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[lavender-romancer]

Push it Down

Astarion x GN Reader

Everyday it got worse, the longing stares interrupted when La’zel would curiously catch your eyeline always straying to Astarion. Or how you would always inextricably walk next to him regardless of the goal ahead. Shadowheart would often question if Astarion had to open “every lock we find” at your request. But you couldn't help it, being near him, with him was all you would think about

AN: Astarion brainrot is a real condition people. Lots of lovely fluff.

You're a squishy wizard

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“Do you have to make your feelings so obvious that it's painful?” Shadowheart asked as you looked through some random boxes you found in what remained of moonhaven.

“Do you have to bring this up again?” You jabbed back with a smile. “I'm not ashamed of it, but I will never outright admit it.”

“Lady of Sorrows guide you, I don't know how you're able to stand with your debilitating lack of a spine.” She raised her eyebrow and you simply rolled your eyes “Here, go give these to your boy-toy.” Handing you a few thieves' tools Shadowheart walked to another side of the room and continued looting.

You scampered outside, only realising when you were in front of Astarion how desperate it must have looked to run up to him like a dog wagging its tail excitedly. He was unlocking a chest that was one in a big group La'zel and Karlach had put together for him to deal with.

“Here,” you held out the tools with a smile that was much too big for such a small token.

“Thank you, darling.” He smiled up at you. “You're looking particularly overjoyed, what's got you so energetic?”

“Uh… looting.” You never were good at lying.

“Thank the Gods you never became a politician because your inability to deceive is one of your greatest qualities.” He opened the chest he had been working on.

“I suppose. But I wish I was better at more things like that, it just makes me so nervous to not be honest.” You fidgeted with your hands.

“Well, for starters you need to be better at improvising, it is adorable to see you try and lie to anyone and fail miserably. I'm convinced you should just be completely honest and people might not believe you.” Standing up he brushed the dust off his trousers and you were now face to face. Given, a few steps apart but it still made you smile and your feet shuffle anxiously.

“The tadpole has definitely made me better at lying, you have to at least admit that.” You were practically beaming, staring at him in awe.

“Still, you carry most of your emotions in your eyes and your inability to stop smiling. You'll get there eventually my friend, probably, I mean probably not but it's very sweet that you continue to try. Anyways, we should head back to camp for the evening I am positively spent.” Astarion walked past you to pick up his backpack and you internally groaned.

It was so deeply embarrassing when you couldn't keep your emotions hidden. A problem you had usually put down to anxiousness, but realistically it was just something you had to learn to live with. You were an open book with almost no air of mystique about you. Maybe that was why Astarion seemed so utterly uninterested in seeking anything but friendship or a quick night of passion.

As you lay in your tent, you conjured a mage hand to throw books at you to try and practice your telekinesis but it was going dreadfully. Whilst your magic was growing back to it's former strength before the tadpole you were still plagued by poor reaction times to basically anything. One quite powerful throw from the conjured hand hit your arm and you yelped, sure that it would leave a bruise.

“What mischief are you up too now?” A voice suddenly asked, distracting you from the task at hand as a book hit you square in the face.

“Fuck!” You exclaimed, dismissing the mage hand and rubbing your nose.

“Are you trying to be agile again? You know how that ended up last time.” Astarion joked as he entered your tent and sat down opposite you.

A funny but painful memory entered your mind when you had tried to climb over a very small wall to surprise some goblins and had instead ended up on your back in front of them. If falling over in front of some goblins wasn't bad enough, you had also slipped in grease that was extremely easy to avoid alerting the whole horde to your party's location. The bollocking you got from La'zel after that encounter made you promise to work on your ability to not be “such a fucking Wizard” whatever that meant.

“No, surprisingly I was failing at something else.” You quipped back at him, “anyways, did you want to feed or-”

“No, well yes but, I wanted to talk to you.” He licked his lips absentmindedly and seeing the slight glint of his fangs off the light of your candle made your eyes grow wider. You never knew you'd have a thing for vampires…

“Oh! Do uhm, talk away.” You cringed at your inability to string a sentence together.

“I- look. I know that I am beautiful and wonderful darling, but have you been looking at me slightly differently lately?” he asked, you could almost sense that he was nervous but you weren't sure why.

“What do you mean?” You responded with your eyes fixated on your bedroll on the floor as the alarm bells rang in your head.

“With more longing behind your eyes?” You hadn't noticed that same longing in his eyes which was often present in your gaze.

“Who- I- why did you get that impression?” You fumbled through your words and began fiddling with your robe.

“Oh, I…” he trailed off and you finally looked up, sensing his dejected tone you cocked your head.

“You sound disappointed.” Your tone was soft in an attempt to stop him from running away from the conversation.

“Disappointed? Darling if I wanted you I could most certainly have you.” Having returned to his snarky sense of security you frowned.

“Is that why you seem so annoyed? Because I rejected you before?” Your mind went back to drinking red wine with him, the sour taste filling your nose all over again. It wasn't that you didn't want him, you just didn't want the first time you could spend the night with him to be clouded with alcohol and regret. Maybe it had bruised his ego but there were so many reasons to try to let your bond grow overtime.

“You think that wounded me? I have laid with thousands and I'll lay with thousands more before I am hurt by that!” He exclaimed but you could see the hurt in his eyes that he struggled to hide.

“I didn't want it to be like that. Something that you might feel like was a mistake, a drunken mishap you'd rather forget. I didn't- I don't want you to think I did it because I did not want it. Under different circumstances things would have been different for me.” Clasping your hands together you tried to reach his gaze but it was so accusatory that it was making your heart pound.

“I- I don't think I've ever been rejected as tactfully as you did.” Astarion almost laughed with a far-away look in his eyes.

“It didn't feel genuine and I couldn't allow myself to be swept up in all of it knowing that we weren't on the same page with our feelings about one another.” Smiling sadly you looked at the book that had previously hit you in the face, pushing it to the side you moved a bit closer to him. “I'm sorry that you felt like you had to do that, that night I mean. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.”

“I'm not sure how you know me so well that it's almost concerning.” His voice sounded strained as he departed from his snarky performative notes.

“You've become my favourite distraction through all of this shit we've dealt with. I really like being around you, it will be a shame when it all comes to an end when we get to Baldurs Gate.” your voice didn't show your true sadness but your eyes certainly did and Astarion could tell.

“I was hidden for so many years within those city walls, imprisoned and kept as a loyal pet before the nautiloid. A grim reality was the only way to escape the even worse life I was living and… I never thought I'd make friends let alone feel connected to someone. But you, you're thoughtful and sweet and respectful and too perceptive for your own good but so silly and honestly so bad as hiding that it's hilarious. Finding someone who understands you is a great gift and I would not like to squander it.” Astarion reached out his hand and it shook slightly as he showed his true vulnerability. You looked from his hand to his face, it was genuine and really from everything you could gather, it seemed like he was being the most honest he'd ever been with you.

“You want to stay together?” Your voice was so hopeful as your head told you that you were an idiot.

“Yes. You fool. Was that not clear. Now hold my hand so we're not both fools.” He rolled his eyes and you hurriedly held his hand. Your clamminess was immediately obvious given his hand was ridiculously cold. “God you mortals are always sweaty aren't you.” He gave you a cheeky smile and you had to laugh or you'd descend into an anxiety ridden madness.

“Do you want to stay here tonight? I would enjoy a cuddle.” You asked.

“Just a cuddle Darling?” He flirted but there was still that look behind his eyes that was there after the tiefling party. The look you had come to understand was the dogma drilled into him to seduce, sleep with and then sacrifice all his conquests. Sex wasn't the same in Astarion's head as it was in yours but you didn't mind, it wasn't important to you.

“Just a cuddle.” You smiled in a way that you hoped was supportive and whilst he looked surprised he didn't seem disappointed. “Come here,” you lay down on the pillows and invited him to chest.

Whilst tentative he rested his head on your chest and slowly placed his hand on your arm. You without warning wrapped your arms around him in a squeeze of a hug that would probably suffocate someone who wasn't already dead. But he seemed to appreciate it as he nuzzled under your chin and his body began to relax. You stayed like that for a while until you began to snore and Astarion peeled himself from your embrace. He sat up and started to read, every so often glancing down at you. How an earth had he allowed himself to fall for a Wizard?

Astarion Taglist:

@anukulee

[lavender-romancer]

Starving

Astarion x (Durge) Reader

CW: angst, fluff, sexual tones

He needed you. But in his dark pit of starvation he feared he pushed you away past the point of return.

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You didn't seek love in Astarion no matter how much you wanted it. What would affection and adoration do for him when what he really needed was a friend, a confidante. Someone he would never think was using him. After so many years of abuse that violated his very understanding of intimacy and consent, you wouldn't dream of overstepping any boundary in existence. Trying to talk him off a metaphorical ledge of ostracism was more important than physical urges. He didn't need to feel alone or terrified someone would hurt him again. Whilst Astarion could easily protect himself, you decided that when he wasn't hiding in the shadows you would protect him from any enemy he came across.

After saving Faerûn the two of you had decided to live together, much to Astarions confusion, you wanted to stay close to him. Offer up your blood freely to him and create somewhere that felt safe for him. He was still plagued with nightmares, but you began reading deeper into alchemy to try and help him through his trances.

He never understood why you were so supportive of him. 200 years and he never met anyone so genuinely dedicated without expecting much in return. All you asked was that he wouldn't run away if they had an argument and that he wouldn't feed on any other people. It was simple and there was a deep rooted respect between the both of you no matter how much you flirted with one another, there was a boundary. It had never been crossed, he had never been touched without giving his consent, just as Astarion would never touch you or bite you without consent.

Why you had decided to help and live with him after everything that happened was beyond him. Why not Shadowheart? Or maybe Halsin? Even Gale would- Astarion had to stop himself in thought as he remembered how utterly boring he found Gale. He was much better company, even with a very slight fondness for the wizard, Gale was hardly a casual conversationalist. Mostly resorting to threats about hurling a fireball at someone or casually reminding everyone he was a walking bomb. No, Astarion was more fun. Maybe that was why you liked being around him? But he had become so comfortable with you, he found it so easy to talk about his past when the two of you would sit by the fire in your respective arm chairs and read.

Those moments in front of the crackling logs were monumentally special to him, he had no idea how to express his gratitude

You expected so little, asked for much less and respected him. Whenever he would make a mistake or break something he would immediately start profusely apologising, still mentally conditioned to expect a physical punishment regardless of remorse. But all you did was ask for his help to clean up the mess and you both moved on, you were two barely functioning adults but seemed to help one another. You still remembered little from your past, your childhood or anything in between but helping Astarion gave you a purpose that mattered. It was hard to focus on your own shortcomings when you had a whiny (bitchy) vampire to live with and help. But it worked. The two of you were trying to be normal and doubted that you could on your own.

Whilst the two of you had your own demons you were in a pact of some sorts, neither of you wanted to leave the other to deal with those demons alone. Your other companions were constantly confused by whatever your relationship was. Assuming it was romantic and sexual but, being even more confused upon finding out it wasn't. There was always a feeling something would happen between the two of you, but neither you, nor Astarion would admit it. Both of you too scared that you would lose the other forever if anything romantic happened.

