ladyofconstantrambling

[ladyofconstantrambling]

Maybe loving me

Felt like laundry

Washing dishes

Sweeping the floor

But

Loving you

Felt like

Laying in bed

After taking too many meds

Dizzy and waiting

Loving you felt like

Dozing on the bathroom floor

Enjoying the ecstasy of a razor

Loving you felt like

Daydreaming of being good

Maybe

Loving me

Felt like a chore

But loving you

Felt like a slow scalpel to my chest

[ladyofconstantrambling]

I dont care to watch you disappear

If it was up to me

I wouldnt of loved so dearly

And if I had a say

I wouldve kept my heart at bay

Away from your musician calloused fingers

I wouldnt of let you kiss me

At the door

And feel my heart soar

You pulled me aside in October

And confessed your love

But it wasnt up to me

[ladyofconstantrambling]

Its morning time

The grass is freshly dewed

The bugs are buzzing

And the birds are singing

The tea in my cup is warm

I hold on to it in your absence

It feels cold in my palm

The scolding feeling of remembering

It is morning time

After heart break

The birds are awake

The bugs are buzzing

I am sitting on the steps

Remembering

Staring

Thinking

The cup in my hands

Is warm

but I am cold

[ladyofconstantrambling]

Before you

I was mechanical

In a drawer next to a bed

I was wires

Built in a basement

Dust building homes in my endoskeleton

Before you

My wires caught flame

My system hacked

My my my

Me me me

Before you

I was me

And that was enough

Thats what I had hoped to believe

But

Before you

I didn’t know my wires were nerves

My parts were flesh

My heart was beating

Before you

I didn’t know I could feel

[ladyofconstantrambling]

You slip away

Like silk sheets

On a humid may night

Pointed heels

At the door

You knew of me

In a dream

I knew of you

In a haze

Fogging up my vision

Glasses

Defining 20/20 vision

And

I can’t help

Myself

From writing about you

About

Pretending

The body next to the time

Is you

A shallow

Tasteless

Version of you

But never the real you

Just like may nights

Our bare skin

Sticky with the summer air

The grass itchy against

Our flesh

The sounds of crickets

Echo off

Our minds

Sweet summer stars

Perfume

Our eyes

I loved you

And those may nights

[ladyofconstantrambling]

You’re not a bad man

Not evil to the core

But sometimes when I lay in bed

I remember some say things you’ve said

How I wasn’t as pretty as the women on tv

You were shocked to know

That I thought I was

Offended that I could even think that

You’re not a bad man

The same way that I’m not as pretty

And when we talked about my crooked teeth

I could tell you looked displeased

Your lip went tight

As you smiled politely

Reminding me that I wasn’t as pretty

When I am ready

Makeup on

And feeling pretty

Your lip gets tight

As you smile politely

Reminding me im not like the girls on tv

[ladyofconstantrambling]

How many times did I call you

When I left home

In between being a perpetual teen

And losing you

How many times did you call

When I left home

In between being a mother

And losing me

I called you

My phone barely ringing

They told me on the line

And I called you

I wanted to

I should’ve

How many times should I have called you

Forgave you

Listened

Embraced the mother that you were

And I should’ve told you

When you remembered me

And I should’ve called for help

And I shouldn’t of ran away

And I shouldn’t of watched it all happen

And I shouldn’t of said I hated you

And I should’ve known

[ladyofconstantrambling]

To be loved is to hold back

To love a man is to learn to be indifferent

To be loved by a man is to be waiting for the love to begin

To be seen is to be hiding into yourself

To be cocooned is to be waiting

[ladyofconstantrambling]

I dreamt of love

Formed in the wound of indifference

A mother of guilt

And somber

I was born craving to be held

Placed in baskets of wires and thorns

I love roses

And picnic baskets

Tv screens held against my head

Like brainwashing gay bashing camps

Wedding scenes

And kissing montages

Happy lady with a happy man

They love roses and picnic baskets

But roses have thorns

Baskets hold crying hungry babies

That want to be held

That need to be held

Ladies marry ungrateful incompetent men

A ceremony so big

To show how in love they are

And I could be that too

Why can’t I?

[ladyofconstantrambling]

Art Nouveau doors in Brussels ❦

[ladyofconstantrambling]

I thought I had found myself

Laying in the woods

The leaves and moss over me

Like a thin blanket

She was safe

I was stolen by my own self

An embrace

Behind old oak trees

Buried in the ground

Somewhere in the deep south

A part of the land

My father would’ve dug

To keep me

I was preserved like stale butchered meat

The ground cold

And hard

My flesh had been picked

The bugs

Foxes

and world

Devouring me

My bones

Would be bleached

Once summer comes

But for now

I am safe

Perserved

And put away

[ladyofconstantrambling]

I decided to be empty

In the absence

Of lonely

I have made a home out of denying myself pleasures and niceties

Its fitting

Like a size too small

Squeezing like a corset

My eyes start to pop

I feel I am too nice

Too indulgent

Too fleshy and depraved

[ladyofconstantrambling]

I want to be loved like the movies, like the books.

But people aren't one dimensional

They change and shift

And turn into new things

By the end of the week

The month

The year

Starting off as caterpillars

And turning into something else

Emotions

And romance

And dread

And loathing

And fear

And love

And glee

And contentment

I’m afraid

Of the statistics

Afraid of the couples I see on the screen

Are they afraid of what lies beneath their love for each other too?

What they don’t post for all to see

Do they hide things from each other

Do they change within months

Or years

Do they hold back their love

Out of spite

Out of shame

Out of fear

Are they caterpillars

Or butterflies

Is their love real?

[ladyofconstantrambling]

I go on walks

When the day is coming to a close

I walk on the dirt

Near my home

Accidentally

I step on bugs as I do

Do I not know the weight of my existence?

A giant beast ending their life too soon

Or maybe theres a deep part

Of me

That enjoys it

[ladyofconstantrambling]

[ladyofconstantrambling]

Living room

Chinese food

The aftermath of 5pm

The curtains cracked

A skew

Street light peaking through

Orange hue

Lamp on

By the door

Quick cat naps

On the bed

Netflix on the tv

We ordered Chinese food

To eat

On the blue

Floral sofa

You got a pepsi

I got a diet cola

You have my heart

Wrapped in blue

On the sofa

Eating Chinese food

[ladyofconstantrambling]