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lester-s · 7 years

Text

‘i thought i was so smart’

Summary: the baby arrives, and Dan realises just how much being a father means to him.

Word Count: 3k

Genre: Fluff. Everywhere. (a tiny smidgeon of angst but not really)

Trigger Warning: a lil bit of swearing, self-doubt, you see a little bit of dan’s anxiety, they cry a lot

Additional Tags: adoption, future, fluff, parent!phan

Author’s Note: number two! this one is based off ‘dear Theodosia,’ (lmao the baby is called Piper because I wanted the baby to be a girl and I didn’t think they would choose theodosia as a name)

When Dan married Phil, his favourite number was two.

They started as two boys, young and afraid, living together, in a small (rather cramped) two bedroom apartment, their love so large, and so true, that they defied every expectation people had bestowed into them. Then when they were married, in a quiet, but a faultless wedding, with only their closest friends and family present, they became two husbands, linked together in a love-filled matrimony. Together. Two.

When they finally moved to London, Dan’s favourite number changed again, to twelve. The number on the door of their perfect apartment, that he and Phil had bought together, a sign of their love and trust in each other. On the hardest of days, Dan would walk past the number twelve, after a tiring day at the BBC, or after a trip away from Phil, and remember that he was loved and that he was wanted.

However, on the early morning of April the 24th 2020, his favourite number changed another time.

Three.

The pair had been intertwined with each other, sleeping peacefully, when Phil’s phone began to angrily vibrate against the table.

Dan awoke first, sleep in his eyes, and a confused haze wandering in his brain. He rubbed his eyes and lifted Phil from his chest, pulling the phone down to eye level.

North London Adoption Agency

Suddenly, he was wide awake and quickly sat upright, putting his phone to his ear.

‘Hello, this is Daniel Lester speaking, how can I help?’ Try and sound anything less like a call centre worker dan, well done.

‘Daniel, so sorry if I’ve woken you.’

‘No, no, we were just waking up when you rang.’ Lie.

'Ah, well, we’re very happy to inform you that your daughter was born at 12:34 this morning, weighing 6 pounds, 3 ounces. When you are ready, please bring the documents we sent to you and the hospital bag we have instructed you to prepare to the maternity wing of St Evangeline’s Hospital, as the baby has now had all health checks, and is ready to be taken home. The mother has signed all legal documents and the child is now in our care. I know this has been very long coming for you, congratulations.’

Suddenly there were tears in his eyes and he could barely muster a quiet thank you before the line went silent. He dropped the phone to the floor, turning to face Phil, who had fallen back into a sleepy daze.

‘Phil, l-love. You need to wake u-up.’ He couldn’t stop crying, the tears rolling down his face and onto the bedsheets below. ‘Phil, we need to get dressed.’ He reached forward, and switched on the light, before stumbling into the other room to find the clothes they had put away especially.

He walked back into the room with both piles of clothes in one hand and Phil’s discarded glasses in the other, dropping them onto the bed, tears still in his eyes.

The elder eventually turned his face towards Dan, opening a single eye to see what was happening around him. ‘Dan…you’re crying. What’s…happening…’ He leant his head against the headboard and pushed on his glasses, looking around at the scene before him. 'Why have you got those clothes…?’

Dan smiled weakly in Phil’s direction, and suddenly everything clicked. He jumped out of bed and pulled Dan into a tight hug, the pair both crying now.

'We need the address to the hospital. Get dressed.’

Phil had never been more terrified. Dan was rambling about how he hoped he had brought everything, and had begun to bounce his knee against the side of the glovebox. Phil could barely even hum in response to what Dan was saying to him, his brain trying to focus on driving and worrying all at once.

‘Dan, do you mind if we pull over for a few minutes?’ Dan huffed a reply, and Phil quickly stopped the car, the hospital in sight. He climbed out and leant against the bonnet, head in his hands. Dan climbed out after him, passing over a bottle of water.

‘I don’t think I can do it.’

'What do you mean, ’I don’t think I can do it’?’

'This is too much, Dan. I can’t-’

'Phil,’ Dan laughed. 'The hospital is literally right there.’

'Yeah, I know.’ Dan ran his hand through Phil’s hair, pushing it back before placing a delicate kiss on his forehead.

