined Mr. B’s hedges. Apparently I pushed a button or didn’t-really-push-a-button on a fancy thing… that’s beside the point. What I really want to know is- did you guys hear something funny on your station a week or two back?

Ben: Um, um, I’m hearing something stupid right now but I don’t know if that’s-

Pete: Come on, Ben! Be serious. I take you seriously- I almost respect you! Now, I heard a little something like maybe you guys got hijacked or something like that and I just wanted to know… you know, what’s up.

Ben: This again?

Sammy: Wait, Ben, we’ve heard this a few times actually. The shotgun guy said it, we’ve had a number of tweets about it. We don’t know anything about this but apparently another feed cut into ours about a month or so ago.

Pete: Oh sh-(beep).

Ben: Watch your language, Pete.

Pete: Watch your… face, Ben.

Ben: Wait, what the hell are you and Beauregard up to?

Pete: None of your damn business.

Beauregard: (from the background of Pete’s call) Yard boy, what are you doing in this chamber without supervision?

Pete: Uhhhhhhh what? Uh, Mr. B, uh nothing!

Beauregard: Don’t act like an ignoramus around the transmorgrifier.

[There are metallic clanks and scrapes in the background and the sound of metal pipes moving around. A whirring humming sound begins like a machine turning on which grows steadily louder]

Sammy: What the hell is going on over there? Pete?

Pete: You made me mess up again you butt smackers.

Beauregard: Don’t just stand there all slack-jawed and drooling. Turn it off this instant. Celestia!

[The whirring cuts off and there is the sound of a call ending]

Ben: What the hell?

Sammy: Well, folks, this is a first for me that I believe an on air failed attempted felony will lead us right into break.

[Cheerful music starts as a commercial begins]

Ernie: Hey there! Ernie Salsado’s leather bound books ain’t your normal bookshop. Maybe you’re asking yourself: Ernie, whatever do you mean? What I mean is that Ernie Salsado’s leather bound books is more than just a hipster reading book nook. We don’t carry none of those cheap-ass paperback books or harlequin novels here, plus you sure as hell ain’t gonna find nothing to read on your I-pad kindle whositswhatsits. For what I understand it’s only first edition leather bound books and (???) up in this joint. Maybe you’re thinking you need to gussy up your place to impress some broad or you have a real need to make people think you got a bigger vocabulary than some Johnny come lately. Either way, Ernie’s got you covered. That’s a book joke! Ernie Salsado’s leather bound books- we got fancy books! F-(beep) you, pay me.

[King Falls AM rock music plays then fades out as the commercial break ends]

Sammy: Ernie Salsado’s leather bound books? There’s two of these stores here? I’ve never even heard of one of them until Rich McGuff! I don’t know what’s more surprising, Ernie’s entrepreneurial rise in the community or him almost making me forget what happened before the break…

Ben: I’m literally afraid to comment one way or another on this.

Sammy: (amused) He is an intimidating specimen.

Ben: (carefully and slowly) If he… likes to hear that, then, yes, you are right. If not, please don’t slander that gigantic human!

Sammy: Ha, no slander intended. We’re taking calls and counting down the seconds before we get a riveting interview with the man who some call the Dan Brown of bird related mysteries.

Ben: Wow, they say that?

Sammy: No, they don’t! (laughs) The phone lines are still lit up, let’s take some calls.

Ben: Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Greg Frickard: (smugly) Well look who decided to pick up the phone.

Ben: (quickly) Um, let’s take another-

Greg: Hey, Sammy! I’ve got a topic of discussion. Let’s talk about how that co-host of yours is just gonna sit there all quiet and not even mention the fiasco he caused earlier this week at Granny Frickards!

Sammy: Greg? Is everything okay?

Greg: Oh, it’s not okay, Sammy. That- pardon my French- moron, that he would even-

[the sound of a call ending]

Ben: Whoops!

Sammy: Ha!

Ben: Line five you are on with Sammy and Ben!

Sammy: Wow, it looks like you learned a thing or two from Chet, I see.

Ben: Don’t know what you’re talking about!

Caller: Hello?

Sammy: So what happened at Frickard’s?

Caller: Are you talking to me?