“What wine would you like?” You asked, walking into the front room holding two bottles of red. Astarion was sitting in his armchair illuminated by the fire. The orange hue danced around the shadows of his face and it made you want to take him in your arms and never let go.

“Whatever is older, darling. Things do rather improve with age you know.” Astarion replied with a slight smirk and you rolled your eyes.

He couldn't take his eyes off you as you left, the way you leant against the doorway showed the curve of your stomach and hips. Astarion had to snap his brain out of it as he realised he was staring at the curve of your breasts as you turned to leave. Why was he so unbearably horny today? He supposed it was the night that he usually fed on you. Maybe his bloodlust created a different kind of lust all together? He had been admiring you like this for too long now, it couldn't be bloodlust that made his cock twitch and the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Sparing quick looks as you made a confused face when you were reading and got to a word you struggled with, he loved when you would ask for help so openly and without shame . It was something he desperately envied about your character. Your nose would sometimes scrunch up when he would tell you how to pronounce the word because apparently it was “stupid to have silent letters”. But recently, especially when he had been feeding on you, he couldn't stop wanting to touch you. He wanted to pull you close and never let you go, fuck you for hours and never leave your side.

“I made something for you. Well. Decanted I suppose.” You walked back into the front room with two goblets of wine and a vial of something tucked under your arm.

“What's that?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. After setting the goblets down you handed the vial to him. He already knew what it was before looking more closely, he could smell it. Your beautiful sweet blood.

“For your convenience.” You smiled down at Astarion but he didn't look best pleased. You thought this might be easier, at least for you. Everytime he fed on you all you wanted was to touch him, get some kind of friction because to your shame it made you so ridiculously aroused.

“When did you…” his voice trailed off and your palms began to sweat.

“Do you not like the idea?” You asked sheepishly, ready to snatch the vial back.

“Well, darling, the feeding process is a nice experience and it…” he was trying to find any words to retain the physical closeness you had whilst feeding. “Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you last time it happened?”

“What makes you ask that?” You sat down in the armchair adjacent to his.

“I…” He felt if he opened up that things would never be the same. So it was easier to close everything off again. “If you would like to change things I can go back to stalking other pretty things in the night.” He narrowed his eyes.

“Sometimes you're impossible. This is more convenient for when I'm not here or when I-”

“When you eventually leave, you mean.” The words crawled out of his mouth with such malice.

“I did not say that, Astarion. Stop acting like a child and communicate!” You yelled back as the heat rose into your face and your eyes began to prick.

“Oh shall I get on my knees and pray to the saint that has allowed me to exist with her blood? There are plenty of places I can get it if you won't offer up your neck for free!” He fired back, getting just as riled up.

“I'm freely giving you my fucking blood! I'm still giving it to you. What difference does it make? I try so hard. So fucking hard to make you feel secure and understood but you react to everything like a child!” You stood up and walked a few paces towards the fire with your back to him.

“I didn't realise I was such an inconvenience in your pretty little head.” Astarion almost laughed, a petty attempt to get a rise out of you when he was quickly running out of options to keep you close to him. You stayed quiet for a moment, one hand on your stomach, the other leaning on the mantle above the fire as if you were bracing yourself for the pain to follow.

“I just want the best for you. For our friendship and I…” your voice broke as you choked down the urge to sob.

“Yes, our precious friendship.” He sounded so vindictive that you wondered if he really cared about you at all.

“Do you not want it? Our friendship?” Your voice was so small and defeated.

“Oh, making me the bastard in this situation is just pathetic. After two hundred years of pure shit where I was always in the wrong and punished for it I don't want to hear it anymore!” He roared back at you. When he stood up you actually flinched, a fleeting thought crossed your mind that this was when he would ignore every warning and just drink you dry.

“I-” You tried to speak but you couldn't. All you wanted was to cry, just let it all out because the emotions were too much for you to carry anymore. The carnal desire you felt for him, the deep and earnest care you felt and the sense of responsibility for his well being. It always seemed that you were in control when really he held all the cards.

“Fucking hells.” Astarion muttered angrily before storming upstairs. You could finally sit back in your chair and cry.

Staring into the flames that usually brought you so much comfort but now, they just made you yearn for a life that was never lived. So long ago he said you were the only person he had ever truly cared about, that he would never hurt you and never leave your side. Those longing looks you'd steal when he'd laugh or the way you played into his flirting from the first day you met him. To this day you remembered nothing before the nautiloid, but, you knew Astarion. You knew he'd be there when you came home and would listen to your anxieties. He had always been in your life as far as you were concerned. So why had everything changed over something so ridiculous as the way you gave him your blood?

You pulled your knees up to your chest and sobbed, he wouldn't be there when you woke up and you knew it was all over. He's gone now, he's running away from your grasp and you'll never get him back no matter what you want from him- the voices in your head told you. You hit your forehead repeatedly trying to get them to shut up but they wouldn't subside. Why did you ever think he loved you? That he needed you for more than a pretty little snack? You wait around hoping he'll take more fucking interest in you when he wants nothing more than your beautiful blood. You should drain him of every drop in his body. It would serve him right, the decimation of a monster.

You wanted to scream. To pull out your brain and scrub out the voices, hurt yourself to a point where you would no longer care about what Astarion did to you. But how could any pain, any anguish overcome the love you felt for him? The Urge. The Urge was clawing it's way out of the depths of your psyche. How could it really be gone when it had penetrated every memory you currently held. You didn't know life without the torturous spasms and depraved thoughts. You thought they might end with the death of your butler but, no. The Urge was ever present.

The fire crackled and lit the shadows of the room, yet you couldn't feel its warmth as you sat cold and alone. He was your warmth, your sun, your stars. Whenever you spoke to him your day would be brighter and your head clearer. Seeing him would make you smile and make you feel safe. You cursed yourself, you should never have been so dependent.

He felt like shit. Utter shit. Why had he exploded like that? What was the point when you didn't do anything wrong, it was your neck he drank from and yet he felt some kind of authority? No, it was not his place nor his decision and he really did feel like the fucking idiot. As he was about to leave his room to apologise he heard it. The noise that haunted him whenever he heard it. Your sobs, that permeated into his soul and made his dead heart ache. He adored you so deeply that whenever it felt like you were pulling away he would double down on harshness. It made him feel in control of the situation because, if he was the first to leave then he won.

Astarion sat down quietly on the stairs. Wanting to wait till your sobs subsided but they seemed full of a sadness that would never subside. All you ever did was help him, try to find a way for him to walk in the sun, sate his bloodthirst and yet… sometimes in his irrational brain it felt like you were trying to find a way to fix him so you could leave. When he was broken you could fix him in a never ending loop. But as soon as he was put back together there was no reason for the two of you to exist together. He would never get to be close to you, never touch you or hear you laugh. But now, due to his own stupidity you would leave anyway but this time with hatred for him.

Just his luck that he would be turned into a monstrous vampire, be threatened with turning into a mindflayer but the true evil was always inside of him. It felt ridiculous when he pondered on it. He was so at home here with you, so comfortable and safe but it was never enough. The evil inside of him would always rise up and ruin everything around him.

He felt like such a fucking bastard to make you cry. Make you feel so lonely that you would feel the need to cry, which you rarely did. Once or twice in the many years you'd known one another he had held you as you cried. Whispered words of support and affirmation as he held you close, it was such a rarity that he reminisced on those moments more than he cared to admit. Being able to be a comfort to you was ridiculously cathartic for him.

For centuries he had been a death sentence to everyone he got close to. Cazadors favourite errand boy, collecting lost pretty souls for him to gorge his ascension depravity on. He would never overcome that guilt, not that he should- it was his cross to bear. But being your comfort, your home… it made it all less soul crushing. When Astarion was with you he felt worthy, like he had a purpose to be your protector when you were really his. He felt safe and respected and if he ruined that then maybe he deserved to step into the sun.

Deciding it would be better if he slipped away quietly he waited for your sobs to subside. Suspecting you were asleep he crept down the stairs and stayed to the back wall, hoping to avoid his shadow being plastered on the wall in front of you.

“Is this it then?” You said quietly and it surprised even Astarion that his hiding skills had become so lax of late.

“What?” Was all he could say, bewildered at why you would care if he would leave.

“Is this it? Are you leaving me?” You slowly stood up and faced him, your eyes still watering.

“I thought it might be easier if I left when I thought you were asleep. It appears my hiding deficiency needs some serious attention.” He tried to smile and make some joke to thinly veil his panic.

“Please. Don't, Astarion.” You took one step closer to him and he wasn't sure if you were referring to him leaving or the poorly timed joke. The silence continued into what felt like hours to him. Having no clue what the right response would be, he could only remain quiet and hope that you wouldn't tell him to leave.

“Do you want to leave?” You asked, looking down at the floor and trying to hide the very clear tears in your eyes.

“I- if it would be best for you then I will.” Astarion was teetering between each foot, one closer to you and the other closer to the door. Maybe if he left now it would all be less painful, he could learn to forget you. But if he stayed, what if you grew to hate him? He couldn't survive it.

“But do you want to leave?” You asked again, surprised by your pleading tone.

“I don't know.” Was all he said and it was enough for you to lose all hope, you wanted to cry until it hurt but it wasn't fair on him. If he wanted to leave then you shouldn't be restricting him.

“If this is the last time I ever see you, I'm sorry. I thought I was doing the best thing for our friendship because I couldn't remain your friend and-” You interrupted yourself, because it wasn't fair to practically guilt trip him.

“In all the time I have known you, you have only made decisions to better others. But, what do you want?” Astarion turned to fully face you, no longer edging towards the door.

All you wanted to say was that you wanted him. You just wanted him, in whatever form that would take it didn't matter as long as he stayed. You could remain friends, though you'd always crave more but, it was better than never seeing him again.

“I want,” you paused, pondering on a response that wouldn't send him running away into the night. “I want you to be happy.” Astarion looked at the floor and smiled.

“My ever generous confidante. That can't be the only thing you desire, the only thing that you want. My happiness is inconsequential compared to your own.” He wanted to reach out, show that you didn't have to worry about him. Prove that he could stand on his own without needing you but he wasn't so sure it was true. The constant insecurities he had were only amplified by the possibility that you would see his shortcomings and push him away.

“Inconsequential? How can you even consider that? I care about you more than myself sometimes and I don't see it as a weakness. We support one another, help one another and what is the point of any of this if I have to pretend that something matters more to me than your happiness? You have no idea how important you are, how loved.” You said it without thinking and the fear was evident in your eyes to Astarion as he had the same look on his own face.

As much as he wanted your adoration, your love? It absolutely terrified him. Was it all just bloodlust? Was he using you as some willing blood bag? If he stopped feeding on you at any point would it all fade away into nothingness and he'd realise none of it was love, it was his insatiable hunger? The silence between the two of you felt cursed, the one to break it would have to be a stronger man than he was because he was too scared to say a word. Rooted in place, not able to flee because of that look in your eyes. He couldn't leave whilst you looked so terrified, he had an urge to take you in his arms. But he didn't, he stayed in place

“Astarion?” You sounded terrified.

“Your life would be so much easier without me.” He sounded so genuinely exasperated, unable to understand why you would want him in your life. His eyes welled up and he looked so beautiful in the light of the fire and, you couldn't help but feel more drawn to him.

