kwonxsarang

[kwonxsarang]

Ikki Tatsumi 💕

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BE AN ALLY.

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- Ways that some of the fashion industry are using their platforms to fight against systematic racism.

- Highsnobiety has posted on their Instagram how Nike, Adidas and Reebok have used their social media platforms to urge consumers to take an active stance against racism

- Nike’s #UntilWeAllWin campaign

To donate/sign petitions - BLACKLIVESMATTERS.CARRD.CO

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[kwonxsarang]

This blog is created for the sole purpose of allowing me to pen down my thoughts especially when my nights are rough.

Today, I'm gonna start reposting on the current matter that's happening in the US. I'm not a citizen of that country but what's happening right now breaks my heart so much that I start tearing up just reading and watching videos or post about the citizens who are constantly being treated less than human.

I can never understand how that feels because even though racism exist here in my country, I've always managed to turn the conversation back to the person who made such insensitive remarks. Also, being mixed-race gave me that mentality that doesn't let me get affected by a comment that sparks anger of one race. I don't see myself as just one race, that's why none of that ever affected me.

Going back to the main topic on hand; the black lives matter movement is now something that I passionately believe in. I don't have any black person in my social circle or whatsoever, but what I strongly believe in is "everyone should be treated humanely". I believe that everyone should be treated with love and respect, and that's why, what's happening in the US stabs me right in my core.

What I've done today is used my platform to share about all these happenings and also on how we can help them, no matter where we are.

I've signed petitions, donated to one of the cause and I'm still retweeting whatever news that I see on my social media platform.

So as a step, I'm doing it here too.

If you're from anywhere but the US, head to this website and help as much as you can:

You don't have to be American to help them or sympathise with them. Just remember that at the end of the day, we're all humans and we should all be treated with love, respect and be treated equally as human beings.

In the mean time stay safe everyone, and here's hoping to better days~ ✊✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🖤

[kwonxsarang]

We've come a long way together, as artist and fans; yet, my support for all 5 of you have never wavered, not even once. Since the first scandal that one of you got into, till the latest one that is still ongoing - my letter to you is this:

I remember our promise

Even if I cry, even if I'm tired and hurt, don't worry because I won't leave you

You picked me up when no one could

You hug me tight with the melodies that you bring

Your trust in me, hold on to it

Approach me, Don't be afraid

The world will not snatch me away

My beautiful smile will not change

You've never hurt me, wound me or leave me

I am always leaning on you so now, come to me

I'll watch your back, I'll block the wind for you

Cry on my shoulder if you need to

I will hug all the darkness away

Now you know my heart, it will not change

I will never leave

Until whenever

[kwonxsarang]

“you seem to be the kind of person who knows how to take the bad things in life as elegantly as the good things”

My body has been giving me many red flags that suggests that I need to change my lifestyle or life choices. Been having chronic constipation, constant fatigues and sometimes even lack of appetite on most days. I have never gotten them before and I kept thinking that I am sick, but my recent visit to the doctor’s informed me of how bad I am with dealing with my life now.

Looking back, i have been living my life with little to no regard of my health and mental well-being. I take things as it is and constantly challenge myself to do more, do better, for the world.

But then again, why do so much for everyone else when you’re not doing anything for yourself, right?

I always thought that my stress-tolerance was high and always see myself as someone who knows how to healthily release those pent-up pressure. Guess I don’t know how to deal with it anymore, or I actually have reached my threshold.

I took an anxiety test online and it ranked me 41 over 100 which shows ‘Moderate Anxiety’. I also read that; 

“You seem like a well-adjusted and well-rounded person. You have little signs of generalized anxiety, and it seems like you don’t usually dwell in negative thought patterns. You have a clear notion that just worrying about problems is futile, and you prefer focusing on finding solutions. Your healthy attitude toward life is likely to provide you with some enjoyable perks, such as having a stable mood, an upbeat personality, and no trouble sleeping. You don’t usually feel irritable, and you can easily focus your mind when a new task requires your attention. Life is a highway, and you have certainly learned how to effectively use your inner cruise control.”

