laurameliala

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"Idealisme" Rasanya sebelum menulis tentang topik ini, masih banyak sekali aspek-aspek yang harus saya pahami sampai akhirnya bisa membuat kesimpulan. Tapi, siang ini adalah waktu yang tepat untuk menulis, berhubung baru saja dibuat menangis oleh suatu thread di X. Rasanya semua scene yang menggores hati dan semua yang ada di fikiran mengenai idealisme, tiba-tiba mencuat di ujung kepala. So here we go. Ada 2 hal yang membuat topik ini selalu ada di fikiran saya. Izinkan saya menceritakan semuanya satu persatu, tapi seperti biasa, dengan gaya fikir saya yang sangat emosional, sensitif dan unapologetic. 1. No hard feelings by Liz Fosslien & Mollie West Duffy - ini adalah judul buku yang subjudulnya adalah "The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work". Dengan iming-iming cover yang eyecatchy, wall street journal bestseller dan subjudul yang relatable, buku ini pasti memang buat saya. Benar, buku ini memang lagi "hangat-hangatnya" saya butuhkan. Kenapa? Begini. - As a background, sekarang saya sekolah dokter spesialis di salah satu universitas negeri yang pendidikannya berbasis praktik kedokteran, alias belajar sambil bekerja. Saya rasa topik betapa bobroknya sistem pendidikan dokter spesialis Indonesia boleh saya tulis di lain waktu, tapi intinya saya sekarang bekerja di RS Rujukan se-Sumatera Utara, atau yang kalau sering saya sampaikan ke pasien "Bapak/Ibu jangan takut, Bapak/Ibu sudah berada di RS dengan dokter yang lengkap. Diatas RS ini, tidak ada lagi yang lain. Bapak/Ibu harus sembuh disini, tenang saja ya". Holistik. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, but we literally called it 'terapi muncung'. - Keseharian saya adalah melakukan pelayanan kedokteran dan pendidikan kedokteran. Saat melayani, saya bertemu dengan pasien, perawat, pegawai RS, kolega (senior/junior) dan supervisor. Saat menjalani pendidikan, saya bertemu dengan kolega dan supervisor. Jadi, rasio kontak saya dengan kolega dan supervisor adalah tinggi. Seperti pada umumnya, dunia kerja tidak dipenuhi oleh 100% orang yang melakukan hal-hal yang benar atau yang saya masih kenal dengan "Idealis". Setiap hari ada saja ketidaksetaraan atau ketidakadilan yang saya jumpai, baik dari kolega atau mostly supervisor. Setiap hari dan saya jujur masih sangat terganggu dan belum bisa tidak mengkerutkan dahi melihat ketidakadilan itu. Katanya memang hidup unfairly fair to everyone, sepertinya sih tidak. Mulai dari perlakuan yang tidak sama saat tampil ilmiah, beban kerja yang tidak sama, standar ganda terhadap peserta didik hingga hal-hal yang bahkan menyentuh ketidak-profesionalan dalam menghadapi pasien. It happens naturally, everyone knows and everyone just pretend that it's not. -Oleh karena itu, buku ini saya beli supaya saya mengerti caranya bersikap profesional saat menghadapi emosi-emosi negatif di tempat kerja, supaya saya mengerti cara untuk tetap sehat secara mental di tempat kerja dan supaya saya mengerti bahwa memiliki semua emosi tersebut adalah hal yang normal. Buku ini sangat membantu, terutama untuk orang-orang seperti saya yang saat kerja hatinya juga dibawa.

