legacyofmanwich

[legacyofmanwich]

i started playing My Time at Sandrock last week and immediately loved Pen

and today I have read Spoilers that have ruined my LIFE

dont TALK to me i am INCONSOLABLE

[legacyofmanwich]

My new job sent me to Nashville for training and I can't post Sims garbage so here's my dog looking fat and stupid in the meantime

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {3.5} The Devil You Don't

What's better than the devil you know? Asmodeus is delighted to welcome you all back to the Legacy of Manwich, the worst Sims legacy on God's green earth. I'd say things would be better off without his intervention, but honestly things were pretty dismal from the start.

Last time, the third generation of Manwiches all started college. Portia dabbled in incest while her sister Valeria dabbled in the dark arts. Let's see how that's going for both of them!

Valeria: "Hey, Porsh, guess what? Yorick's dead, and I killed him! Isn't that hilarious?"

Portia: "HAW HAW HAW!! HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!" +750

Yeah, whatever Portia and Yorick had together, it must not have meant much to her, because she didn't shed a single tear over his passing. Can't say that relationship that was worth losing the heirship for!

With his dark message delivered, Asmodeus's proxy promptly died out on the sidewalk. Thank you for the donation of your soul, it will be put to good use!

Hanako: "Valeria's collecting souls to get herself a husband? Sounds like a worthy cause!"

Another fine contribution! Sorry about your girlfriend, though, Regan.

Hey, look who also died! Not super sure how, but whatever the cause, I'm willing to bet he pissed himself in the process. <3

I never imagined the cowplant milk tastes very good, it looks gross. My headcanon is that it's comparable to that terrible Core Power protein milk, except warmer and saltier.

Valeria: "It's an acquired taste!"

So's murder, I guess.

Portia pretty immediately moved on to this new guy, Abe Hustler, who is one of her mom's boyfriends.

Portia: "Now that's quality assurance!"

Your mom has notoriously bad taste in men, I don't think she'd know quality if it punched her in the face.

Portia: "Um, Abe? Can you get up, please? You're being super embarrassing!"

I don't think he can hear you, babe.

Portia: "How is this relationship going to work out if we can't communicate effectively?!"

Don't worry, I'll make you a new boyfriend. One that has no relation to your family whatsoever. How's that sound?

Portia: "Abe please get up people are noticing!!!"

Rosaline: "Alas, poor Abe! Oh, pitiable soul, I do so hope that he comes to!"

Valeria: "Fuck this guy, I hope he never wakes up."

You three are too much. Can we get a live Julius reaction?

And what the fuck are you doing?

Julius: "I HAVE CLEVERLY DISGUISED MYSELF AS A TREE IN HOPES THAT A GIRL WILL TOUCH MY PENIS!"

Oh, good, I'm glad it's not anything weird. I was worried for a second.

Ophelia: "JULIUS WHY THE FUCK DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK?"

Julius: "It works in movies! I swear!"

If there's one thing I learned in college, it's that girls LOVE unwanted sexual contact!

Meanwhile, the cheerleader died! And her replacement is, um. A little off-kilter.

Cheerleader: "HEY! HEEEYYY!!! I'M CHEERING! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! IF YOU GUYS DON'T START PAYING ATTENTION TO ME RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA RUN OUT ONTO THE FREEWAY AND DIE! THEN YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY!"

The girl in front was so annoyed that she promptly went and got eaten by the cowplant.

Valeria drank her celebratory murder milk and called the Matchmaker. Let's see what form Asmodeus has assumed to claim his unholy bride!

Valeria: "Why does he fucking look like that?"

Matchmaker: "Do you want your demon husband or not?"

Valeria: "UUUGHHHH FINE! I'll give him a shot."

Valeria: "So, um. What do I call you?"

Albert: "In this form, I am Albert. Though I am currently a professor of political science, I endeavor to integrate myself into the very threads of your society so that I may rend it asunder from within. I've chosen a most worthy and diabolical profession, one that commands great respect and absolves me of all wrongdoing in the eyes of mortal men."

Valeria: "Oh, uh, cool. What profession?"

Albert: "I will become a police officer. As such, I will be nigh untouchable, no matter what atrocities I may commit."

Valeria: "That's a little topical for this Legacy, my man, can we keep it light?"

Albert: "Oh, yeah, sure thing. Say, where's that music coming from? I'm in a dancing mood!"

And then he dances embarrassingly to rap music. Honestly, if I saw some guy dressed like this breaking it down Caucasian style to NWA, I'd be impressed.

Downtown? Where the guys are drips? Downtown, where they rip your slips? Downtown, where relationships are no-go? Down on Skid Row?

Yeah sure why not, she's already got the giant plant that eats people.

Crumplebottom: "I'M ON TO YOU LITTLE SHITS, IF I SEE EVEN A SPECK OF LUST IN YOUR EYES, I WILL RAIN HELLFIRE UPON YOU!"

Albert: "So, um, lovely evening, isn't it?"

Valeria: "Oh! Uh, yeah! A, uh, lovely evening to stand around platonically and have no sexually-charged interactions at all whatsoever!"

They started making out full force the moment Crumplebottom went inside, but soon another problem presented itself.

Noelle: "HEY GEE WHIZZ YOU GUYS ARE GOOD-LOOKING, GOT ROOM FOR ONE MORE?"

NO THEY'RE BOOKED FULL GO AWAY

Noelle: "The audacity! I graciously offered my body to them, and they refused! Hey, you! Are you horny? Do you want to have sex with me?!"

Doomsday Prepper: *muffled yelling*

Noelle: ".... Is that a yes?"

Luckily some fat pirate came over and shut her ass up so Val and Al's terrible date could continue unobstructed.

Albert: "LMAO IS THAT YOUR GRANDMA?? WHAT AN OLD BITCH LOL SHE'S GONNA DIE SOON!"

Lillie: "Hey, that's not very nice!"

Albert: "DO I LOOK LIKE THE COMPLAINTS DESK? GET AWAY FROM ME."

LMAO VIRGIN

Valeria: "Hey, baldo, you and your receding hairline play video games? You look like a gamer, with those little baby wrists and flabby bitch tits of yours."

Very cool, Val, I'm so glad you and Albert came all the way out here to harass people. I guess that's their idea of fun, though, because the date was a huge success.

A what?

Thank you Albert. Val will be sure to think of you every time she's unable to leave her dorm because you left a big fucking fountain in front of the doors.

Well, at least she likes him well enough, even if he does beat the shit out of her and scream like a little baby man every time she hits back.

There's a little bit of college left, so I'm not 100% sure if GENERATION FOUR starts next update, but we'll see! Hope you guys liked Albert! See you next time.

