lecondevie

[lecondevie]

I feel… alone.

[lecondevie]

got here. not the evolved version... but the version that is evolving, at least.

i'm more exhausted than i've ever been, and i've never been happier. i finally feel free. free to love. free to live. free to be.

so many new things are ahead of me. i'm scared of most of them. but i get a chance to figure them out now. to prove to myself that i can. to be independent. to trust myself. to grow. to evolve. to become a better version of myself. to realize all the potential i know that i have.

time for bed. tomorrow is wednesday. i haven't even been living in my new apartment for a week yet and it's pretty much set up. but tomorrow will be the second time I feel at home.

because the first time it felt like home was the night i moved in. when i hugged him with tears in my eyes and said, "i'm here", and he hugged back harder and said, "you're here".

I love sex. I love talking about it. I love having it. I love thinking about it. I love marijuana. I love smoking it. I love being creative while I’m high or engaging in deep, intellectual conversations about anything ranging from humanity to evolutionary psychology and consciousness/awareness. I love design. I love fashion. I love music. I love things, passionately. Intensely. That’s just who I am. That’s always who I’ve been. And I have absolutely no shame in admitting to these things. I’m pursuing these things. I’m being open about these things. I love who I am. I love who I’m becoming. And I love the life I am living.

[lecondevie]

Nothing makes sense anymore.

[lecondevie]

Mind is anything experienced inside your head that is not literally happening in this moment.

Consciousness is everything experienced in this moment, including mind.

Awareness is the feeling you have that you exist, and it is also the reason why it feels like anything exists.

[lecondevie]

Tucked Away

[lecondevie]

I just want to get my base level of existence and immediate reality back to this version. Or at least, the evolved version…

I love sex. I love talking about it. I love having it. I love thinking about it. I love marijuana. I love smoking it. I love being creative while I’m high or engaging in deep, intellectual conversations about anything ranging from humanity to evolutionary psychology and consciousness/awareness. I love design. I love fashion. I love music. I love things, passionately. Intensely. That’s just who I am. That’s always who I’ve been. And I have absolutely no shame in admitting to these things. I’m pursuing these things. I’m being open about these things. I love who I am. I love who I’m becoming. And I love the life I am living.

[lecondevie]

“And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.”

— still learning….

[lecondevie]

“‘I no longer wish to be loved childishly. I want to be loved with the strength and charm of maturity. I don’t want to be smothered by the fear of jealousy and insecurities. I don’t want a relationship based solely upon shutting the world out and locking each other in. I want to be somewhere where I can breathe. Where, even in the midst of a million people with a million heartbeats surrounding me, I can still know the sound or even play the tune, or nod my head to the rhythm of the one I call “home.” I want to call you home.”

— Unknown (via birthofasupervillain)

I want to come home. But I don’t know where you are.

[lecondevie]

“Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.”

— Daniell Koepke (via birthofasupervillain)

THISSSSA

[lecondevie]

Tunnel nightclub, NYC, mid-1990s. Photos by Steve Eichner.

[lecondevie]

[lecondevie]

[lecondevie]

Sculpture by Virtu More

[lecondevie]

All I know is.. I want to grow old with him.

I want to fold laundry with him.

And go grocery shopping with him.

Visit museums together.

Talk about life, like we always do.

Humor him on the concepts and ideas he’s always exploring b/c he’s such a nerd and I love it.

I want to play video games with him.

Surprise him with dinner. Or breakfast.

And hold him as we watch the sun set.

I want to run my hands through his hair every time we’re on the couch and he straddles my lap.

And feel him next to me every night in bed.

I want all of the simple, mundane moments with him.

[lecondevie]

"I don't know what to do..." I said, as I cried into his shoulder.

“What do you mean?” he asked, with a curious look on his face.

“Here, unlock it.” I buried my face deeper into his neck as I handed him my phone. “The passcode is your birthday.”

As soon as he did, he understood immediately, and hugged me harder than he ever had before.

"I love you, too."

[lecondevie]

[lecondevie]