2. Pemilu dan Gibran Gibran kemungkinan besar tidak melanggar apapun dalam caranya untuk mencapai kursi Wakil Presiden. Bersih, tak bercela, semuanya sangat apik dan tidak ada pelanggaran hukum. Kalau begitu boleh dong kesimpulannya orang lain hanya "sirik" karena tidak mampu? Tidak mampu apa? Tidak mampu lahir dari anak seorang presiden?Hal ini saya debatkan dengan seseorang dengan begitu banyaknya bantahan yang mengatakan saya terallu idealis, saya malah semakin yakin bahwa idealis saya itu bare minimum yang dibutuhkan supaya jangka panjang, Indonesia ini tidak dipenuhi oleh orang-orang dengan pemikiran "ya sudahlah mau gimana lagi". Tidak berlebihan saya rasa jika dimasa depan kita dijajah, lalu lantas hanya modal "We've done our best, yamau gimana lagi?". Idealismu ya bare minimum, you haven't even touch it, apalagi "your best". Saya tetap tidak akan pahami orang-orang yang belum bisa call out Gibran dalam hal ini. Menurut saya, hingga sekarang, "idealis" seharusnya bahkan menjadi bare minimum. Idealis boleh hanya berupa harapan atau target yang belum tentu bisa direalisasikan. Idealis tidak harus realistis, tapi saya mau semua orang tau bahwa yang benar adalah si perempuan lemah yang teriak teriak idealis itu. Jadi, mengatakan seseorang terlalu idealis itu sama dengan terlalu tinggi berharap. Apa salah kalau yang miskin berharap suatu saat kaya? Tidak. Apa bisa dia seumur hidup tetap miskin? Bisa sekali. Saya juga bukan anak kemarin sore yang belum tau asam garam hidup, belum tau susah, belum tau perjuangan sampai idealisnya harus diganti dengan kalimat "belum paham aja kamu". Justru saya paham, kalian yang ga kurang banyak baca, belajar dan melihat dunia lebih besar. Orang-orang yang baik karena terpaksa atau tidak, hidupnya hanya untuk diri sendiri dan keluarga kecilnya, tidak paham artinya. 3. Punya keponakan Baru punya keponakan, rasanya sangking cinta matinya sama anak bayi ini, ingin sekali dunia ini jadi tempat yang lebih layak dan pantas untuk dihidupi. Ingin juga rasanya dia hidup dan tumbuh jadi anak yang paham indahnya hidup ini tanpa harus lupa bahwa hidup ini juga penuh ketidakadilan dan tidak selalu sesuai harapan. Tapi, semoga anak bayi tetap kuat dan bisa membedakan benar atau salah ya.

[laurameliala]

Words of Affirmation

I didn’t realise how much people’s word affect me until the ‘5 types of love language’ thing become popular. I know we are made of every little thing people do or say towards us. But when some poeple talk to me, somehow their words stay with me eventhough they are not in my life anymore. Well I guess it might happen to everyone no matter what their love language is. The question is, why some of their words stay and some didn’t. The answer is on the “affirmation word“. 

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(3) Describe your day in 10 words

Riding a roller-coaster with pseudoefedrin and cigarettes after sex playing

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(2)Three goals for this month

Oh my, i’m already in the middle of the month, still writing about my goals for this month. It’s okay, here we go, straight from my head :

Finishing a textbook 

10k in less than an hour

Back on selling accessories ? lol

[laurameliala]

(1) What are you most looking foward to?

I am so blessed to say that on this moment, i have a numerous things which i’m interested in. I feel like i want to explore, try or learn everything, even a tiny trivia of everything. And by everything i mean from business, politic, health, marketing/finance, psychology, phylosophy, language, you name it. This so-called-temporary-curiosity might or might not merely be a good investment for my better future, or even just a waste of time, but i just could’t help how much curiosity i have now for them.  I don’t exactly know why, like why now but, maybe because i was given a long period of time as an unemployed that i unconsciously had my mind opened for a lot of possibilities in this world. Just by realizing that one person could be a lot of things excites me. Well my profession/my current job could be my main job as much as it could be my side job right?

So back to the question, what am i most looking foward to (this year)? With a lot of things going on in my head, it’s not an easy question for me to answer. But i remember one thing i stand on when i started this new year, if i have the favor from God to be curious and AWARE of what i want to learn (which i think is such a priviledge), more so to be blessed enough to actually be able to learn them, the only thing i’m looking foward to is my awareness of my needs to be fully guided by Him. This might not be the ‘fun’ answer after what i explained earlier, but thats that, just looking for a life full of awareness and intentions. Ciao!

[laurameliala]

30 Days Writing Challenge

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before 25

Hey, it’s 30 minutes before my birthday. Yay me for surviving another year, though surviving sounds ungracious. 

You know how you always confused about what’s in your heart with what’s in your head? This is that period of time. I usually need to stop everything for a moment, zoned out, write it down or talk it out. So that’s pretty much why i am here, writing. 

I haven’t got the time and the space since i live in a house of 12 person, with 2 roomates, in the middle of a pandemic. I haven’t got the motivation to do anything besides my routine, i haven’t met anyone i can share the same energy with and i always feel lazy and useless. Furthermore, this is a big deal for me, i am not even a morning person anymore and i sleep at 11PM!

So basically i hit the midlife crisis in he middle of a pandemic. Sometimes i know it’s not always about me. Maybe the pandemic made me feel like it. My mind’s exhausted by covid-19 news, by the fact that it only gets closer to your inner circle, by the fact that i left my parents in the red zone, knowing that i can’t control every step or every people they met, scared to death that anything would happen. This pandemic and midlife crisis scares me too much that i forget how to be gratetful and hopefull. I forgot that being healthy nowadays seems to be the best thing ever, both inside and outside. I forgot that i am loved by who i needed the most. 

