kiwifresh

[kiwifresh]

habits pt. 2

"One day you're going to want her back - that girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be for you. The girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way to. The girl who saw your flaws, but valued them as much as your strengths. The girl who still can't hate you because she loves you so much. You probably deserve it - the girl who should have you, but doesn't." 

Once in a blue moon, someone will come into your life and completely change you. Once in a blue moon, you will feel safe to let this person into your mind, your heart, and your mind - and during that process, you will forget about the possibility that this same person will maybe, just maybe, end up breaking your heart, and leaving you all alone hurting. You will tell yourself, "but, he's different". Your mind will make you believe that they are so, so special, that they are incapable of making you feel hurt. But the reality is, nobody is ever permanent in this lifetime. People change. Life happens. And when the heartbreak comes, it will be one of the most painful things you will experience. And it will hurt like hell.

Maybe I haven't experienced what real love feels like, but for me, I rarely let someone into my life. If I do, you must be someone fucking special, because trust me, it doesn't happen often at all. You know that feeling when you look into somebody's eyes, and you look at them like they're everything you've been looking for your entire life? And all your current issues and worries just melt away because everything felt so right with that person. That their presence alone was the only thing that you needed because they made you feel like a better person, and that you wanted to be there for them 100% and be their person and make them better. That's how I looked at him. I'm not won over by the ones who spoil me silly by buying me things. I'm not won over by physicality. I'm won over by a person's personality and mindset, their goals and ambitions. I'm won over by what's in their heart. But maybe that's what makes me hurt so deeply as well. I wanted a forever with him because I saw so much good in him, but only to have my heart shattered in million pieces because he let me go because I wasn't good enough for him. I was just too blind to realize it sooner. Maybe... I was just looking at all the good, and I was so jaded by what was in front of me, I forgot to look back at where I went wrong. 

So I continue to ask myself and wonder, what happened? Why was I not good enough? Truth is, I probably wasn't. I won't let someone else take the blame, because if I couldn't make it work, that's on me. Nothing hurts me more than knowing that I tried my very, very best and gave him my all, my patience, my heart, but in the end it was for nothing because I simply wasn't good enough. Maybe I just forgot what it's like to have a lot on my plate, because I've always somehow managed to balance everything all at once. I don't take no for an answer, and you bet I will chase after what my heart wants. And nothing hurt more than realizing that he meant everything to me, but I meant nothing to him.  And that's when you have to ask yourself: "How do you know when it's over?"  - Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than the person standing in front of you. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that you stop loving the person. There's just a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough. Of course I cried. Of course I lost sleep. Of course I picked up the phone a million times. Do I miss him? Fuck yes. With all the pieces of my broken heart. Probably more than he will ever know. 

The bottom line is, life ain't easy. Love may not even be real. Relationships are messy. You could give or want to give your everything to the person you love, but if they are too blind to see that, reconsider your self worth. Me? I'd say fight tooth and nail if you truly believe in loving them. No harm in doing so because fighting for what you want is a sign of courage. It's not about winning or losing, it's the fact of the matter that at least you tried. But the question is, when do you decide to stop? That is the question I have to ask myself. It's not in my personality to give up, and I act on a "take it as it goes" attitude. But remember, if a person truly loves you, they will never let you go - ever. And the hardest thing that I'll have to do, is walk always still loving you. Loving him wasn't a mistake, but thinking that he loved me was. 

This is to the guy who I fell in love with. The guy who exceeded my expectations and made me feel like I could never be hurt. The guy with an amazing mind and infinite potential that could understand me for who I am. The guy who made me a feel like a better person every morning that I woke up. The guy I spent hours and hours until the sun rose and I would never get tired of him. The guy who could make me smile even if I was crying because my heart had been broken. The guy who broke my heart because I simply wasn't good enough. The guy who in the end, gave up on me and let me go. This is to the guy that I wanted to love forever.

You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy people you love. 

[kiwifresh]

He grew flowers in the darkest parts of me, they died when he left.

Sometimes I wish I would have died too.

