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[letterstomyselfandme]

Letter to M

I sat with what we said in our FaceTime call. I'm honouring myself. This time I'm telling you that I had enough I was too generous that I ended up hurting myself. I want to you grow for yourself, at your own pace, and I see that light in you. However, I can't be the one to teach you because it drains my light. I have grown so much to the point that our friendship has changed. This isn't about the pollution. I simply grew out of our friendship.

I was attached to our long history of memories that no longer reflexes our reality. I'm surrendering to change and my growth. I hope the same for you.

Where does this leads me, I care and love you so much and I love and care myself too. I want to honour that with space. I would need space -- space to nurture and ground myself. To protect my yellow.

💛

[letterstomyselfandme]

Showing myself love

I didn't think I would get to this point with one of my longest friend but here I am. Today is a good day to talk -- about our friendship and the way I've been feeling about it.

My points:

I feel awkward -- I feel like I have things to say but it doesn't come up and I just bring out topics that you like talking about.

this awkward feeling is also from all that went down in our friend group. I know we talked about it and that you have your reasons. I have my reasons too. For me I saw all four of us as equal and that after all these year our friendship in our gang is secured (mutual res

I felt uncomfortable -- looking back at the time when you told me that you didn't break up but that you rather be a clown then a fool I didn't know how to answer you. I felt really disappointed and I felt like I wasted my time giving a free therapy session. I don't want to hear it anymore and that makes me not want to talk too.

I want to bring back that boundary we set early on where you weren't gonna talk about your relationship to me since I'm friends with Raven. I felt like I know too much and it's making me uncomfortable.

[letterstomyselfandme]

I'm the bad guy too

the person on that high horse is also human. What I said hurt you and I'm sorry. I was coming from a place of injustice too. I was ready to fight for it. In the process I hurt you.

That makes me feel sad and uncomfortable that I could be the bad guy too. I'm glad we talked about it I'm you felt safe to tell me and I'm glad I was there to fully listen.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Fire

you are disgusting -- you fake as ballon no substance just fucking air. You aint fucking scary you are truly disgusting. I HATE YOUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

DISGUSTING IS WHO YOU AREEEEE

[letterstomyselfandme]

you and your high horse

I just finished my session and I was angry. I saw me wanting to punch you in the face. I wanted to knock out that nasty ego of your's and bring you back down to earth. The way to treated V that way so cold, disgusting like who are you to be this entitled? She needed your help, and you were too good to do that?? I understand why to acted that way, but even then it didn't why with me because you kept it all to yourself. How would she know you didn't like if you don't tell her in that moment. That again shows your cowardliness and pride. yuck. it was weird seeing you so egotistic like the world owes you a favour because you were hurting alone, like wtf??? You triggered me because instead of looking at yourself like maybe you're the problem to project it to the outside world and you just build that shell of your's to protect yourself before anything happens in fact you are protecting yourself from what you bring out in others -- very ironic.

The injustice I felt was more then enough to punch you. But, I chose openness. I choose forgiveness. I hope you do grow out of your ways, I hope I accept you in your ways, I hope I communicate how I feel. I want to be open. I want to be honest. I want to stay me in this friendship. I want to continue to grow in myself. I hope you share that same feelings. I hope you feel open. I hope you feel forgiveness. I hope you fell loved.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Kiss me

through reading my last note, I can see that I can't control you and that is 1. annoying 2. disappointing. Today was such a fun day, but how we said bye left a sour taste. I'm disappointed because I thought today I'll get a kiss, and by the way I'm feeling it didn't happened.

I don't know what to do - when it comes to this. Is dropping it altogether or talking about it or both. I feel like I keep waiting and wanting to kiss him and even more for him to want to kiss me and hearing "next time" "soon" feeds my belief system in a way because when I hear that I feel rejected. The story does that I'm not good enough, I question if he really loves me. That would make me feel insecure and sad.

Bring myself compassion ~ I'm beautiful. I'm confident. I'm know what I bring to the table. I know who I am. I'm proud of myself for trying every time I do because I know it's triggering ans yet I still ask and try because in the end I want to kiss and be kissed. He is my boyfriend I say it normal to want to kiss him. I'm beautiful. I'm confident. I will continue to try and maybe go deeper. I'm glad I try.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Saying no is okay

annoyed. I felt it right now. I want your attention and need some reassurance.

After telling you about the friendsgiving I don't know why I would think you would say yes. Truly, a part of me had a feeling you would say no and you did. But I guess what's annoying if the fact that I though I can change your mind. Now, I feel annoyed and anything that you do or not do make me feel annoyed.

Honestly, I want to see you. I know I will not feel this once I feel your presence and when we hug. But we aren't seeing each other this week like we can't. So that adds to my annoyance too.