“And?” You replied, more determined than ever to prove how you cared for him.

“That's all you have to say?” He asked and you nodded, it elicited a laugh from him that sounded hollow and yet relieved.

“You make my life better. It feels enriched and happy, you are the only person who calms me and comforts me. The only one I am completely comfortable with, the only one I want to be around this much.” you held one of his hands tentatively.

“You’re shaking, darling.” Astarion softly told you, leading you to your armchair and sitting you down.

“If your only reason is that it is better for me, please stay. I want you to stay here with me and we can carry on as we always have and-” he stopped you mid sentence putting a hand up.

“I don't think we can continue as we always have my darling.” He let out a sigh and you dug your nails into the arm of the chair.

“Then…what do we do?” You asked, still feeling like you were shaking and feeling even more pathetic by the minute.

“I mean, I don't know how any of this works, what comes next or what you exactly want from me.” whilst he couldn't reach your gaze he didn't seem upset.

“Well what do you want from me?” Your voice was strained and anxious, you were so completely convinced he would tell you that he wanted space from you.

“More, more than this. I don't… how the hells do you do all of this?” He sounded a mixture of happy and confused.

“Slowly. If that's what you want, it's not exactly that much of a transition from how we were. Less longing glances and more actual contact I suppose? I haven't ever had a companionship. Well, if I have it's before I lost my memory so this is… intimidating.” Your eyes flicked from the floor to Astarions anxiously.

“I don't remember ever having it either. We really are the weirdos of our odd little group aren't we. Even La'zel has probably had a companion. Losing to La'zel when it comes to romance is not something I plan on continuing.” Astarion held your hand tighter, looking up into your eyes.

“I care about you, so much.” You placed a hand on his cheek and he leant into it.

“Stop being so nice to me. Makes me feel like a good person. Ugh.” Astarion mocked disgust but you knew he loved the praise.

“Only leave me if you want to. Will you promise me that?” your thumb stroked across his cheek and you saw a single tear fall across your hand.

“Darling, I will never want to leave you, and the fact that you willingly give me a choice makes it clearer that I want to stay with you.” Astarion pulled your hand up to his face and kissed the back of it before hugging you around your stomach. Leaning his head on your lap. You finally relaxed and stopped shaking, stroking his hair in the firelight, you both existed in perfect happiness.

[lavender-romancer]

Hi so this is so random, but I've just finished reading Tired of You and I was overwhelmed. Still am actually. This must be the best thing I have read, ever. I actually have a friend that has mental issues but I never knew what to do or say, because I didn't really understand. Now I realize that everybody experiences it differently and that everbody has different issues and lives in different situations, but this just made me realize what power thoughts have. So thank you, amazingly gut wrenchin

Took me so long to look at my inbox and see this but omg, I'm so glad! I wanted a story that was like an outlet for feelings about mental health and this series felt perfect for it so I'm so glad that it came across as intended. It's so heartwarming to know it had a positive effect <3

[lavender-romancer]

Ah wait btw um just the fool series ^_^ I didn’t realise you also wrote for fem reader

- @mortitian-writing

Yeah!!

I take requests for anything but mostly wrote my own ideas because I don't get that many requests so if you wanna requests anything for fem/masc reader lemme know :)

[lavender-romancer]

— so I'll die there under you (every night, all night)

› astarion x reader

› wc: 1k+

› a/n: tysm dal @dhampling for the idea and direct inspiration for this via your preachers daughter prompt list <3 ilysm

warnings : grief, graphic violence, heartbreak, mention of suicide, blood, death, betrayal, compulsion, lemme know if I missed anything but yea this isn't happy in the slightest sorry

He likes to pretend you got away. That you simply broke free that night, bravery pounding thick and hot through your veins, as you fled in the night, swallowed by the dark never turning your back. It gives him a sense of pride for a flash of a second, because if anyone could survive he would hope it was you. If anyone had the tenacity and the cleverness it was you.

Even though he knows your bones are most likely moldering in some hole on the property, or buried in a pauper's grave inside the cemetery. Disgraced and forgotten by all but him.

It wasn't what you deserved.

It wasn't what he deserved.

The dormitory was oddly quiet as morning crept in, a rare moment he could steal for himself while sleep curled at the edges of his vision like a cat snuggling up to his lap. Exhaustion made his eyelids heavy, and he could feel the burn in his irises begging him to slip away into the sirens arms of rest but he stubbornly refused.

Even in reverie his memory of you doesn't quite do you justice. There was a time, in the first few months, he took any desperate opportunity he could to dip into those recollections because at least you were alive inside his head, your laugh just as real as it always was while you snagged his pinky in yours. The weight of your hand still felt solid in his. Steadfast.

Turning on his side to face the wall a little scoff escapes his lips, choking into the phantom of a wobbly sob. He never cried for you because he felt as if it would disrespect you. The knife doesn't weep for the neck it's been plunged into, after all. But you never held him like a knife, the only one in more than two centuries. You held him the way devotees hold their holy relics, and the memory of it makes him shove his knuckles against his lips to keep from wailing.

The feeling of his own fangs slicing into the skin, grating against bone, is an anchor against the tides of grief beating against his undead heart.

You never begrudged nor blamed him for the things his hands and body had done. The hands that stole and murdered and manipulated you kissed every fingertip of. The lips that had lied and cheated and insulted you mapped with your own tongue, committing him to memory. The body that had not belonged solely to its occupant...

He doesn't let himself indulge in those particular memories. Even inside reverie they remain shielded by a wall of the thickest ice, warped and indistinguishable no matter how hard one tries peering through it. It's better that way, easier. And he hates himself yet again for always treading the easier path but knows you also wouldn't blame him for it.

And that makes it worse. He wishes you were a spectre of some sort, malignant and malicious, because torment of that kind he can understand and he can respond to it. This silent self flagellation is infinitely more grueling, his own mind punishing him with lash after lash isn't something as easily quelled. For a moment he could laugh, being a phantom never would've been your style anyway. You were far too forgiving, far too loving.

As evidenced by the way you adored the beast that would kill you.

That first night began as nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. You had been in Elfsong, drunk off the company of others more than by whatever was in your cup. He'd watched you for far longer than he cared to admit, envying the carefree way you moved and spoke, the way every piece of you screamed self assuredness and freedom of spirit.

You were so beautiful it made his chest ache, a dull throbbing pain as he couldn't tear his eyes away from you.

When your eyes had landed on him he saw the familiar attraction cross your features and as easily as slipping on a jacket he donned the part of seductive stranger. Somehow though it didn't fool you, and as your eyes searched his with every honeyed word flowing from his lips he'd grown more and more fidgety. It was unnerving, as if his skin had suddenly become translucent and someone was now peeking into the rotten depths of him.

Nevertheless he kept going, fool that he was. You let him palm your lower back, dip his head to whisper against the shell of your ear the familiar lines that always had someone stumbling over themselves to jump into bed with him.

But you met his smirk with a twin one, lips so close to his they could touch as you spoke. It made his lungs burn with a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

Do those lines work on everyone?

Oh how your eyes had sparkles with mischief and challenge, and if his heart still worked it would've been hammering hard enough to burst from his chest, splattering viscera across the wood floors.

And gods your laugh. The way you'd tipped your head back and laughed from low in your body at the shocked look on his face. He should've been insulted but he couldn't muster up the feeling, if anything hearing that sound had made him want to grab your face and plunge his tongue down your throat. Find the source of it and hoard it for himself, hear it ring out for all his days.

That night you'd grabbed his hand, lacing your scorching fingers through his frigid ones, and tugged him out the door in a whirlwind. But you hadn't been leading him to a bedchamber romp, instead you tugged him along through side streets and alleys all the way to the back stairwell of Flymms Cargo.

It was so bizarre and bewitching he'd been powerless to do anything but let you drag him along, chattering all the while about showing him something more gorgeous than anything he'd find in your bed. The recollection makes him smile, lips bloody against his shredded knuckles. How you underestimated yourself.

But true to your word you had climbed atop the roof and told him to gaze out across the harbor. In that silence as both of you stared across the water, so black it was like someone had tipped crates of ink into it, and he felt the wind move through his hair and the way your fingers squeezed his. You turned to him with a smile, whispering about how you were going to cross that sea, going to fling your arms out and embrace whatever was waiting for across the other side.

The Gate had its charms but in a world so vast it would be criminal to shackle yourself to one spot, that's what you told him.

Your next words had his eyes blown wide, considering you irrevocably insane yet feeling like he never wanted to part from you. As if he was always destined to stand on this roof with you and hear the words cross your lips.

I only just learned your name yet I want to ask if you'd come with me.

You'd giggled again at the absurdity of it, but he felt rooted to the spot while the word yes clawed and scratched at his insides like a frantic little beast thrashing against a cage. It felt like providence, like being blasted by divine flame. As if, after two hundred years of screaming and pathetic bargains, a god finally decided to answer him.

The thought now makes him wince. If anything one of them had decided to dangle something so precious in front of him only to snatch it away, remind him he existed to be crushed beneath the heel of a boot and nothing more. He hoped whatever rotten bastard it was choked on it for eternity.

Some nights he still lurks up there, on that dingy cargo warehouse roof, to feel the breeze off the water and to imagine he can hear your voice drifting with it from some ship out there. He likes fantasizing that you fulfilled that longing you told him about in those months, and that in those remote places you were having the adventure you craved so badly. That you would write to him of all the incredible things you saw and the people you met. That you would tell him you loved him, missed him.

He met you night after night from then on, so exhilarated and giddy he still has no idea how he kept it hidden for so long. Well, it's more apt to say how long his master let him believe he had the secret of you clutched close to his chest. It was a unique cruelty, letting him have such bliss and roll around in fanciful daydreams with you until the fateful night his orders shifted.

In that loathsome little bed he shakes recalling it, trembles flowing down his spine and out through his ribs as he squeezed his eyes shut against the stream of memory. His body had acted mechanically, seeking you out and vomiting words like bile. Words that weren't his own, words that he tried so hard to snatch back but was helpless in the face of compulsion.

To your credit you knew something was wrong, thanks to all the nights spent stolen away together you could see the reckless fear in his eyes. But still you followed him. How he wanted to scream at you to go, run for a ship in the harbor and leave that night plans be damned if it meant saving your life. But hopeless little fool you were, you remained stubborn. Telling him in no uncertain words that you'd get him out of this, fight or bargain or both. That even if he couldn't board a ship you two would still pave your road away from here.

So you let yourself be led by the hand of a friend, a lover, to the proverbial gallows.

It would've been a kindness if his master had simply demanded you be brought to him like every other had. If you'd just been reduced to a meal maybe it would've hurt less. Haunted him less.

Instead he was armed with daggers, facing you as bleak realization cracked across your face in that half dark study. There would be no bargaining. Only his masters gleeful smile watching his spawn gut the idiotic little thing that dared believe they would be the exception. That had dared convince him he could be the exception.

His breathing becomes ragged, too fast, as everything plays out behind his eyelids for the thousandth time. How you hadn't moved to strike him, not at any point did you even consider it. Your hands had only tried gripping his forearms, tried struggling to wrench the blades from his grip as you said again and again that it was okay.