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {3.4} The Forbidden Zone

It's getting weird. It's getting weird, stupid, and bad, and I don't know if I can be funny enough to compensate. Val really did a number on this Legacy, invoking Asmodeus like that. Worry not, the archdevil himself comes to collect what's his soon enough.

I've sent the girls and their cousins off to University, because Gen 3 was shockingly uneventful. Let's see their beautiful faces!

Ophelia: "Valeria and Portia are boring. My mom should've been heir."

At this point, I'm not sure I disagree.

Two of Cordelia's biological children made the cut by virtue of being absurdly good-looking and also kinda funny. Up top is Rosaline, a Knowledge/Romance sim, and below is her younger brother Julius, who is a Romance/Grilled Cheese sim, which is a wonderful combo.

And the final cousin who came to Uni is Yorick. I was sitting here watching him skill, when who should come up to the balcony but Portia. What could possibly be so interesting up here, I wonder!

LOOKS LIKE INCEST IS BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS! I know they're not blood-related, but it SQUIGS ME OUT SO FUCKING BAD! I'd also like to note that Portia was probably going to be heir when I sent the girls to college. Yorick had other plans for her.

Valeria: "You better not be doing what I think you're doing."

Portia: "SHUT UP, SKANK, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS I GOT HIM FIRST!"

Valeria: "Hey, Mom? YOU'RE NOT GONNA FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!"

Valeria: "PORTIAAAA MOM SAYS YOU'RE DISINHERITED IF YOU DON'T STOP GETTING FUCKED BY FAMILY MEMBERS!"

Portia: "MOM CAN SUCK MY ENTIRE ASS!"

Welp, that settles it! Congratulations, Val, your demon pact's working as intended. Your patron came through.

Valeria: "COOL NOW I CAN CAST ELDRITCH BLAST!"

No you can go get a fucking boyfriend is what you can do

Valeria: "Please set me up with a man so I don't end up like my sister!"

PLEASE BE A GOOD ONE PLEASE BE A GOOD ONE

WELL THAT'S FIVE GRAND DOWN THE DRAIN

Huh? You just fucking got here?

Old Professor: "I know when I'm not wanted."

Matchmaker: "Another job well done!" *celebratory jerk-off dance*

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I USE THE CHEATY CRYSTAL BALL TO GET DATES FOR EVERYONE. Let's see who's in the stars for Val!

ABSOLUTELY NOT

Valeria: "Are you guys seeing this shit?"

GOD I WISH I WEREN'T

Matchmaker: "BY THE POWER OF SCOLIOSIS YOU WILL HAVE A MAN!"

Better than whatever Necronomicon sex magic bullshit she'd get up to otherwise.

Date Number Two: Human Centipede Edition

Fun fact while Val's getting her first kiss: this guy here, Jordan, is who she ended up marrying in a previous version of the neighborhood. Knowing what I know now, I had her keep looking after this. He was boring, his kids were boring, everything was boring. I CRAVE EXCITEMENT AT ALL MOMENTS OF THE DAY.

Yorick: "Ugh, I'm sick of their PDA. Can't they do that in private?"

Can't you shove your head in a garbage disposal?

Weeaboo Niles: "WOAH GROSS WHAT AN UGLY BITCH!"

Thank you for your opinion, Grown Adult Man In A Kimono, I'm sure these college girls really give a shit what you think.

It's the FIRST SEMESTER and you still couldn't keep yourself alive? God maybe you deserve to be dead.

Yorick: *squealing and crying*

Too bad she died on the hour, so all her actual mourners immediately went to class lol. She got the dregs of sympathy after that.

Valeria: "UM EW, HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF A SHOWER??"

She's dead, Val. Corpses stink.

Valeria: "I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DECOMP PURGE AND PIT STANK AND THIS BITCH SMELLS LIKE A LOCKER ROOM!"

Why do you know what decomp smells like? You're an art major.

Valeria: "The scent of decay heralds the arrival of my beloved Asmodeus!"

Oh, good, as long as it wasn't murder-related.

Valeria: "We'll get to that."

This guy moved in and Portia really likes following him around and talking about sex and video games. He cannot stand either subject, so they hate each other as a result.

Portia: "I swear to God, it tastes like mint! The first time it happened I was like 'Oh my God, this is delicious!' and he was like 'Oh, for real?' and so I snowballed him, and-"

Guy: "Pause that excruciating story, would you? I need to talk to your sister."

Guy: "VALERIA MANWICH, THIS IS YOUR DEMONIC PATRON, THE PRINCE OF HELL, THE ARCHEDEVIL ASMODEUS. I WILL MAKE YOU ANOTHER DEAL: IF YOU SACRIFICE SIX DEPRAVED SOULS, I WILL BE ABLE TO ASSUME MATERIAL FORM AS A MORTAL MAN AND CLAIM YOU AS MY BRIDE!"

Valeria: "SAY NO MORE HOMEBOY I GOT YOU!"

Regan: "Oh, hey, Val! How's college?"

Valeria: "Not right now mom! Do you still have that cowplant? I really need to use it."

Regan: "SAY NO MORE HOMEGIRL I GOT YOU!"

Regan: "You sure showed up fast! Anyway, here it is! I hope it brings you as much joy as it did to me!"

Valeria: "Thanks Mom! You have no idea how much this means to me!"

Regan: "Promise me you'll kill Yorick first, I'm so tired of Portia calling and telling me about his penis and balls and butthole."

Valeria: "I know, Mom. We're all tired."

GET VORED, COUSIN FUCKER

Bye guys, see you next time when Valeria improves her K/D ratio.

[legacyofmanwich]

i dunno, are you offering

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {3.3} Your All-Licensed Fool

Welcome back to Legacy of Manwich, where Lillie is so very happy to see you! Yes, she's joining King Martin in old age at long last!

She didn't get a little birthday party like Martin did, though, because I'm forgetful. Also my game broke after I'd thrown her one and I had to roll back a save and didn't feel like throwing another one.

I don't think Lillie minds much, though! I can't imagine much bothers you in life when you age as well as she has.

Aw, she kinda reminds me of my real life mom! But I think this would be a very, very different Legacy if she was similar to her in any way other than appearance.

Lillie: "THAT CARTWHEEL WAS MEDIOCRE AT BEST. LOSE SOME WEIGHT AND LEARN A TRADE, WHY DON'T YOU!"

AAAAHHH STOP STOP STOP!!!! IT'S TOO REAL!!!

I think we all knew this was coming. Regan took a long look at her list of conquests and found them all lacking, so she's built herself the perfect man. Of course, she had to initiate him, because who else is more perfect for Regan than Regan herself?