Ben: Nothing happened to… let’s just-

Sammy: Not only are you my broadcast partner, I thought we were friends!

Ben: Hey! We are friends! I just didn’t think to tell you that I happened to have dinner at Frickard’s earlier in the week.

Caller: Hellooo?

Sammy: Uh huh. This wouldn’t happen to be the same night Emily was on a business meeting with Greg, would it?

Ben: I really don’t recall but it might have been… that’s a good question.

Sammy: You don’t recall going to your least favorite restaurant in town, which you never eat at, on the night of the King Falls Valentines Day Dance where your main squeeze-

Ben: Watch it.

Sammy: Where the girl you pine for-

Ben: Watch it!

Sammy: Where Emily Potter-

Ben: Thanks.

Sammy: Happened to be roped into a business meeting with Greg Frickard.

Ben: My mortal enemy.

Sammy: Paid sponsor of King Falls AM.

Ben: Whatever.

Sammy: You don’t recall if that’s the night you dined at Granny Frickard’s?

Ben: Ehhhh it’s not really ringing any bells!

Sammy: Maybe we should call Emily.

Ben: Don’t do that!

Sammy: Things coming back to you now?

Ben: Did- ugh… can I fill you in at break and not on the air?

Sammy: You’d better! You know, I’m a little sore that you didn’t tell me to begin with! And this was days ago!

Ben: I’m sorry, man, it’s just it’s not the best story. Believe me.

Caller: Hello? Can we talk now?

Sammy and Ben: No!

[The sound of a call ending]

Sammy: The turkey guy is not sounding so bad right now.

Ben: Ha, why don’t we try… lucky line one, you’re on King Falls AM.

Greg: Hey Ben Arrrnold! Why don’t you tell the whole friggin town about you showing your butt and ruining my business meeting with Emily Potter!

Ben: Greg, I really don’t wanna get into this.

Greg: Ohh, you can’t talk in front of Sammy and the whole town- what’s the matter? Frog got your tongue?

Ben: That's not a saying.

Greg: You sure didn’t have a problem causing a ruckus at the restaurant! In front of Granny no less!

Ben: Can we take another call, Sammy?

Sammy: Is this true, Ben?

Greg: You can’t deny it, Ben Arnold! I’ve got it on camera from multiple angles! You are a heathen.

Ben: Why do you have me making a scene on camera?

Sammy: Multiple angles?

Greg: I’d like to say it’s just the security cameras… but, if you must know, I hid a few cameras around the Froggery for my big night.

Sammy: You call a business meeting your big night?

Greg: With Emily Potter I absolutely do! She is the most beautiful creature in King Falls!

Ben: So you admit that it was a date?

Greg: It was a business meeting with a gorgeous woman! Take it as you will!

Ben: You’re so creepy! God!

Greg: Oh, so it’s creepy. Wanting your gramma and your future children to see the moment their future mother and I fell in love? Recorded for prosperity forever. Probably. Classily edited to voice a man and everything.

Ben: Yeah! It’s creepy!

Greg: (singing) I’ll make love to you! Like you want me to, oh baby hold me tight I will love you all through the night…

Sammy: That is really creepy, Greg.

Greg: You’re just a heathen. You don’t know what love is. What do you know? Tell them what you did, Ben!

Ben: I’m not getting into this on the air, Greg. Let’s just-

Greg: I am a paying sponsor of this show, Ben Arnold! Fess up, right now!

Ben: What are you gonna do, Greg?

Greg: So help me I’m gonna ask Granny- real nice- to pull your sponsorship money!

Sammy: Greg... are you crying?

Greg: (in a high pitched voice) No...

Ben: Hmm, so you’re threatening the show over a personal issue?

Sammy: Greg, we appreciate what you and Granny do for the show and the station-

Greg: I’m glad to see one of you does.

Sammy: But I’m not about to let you threaten taking money away from the station to pressure Ben into talking about something he doesn’t want to. Do what you got to do.

Greg: Ha! Don’t think that I won’t wake up Granny right now!

Ben: You want to talk about this on air, Frickard?

Greg: Tell the people what you did. Just tell them!

Ben: Ugh, okay. So, I made a reservation for myself at the King Falls best f-(beep)-ing Froggery the same night as your video taped date with Emily.