’-And we’re gonna fucking smash this parenting thing. Fuck, that kid is never going to want for anything. She’s gonna be polite, and loving, and she’s going to love you. We’re gonna be so good, and I know you’re frightened. Hell, I’m shitting myself. But, like you said. We’ve gone through everything there is to go through, so maybe this is whatever God is up there’s idea of making us feel like we’ve been through the shit enough for us to be happy. Now, drink up, and let’s go get our baby.’

The hospital was sterile and bright, like something from Star Trek, the cold corridors sending shivers up Dan’s spine. The receptionist had been useless, telling them to go to the completely wrong end of the hospital, forcing them to awkwardly ask one of the nurses where exactly they were supposed to be going. She left them at the double navy doors, and Dan pried his eyes away from the linoleum floor and looked through the small square gaps in the door at the corridor ahead. Without pause, Phil pressed the button next to the door and it unlocked, leading them into the curving hallway.

'Hello, how may I help you?’ The woman behind the desk was young, probably younger than Dan, and wore a purple nurse’s uniform. Phil coughed, and Dan spoke, his voice almost croaky.

'We’re Dan and Phil Lester, we’re here with the North London Adoption Agency?’ The nurse’s face lights up, and she quickly leads them into a small room.

'I’ve just switched over from infant care so I got to spend some time with her, we had to label her as baby Lester. She’s adorable, sorry to spoil it for you. Here are a few forms you need to sign, and I’ll take any papers you were asked to bring?’ Dan nodded and passed over the files, and the nurse mumbled a quick thank you before leaving the room.

'Shitting fuck. Why are my hands shaking, Phil, look at this.’ Dan stared at his hands as they trembled furiously.

'You’re nervous.’ Phil took his hands and kissed each finger, before taking Dan’s cold hands into his own. 'I’m here so you don’t have to be afraid. I’m here.’

The door opened slowly, and an old woman walked into the room and sat opposite to the pair.

'Well, we’ve verified all your files, and it seems like everything is in perfect order. If you wouldn’t mind waiting for another moment, sirs, I will bring her to you.’ Phil thanked her and smiled, lifting up the changing bag and placing it onto his lap.

The woman re-enters, this time with a small bundle in her arms. Dan gasps quietly, squeezing Phil’s hand. 'Now, she’s smaller than you’d expect, but trust me, she’s in perfect health.’ She places the baby in Dan’s arms, and Phil takes out his phone and begins to take photos. 'When you’re ready, you can take her home. Just change her into something more appropriate, place her into the car seat, and sign yourselves out when you leave. Congratulations, once again.’

When Dan looked up at Phil, he saw the man with tears in his eyes, beaming proudly at the pair.

'Hello, little Piper.’ Dan whispered, tears falling onto the baby’s blanket. 'It’s daddy here, yes it is. That man over there is Papa. We love you so very much baby, we do. Here, go to Papa, Piper.’ Phil after hesitantly moving closer to the pair, took the baby from Dan, and after being warned so many times to support her head and mind the softer spot, was able to see his daughter for the first time. Dan quickly took out his phone and took photos of Phil and the baby – that would later become his wallpaper

'Piper Jane Lester. My beautiful little baby. You’re so perfect, little one, now are we going to take you home? Hmm?’

After a few moments of adjusting and changing the baby into something more comfortable – a completely too large Burberry romper – they began to pack things up ready to leave. However, when they stood up to leave, the young nurse from before opened the door.

'I’m so sorry to disturb you, and I’m not supposed to do this, but do you want me to take a picture of the three of you before you leave? I’ll have to be quick though.’

Dan nodded, gratefully, and Phil sat down beside the younger, smiling widely, as the nurse took the photos – this time Phil changing the photo to his wallpaper.

'Thank you,’ Phil smiled at the nurse as they left through the navy door, not seeing the nurse smile to herself.

Dan had allocated himself the person to sit in the back seat with the sleeping baby. She was tinier than they had anticipated, much smaller than Darcy had been when she was born. 'Have you messaged your mum yet?’ Phil asked, turning into their street. Dan looked down towards Piper, stroking her face gently. He didn’t want to ruin the time they had alone with Piper, not just yet. If they told their family and friends, they would be bombarded with visitors, and Dan just wanted to have his daughter and husband around him.