I think this is why everyone constantly asks me how am I dealing with so many things on my plate and still be able to keep going on strong. How am I okay with dealing with all of these at once. I think it’s a facade. I feel that my mind is allowing me to put on a show in front of everyone else, because the one thing I am not used to, is pouring out my deepest and innermost thoughts & feelings out to the world.

I pray that one day, I get to meet someone who listens and is able to understand my deepest and innermost thoughts & feelings, without having me to express everything out verbally. I pray that I am able to find my own safe haven in this mess of a society that we live in.

[kwonxsarang]

To have and to love

I had a party this afternoon to celebrate my 10th year of volunteering and also, somewhat of an advance birthday party. I ordered food, balloons; decorated the room just like how I want my real parties to look like, and I invited my favourite people throughout my 10 years of volunteering.

 I asked all of them for a small favour, of printing out a picture that they think best represents me and write a message at the back of the picture.

Most of the messages were of “thank you for staying in Gift for so long and being an integral part of Gift”, while some others are “thank you for shaping whom they are now”.

 I love presents, I truly do, but letters and heartfelt messages warm my heart a lot more than any other material goods.

 I love these beings so much and I wouldn’t trade the drama, fun, sweat and tears over anything.

 I finally realised today that the only reason I was able to give so much of myself to them, to Gift, to volunteering and even to people all around; it’s because God gave me the opportunity to have an abundance of love and spreading it around increases the love I have in me, hence I was able to keep giving more.

It might seem as though at times I’m losing this fight against the world, and even myself. However every time I spread this goodness to people, everything else just falls into place and I end up with a heart overflowing with such raw and sincere feelings for humankind.

This is why I believe that love can make the world a better place. With love, I was able to heal, teach and bring comfort to everyone around me. With love, I was able to keep being that very warmth that an injured soul seeks. With love, I was able to keep giving.

 My journey with Gift has not ended. I aspire to do more and if possible, I want to keep giving to the rest of the world; one person at a time.

 My birthday wish this time around is

“to always have love in me, so that I can keep giving it to the world”

 Happy Birthday, Aini.

[kwonxsarang]

At this age, I can say that I still remember the book that got me into this whole notion of ‘healing kids through care and love, and a listening ear’. 

I was sort of a nerd when I was 14 and I love spending time at the school library because it was new and it was always empty.

I’m not sure why I started looking at the non-fiction section, but one book hooked me right in from the title: The Little Prisoner by Jane Elliot

That book was nerve-wracking and it messed me up emotionally, but that book opened my eyes to real suffering. Personally, I was in a bad place at that age; with puberty not hitting me at all because I am a late bloomer, but my heart and mind couldn’t comprehend why people behaved in such manner and why people feel the need to conform just to fit in. 

I was asking a lot of whys but no one gave me a single answer. So I turned to poetry and writings. Doing that was comforting, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough until I picked up my first non-fiction book.

Jane Elliot wrote this book with emotions so raw that it scared me knowing how I feel relatable whenever she feels hopeless and lost. Our experiences differ greatly, but the negativity that it all built up to was similar.

Many people thought the reason why I kept doing Gift is that of Torey Hayden, but in all honesty, it was Jane. Jane’s story is the reason why I kept believing that the action of loving and caring for people knows no bounds and it heals in ways we can never see with our own two eyes.

I know that I will never forget this book, nor how much Jane has inspired me to keep fighting for what is right.

I also know that my 10 years of being in Gift is all thanks to Jane’s book.

Stories you read when you’re the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you’ll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.

Neil Gaiman, M Is for Magic

[kwonxsarang]

Happy Things

Here’s a list of what has been going on so far:

Prioritising school 

Motivated to be in class and actually understand what is being taught

Quitting Eunoia in Nov 2018

Making PAF’18 a success

Being a better senior in Gift (Still working on this tho)

Making time to enjoy the arts >> Watching plays, museum dates and art festivals

Being there for the kids emotionally 

Making an impact to individuals >> mostly Eunoians

Feeling content at my current state of life

Dreaming about some namja o.o

Getting my own laptop^^ 

I’m still not writing as much as I want to but I’m making small drafts here and there. When things are finally somewhat in place, maybe I'll make time to post more mumblings up.