Greg: Keep going.

Ben: Jack-In-The-Box-Jesus, this is ridiculous. Sammy, I made a reservation and I made a scene! The end.

Greg: Details, heathen!

Sammy: Details would be nice here, Ben.

Ben: So, uh, (clears throat) I got there right as Emily was sitting down.

Greg: At a table right next to ours! He requested it!

Ben: That is also true.

Sammy: Ah.

Ben: And that’s that! I watched Greg lose his mind. Nature took its course.

Greg: He ordered every single flambé frog special on the menu.

Ben: Yeah? So?

Greg: Everybody who’s anybody knows that that’s the most romantic frog dish in the world! And you cleaned us out!

Ben: So what? You don’t need romance on a business meeting!

Greg: You ordered twenty of those things just for you!

Ben: And I paid for twenty! What’s your point?

Greg: My point? You didn’t even eat them! You brought in Chipotle!

Ben: Yeah, man! Cause frogs are gross!

Greg: You… you’re gross!

Ben: Oh yeah?

Greg: Yeah. You’re gross! A gross heathen and I… I hate you! I hate you! Ha! I said it. I hate you.

Sammy: Guys…

Ben: I’ll do you one better- I never liked you to begin with. You creep me out.

Sammy: Ben…

Greg: Well, heh, that’s not what your mom says.

Ben: Don’t you bring my mom into this.

Greg: Your mother things I am a fine, upstanding, entrepreneur, and model citizen!

Ben: She’s an idiot then! Sorry mom.

Greg: Heathen!

Sammy: Guys! (Clears throat) Okay so you disturbed Greg’s meeting with Emily. You ordered food you didn’t eat. I-is that it?

Ben: Basically! He lost it because I was probably in the shot of his candid camera date!

Greg: I lost my temper, but you had it coming! You get Emily whenever you want and I schedule months in advance!

Ben: Yeah, and you did it during the Valentine's Day Dance. Just real messed up, man. You’re a stalker.

Greg: Who showed up at whose date, Ben?

Ben: I was just having dinner at my favorite sponsor’s restaurant.

Greg: You don’t even like frogs!

Ben: Nobody does!

Greg: Why don’t you tell them how you got escorted off the premises?

Ben: You just did, idiot!

Sammy: If you were just eating, or not eating as the case may be, how did they have the grounds to toss you out of Granny Frickard’s?

Ben: Ugh. I- I may have started throwing tiny hush puppies in Greg’s general direction.

Greg: You, you, you may have? Pah-lease! You were pretending to be Nolan Ryan while you’re lobbing them at my head.

Ben: You had no right to kiss Emily’s hand!

Greg: Well you wouldn’t have even known if you weren’t, you know, stalking us to begin with!

Ben: Yeah? Well, uh, stay away from Emily!

Greg: Well I won’t have a problem doing that since she hates us both.

Sammy: I’m sorry, what’s that, Greg?

Ben: Can we move on… please.

Greg: Emily left in a huff and said she wasn’t a prize to be won. Totally thought she was roleplaying and I called her princess Jasmine… Which she also didn’t appreciate…

Ben: Nice touch, dumbass. Referencing Aladdin don’t make it right.

Greg: It’s kind of ludicrous when you think about it. I mean, she is a prize to be one. She’s the trophiest of trophy wives to ever be trophy won!

Ben: She’s pretty mad, Sammy.

Sammy: It sounds like she kinda should be…

Ben: She probably hates me now, man. Stupid stunt…

Sammy: I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, Ben.

Greg: Oh yeah, she hates him big time. I mean, she hates us both, but it’s basically a win for me. She was only lukewarm to my intentions but she can’t stand Ben now. She’ll eventually come back around to the Frog Prince if, uh, he’s out of the picture.

Ben: Greg.

Greg: I’ll take your apology on air, Ben. But I would also like it written on a nice piece of cardstock so I can show it to Granny.

Ben: I sincerely hope that you catch a frog-based STD and die.

Greg: And I hope that you find another perfect woman to fall head over heels in love with, Ben, because you just struck out. You stuck out big time.

Ben: You’re an imbecile! Nobody likes eating frogs! It’s 2016, Greg! You’re gross!