This is Pocket, named after King Lear's jester in the novel Fool, noteworthy for being a conniving little shit and for fucking Lear's daughters. His stats are the same as Regan's and his LTW is to top the athletic career.

Regan: "I've created life! In the eyes of God, I am his equal!"

I don't think God's been in the picture since you were a toddler, baby girl.

Regan: "Damn, I really outdid myself, 'cause this guy's a HUNK!"

There is something psychologically wrong with this whole situation, if I'm being honest.

Yeah? His first ever social interaction and it's you soliciting him?

Whatever, at least it's consensual, I guess.

Regan: "OHHH BABY, YOU'RE SO FIIIIINE!"

I love your priorities, Regan, your daughter is sitting here trying to stop dying of heat stroke before CPS gets her ass and you're getting horny over Johnny 5.

I think this was the first indication that Pocket is the worst Servo. Just a big fucking bowl of cornflakes. King Martin's bumbling ass could accomplish that.

Pocket: "Begone from me, thou verminous wretch. It's called breakFAST. As in, get it done FAST. As in, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT."

Pocket: "Guess I should try to get to know you two. So, you kids watch anything good on television lately?"

Portia: "Oh my God, Val, imagine watching television. Couldn't be me."

Valeria: "We only watch police bodycam footage and Catholic exorcisms on YouTube, duh!"

Portia: "Yeah, so fututus moritor in igni, loser child. Enjoy prison."

Pocket: "... Did you just cast a hex on me?"

OHHH WHAT'S HAPPENING BACK THERE??

CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!

Pocket: "MY SENSORS INDICATE THE PRESENCE OF A MILF IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA."

Somehow they've had enough self-control to not continue pursuing each other. I was expecting Freud's Worst Nightmare on day one, but they've remained chaste. Could it be True Love? I'm sappy and drunk enough to think so!

And now, a montage of Pocket's weaponized incompetence!

Pocket: "Call me a loser? Cast a hex on me? Call me a loser?! I'll fucking show you!" *plink plonk*

Guess who cleaned up the trash, killed the roaches, cleaned up the corpses, and then contracted the flu for their efforts? Not fucking Pocket!

POCKET PLEASE, YOU ARE FULFILLING NEITHER THE "BANG" NOR THE "MAID" ASPECTS OF YOUR TITLE!!

Pocket: "I am not bound by the circumstances of my creation. I did not ask to exist."

I LOST A LEGACY POINT FOR YOU!!

Lillie, are you drunk?

nah just kidding shes fine

Pocket's losing his mind though, just a little. Sentience is a heavy burden, after all. So is playing pool all day and ignoring everyone until you start hallucinating, which is what Pocket chooses to do with said sentience.

(Why is the social bunny so fucked up and scary, by the way? I hate it)

Martin's become addicted to dancing in his old age, he's constantly starting Smustle groups or just busting it the fuck down. I like that the family has something to do together instead of ignoring each other or being antagonistic, so I let it happen. Pretty much any time he has nothing to do, he's dancing.

Portia and Valeria grew up, though!! I didn't notice until I'd extracted them way later for photoshoots, but Val's face is the exact same as her mother's and, likewise, Portia is a copy of her dad. THANKS FOR NOTHING, BATBOX.

Anyway, Portia rolled Knowledge and Romance with the LTW to top the Medical career, and Valeria rolled Pleasure and Popularity and wants to be a Celebrity Chef. Very cute! Very normal! Maybe there's hope for them!!!

Okay, Val, sure. We'll get you abducted by aliens. Maybe you'll get picked up by the same Gulf Breeze humanoids that picked up Regan's talking dog friend Hammurabi from a billion updates ago.

(Having grown up near Gulf Breeze, the humanoids in question were probably just methed-up rednecks and not actually aliens, but it can be hard to tell the difference if you're not a Florida native.)

And here's the girls playing... pool, I guess. Look, at this point, I'm just trying to pad for time until they head off to college, because that's where the wild shit happens.

I'm sure a lot of people laugh and wave dismissively at Sims 2 college shenanigans. How absurd, random sex and violence! How quirky, death and incontinence! My real life university campus was a hell hole. A guy was found dead on the hiking trail near my dorm. There was a Satanic altar completely accessible on campus. My first semester there, two kids got arrested for pooping on each other in the parking lot. Sims 2 takes place in Florida, confirmed.

On their first day of high school, one of the girls brought home their cousin, Ophelia, who is FUCKING GORGEOUS. Not sure why her cult leader mom chose to show up unannounced and uninvited, but sure! Indoctrinate these hoes!

Bernie: "Heard my glorious wife and daughter were here, so I thought I'd let myself in!"

I think Bernie might be cursed, because in addition to randomly turning Caucasian at some point in my playthrough, his appearance also heralded ReShade breaking. Sorry for the nasty pictures from this point on, I'll try to edit them to compensate!

What's wrong, Lillie? Aside from the image quality.

Lillie: "I practiced for years on that Game Awards speech and Geoff Keighley told me to wrap it up, so I guess I'm just gonna retire."

Dorito Pope strikes again.

Tried to have Valeria apply for some scholarships, but these are the options the game gave me. Looks like their college career ended before it even began.

Portia: "WHO NEEDS COLLEGE, I'M JUST GONNA BE A CLUB KID!"

That's a terrible idea, actually! Not like you'd be making better decisions at University, but I'm still gonna make you go!

That's where I'll leave you for now, I suppose! Next time: typical University nonsense!

Pocket: "WAIT DON'T FUCKING LEAVE ME HERE LIKE THIS!!!"

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, BITCH ASS

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {3.2} A Maid I Can Bang

Welcome back to the Legacy of Manwich, where we're at an all-time low for depravity, honestly.

Today is a dark day for King Martin.

IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!! Yes, I finally threw one of these jerks a birthday party. Look! All his favorite people are here! There's Lillie, Cordelia, Regan, Goneril, some lady I've never seen before, and two of Regan's fuckbuddies!

King Martin: "Wow! I've never felt so loved, surrounded by my family and all my closest friends!"

Jeez, Marty, you almost look dignified in your old age. Guess it helped that you looked like someone's creepy old uncle to start out with.

Well, enjoy your party! You've earned it!

King Martin: "Nah, fuck 'em, I'm gonna have sex with my wife!"

MAN LOOK I WENT THROUGH THE EFFORT OF THROWING THIS FOR YOU, THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS STICK AROUND FOR CAKE!

King Martin: "Why should I? My granddaughters didn't even show up!"

Well, clearly Regan thought they'd be better off unsupervised, screaming, and languishing in their own feces. Good thing the radio downstairs was blasting salsa music, otherwise the sounds of baby desperation would've really brought down the whole mood of the party.