'Not yet, I just want us to have some us time. We’ll facetime our parents later on this week. I want to get used to things before anyone visits, yeah?’

'Sounds like a plan. I’ll sort the baby out, you head on upstairs. I think we left the rocker in the bedroom.’

A month in, and they were both exhausted, more than they could ever have imagined. During the day, Piper was one of the most well-behaved babies they had ever seen, she never cried, only fussed when she was hungry or needed changing, and fell straight to sleep whenever her parents held her on their chest. However, as soon as the sun went down, she became the clingiest, most unsettled baby Phil had ever met. She wouldn’t fall asleep without Dan holding her, leaving Dan with barely 3 hours sleep every night, and Phil feeling terrible.

'Dan, let me try and get her to sleep. We’ll move into the spare room for tonight.’

'Phil, you know that won’t work. We’ve tried everything to make her sleep. I’ll just have to deal with it for the next few months. I’ve already dealt with getting no sleep for a month, I’m sure I can cope a little longer.’

'No, this isn’t something you get to choose. You’re not a little tired, you’re exhausted. You’ve had about twelve hours sleep in five days. You’re the one who edits all of the videos, has the most subscribers. We need you to be the one who's wide awake all the time. I feel so guilty when I hear you wake up with her every night. Let me try to get Piper to sleep, and if I can’t, I’ll sit with her in the living room until I can, even if it takes till tomorrow morning.’

Dan was too tired to even comprehend arguing, so kissed Phil on the head and collapsed onto their bed, sore and heavy from lack of sleep. When Phil next went into the bedroom to pick up Piper’s pyjamas a few minutes later, Dan was fast asleep, his sleep-deprived body effortlessly calm and gentle.

Finally, after attempts to swaddle went entirely wrong – Piper was able to escape every time – Phil found himself with a tiny baby, very asleep, on his chest. He had taken off his shirt and wrapped himself and Piper into a blanket burrito. With enough gentle humming, she was asleep within minutes.

As he stroked her tiny back, he felt himself slowly drift into a hazy sleep.

When he awoke, there was a lightness on his chest that hadn’t been there before. He shot up. Where was Piper? His stomach dropped, the same way it does when you go to step down the last stair and realise it isn’t there. His eyes search the darkness in an attempt to find the baby, listening for a slight gurgle or whimper that he could pin to his daughter. Silence. A thousand thoughts were running through his head. Had she rolled over accidentally? Had she got stuck under the quilt?

'Dan?’ He hissed, his voice desperate and raw. He didn’t expect a reply; he just hoped and prayed that something explainable had happened while he was sleeping to make up for the crippling silence.

He stepped out of bed, the sudden cold forcing him to wrap his arms around himself. He rushed out of the spare room, opening the door to where he had left Dan sleeping.

Empty.

He padded down the cold corridor and began to hear the soft sound of piano music and somebody mumbling. The mumbling became clearer as he made his way up the stairs to the nursery. He could only just see through the gap in the door, but to his relief, he spotted both Dan, and the baby, sat in the rocking chair. He knew he shouldn’t eavesdrop, but Dan’s voice was so soothing, he couldn’t stop himself.

‘Now, what do I say to you, Piper? I want to be mad at you but I can’t, no matter how hard I try. You keep Papa up so much. He’s grumpy when he’s tired, that’s why I’ve been staying up with you. When Papa is happy, it makes me happy. He’s always made me feel happy.

You have lovely golden eyes, you know that? We’ll say that’s something you get from me, seeing as you got Papa’s name. Papa said it was to honour your grandad, but I think as soon as we started thinking of names, he put Piper and Philip in there so that you could have his name. Don’t ever tell him that, okay? I’ve always loved the name Piper, and that’s why I let Papa have you named after him.’

Phil silently laughed to himself, still listening to Dan talk.

'When you cried for the first time, I thought I’d managed to hurt you or something. You were about a day old, and we, well I, was watching some anime. You just started to cry, a deep awful cry, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. It broke my heart to see you cry so much.

I’m giving every day I have to you little one. Youtube can wait. They can cope without me for a little longer, don’t you think? I never thought this would be my style, burping and feeding a tiny person. I always imagined myself as being one of those people who drifted. Your papa made sure I stayed anchored.’