[kwonxsarang]

Monthly "breakdown"

Every month, I go through a phase called a “breakdown”.

When this happens, my body stops listening to me. My heart hurts and all I do is lash out, or cry. My mind can’t comprehend what’s going on, and so I go on a whole notion of, “Are you okay? Are you crazy? You’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. You’re strong. So stay strong.” I go through that in Hangul because it’s the only language that calms me down whenever I’m not okay, or it makes me cry harder, but that’s better than not doing anything at all. (I teared up just typing this.)

Every month, before I get my period, this happens. This month, however, I’m literally losing it. I’m not doing good at all. I’m not motivated. I’m exhausted. I’m grumpy. I’m always making a fuss over things. And I keep crying.

I’m fine with the whole crying thing, but not if I cry as tho I lost something very dear to me.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe deep down I feel myself slipping away.

I tell myself every month, “You’re losing yourself”. I say that and I smiled to myself, knowing how much of a fact that is and how sad and pitiful I’ve become.

I keep zooming my way and I took no rest stops. In fact, I keep taking up more and more.

“How am I not losing my shit?”

Everyone asked me that question. How do you live Aini? How do you cope? How are you not stressed out? How do you make time?

I guess throughout it all, the only reason I was okay with doing everything, is because I stop making time for me. I once told someone that volunteering is ‘me-time’. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe that statement was utter bullshit. Maybe that’s why I’m losing it.

It feels like this whole “breakdown” keeps putting things in perspective for me after I quiet down with all the turmoil swirling in me.

But perspective is just a way of thinking. It doesn’t tackle the more important aspect, my heart and soul.

On that note, what do I really want for myself? What is the one thing that takes me away from all that life gives me and make me at peace with me and HIM?

Maybe I should take something away, just so I have time for that something else?

But what if, taking it away, solves nothing?

What if I end up making another wrong decision?

What if, everything that’s happening now, is a manifestation of all the consequences of my options?

I wanna be a wise person for myself, but why does it seem as tho all my life choices are unwise?

[kwonxsarang]

I love my boys

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How not to love

I’ve been delaying this post for many months now and sitting on the bowl finally got me the time I need to start drafting it down.

I don’t really know how to begin something that’s been going on for awhile but what I do know is how I feel about it right at this moment of time.

When news about my contract ending was being spread out to the kids, the only responses I get from anyone of them was to stay. Be it saying nicely, sadly or even making decisions for me, the answer was all the same “Just stay.”

Deep down, I know that I want to stay. However, the negative environment at work was swaying me away from my original decision. Till one day, where I had the chance to sit down on my own, in the comfort of the quiet printing room, did I realised how much I need to change things for me to go back to that same decision that I made months back.

Sitting down, googling on positive environment and taking the initiative to instill what I learned back at the workplace got me back on track to my original decision.

When the last day of my contract came, I made alot of Valentine’s presents for them and even wrote some cards to some precious ones. Even though I received some presents from some others, nothing beats being blindfolded and dragged to the canteen, and being surprised by my favourite beings in the form of handwritten notes.

That book was filled with all their honest emotions and it was by far, the cutest thing to receive.

That book also helped me to understand how much I’ve impacted and inspired each and everyone one of them in ways I never knew.

I’ll let the photos below explain what I mean by the above.

All in all, being in Eunoia is such a blessing. From meeting Ira & Hambaly, to being a great support for CL and finally being someone who is loved by the kids; I can’t and won’t ask for anything more.

In fact, the main reason why Eunoia is such a blessing is because it allowed me to finally learn to love me. With all my scars and broken memories, these wonderful gems showed me how much I truly mean to those I’ve somewhat radiated my warmth to.

Like someone always says; “You have no idea how much you and your love for people have impacted those around you. Because a sun can’t see how bright it’s shining to people, just like how you don’t see how much you’ve impacted those around you, who grows to love you the way you love them.”

[kwonxsarang]

Google Helps, sometimes

When I’m done(meaning I have given up) with a problem(or life in general), I look to Professor Google for insights on how to make life better. Most of the time it gives me crap, but today, my question of “How to stay positive at work?” brought me to this article.