With Regan and Lillie both working, I had Martin retire from his job so he could take care of Portia and Valeria and keep the house clean. He's a good enough grandad, however, Martin is a lazy little shit, and he and Regan are both complete slobs. Lillie is so consumed by her lust for Martin that she refuses to clean or do anything in his presence. In short, the girls are taken care of, but the house is a rancid mess.

So that's where you've been this whole time. You better not be up to anything illegal back here.

Regan: "Am I so untrustworthy that I can't craft a toy robot for my darling daughters to enjoy?"

Um. Yes?

SINGLE FEMALE LAWYER

HAVIN' LOTS OF SEX

*cough* OH LOOK IT'S THE GIRLS' BIRTHDAY! I hope they're cuties! Because if they're not I'm gonna jump off a building! Swear to God!! In Minecraft!!!!

Here's the damage! Valeria looks like a Little Rascals cast member who stopped growing at the age of 6 and is exhausted by another bitter divorce, and Portia's got tiny little bug eyes. Not sure which is better. I will hold off on roof jumping for now.

Can *you* tell who Martin's favorite is?!

Well, it works out okay in the end because Regan's favorite is definitely Portia. She's always doting on her, reading to her and tucking her into bed. It'd be cute, if Regan weren't the parenting equivalent of MKUltra.

Regan: "With a steady diet of hallucinogens, MREs, and whey protein, she'll be remote viewing by the time she's five!"

Honestly, she's more likely to be in the children's ward at the local psychiatric hospital.

The girls' toddlerhood was significantly less eventful than their mother's, so I don't have many pictures or much to say about it. These two spent it skilling and sleeping, Regan toiled away at her robot crafting station, Martin and Lillie banged a whole lot, and nothing funny happened.

Anyway, here's the girls grown up. They're both fully active and sloppy, but where Portia is shy, playful, and nice, Valeria is mean, serious, and outgoing. They are also both huge attention whores, which entertains me very much.

Despite Portia being Regan's favorite, Valeria's taking much more after her mother. Her default interests are insane; she hates everything except Sci-Fi, Paranormal, Crime, Politics, Money, and Health. Regan doesn't even like Paranormal shit, she shuts down ghost conversations so fast, so I'm worried Val's gonna be a special kind of unhinged.

Valeria: "HANDS UP MOTHERFUCKER, I SAW YOU GLOWING IN THE DARK AND YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO CONVINCE ME YOU'RE NOT A CIA PLANT!"

Portia: "Grandma sent me upstairs to say you need to take your Ritalin this morning or else you're grounded."

Valeria: "NICE TRY, FED! POW POW"

Valeria: "Listen here, Grandma, last night in my sleep I was visited by the archdevil Asmodeus disguised as an extraterrestrial. I made a pact with him that if he helps me become heir, I will give birth to an agent of ultimate moral corrosion, an entity of pure chaos that will glut itself on the suffering of men. It will be a cruel imitation of humanity, a sinister effigy, and gleefully it will rend the flesh of society until but bones remain. So you better start being nice to me right now!!"

Lillie: "That's nice. Did you take your medicine?"

Valeria: "No! It alters the chemistry of my brain and makes me susceptible to psychic manipulation!"

Lillie: "Okay, no internet for a week."

Valeria: "You have no power over me!"

Well, meanwhile, I've picked up the Storyteller mini-challenge, since I'm about to fail Do It Yourself here soon. So, Martin's writing his memoir! I like to imagine that before he chose to start a legacy, he was the head of a LARP guild for like twenty years, but it disbanded once all the members started having kids and getting jobs and shit and he can't move past the glory days.

King Martin: "Hmm. My agent says that if I cut out all the gratuitous sex scenes with my wife, my manuscript will go from 250k words to a very publishable 85k, but I'm not sure I want to forsake my artistic vision. Nay, I say! Nay!"

People will read any old crap, won't they? I was gonna add that this is another rare Martin W, but to be honest, he's living the life. Loving marriage, big family with loads of grandkids, retired from his dream job, lives in a beautiful house. I DIDN'T THINK HE COULD DO IT BUT HE DID AND I'M SO PROUD OF HIM!!!

Here's a grandkid or two now! On the first day of school, Portia brought home Cordelia's daughter, Rosaline. She's sweet, shy, and the most normal person to come out of this family so far. In the foreground is her half-brother Yorrick, who is the bane of my existence. Since he's Cordelia's husband's alien baby, he has no relation to Martin or the other Manwiches aside from Cordelia's kids, but he still has the last name of Manwich so I count him as a cousin.

Speaking of Cordelia, she showed up to visit her favorite little nieces!

Valeria: "I will now perform a stupendous feat of athleticism and acrobatics! Feast your eyes, audience!"

Cordelia: "FUCK YOUR ACROBATICS, YOU LITTLE GOBLIN! BOOO!"

Cordelia: "AW, YOU FAILED, WHAT A SURPRISE! DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB, DUMB ASS!"

Jesus Christ, Cordy, can you lay off? She's just a kid.

Valeria: "Asmodeus, help!"

Portia's performance, however, is received favorably by critics and audiences alike. Despite being so shy, Portia is constantly doing stunts and demanding attention from the adults in the family.

Unfortunately, adult attention is difficult to capture in this household.

Lillie: "WOOO! MY HUSBAND'S A BONAFIDE STUD! GO ME!"

I'm very pleased that Lillie and King Martin are such attentive grandparents, because I think CPS would've showed up a while ago without them. The girls are pretty needy, but spoiled, and they aren't as self-sufficient as their mom and two aunts. Not sure what it is about Portia and Valeria, but whatever it is, it makes Martin and Lillie step up and take care of them without complaint. Regan's been really busy with her sexy high-powered lawyer gig and her hobbies, so she's been absent lately. She'll be back, though.

(Also I made a mistake in an older update and said Regan was Romance/Pleasure. She's actually Romance/Fortune, but I still don't feel like that suits her.)

WHAT? NO!! I'M NOT READY FOR THIS! :(

Portia brought another cousin home from school the next day: Cordelia's adopted daughter, Cora. Get a good look at her, because I'm not certain she'll ever show up again, God bless. <3

Looks like Portia brought something else home from school today, too!

Portia: "Mom! Mom! I got an A+ on my report card! And my teacher said she really liked my essay on the JFK assassination! Mom, look!!"

Regan: "Not now, honey, mommy's building herself a bangmaid!"

That's all for now, so until next time! You can look forward to Grandma Lillie catching the plague, Regan's bangmaid joining the family, and ReShade breaking without me noticing for very many pictures! Bye!!

