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2021 Review

I was almost dead certain I had posted these statistics a year ago, for 2021... alas, I'll post them now

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i AM THE BLUR OF DESTINATIONS BETWEEN TWO POINTS ON A MAP

answering the question: where am i?

the action of mindless monotony

complete contrasts, including the map of my mind (black and whites, sharp and soft)

constructed concept moving piece - using a right angle gear so that when the handle is turned, the train moves around the points

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i’m the high on a friday night

i’m the liquor of delight

when it’s not enough

and bottles multiply

this is not my cry - 

this is their cry

this is the bite,

not enough to be polite,

i am chased,

out of sight

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self made photobooth

i know what it's like to be watched from eerie shadows, to almost die in vain - scissors to my heart and my head inside a flame

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POCKET YOUR WORRY

Art exhibition - Greater Brighton Metropolitan College

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Saturday night, just poured maybe my fifth drink. Not unusual, except for the fact it might of been more in previous years. I don’t think that’s really such an issue, anymore.

Halsey’s on my spotify, again. It’s been like this for nearly two weeks. Their entire discography, actually. I seemed to find the correlation between the timeline of events in my life with her albums and when they were released. I know I related at the time, of each, but even so looking back I can visualise everything happening according to the tracks. The lyrics themselves have always spoken true to my own experiences at the present moment.

I found myself creating and fully picturing my life with the soundtrack, like a bad musical, partly performing and showing visuals of possible recreations. This started while I was at work with my headphones in as I edited the garments we had shot.

Then I went home, poured a drink, and reorganised the songs slightly according to my own exact timeline. I performed.

Mostly in my head.

Every single song.

Now each track throws me right back to what I imagine in my head, the personal events.

I fear that my ridiculous reality disappoints my dreams.

I long for my slumbers, and my state asleep. My dreams know me better than my lovers. I can only control so much awake, but it’s left to my brain to connect the dots in my own distant fantasies - I enjoy that more. I am obsessed with sleep.

Awake, I live my life in a constant slideshow or what has been, and what could be. I live through my past profusely. I recount every step in this exhausting journey. Every trauma locked away in my rusty cabinet.

I believe in that self to be somebody eventually.

I feel I am a star locked inside my own vision of a nightmare. Maybe I was in the past. I feel I should be, but not in this body.

But I live as though I am, in my mind.

Am I unhappy and less satisfied with my life because it ultimately is not what I picture every second I breathe in the world we consider real?

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"ninety eight percent uncertain"

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where has the day gone?

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ALBUM WRAP UP

JULY 2021

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my glitter jacket shed, and with collecting the pieces I created a mood

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serendipity 

[ ser-uhn-dip-i-tee ] noun

the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

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london shadows, shot on film ‘19

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09 07 21

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the salt is not so salty now

so you find yourself looking out at all the blue, and you say you never want to leave. except i never have to. 

now i know you won’t believe me, when i say it all happens for a reason - psycho analysing you on stones, poison to the bone, and i finally made a house a home.

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ALBUM WRAP UP

June 2021

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am i more ashamed, of the one ashamed? 

i post and delete, i ghost and i tweet - i’m not sure of me, they’re not sure of me - and all the inconsistency - am i she? define identity. i keep the peace, and take defeat - what’s left of me - i cannot seek.