What I need is to just be with me and be not on my phone.

[letterstomyselfandme]

smoll hangout

After our hangout, I feel a bit blue. I think cause it's short and the fact that I had to tell you to say the words we are both feeling and also our convos started slow. I think I was expecting something else with the feeling of missing you a lot and being around you. I know you love me I just wished we spent more time.

[letterstomyselfandme]

chose your battles 

I don't understand, I want my mom to speak up yet she has a very hard time when she does and I want her to continue to speak up and yet she always gets me upset. I hate that my mom's level of worry highly sky rocked and now that is what's consuming her it's so annoying. I just hate that .

[letterstomyselfandme]

you weren't as good as how I remembered you in my mind

This was quite the wake up call. The person I had you of isn't same as it once was and today made it clear. I'm glad it did so now I feel way less attached. I still do go with the flow, you're just more caution and less carefree. I can't quite point it out, but this isn't the first time. You have an air of defence on you trying to guard something in you. Or more like you're holding back something. This was good to see cause I felt that I was matching your energy, but it's not me. I was focus on remaining me and shining my light. In some parts, I left as though I needed to prove something/ looking for your validations or proving that my point was the right one. That when I noticed that we are different and we don't quite get each other as we did. That's okay and good to see it now.

I love this quote it writes: "we keep meeting each other in new places and reminding each other of who we were, while introducing each other to who we are"

I hold on to who we were rather than who we are and today I see it. I see as you are today, and we definitely grew. I wan to remember that every time I see you to not only see you as who you were, but as you are now. In my mind, I painted you as this different person which ties to the memories I have of you. When talking to you, it felt different so as I placed you as my safety net that one time no longer stand as I can't see that happening nor do I want that anymore. I don't think we would have been a good pair in that sense. It makes sense why we never were.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Why would I stop?

when you are done reading this you know it’s about you. You’re the biggest baby wanting everyone around to absorb your fucking sad life. You think you can dictate a person simple cause their your kids? Then that explains why you’re fucking delusional. You don’t own any but yourself. I said what I said for once you’ll hear and see someone who respects themselves. You’re a waste of my energy and space, and I don’t own you an explanation to why. Look at yourself and you’ll see, you’re no king, yelling doesn’t get you anywhere than being alone. You should count your blessing that the people around are putting up with your shit. I’m surprise I feel compassion for you.

I’m letting you know now. You cant tell anyone what to do. “You cant go in my house” If you’re there then yah I won’t. Let me be clear, I chose to not go down because you’re there. It’s not out of fear it’s out of peace. Your are so easy to read and that’s why I have compassion for you because I see your cowardice it’s laughable. This is my time to grow out of this shell. I am my own person with a voice and you will know how I feel. Bitch you to house alone you think people would want to go back to that building that you claim is yours HA- delusional bitch.

[letterstomyselfandme]

🌊🌊🌊

In moments where I feel most love for you from myself and any one else I feel this deep grief. tears are falling as a write because I can't help to think that you are gone. I love you so much. I will have memories of you that will trigger my grief because they are all so beautiful. I miss you so much and to know that my memories of you have an end makes me feel so sad.

My grief is a reflection of my love.

[letterstomyselfandme]

word vomit: monkey mind

The second we got of the phone my mind started working. I was analyzing and looking for clues that proves that he has fallen out of love. I notice that I judge his love through comparison to the things that are 120% lovely dover or maybe its when I know for me its love. I do have expectations of what I want in a partner and that's where my comparison starts. If he matched to what I expect of him then to me I know he loves me, and when he doesn't I start to doubt that he does. Where did this start in me? that thing is I love a lot of things about him. I love his confidence ahhhh there's another time where I felt that he probs lost feeling was when we were cooking and he would just move around how I expected in my head I wanted him to hug from behind and be all up in our feels instead he was dancing around cooking and being him, which looking at it now I love. ahhh there it goes again I just had a thought that because I I didn't lay down the way I normally do when I wear these type of tops that he does love me for that and honestly I didn't because I didn't want to, so here's where my own belief projected. I did something I wanted again what I belief would be for me that my monkey mind went off. The part that made my monkey mind pop off, was the way he was giving me kisses at night but then again looking at it now maybe he did want to see it but I didn't and that's okay. I saw this tiktok and it was attacking mw hard core I want to look into it so I know how to navigate me in these situations. I know we'll be okay I love him and he loves me. wow thinking of that statement again doubt appear, what am I looking/ expected of him to do that would remove this doubt I have of him? For him to thinking that we way I think of him? How am I sure that he isn't doing that? Or to be more proactive to make plans to see me and send me more insta post? I notice when I see a slight change in our routine that my monkey mind start.

Change, how do I really feel it about?