[legacyofmanwich]

one is attractive, smart, capable, and makes a lot of money, and the other is her husband

[legacyofmanwich]

photoshoot with my wretched girls

[legacyofmanwich]

Spares of Manwich #1

NO FANCY TITLE CARD FOR THIS ONE, SORRY!

Here's Cordelia and her husband, Pharaoh, who is a different Pharaoh than the guy with the mullet and mustache. I wish Cordy had married THAT guy, because THIS guy is so fucking annoying! He's a family Sim who wants 3 kids to graduate from college. Doesn't sound bad at first, I know.

Together they had Rosaline, seen here! And then Pharaoh got abducted by aliens, because I thought it'd be funny. It wasn't, and it would have far-reaching implications that result in the deterioration of all human decency in my fucking game for literally generations after.

Here's little Yorick. I hate him. I have nothing else to say.

So, to round out the three, I had them adopt a child, who I never took a picture of! Her name is Cora and she's boring. Then I left autonomy on and looked away for just long enough that Pharaoh IMMEDIATELY RE-IMPREGNATED CORDELIA. WITH TWINS.

Up top with red hair is Iago, and down below is Julius, who was abandoned immediately by his parents because they tried to go and fuck again. LIKE HELL YOU'RE MAKING MORE OF THESE. I'LL SCOOBY DOO CYBER CHASE MY ASS INTO THIS GAME AND STERILIZE BOTH OF YOU IF I HAVE TO.

MOVING ON.

Goneril got married to Bernie in a dinky little front-yard wedding, as is Manwich tradition. You can see perpetually-pregnant Cordelia back there, waddling fatly to her seat.

THEY ARE VERY CUTE TOGETHER! <3 Goneril is so beautiful in her wedding dress, and Bernie just adores her. Together, they have one daughter. Her name is Ophelia, and you'll be seeing her later on in the main Legacy! (I wish I had more pictures of her because she's genuinely one of the most gorgeous sims every born in my game)

And a good time was had by all!

Fur Coat Bitch: "I don't know any of these people. I don't even know why I'm here."

I SAID A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL!!

That's all the spare pictures I had (yes really) so I'll see you guys in the next 5 or so hours it's gonna take me to bang out the next update for the main house!

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {3.1} Stand Up For Bastards

It's time for the Legacy of Manwich yet again, where the girls are finally finishing up at University. None of them aspired to normal careers, as you can see with Cordelia. What have my Chaotic Evil little hooligans been up to?

Murder, it's murder, they've been murdering people. Our newly-appointed heiress Regan only has enemies or lovers, and most succumb to the cowplant.

Well, except public enemy number one, Margie, who gets to stick around for a couple more generations, the bitch.

Goneril proposed to Bernie, the handsome guy who cucked Pacey in the last update. Of course, she did it in the darkest part of the lot where the screenshot would look like utter shit, because her favorite pastime is vaguely inconveniencing me.

Aww, wholesome. Almost makes up for the amount of sin and debauchery going on here at all hours of the day.

Glad she loves him despite the fact that he lusted over Regan, publicly, in front of her. Kit, well, he just likes to watch.

Regan's quest for a guy to inseminate her (who is not fucking Bernie or Kit) continues, and she finds all of them lacking. I liked the last guy pictured, but after their date, he fucked off and she never heard from him again until after she gave birth. >:(( I don't want to force her to get married, because I hate making Romance sims settle down, so I'm mostly just looking for a guy with a cool face and interesting genetics.

Cordelia: "Oh, God, she chose the bucket hat guy?"

In defense of Odo, he has beautiful eyes. You just can't see them because he always wears sunglasses and never looks towards the camera.

Note: It's Regan's graduation party and Lillie and Martin spend the entirety of it making out or judging people.

Lillie: "My daughter has terrible taste in men."

She gets it from you~! <3

And off my girls go, into the world, to make it a generally worse place for everyone else to live in. Everyone except their own progeny, who will probably also end up being murderous, lascivious, unfriendly, maladjusted weirdos. Raised by these bitches, what else could they be?

I imagine the next slide will need context: I took breaks from the trio of terror to help Martin plug away at his career and lose weight, and then got Lillie a job as a ~Professional Gamer~ to fulfill her LTW. So, when I loaded Regan onto the home lot, I was greeted with this:

Regan's apparently corrupted her mother, but at least Lillie continues to be the one beacon of hope in this landfill inferno I called a Legacy. You know, I reread the Bohemian Legacy from the exchange recently and was charmed by the strong family bonds, the lovingly crafted storyline, and the endearing characters. Meanwhile my game's full of degenerates and psychopaths who would sell their own children to the organ trade if they felt even remotely slighted by them.

Well, let's get this fucking over with.

Odo: "Oh boy! Ready to have sex, Regan?"

Regan: *dissociates*

You can tell she's really excited to be a mother.

Just like Lillie, Regan's needs fucking TANKED the moment she conceived. I have almost no pictures from her pregnancy because she was constantly teetering on the edge of death, passing out, or pissing herself. (Remember, I have the Noble Composure handicap!)

I did capture this wholesome moment of father/daughter bonding.

AH, YES, THE MOST SANITARY OF PLACES TO GIVE BIRTH!

Taking yet another page from Lillie's Pregnancy Playbook, Regan had twins! That's Portia (Merchant of Venice) up top, with Martin's eye color, eeeee! Down below is Valeria, named for the character in Coriolanus. She's got most of her dad's coloring, just with a slightly lighter skintone.

With the new additions to the family, I built them a BIG FUCKIN HOUSE! No tour, there's no time for that, Regan's got a DATE COMING OVER!

Regan: "OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!"

This guy must be quite a catch for you to be so excited!

Oh ew what the fuck

Regan: "THIS IS KOTORI VAN DER MEER AND HE HAS AN ELEVEN INCH PENIS!"

Raise your standards, Regan.

This guy's not much better, actually.

Regan: "THIS WILL BE THE MOST CAUCASIAN SPITROAST EVER DEVISED!"

A special occasion for you but an average night during the Republican National Convention.

Regan: "SHRIIIEEEK I UNDERESTIMATED HOW LONG ELEVEN INCHES IS!"

Don't you have newborns to take care of?

Regan: "You're such a spoilsport, my parents are looking after them!"

Regan. REGAN. Did you forget how attentive your parents were for you and your siblings? REGAN???

Regan: "Can you shut up? Boyfriend #6 is here!"

Well, that's all I can do for now. Next time, we take a trip over to Goneril's and Cordelia's, Martin ages up, and hopefully things will be funny again because God knows this update wasn't! Until then!

[legacyofmanwich]

I love the absolute dumpster fire that is the Legacy of Manwich BUT I made the mistake of reading the first three chapters in the same room as my spouse, who was playing XCOM at the time, so I nearly gave myself an aneurysm because I was desperately trying to seem like I didn't find the hideous deaths of his soldiers hysterical.