So bear with me. Here’s to another year of gratitude, another year full of intentions, another year of not taking things for granted, another year of more healthy food recipes, another year of 14 days chloe ting challange, another year of reading, another year of searching from within, another year of letting go. Happy birthday for a fresh starter.

[laurameliala]

LA LA LA FEST, BANDUNG, 2018

It’s funny what your brain choose to remember. I love scrolling through old photos of me travelling and i always have my memory taken back visualizing things i (mostly) never thought would come easily in my mind. And for this particular trip when i was in a concert, the first thing i remember is me in the concert (i don’t even remember who’s playing, Honne or The Internet),i was looking up to the sky. It was very crowded, everyone was singing loud and having fun. Not that i wasn’t having fun, but because i felt like i was having ‘enough’ fun for the day and i was trying to find something ‘relieving’ if not for my breath, at least for my eye.So i looked up to the sky, i saw a big moon hiding behind the peak of some pine trees (because the concert took plece in a middle of a forest), it was beautiful. I didn’t know but  i felt such in peace and i remember immediately said my gratitude to the sky, for letting me experience everything that day, for every feelings that i’ve felt.     and the second thing i remember is.... my concert-comfy outfit from up to toe. Comfortable outfit wins the day!

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I just remember the first time i heard “skinny love”, how i fall in love with “beth” and eventualy marrying “holocene”. I printed one of his album titled “bon iver,bon iver” and hang it above my desk besides every other beautiful thing i want my brain to see everyday. And putting this song on my life’s top 10 is telling a lot, but it is. Everything in this video is perfect except how she is not crying and trembling. 

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Looking foward to the time when i’m crying while holding my ticket to Japan. HAAAH i can’t even!  Japan is such a dream.. finger crossed!

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Traffic light

7 PM, traffic light, i stop my car and stretch my neck, then i breathe heavily. Heavily. I put my hand into my bag, reaching for some distraction as if i can’t stand to wait mindfully for 3 minutes  Not today. I pull my hand out of the bag, turning the radio off and stare at the street. I observe living and non-living creature my eyes can reach. I am taking a break from distraction. Am i taking a break from distraction? Once i’m in my head, i started asking random questions to them on traffic light. “What are you thinking about when you’re driving?” “Is there anybody waiting for your presence?” “Do you all actually know your destination?” “If not, then why are you all in such a rush?“ Cause sometimes I want to stay here, just like this, in the queue of the traffic light, breathing heavily as if i’ve nailed half of my day, as if i’ve given free 3 minutes of time to be with myself. I’ll let you all go to whatever you called as desination, i’ll just stay here until i find mine. 

[laurameliala]

Live honestly

People not living in honesty.  

Correct me if i’m wrong, i haven’t read ‘The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck’ by Mark Manson, but i’m quiet sure just by reading the title, he is talking about living bold in honesty. 

I am sure all of my friends are in their early 20s, which means we’ve been breathing, thinking and experienced things in this same earth for more than 20 years. Congratulation because i think it’s an adequate time to know what you like and what you don’t like. I am not talking about heavy things like finding passion, life’s purpose or your opinion on brexit, but i’m talking about whether you like to drink coffee or not, whether you like sigur rós or not. As simple as it could be, some of us turn out isn’t fighting for what we like. I wonder why. Is it because the stigma of being different is a bad thing? Because we’re supposed to be different! That’s how i lowkey think the world find it’s ‘balance’. You like one thing, i like other thing. You hate one thing, i hate other thing. You care about one thing, i care about other thing. 

(Bear with me!) Here’s a little example. Eva Celia might put her concern over saving environment through clean eating, but not over Indonesia’s education like Sabda. Neither Eva nor Sabda is a bad person by not having the same amount of concern with the same thing. You just can’t cover every world’s problem with your super generous and caring heart, you can only start by caring about ‘some’ things, one thing. That’s why when you drink your coffee with stainless steel straw, and someone say “meh you still use plastic bag the other day”, explain to them that it’s your little contribution in something you care which is the environment, then ask them about their contribution in the sector that they care about to make it fair. Because to change we just gotta start somewhere right? So why won’t you start with yourself, with as simple as doing what makes you happy in your daily routine? It’s just your bloody daily routine! Because I believe small thing can change the world. Thus, what you consume and what you buy make an impact to the world. In a tinier scale, your mood throughout the day could make an impact to the energy around you too. Okay now i sound mad. Maybe i am mad confused about people not striving for their own happiness! But yeah that’s it. So for me, having a happy and positive person around me is important. And to be happy, you have to be honest with yourself. And when you’re honest, everyone will eventually understand and hush it out. You’ll somehow look cooler for standing up for your choice. 