He wanted more than anything to be angry with you for that. The righteous sort of anger that cleaved mountains and leveled cities. How could you look your attacker in the eyes and say that it was okay? That you didn't blame him, it wasn't his fault no matter what happened.

It's not your fault Astarion.

Even as he jammed that blade into your stomach, rivulets of your blood running like little streams in the cracks of the woodwork on the floor, pooling into their own oceans. Hot flecks of blood spatter clinging to his skin, his hair. How the hilt had become slippery with it, his grip faltering even though his body wouldn't cease its pursuit of his orders. The feeling of the blade sliding through flesh as easily as water.

Even then you had said the same thing as he sobbed like a broken child, the past months flashing through his head and he couldn't even say he loved you. The words simply weren't allowed to be spoken freely.

But you spoke them enough for two.

I love you.

Blood bubbling in the corners of your mouth as your breath came in forceful squeezes.

It's not your fault.

Glassy eyes, unfocused, looking past him. Through him.

Everything is okay.

He presses his face into the pillow, fingers twisting into the sheets so hard they should have shredded in his grasp. The scream, a primal thing of abject agony, nearly kills him to hold in but he knows he must. He wishes it would kill him. Wishes he had the ability to kill himself, would do it in the blink of an eye if it meant he could hold your hand in his again. Hear those words again in that silvery lilt of yours.

The fabric is damp and hot against his skin, tears and whimpering breaths smothered across it.

Instead he has to be content with this piecemeal recollection of you until so many years pass the features of your face lose their definition. Until he catches himself unable to remember what your voice, it's cadence and lilt, actually sounded like.

Until all he's left with is the vague knowledge that once, forever and a day ago, he had met a little wildling who had given him the sweetest daydreams and stolen tendernesses.

It's with that thought that Astarion sinks into a restless sleep, akin to a ship swallowed by the sea as she takes on too much water to withstand.

[lavender-romancer]

Fools

Part Four

Tommy Shelby x male reader

CW: internalised homophobia, sexual themes

You always felt that you were hiding or running from deep inside of you, this feeling that you weren't like other men around you. When you met Tommy it made sense but how could you explore these feelings?

AN: Tommy is not married to Lizzie and Ruby does not exist

”*°•.˜”*°•. ˜”*°•. ˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜

previous part

You woke up to Tommy sitting at the desk in your hotel room shirtless with his trousers laying unbuttoned on his hips. After stretching you pulled on your briefs and draped on your unbuttoned shirt from the night before before walking over to Tommy. You rested your hands on his shoulders and kissed the top of his head. He leant the side of his head on your hand and sighed.

"I missed you." Tommy whispered and you smiled.

"You should have woken me up." You lent your chin on the top of his head and stroked up and down his bare bicep.

"And miss out on your weird sleep talking? No chance." Tommy smirked and you hit his arm playfully.

"I'll make sure my next lot of sleep talking discusses how I want to kill you." You stood up and sat down on the bed before taking off your shirt. "Come here." You said softly, Tommy turned around and pushed a hand through his hair before walking over to the bed. You lit a cigarette and rose up onto your knees so you were nearly face to face with Tommy. You took a drag of your cigarette and then leant forward and kissed Tommy, blowing the smoke into his mouth. He inhaled and exhaled out of his mouth, continuing to kiss you deeply as he cradled your face. When you drew apart you couldn't help but smirk at the surprised look on Tommy's face.

"I demand you live with me as long as you're in Birmingham so you can do that again." Tommy took hold of your throat and squeezed it slightly causing you to close your eyes. But as soon as he had held it he let go and you looked at him with an offended expression. "Got to leave you wanting more." Tommy smiled and you rolled your eyes.

The two of you left the hotel room a few hours later and headed for Tommy's office to try to complete some actual work. This whole situation seemed genuinely fucking insane. You couldn't touch him but just looking across the back car seat and seeing his angelic face was enough to convince you it had all been a dream. Maybe you didn't need heaven if you could have Tommy. Things began to change around a week later.

Tommy invited you to his office for a business meeting about investment margins and whilst you were excited to see him you both needed to set up a legitimate face between the two businesses. You sat in the chair outside Tommy's office as his secretary called the number to his office but his phone was engaged.

"Shouldn't be too much longer." She smiled at you.

Whilst you tried to rationalize that it would just be a random business phone call you couldn't help your brain running with the idea he had some else. She got up and knocked on Tommy's office door, letting herself in and closing the door behind. They spoke for a few moments before she exited and opened the door for you.

"Who was on the phone cutting into my meeting time?" You asked in a joking tone and Tommy wouldn't meet your eyeline.

"Oh, no one." He replied before changing the subject completely and discussing profit margins and projected earnings.

But you couldn't let it go. Or at least your involuntary thoughts wouldn't let it go. You'd much rather side with your rational thoughts but they rarely won internal arguments.

As you returned home that day, you looked over the investment plans you and Tommy had agreed on but it felt false. Not too long ago you held him in your arms as he cried, now you were back to being partners in business. Every minute all you could think about was the softness of his skin and how his lips felt, you were getting hard just thinking about him. This was… maybe not bad, but it definitely wasn't good. What would you do without someone like him? You needed some time away from the city, away from the noise so you could just think.

The following day you were traveling to the Peak District just outside of Sheffield to stay with your friend May Carleton. You had known one another for a great deal of time and her country manor felt like the perfect escape that you needed to talk about Tommy. Over the whole journey you tried to keep yourself busy, reading the paper, doing the crossword in the Times. Anything to keep your mind straying to the man you were ever so slightly falling for. You forgot if you'd ever wanted anyone else by this point, they were distant memories of a life you no longer wanted. Tommy sometimes felt like an entity that would pass through your life, his beautiful eyes tearing away from you as he decided he wanted someone else.

"It's so wonderful to see you!" May exclaimed as you walked up to the grand doors of the mansion.

"I've missed you dearly." You hugged her closely and she took your hand.

"Leave that all here, it can be taken to your room, I have something to show you." She smiled broadly and pulled you after her.

The two of you walked into the gardens to a little stone alcove that had been built into the side of the building, with ivy and roses growing all the way up. It was surrounded by flowers you'd never seen before.

"Isn't it beautiful, my gardener is positively the best in England, he had sees brought over from the Caribbean, it's some seasonal plant there but he's somehow kept them alive." She crouched down and delicately held her hand underneath the vibrant flower.

"May, your wealth is unmatched." You laughed and she stood up, brushing off her skirt.

"Oh I know. But what am I supposed to do, I have all this land and no one to share it with. Unless you're planning on staying a while?" She prompted.

"If you'll have me I will stay as long as the sun lasts here. I need fresh air so desperately by this point." You sighed and May reached for your hand.

"What beastly man has hurt you this time, my love?" She asked.

"I'll tell you later, now, walk me round these gardens before I do it myself." You linked her arm and she started walking you through the flower garden.

Thomas was sexually frustrated to a point that felt ridiculous. But his shame was beginning to overpower his mind, when you were due to be in a meeting with him, he had called a former female lover and arranged to meet. He usually did this every couple months, with someone he knew or a whore. Tommy had to prove to himself what he was because he never believed it. All he did was follow pleasure, try to center that and forget about the gender of the other person. But it was impossible to not hyperfocus on the fact that he loved having sex with men, with you. But that was unacceptable to him. Regardless of his careless attitude, he couldn't even accept the fact he might be a homosexual let alone live with that fact. Trying to prove his own brain was wrong was generally at the forefront of his mind.

Most of the time he was disgusted by himself, by his urges and his fantasies. The more he thought about it, the more distressed he was. Sitting in his office at home he lay back in his chair, hands clasped on his chest as he looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. Why was love so hard for him to have? What was so unrelentlessly cruel was that Tommy constantly fought his urges and tried to be the man his father told him to be, but then people like you showed up in his life. Men that he couldn't stop thinking about, men that made him question his moral fiber, his existence on this planet. If anything about his secret life was revealed, everything would be over. His life, his business, his family name. Everything Thomas had worked for decades to achieve would disappear as he started a prison sentence, leaving his family to pick up the pieces left behind him. He couldn't do that to them, he couldn't allow all of this to be corrupted and twisted because of his idiotic choices. Once he settled down with a new wife and more children this could all be put to bed.

As he looked at the ceiling, the wallpaper didn't swirl into images of you anymore. They swirled into an image of darkness and despair which felt like it was surrounding Tommy. This thick, dark mass engulfed his body and he choked on it. Not realising he was sobbing. He put a hand up to his throat and it shook, he felt like he couldn't breath. That the thought of losing you and what this meant to him would make him collapse. His heartbeat was getting quicker and quicker and he couldn't stop it. All he could see in his mind was you not being there, the very absence of you made him panic. His eyes darted around the room for something, anything that could stop the darkness around him.

You were his fucking person. But you just couldn't be, he wouldn't allow it. All he could see now through his tears was how you looked when you spoke to him, your smiles and the way your eyebrows moved when you were confused. The ways that you talked to him, the familiarity that couldn't be bought because the connection was real. Tommy had never cried in front of someone for as long as he could remember but that vulnerability felt so second nature when he was with you.

But both of you knew this couldn't last forever, there was always a glint of sadness in your eyes. Both of you knew this feeling of disappointment, how you were both tired of feeling this way. No matter how much you cared for one another or felt yourself loving one another you would never be able to sleep next to one another, at least not when being walked in on was a possibility. You would always belong to one another in some ways. But as Tommy ran his hands down his face and finally snapped out of the black mist, he realised that it didn't matter.

"So who's this mystery man?" May asked with a smile as you sat down in the drawing room with some tea.

"I can't say. This is my only veto so far, so you can respect it." You smiled and she rolled her eyes.

"Fine. But what is he like?" She probed.

"If you'd ever met him you would never know he was like me, or that he's incredibly vulnerable. It's strange, he trusts me inexplicably." You stared are the table not noticing your smile.

"Someone's smitten." She laughed and you couldn't help but laugh too because she was right.

“You must have a man in your life,” you smiled at her.

“Of sorts. I wouldn't say I quite have him yet but I intend to.” May took a bite of one of the biscuits laid out neatly on the floral china.

“Well you have to tell me more now.” Leaning in, you were prepared to hear about some awful bachelor but, the more she spoke the more the feeling of dread rose in your throat.

She had spoken about this man before. Not by name but you figured it out all the same, he was sleeping with her? Or at the very least showing her affection you wished was only for you. Of course it was only a matter of time, May was wonderful and had the plus of being absolutely stinking rich. How could Tommy resist? When she was seemingly so enthralled with him and he was so enthralled with power. But still, you felt foolish. A slither of your hopeful mind held out that he might only want you, that losing his wife was a good reason to be a bachelor. Why oh why did you do this to yourself?

“Darling?” May put a hand on your knee with concern in her eyes. “I hope I haven't upset you.” She knew your struggles with love and the lack thereof.

“I- I think I've just realised that we're uhm… talking about the same man.” Your eyes clearly displayed your terror as you sat awkwardly with your leg bouncing anxiously.

“Really, are you sure? But he didn't seem… well to put it delicately my dear. He didn't seem like you.” May looked genuinely disheartened with a hint of pity in her eyes. You hated it. Pity was a cancer, once it festered it was almighty difficult to remove it.