I look forward to the release of each chapter, your writing speaks directly to my...I don't wanna say soul, but essence, maybe? Thank you for devoting time and effort towards brightening the days of other folk, myself included.

at risk of sounding lame, this really made my day, and possibly my week! i'm really glad other people enjoy my silly little guys and my silly little commentary.

just gonna print this out and frame it, don't mind me

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {2.6} Open Heir Cemetery

Welcome back to the Legacy of Manwich, where I have no idea what to call this installment, but I do know who I'm picking as heir! Well, to be accurate, I asked a singular dude which of Martin's daughters he liked best and went with that one.

Last time, Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia went off to college and immediately started getting dicked down by the absolute worst men my game could conjure. Will any of them develop taste? Let's find out!

Here's one of many pictures of Pacey being completely incapable of taking care of himself, something that annoyed me so much that I had Goneril start looking for a new boyfriend ASAP. (Also because I just plain do not like Pacey)

Luckily for her (and for me) this gorgeous man appeared in the phonebook. Look at his eyes! His cheekbones! I immediately decided that this is who Goneril's marrying because their kids would be STUNNING. Pacey could never.

Regan: "Who's this fat narcoleptic blocking the treadmills?"

In real life, guys like this would be socially ostracized. Pacey has at least 3 girlfriends in the dorm thanks to ACR.

Here's one of them now!

Margie: "DON'T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT HIM YOU WHORE!"

Regan is completely unhinged and slightly removed from reality, dude, you really don't want her as your enemy.

Regan: "You think you're tough, you fluoride-brained primate? I contract radiation sickness for fun. I eat DMT for breakfast and wash it down with stem cells and blood plasma. I have killed you a thousand times on the astral plane in a thousand different ways. Don't mess with me."

Look, that might work on a middle-aged republican during a road-rage incident, but this is a college girl. College girls have no concept of fear or self-preservation, their only instinct is to cause suffering.

Regan: "Hey, Han Solo, remember me? I'm all grown up now and ready to suck your balls out through your dickhole."

Shea: "Wow! What a charming and eloquent young woman you grew up to be!"

Ugh, gross. Go away.

Margie: "Oh, Regan's out here sucking dick, what a surprise!"

Regan: "THAT'S IT, YOU'RE FINISHED!!!"

WHAT?! THAT FIGHT WAS RIGGED, REGAN HAS 9 BODY SKILL POINTS!

~epic working out montage~

Capped off with your epic sci-fi deflowering in the photobooth, huzzah!

Regan: "MY POWER LEVEL HAS INCREASED TENFOLD AND I AM READY TO THROW DOWN."

Alright, Vegeta, off you go! Get her ass!

TOTAL CO-ED DEATH! REGANBROS WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK!

YEAH NOW STEAL HER BOYFRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER LIKE THE CW DRAMA ANTAGONIST YOU WERE BORN TO BE

Okay you didn't have to go that far. >:(

Pacey's stank dick was so lackluster that Regan shacked up with this cutie. Unlike Han Solo, Regan never announced that she was bisexual, so this was a big surprise.

Kit: "My girlfriend's so hot when she's making out with her girlfriend in front of me!"

Don't you have pants to piss or something?

If it wasn't obvious by now, Regan ended up being heir by virtue of being way more interesting than her sisters. Of course, I love Goneril and Cordelia very much, but how can you beat the blood-thirsty, cock-hungry queen of conspiracies?

So, congrats, Regan! What're you gonna do to celebrate?

Regan: "I CAN THINK OF A COUPLE THINGS!"

Regan: *huff huff huff huff*

Regan: *KERSLAP!*

You hauled ass all the way out here just for that?

So things carried on like normal for a while, and I noticed: why is no one fucking in the photobooth? The girls constantly have dates over, but every time I try to get them into the photobooth, they get right back out.

Turned out, stupid fucking Pacey got glitched into the photobooth and couldn't leave. Force Error time!

His ass fell right out, and there was much rejoicing.

Goneril: "Dumb ass boy, always wantin' more Fuckin' with my sister and you hit the floor Try to talk, but you ain't even here Out like a light like you got nothin' to fear Floor-nap Bitch, you're always taking a fall Dropping like a rock with no warning at all Chewin' up the carpet like a lesbian Sleepin' with the floor like it's your girlfriend!"

Pacey: "zzzzzzzzzBarszzzzzzzz"

This is lame, what's Cordelia up to?

Cordelia: "This rotten, moldy mac 'n cheese sure doesn't taste very good!"

I wonder why!

Luckily, Regan got picked up by the Secret Society, so now I can talk about that! Because tumblr doesn't let me upload more than 30 images, I've left out a lot of Regan's sexcapades across campus, but it was enough that they all wanted her to join!

(No handcuff jokes, everyone's already done every possible handcuff joke since 2005.)

Oh, cowplant? Don't mind if I do!

Margie: "OH HELL NO SHE BETTER NOT USE IT ON ME!"

Please, I'm not THAT lucky. You live, unfortunately.

PACEY HOWEVER BITES THE BIG ONE! PRAISE THE LORD! Hanako, Regan's weeaboo girlfriend, is surprisingly broken up about it. :(

Hey, Goneril, one of your boyfriends died.

Goneril: "Okay? I don't see how that's my problem?"

Fair enough! See you all in another few days when Regan starts her cowplant killing spree! As always, thanks for reading!

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {2.5} Like No One's Watching

If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

Welcome back to Legacy of Manwich, where I'm not nearly inebriated enough. Last time, Goneril and Regan grew into a couple of weird, angry sluts, just like their namesakes.

Look who's finally working towards his stupid Lifetime Want! Try not to have sex with a dolphin, Martin, I know that's shockingly difficult for people in your career path.

King Martin: "SHUT UP IT HAPPENED LIKE ONCE OKAY!"

Regan: "Now, I don't believe in Agartha, I think that's Nazi bullshit, but the Hollow Earth diplomats did sign a non-disclosure agreement with the Vatican in 1632 to hide the locations of the entrances. Everyone knows there's the two in the south and north poles, but I believe there's at least one in every major city that world leaders use to travel the globe. That takes us to Operation Highjump... Wait, what did you say about a country album? Sorry, I don't listen to anything other than black metal and harsh noise."

Baby girl, I don't think Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel wants to hear about your theories, or Rotting Christ for that matter. Why don't you go spend some time with your sister?

Regan: "Wow, Cordelia! It says right here in the book of Revelation that you're a filthy stink goblin sent straight from toilet hell!"