So next time, if you don’t like listening to Payung Teduh, then don’t. If you don’t like hanging out with your friends in a bar, the don’t. If you don’t like eating fast food, then don’t. If you don’t like wearing make up, then don’t. If you like posting selfies in your account, then post it. If you like building muscles on your hand even if your friends think it’s too much, build it. If you like to bring a huge amount of water bottle plus 2 tupperware of food to school where people look at you like a greedy nerd, then bring it! (This is me anyway:)). 

What i’m saying is. Have your own opinion. If your opinion do no harm then fight for it. In a small matter, even better in a bigger matter, fight for it. It all start with yourself being honest. Goodluck on saying yes and no !

[laurameliala]

Recent Happiness

I find happiness in decluttering. Throwing away things that do not give value to my life. So far, It has been 7 plastic bag and still counting. I find happiness in my 25 days social media detox. I’ve done 30 days without social media before, so it’s not new for me and personally it’s really not a big deal. But surprisingly i always get better understanding of the benefits. I find more time to focus on myself, connect with people around me and most of all letting me to read more, which is by far one of my favorite 2019′s resolutions. Same benefits, better understanding. I find happiness in finding that i want to learn a lot of new things in this year which means i put my attentions to broader things. I find happiness in having more free time now but still thinking that i don’t have enough time in a day. 

[laurameliala]

Heavenly Father

I don’t know how to explain this song. But this song, with this version, feels like a home i’ll always wanna go back to.

[laurameliala]

wildflower

She is ‘light’ by india arie, almost a ‘light’ in u.f.o’s lyric She is a cuddle and hot milk on a rainy day, warm by heart She is a manful woman, thorough and a smart one She is the one you can turn when wrong decisions made She is not perfect but what is perfection even mean? She is a human like any other human, realisic, sometimes worries and feeling blue She is a wildflower and a mother.  Let her cry, for she's a lady Let her dream, for she's a child Let the rain fall down upon her She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

[laurameliala]

Fear

This is for the soul who pray every night just to be a little bit more fearless tomorrow, for the soul who claim that she have not found herself when she might already have. ... You do not know everything and you can not know everything. You did not please everyone you met and you will never please everyone. But you’ve grown and you know better then you get better. 

You know what you’ve always wanted. You know what makes you happy. You know what you could’ve done. You know the reasons, you’re just confused and afraid. 

Maybe, just maybe, because no one in this world have taught you how important it is to be fearless. How fear is the source of troubles. How easy it could twist your mind, change your yes to no. How it is just a mind trick that people refuse to face, let alone called enemy.  Facing you is the hardest but probably the most pleasing after taste anyone could have.

So bear with me fear.

[laurameliala]

Yogyakarta, Februari 2018 Saya dan rombongan anak kos Yogya,  Pulang.

“Halo, weekend ini kemana?” Semudah itu kalau memang kebelet diiringi niat, Yogya selalu jadi tempa pelarian apik, murah, kaya meriahnya dan tidak tau kapan habisnya. Oke kita berangkat. Pertama, makan. Kedua..... makan. Kenapa tidak? Lalu masih berdua, naik motor ke Museum Ulen Sentalu dengan Merapi kokoh menghadang didepan yang tak kunjung mengecil. Singkatnya, destinasi pertama ini jadi salah satu destinasi favorit.  Plus, disana dapat bonus ketemu ular hitam mistis yang bisik tour guidenya “tunggu selesai dulu semuanya baru akan dijelaskan siapa dan kenapa dia lewat”.  Hari selanjutnya kita beramai. Kita jalan jalan dengan orang baru. Kita pergi lihat matahari tenggelam ke tebing breksi. Dimana lagi bisa minta jemput grab ke tebing? Kelima, makan. Lanjut. yang ditunggu-tunggu, merapi tour. Sayang sekali hari itu merapinya kalah dengan awan. Tapi tidak apa tidak jadi berkenalan, kemarin saya sudah bertemu dengannya. Dan yang kedua, beberapa kegiatan tertunda karena sayang sekali kita salah paket tour. Kalau yang ini baru “apa-apa”!

Selanjutnya.. belajar membohongi publik, sekaligus mengasah kemampuan mengelabui dengan pose-pose di tumpukan pasir berbisik. Tapi salut sekali dengan kreatifitas Yogyakarta. Ini hanya gundukan pasir. Semua yang sederhana dijadikan kesenangan. Bukannya seharusnya semua begitu? Kita lanjut ke Kebun Matahari dan Pantai yang lumayan, lumayan, lumayan.... mengecewakan. Tapi sisi baik untungnya selalu bisa ditemukan. Hari itu terik, semua foto kami terlihat apik tidak perlu polesan brightness! Sudah sudah, besok sekolah lagi. Lagipula sisanya pasti makan saja. Dan yang terpenting, Kapan pulang Yogya lagi?