The article wrote of the following items:

The first step is awareness

Recognize the negativity around you. Sometimes you can even feel your energy being drained by the words being spoken. If it feels bad or uncomfortable, then it's negative. These feelings are a form of intelligence similar to a tap on the shoulder letting you know something is not right. If you can identify what is happening, you can make good choices about handling it.

It all starts with you In what ways are you contributing to the negativity around you? Are you listening to gossip or participating in conversations where the only focus is to denigrate, diminish or criticize? Language matters. Everything you say has an impact; saying something negative not only dishonors the person you're speaking about and the person you're speaking with, but it also makes you feel bad even if you don't realize it. Learn to respect people's humanity and their right to be themselves. Complaining without end does not focus on creating solutions; rather, it perpetuates and magnifies the problem, wasting everyone's precious time and energy.

Speak up Tell the other person how you feel by saying, "This doesn't work for me." It's nonjudgmental, since you're making it about you, not them. Also, people often don't realize they are being negative. Point it out in a gentle, caring way: "Do you realize you are complaining?" Just bringing it to their attention can be enough to shift the conversation. Over time, people will learn what they can and cannot discuss with you, and it will stop being an issue. If you say nothing, your silence conveys permission to continue.

Be constructive, positive, meaningful and beneficial What is the point or purpose of what you're saying? Is it to hurt or help? And at the end of the conversation, is there an action step to take? Constructive conversations are empowering and leave people a little better off from having participated in them. Become the kind of person who takes your time and words seriously.

Praise and acknowledge It's amazing what a few words of praise and acknowledgement can do. You want to be the kind of person people gravitate to because they know they will be uplifted by you, not put down or drained of life-sustaining energy. In short, you want people to feel good after being in your presence.

No matter what is going on around you, you control your inner environment and how you choose to respond to external events and situations. It's your responsibility to become the kind of person you enjoy being and with whom others enjoy being around.

It takes a true leader to walk a path different from the crowd. So when others are negative, stretch your boldness muscles and be positive in spite of what others do or think. It's the only way to create a ripple of change. And if we all do our part, then slowly but surely, we will make a difference in our work environment and the larger community.

Thinking back, I have changed. I constantly let my negativity consume me and I never give myself another chance or even find a proper breathing space. I give and give, to the point where right now, I have nothing more to give. 

Right now, I need to start taking back what I once give so that I can at least feel a little more human each day. But how do I do that? How do I take happiness?

[kwonxsarang]

Options

Things have been looking pretty glum since 2018 school year started and I am still undecided.

My contract with the school ends on Valentines’18 and to be honest, I have not made a decision just yet. A month ago, I would have willingly said yes to another year because of the kids, Ira, Hambaly, CL and the other teachers.

But since last Wednesday, my mental state is telling me to leave.

Work feels like a noose. Day by day it’s getting tighter and I am finding myself harder to breathe. Of course the kids, Ira, Hambaly and CL made it a little easier each day, but it feels as tho it gets harder just to smile at people.

I don’t like how I’m turning into an angry mess all the time. I hate how I’m not smiling often and how I can only laugh at the misery of my situation.

Work never use to be dreadful. 

I was never this unhappy.

Walking away would be the best option right now but then again, what will happen to all that I have built and made over the year?

Won’t I miss the heart signs, the calling of “Miss Aini”, the gossips and the friendship. Won’t I miss their smiles, laughter and all the teasing.

I know I’m not ready to leave the kids. I know I’ll miss them terribly. The laughters, the inside jokes, the feeling that I won’t be judged for what I do here. 

The kids beg me to stay. So did CL (till September he says). 

But will I stay the same if I stay? Will I still be positive?

The final question is, am I ready to hold on to all that, while everything else is questioning my sanity by staying in this place.

[kwonxsarang]

I am a constant believer of love.

I think that human beings are capable of loving and being loved back.

I believe that with love, we can continue being the kind and gracious beings that we all can be, especially to one another.

With saying that, by no means am I calling myself a saint. 