[kiwifresh]

Back To December

[kiwifresh]

Some feelings are like old familiar friends. Depression is like that for me. When I’m not in it, I don’t remember it. I remember it’s bad. I remember the darkness, but it’s different to feel it again. It’s the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door. Being inside it again. Feeling it when the episode starts. It can be slow at the start. An intrusive thought “I don’t wanna be here” but then it’s gone. You bat it way like a fly or a bad smell. When it hits you fully though, when you’re really in it, it’s everything. It’s who you are, you’re nothing else. On the outside, you look the same, smiling and pretending, it’s so much work. But inside it’s a different story. You start to hate yourself. You’re so alone, so unbelievably alone. And you can be with someone you love, but you’re not really with them. We think we know what’s going on with other people, but we don’t. You never really know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. Everyone is fighting a battle you can’t see. We all have blindspots. And you know it’s you. It’s something wrong with you and it’s also exhausting. So goddamn shitty and exhausting, and, it’s helpless . It’s a void. And existing takes so much energy. You wanna sink into a hole of nothing where no one talks to you, and you don’t have to smile or talk or be. Anyway, it’s familiar. I’ve been here before gotten out of it before, but the getting out part becomes the room that you remember but aren’t it. and that’s what’s scary. Being back in the room, where depression lives is a sharp pain and an overwhelming numbness

-Marcus Baker (Ginny and Georgia) on depression

[kiwifresh]

This is really precious

[kiwifresh]

you made me so happy, if you didn’t know that, or don’t know that, i hope one day i’ll get the chance to tell you that. whether our paths cross again or not.

[kiwifresh]

ZAC AND HIS SKATEBOARDS IN DOWN TO EARTH Down to Earth with Zac Efron | Netflix | 2020

[kiwifresh]

CHRIS PRATT as Owen Grady Jurassic World (2015) dir. Colin Trevorrow

[kiwifresh]

My ex’s best friend | VMAS 2020

[kiwifresh]

Machine Gun Kelly - Bloody Valentine Accoustic Support me: Ko-Fi in bio!

[kiwifresh]

[kiwifresh]

Euphoria (2019—) Created by Sam Levinson

[kiwifresh]

Give me a sign, take my hand, we’ll be fine

[kiwifresh]

[kiwifresh]

check, mate.

i’ve thought, and thought, and thought about what i’ve wanted to say - but i never seem to be able to find the words. goodbye, best friend. goodbye, lil sis. goodbye, my partner in crime. 

you know what hurts, almost as much as a heartbreak? when someone you cared SO much about in your life, and they are too selfish to see you in THEIR life. it’s when they do, in a sense, break your heart right back.

i lost someone important to me recently, and it’s all because of distance, instability, and immaturity. it does hurt me, but not more than it saddens me. for someone to go through as much shit as my (ex) best friend, and being there when everyone else wasn’t - and for me to actually to have been dragged through hell and back - it’s super fantastic when they want to blame you.

but who is it to blame? is it the person who’s living their life and building a future? is it the person who’s hustling 24/7 and chooses to live life carefree every day? perhaps the blame is to be put on neither for the way they live their lives, but the attitude they carry when they are living their lives. 

there is no such thing as looking at the positives of everything and letting the people around you feed your ego. google: “toxic positivity”. it’s real. life is about a balance of emotions, happy and sad. just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you're life is negative or bad things will happen to you. the more you accept how you’re feeling, the more you can make guided rational decision and not a false reality decision of what you think you deserve. 

i lost a friend to the mess of social media. the mess of the false reality of it. the mess of not being able to see for what is really in front of them, but an alternate universe where they want things to go their way.

at the end of the day, all i really have is myself.  i will take care of myself when the tears are falling down from my face. i will take care of myself when i remember the happy memories that bring a smile to my face. i will take care of myself because nobody else will be able to do it better than myself.  it’s not selfish. it’s being YOU. and when you are yourself, people love you for who you are. not for who you are trying to be. 

[kiwifresh]

you can fix the broken pieces, but it’ll never be the same

i’ve stopped and wondered to myself “how did things get to this point?”. in that moment in time, there’s no going back. there’s no “what ifs”. what’s done is done and it happened for a reason.

[kiwifresh]

let’s get lost tonight…