Cordelia: "I'm sick of the Bible, can we read Dr. Seuss instead?"

I'm reasonably sure the only books Regan owns are the Bible and The DaVinci Code.

Goneril's putting all 9 of her nice points to good use.

Goneril: "And who let YOU out of anime club, you goofy bitch?"

Toni: "You're just jealous I have friends!"

And now she comes by every night to steal the newspaper or kick over the trash can. Thanks, Goneril!

Goneril: "I don't need anyone except for my beloved sisters! <3"

I need to get you girls some friends or dates or something because you're way too insular. Not to mention entirely socially stunted, good lord.

Regan: "Hey! I have friends! Look who I brought home from school!"

Oh yeah? What's her name?

Regan: "Oh! Uh, um... Hmm... Meadow Thayer?"

Nice try. Go watch your little sister grow up.

Cordelia: "I wish to be super hot, and for Shiba to install ReShade soon so these screenshots look nicer!"

Yeah, it's gonna be like Gen 3 before I get around to that, and even then I forget to turn it on most times. What was the other wish?

Aww, she turned out very cute! She looks a lot like her mom, but she has Martin's nose! Cordelia rolled Pleasure/Knowledge and her LTW is to be a Criminal Mastermind. I don't think I ever mentioned what the twins' were, but Goneril wants to be a Cult Leader (lmao) and Regan wants 20 Simultaneous Lovers.

Just in case you were wondering what Martin and Lillie have been up to this whole time. And yes, their weird ass daughters STILL come into the room when it happens!

Goneril: "If y equals -3x plus 4, and x plus 4y equals -6, then what are x and y? Mom? Dad? How do I solve this?"

Martin and Lillie: "ooohh hehehe mm smooch smooch hehe <3"

Goneril: "Shiba? Do you know?"

Sorry, kid, I failed Algebra II twice.

Meanwhile, Regan remembered she's a Romance sim and started charming the pants off Agamemnon.

Regan: "I heard how you called my dad a creep at the gas station. That's very sexy and masculine of you."

Agamemnon: "Oh! Gee, um, thanks?"

Goneril: "Did I just hear you insulted my dad? That's pretty hot, actually!"

Agamemnon: "I am confused, but aroused!"

Regan ultimately won out over her sister, because she is by nature a Huge Skank.

Agamemnon: "I am in townie heaven either way!"

Regan: "Uh, Mom!!! You are totally embarrassing me right now!!"

In defense of your parents, this is THEIR room and the door was closed. Why don't you go apply for some scholarships so I can get you voyeurs the hell out of here?

Oh, never mind, the game glitched the fuck out. OFF TO COLLEGE YOU GO, POOR AND DESTITUTE LIKE THE REST OF US!

Here's the girls, all grown up! I gave them some appropriate make-overs, declared their majors, and set them loose on the dormie population!

You out-of-shape motherfuckers don't even know what horrors have been unleashed. (I don't remember what most of their names are because they are all dead, spoilers.)

This guy here that Regan's got in her clutches is Kit Reznor. I just wanted to mention that because I like his edgy name and also he's a big fucking loser.

Goneril: "Ugh! Ew! This guy smells like piss and BO!"

Come on, Kit, it's the morning of the second day of the term, you can't be doing this shit already.

Kit: "Please don't touch me, I'm really not in the mood."

Regan: "Huh? Why? What's wrong?"

He's soaked in fucking urine, dude, what's wrong with you?

Regan: "Cordy, can you fucking believe it? Kit turned me down!"

Cordelia: "Kit? The piss guy? You tried to get with him?"

I'm not sure what's more embarrassing, being so desperate that you're hitting on the pants-wetter or being turned down by said pants-wetter.

She moved on pretty quickly, with some guy named Odo who might be even more humiliating to be seen with. You'll be seeing a lot of Odo later, but he doesn't currently live in their dorm building. (Which is kind of a blessing because this place is Hell)

Don't worry, Cordelia and Goneril are also getting ass with these nerds. Cordelia's boytoy is Terrance and Goneril's is Pacey. I hate both of them terribly.

Terrance: "Wow, are you guys sisters? Sexiness really runs in the family, huh?"

Regan: "Legacy eugenics will do that, yeah."

Cordelia: "I'M WATCHING YOU BITCHES!"

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?!

Goneril: "I DON'T KNOW BUT IT FEELS STRANGELY FAMILIAR!"

She put it out, miraculously, but that's all I have room for today! Until next time!

[legacyofmanwich]

yeah, Niles the Toilet Weeaboo? you want to go to japan?? gee whizz

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {2.4} Learning and Growing

Welcome back to Legacy of Manwich, where my kids are super well-adjusted, thanks for asking. Last time, Goneril and Regan were punished by God for existing and Lillie gave birth to King Martin's third and final daughter, Cordelia.

King Martin: "Time to go to bed, little baby!"

Cordelia: "At long last."

Yeah, it took these bozos almost 48 entire hours before they thought to put her in her crib. The back of her head's probably flat.

Regan: "MOM DO YOU SUBSCRIBE TO THE THEORY OF BELIEF THAT JESUS CHRIST WAS IN FACT A GREY ALIEN?"

Lillie: "No? What the hell are you talking about?"

Maybe you should get out of the house more, kiddo. Make some friends.

I was kinda hoping you'd make friends with, I dunno, human beings? Preferably normal ones?

Regan: "Hammurabi accepts me and my radical views."

Please, they're not radical. Everyone knows aliens are Biblical demons from another dimension.

Hammurabi: "ON FEBRUARY 12TH, 1988 I WAS TAKEN ABOARD AN OBLONG-SHAPED CRAFT IN GULF BREEZE, FLORIDA AND FIVE HUMANOIDS IMPLANTED A DEVICE IN MY SINUS CAVITY THAT EMITS ITS OWN RADIO FREQUENCY AND NOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN READ MY THOUGHTS."

Regan: "OH SHIT!"

Regan: "Dad, I found a dog, can I keep him? He's blackpilled."

King Martin: *SNORE*

Sorry, kid, but Hammurabi needs to leave. I don't think he took his medication this morning.

Here's toddler Cordelia! She's got a different personality than her sisters, not quite as active as them but just as nice, while also being shy, neat, and serious. I like the diversity!

Lillie: "Who wants to learn a nursery rhyme? :D"

Cordelia: "NO WAY LADY I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

Thanks for inviting another shitty wolf into the house, Goneril.

Goneril: "Mom, I got an A+ at school! Aren't you proud of me?"

Lillie: "HAHAHA! HAHA! HAHAHAHA! Hoo, boy, that's a good one. Run along, now, your father and I were in the middle of fondling each other."

Goneril: :(

Goneril: "Whatever, I checked out emotionally a while ago."