I just think that we can love so many at once and at the same time, love ourselves endlessly.

When I started working at Eunoia, I thought I’ll just work there, make some new friends and go home; which, you know, is the usual cycle. But like they say, He always have plans for us and I never once thought that the following would happen.

I made friends with someone who is in-charge of a CCA. He was looking really distraught about something and well, me being the social butterfly, I just swooped in, got into the conversation and somewhat saved the day for that someone. Fast-forward to a few months later, and then I get his boys to come down to Gift for sessions. 

What started off as an experiment turned out to be a godsend instead. The boys were a real blessing to all of us, even the children, and when they stop coming due to other commitments, their absence was greatly missed,

Since I work in the school, I guess its inevitable for me to come across the boys once in a while. But those random coincidences turned into everyday conversations and now, they always think of me as one of them.

The boys would scream my name when they see me walk passed them or from across the hall. They would give me <3 signs as a “hello gesture” and even call out my name from the other side of the glass door. Our conversations became constant and we never seem to not see each other every other day. 

From those small gestures, they slowly started crawling their way into my heart.

Now, every time I see them, we’re always talking about the randomness things. To what I’m eating or whether I’m going out drinking; these boys just makes it easy for me to let down my facade and be real. I feel as though I can be honest with them because they met me when I am familiar and comfortable with who I am now. 

My darkest minutes in the office can turn 360 just by seeing their faces and seeing those <3 gestures.

I told them of my final day at Eunoia, which may be on Valentines Day. Instead of asking me why, they straight away went on telling me to stay until they graduate. They tell me to stay with them throughout and leave when they leave. 

For that, and all the happiness that they bring me, I’m thankful that He brought them to me. But most of all, I’m happy that they are able to accept me, for all the ‘complicated’ non-stereotypical side that I show them.

I think at this point, they’ve already taken up the empty spots in my heart.

That is how much I know I love them, and how I know I’ll keep loving them, just like I love my Gifters.

[kwonxsarang]

Being Thankful #1

감사해요 (Kamsah-eayoe~)

I'm re-watching "Oh my Venus" and all the scenes of Joo-Eun thanking Yoong-Ho. Then I started thinking about people whom I'm thankful to.

One of the many people would be Aaron. Even though we're no longer "friends" per-see, I am still thankful for that very night. I flew with some of my poly course mates to the Philippines when I was finishing my first year. During the trip, I went through too many downs to count, but I am thankful to those who made all my ups.

After the plane arrives back to Sg, and after we have all received our luggage from the conveyor belt, all of us started saying goodbye to one another. There were constant hugs and farewell speeches, but the one thing I was looking forward to was just walking out of the arrivals and being away from the whole trip. After doing all the farewells, the one person that I did not want to bid my goodbyes to walked up to me. He held out his arms, signaling that he wanted a goodbye hug, and me being the weak and kind soul, walked up to him and gave him the tightest hug that I could muster.

Hugging him was difficult. It reminded me of the good moments, but it also pulled me back to the dark ones. Once I know that I was about to lose my cool, I let go. He reluctantly released me and asked, "Are you okay?" I took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and smiled while nodding. Without waiting for another word, I turned, grabbed my luggage and walked out.

With my heart constricting and my tears begging to be released, I held it all down and walked out confidently. However, my luck wasn't with me that night, and he and his pals came out at the same exact time as I did. As I hear them whispering and all, I tried my best to stay calm, but it wasn't working, until I saw Aaron and Andala. I ran to them as a little girl would to her best friends, and I hugged them right in front of him. The whole time, I was so grateful to the both of them I just started laughing and smiling like a little girl. I knew he was watching me the whole time, but at that point, I didn't care because my friends were with me. My friends who are a godsend on that very night saved me from the sadness that was overwhelming me.

That incident will never stray away from me because it was one of the things that I will forever remember.

I told myself to thank Aaron properly one day and inform him how grateful I am to have met him. Life is too short not to be thankful every single day, and thus, I will start doing these little posts' whenever I am free.

Hence today's posts is a thank you to Aaron. For being a godsend on that night to me. Kumao chinguu-ya. (친구 야 고마워)