leshitshow - Tumblr blog

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Debating moving this blog over to Write Freely where I know the staff aren't tech bros.

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rewriting my linkedin is traumatizing

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God I wish this was all I had on my todo list.

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I love how it's Sunday evening and by 11pm I'm in full anxiety attack mode. It's making me tired af. Sleep is usually an excellent remedy for my anxiety but the idea of going to sleep is just making it worse. All because I didn't do art and yard work this weekend. And resume stuff. I did clean my kitchen but it's more like I started an organization project and feel like it's just made everything look worse. I also did sew my partner's pants but the tears are way worse than I anticipated so I only got a quarter of the way done. I did go for a walk. That was nice. And I also dealt with my landlord and went to a march with a friend. That was nice. I didn't figure my ballot out and that stresses me out. I think the worst is knowing I still have to get out of my current job. This is the breadth of the anxiety. And ofc the attack comes with painful joints, breathing issues, heartbeat issues, and so on. So yea. Yay for me.

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I'm so glad they took my wfh away so I can sit in my office today and listen to the 65 year old black Trump supporting male boss make six full figures to incessantly and loudly complain about how he has to do his job.

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I just got this shit in my employee email today. It is, hands down, one of the most condescending things my piece of shit company has ever sent. Employee appreciation? Fuck you.

Been working here for five years without a fucking raise, you cunts. And the Dir. of HR, and supposedly the GM and Ass GM both don't believe in giving part timers raises. Ever. Like, the people who are here to carry the load of the work in this shitty company, the people the execs love to throw under the bus for their failures, the people who make significantly less aren't allowed to get raises? And they took part timers work from home privileges away. Yea. I hope every one of these people's homes burn to the ground.

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Career / job search continues

There's this convention in town called ViBe... yea. We can make fun of the name and spelling as well as the fact that the website is a fucking disaster. Which is hilarious because it's supposed to be a health tech show. The whole show's presentation is sloppy af, including using commercial graffiti for stuffy Silicon Valley bros, hospital directors, and doctors. Ask my why I thought the attendees would be worth my time looking over them since I am looking for informatics gigs in health? I have looked at the morning roster for day 1 and every single company talking and listed have below a 4 rating on Glassdoor and Indeed. So a tech show that is supposed to be attracting well to do health industry folks is using really bad commercial graffiti, their website is BAD, and, as an added bonus all their special guests abuse the shit out of workers. Depression and frustration aren't the kind of ViBe I want in healthcare work. Sorry.

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Every day

im considering bursting into tears

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This is a vital rule. Honestly. I get sadder when I'm tired.

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i love being tired at 11:30 am, it's so great. /s

[leshitshow]

I'm looking for a job and one employer showed me that there are actual certifications I wish every employer had. I have conditions similar to endo and meno. I am not always able to do the office thing. I'm gonna start sending this to every job I do and don't apply to, to show them where they stand. I mean, like - get your shit together employers. Your employees aren't robots.

[leshitshow]

Job hunting notes.

So far I have applied to a research lab, the CDC, a handful of NFPs that focus either on ACEs, consumer privacy legalities, or the development of data tracking fascism and hate. I've also applied to a couple of paid internships. Tonight I sent Tufts Med School an internship app. It's like, I don't even really care if I get hired. I just like being acknowledge. Some places send me an auto reply thanking me for my submission. Some, just completely ignore me. I got one rejection letter back. That rejection letter felt really great, though. Would rather get that than nothing.

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This video made me cry so I wanted to put it here

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Well this is fucking freeing...

"

SOFA 🛋 Start Often Finish rArely

Start Often Fuck Achievements

SOFA is the name of a hacker/art collective, and also the name of the principle upon which the club was founded.

The point of SOFA club is to start as many things as possible as you have the ability, interest, and capacity to, with no regard or goal whatsoever for finishing those projects.

The goal is acquiring many experiences. The side effects include entertainment and increased skill.

Here are some ways to get starting with SOFA:

Start reading lots of books. If you don't like a book you're reading, stop reading it and put it down. Maybe give it away. Start a new code or art project. Get at least as far as writing a detailed README[1]. Maybe you complete the project, or maybe you never get further than that. It's fine. Start learning a new language. Spoken or computer. Just start, you don't have to commit to mastering it. Open up duolingo[2] or exercism[3] and just do a few practice exercises. Here's the secret sauce that makes the whole thing work:

You can be finished with your project whenever you decide to be done with it. And "done" can mean anything you want it to be. Whose standards of completion or perfection are you holding yourself to anyway? Forget about those! Something is done when you say it is. When it's no longer interesting. When you've gotten a sufficient amount of entertainment and experience from it. When you've learned enough from it. Whatever, whenever. Done is what you say it is.

And here's why it works:

Nothing is fixed, nothing is permanent, and nothing lasts. This is true of all things, including your ideas of self and identity. Want to be somebody who knows how to cook, or code in Lisp? Or somebody who knows how to rollerblade, or only eats plants, or worships the moon? Just start doing those things and then, poof! Now you are that person.