A third grader should not have the bitter heart of a line cook; why don't you go play in the dirt or harass Minecraft YouTubers or whatever it is kids like to do these days? Bring some youthful whimsy into this household for God's sake.

Cordelia's a little prodigy with 7 points of logic skill already. I don't think I've ever had a kid skill this fast without cheating before.

I also didn't peg Goneril as being the artsy type, but she's slinging masterpieces left and right, it's kinda awesome. The girls are all really pretty self-sufficient and are in relatively high spirits most of the time, so long as there's leftovers in the fridge for them to pilfer.

Cordelia: "NOW I AM BECOME DRAGON, DESTROYER OF THATCHED-ROOF COTTAGES!"

I'm sorry, I'm really at my wit's end with costumes, you're gonna have to change.

Here's all three girls as kiddos. I gotta say, Goneril is the most beautiful of the three, but Cordelia's really stealing my heart with her disheveled little weirdo look.

Unsurprisingly, Lillie and Martin are fucking dorks and really only spend time with their daughters when the PS1 is involved. Thank you, Crash Bandicoot, for bringing this family together.

Regan: "SMELL YOU LATER, HAN SOLO."

Han Solo: "Hiya, girls! I'm bisexual!"

Huh? What?

Okay? Thanks for stopping by and telling us your sexual identity completely unprompted?

God damn it, Martin.

OH LOOK THE TWINS AGED UP! Goneril rolled Popularity/Family and Regan rolled Romance/Pleasure, which I'm not mad about. They're also both super gorgeous. There's not many pictures of them after this because I had them both hunker down and start working towards some scholarships.

Goneril: "HELLOOOO FAMILY I'M HOOOOME AND I BROUGHT A FRIEEEEND!"

What friend? The pissed-off girl in the background or the influenza that's gonna infect the entire house?

Tiara: "WHAT IS THIS STRANGE NEW TECHNOLOGY?!"

A 30 year old game console, any other questions, grandma?

Goneril: "YOU LITTLE SHIT IF YOU WEREN'T A MINOR I'D KICK YOUR ASS."

Cordelia: "MEET ME OUTSIDE BITCH AND WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE REAL MINOR HERE!"

It's just Crash Team Racing, chill the fuck out

Lillie banged out a bestselling novel this afternoon and Martin and Cordelia are still here playing fucking bing bing wahoo into the evening.

Aww, how darling! How quaint! It would be so much cuter if it weren't 9:30 in the morning and Cordelia's just now getting to bed!

Next time: College, probably!

[legacyofmanwich]

Legacy of Manwich {2.3} Divine Intervention

But yet, thou art my flesh, my blood, my daughter. Or rather, a disease that's in my flesh, which I must needs call mine.

Welcome back to the Legacy of Manwich, where I'm not tired of King Lear references yet. Last time, King Martin's twin daughters grew from filthy, malnourished infants into filthy, malnourished toddlers, and also Lillie is pregnant again. Yay! More kids to neglect!

King Martin: "And so because of the flashing purple madness, custom cars were deleted from the Downloads folder and your father will never own the bitchin sports car he deserves."

Yeah, this update comes on the tail end of me having to clean out my downloads folder for the first time. The only vehicles anyone's going to be allowed to drive are the ones you build yourself, because I don't see no dealership around this dump-ass town.

The custom food gets to stay, though. That looks tasty as fuck.

Lillie: "Remember that scene in Breaking Dawn where Bella makes the fried chicken when she's pregnant?"

Yeah, I guess?

Oh, right, another baby. It really is only one this time, I checked! No quads here, thank God.

Martin looks like he's ready to give birth himself. Lillie's attracted to fitness, so he'll have to shape up soon. I'm in no rush, because they bone enough as it is.

Shitty walls-down picture because I need to properly convey the fact that the girls absolutely beeline for the bedroom every time these two have sex. They'll be in the other room skilling or playing with toys and drop everything just to come watch. A bit creepy, if you ask me.

Regan: "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THIS IS VERY EDUCATIONAL!"

Optimistic of you, game, that you think they'll get a birthday party. They're lucky if they get fed most of the time. (Also Lillie and Martin have literally no friends to invite lmfao)

I don't know how this even happened, since Martin rarely interacts with either twin.

Regan: "DAD'S TAKING ME INSIDE, GOOD LUCK WITH THE WOLVES BITCH!"

Goneril: "What? Huh?"

Tamiko: "This is the best day of my life."

Lillie would sacrifice her firstborn to join a wolf pack, guaranteed. Don't worry, Martin came back out and brought her to the nursery, where the girls will be safe!

God: "No, fuck this, this has gone on long enough, I'm smiting your shitty children."

AAAAAAHH NO NO NO NO WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

Lillie: "DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS!!"

I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE AROUND HERE IS COMPETENT

OKAY MARTIN CAN YOU WAIT A FUCKING SECOND?

Pictured above: this fucking terrible legacy

The girls survived, miraculously, and aged into children. Between Lillie's painting and Martin's income, I was able to build them a new, nicer house and tear the old one down!

Regan: "WHERE'D MY FUCKING HOUSE GO?!"

Goneril: "Sigh... I'll miss that house."

The house you spontaneously combusted in? That house?

Despite Goneril's stupid face here, I think they're turning out super cute. They're both incredibly active and nice, but where Goneril is shy, neat, and playful, Regan is outgoing, sloppy, and serious. You'd never be able to tell they're both nice sims, because they sure don't act like it.

BABY TIME LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO

Here's Cordelia! And I am hereby closing the baby factory, no more unprotected sex. I'm watching you sluts.

Goneril: "Wooo! More King Lear!"

Regan: "Dad if you ask us how much we love you when you're old, I'm not gonna hold back, you're fucking terrible."

King Martin: "That's fair, honestly."

Lillie: "Meet your daughter, hon!"

King Martin: "Wow, uh, cool. Super cool."

Huh? That's all? Where'd the baby go?

Lillie: "Beats me."

You too?

Cordelia: "Is this just kinda the norm around here, or...?"

Not really. Martin's paying attention to Regan and Goneril, that never happens.

King Martin: "EEEEEK CORDELIA'S GONNA READ MY DIARY!!!"

Cordelia was born less than an hour ago, Martin.

And so she stayed there for pretty much her whole infancy. :(

Regan: "Listen up, dad. This place sucks, and me and Goneril are gonna run away. Don't try and stop us."

Goneril: "Yeah, we mean it, dad."

King Martin: "lol okay bye!"

Regan: "ALRIGHT HERE WE GO WE'RE RUNNING AWAY! FOR REAL!"

Alright, girls, I'll see you in the next update. Have fun.