kinosage86-blog

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Is this worth getting angry over

So yesterday evening my landlord lost it on me for something I did not do. She moved my bike to an unsafe area without consulting me. She and three other people verbally harassed me and so I said I am calling the cops. So this cop showed up, and told me she had a right. He told me to go to tribunal. Well I'm awake with lingering thoughts and the one thing I'm thinking of is "was this situation worth getting pissed over, and confrontational?" I say no. Maybe possibly in her own head it's a big resounding yes. But to me I couldn't see getting that worked up and angry over a bike and verbally abusing someone for something I did. I mean there have been instinces where I did blow up but that is because I got myself worked up. I'm trying to always learn from others mistakes and my own. I see she may have had a very rough childhood but that doesn't excuse her behavior. So next time this happens I'm going to post the same question I did to my father "answer yourself this, is this situation worth yelling and screaming at me and having everyone gang up on me? If the answer is yes then I suggest you reassess your priorities. If the answers no, congratulations you are not a complete and utter psychopath that thinks tenants have no feelings and that we are programmed to melt down. " *slowly claps while working around like rocko in bl2" thank you I'm here all night

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True friends

So I have a church group I'm part of and need a ride in from my town I'm in because our bus system is very deplorable which may be another post I might make. Anyway not to get off topic but my friend proceeded to tell me after I commented man I'm glad I'm self employed to say well you NEED tomgrt a job.i thought okay I'll let this one slide. I do have enough course to stand up to people I just try and analyze what situation is worth speaking up and when others just need silence. She then went on and on about how I should work at a job I don't like and how it's good for me. She then said I don't have any supports. Do wait this church group doesn't support me, my counsellors, friends. From all over don't support me? It's just all my imagination? Well I was like okay I'll let this all slide because I know she'd just say to me she knows what's best for me and say something that would probably really get me beyond angry. I was almost going to tell her not to come get me for the service this sun and that I was never going back there because she's getting to be too toxic and I don't want to be in the same car as her. It's very draining being in the same area. Every time m near her just her me snd her husband she seems to want to control every little thing and every person in the car. Then today after we were done group service whatever it is she dropped me off three whole blocks from my place. THREE BLOCKS. You have a car I got an inner ear issue. A bit of is venting because this person is supposed to help and support me in what I do not teidt snd turn everything to her will. I have a bad feeling about her that things in these next few months will be going south so I think I'll just keep it generally chat. Hey how was the weather, you guys do anything fun. And when they ask me I'll just have one worded answers. I don't know how else to approach the situation. Maybe I'll just take the good with the bad, and the bad with the good. I'm trying to be a lot easier going an not hold onto anger as much. 

I wanted to just tell her hey I moved four times last year FOUR so excuse me if I want to take a year or so to take my time to heal mentally and physically. It's important to listen to your body. I made a promise to someone I met at airport place coming home that I would listen to my body. If that means laying down in bed for a week then so be it. If it means going out alone for a few hours then I'll do that. I'm just relearning to take care of myself and my body. If I push it any further I'm afraid of my mind breaking and I'd never be able to come back from it. So I'm taking !y time, how I see it fit. And if that doesn't fit your ideal image of me and what I should and shouldn't do then please I cannot have you in my life. I don't know if it sounds cruel but I can't fit sny more into people's ideal image of me. 

But it's hard when it's all you've known most of your life. That may be another entry. Anyway I hope this may find a few people or just one and that they know there not alone in their suffering of confusion and feeling betrayed by someone and not knowing what to do. 

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Leaving bits of my old af behind

It's so hard to leave my past behind me. Last year was the toughest and a trial. I've had my heart shattered so many times by so many people and it hurt to leave them behind. I had to cut out so much toxicity in my life that I didn't know I had. Its like I had blinders on in my mind that there was this force that was holding me back. It was like so many emotional gale force winds blowing at me. Like it was making me into something I didn't want to become. I question my own sanity sometimes and I sit every day wondering how different my life would be if I took a certain path and regret it. I got a steady hold on most of my thoughts when they come but there replaced with anxiety. Anxiety of my subconscious becoming conscious again of repeating the same mistakes over and over. But each and every day I wake up and I just do the best I can even if it tires me immensely. 