“I don't know what to say.” You were shifting uncomfortably, urging yourself to stand and leave but you couldn't quite do it. Realising that it had probably been May who Tommy spoke to on that phone call a few days ago.

“Are you sure?” She asked again and your malicious side considered telling her all the sexual exploits of you and Tommy.

“I am.” You replied sadly.

“I don't believe it. I can't,” she stood up and walked over to the window, her back to you. “We've been together as well.” That gave you a stabbing feeling in your stomach.

“Ah, that complicates things.” It was hard to not sound destroyed by this admission from May.

“Yes, I should say so. God, this is ridiculous.” She rubbed her forehead and sighed.

“Do you love him?” The question scared you more than it should. You didn't love Tommy, you thought you could love him but would you really stand in the way of May's happiness?

“Do you?” She turned, her mouth set in a displeased frown.

“Not yet.” It was a stupid answer but you felt like you were losing any possible advantage you could have had in this conversation.

“But you intend to? A man who will never be honest with himself about his emotions, let alone you?” May took a step in your direction, you hung your head.

“May, I'm used to it. You can call me idiotic but it's not something that concerns me.” The fidgeting got worse and you felt like your whole body was trembling.

“And he knows this, does he? Is he aware of the anguish that you are willing to put yourself through?” She sounded more concerned than angry now and it only made you feel worse. That stabbing feeling felt like it was twisting into your abdomen with irreversible damage.

“We care about one another and that is enough for me.” Eyes growing wet and foggy, you wanted to leave. Hoping to never have this conversation you chose to ignore it was happening.

“I cant- I… this is too much.” She walked past you, heading for the door.

“Do you love him?” You asked in a burst of confidence neither of you expected-you were usually the meek one of the two of you.

“And what difference would that make to this conversation, Darling?” May looked back at you with equally glassy eyes. She was too protective of you to be angry about the right things.

After leaving the room she didn't return, you waited for what felt like a long while before returning to your adopted bedroom in the house and flopping forward onto the bed. What in God's name was going on? It felt like a poorly written snuff piece in a broadsheet you'd tut at for being so idiotic. You had to get back to Birmingham, doubting that May would want to see you again at least for now. Did he know that you both knew each other? He must have known, Tommy not knowing something would be more surprising to you than otherwise.

You left not too long after your conversation with May, it felt a tad juvenile but you were jealous. Not so much that he had been sleeping with someone else at the same time as you, it was the fact that he didn't tell you. You assumed he trusted you after revealing what must be his best kept secret. It wasn't unrealistic for your lover to have a wife or a female companion. Usually for show. But this… was it more than for show? Did he truly care for May? It left you feeling unsettled more than anything. This feeling of attachment was so unfamiliar considering interactions with past lovers had lasted maybe a month or so. It was odd to crave someone's undivided attention.

Peaky blinders taglist:

@queenofkings1212 @severewobblerlightdragon @cl5369 @fairypitou @stressedandbandobessed7771 @shadow-of-wonder @hipsternoionlylikeunicorns @curled-hair-red-lips @lucystivinsky1315

Series taglist:

@denzellovehazelnuts @edgyboi10000

@strnqer @arsoniscommited @flynnr2d2

[lavender-romancer]

Masterlist Pages Links

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

♡ Hogwarts Legacy/ Harry Potter

♡ Peaky Blinders

♡ Star Trek

♡ Vikings

♡ Umbrella Academy

♡ Miscellaneous TV Characters

♡ Miscellaneous Film Characters

[lavender-romancer]

Peaky Blinders Masterlist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

Tommy Shelby

Dalmatian

♡ You've been giving Tommy lovbites

Comforter

♡ Tommy loves when you stroke his hair

Falling

♡ Tommy has to leave you and he cant bear it

Affair

♡ You had an affair with tommy before the war

Lavender

♡ You’d known this family for around 10 years and been Tommy’s wife for almost 6. Even after two kids, you still feared for his life every day

Our Terrible Love

♡ Trying to compare yourself to Grace was a losing battle

Your Kinks Are Weirder Than Mine

♡ You and Tommy enjoy making fun of eachother but especially when it comes to your sexual tastes

Supernatural

♡ Tommy doesn't know how to live on without Grace and he had begun seeing her again

Heartbeat

♡ Your marriage with Tommy has been turbulent recently, the prominence of betrayal and loneliness in the union takes a toll on your connection.

Loving Girl

♡ You’ve always known you would be a better partner for Tommy, after Grace died you had to reassess your motivations for being close to Tommy because he needed a friend more than ever before

Best Made Plans

♡ You and Tommy are both 16 and sneaking out to get drunk seems like the most imprtant thing

The Bug Collector

♡ Tommy's obsession with thinking something was always out to get him manifests in an irrational fear

Say It

♡ Your final early morning in bed together before Tommy plans to go to Miquelon Island and kill Michael

Fools

Male Reader

♡ There was a secret you had always kept about yourself, only giving yourself to strangers and being yourself in the shadows. You were a fool to think that anything but hurt feelings and betrayal would be the result

One Two Three Four

I'd Do Anything

♡ You met when you were sixteen and from there your lives ebbed and flowed closer and further away from one another but there was always something that brought you together.

One Two Three Four Five

Crosses on my Body

♡ You were a nun in Dublin but when you decided to take action against those in powerful positions in the church you had to escape. When you turn up in Birmingham and begin a relationship with Tommy Shelby will he be able to protect you from your past?

One Two Three Four Five Six

Deceiver

♡ You’ve been involved with the Peaky Blinders business for a few years now, undiscovered as a woman posing as a man. Now the Shelby boys have grown suspicious of you and want you found out.

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

Tired of me

♡ Neither of you are strong enough to talk about your problems in your marriage, you coexist in a state of sleepless nights and last chances but can any of that change when you start visiting a therapist?

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight

Remembering Sunday

♡ retired

♡ A recollection of your life from th moment you met Tommy Shelby

One Two Three

Ruthless

♡ retired

♡ Your marriage with Thomas is breaking

One Two Three Four

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Arthur Shelby Jr.

Wavy

♡ You’re at a club in London that Shelby’s trash and end up smoking weed with Arthur

Missed Plans

♡ Arthur promised he would be there for the dinner you had planned but when he doesn’t turn up you decide to tell him some unexpected news

Crush

♡ You’ve always liked Arthur but admitting your feelings to him felt too intimidating to follow through on 

Love Me

♡ You and Arthur are deeply in love but your great beauty makes Tommy question your motives to wanting to get close to the family

We Don't Talk Anymore

♡ Completed

♡ You and Arthur were deeply in love but you couldn’t handle the disfunction of the relationship made it break down and it had to end, when you see eachother again it’s horrifically painful

one two

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

Finn Shelby

Meant To Be

♡ You and Finn have been extremely close from a young age and he’s always had feelings toward you but he didn’t know if he was quite prepared for those feelings to be unearthed 

Take Care

♡ You stumble upon an injured man on your walk home, you help him clean up and he’s more interesting than you expected

I Loved You

♡ You and Finn were previously in love but now you’re gone and Finn has to ponder over his feeling

Date

♡ You and Finn have some sweet moments

My Escape

♡ You work extremely hard at your studies and with strict parents breathing down your back being in a relationship with Finn Shelby brought the chaos you craved in our life

Drabbles

I.

♡ “stop being so cute”

♡ “just smile, I really need to see you smile right now”

II.

♡ “I knew you didn’t want me”

♡ “Why does everybody love you?”

♡

BloodFlows

♡ Retired

♡ You've known Finn for years and as your relationship became more romantic, it also became more toxic

one two three four

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

John Shelby

Teenage Sweethearts

♡ You’ve grown up with the Shelby family being near you constantly and were the closest to John for years until he met Martha

Blind Date

♡ You and John have both been set up on blind dates but you don’t realise it’s with each other 

Stay With Me

♡ You've been having an affair with John and now you're badly injured

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

Reader Shelby

♡ This section includes fics where you are a Shelby sibling or one of their children

You're John's eldest daughter and you're hurting

♡ John’s daughter is hurting and he hasn’t been awake enough to realize, she’s vulnerable and needs his help

The reader is the youngest Shelby

♡ You’re the youngest of the Shelby family and you’re annoyed 

Arthur is your single Dad with PTSD

♡ After your mother died Arthur struggled with parenting you, he had no one to lean on, no one to blame for his mind, and no way to support you through your childhood 

He Wasn't There

♡ Might continue

♡ Alfie Solomons x Reader

♡ You’ve grown up without a father figure, your mother died when you were young and it’s only when you get thrown out of your Aunt’s house in London that you start looking for the man by the name of Shelby

one two three four five six

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

Alfie Solomons

Birmingham Lass, Camden Girl

♡ You may hold loyalty to the Shelbys of Birmingham but a visit to Camden makes you think slightly differently 

The Problem

♡ You’ve known Alfie since you were both sixteen and both you love the other but when business gets in the way who’s the problem?

Sunset

♡ Alfie x Jewish Reader

♡ You get employed as Alfie's secretary for him to show off at parties but soon your connection becomes more than that

one two three four five six

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆. ───

Michael Gray

Home Late

♡ Michael promised he’d be home early to be able to spend some time with you but he didn’t show up when he should have however he found a way to make it up to you 

Almost Lover

♡ imaging a life without him was inescapably hard but you couldn’t go back, you couldn’t give in 

I'm Fine, Thanks

♡ You’ve always known how to fight but meeting Michael Gray when you’re in one wasn’t what you were expecting 

Just a Girl

♡ Michael has had a crush on you for a while and he keeps asking you out to no avail meanwhile Isaiah is finding it very entertaining 

Marriage Story

♡ You’re about to get married to the love of your life but there is only one problem with that... you despise weddings 

one two

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Peaky Blinders Taglist

@queenofkings1212 @severewobblerlightdragon @cl5369 @fairypitou @stressedandbandobessed7771 @shadow-of-wonder @hipsternoionlylikeunicorns @curled-hair-red-lips @lucystivinsky1315

[lavender-romancer]

Harry Potter// Hogwarts Legacy Masterlist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Sebastian Sallow

I. Burden // II. Blurry Eyes

Can be read together or separately

♡ Five years after leaving Hogwarts, after ruining everything, he was drunk on your doorstep trying to fix what he had broken.

♡ You never thought you would see your old love, Sebastian, again. Now that he had returned to your life, you knew the hole in your heart had always been shaped like him.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Imelda Reyes

What Does He Have That I Don't?

♡ Imelda didn't understand the feelings going on in her own head, but she understood even less why you would be in love with someone who was so terrible for you.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Draco Malfoy

The Astronomy Tower

♡ Even though you were Harry's twin you led very separate lives, different friends, and different focuses but one thing you had in common was that Draco Malfoy couldn't stand you. Or at least he acted like that…

one

Poison

♡ You and Draco had been together for around a year but as you both approached 7th year you could no longer see him the same way as before

one two three

[lavender-romancer]

Vikings Masterlist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Ivar Ragnarsson

Marrying

♡ Ivar has been in love with you for as long as he remembers but now…you’re marrying Ubbe

Winter

Names For Ivar's Lover

♡ What the names Ivar gives you mean.