Phil smiled fondly at the pair, while Dan readjusted Piper out of his sight.

‘Oh was that a smile? Does daddy talking to you make you smile, baby? I’ll never get tired of that. You knock me out, I swear. I’ll fall apart every time you smile at me, I hope you know that. Let’s not let Papa know I’m with you right now. He’ll kill me. I don’t care though, I love spending time with you. Even if it’s when you’re crying, and won’t fall asleep without me around. I think Papa cracked it though. You just want to be warm and safe, just like I do.’

Phil yawned quietly to himself. How long had Dan been sat with her?

‘I promise you, baby, things will be right for you. I won’t let you feel like I did growing up. You’re going to have the best childhood. Pride isn’t the word I look for when I see you, Piper. You’ve brought something to my life that I didn’t have before. I don’t think Papa has noticed yet, but I haven’t had my special medicine for a long time. That’s down to you and Papa. You make so very happy.’

Of course, Phil had noticed. The box of Ativan had been untouched since that night they sat on the floor. Something had changed in Dan, because of Piper.

‘My daddy wasn’t around much when I was a kid, Pipes. But I swear, I’ll be there for you. I’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means I’ll end up making a million mistakes in the process. I’ll make the world safe and sound, just for you. Someday, Piper Jane, you’ll blow me away. I just know it.’

Phil knocked gently on the door and was met with a gracious smile from a very tired Dan, and a sleeping Piper.

‘I know you told me to sleep, but you were out cold and she was stirring. I didn’t want to have to wake you up. But you’ve worked it out now, I think Papa gets to put her to sleep from now on.’

‘That’s more than fine by me. Now, go, Lester. Get back into bed. Let me put Piper in her Moses basket.’

‘That’s more than fine by me.’ Dan yawned, passing the tiny infant over.

‘You’re daddy’s right. You’re going to change the world, Pipes.’ Phil whispered, placing the baby back into her cot, before cuddling back into bed with Dan.

'Your feet are fucking freezing Phil.’

Part two !!!

I had to restart over after working on it for 2 days because I’m fussy and hate getting things wrong lmao but ended up writing more than what I did before so you know all good things all good things

#phan #phandom #phanfic #phanfiction #phan fluff #dan howell #phil lester #dan and phil #phan au #hamilton #the next one is really sad oh god prepare yourself

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lester-s · 7 years

Text

‘let this moment be the first chapter’ - phan

Summary: dan has a crisis about whether or not he will be a good father after they receive the confirmation letter that their adoption application has been accepted.

Word Count: 2.1k

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Trigger Warning: some swearing, a panic attack, talks of medical drug use, night terrors

Additional Tags: adoption, future, angst, anxiety

Author's Note: this is the first of three one-shots based on three songs from 'Hamilton: An American Musical', based on the song 'that would be enough'

Suddenly, he was awake. He knew he'd slept through till the late afternoon; the sun had set long ago, winter weather and all, and in it's absence was a hazy glow of the streetlights outside the window. Curled up on the living room sofa, he felt an abrupt loneliness in the room. He was sure that himself and Dan had fallen asleep on the sofa together, however the clear absence of a Dan shaped figure pointed otherwise.

Yet, if he had fallen asleep on his own, Dan would have draped a blanket over him, and normally, would have left the TV on chrome-cast to save electricity. He looked for his phone and glasses, finding the latter first underneath a cushion, his phone not far away either. He looked through his notifications, a few messages from friends, a snapchat or two from his Mum, and a missed facetime call from Martyn. Life as a 33 year old really was as fun as that. He made sure to note the time, and jumped up when he realized just how long he had slept for.

5:31pm

He was more awake now, the harsh brightness of his phone providing enough of a reaction for him to stand up and look around. The room was dark still, and except for the lights from outside and the dim light of the tv, he was in total darkness. He reached for the table, feeling slowly but surely around the room until his hands met the cold door knob of the living room door. Slowly as to not wake up a possibly resting Dan, he pulled the door ajar and stepped into the corridor. The kitchen light had been left on and he could see much clearer now that his eyes were able to adjust to something rather than darkness.

He had walked down the corridor for only a moment when he heard it.

Somebody was crying.

Dan.

