leoolol2

[leoolol2]

if they play it yall better thank me and only me

[leoolol2]

1/10/2024

I woke up at 5:30, took a bath and ate some bread and drank coalhada. i also watched the music video to "a little less sixteen candles, a little more "touch me"" by fall out boy again because it needs to be forever ingrained in my brain.

went to class today, a bunch of unimportant shit happened and i got into a lot of stress. i kinda isolated myself and stuff. accidentally began scratching myself.

either way i went home and ate some food, not rly important either. i dont have flute class today but tmrw i have a test. im so fucked. but i went to the library to return a book that i had. it was fun, i talked to the old man and he was fun. i then went to the music store buy a music stand.

after i went home i talked to my mom a bunch and went to my room study. i practically didnt study anything, but its fine. i studied a bit yesterday, anyway. tomorrow i'll study even more if i have the chance. i also played the flute! gonna have an audition on friday for my schools presentation and me and my friends made a band so that we can play together<3 honestly theyre so nice and i like them a lot, even if i dont rly know them that much.

i began watching one of the my chem concert vids that are on the internet (from 2022) and stuff, i was super happy and now im super dysphoric (like i have been for the whole day, honestly) because of something my friend said. its stupid, really. "i hate all men (ur an exception)". thats a compliment, but fuck dude that just made me so unenergetic out of no where? i wanna cry.

i think my ex-situationship also posted abt me on their whatsapp status lol. "is it casual now?" yeah you wanted it to be casual. i dont want it to be casual, though. i wrote you a fucking 33 line essay talking about how much i liked you. whatever, though. you lost me when you said that you didn't want nothing until later when you literally say that you love me every five seconds?

either way im going back to the mcr concert to see if that makes my mood better. if not i'll write here again.

passed out before i could post this (now yesterday). either way mcr concert hyped me the fuck up again. oh and yesterday i bought a wig! thats silly imo. im gonna style it for my nina the killer cosplay once it comes :)

[leoolol2]

30/09/2024

I woke up at 5 am today. began studying at about 7 am because I ate some breakfast (toast and some coalhado (which i dont know what its name is in english)). i did most of my hw, so hooray for me! gonna finish it up in a second after a 20-30 minute break.

i also dont have class today, so thats good :). well, not that much because I needed my spanish class today for thursday's exam, but it happens. i also listened to some music that i used to listen to in 2024. :) (for some clarification about my mood, its between ecstatic and numb. i dont understand this at all. nevermind, im kinda feeling bad again)

i set up my keyboard! so i now have a silly lil think i can play w occasionally now :3 i no longer feel bad

i once again feel bad as fuck, botei um pouco de macarrão, carne com legumes, batata doce, and carrots to eat. dads annoying me about me eating less than usual.

grandma gave me a packet of cookies. theyre good. i ate all of them.

i wrote a whole ass essay with a headache. its probably shit. and also i found one of my fav celebrity's nudes on the internet??? lol

꒰꒰・┄┄┄┄・rants section・┄┄┄┄・꒱꒱

13:31. i hate my voice so much. its too high pitched. i hate eating. i hate how fat i look to myself. i hate hair. i hate how femjnine i am. i hate my chest so much oh my fucking god.

18:03. back home from music school. thought about killing a kid for being annoying. ppl are annoying.

[leoolol2]

29/09/2024

I wasn't expecting something this big, but here is my second day of writing.

anotação pro meu psicólogo: o senhor pode me fazer um relatório pra eu ir pro psicólogo da minha mãe, por favor? ela queria que eu fosse porque eu realmente tô com dificuldade de estudar mesmo estudando fora do meu quarto, e ela achava que o meu quarto era o problema. :) obrigado.

Well, I can't sleep. Like, at all. So here I am, already writing this in 2:30 AM! I probably will have an all-nighter and wtv, I should be productive tonight.

I was a bit productive, doing some of my math homework and watching some mvs from my fav bands until 4 am and then just passing out. I then woke up at 9, and my mom wrote some of my fav bands on my nails! i forgot to mention yesterday that i painted my own nails at night. (mcr and p!atd). i also took a bath in the morning and washed my hair; something i think i havent done for about 1 or 2 weeks? i think im getting worse, mental health wise, but i dont know. i'll update this once the afternoon ends. I also ranted a bunch about mcr and fob to my mom, and she complained about linkin park to me. i love my mom and having similar interests with her! My brother came to visit us today! :)

I ate some actual meal today: broccoli, rice, just a bit grinded meat, sweet potato, and normal potato. The broccoli tasted like shit. I also drank peach tea. After lunch, we went back home and got my Nina the Killer cosplay jacket to a dressmaker so that she could put a zipper on it. We then went to get some icecream at McDonald's! I ranted a bunch about MCR again but this time to my brother. :)

After that we went back home and my family decided to put up the shelf I had on my floor for the longest time. It's a bit crooked, but I don't mind, honestly. I now have a bunch of shit I need to put up on the shelf once more, though. It's all on my bed, making me barely able to sit here and write this on my PC. Well, I should put up my stuff on my "new" shelf.

after scrolling through tumblr a bunch my mom did my nails for me. it was fun. i only got a top coat added because my black nail polish is on the verge of dying but its fine! i'll buy some later. my nails are not shiny, though.

i did some of my hw, and also got my piano out of under my bed! my friend also got me in contact w this russian boy, i think hes cute. hes in brazil too, so i rly hope he replies to my dm on insta.

im so so soo sleepy, so im gonna go sleep after i finish at least this teacher's hw. its 21:47, for the record. i didn't stay up that late today. still, im gonna post this. i hope whoever reads this has a good day!

