kohaiichi - Tumblr blog

kohaiichi · 2 years ago

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9/28/23

I'm sitting in the back of my CRST truck right now listening to the snores of my co driver, Tony, below. I'm currently in Clayton Indiana at a Travel Centers of America waiting until morning when we can get our truck repaired. I had to get off the phone with my girlfriend (Ava) because she unfollowed me from TikTok. It makes me both sad and jealous to see the people she still follows. She said she stopped following me because I never look at what she sends me and she didn't want the temptation of sending me posts that I just wasn't going to look at. It makes me feel like a failure as a boyfriend. It's things like this that make me wish I could be different or that I had a little more control over my mind. It sucks because I don't realize that I'm currently messing up until I'm told I'm messing up. That clarity and drive to fix things just gets overshadowed by the fact that it's too late. Still... I did genuinely like to look at her posts and vice versa. Gonna have to work on that.

I'm about to play on my Steam Deck. Sadly, just bought Witcher 4 but I'm not feeling it as of yet. I'm sure it gets better the more you play, but... I really wanna buy Spider Man. It's just expensive and I'm not making a lot of money at the moment. Besides, I wanna save for a picnic for me and the girlfriend. I wanna see her do herself up like she did at the country concert we went to, but for me, this time. I feel like she doesn't quite feel the way she did about me when we first met, and that makes me wanna go back to experience it again. I wonder if she feels the same way. I'm always afraid she's gonna break up with me. That I'm going to somehow push her away with something about myself. Some times I think having more friends would help me be more at peace with the idea of being alone or the idea of being broken up with. I'm not sure. I definitely need more friends, though, and not her friends. That'd be pretty pathetic. I'm already trying not to look like a loser but I'm genuinely worried that I don't have that many friends and that looks bad to her. To be honest, the friends that I brag to her about aren't even that close with me. I just don't want her thinking she's dating a no life. As much as I want to change that, it seems like becoming a trucker has made making friends that much more impossible.

Well, I'll post more later. I'm getting tired. Have a good night, blog that doesn't care.

Sincerely, Jamie

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