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90/90

Grateful.

At 16, I dreamt.

At almost 19, I am awake.

The universe is vast, my problems miniscule.

So once again, I'll just listen to some jazz and forget about it.

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Day 89/90!!!!

Almost Done.

This has undoubtedly been the most depressing year of my conscious life;

I have discovered the lowest pits of my being and existence, which, did make me inexplicably overjoyed at some points. It's not easy to explain but there's an odd pleasure in watching yourself jump off a height in hopes of picking flight and ending up splatting face first on scorching concrete as people walk by; watching, pitying, saying a word or two, and then, simply, going on with their super duper important lives.

This isn't where I would've wanted to end, definitely not here. Not. Not. Not. Not.

But alas, I have ended here.

I did check, I'm really not a fan of lying.

So, I carried the body. No one else does, and it's not their fault, you're a grown up. You are supposed to bury yourself on your own. I cannot emphasize how exasperated I am about this right now. It gets funnier as you walk on, the guilt of it all, it becomes quite friendly. I like it.

I definitely carry on, or atleast, pretend to. It's a shitshow, but nobody, thankfully, watches close enough to realise it. That's how it is these days, short and insignificant, that's the lifespan of everything we see. Of everything that passes by.

I do not know where I am headed, but I'd like a home by a creek someday.

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“You're not gonna slow it, Heaven knows you tried.”

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Day 86/90

“Have I lost myself,

Or have I gained you?”

I'm not too worried about the outcome anymore; I have entered into this weird phase of acceptance, where even defeat is an ideal outcome, as long as I make it out the other side.

In my quest to leave this small town, to pretend that I'm a grown up who can take care of my own affairs thank you very much; I have gained an epiphany; putting life on the sidelines is what I've been doing.

I'm constantly in a state where I believe, or at least make myself believe that life will start *after* so-and-so event takes place. In my delusions, life passed me by, in fact, even in moments where life took me by the shoulders and shook me with all its might, I kept wondering, "When does life really begin?"

Keeping myself in this purgatory since the pandemic was a coping mechanism, I just never really let myself realise it. Because that would've meant becoming aware of my Achilles Heel.

I grieve the loss of what once was, what could've been and even of what's to come;

The freezing water of a cold shower, it eases me into the feeling of being surrounded by reality, by the fact that I am yet to step out into the real world and face people, by the fact that I have been sabotaging my existence by denying it, by refusing myself a life at all.

I'm not really nervous about the exam.

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James after asking her out in front of everyone for the 14th time that week: If I don’t know any better, I’d say you’re impressed.

Lily: But you do know better

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Day 45/90

45 Days to Uni Entrance

Stuck in a loop. I'm afraid every moment that this is how it's gonna end, that I'll end up with nothing. Just mediocre, just everything that I've been trying to run away from.

I constantly feel that I'll end up stuck in this town, the same faces will taunt me everyday, and I'll watch. I'll watch knowing that it was all in my hands and I did nothing for myself. I betrayed my own self more than anyone ever has or ever will.

Where does one put their rage and resentment when it's directed toward their own self, their own incompetence, their own lies, their own lack of respect for life as it is. Accountability. Something I've never had to deal with. Something that nobody expected from me. Something I brushed off as nothing to worry about. And now i stand here, stand really nowhere since I never found a place to place my feet upon, lost about things that seemingly come too easily to everyone else.

I'm tired of battling against myself, how will I fight the world if I cannot take a stand against me? Growth is excruciatingly painful, it's shattering me and forcing myself to build a new person to be in my stead. The person I am, cannot sustain what I need to be and it has driven me to lows I never imagined myself to reach.

I am tired.

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felt like a pretty princess carrying this around 🙂‍↕️💖

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Day 39/90

51 Days to Uni Entrance Exams 🌱🌱🌱

I've got a hypothetical gun to my head at every moment of the day; why is it so difficult to manage my own affairs?

Becoming an adult is weird. You'd think that things would be smooth if you did them designed for your own self. Yet, it's just a mess. In my head I'm still a kid, but I'm eligible to vote, drive, get a job and even drink in some states.

🫧🫧🫧

On some days, I don't see the difference between me from highschool and me today. On most days, I feel like I'm giving multiple tests a day and failing every single one of them.

Everyday, I wish I had made different choices.

And yet, we move ahead, we walk on and face what's around us at this very moment. Life doesn't need to have a manual afterall.

🪻🪻🪻

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I miss the community of it all. The loneliness is everlasting. How can you find a connection in cyber hell; filled turmoil? Ruptured eye sockets filled with useless media, bleeding information. Data falling like tears into nowhere.

To give to grievances.

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Day 35/90

55 Days to Entrance Exams

I'm in misery, growth hurts like a biiiiitch.

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just heard someone call Kafka and Dostoevsky their "comfort reads"

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They matched each other’s freak

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i may or may not have written a fic where i projected my personal flirting skills onto the main pairing, said skills being making origamis for the other person without a word and hoping for the best. no joke, i spent an entire year communicating this way with my crush before i finished the course, obviously never having an actual conversation.

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I honestly feel like nobody in lotr mentions how fucking weird Legolas is. He stays up pacing the floor and singing to himself in the dead of night. He deadass stares straight into the tree line in the absolute pitch black when no one else can see anything. He yells goodbye to a river he has heard about in songs. He's so strange and not one character mentions it AT ALL. I absolutely love him.

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the word jurist is so vague and for what