♡ CW: suicide mentions, conflict

♡ You wanted to be his again, not owned by him but a part of him. But it had been so long since you’d felt close to Ivar that it felt out of reach as he descended into rage filled madness

Limitations and Anxieties

♡ Ivar loves you and you both want to have sex but, he’s convinced he can’t

Ivar stands you up

♡ Modern AU

♡ You thought you were giving a chance for a classmate to show they could be a better person than they had previously represented themselves as but Ivar disappointed you again

Ivar Annoying you at School

♡ Modern AU

♡ You were already havinga bad day and doubted that Ragnarsson would make it any better, he disagrees

Wedding Ceremony

♡ You and Ivar are finally getting married, Ragnar is officiating and you both couldn’t be happier

Bruised

♡ Ivar loves war more than you

Lost Him

♡ Ivar x OC

♡ Ivar and Ingrid have been married for a number of years now, their family grows and so does their love but what would she do without him?

Lofn

♡ You and Ivar have been together for a few years and something had always been missing, you suddenly felt as if that could be solved when you made a discovery on a walk together

We Fixed Each Other, and Now We're Broken Again

♡

I'm a Proud Pagan

♡ your life with Ivar and his family during Jul

one two

♡ You grew up in England, but your parents were vikings, you always kept the gods in your heart, when you get taken back to Kattegat by vikings, Ivar and Hvitserk both take an intrest in you

English by Birth, Viking at Heart

♡ retired

one two three four

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Ubbe Ragnarsson

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Love You

♡ You’re married to Ubbe but Ivar keeps trying to make you his

Hurt

♡ Much to Ubbe's horror, you get hurt in battle

Hvitserk Ragnarsson

You're Cold. No I'm Not

♡ Hvitserk has been frustrating you for a while and now he wouldn’t let you come on a raid

We Could Be

♡ Modern AU

♡ You’d never considered yourself to have crushes but everything Hvitserk did in school and out of it made you feel something

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

English by Birth, Viking at Heart

♡ retired

♡ You grew up in England, but your parents were Vikings, and you always kept the gods in your heart, when you get taken back to Kattegat by Vikings, Ivar, and Hvitserk both take an interest in you

one two three four

Bjorn Ironside

Sandy Hair and Mud Face

♡ You’d known Bjorn since you were a child but a few years later when you travel to Kattegat some old nicknames come back to taunt you

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Daughter of a King Wife of a Prince

♡ retired

♡ As the daughter of King Ecbert, you were often ignored and put to the side because you weren’t the heir but when some powerful Norsemen show up all changes

one two three

Ragnar Lothbrok

Loss

♡ You and Ragnar have trouble with a pregnancy

I Love You

♡ Ragnar x Athelstan

♡ Ragnar's secret is revealed to Athelstan

Lies

♡ retired

♡ You always knew you were different, but you still thought you were Ragnar’s daughter

one two

[lavender-romancer]

Star Trek Masterlist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

James T. Kirk

Kirk Trying To Ask You Out

♡ “You’re too drunk sweetheart.”

♡ Kirk keeps trying to find you to ask you out but you’ve been able to avoid him till today

You've Always Liked Jim

♡ You go back to Jim’s apartment after inadvertently robbing him of taking a girl back to his.

He's So Pretty

♡ Kirk had no idea you felt the same way for him as he did for you, as you plan to leave Starfleet. Is it all too little too late for the two of you?

With Him

♡ Jim thinks you’ve been cheating on him and he doesn’t know how to discuss it with you

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Spock

Say You Love Me ♡ You feel neglected by Spock and just want him to tell you he cares about you The Cold Sea ♡ Your relationship with Spock began fairly happily and innocently but soon transformed into a non-communicative nightmare Tutor ♡ Your boyfriend Spock helping you study for a test

Loving You Was A Mistake ♡ retired ♡ Your relationship with Spock ends abruptly as he puts his species' needs in front of your relationship, this leads to a romance with another member of the Enterprise one two three

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy

Nap At Bones' Apartment ♡ You're a bit drunk but, you're hanging out with Leonard and a sleeping Jim

Loving You Was A Mistake ♡ retired ♡ Your relationship with Spock ends abruptly as he puts his species' needs in front of your relationship, this leads to a romance with another member of the Enterprise one two three

The Transfer ♡ retired ♡ You and Bones used to date, but he left without explanation and you haven’t spoken in seven years. Now you’re the transfer nurse to the USS Enterprise which will reunite you and your lost lover one two

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Nyota Uhura

One Last Time ♡ You and Nyota broke up a while ago but is it really over? Unwanted ♡ You're Spock's sister but your family has never seemed to like you. You come to York Town early to see your brother and meet a special someone

[lavender-romancer]

Umbrella Academy Masterlist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Luther Hargreeves

Powers ♡ After dating Luther for a while he starts to become suspicious of your secrecy and completely misconstrues what the truth is  First Time ♡ You’re one of Klaus’ friends from the clinic and through him, you meet Luther

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Klaus Hargreeves

Twin ♡ You’re Klaus’ twin and you’re always there to support one another 

We Were

♡ You were dating Klaus when you were younger and got pregnant with his daughter but ran away without telling him anything, with the death of Klaus’ father your daughter wants to meet her father

one two

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Diego Hargreeves

Pregnant ♡ You’ve been together just over four years and this is the first time you’ve had a little plus on a pee stick  Single Mother ♡ You'd been alone with your child for so long that letting anyone in was almost impossible, when your son meets Diego you have to decide whether to trust again Fix You ♡ You’re a technician who specializes in robotics and Diego asks you to fix his mother after he deactivates her. 

Shame ♡ Your boyfriend Diego came back from a day of being out and after an argument you decide you just can’t handle being the emotional punching bag anymore one two three four five

[lavender-romancer]

Miscellaneous Television Masterlist

Preacher, Misfits, Outlander, TEOTFW

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Preacher Whisky? Cassidy x Reader ♡ You meet Cassidy in a bar and soon get into a conversation about his favorite drink 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Misfits Powers Nathan Young x Reader ♡ After having an argument with his mum Nathan comes to you, his best friend for support but after you get frustrated you realise your power opened your eyes to your feelings The Bar Rudy Wade x Reader ♡ You and Rudy are friends and you have a few drinks in the bar after community service 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Outlander Murtagh Fraser x Reader Now You're The Outlander ♡ Retired ♡ You travel back in time from 2016 to 1744 Scotland and upon meeting a group who understand your situation you have to decide how to live  one two

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

TEOTFW James x Reader Okay ♡ Your boyfriend James uses his favorite catchphrase to annoy you  Laughing ♡ You and your boyfriend James go to a party together and the two of you aren’t really enjoying it as much as you thought you would  Comfort Requested ♡ You, James, and Alyssa all break into a house, things couldn't go wrong... could they?

Typical Requested ♡ Just after James' dad died you began getting sick in the mornings and it was horrifically ironic how typical this was for your life Drabbles ♡ I. “don’t lie to me” “did you ever love me?”

[lavender-romancer]

Miscellaneous Film Masterlist

Warrior, This is England, Child 44, Pride, Marvel

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Warrior A Return Requested Tommy Riordan x Reader ♡ You and Tommy were married but when he disappeared four years ago you gave up hope on him ever being alive and resentment towards him grew, what happens when he turns up mysteriously 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

This is England Over the Years Harvey x Reader ♡ Retired ♡ You first met Harvey when you were at school when he would try to impress you, after giving him a chance you're thrust into a relationship that lasts years one two three four

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Child 44 Admit It Leo Demidov x Reader You and Leo have been married for a while but one day when you come home he wants you to be truthful to him

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Pride Fault Mark Ashton x Mike Jackson ♡ Mike has left and in reality, it’s Mark’s fault  New Beginnings Mark x Mike /Joe x Jeff/Jonathan x Gethin ♡ Retired ♡ It’s 2005 and Civil Partnerships have just become legal in the UK, the lives of Jonathan and Gethin will be changed forever when they adopt a little girl one two three

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Marvel All I Need Thor Ordinson x Reader ♡ You and Thor were very happy together and even though he'd once dreamed of a grand Asgardian wedding now all you needed was each other Headcanons Multi x Reader ♡ When You Break Up ♡(I Forgot about Banner Soz)

[lavender-romancer]

What Does He Have That I Don't?

Imelda Reyes x Reader Sebastian Sallow x Reader

Imelda didn't understand the feelings going on in her own head, but she understood even less why you would be in love with someone who was so terrible for you.

*°*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”°*

Whether it was flying, or herbology or exploring Hogwarts, you and Imelda had always been together. Learning new spells with one another and talking about the latest gossip going around the school- usually including Gareth Weasley’s explosive potions. Everything felt so… correct. You were usually only with one another, slept in the same dorm, had classes and free time together. It made sense that you spent weekends together and just about every other bit of time.

You became closer and closer, Imelda opened up to you about the pressures of her family and how she never felt she could fail at anything because of how disappointed they would be. She had never talked to anyone about it before but she wanted to tell you everything.

This had never happened before, sure Imelda had had friends but nothing like this. It felt different. When she thought back on it, she might have felt a similar way towards Nerida but it still wasn’t the same as this. She wanted to stroke your hair, have you fall asleep on her, kiss you and- Imelda stopped her train of thought and opened her eyes wide. She ran to the nearest bathroom and leant over the basin, gripping the sides so hard she thought she might break it. She wanted to… kiss you? This couldn't be right. Maybe she didn't get enough sleep or something. She did not want to kiss her friend. From that moment, Imelda made herself believe that.

You continued to get close with one another and trust each other even more. With Imelda making things up like; you have something in your hair, let me get it out or I've started to learn palm reading, can I try it on you? Just so she could feel your warmth, imagine that you looked at her the same way you looked at him.

As soon as he came into your life you were transfixed, all you could talk about was him and how brilliant he was. Imelda just had to hold her tongue because if she told you how much she despised Sallow you would only push her away.

How could she tell you about the feelings she was having when she didn't even understand them herself? How could she tell you that the feelings she had for you were the same Sebastian had for you? Imelda was outwardly headstrong but her anxiety got the better of her in many situations, the whole of her friendship with you had felt like a huge experiment into how deep her imposter syndrome went. She never felt good enough to be your friend, or that she deserved your friendship. Now it was exacerbated to breaking point. Imelda knew she would be better for you than him, she knew that she could give you so much more, care about you more and never make you cry. But alas, you would still collapse onto your bed with a satisfied sigh and talk nonstop about how Sebastian had smiled at you in potions class.

Every night Sallow would knock on the dorm room you and Imelda shared to say goodnight or take you off gallivanting round the school or the Highlands. It usually gave Imelda time to wallow, she had never been this bad of a loser in all of her time in quidditch. She couldn't stand the fact that you looked at Sallow the way you did. The two of them seemed ridiculously in love and Imelda dreamed of you looking at her like that. She knew it was wrong and her family would never accept it. But she couldn't hold it in.

What was happening? Why was she feeling this way about her friend? Having to turn away when you were changing your clothes because it suddenly felt like an invasion of privacy or, when they would talk about crushes Imelda would always have to lie and choose some random boy. Was this normal, or just another thing that would make people despise her? She respected you too much to ruin your life by revealing this dark secret no matter how much it was slowly killing her from the inside out.