I'm so sleepy I wish I can just take a nap I need to sleep I want better sleep please

[letterstomyselfandme]

letting the wave of trigger get to me

I feel triggered and I cried because of it. If I honestly sit and think about about it, honestly. Yes, he love me. I love him too. I just felt disappointed because I wanted to talk to him more. He wanted to sleep because he was to wake up early for work tomorrow. I let him how I felt and let him know that I do love him, and that I want to talk to him. This is were my trigger and limited self belief can supper charge my brain to thinking of the worst. I can already see it trying to go there. one of my fear is that I'm not loveable/ not worthy of love. So, speaking how I feel to the person I love is feels scary because I don't want to push them away. Looking in, I see that it my fear talking because speak my truth will shine on the truth and I honestly want to tell him how I left and that I do love him a lot. I actually really miss him and I want to be around him. So that feeling added to my disappointment because I felt that he didn't feel that same by cutting our FaceTime short. I feel this fear that feed my monkey mind, what alarm are you ringing to my attention. I need to tell little Rizia that she is loved. Honestly, I'm working on this because I know little Rizia this one is a hard one.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I lover you

[letterstomyselfandme]

my voice will not be silence

Lately, my limiting belief system that I am not worthy to speak up my needs, desires, wants has been popping off a lot. Without noticing I've been speaking up for myself to people who I wouldn't in the past out of fear that they will leave me or worst not love me.

Yesterday I vocalized my need and it was painful, I didn't sleep well at all and my monkey mind went to work making sure that my limiting belief felt true. How it was finding clues or moments where I wasn't worthy of speaking up. The truth is to the person I spoke up, I love him very much what I said was because I needed to sleep early. Also, I feel and know in my heart that he loves me too. I need to be closer to my truth/ light by doing that I am caught up by my old patterns, which feels painful but I honestly feel strong to change it and to release this limiting belief that isn't serving me no longer.

What is my trigger pointing to? there's a lack of trust in me, I don't believe in myself that I can speak up. Do I feel safe in myself to know that I can? Envy riding the bus here too she is driving me into a place of low self-esteem and making me not love myself physically.

I need compassion. I need love. I need to be loved by me. I need patience. I need to feel empowered. I need to feel grounded and whole. I need peace. I need nurture. I need forgiveness. I need to be honoured.

[letterstomyselfandme]

Kiss my ass and suck on my tits, omnicrocks

I'm sad. covid really say that I'll infect my whole family not at the same time tho. I'm going through round 2 of this fucking bitch. first my dad's side got hit and now my mom side including my mom. well nothing is confirm but we are taking all the precaution to stay safe. at first seeing my mom weak created so much worries and sadness. I hate to see her sick. I cried thinking about the dream I had of my papa this morning because it was so good and I felt like it was a sign that everyone is sick and that my cousin actually does have covid. its crazy cus the dream itself is the complete opposite of my reality. it made me focus on my present and to be there for my family who's not feeling well. its so easy to give them my care and love and im left empty and sad and helpless. I know I'm strong its not about that I can step up when I'm called. I just feel sad still and dumbfounded that its happening again. just like this moment right now January 4th, 2022 feels similar to March 2020. However, there a difference and how I feel today. As much as there is uncertainty around me, I am ready for the waves and changes. I feel grounded in myself and to help my family get better.

and omnicrocks can suck on my tits and kiss my ass.

[letterstomyselfandme]

FUCK THIS SHIT I HATE IT

I'm so fucking mad!!!!! I never wanted to renovate my house NEVER I only stayed quiet because I know that this is how my mom grieved and she wanted to change the kitchen also for her hearing. But now they are renovating my room the one place that I go to because that is the only place win this house that feels like home to me but now they are fucking renovating that place in FUCKING 2 FUCKING DAYS AND NOW I HAVE TO TAKE ALL MY SHIT DUMP IT OUT!!!! THE FUCK IM PISSED OFFF AND IM NOT HOLDING IT IN ANYMORE. PAPA I KNOW YOU WOULD CALM ME DOEN BUT YOU ARE NOT HERE ANYMPRE TO DO THAT AND THAT PISSES ME OFF EVENT MOREEEEE BECASUE I FEEEL SO INGNORED OF MY FEELING IM HURT I NEVER WANTED THE RENOVATION ESPCIALLY IN MY ROOM FUCK THAT SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT I JUST WANT TO LEGIT GET OUT OF HEREEEEE AND NOE EVEN LIVING HERE ANYMORE IM SO PISSED OFF

I KNOW THE OUT COME ONCE ITS ALL DONE WILL BE WORTH IT BUT FUCK THAT IM MAD RIGHT NOW ABOUT NOWWW I REALLY WANT TO BREAK SOMETHING OR HIT A TREE REALLY HARD IM JUST SO OVER IT