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Anger

My anger is just building and building. Once again I am without the internet so much for Netflix and working together towards a better 2019. I'm wanting to just punch my slumlords lights out. But what good will that do me? I'll end up in jail and kicked out with no place to go. Getting angry also won't do me any good but it's so fucking hard not to be angry. I just got to make the best out of this situation.

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Why are we critical to each other

Why are people so critical towards others? If we do one wrong thing it's as if we're crucified. Just last week before this new year this girl just said outloud to not just stand there. That got me angry, but it also got me thinking. People always blurt out to strangers everything that's on their minds. They think somehow it's socially acceptable to just go ahead and say don't do this, don't do that because somehow there becoming judging machines. We become so critical cause we're always living inside of our own heads. Were never easy in anyone because deep down everyone hates themselves and are never happy with how their life is going. They want to feel there in control of something. So they consciously take advantage of a situation and don't care about the consequences of their decisions of opening their mouths up. So at the end of the day the hurtful words these people say stick with us in our hearts. We become critical of ourselves. We take it personally. It can start a vicious cycle inside of our heads if we allow it. Were in charge of our own happiness and circulating thoughts and our own anxieties and demons. We're always faced with obstacles that come in our path we can either rise above it or let it consume us.

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A omen I hope will come to fruition

These last two years has not been easy. It has thrown a lot of us into fits major depression, anxiety PTSD, and suicidal ideation and for some of us the ideation got to be too much. Suicide is not an easy topic to talk about but either it on the ride we can't stay silent. If we do lots more will just be a number. I was almost going to be amongst those numbers. So many times I just wanted to take the easy way out. I wanted to just not feel any more pain and not be victimized not be made to be someone I know deep down I'm not. 

So many people made me out to be the victimizer the one who instigates everything. The one who stirs the pot. But in reality it's the other way around because they themselves aren't ready to leave their comfort zones. So instead they take all of their insecurities out on others because that's all they know. It's their way of defending themselves. I should know I used to blame everyone else but myself for my own problems. 

So anyway all this has happened ten fold to me and probably to a lot of other people too especially with lots of other issues like affordable housing, Bette bus systems in the Niagara region, better mental health services, and wait times at the hospital and our most basic human rights back. 

New years day I tried closing my window and it was so windy it was hard to close the window. I had this men which brings me full circle to my title that his shit this year that this corruption is going to come to an end. Someone is going to stand up and say enough is enough and most of our government like America and Canada I hope will be rebuilt. We will go forward and make a difference and movements again and recreate harmony because we badly need it? 

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My deepest thoughts revealed finally

Warning this is going to be very very dark. 

I wonder some nights what would this world be like without me in it? Would everyone be happy? I wonder if everyone I'm friends with now will backstab me and there there just because they feel sorry for me. I sometimes feel alone. And in those moments I try and imagine their faces drenched in tears if I ended my life. Luna would probably be beyond lost without me physically there too. My heart has shattered into a million pieces a lot of times and has been through too much. My subconscious becomes conscious and thinks your worthless, your never going to amount to anything. You haven't made any difference. Some nights it's just easier to give into your sorrow, your pain, cause it's all I know. All I know is how to feel sorry for myself and hate myself, and let every situation just get the best of me. I want to break this cycle and this will be the new me that will never look back. Be rid of these thoughts and be a new me.

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This depression

This depression waves over me and consumes my all. It overwhelms me, it makes me fearful all over again. It makes self hatred a norm all over again too. It's like I'm always trapped in my own thoughts, and that it's never going to go away. And as negative as it may sound, depression won't go away. It's a reminder of our past and how it always will dwell in our minds. But it makes us want to move forward and show our tormentors even if there not in our life that were strong, that it has shaped us into better people. So we seek out communities and people who feel the same and that, that truly makes a difference. Without them wed lose our way.

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In constant fear

We are living in constant fear. Fear of our past, our government and how twisted it has gotten, landlords and many situations we get placed in. I'm going to get personal here big time. 2018 has been and will remain the most craptacular year I have ever had. I've been pushed way past my limits and learned and relearned. I kept saying how I wouldn't change it for anything but I would with quite a few huge ass mistakes I made. I screwed up royally in a lot of ways and am still beating myself up over it.