꒰꒰・┄┄┄┄・rants section・┄┄┄┄・꒱꒱

this is a section i made up to see if any time i have any rants, i come here!

so it will be more in depth than the actual casual diary. (i also will mention when exactly i wrote it!)

12:52. thinking about how my therapist tells me to act as my own best friend. i dont know how, genuinely. i cannot. maybe i can suck my own dick sometimes and tell myself im so hot and the best person in the world, but thats obviously not true. its not like i feel like that all the time, either. from a day to another i suddenly feel like the worst person alive. its not as if someone tells me that i am, or something triggers me. i just feel that out of no where. but whatever.

16:22. My dad doesn't understand that yelling at my dog doesn't do anything. It just makes her madder and more pissed off at the world and makes me actually feel sick and about to cry. I want to protect her from everything. I don't want to be here, I want to go away with her and fuck everything else. I won't be missed probably anyway. The only people that would miss me is my online friends, who doesn't really know me in real life. Well, I guess some that have this blog can now know more about me. :)

16:26. Thinking about the ripped up letter. I wasted 2 hours of my night writing that for a girl who didn't even want me romantically. She just wanted to have fun, someone to kiss with no feelings truly attached. I guess that would be fun if my feelings didn't feel so extreme. Someone I love can become someone I despise just because of a small mistake they didn't really mean to do. Well, I try not to be too mad at them for that, but this isn't the case of that anyway. I wanted her to be my girlfriend but she didn't want to have anything romantic. She practically cut ties and said that she had shit for yesterday when she used to be so excited to see me some time ago. Maybe it was an excuse that she made. Either way, we're not talking. I don't really care about her. I care about the time and words of mine that she wasted.

17:46. i was listening to music and back to the old house reminds me of them so much. fuck. i miss frank.

17:59. i feel too feminine, doing my nails and liking girly things. my face is too feminine, my voice is too feminine. everything about me, the way i walk, talk, read out loud, interact with my friends. absolutely everything. i want to cry thinking about it because i dont want to. maybe this is an internalized issue of some sort. i really need to address this in therapy, probably.

18:17. I just noticed im going back to my "scenecore"/crunkcore phase. fuck. one of my worst, honestly.

18:30. just wanna mention how amazing i feel rn:3 feeling on top of the world is so good !!

18:58. winderson is making me rage. makes me want to punch him or throw it somewhere. but he's my baby, i cant do that.

[leoolol2]

28/09/2024

day 1 of writing on this thing. maybe i'll feel better after writing here.

i'll write timeline wise - meaning that im going to tell what i did in the morning and then what i did in the afternoon and then night.

so, to start, my morning wasnt too eventful. not any of the day was. i ate breakfast, the same as always. a piece of bread with a nutella like substance and some yogurt. after that i tried studying but procrastinated. oh, and my parents went out to buy a car with my grandparents.

in the afternoon i ate some cupnoodles, since my parents weren't home and i needed a quick lunch. i procrastinated even more talking to my friend and watching music videos of my favorite bands! i also thought a lot about stuff that happened yesterday - some of which i will get into more in the end of this entry because it's not really related too much to today. i procrastinated even more playing fnf, since i discovered that its actually a very fun game instead of it just being cringe. either way i did some of my hw, not enough to feel fulfilled and like this day was a good one, though. oh, and my ex finally just cut ties with me, which is kinda shitty bc i rly liked their company as a friend but whatever.

at night i played some roblox with my friends and called my friend! i also went out to eat with my mom and dad. i got stressed, though, since i began thinking about tomorrow and how i wanted to go sleep early to wake up at about 6 am to already get ready and stuff like that. because of how stressing that was i began to twitch and almost relapsed in scratching myself, since i do hurt myself occasionally with my nails. but i didn't, which makes me a bit proud of myself! and now, at 11 pm, im crying a bit for no reason! (probably dysphoria.)

yesterday, friday, i overheard some of my classmates that sit behind me talking shit about this girl that thought she was transmasc. (and, well, she was in that friendgroup too.) she was talking about how her name used to be this and how she only tried to get girls with that and wtv, and i really support people understanding their identity even if it's not what you expect it to be! but what really got to me was them talking about how "what type of man would like to play with barbies? or feminine stuff?" it truly made me feel so disphoric, because i am feminine. i know that i am. i fucking hate that i like more feminine stuff. i hate that i like sanrio, for example. and i havent hated that part of myself for so long that i forgot what this felt like, but its back and i hate hate hate it. i forgot how it felt to just exist and not feel immense dysphoria over something so small in the grand scheme of things.

but, either way, that was my day and hooray for me to survive another one! thank you for reading if you have. i love you all and i hope you have a wonderful day/night <3

[leoolol2]

firstly, hello !

main blog for those who are interested: @leoolol

my name's Leo, I'm 16 and a trans brazilian man. I'm also unlabled sexuality wise, but that's fine! This blog was only created because of a tiktok video that was talking about how us trans people should document our lives to inspire others! so this is exactly what I wanted to do with this.

I love music (playing and listening), writing, books, games, long youtube videos, vtubers, and my friends! along with my older brother, my mom, my doggie (nori) and just animals in general

I hope that my life gives you a light on how some people's lives are! :3

warning for this blog: it will probably contain mentions of gender dysphoria, transphobia, homophobia, self harm, anxiety, stress, depressive thoughts, etc. please only proceed if you truly are okay with these issues. i don't want to cause any harmful effects on anyones lives because of my own life.