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He’ll snap out of it eventually leave him in peace

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CIGARETTE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

cigarette for your thoughts they'll be the death of you those thoughts they're bad for you, you know.

you only smoke when you want to die so it's alright self-destruction in a 30 gram pouch; it tastes like it's working.

I know you want me to say that there's romance in your recklessness that you're flawed but you're beautiful that I will love you enough for the both of us

but the world is bigger than your world you never tell me I am beautiful just because I hate myself you'll be the death of me, you know cigarette for my thoughts.

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--anxiety

I just had my first go at using Headspace and wanted to use my clearer mind to reel off how I feel about my anxiety. This is just my stream of thought so it’s very unfurnished.

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Your mark that I wear on my grated teeth  or my elsewhere face is there in the dentist's office and it's there in the mirror.

If you were truly invisible I wouldn't have to pay you all this attention.

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hoarding no.4

I love you so much more now you are dust where you are safe

You are my memory; my memory I can keep

The light in here shines bright upon you; you are clear but you are faceless.

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hoarding no.3

you are just this mound of dust, but I have built you taller than I can reach; nobody else matches up.

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All this weight

I have this image in my mind that we are all born floating. Unimbued by the weight of the past we have not yet learned gravity; we are fixed in the present by natural buoyancy. But moments die; eroded in the swash of time the pictures turn to dust. They pass as memories to one end of the hourglass and settle like sandcastles. We hoard this false kingdom and gather gravity from the weight of what once was. Like cartoon characters it is only when we comprehend what is happening that we fall.

I’ve been trying to lose weight since you left, but it is all so important to me. You were real once, but now you just make me heavy.

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---you are not old

You are not old now you are gone; you are young, middle-aged and old all in one.

You are younger than yesterday for the first time; younger than you've been in years. In death we do not age; we become all we ever were at once.

You are not really gone; you just stopped changing.

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you don't need to know how it works to know that it hurts

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HOARDING NO. 2

-i love you so much more now you are dust-

i rebuild you like a sand castle but you never stay up right. i never saw your bones; you are boneless. i never felt your soul; you are soulless

and getting finer and finer.

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14.01 -- 29/12/2016

time is the name that we give to the blank spaces in between the things that we do.

it matters as much or as little as we care to measure; i will imagine that it is not there that everything stops and the little blank spaces do not have a name

i will measure

not the spaces

but the substance

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learning

i will learn give me time i will learn

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give me time i will learn that some things i will learn but not know

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i cannot know the world as you do; i can learn that we know the very same world in very different ways

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--in dissolution-------------- -----i found beauty--------- --------colours that i have --------------never seen---

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Like all weightless things we float;

Like all cartoons it is only when we comprehend what is happening that we fall.

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Hoarding

I watched these moments die and drop as dust at my feet; these are memories my memories I can keep.

It is not a mess it was all important once.

You say that I am stuck in the past; that I will be buried in this hourglass and your words fall to the floor as grains of sand.

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Carry our dead

You keep saying that you're trying to lose weight and I keep replying "you're perfect are you are."

You say there's nothing perfect about the dickheads you haven’t spoken to for years clinging to you like love handles; eating away like parasites.

There is nothing perfect about exs who linger like the scars they leave scattered like notches on a bedpost.

There is nothing 'perfect' about the dead living on in your head so very topheavy you slump like they all move in unison to the front of your skull.

You tell me i don't understand, I never understand: you want to shed it all like snakeskin; wake in the morning new with this weight, all this weight in the laundry bin.

you say the past is not a memory it is a weight that we carry it drags us down like gravity and you are tired.

I have never touched a nerve so raw, I sob and say "what are we but the weight we wear from days before?"

"what are we-"

I am not sure, but I am far too heavy for this body. we all carry our dead on our back and I never pretend to know yours, so please do not second-guess mine.

and don't you dare write this down.

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Diminishing Returns

Can you please go and find another brick wall? One who will not grow resentful

Let me crumble let me fall.

I will not topple while you stand so close; let go and give up like I have. You know there is no more blood you can squeeze from this stone

It leaks through these cracks like I’m trying to apologise but I can’t. So please leave me alone.

I am here is that not enough?

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Failure

i think the ugly duckling was still pretty pissed off it would never be a duck. swans are cool and all but if i were raised one way only to find out i'm another being entirely i wouldn't give a fuck how pretty my nice white feathers are.