Regardless of knowing Sallow was a fucking idiot who would never prioritise you, Imelda knew she would put her all into caring for you. She already did but not in the same way Sallow could. A jealousy bubbled inside her that constantly threatened to jump out at anyone who dared question her. She had taken to spending more time alone because hearing you talk for the umpteenth time about the same boy made her chest hurt by this point. You told Imelda about how he had made you cry, that he had cast the cruciatus curse on you for a fucking book or something. Imelda wanted to kill him right there and then, but you explained it away and went back to fawning over him. How could you not see that he only cared about his own interests?

Some days Imelda felt like challenging Sebastian to a duel or something of that nature. He didn't deserve you- not that Imelda thought she deserved you either- and could never treat you with the amount of care you deserved. You deserved the world, all the riches in existence and the softest hands to care and look after you. After all the hardships and loss in your life you didn't need anyone else hurting you.

Today was an evening like many others when Sallow knocked at the dormitory door and Imelda wrapped a robe around herself before returning to her bed. You jumped up excitedly and opened the door, but something happened that made Imelda have to catch her breath. They kissed. A short and brief kiss, but a kiss all the same almost like they were used to doing it by now and we're just saying goodnight in the shroud of familiarity. Imelda turned onto her side, facing away from your bed and did anything she could to get that image out of her head. Over and over it played, a cruel reminder that people like her would never have the chance to prove they were just as devoted and loving.

After that moment, Imelda stayed so far away from you that a lot of people were noticing it. Even Ominis had asked Imelda if there was an issue because you had been upset. But Imelda brushed it off saying that she was focussing on her studies. It had been months by now. Months of excusing herself from situations where you were, going to bed early so that you didn't have time to debrief at the end of the day. Imelda couldn't see you without wanting to cry, that fucker Sallow was your boyfriend. The two of them were bonafide lovers and it made Imelda hate herself more every day.

Imelda felt like she was floating through life with nothing to keep her grounded. Nothing to root her to reality as her heart continued to break, she had begun silently crying herself to sleep. Nothing could fix this because you didn't want her, you only wanted him. Maybe one day Imelda would be able to tell you the truth but she had begun to realise that you had probably begun to hate her. Their friendship was barely intact and it was Imelda who had been pulling away the whole time, you probably felt abandoned.

This hurt had to happen, for the both of you. Without it Imelda couldn't leave you, she missed you so intensely it hurt but when she left Hogwarts she wouldn't have to worry. In a few months she could switch dorms, forget any of it ever happened and if that meant you would be stuck with Sallow, that was how it was meant to be. The story that Imelda had inside herself was never to be told, she would never love freely. Maybe it was dramatic but every time she looked at you it felt wrong, it felt like this was meant to be. If you only felt the same.

[lavender-romancer]

The Astronomy Tower

Part Two Draco Malfoy x Potter Reader

Even though you were Harry's twin you led very separate lives, different friends, different focuses but one thing you had in common was that Draco Malfoy couldn't stand you. Or at least he acted like that…

*°*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”°*

previous part

You were incredibly confused about the whole affair with Malfoy in the Astronomy Tower. He seemed so… different. It didn't seem like Malfoy at all. But you supposed that you didn't know him very well to make that distinction. Should you go back to the tower? Or was your place of solitude completely forfeited to Malfoy who was probably making fun of you throughout your interaction? The idea of never speaking to him again dawned on you, but after that night he wasn't such a dick to you.

For reasons Harry couldn't explain, you stayed at the potions seat next to Malfoy, you also no longer joined in when the golden trio would complain about him. You no longer seemed to have a seething hatred of him but an indifference that was dangerously close to becoming a friendship.

DADA classes were a neverending experience of boredom now that Umbridge had limited the whole curriculum to note taking. But one day, a small enchanted note landed on your desk, it was shaped like a bird. You assumed it was a charmed paper plane from Hermione, complaining about how bored she was or Ron, asking if you could use an unforgivable curse on him to end the suffering of this class. But as you carefully opened the bird, it was from Draco.

You didn't turn around to where you knew he sat, afraid all of it was a cruel joke he laughed about with his friends. All it said was, did I scare you off so easily? It felt like a challenge you were expected to rise too, which made you more inclined to ignore this attempt at attention just to frustrate him more. You could tell Draco was used to getting what he wanted and if you were going to be friends, he couldn't have the power in that regard. You decided that maybe being close to Malfoy wasn't as heinous as everyone thought it was. But, he was a ridiculous attention seeker...

When you didn't answer the question in his message he grew even more impatient. Furious at himself for letting his desires fuck with the better judgement of his head. But you were just so…he didn't know how to describe it other than a secret he wanted to uncover. How could you not understand that all he wanted was to be alone with you again and- No! He couldn't be thinking this way about a bloody Potter? No matter your pureblood status, you were tainted by the actions of your brother. Was it fair? Probably not judging from the ache in his stomach when he thought about never speaking to you alone again. He was only a fifth year, what did a little fling mean to him when he would soon be betrothed to a powerful pure blood?

He couldn't tell what the feeling was but he didn't like it. A fresh, scary feeling of happiness, a smile that crossed his lips after you had left him up on the astronomy tower. The smell of lavender as he got close to you, the stars in the night sky glinting in your eyes. You were so… there wasn't a word he could think of but he wanted to be around you, he wanted to be in your presence always. It was an immediate feeling of comfort in the way that you argued and teased one another. What was happening to him? He was going soft, obviously. But Draco did something that night when he returned to his dormitory, he smiled and thought of you looking happy.

Two weeks after your accidental meeting with Malfoy you decided he might have given up on meeting you again. You returned to the Astronomy Tower under the cloak and when you got to the top you couldn't see him. One part of you sighed in relief but the other half made you feel more disappointed than anything else. After you walked over to the balcony and began looking out, a finger tapped you on the shoulder and you cursed to yourself, assuming it was professor Sinastra. But as you turned, Malfoy was grinning at you.

“But how did you-.”

“You really can't be as clever as you think if a simple disillusionment spell fooled you.” he raised an eyebrow and you rolled your eyes.

“Just because I wasn't on the lookout for someone watching me doesn't make me stupid.” You turned back to look at the stars, undeterred by his presence (or at least you pretend you were).

“I can tell you're annoyed.” Draco leant on the balcony with his forearms, looking up at you with quite a sweet smile.

“I'm trying to ignore that you're there, Malfoy.” you said through gritted teeth as you committed to hating him even though you were slowly realising you didn't.

“Did you like my bird?” He asked, looking down at the black lake.

“It wasn't the worst way to be flirted with.” You said back in a sudden urge of confidence you didn't expect.

“Flirt- it wasn't flirting!” Malfoy protested and you cocked your head at him with a smile.

“Awh, all embarrassed? Wait till my father hears about this.” You replied mockingly, he surprisingly didn't look embarrassed but challenged.

“Well, I'm glad to see you've been listening so intently to what I say. Already in love with me, are you?” He returned the mocking tone and you narrowed your eyes.

“If I ever fall in love with you Malfoy you'll know, because the earth will have disappeared.” you shook your head and returned to look at the stars.

“Can you see Orion up there?” He asked, pointing.

“Whereabouts?” You tried to look in his eyeline but couldn't quite make it out.

“There!” He exclaimed pointing in the same place.

“And how do you think doing the exact same thing will help me!” You replied angrily, wishing you had never asked.

“It's just,” he stood up and moved behind you. You could feel his presence so close to you now that your fight or flight felt like it was kicking in. But you stayed put, you-on some level at least- wanted this.

Draco delicately touched your head and turned it to where he was pointing, then repositioned you from your waist. It was confusing for the most part, his hands stayed at your waist and were still there as you both looked at the constellation.

“Beautiful, isn't it. I assume you wouldn't expect me to have a love for the stars but I do. Helps me escape from everything when I can imagine how far away they all are but still choose to show up for me.” His voice was nearly a whisper by your ear as your eyes grew wide. Malfoys hands rested on your waist now, not moving but seemingly more comfortable.

“I-” your voice cracked like it had shorted a circuit and your eyes went even wider. You cleared your throat and took a step to the side, looking at the floor. “What time is it? God, that's late?” you began to step backwards and nearly sent a telescope flying off the tower but caught it just in time. Not however, in time to stop yourself from falling over. Malfoy took a step forward to help you up but you scrambled to your feet.

“It's not that late?” Draco said calmly and you didn't know how to argue with him on that.

“Since when do you love the stars?” You asked, hoping it would be a good enough diversion.

“I was formally introduced to astronomy at Hogwarts but always loved looking up at the stars more than down at what was here with me. Down here is so boring. The stars can do anything, turn into multitudes of things. But we're stuck.” He turned away from you and leant on the balcony again. You weren't sure whether to approach him or escape.

“When did you become so questioning about humanity and the world?” You asked, slowly walking towards the balcony. Draco scoffed-

“You imagine me to be so vain and uninterested with the wider world?” Draco turned his head to look at you with eyebrows furrowed.

“No, I just… well maybe I do think that.” You paused, thinking about how best to proceed.

“It's quite alright, if you were concerned. I'm not so fragile that it would knock me for six.” Draco smirked and you rolled your eyes.

“Such a drama creator, aren't you. Want me to buckle under the pressure of the Malfoy gaze hmm?” You were next to Draco now. Leaning your forearms on the balcony, your shoes almost touching.

“Can't be too kind to a Potter. You'd think I was going soft. A bit of playful manipulation couldn't hurt.” He rubbed his hands together and blew hot air on them.

“Playful manipulation is an interesting way of describing a bully.” You said quietly, almost to yourself but Draco heard.

He didn't comment on it. He just gripped the wooden balcony hard enough for his knuckles to go white. Is that all you saw him as? The two of you stood in a tense silence for a few minutes just looking at the sky before Draco sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I should be heading back.” He said with a half smile walking around the platform.

“Oh, alright. It's been nice talking to you.” You had no idea if that was genuine or not because, at this point you were half loyal to protecting Harry in these conversations and giving Draco the benefit of the doubt.

“Really? Sure I'm not just a bully?” He asked in a spiteful manner you were expecting, his eyes narrowed.

“I- uhm,” you paused. “Well you have bullied people.” You took a step towards him.

“You don't seem to care enough to avoid me, why is that?” Draco walked all the way around the platform and circled you.

“I was coming here before you did, you just happened to be here.” You scowled, your hands getting sweaty at your close proximity.

“But why now? Even now you want to see me or at least don't hate it. So why do you act like you hate me?” Draco asked, stopping right behind you.

“When did I say I hated you?” You replied cautiously as that feeling in the bottom of your stomach returned.

“I can see you trying to pretend you do, it's so sweet. All the little comments and jabs when really what you like is being alone with me.” Draco was so incredibly close to your ear that the hair on the back of your neck stood up.

“You don't know what you see. It's easy to misconstrue something when you want it to be the truth.” You turned around and glared slightly upwards, looking him in the eyes.

“I don't think I'm misconstruing anything right now.” Draco took a step towards you and you were shoe to shoe. His finger touched one of your hands that were balled into fists at your side. You couldn't help but look at his lips, it was ridiculous but so intoxicating to imagine what they felt like.

