kurimuji - Tumblr blog

[kurimuji]

▶NEW DATABASE ENTRY - Fall back into place.txt

Goodness, it's been slightly over a week since I've written a journal entry.

I think I've come to the realization that already the majority of this journal up until the last entry was about some place to write down and let out my negative-facing emotions: my frustrations, gripes, and blown up chatter in the skull. It's crazy and self-destructive. So why am I still continuing to keep this? I don't know. Maybe to remind myself that, like everyone else, I am human and everyone experiences this to different degrees in their life. I am not alone in the struggle against my thoughts and emotions.

In spite of all this, these overwhelming thoughts were gone and done away with for even the slightest bit of time, thanks to the days of my birthday weekend, and subsequently the Monday being my birthday. It was a time of great reprieve away from the depths of my own mind. I was surrounded by the subtle, yet tasteful, experience of good food and people who celebrated my existence in this world.

And I could not be more grateful. No other "what-ifs" or thoughts of self-doubt could convince me otherwise that where I am today is someplace that I would trade for any other possible scenario in time. Just living in the moment without worry of what is to come was liberating.

In my opinion currently, it's not that the good times end, but rather that the time of overwhelming happiness becomes the norm for a bit; like that search for dopamine to get back only to realize that you need to come back down from it or else you'd just end up disappointing yourself. I suppose some would see this as an addiction, but at the very least I have the self-awareness that I need to limit and mellow myself out.

Sometimes the fatigue that follows is good; other times it's not. Doing a 12-hour celebration stream during that weekend could certainly be considered one of the peaks of those happiness hits. While I felt like I was going to pass out by the 12 hour mark, I certainly was extremely grateful and happy for all those who came by to chat, say hello and celebrate with me, or just sat quietly in the background with their presence. It was genuinely a heartfelt realization that there are even more people outside those who I know on a personal level that do care; complete strangers behind the username, yet have that familiarity since I see them around so often.

The other side of the fatigue was most definitely the physical; even now I'm still feeling the ill-effects of being awake for 12 hours straight. Poor sleep habits have certainly got me up typing this while listening to some space-like music to let my mind wander and feel free and floating instead of trying to have my body rest while the mind runs. Damn those incidental naps on the couch.

There's a balance to everything. I'm now at a point again where I need to reevaluate myself: thoughts, feelings, responsibilities, decisions, priorities; all of these small things that in the grand scheme of things are small but together build up to things in the back of my mind that should be done sooner rather than later. All of this is disregarding my full-time job, in which case I can forget about it until the next day in.

There will inevitably be days when I start overthinking again, either to my own benefit or detriment. But I feel the need to reconcile things both with myself and with others, even if it is for the smallest and most insignificant things.

Is it selfish to do so? Perhaps. Almost like a nagging urge to want validation for my feelings and thoughts for something, hoping that somebody out there would understand what I am feeling or at least be able to share their own perspective on the matter. In times when somebody seems to want advice or has a question about something, I feel like i go overboard, not knowing if I truly understand the degree of power the words I type. Are they meaningful? Am I helping or hurting someone with sharing my experience and perspective? Is this even considered wisdom or just rabble? Maybe I just have an innate want to help someone out and have something to sympathize with or latch onto so that those I care about don't experience the same pains that I did. Some would say this is just people-pleasing; others would take it as advice; even more may, and I hope not, take it as truth.

Regardless of what people think, everything I write in response to questions regarding life whether it be the mental, emotional, theoretical, the everyday or the future is my honest thoughts, opinions, and experiences that once again I hope I can help someone out by providing words.

Gift or a curse, it is something that I present to you; take it as you please.

-❌🎀

[kurimuji]

▶NEW DATABASE ENTRY - Happy.txt

Although it was probably the longest Wednesday at work to date this year, it pales in comparison to the friendly and fun dialogue with chat today.

It's always a pleasure to see familiar names pop up in the chat, engaging in conversation with me. Knowing that I can provide entertainment both through gameplay and conversation is very heartwarming to me while also motivating me to continue streaming for them.

From food to the FGC to the wondrous bewilderment of the scales and theories of outer space, many varieties of topics were pondered on.

It's such a nice change to the positive vibes that were had in comparison to earlier this week, where I was almost drowning in overwhelming thoughts; basically gaslighting myself.

I hope to continue this streak of good tones, because what good am I to others being negative?

-❌🎀

[kurimuji]

▶NEW DATABASE ENTRY - SMS.txt

I sometimes overthink the capacity of my messages over text and SMS apps, especially if it's one-on-one messaging with another person.

Of course, nobody is obligated to respond back to me and I understand that everybody is living their own lives. The world does not revolve around me. We all have our own stresses, obligations, events, and hobbies to attend to in such a limited timeframe during the waking hours of the day.

But sometimes a part of me thinks I said something wrong or pushed too hard on something that is shying them away from me --- and it makes me feel bad that I did wrong by someone even in the slightest way.

I value the friendships I make and have probably because I have so few of them. Maybe that just speaks volumes of how much trust and faith I put in the selective few that are my friends. And I'd hate to lose that. But sometimes people move on without you, and I have to be the one to let go; for better or for worse. The world goes round, time doesn't stop, so why should I? -❌🎀

[kurimuji]

▶NEW DATABASE ENTRY - Liberated.txt

Missed the opportunity to journal last night at the end of the day due to stream, but what started as a neutral-negative stream about discussing my opinions on overthinking and mental health ended up turning into a positive one because we were able to give comfort and assurance to a new viewer that everything was going to be okay.

It's nice to know that I'm able to have that effect on people and the ability to put my thoughts into words; not just providing entertainment through streaming games like I usually do, but also knowing that my own personal experiences and formed opinions are able to resonate with viewers as well.

Of course, not everyone can share the same experiences since we're all unique; encountering and viewing situations with our own perspective. But it's nice knowing that someone finds solace and comfort in the fact that somebody out there just "gets it".

I hope to continue being that person that can inspire people to keep pushing forward in life. It has its ups and downs, molding us into the person we are today. Let not our past define who we are wholly as a person, nor our future give us grief about what is or isn't to come. Rather, we do what we can in the present moment and take it step by step, day by day. -❌🎀

-

VOD to that short stream here, hopefully it resonates with you too, should you come across it: Stream VOD Link

[kurimuji]

▶NEW DATABASE ENTRY - What_even.txt

On nights like these where I can look out the window of my home, down at the streets of downtown, I either sit in silence with the thoughts in my head or immerse myself in the same playlist that brings my head into space.

Alone, with my thoughts in the dead of night where everything flows freely, sometimes it's just best to just stand and stare blankly because nothing else matters in that short span of time.

I'm everything, everywhere, all at once in my subconscious.

[kurimuji]

▶NEW DATABASE ENTRY - Chatter_in_the_skull.txt

Hi everyone; for those of you who come across this, this page will be dedicated as my personal online journal that you are free to follow. Lots of these entries I don't deem should go on Twitter/X, but I hope to keep this as a track of daily thoughts and look back on them in the future to see where I am from this day forward.

This small side project of mine is promptly named OVERTHINKER, after the song by INZO, which has become one of my favorite songs to come back to.

Living alone, as much as a nice luxury it is to have peace and independence, can be quite lonely sometimes. As much as I want to talk about some of these things with others, I don't want to feel like a burden or garner pity. So what better way to solve that than spew it out into the void?

This is probably going to be one of the places where you can get to know me better in the most unfiltered, genuine form as possible. These are my true-to-heart thoughts as an overthinker. -❌🎀