leferassim

[leferassim]

Jackass, Not a Monster

pairing: namgyu x gender neutral reader

genre: fluff

type: oneshot

warnings: mentions of substance use, self harm, verbal abuse, suicidal ideation mention, blood

Namgyu was having a shit day. He had an argument with his friend Thanos while the two were on an outing, he’s low on money, and his drug cravings have been worse than ever. Hence why he has been so moody lately. He figured once he got home, he could take it all out on you if you dare got in his way.

Once he got back to your shared apartment and settled in a bit, he found himself wanting to catch up on his shower schedule. He noticed the bathroom door was closed and the light was on, you had been in there a while. He walked over and pounded on the door. “Hey shithead, how long are you gonna be in there for? I need to rinse off.” I he waited impatiently tapping his foot outside the door, no response.

“You asshole, other people need to get in here too!” He rested his forehead against the door, then even pressing his ear against it to see if he could hear anything. Total silence other than a few very faint sobs from you.

“If you don’t at least tell me how much longer you’re gonna be in there, I’m gonna break this damn door down myself and you’ll the be one to pay for it.” Namgyu said as he waited another minute or two. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He scurried off to his room and grabbed the lock pick he had for reasons unknown to you.

He came back and picked the lock, swinging the door open fast and hard. There he saw you sat upon the edge of the bathtub, your thighs and arms covered in blood. He noticed the blood was coming from large open cuts on your limbs. “Ah shit, are you fucking crazy?” He ran over to you, grabbing your wrist in which hand you held the blade you were using in despite you wincing.

“What were you thinking, (Name)? Did you want to end your life?” Namgyu grabbed the blade out of your hand and tossed it across the room. He scrambled through the cabinets under the sink and pulled out bandages and antibacterial.

He began soaking up the blood with a towel, cutting you off before you could protest against it, and used wet toilet paper to wipe the blood. “Don’t worry about the towel, we can wash it. This is more important.” You marbled at the sincerity of his words.

He got to work putting the antibacterial on your cuts and using whatever bandages were appropriate for your wounds, you admired his strong hands still baring the chunky silver rings he always wore. The gentleness of his touch all too foreign to you, it’s like the douchebag you had lived with to cut rent costs for that long 2 years was completely replaced. You could feel your heart flutter, wondering if you could really feel such a way about Namgyu. But clearly you didn’t have the spoon to open that can of worms at the moment.

Namgyu finished bandaging you. He held onto your thighs as he looked up at you. “Why? Why did you do this?” His expression and tone sincere, full of concern. “I- I don’t…” you couldn’t even begin to speak. Namgyu’s hands slid from your thighs to your knees making your stomach tingle and your face heat up. “I guess it’s not a great idea to ask you right now. Come on.” He stood up and grabbed you by the hand, leading you out of the bathroom. He sat you on the couch and turned the TV on, putting your favorite series on- the one he’d make fun of you for watching and groaned when he came home to you watching it. “God, I hate this cheesy ass show.” He giggled. You did too. You knew all too well.

“As I said, I gotta shower. You’ll be okay on your own out here right?” You hesitantly nodded and he went to his room. You heard him rummaging through his closet, and scrambling when he got in the shower, knocking over shampoo bottles then blurting out cuss words and what not. What was he in such a rush for? A moment after you heard the water turn off, Namgyu came out with his hands in his sweatpants pockets. He didn’t bare his usual smug expression, though. He seemed more serious and alert.

Namgyu sat down on the couch next to you, not too close, giving you all the space you needed. “You don’t have to tell me why you cut. I think I get it. Maybe I don’t fully understand, but I struggle with my own shit too.” He said, not looking at you. You could tell he wasn’t just saying that to make you feel better. “I can be a douchebag, I know. I take my anger out on you because I know you won’t fight back, and when I don’t have the drugs to coddle me instead. I really hope none of what I’ve said or done led you to this.”

Your heart dropped. All you had wanted for a long time was for him to own up to the hurtful things he’s said and done. Though you knew you had other reasons for harming yourself, you did know some of the things he’s said had an impact on how you felt. “I’ll be more careful with what I say or do from now on. I don’t want to see you in that state. I’m a jackass, not a monster.” Namgyu added. You then had the uncontrollable urge to hug him, so you did. He flinched at your touch at first, body quite tense and not reciprocating your touch. But after a few seconds, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around your waist.

And you don’t know at what point in time it had happened, but you fell asleep in his warm and firm hold. You woke up the next morning, the TV off. You were still in Namgyu’s arms, his grip firm despite him now being the one asleep. You took this time to observe him, like a specimen under a microscope. You noticed on his arms the track marks, the needle marks, and the scabs. You’d noticed he’d pick at his skin a lot, and the substance use was something that couldn’t go unnoticed. You’d also remembered the phone calls he’d sound so distraught on, the ones you’d get upset at him for yelling for.

You’d remember him complaining to you a few times before bullying you once he came home from his job at the club, and even the more personal things. And the times you had sworn you could hear him sobbing and sniffling at night through his bedroom door. You didn’t have a full grasp on his situation, but you realized he understands what it’s like more than you know. He felt inferior when he was with Thanos and his crew, so taking it out on you made him feel better about it. Thus, you felt inferior to Namgyu, but you took it out on yourself.

Yet you found Namgyu beautiful in this moment, the moment that felt so intimate. His long hair messy and tussled, the sunlight peaking in through the window and making his sharp features create the perfect shadows on his face. How you went from sobbing as he threw insults at you to him bandaging yours wounds and holding you close to him you don’t know, but your heart melted now. You could kiss him, you really could. But you didn’t.

His eyes opened suddenly, scaring you a bit as you pulled yourself up off of him. He laughed at your shocked and annoyed expression. “Ah, you should’ve seen your face!” He pulled you back down with him. “Hey, don’t run away.” He said softly as he held onto your face, examining your features like you were an anomaly. He noticed your eyes were puffy from crying and just waking up, your lips in a slight pout, and your reddened cheeks. He found you beautiful just as you felt about him. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself, and especially not to you.