“What are you trying to accomplish here? A cheap joke for you and your friends or just for your own enjoyment?” You wanted to pull your hand away from him but you felt like you couldn't.

“I think you know this is for your enjoyment just as much as mine.” Draco’s voice was almost a whisper when he leant closer to you. Should you run? He wasn't holding you still and seemed to absolutely love that you didn't want to leave.

“I can't.” You took a step back and pushed a stray hair behind your ear. “I’m going back to my dorm. I think you should consider that too.” You turned around and practically ran down the astronomy tower stairs forgetting to wrap your invisibility cloak around you.

taglist: @a-beaverhausen

[lavender-romancer]

Blurry Eyes

Part Two Sebastian Sallow x Reader

You never thought you would see your old love, Sebastian, again. Now that he had returned to your life, you knew the hole in your heart had always been shaped like him.

*°*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”°*

previous part-burden

When you met Sebastian and Ominis you had immediately been intrigued by them. Having no real family of your own you had to attach yourself to someone and couldn't see anyone better than the two Slytherin boys. Whether it was saving beasts or fighting Ashwinders together, you and Sebastian were inseparable. Ominis usually let the two of you go off and do “something stupid” as he always said- content to complete all of his work in the peace and quiet of your absence.

Everyone thought the two of you were some kind of item in whatever capacity that was. But neither of you really considered it at the time, at least in fifth year. You were best friends, going to classes together, studying together and sometimes sneaking out together in search of ancient magic. Even after everything that happened with his Uncle, you stood by him. Sebastian deserved another chance, all of the effort the two of you had put into saving Anne was taken away. It was understandable that he was inconsolable and acted out.

Ominis didn't understand, not in the same way you did. There was always a darkness within Sebastian you didn't shy away from. If anything it made you more drawn to him than Ominis, Ominis was safe and secure. Sebastian… he was chaos, a chaos that you craved the more you got of it, your life became remarkable when you were with him. Your magic may have been more advanced than his, but every time you went somewhere with Sebastian it felt like you might never come back. That you'd go on some kind of adventure, run away and go exploring. It felt like you had nothing to lose when you were together.

Sixth year hit the both of you like a brick wall. As soon as you saw one another after the summer holidays, your eyes seemed to go wide. He was so… different to look at. Not really an immature boy anymore, closer to a man. The whole school year you were just as close, the gossip about the two of you ran around the school as fast as it got back to you. But nothing happened, you were just friends who flirted with each other and spent every day with one another.

Final year was when it all changed, when the two of you kissed after sneaking into the restricted section once again. You were inexplicably happy when you got back to your dormitory, smiling yourself to sleep. But nothing changed, he didn't say anything. Didn't court you or even try to broach the subject. He pulled away, spent more time with his books than you or Ominis. That was how it all ended, a kiss of unrequited love that led you to where you were today.

You had friends, you had a best friend, Ominis, you had potential suitors that you turned down. You had no blood relatives but had a sort of work family that existed without Sebastian Sallow- much to your chagrin. Ominis had kept you relentlessly updated with news of Sebastian as you all grew, for some reason the Gaunt boy knew much too much about everything. He was a bloody oracle at this point, gossiping to his best friend about all the happenings in the Ministry you were too busy to focus on.

Everytime be spoke of Sebastian your heart felt like it might give out, the childless hope your held in your heart was still so strong. What did you want from him? You didn't know who he was now. All you dreamed of was what that look in his would be like, when he finally realised that you could make one another so happy. You could give him everything, the sun and the moon if you had too. But you weren't his, and he wasn't yours. This teenage pipedream born from a crush has controlled too much of your adult life already and you decided enough was enough.

Did you want to be his? Yes. No matter who he was. It was a dumb love, you would do anything to be close to him again but it was destined to fail. You had good days, so many good days that you couldn't be angry. All you could do was pack up the memories you had of him into a box and put it under your bed for safe keeping. You would never see the future of his life except for maybe in a newspaper or through Ominis. But you could exist like that, keep him in a state of sentimentality rather than wishing on him like a shooting star.

From there you moved on, focussed on your work and building your friendships back into being strong. You asked Ominis to talk to someone else about Sebastian and instead normally socialised with him. There was no mention of Sallow in any of your following conversations. It was refreshing, you didn't worry that you'd walk past him at the ministry or somewhere in London because that was alright. He was a man, just a man and you didn't have to sensationalise him like you had been doing for so long. Sebastian couldn't fix everything just like you couldn't for him. You were okay with this.

Every now and then you had nightmares about him dying on the job or had a straying thought about whether he missed you. But mostly you kept Sebastian out of your mind. If you were to move on and allow someone else to be this impactful on your life, perhaps it could truly start without looking backwards at what could have been.

Five years after you had left Hogwarts you were working in the legal department of the Ministry, had your own flat and didn't have to worry about your old best friend.

Everything changed that night when he turned up on your doorstep, you could smell the alcohol on his breath and see the far away look in his eyes. You spoke for barely ten minutes but, after he left everything came back. How you wanted to pull him close to you and protect him from his own demons. Everytime as a teenager you wished he would kiss you and court you like other girls. That he would see you as more than an option. You tried to move on, tried to be with other people but it wasn't right. It had never been right because no matter whose bed you shared you wished it was his.

You ran to your front door, almost pulling the door off it's hinges as you threw it open. Running into the dusk of night you stood in the road and looked around everywhere for him. After a glimpse of him you couldn't believe was real, you needed to touch him-make sure he was real and not another dream.

“Sebastian!” You called out.

The world was spinning, you started running through the mist even though you had no idea what direction he went. You longed to hear his voice, see how his face had changed and how he had grown into his deeper voice. He couldn't look you in the eye before, they were so full of sorrow and all you wanted to do was take all the pain away.

It had been a while. You weren't sure how long but you were cold, your feet bare and cold. It was time to go home and begin the process of forgetting again. Talking to him again brought back every conversation, every quiet moment of teenage awkwardness that you smiled about later. The time that you kissed and how that feeling had never been recreated with anyone since. This feeling of loss that had been eating away at you was only getting worse. Your soul was missing something. He had walked back into your life and through your heart so carelessly. Gave you hope for a life that wasn't real. His eyes, there was so much sadness but also the feeling of comfort and longing. You knew he came to you for a reason and you only wished he had stayed.

You reached your old Victorian style flat and could only think of how Sebastian's influence was all over this house. His favorite colours, things that reminded you of Feldcroft. When you walked back into the drawing room you saw his old school scarf and let out a choked noise. No crying. It was like you had finally been given air and it was slowly being taken away from you again. You rummaged around in a rattan basket on the side table and found some cigarettes and a lighter. It was a habit you were trying to get rid of but you didn't care. At least it might distract you.

Sitting down on your steps outside you leant on the bannister fencing that led to your front door. Only now realising your feet were bleeding. You sighed and lit your cigarette watching how the blood slowly dropped onto the concrete slabs as you held one of your legs over your knee. The burn of the lighter on your finger woke you up from your trance and you swore to yourself before taking a drag. All you wanted, regardless of your success and your freedom, was him. It was pathetic, truly. Completely pathetic. You had your independence, your complete unwavering independence. Not having to worry about being a woman the same way muggles did, you were powerful and good at your job but… it wasn't enough.

When you thought about it, you had spent more days of your life thinking about Sebastian than physically being with him. Your eyes began to well up, why did he come here? Was it just to taunt you or upset you? Had you made the whole thing up to try and construe that he really did love you and wanted to see you? Why were you so obsessed with this man that in reality you no longer knew anything about? It was fucking ridiculous of you to expect some kind of happy ending when most of your feelings about Sebastian were fantasies.

But it didn't matter. No matter how ridiculous it was you felt like you were falling apart from the inside out. Like this had always been here in your mind and all you had been doing was blocking out your feelings rather than dealing with them. He didn't want you, it was clearly some sort of joke. Sebastian always did like a little prank or something, and what better than fucking with you. You hoped he had found what he needed here, that he was happy. But Sebastian wanting you had never been real, not when you were younger and not now. You needed to just forget.

Sebastian was standing in an alley when he heard you scream his name. Lights started turning on in all the buildings surrounding you, people looking out of their windows at the mad woman. He couldn't believe his eyes, you were barefoot and running around trying to find him. As his eyes welled up he rubbed away tears but his eyes were so blurry he couldn't decide if it was a drunken delusion or reality. Sebastian sunk to the floor, it was still quite chilly but he didn't feel it. So numb to everything. As he waited for dawn to approach, he hoped his life would lead to something, that one day he would be a man you deserved.

Perhaps one day colours wouldn't fade out of the world, one day Sebastian would be truly happy. But today was not that day. He sat on the cold ground against a wall and bowed his head, his existence was a joke. When Anne was cursed he often felt like his days of any happiness had ended, like everything in the world was pointless without her being there to experience it. But he met you, he adored you and laughed with you. Life wasn't an endless void, there was hope. But he wasted it. He wasted all of it with his childish ways and pathetic inability to realise where his happiness was coming from.

The sky was slowly turning from gray to a sort of burnt yellow. You were nowhere to be seen and in some ways Sebastian thought that was for the best. The alcohol was really wearing off now and after taking one last deep breath he clumsily apparated back to his house which felt as cold as outside. He had forgotten to lock his door and the gusts of wind sent the door back and forth into the wall. Sebastian groaned, apparation when you weren't fully focussed hurt a ridiculous amount.

He looked up at the state of his ceiling, it was cracked and looked as if it would collapse in the coming months if he didn't fix it. Maybe he would stay here in this spot until it buried him, he couldn't plague your life if he was gone. Or maybe it would make it all the worse for you, a horrific memory of Sebastian drunk on your doorstep being the last. Why couldn't he just stop? Why the fuck did he go and see you so out of his mind?

“Enjoying your floor?” A voice suddenly asked and Sebastian made and terrified sort of scream noise looking over to the armchair where Ominis sat.

“Jesus Christ, Ominis.” Sebastian ran his hands down his face.

“Someone had quite the night, didn't they?” Ominis smirked and Sebastian felt like throwing a book at him.

“She told you then?” Sebastian asked.

“With a ridiculous amount of urgency, she contacted me. Told me a story I was convinced she dreamt about showing up at her doorstep drunk and wide eyed. But apparently it's true.” Ominis held his wand in front of him and stood up.

“Bet you enjoyed that. Me turning into even more of a disaster whilst the two of you are prospering.” Sebastian had some malice in his voice and Ominis shook his head, disappointed.

“You have no idea what she went through the last few years. Not that you cared you see how she was or even-”

“It was better she forgot about me. Last night was… it was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that to her.” He stood up and took a step closer to Ominis but he but his hand up.

“That's close enough, I don't know what you're doing, Sebastian. But you've opened a box you can't simply close. Y/n deserves an end to this chapter of her life at the very least. Stop this pathetic drunkenness with some sort of drug usage. Pull yourself together and end things properly. You were a terrible friend to me but even worse to her.” Ominis scowled at him before turning and leaving, he slammed the door as he left, leaving an audible imprint on Sebastian's mind. He was right, you did deserve more than what he did. But Sebastian had no fucking idea how to display that.