I keep telling myself stop doing that you'll see through it. But being with an emotionally abusive father in closed quarters for wix kinths when he wouldn't stop emotionally berating me I think it's taken a toll on me. Everything I have and an still going through is still affecting me to this day. I really would love to turn back time and not make the mistakes I made and not be back at square one again. 

So through all of that though I want to go forward into 2019 and onward into a better future and thrive with all my communities and grow and be part of something greater. I won't blurt out all my goals but my main huge one is just doing the absolute best I can and advocate for myself and for others once I get settled in my own place and know things take time. If I rush things I'll only create more anxiety for myself. 

So self care will be the reason for the season and every season. It won't be an easy road but nothing is. I just need to rediscover my way and the path I'm meant to go down?

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Anxiety anxiety, and anxiety

It just comes a knocking on the door of your mind and it just stays there like an unwelcome guest that comes barging in. It’s almost like a sales person. Hey I’m here to sell you some crippling anxiety. It’ll just cost you your confidence, belief in self and being able to do anything. That’ll come to losing hope of ever living a normal life. How’d you like to pay?  Oh you can’t? Okay I’ll just stick around and hover in your mind, heart, and general well being. 

Using humor like that is so important so you no longer feel that crippled agonized, and overburdened with so much. Self care too is a key factor in your healing process.

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Other people’s actions

Why do we let others actions affect us so much? At the end of the day they have to be the ones who have to live with themselves and the consequences to their actions. People bring up things from the past over and over and keep saying hey you know your like this way right? It must be validated because I’m saying it and saying it over and over it has to be true. Your ignorant z violent and I did nothing to entice this attack on me. I just feel like what your doing to me is so immoral so I’m going to just go right ahead and have this conversation with how I want you to act and how you should behave, and obey my every single word. You don’t deserve any happiness at all because your treating me so poorly. That is the way a lot of people I find think and sometimes you got to pick which battles are worth fighting for and which ones you need to walk away from and never look back. I have learned a lot about myself through these situations and have learned that I should no longer let people’s actions define my own. I’m the one whose in control, I’m the one to either speak or stay silent, or a mixture of both. Being able to Gage other people is so important and being able to know dangerous situations when they arise is important too. Creating a safe space within yourself is key and finding other communities to make you feel safe is just as important too. Find the right people who bring out the best in you is crucial to recovery, having people drag you down and drain you won’t serve any purpose to your mental well being except constant questioning it and your own sanity will slowly be drained. They will teach you hard lessons about yourself and exactly what you don’t want in life and more drama on top of yours that they want you to take on. Those people while they come from a hurt place will only drag you on and keep you from progressing from what makes you happiest because they live off your misery, your self loathing and your perception of others too. They will tear away at your most inner self and tear you emotionally and mentally piece by piece. They won’t stop at just you they’ll keep going and going until there’s nothing left but a pile of emotionless nothingness. But but after all of that the real fun begins. We rediscover what we hate about others and stand against and start to build ourselves up and we become stronger we become survivors. And through surviving is where telling our stories is key. Breaking the silence is key to healing if we stay silent the hurt only gets worse and we can then into our victimizers.

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Always falling into the same trap over and over

You begin after many a time that hey this seems familiar. You get lured into this false sense of security, then BAM it hits you like a ton of debris thrown at your face blinding you from the truth. Just like the phantom of the Opera who hides behind his mask and becomes it people well family will become the masks they wear. We all put on different masks around different people and act different ways around each individual friend. It’s when we actually become that mask when we get into bad habits and bring others into it. That is at least how I view things right now where I am. You have to try hard to not let others actions define your own. Learn to love yourself first then say love you to others because then it’s empty and meaningless. They make you think they have changed for the better that they have been working so hard at it. But eventually the time will come when they shed those masks off and show their true faces and most of the time they show an ugly hurtful side that will always remain. The thing is that we can’t predict how others will act but over time you will see the same patterns and can hopefully break your own. It’ll get a lot easier to read people, and situations you get put in you’ll be a bit more emotionally adept at adapting to different environments. Loving kindness to ourselves is key and self care. It’s hard af to think you deserve something but if you keep saying hey I did this small thing today I deserve w nice bath. Not like oh all I did was this one thing I don’t deserve this bath tonight I’m punishing myself. Because heaven knows we’re our own worst critic. That’s just all my thoughts out there. Sage out.

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Same for my class too

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