Greg: Ha! Shows what you know. Some cultures consider frogs the poultry of the pond.

Ben: Literally no cultures say that!

Greg: Oh yeah? Well ask Kirk Sycamore when he comes on, he’ll show you.

Ben: I’m not asking anybody anything.

Sammy: Greg, I think it’s best if we part ways for the night.

Greg: Fine! No skin off my bubble butt! Later haters!

[The sound of a phone hanging up]

Sammy: I think-

Ben: Can we just go to commercial, Sammy? I just- I can’t right now.

Sammy: D-do you want to? Is that on schedule?

Ben: No! And, no… Ugh, just take a couple more calls before the bird man pops in.

Sammy: Lucky line one you’re live on-

Caller: Hi, Sammy. Hi, Ben…

Sammy: Good evening, Emily. I assume you’ve been listening.

Emily. I’ve been listening.

Sammy: You know what, let me put you on hold so you can talk to Ben off the air.

Emily: No! I’d like to talk to Ben on the air, if you don’t mind, Sammy.

Sammy: You know, I uh… Ben?

Ben: Uh, whatever you want, Emily.

Emily: Okay, you know I don’t hate you, Ben. Far, far from it.

Ben: I’m so sorry Emily. I just, I lost it sitting there, thinking that you were all alone with that creep and-

Emily: You acted like a real ass.

Ben: I know I did!

Emily: I’m not a child, Ben. When I told you that I would love to go to the dance with you, that was the truth. But when I also told you that I was a woman of my word and was going to honor my prior engagements, as stupid and contrived as they were, I meant that too.

Ben: I just-

Emily: You acted like an ass!

Ben: I know, but-

Emily: There’s no explanation that will make this better, Ben! You acted like a jealous boyfriend and I’m not sure if you know this, but you aren’t my boyfriend.

Ben: Can I just say-

Emily: Even if I wanted you to be before, you aren’t. So you have no right to act like this!

Ben: (Pausing) You wanted me to be your boyfriend?

Emily: Before the incident there was no doubt about it.

Ben: After?

Emily: I- I- uh- I can’t let my feelings override the fact that you treated me like a kid, Ben. I am a grown woman! I am a professional woman. I don’t need some white knight to save me from the likes of Greg! And while I appreciate the idea behind it, like I said to you and I said to Greg, I am a person! I have feelings! I’m not a prize to be won!

Ben: I really messed this up, I’m… I’m sorry. Emily if you’ll just-

Emily: I just- I need some time to evaluate what the next step is.

Ben: Because you hate me.

Emily: No! Bec- because I lo- I strongly strongly like, probably definitely on the verge of more. I mean, I was scared to death that you were hurt or worse during Lincoln’s revenge! But I was scared even more when I saw you acting like a high school bully during that meeting.

Ben: You strongly strongly like me?

Emily: I do. But it’s, it’s gonna be a little bit before I can trust you to be okay with that.

Ben: I understand.

Emily: But I… I wasn’t going to let another minute go by of you think that I hated you. Cause I don’t. But you really need to fix this.

Ben: And I will. I- I promise.

Emily: I hope so. (pause) Ah, goodnight, Sammy. Ben.

Sammy: Goodnight, Emily. We will talk soon.

Emily: I’m sure of it. Ah, I actually wanted to talk to you about being one of the library’s spring break speakers soon. I’ll send you an email.

Sammy: Oh, please do. Anything to get the kids back in the library after, you know, Lincoln’s revenge…

Emily: Thanks, Sammy. Goodnight, guys.

Ben: Hey- hey, Emily?

[The sound of a phone hanging up with a beeping that slowly fades out. The King Falls outro music and credits begin.]

References:

Nolan Ryan: a baseball pitcher.

The Big Bang Theory: A television show.

Edward Scissorhands: a charactor from an old fantasy movie by the same name about a man who had scissors for hands.

Harlequin novels: a trashy romance story.

Characters:

Sammy Stevens, Ben Arnold, Troy, Greg Frickard, Emily Potter, Pete Meyers, Beauregard, Ernie Salsado.

#king falls am #king falls am podcast #podcast #podcast transcript #transcript #king falls am transcript #king falls transcript #king falls podcast

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