krahra

[krahra]

Answer to Common Question

So the most common of questions that I get when hearing about my story, especially with my husband and the fact that I love him but I'm not in love with him, is why am I still with him?

Sometimes it's not as simple as people may think. One there are kids involved. No. That's no reason to stay with someone just because you have kids with them, but there's also the financial aspect which I'm trying to fix but also deep-rooted fears that I have within that I need time to process and I doing that by going into therapy. 

[krahra]

Story Time: Introduction Part 1: My Husband

So not to overwhelm everyone with a bunch of information, I will be doing my back story in two parts. This is part one. 

For this, we will call me Krahra, technically it's a character name I use in a game I play but it is one that isn't well known by many people. (If by chance you know who it is please please keep quiet about who I am. This is more of a way for me to vent and track things). 

I'm in my 30s. I have been married for the last 13 years to who I thought was the love of my life. He came into our relationship with a boy who is now 18, but is with us for the rest of his life (I promise that will come out too). But together we have two children a boy and a girl (ages are not important). 

In the first 10 years of our marriage, every fight we would have would be him making cheating accusations at me. I have had to quit 3 different jobs because of his problems (whether it be because he won't talk to his work about adjusting his schedule so we can both work, or he didn't like who I was working with). The job he didn't like the people I was working with, I planned on transferring to another location but he didn't even give me a chance to transfer locations. 

Fast forward to the present day, while he doesn't make the accusations as often they still come up. Mind you, I have text proof of these accusations because I keep a file folder of screenshots from the text messages he has sent me. It tends to come if he's sleep-deprived. 

He has cheated emotionally and verbally over text and FB messaging, but nothing physical. I forgave him. This was around 2015. I have proof of this as well, as I never delete anything. He apologized and we made strides to improve our marriage. Accusations still stood. His excuse for the accusations "All my exes cheated on me including my baby mama, so you will just do the same". This is what led me to find out about what I consider cheating. 

The location we live at now is just down the road from where my kids go to school and is only a 20-minute walk to my school and also where I work. Since living here we got into a huge argument over the summer and he got physical with me. The only reason I struck back was in defense of myself. That was the night that while I love him for what he's given to me (my children, as I never thought I would have any), I'm no longer in love with him, but I think I stay with the hopes that it's going to come back. He doesn't realize this as I'm good at hiding my emotions from him and I have had to constantly do that because he can't be bothered if something is bothering me or I need to talk about something. No time is ever the right time. During the week when he has to work, he can't be bothered with things. On the weekend when he's off, he's too tired and needs to be able to sleep. Even when he was off work for an injury (not work related so no paid time off) I busted my ass with my hours (I'm limited to 20 hours a week) and extra things that I get paid through my work for, but it still wasn't good enough for him. He refused to get up with his son (my stepson) when he had to get on the bus at 6:20 in the morning even though I was the one getting up and working. I was still expected to clean the house when I got home, go get our youngest from school when I got home, and make sure everything was done for them, and that they were fed even when I had to work at night due to events going on, I still had to come home and make sure that the kids were fed or they wouldn't get fed at all. 

I'm hoping with this information you can understand why I'm starting this journal. It's more of a way to track things and to vent because I have no one to vent to. I'm not allowed to get my license. I'm not allowed to go out anywhere because he can't function without me around him constantly. It's to the point it starts to affect my job and the events I work for the extra money which by the way because he refuses to work the hours he needs to we have issues paying bills. Not sure what will happen with Christmas either. 

Anyways that's just the introduction about part of my life. Stay tuned for Part Two: The Stepson. In truth, he's the biggest problem out of the two, and I promise you will understand why I say that.