If you find out your new self doesn't suit you, just stop being that person and be someone else.

Be as many different people and do as many different things as you want. Start often. You don't have to commit your entire life to any one thing. Finish rarely.

Here's the final bit about how to finish things:

It can be hard to end things because of societal pressure to stick to things until the bitter end. Traditional marriage is the ultimate form of this ideal. You're supposed to stick to it until you die, no matter what, come hell or high water, even if it makes you and everybody around you miserable. That is neither sane nor healthy! That is not the SOFA way. Done means what you say it means. And ending something does not lesson its value. Just KonMari[4] that shit: have a moment of gratitude and appreciation for the experience and the things you learned and the ways in which you benefited from it. Thank it with conviction for having served its purpose, and then let it go and dismiss it. There. Done.

Now get out there and start doing stuff! And then stop doing stuff, so you can do more stuff! Do as much stuff as possible! Never stop doing stuff! Always stop doing stuff!"

[leshitshow]

i have severe ibs and ic but my partner hogs the only bathroom in our shitty home like i don't exist, a lot.

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I actually just bummed out the openAI chatbot with my hatred of the human race and myself.

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Not a good person but it is what it is

I'm not a good person. Not a bad person but also just not a good one.

Talked to my therapist today and told her about how my uncle put my grandma in a dirty and poorly run assisted living home. He then sold her home out from under her and left her to die. She died of neglect induced pneumonia at the home within six months of his actions. For this, I told my therapist I am going to find a way to ruin his marriage. I do feel this to be justified. But, yea. While my uncle sucks, I am not really any better for coming for him.

It takes a lot to get me that mad, though. My uncle fucking deserves every ounce of hate and misery I can bring to him. External to him making his adoring mom's final months awful while he and his wife mocked her, in his younger years he inflicted racist violence against people of color. His brother told me a few awful stories. American X level bullshit. I'm looking at it this way - I am going to go one step further than punching a nazi. I am going to destroy his marriage and, with a little luck, his retirement funds. So, yea. I am not a good person.

I have a fuck around find out policy. BUT - you have to be a real piece of shit to end up on my list. You have to beat women and children and be in my direct line of sight. That's now, though. In my younger years it was basically, don't fuck with my family. And it still is, to an extent. I don't like my mother as much as I did in my younger years because I realize all the abuse I lived with was through her. And my lil' bro is a hot mess. If he gets into trouble I'd have to think real hard before getting involved today. But in my previous younger years, when someone fucked with mom or bro - that was it.

One example, a drug selling friend of my mothers robbed her. That pissed me off. I told every one of the drug dealer's neighbors that they were, in fact, drug dealers. And they lost their home and got divorced. I facilitated that.

Today, I don't feel great about it because I now know what a piece of shit my mom is. I did that two decades ago when I believed in my mother. We obviously never know the full story to anything, really ever - but knowing that means less to you when you're early in your 20s/late teens. I also don't regret what I did because the woman was a real piece of shit, too. But if I had known how much I know now about what a real piece of shit my own mother is I think I would've ignored the whole issue, and realized that's what you get when you are messing with drug users/dealers. Anyway.

There was another time I made a house of bullies vanish. I was in my teens and they were fucking with my little brother and mom, constantly. Keying mom's car and chasing him around and trying to beat him up when he was 8-years-old. At first I physically confronted and scared the shit out of his bullies. After that, they stayed the fuck outta my way and outta sight. But when they kept keying our cars at night - I decided I'd had enough and told child services that the kid's parents were selling meth. I mean, they were - so no lie there. But, I came for them too and the whole house found a new set residents with a quickness.

So no. I am not wholesome. I can be ruthless. I have some rules. Don't fuck with my family. Don't harm innocents I personally know. And - if I do come for someone, they won't know what is happening or where its coming from. I don't play. But I also really extremely dislike activating the processing of my shitlist. It's not like I'm out here picking rando lives to ruin. Just the ones that cross me in messy ways.

I told my therapist there's literally two people left on this shit list. My uncle is one and then the man who abused my brother, mother, and I for 20-years is the other. I am coming for my uncle. And, I already warned my mom's ex and he knows to stay the fuck outta my and my family's way. I haven't touched him. I do know he pissed off some other family in the UK, though by also treating them the way he treated us. I know that woman is after him too. So I'm hoping he takes care of himself without my intervention. I hope that when I do actually hear about him again, it'll be something like he tried to abuse and rob someone else, or the UK fam came for him landing his unalive ass under a bridge. But at this point I'm just glad to be free and clear of him.

But yea, I am not the best person I could be. But, I also recognize that I can't be a good person. I came from violence. The fact I am not violent and drug dealing for a living is better than where I came from. I do have baggage though and some of that baggage is tied to some egg shells that I realize I have no choice but to break as I continue my stupid journey through life.

It is what it is.