He dashed over to their bedroom. Being alone was definitely not one of Dan's best points, and to hear crying on a dark night when Phil had been asleep for so long? He was sure that Dan was in trouble. Slowly, he peered through the door, and his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach.

Dan was sat at the side of their bed, his shoulder shaking as he cried. His hand was covering his mouth, and his eyes dashed from side to side as he read from a piece of paper in his hand. Tears spilled from his eyes and onto the letter below, but he didn't attempt to wipe them away – instead he continued to sit and read, and when he had finished he looked up and leaped into Phils arms.

Now red, blotched eyes faced him, his face tear stained and a dull red shade. Salty tears were falling down his face in mismatched streaks and dropping onto his shirt. The boy pulled away after a moment and began to smile, so wide and so beautifully that Phil began to become worried about whether Dan was happy, or sad, or both.

'Dan, what's going on?'

The younger took the letter from the bed and, with shaking hands, began to read:

'D..Dear the Lester-Howell family,'

Phil's face lit up with realization. 'Oh my god, Dan...I-'

'It is with my great gratification to tell you that, after long deliberation with the biological parents of the child we matched you with some months ago, we, the board of Child Welfare and Management, have decided to accept your application to adopt Ms. Matthews' child upon birth. We may need to meet with you regarding the future prospects and some final required assessments of your property and health checks, however this is simply mandatory and is in no way targeted at a certain race, ethnicity, or sexuality.. Many Thanks.'

The letter fell to the ground as Phil pulled Dan close to him again, and kissed him deeply. It was now Phil's time to cry, and as Dan held him close, as he wept tears of happiness and shock into Dan's jumper.

'So long we've waited.' Phil whimpered, Dan holding his hair as tears fell down both of their faces.

The adoption process had been long and grueling, many times after they had joined adoption agencies they were told they had been rejected by potential parents and were told to seek an alternate agency. Phil had been adamant they should keep trying, though, even when Dan had announced that they should quit while they were ahead.

- 'Nobody will want us Phil.'

-'You don't know that'

-'Yes I do. Let's just stop now, it's pointless trying any longer.'

-'Don't say that. Not now. Not after 2 years of waiting and being tested and having those stupid checks! We put everything on the line for this!'

They had fought many times over whether or not they would ever get chosen, however, those fights were far in the past now.

'P..parents.' Phil muttered, still enclosed in Dan's arms.

'Parents.’

They were sat in their bedroom, a few weeks after they received that letter; Phil had been reading a new Stephen King book while Dan was watching some sort of documentary. They hadn't spoken since the programme began, Phil was shunned into silence by Dan as soon as the title screen appeared. If he was honest, Phil didn't think Dan was watching the documentary anymore. In the corner of his eye he could see that Dan was on his phone, not watching the show as he had thought originally. He pondered turning it off, however his thought was quickly put to the back of his mind when Dan broke the silence with a cough.

'That documentary is shit. I've been waiting weeks for that fucker, and it was shit!' Phil could do nothing but laugh at Dan's choice of words, and Dan smiled in response, pushing the book from Phil's lap and onto the floor. Phil lifted up his arm and welcomed the warmth that he didn't realize he missed. Dan tucked his head into his chest and watched the TV, while Phil wrapped his fingers around Dan's curls. There was a sense of content secretly shared between the two of them, and then Dan perked up and looked up at Phil.

'We won't be able to do this much in a few months. Well, with just the two of us anyway.'

Dan huffed in response, lifting himself up from Phil's chest. 'We still haven't got anything for them. We need to start thinking about ordering furniture, and buying a pram.' Phil picked up the book from the floor and placed it on the table side beside the bed, before climbing out and throwing his clothes on the floor and changing into pajamas.

‘Dan, we’ve got a whole two months yet, and the agency haven't sent us any letters with information about what we need for when they arrive.’

Dan rose from his spot laid on the bed and rested his head on the headboard. ‘I've already been looking. There's more than what you'd think. Apparently we need at least 8 of everything, and then we need sterilisers, baby first aid kits, a crib for when they get older, but a moses basket for the first few months so that we're with them in the room at night. And that's not even the start of it.’

Phil sighed and pulled himself into bed next to Dan, placing a hand on his chest and laying beside him. ‘There's 63 tomorrows before the baby is due, and in those 63 tomorrows, we will get everything done. Don't worry. Now sleep, it's tiring you out I can tell.’ Dan tried to fight against what Phil said, but eventually finds himself lulled to sleep by Phil playing with his hair and humming peacefully.

He sees a figure, tall and holding a small bundle. His face is covered up by a dark hood, and the light shining on him shows nothing but a dark silhouette. The man stands at the foot of a spiral staircase and Dan wants to run towards him but his body is paralyzed, he can't stand up out of the chair no matter how he fights. The figure slowly approaches, the small bundle now fussing and crying, almost screaming for help. Dan feels tears burning in his eyes and as the figure draws closer, he finally sees who is stood in front of him. Phil.

‘Phil please! Please listen! Help me! Please help me! He-‘

‘Dan! Dan wake up!’

Dans eyes shot open and he jumped to his feet in an instant.

‘Get away from me!’ He batted Phils hand away from his shoulder and backs into the corner of the bedroom, gasping for air.

'Dan, you're okay. You're okay.'

But he wasn't okay. He shook his head and felt his hand tremble against the wall. He wanted to breathe, but all that was coming out was raspy breaths. Phil watched as Dan darted around the room like a hurricane, his limbs shaking and his heart racing.

He can't breathe.

Suddenly the world goes in ultra speed, and Phil knew he would need to intervene quickly before anything escalated and he had to drive Dan to the hospital. He rushed to Dan's side, and grabbed his shoulders. He looked so hopeless, and before Dan knew it Phil had pulled him back to the side of the bed, and was drawing circles into his back.

‘-Phil.’ He whimpered. His voices sounded drained and sickly, and if Phil hadn't been playing the 'grown-up adult' card, he would have begun to cry there and then.

'You are going to be okay. There is enough air for you to breathe. When I count upwards, I want you to inhale. When I count down, I want you to exhale. Can you do that for me, baby?' Dan nodded, and slowly he began to relax.

'1...2...3...4...5...6...7...You're doing so well, love. 7...6...5...4...3...2...1. Okay. Keep repeating the pattern in your head. There is nothing that can hurt you now. Can you tell me what you need?'

Dan began to shake his head, and then attempted to speak, still wheezing.

'At- At-'

'Do you want your Ativan?' Dan could do nothing but nod weakly.

‘It's in the medical box, can I go and get it? Are you able to walk?' Phil stands up first, and Dan carefully lifts himself up, and with small steps, they made their way to the kitchen, where Phil carefully lowers Dan to the ground.

‘Here, take this. You remember what you need to do? Small sips.' Dan takes the glass of water and a small white pill and takes them slowly. 'We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We can just forget this happened. If that’s what you need.'

‘Phil…No, I need to.’

‘Tell me then. I can sit for as long as you need. When did they start again?’

‘A month or so.’

‘Dan, you should have told me.’ Dan heard the pain in Phil’s voice, and looked down in shame.

‘No...I’m not sorry. W-we’d just found out about the baby, I didn’t want to ruin it for us. Then I started worrying that I would be an awful father, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if and when I messed up, because I know I will.

I can't even look after your houseplants when you're away. Will you relish being a useless person's husband? I don't think so. I'm never going to be enough for you. Nothing I do is enough for what you deserve.’

‘Dan look at me.’ Phil held his chin and turned his face, so that Dan and his eyes are level. ‘I know who I married. I relish being your husband- there's nothing that makes me happier- nothing. Look at where we are. We're two months away from meeting our son or daughter.

Now look at where we started. We thought that we'd never get to this stage. There has been so many people who have been against us for the past 10 years of our lives, that at most points I wondered if we were going to stay together at all. The fact we made it through all of that hate is a miracle, so just fight whatever this awful spell has become, that would be enough. We could be enough, together, for the baby, and any other children we adopt. This is the first chapter of our lives together, Dan, just think about that.'

They sat in silence, and as the medication took hold, Dan rested his head upon Phil's shoulder, and sighed.

'Dan, as long as you're here, as long as you come home at the end of the day, we're enough.'

Author's note: im such hamilton trash lmao help me why do I make these things pls help me

#phan #phandom #phanfiction #phan angst #phan fluff #i hate myself for this lmao #dan howell #phil lester #phanfic #phanfic au

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